(Part 2) Top products from r/relationships

Female introvert here!

All right. I know you say you've already read up on the basics, but I can't help throwing in this cartoon - it's too good/simple/accurate not to. :)

Secondly: get THIS BOOK - The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D - from the library or bookstore (it's worth buying, honestly). It's largely written towards introverts, but this perspective will, if I'm not wrong, really help you step into her shoes and see it her way. PLUS there's an entire section specifically on relationship dynamics between different introvert/extrovert pairings.

A few more notes:

This girl sounds really good for you, honestly. If you've never felt this intense about love before, just know that the intensity might not last, but the depth of feelings can stick around. You sound pretty twitterpated, buddy - and that's a good thing! - but don't expect it to stay exactly like this. I like that you're actively working to make the relationship even better than it currently is, that's a great skill. :)

Your worries that you were more into her than vice-versa? Totally normal, yet often incorrect, fears in this kind of dynamic. As you may know, we introverts do a lot more thinking and less talking... we might work and play around with a sentence for hours so we can say it just right. As for her direct comments, that's an awesome sign - she is absolutely picking up on your signals and I'll bet she's putting premeditated thought into those things she says with the intent of easing your mind and being two-directional with the communication.

Written communication, like that note? Bingo. Most introverts LOVE written communication especially for serious or more confrontational issues. It's often more difficult for us to talk about these things in person where on-the-spot responses are needed - we don't get enough time to mull things over and figure out how best to say what we really want to say. So if you want her thoughts on a serious topic or she seems less-than completely comfortable and natural about discussing something you've brought up, write her a note (email is great) telling her you'd love to have a written conversation about it and to take as long as she needs replying. Reply back, etc. Once you've "broken the ice" discussing a topic in this way, she may feel more comfortable discussing it in person and the convo can transition smoothly and comfortably to real-time discussion.

Best of luck, you seem like a great guy. :)

I'm 27, and this is the advice I would give my 17 year old band nerd self (bari sax player here. Yes, I marched bari sax, it was awesome):

It sounds like you go to a big high school. How many girls have you tried to date? As in, how many girls have you actually asked on a date? One? Five? How can you expect to get into relationships if you don't make your romantic intentions clear? My advice is to get used to getting turned down. It's a hard thing to do, but once you desensitize yourself to rejection, dating gets easier. I mean come on, you don't really expect every girl to want to go out with you, do you? Just some. Let me be more specific: Each week, ask at least one cute girl you see for her phone number (or however people message each other nowadays). Preferably a girl you don't already talk to or know well. Look in her eyes with a bright, warm smile, say hi, make small talk, and ask for her number, or to go on a date. Classmates, cashiers, colorguard members, cheerleaders (probably not gonna happen but see the part about getting used to rejection). If she says no, then just smile and say ok. Literally nothing has been lost. Then when you get a phone number, wait a few days, then CALL HER AND ASK HER ON A DATE. Take it from there.

As for the girl who you love. She told you no. Accept her boundaries, dude. Move on. You want something that she doesn't, and trying to persuade her into changing her mind just hurts your self worth. I would strongly advise you not try to contact her in any way again. Wait for her to talk to you... more than once, preferably, before you respond at all. I think you'll find that she won't try to contact you, and that shows what she really wants from you. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who actually likes you.

Finally, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you try to get into a relationship with someone by first hanging around them for a long while, being super kind and doing a bunch of favors for them, and only then bringing up what you've wanted all along. That's deceptive and underhanded because you've hidden your intentions. If you like a girl and want to go on a date with her, and that's the entire reason you're talking to her, a better thing to say would be "Hey, I like you. Want to go on a date?" For now, I advise keeping potential love interests and friends largely separate, when possible. The reason for this is girls are not machines in which you put kindness coins until they magically want to date you. Ask her on a date. If she says yes, great. If she says no, accept that you're probably never going to be in a relationship. Unless you'd really be satisfied with only EVER being friends, don't actively pursue the friendship, because that's not what you really want.

Edit: Other, semi-related advice I would give my 17 year old self: Buy this book, do it with a gym partner, and thank me in a year.

>try to understand me before you jump up on the bench with your white wig and your gavel.

I read some of your other comments before first responding to you. You're in your thirties, and oh so experienced. Except that you think you know more than you really do. Experience with only certain types of relationships, and second-hand at that, does not make you an expert on all things emotional or human. At least have the humility to accept that you don't know all there is to know about people before handing down your "wisdom".

>but it's another thing entirely for a guy to string a girl along for months or even years on end because she thinks that one day he's going to magically realize how good she is to him and he's going to devote himself entirely to her.

Which is exactly what I was referring to by reading things onto the OP's situation that were in no way hinted at or supported by her post. She seems to maybe still carry some of your assumptions, since she was initially hurt by his not wanting to be in a relationship, but has since realized that a relationship wasn't what she wanted either. Where's the stringing along? Where's the abuse you so readily assume must be there?

>I've personally watched friends of mine, both male and female, get sucked into these situations where one person thinks there's an emotional connection that is eventually going to come to fruition, while the other person laughs at the very idea of ever taking the relationship further than the bedroom.

