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u/craigsproof · 8 pointsr/socialskills

I used to be terrible with women. Constantly friendzoned. Got cheated on by a girlfriend that I had no idea how I got.

Then I found some "pickup" stuff online that got me lucky two times in a row following a script... and then nothing. So I studied more online stuff. I was going to be the best pickup artist ever, I was going to show them all! I'd approach women to impress my friends. Got a stripper to go out for coffee(ended badly, I was totally over my head). All sorts of showy stuff.

Luckily I found some charisma based pickup stuff that was essentially just presenting yourself in the correct manner, and not be afraid to escalate sexually.

One of the techniques was a type of disqualification where if anybody said anything negative you agree and amplify. And if they say something positive, be genuinely thankful, but say something a bit humbling to keep yourself human.

Disqualification was great for my interactions with others, but weirdly, it was the best thing for me. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. I started not to place too much importance in what others thought of me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a freeing way. I came to realize that I didn't need to impress anybody by showing off or becoming a pickup superstar. I became decent at dating and could spend my energy in other areas of my life.

The reason I'm telling you this is because "pickup" advice can help you, but you need to be careful. As Grayflcn said, becareful over in Seddit. There are some genuine people there, but there are also some people trying to impress people with BS, or show offy, creepy things. Try to keep your filters set appropriately.

I've been in a relationship for a while, but trying to help some friends I've found some things I think are good resources in this area coming from the right place...

  1. the Art of Charm ( guys have a ton of free stuff available to get better with women that you can trust.
  2. this book: comes from the right frame, and was of huge help to a friend in this and other areas.

    That said... if you've already got women you're dating maybe the only thing wrong is you're not escalating. Letting them know you find them attractive in a man to woman manner. This may seem like a huge hurdle, I was terrified of this. Yet, doing it a few times, it became something