Yes, of course this happens. But it doesn't always happen, it's neither the norm nor the majority of cases. There's nothing here to indicate that this is one of these situations...well, nothing except your obvious prejudices and preconceptions.

>Human beings, particularly women, are not biologically/emotionally structured to bounce freely from one sexual partner to the next without forming any emotional attachments.

Support that statement or stop making it. Or rather, clear up what you mean by "emotional attachments". As someone who's had a significant number of happy, consensual sexual friendships in his life, I freely admit that these friendships were deeper and meant more to us than most non-sexual friendships did. But caring about and for a person doesn't mean you want to form a long-term monogamous bond with them, and your assumption that feelings (particularly female feelings apparently) automatically require a traditional monogamous relationship to be healthy and not wounding is simply wrong. You go on and on about your experience, yet I doubt that yours holds a candle to mine. So sure, sexual relationships will always mean more than non-sexual relationships, because of the intimacy and trust required for consensual sex. But that meaning does not need to be expressed in the narrow forms you set out for it, and there need be no using of one party by another simply because they chose a different arrangement than you would.

>it's impossible to argue that there aren't elements of our physiology that encourage us to fall in love with someone and reproduce

I would recommend you read Sex at Dawn before you peddle unfounded "evolutionary" psychology as if it were at all valid. Yes, that hoary old chestnut has been repeated endlessly for generations, but it doesn't make it any more true. Romantic love, especially of the Taylor Swift variety (which seems to be what you're holding up as the natural state of human romantic relationships) is a relatively recent invention, not more than a couple hundred years old. At our deepest, most fundamental and instinctive level, we're wired to share several partners and form deep attachments with all of them, to share resources and child-rearing responsibilities amongst a small group of equal adults. We may not do things this way anymore, and deep-seated social mores and phobias (casually reinforced by people like you) may make these arrangements problematic for most people today, but that is what the elements of our physiology encourage us to do.

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

My girlfriend of a little over a year has recently been diagnosed with a mental disorder as well. Bipolar depression, and I have done a tremendous amount of research and have physically tried every single thing I am going to list here. I am a recovering drug addict with a very broad and comprehensive knowledge of varying medications.

The biggest thing that you can do for your SO is support her. I know this is going to be incredibly hard for you right now but the biggest thing that has helped us on an emotional level has been a book called The 5 Love Languages. Here's a link.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Now I am not just promoting a book here, but I am suggesting a tool that can be vital to you two getting into a healthy emotional relationship with eachother. Now onto the drugs..

The best thing I have found, in terms of efficacy and with the least amount of side effects would be

Kanna. It is an all natural Succulent that people dry out the flowers, crush them up and then ingest. My girlfriend and I agree that the most effective and least uncomfortable way to take this is by mixing up some of the leaves into a piece of chewing gum and chewing for a while. The next best route of administration would be Sublingual, ie puttin the plant matter underneath your tongue and holding it there for as long as you can stand.

Kava Kava. It is an ancient herb that will help combat anxiety and depression, and it also helps tremendously with sleep. You can get capsules from a health food store, just make sure to get an extract with a large amount of kavalactones in it, and you can find tea with it too.

Blue lotus. This is another ancient remedy for anxiety and depression, you will most likely have to get this online, but it does help you feel more relaxed and it really does work.

Kratom. This is an all natural plant that has been used in Thailand for thousands of years. It helps with pain, anxiety, depression and has lots of other benefits. There are hundreds of different active alkaloids. Anti-inflammatory, Anti-cancerous, blood pressure regulators, anti-anxiety, painkilling, and tons and tons of others.

Now on to the next things, the things that will have to be taken with a word of caution.

GABA. This can be found at a health food store and it is a natural chemical responsible for motivation, happiness, well being and more. Taking GABA supplements do not cross the blood brain barrier very well, but people still report that it works for them. It's fairly cheap and it might work for her, check it out.

Aniracetam. This is a drug that was developed as a treatment for Alzheimers disease. It is now sold online as a cognitive enhancer (nootropic) and an anti-anxiety med. Tolerance builds up quickly so taking it every few days would be recommended. Here's a thread about it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/43dm0f/aniracetam_my_personal_impression_my_life_has/

https://corpina.com/aniracetam/

Now, here's my personal favorite, but it can be very dangerous in terms of physical dependence and withdrawal symptoms.

Phenibut. This is a chemical that works almost exactly like GABA in the brain, except it readily passes the blood brain barrier. This has been a godsend for me in terms of motivation, productiveness and fighting my depression and anxiety. This is the one she would have to be most careful about. Start with very low doses and gauge the effectiveness. 500mg to start and then wait. it takes a good 4 hours to kick in if you take it on an empty stomach. stay within the 500mg - 1500mg dosage range and never redose within a 4 hour period. This does cause physical dependence though. My advice for her would be to take it once every few days, or not more than 2 days in a row, with 3 days in between doses.

make sure to read this page about phenibut though.
https://corpina.com/positive-negative-side-effects-phenibut/

Let me know if you want a pdf version of that love languages book.

I don't know if you've spoken to her about this, but you should. And by speaking, I mean a discussion, one where you primarily listen.

Does she have sexual insecurities? There are women who are convinced they smell or taste bad and are paranoid about having sex because of this. This isn't all that unusual at her age, where likely she's only been having sex for a couple of years. It takes time to build confidence.

Does she have problems reaching orgasm? If she doesn't get a lot of physical enjoyment out of sex, then that's another reason, and it's an opportunity for you to improve your record. If that's the problem, try reading She Comes First by Ian Kerner.

Why does she have sex? Some women are so inhibited that they only have sex for the physical closeness and affection, and view the sex part as very much secondary. (For that matter, some men are the same.) Is that what she's looking for?

Is she worried about the likelihood of pregnancy? If you two are using condoms for contraception, that's an excellent reason to be concerned, and it would serve her well to learn about alternative forms of contraception.

There are medications, most commonly antidepressants, that greatly inhibit one's sex drive — it's normal to react to SSRIs as if you've just taken vows in a monastery.

There are lots of reasons that people aren't having sex, and it's worth your time to ask. She may not tell you, but it won't hurt to ask. She may simply have a low libido, or it may be any of the reasons I outlined or one of the ones I didn't, but she's too embarrassed to admit it.

Your best bet is to ask in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way. Make it clear to her that you love her and you're not considering leaving her. You just want to make sure she enjoys the sex life you do have.

It's quite possible that if the sexual encounters you have improve significantly, she'll want to have sex more often. At your age, it's normal to have poor technique. (I'm not saying you do, just that it's quite common.) She Comes First is an excellent manual on technique.

Good luck. I know I didn't mellow out about sex until I was in my twenties, but I ended up making a few men very happy after that. :)

> You seem to have a healthy relationship.

I think so. We are very happy together and have very few problems. Books that helped us negotiate our current relationship were: Sex At Dawn, Opening Up, and we also bought and read The Ethical Slut, but found it kind of silly. If you want to try this type of relationship, you have to sit down and talk about it. You have to figure out your own personal boundaries, set explicit rules, and trust her to follow them. Do you have a good friendship? Do you have a good sex life? Most importantly, do you trust her with your physical safety (STDs, etc) and your emotional/mental safety? These are all important basic questions that you have to set straight in your mind before you even begin to pursue the idea of an open or "monogamish" relationship.

EDIT: Also, please make sure you talk to your SO about safe sex and what that explicitly means to you. You both need to go get tested, so you know where you are starting out, health-wise. This is of PARAMOUNT importance.

OP - you should start going to the gym and working out too. You'll gain confidence, have more energy, look better, increase testosterone production -> higher sex drive, be healthier, etc.

You can try to go with your wife, but don't let her dissuade you from going if she isn't supportive (this seems weird to me but maybe she wants to go alone since going with another person is slower, or she thinks you won't be serious about it and would be a waste of her time to teach you). You don't need another person to workout anyway. All you need is Starting Strength, which will teach you the 5 main compound movements. Once you've read this, go to www.stronglifts.com to setup a routine that uses these 5 main compound movements.

This is exactly what I did 4 years ago. I never set foot in a weight training area before. I was a complete and utter noob, but I had drive and wanted to learn how to lift and get stronger. The first workouts were awkward as I learned my way around the gym and how to use the equipment, and I was incredibly sore afterwards. It turns out that you get less sore as your body adjusts to exercise, and awkwardness goes away with just a bit of experience. Within 4 months I had gained noticeable weight and strength - and even knew the lifts pretty well. My friends noticed and started going to the gym with me so I could teach them - they considered me the resident expert on strength training. But really all I did was read Starting Strength, watch some Youtube videos, and do the lifts myself.

You asked how to get back on equal footing - I think doing the above would be a great start. You'll probably eventually surpass your wife on lifts, since men are stronger than women on average. Good luck.

1. Try having sex in the morning.
   
   
2. Try asking your wife about HER sexual fantasies.
   
   
3. Ask if she'll let you buy her lingerie
   
   
4. Start giving her massages. This builds physical and emotional intimacy, which will lead to more sexual intimacy.
   
   
5. Start having date nights. A woman's sexual desire is slow burning. It can take a few hours of feeling playful and intimate to lead to pleasurable and exciting sex... guys? They can be ready to go in 30 seconds. We're different, and matching our sexual rhythms requires effort, and compromise.
   
   
6. Read and research! The internet sex you're watching? IT'S PLAY SEX! It's theater! Read actual books about how to ignite your relationship. 99.98% of porn is made for men. You are going to see what men want in porn.... what the lady is asking for? That's what men want ladies to ask for! I'm not saying that no women enjoy what happens in porn, I'm saying: how often do you see a guy rubbing a woman's clit while he's Fucking her? Almost never! How often do you see an extended vag munching session? Almost never! Try this book
   
   
7. TALK TO YOUR WIFE! Sex with busy lives and children in the house takes planning. It can feel less than romantic to look at schedules and plan alone time, but a good sex life is the glue that holds a marriage together. It should be important enough to reserve space for in your busy lives.
   
   
8. I really think cam sex is cheating. I don't think it's as small of a deal as you're making it out to be. My opinion is mine alone, but I'm a pretty sexually adventurous person, and I would not stand for my partner camming without my explicit permission. I'm pretty sure that I would grant permission because we're not strictly monogamous, but heads would roll If he went behind my back. You should really feel out this decision and its impact.
   
   
9. Don't believe everything you see in porn. Adults talk about sex. They negotiate the rules. They ask for permission. They say " I really want you to sit on my face. Will you do that?" "Can I spank you? Let me know if I'm too hard" "licking your pussy is so hot. Can I try rimming you, too? If you don't like it I'll stop" Asking for permission can be telling your partner that they're sexy.. its not sitting down with a pencil and clipboard for an extensive survey.
   
   
10. I promise your wife has sexual fantasies. Help her awaken them and explore them. Help her find the time to be intimate with you!

I feel for you so much. My mom was never happy with anything I ever did, and still isn't. I had the same dilemma as you - good grades, good daughter, I didn't understand why I could never make her happy. I gave up trying to understand her a long time ago. What I did was minimize contact with her - I haven't spoken to her in months, although I do keep in touch regularly with my dad - he's the greatest.

Long-term goal - focus on going away for college, or getting the means to move out once you're 18. Get a job, find a roommate, get another job. You'll feel so much more empowered knowing you can take care of yourself. Dream about that moment, when you'll be free to do whatever you want, including not answering your parents' phone calls. And deciding to see them only once a month, instead of every week like they'd want to. (I'm just giving some examples here, but you'll be in total control of how often you guys interact.)

Short term - every time they try to put you down, you should reply by saying something you did good - I got an A in that class, or I did some other things. You should also remind them that you don't do drugs, never drank, never got pregnant. If they bring up examples of kids doing better than you (my mom had a neverending list!), you bring up other kids who are doing drugs, or went to jail, or don't get better grades than you. Remind them every day - their habit is hard to break, so you'll have to be very persistent and consistent.

I wonder if there's a counselor at your school. Talk to one of your teachers - there must be one you trust or like more than all the others. He/she can give you more information. I know that all colleges have free counseling for students, so worse case scenario, you'd have to wait a year to get into counseling. And the counseling in college is confidential, so your parents won't find out about it unless you tell them (or maybe if you're a danger to yourself, the college might have to notify them).

I found this book: [Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem] (http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346530194&sr=1-2&keywords=bipolar+parent). Maybe you can find it in your local library - this way, your parents don't have to know about it. I found this book by going to Amazon, and searched for 'bipolar parent'. There are quite a few books there. Your public library must have at least one of them.

You've come along so far, please hang in there. It won't be easy, it will take years for you to repair the emotional damage that's been done to you by the two people that are supposed to love you unconditionally in this world, but the end result will be worth it. Please hang in there.

There's a lot of different directions you can go with this and a lot of it boils down to what your personal style is.

I'd definitely start initiating. Or, if I were him, that would help. When my wife and I first started dating, she basically had to hit me over the head with a clue-by-four for me to realize she was willing to make the leap to a sexual relationship with me.

It's certainly a good idea to talk about this stuff and get it out in the open. If you can keep in light and positive, I think you can make a lot of progress. More like "I really enjoy being with you and I'd like this relationship to be a lot more physical. How would you like to see things evolve over the near-term?" instead of "You're frustrating the piss out of me, dude."

He may not have had any good male guidance about this stuff, so he feels trapped between being the wimpy "nice guy" who never makes a move or being a pushy douchebag, you know? A book I found extremely helpful was The Way of the Superior Man, which is maybe 30% bullshit but also asks the reader a lot of difficult and helpful questions about how to progress sexually and emotionally as a guy. I found it valuable even while I cringed at some of the author's more loony ideas.

You could also encourage him to read the all-time top posts to /r/sex. A lot of it won't apply to him but it's almost guaranteed to widen his perspective. You could even find stories you like and forward them to him or read them together and talk about them, like whether he'd like to try various things with you.

I'm unclear on whether he's a virgin, which would make this even scarier for him. If he's not, that'll be easier for you both.

I know this is kind of rambling, so I hope some of it is useful.

Let me say right up front that this is colored through the lens of my own experience, so I am not necessarily unbiased here. :) OK, that out of the way, from the little we know, she sounds as though she flip flops on you. One moment she's OK and the next, pushing you away. She's tried therapy and treatment for depression which has been ineffective. She gets angry with you for no apparent reason, but refuses to tell you why. She acts like things are OK in front of others, yet when alone, she's a different person.

Man, if I weren't sure it's not, I'd say you were married my ex-wife. (I know she's not because the ages are wrong. That said, I went though exactly what you're describing for two decades. Why so long, you may ask? Well, she'd be great for a long time. Her grandmother lived with us for many years, which in retrospect made her behave more carefully.

All that aside, let me give you the end result. She was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't get into exactly what all that means, but I urge you to look into it. According to my own therapist, as well as the one we both went to fora while against her "better judgement", BPD is underdiagnosed and is commonly misdiagnosed as depression because the symptoms in common are all that tend to get reported.

One thing that makes it extremely difficult to treat, let alone live with, is their brain apparently literally makes memories up to suit, even moreso than normal. They will adamantly argue that you did X, despite X never having been done. They're also most often perceived by those not close to them as very normal and even likable. There are a number of theories on why that is, but it's very common.

I read a book on it a while ago, aimed more at children of BPD parents, but my therapist thought it was useful. I found it immensely so. I'll ask her for the name of it and edit in a link later.

Edit: Holy crap, she got back to my text fast! Must have caught her at a good time. Anyhow, the book is called Surviving a Borderline Parent. I found it quite helpful, personally.

Good luck, man. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Likely downvote bait, but there really is some good information for your situation in /r/seduction. There is also some smarmy pickup bullshit, so use your own judgement.

The information of value simply has to do with self improvement, and emboldening your interactions with women to clearly display your intentions. This is difficult to do, but short of that you often end up as a friend. As that's what you're acting like.

Can't say I care for the title but I really recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358.

It explains very well how simply being your unabashed self, honest and genuine with your interactions, is key to your romantic pursuits.

You're doing WAY too much. Dial it back about 10 notches at least. You're assuming that because you would enjoy getting little notes, he does too. But it seems pretty clear that he just finds that annoying.

Most guys love the thrill of the chase. You've made it very obvious to him that he has absolutely no need to pursue you. He's got you. Now he's just testing to see how little he can get away with doing and still keep you as his girlfriend. Trust me, he knows it bothers you, but he doesn't care. Because he's certain you're always going to be there.

If you want to be appreciated again, STOP. Stop absolutely everything. No more notes, sexy texts, FB messages, etc ... As far as the chores go, don't ask him to do any (since he isn't anyway). You just do the things you need to for yourself - wash your own clothes, clean only the dishes you dirtied or that you need for your meal. Buy groceries that you want to eat. Let him fend for himself.

Don't explain to him why you've changed your behavior, just do it and act as if nothing is different. Find a few outside interests and spend more time away from him. Make it clear through your actions (not words) that you won't always be available at his beck and call.

If you really want to keep the relationship, this is the book you need to read: Why Men Love Bitches Every piece of advice she gives is dead-on accurate.

What you're going through is completely normal.

> We've been NC for 2+ months and I was really debating breaking that because I just miss having my best friend so much.

I think the best thing you can do is remain NC if you truly want to heal and move on, unless you hate yourself and want more pain. In the book Getting Past Your Breakup, this is a major topic. In it, she says:

> While there are many versions of “let’s be friends” and your mileage may vary, the advice remains the same: Trying to be friends with your ex is a losing strategy most of the time.

And:

> The person who pushes to “be friends” is usually the one who doesn’t want the commitment or responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely relinquish the companionship of someone familiar.

You might think that trying to be friends with her will make this easier or make the pain go away but it won't! Be prepared to hear about how much fun she is having and how happy she is with her new boyfriend. Be prepared to see all the pictures and anything related to you GONE, and to be treated like a buddy when you still love her. Be prepared for her to cross the line with you which leads you on, only for her to say "that was a mistake" and disappear. This is just a small example from my past foolishness related to "let's be friends!" It's a BAD IDEA.

> I go out and meet people and make sure my life is on track but there's still an emptiness in part of me that doesn't go away.

Seven months after a 4.5 year relationship isn't long. It took me FIVE YEARS to get over my first one and it's been nearly two since my last one and sometimes I still miss her SO much. This is completely normal even though we're often told "yo it's been two weeks, you need to get out there man!" It takes time but I can tell you that there are specific actions you can take to make it better, and that breaking NC is almost surely an action that is going to make it worse for you.

Before you do anything, at least read through the above book starting on around page 26 where she talks about this whole "let's be friends" business and really give this some thought. I read through the whole book and did most of what she said, and it helped me a lot with the end of my last major relationship. It wasn't easy but I'm much further along in the process now than I was with the first one. I just hope you don't have to learn the ultra hard way like I did.

If you are both going to be reading books on your own you have to make an agreement even sign an actual written contract to each other and post it in your kitchen on the firdge or something that says you are both willing to make the effort to WANT to fix things. There is a great book that my wife and I both loved called "Love and Respect" Dr. Eggerich is a GREAT speaker and it's an amazing book that might change the way you think about your relationship. If you want to have a little intro into the book you can find some of his conference sessions on youtube here. Sit down and watch this together and then decide whether you want to read the book together or seperately and talk about it often.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor for your past issues? Unrelated to your relationship, being suicidal is really serious and having that turn around based on one person is a precarious position to be in. It's not just that the relationship might not last, but if for some other reason you have to be apart it puts you in a bad position. It's important to have a proper support system that doesn't hinge on one person.

About the baseless accusations of cheating, either this is really coming out of thin air(which again, it might help to talk to someone about -- therapist, friend, whatever) or your gut is telling you something. Trust is really important for long distance relationships(sounds like you're long distance since you met online and he's visiting). If you really feel that it's coming from nowhere, try stopping yourself before you make an accusation and ask yourself how you're feeling and try to handle whatever emotion is making your act out. A lot of times it can help to just walk away and think about something else. If you make a habit of analyzing why you're about to do something, it gives you time to tell your boyfriend, "Hey, I'm just not feeling so well right now. I'm going to take a break and cool off for a few minutes." Even just going outside and getting some fresh air can help if you're about to act out of just pure irrational emotion, and it gives you a few minutes to reflect on how to start a calm conversation if needed.

Also, I can see how having different first languages would create an issue with communication. If you're interested, I think this book might be relevant to you, especially if you interact with many people who have a different first language or come from a different culture. My husband and I both have English as a first language but come from different cultures and recently that booked helped us understand a little the root of some minor but frequent misunderstandings we have.

You sound like me. I grew up similarly abused and also have anxiety and self esteem issues.
He's being insensitive for sure (maybe a bit ignorant), especially after you told him that you were ready to see a therapist (great idea because that's what I did and I'm a lot better now). I don't even know why he said that when you said you were going to see a therapist, it kind of makes me mad that he did when you were actively trying to fix yourself. My boyfriend was happy that I saw one and supported me.

But he might not be aware that people with anxiety issues do not simply just get over it, it's a long process of acceptance. A lot of people think that way about anxiety so I don't really think you should blame him for that.
So you should definitely communicate to him that this is a part of you that you are trying to fix and as a boyfriend he should be supportive in your decision, and that you are hurt by him telling you to get over it. Though he hasn't talked to you, just be the bigger person and explain yourself, because he may not fully understand.

BTW you are not WORTHLESS. You deserve to feel good about yourself, I used to think exactly like you, and it's just circular thinking. Therapy is the way to go. Fantastic book if you would like to get started on your way to loving yourself: Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. If you need anyone to talk to you can PM me. I want to help because I know how it felt and still feels.

Alrighty, my personal feeling is that you are an introvert, she is an extrovert. In order to be recharge your energy you need time completely alone.

Personally I would recommend that you go out, and either rent or buy the book, The Introvert Advantage, How to thrive in an extrovert world":
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695

The book spends a fair amount of time covering how introverts and extroverts act in relationships together. It recommends ways that the two partners work together.

She clearly doesn't understand why you have the need to be alone, and she won't accept your explanations. I have this nasty feeling that she has the impression that everyone thinks like her, and hopefully this book will help convince her that you do need more time to yourself and that it is not a negative reflection on her.

Some couples have problems because one likes to go and get drunk and flirt with members of the opposite sex. In my opinion wanting some time to your own is so much less of a big deal.

I'm saying that -- for you -- making friends will be hard given your current social skill level, so you need to improve your socializing skills. Given that you're asking:

> How do you transition from talking about movies to becoming someone they view as a friend?

I stand by my assessment.

Unfortunately, the assistance that you need to develop social skills is more than I can provide. I can't really explain how you transition from small talk to being friends. I can recognize various variables as being good/not good, but I can't provide you the secret formula for making it work.

I recommend getting a life coach. If you can't afford that, try reading this book -- it was common sense to me, but you may find it enlightening.

ETA: You may find this thread useful. You can also try volunteering at a local food bank or animal shelter.

A recommendation for you: http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345840213&sr=8-1&keywords=she+comes+first

Becoming good at going down on her means that your ability to demonstrate to her how much you like her sexually won't be at the mercy of ED. That alone may help with the ED, if it's performance anxiety related - if you know that if worse comes to worse you are still going to be able to satisfy her, it can take a lot of pressure off of you. (It's also just a very good skill to have when it comes to making a partner happy.)

Additionally, I'd just recommend going out of your way to make physical contact with her. Touching and caressing can do a lot as far as communicating attraction, and it's another tool you have for demonstrating how you feel that doesn't require you to "perform".

Turn off the internet. Tell him you could care less if he pouts for three weeks and stays in his room. He can grovel in his own filth for all you care. You're done with his shit, and he needs to man up. If he wants the internet back on, he better start to get his shit together and help you out and if he doesn't, I'd cut his cable in his computer. He's not a 19-year-old boy in college, and neither are you. Have more self respect for yourself to let some little boy treat you like that. You have to put up with him the rest of your life and if you set the boundaries of your relationship to let him do whatever he wants, he will continue to do whatever he wants. Alslo, if you can't seem to understand this, buy this book >> http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560 it's been a life saver.

I recently read a great book.

[Getting Past Your Breakup] (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating-ebook/dp/B0097CWNSO/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1409175171&sr=8-2&keywords=how+to+get+over+a+breakup)

Basically it breakdowns this point. Once your SO says it's over. That relationship that you had is forever done. Now that doesn't mean you can't start anew. However it MUST be different. You need to set boundaries. And you need to ensure you don't fall into old habbits. Otherwise the same vicious cycle will happen again.

So be prepared. If you want the relationship it has to be different. You can't just jump back in and expect it to be like the good times.

Hold him accountable to the counseling. Is there a time that you know he is available that works for you? Set the appointment for that time, and let him know you expect him to be there. If he blows it off, go by yourself and talk to the counselor about your situation.


If he does blow it off, when you get home, let him know that he let you down by not showing up. Try as hard as you can to swallow any resentment/anger that you have when you tell him this. You have every right to be angry if he blew it off, that's not what I'm saying. But right now you want to be heard by him and acknowledged by him. Blowing your top and letting him have it will just make him tune out and want to go plan his party more.


Your nice husband is in there, he is just struggling to figure out where he fits in the new family routine. Believe it or not, a lot of new fathers are intimidated by the simple acts of parenting like diaper changes, feedings, naps, etc. If you have been doing it for a while he is very likely even more intimidated because he doesn't want to disappoint you.


Keep plugging away at the communication, that is what will get both of you through this. It sounds like a very typical new family struggle, so don't lose hope yet. A good counselor should be able to get both of you on the right path.


In addition to the excellent book already suggested, I also suggest checking out "Love and Respect" It is a faith based marriage book, so if that turns you off initially, I would still urge you to give it a try. The fundamental beliefs of the underpinnings of marriage are the heart of the book, and you may find it has a very transforming impact on your marriage. It was a complete game changer for my marriage, so I can't recommend it highly enough.

> at this point I have lost faith in all men.

Don't let that happen, not all men are like this. In fact I can use myself for an example. I met my wife when I was 19 and I am now 31 she is the only person I've ever been with, dated, etc. To get to the crux of why this is happening to you, you need to evaluate how you make your choices of who to be with and see if the problem lies there. And also listen to others, if they're worth having around odds are they have your best interests at heart.

Edit: Here's a book that might help you. The book basically has you evaluate all of your relationships and why they went wrong. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating-ebook/dp/B0097CWNSO/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1425408666&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+over+a+breakup

First thing: I'd venture to say that you guys need to learn how to have these conversations in a more productive way. You won't be able to get to the discussions about counseling (which is also a great idea) until you can have those conversations in a productive way.

Have you heard of the book "Difficult Conversations"? I'd suggest you buy two copies and both read it.

Another great one - "That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen

My plan: Buy two copies of each. Read them together. Discuss. Try to put them into practice.

1. Difficult Conversations (DiffCon): http://amzn.com/0143118447
   
   2: "That's Not What I Meant": http://amzn.com/0062062999

the best suggestion I can offer is to realize that men communicate differently than women and need different things in relationship. lots of women assume that their preferred mode of communication is better, so they get angry or assume something's wrong when a guy doesn't communicate similarly. you don't seem to have this problem, writing "which doesn't go down too well, because he justifiably feels pretty victimised." while you recognize it's a two-way street, lots of women don't -- and guys can get conditioned to regard communicating with women as a threat. I suspect this happened with your BF. Journalist Jack Kammer wrote that women often complain men are calloused, while forgetting that callouses develop to protect sensitive areas from repeated irritation.

you might want to read a book called "Love and Respect," by Emerson Eggerichs. I stumbled across a radio interview with him a few weeks ago, and was very impressed. He writes from a Christian perspective, but in the segment I heard he wasn't a Bible-thumping type (I'm not religious, and wasn't put off by the Christian content). His basic idea idea is that men need to feel respected as much as they feel loved (if not more). But women don't understand this need for respect, so men withdraw, women get angry, men feel even less respect, and a nasty cycle starts. It all resonated with me, because I've dumped several girlfriends who were repeatedly disrespectful towards me in ways that he described.

short overview here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/the_love_and_respect_principle/basics_of_love_and_respect.aspx

More info:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Edit

I haven't read the book yet, because about 15 people were ahead of me in the hold queue at my library.

Your mom is a bitch. Plain and simple. You need to set some boundaries with her and let her know that it is absolutely NOT ok to talk to you like this.

This is verbal and psychological abuse.

Unfortunately, you cannot control other people, but boundaries are for you to define what you will and will not accept from others. Define a boundary with your mother, and give her a specific consequence for crossing it.

Say directly to her: Mom, I will not listen to the hurtful things you say. If you continue to say them, I will leave the room.

Then, if she continues, leave the room, go somewhere else, and continue to do this whenever she is hurtful.

You will get some initial pushback and explosion, and she will try to drag you back in using guilt and insults. Don't be moved.

Check out this book and see what you think. Here are some excerpts from it as well.

I'm sorry that's happening to you, It's especially painful when someone you trust and love says those sort of things to you. Remember, you are a good person, and you are worthy of love and affection.

Right now both of you want to be heard and neither of you are listening. You're both tired, overwhelmed, and keeping score. You both have to let go and stop trying to control each other. Sit down and discuss expectations and roles.

Your fiancé seems to see that you need a break, and you do, so when he says, "get a job to get out of the house, give yourself a break" you are hearing something critical and he isn't criticizing you in his mind, he is trying to be supportive.

Stop trying to be right, he needs to stop trying to be right. You have to let go of the little things, refocus your attention on the positive attributes in each other because as long as you are focusing on the negative, that's all you'll be able to see. You don't feel appreciated, and I'm guessing neither does he. You aren't speaking the same language. Check out this book, The 5 Love Languages. If you aren't religious, which I'm not, just ignore the dogma like I did. I am guessing you two don't speak the same love language.

One book I found recently has helped me tons.

Surviving a Borderline Parent

I, too, come from an undiagnosed borderline parent and also exhibit borderline traits (with my Bipolar II). It's a rough road, but self-awareness goes a long way. Make sure you find a counselor ASAP - either at your school or call around for someone who works on a sliding scale.

How To Help Your Spouse After Your Affair

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

I identify so much with this. The book that really opened my eyes was The Way of the Superior Man. Probably 60% of that book is bullshit but the stuff that works is right on target.

A big part of what I learned from that book was to take my wife seriously, but not to let her dictate my life. Once I started putting that into place, so many other parts of our relationship began working much better.

Hey there. Please check out:

http://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse

and

http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382120517&sr=1-5&keywords=emotional+abuse

(there are PDFs of the book around, you can find a link in that sub).

Hey, I'm going through similar problem with my parents and have been reading this book - http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

It is super helpful for me to understand all my anger, guilty and frustrations.

Good luck with your healing.

EDIT: Also, if you run away from her or try to cut her out of your life w/o getting help, it will come back and bite you. I've moved out since college and 27... After 3 unsuccessful relationships, I realize I still have the same guilt and anger about my parents.. only I've dumped them on my bfs... So don't just run away, get help and make sure you are confident enough to have a healthy relationship.

Did anyone else immediately think of [this?] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1481227041/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1373170061&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX112_SY192) The author did an AMA a while back.

Step 1:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346

Step 2: http://www.amazon.com/Good-Calories-Bad-Controversial-Science/dp/1400033462

Is there any possibility there is a tape in his closet with your name on it? Get the book the SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR

http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346612824&sr=1-1&keywords=sociopath+next+door

Just gonna leave this here. :)

The steps in working through a lot of relationship issues are the same. Take responsibility for your actions, sincerely apologize for your wrongdoing, don't do it again. Sounds like you have the first two down but don't know how to accomplish the third, which is common for people who are stuck in the cycle.

Full disclosure, I (26F) was in an abusive relationship years ago and now I often wonder if I am also emotionally abusive or just an overly emotional person. This is what I have found that has been working for me.

1: Sit down with her and tell her how you are feeling. You need to validate her feelings. Its not a discussion where she tells you everything that is wrong with you though. Name it to tame it.

"I recognize my actions hurt you in ways I don't fully understand. I fear that I am emotionally abusive towards you and that hurts me too. I am so sorry. I want to break the cycle. I am going to work on it by doing x, y, z (be specific.) I would like your support and I need you to hold me accountable."

2: Get this DBT workbook, read it, study it, practice it. Every day. Ask her to read it too, and read your answers, so she knows what you're working on.

3: Read about Stoicism. I think you will find the notion of living virtuously according to reason rather than letting your emotions control you will resonate with you.

I know you are feeling ashamed by your behavior but you should be proud that you are taking steps to improve.

I read through all of your comments. It was interesting to say the least.

You make excuses for yourself a lot and not even good ones. "I guess it was x [insert stress, hormones, gluten] that made me do it." is so fucking weak. Take some responsibility for your actions. Stop being a child & man up.

You need to get some insight. Thanks to your insecurities, self destructiveness, immaturity & self-absorption, you will continue to emotionally abuse people and you'll either push people away, or more horrifically, end up being with an enabler that allows you to abuse them.

Face the demons in your past. Face up to the kind of person you are being. Maybe therapy will work for you. Maybe you need to read more & gain some perspective on yourself. Maybe you need to confront your parents. I don't know what your problem is but you do. Fucking deal with it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abusing/dp/0471454036

Maybe start here: http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Emotionally-Abusing-Others

I'm 28 now and doing well, but I had serious panic disorder when I was around your age. I have always been an anxious person, especially socially... I mean, even when I was a toddler I was worrying about things and getting anxious in groups. When I was around 16 I started getting panic attacks almost daily, mostly when I was at school. I know exactly what you mean about being too scared to go back to class during/after one - I was always a good student but after the panic attacks started I would ditch school to avoid those situations. I even literally walked out of class and drove home. Panic attacks are serious and they're NOT "normal nerves" when you're having them that frequently.

I think, as others have suggested, the best course of action is to talk to a trusted teacher or counselor at school about what's happening. If you have a doctor that you can see that might be helpful too. Personally, I saw my primary care doctor about the panic attacks and found out I have hypothyroidism, which either caused them initially or made them worse. Also, the doctor, teacher or counselor should be able to get you help or talk to your parents and convince them that what's happening isn't normal.

There are also other resources you can use on your own (although I think a therapist/counselor is the best course of action right now). These were all recommended to me by my therapist:

paniccenter.net has free online cognitive behavioral therapy tools for panic

Hope and Help for Your Nerves is a book by Claire Weekes that helped me a lot

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook

If you can't get the books, I have both and can mail them to you for free if you'd like, just PM me. I hope everything gets better for you soon. I know it's REALLY tough to deal with panic and anxiety but it can get better. If you want to talk about it or have any questions you can PM me as well.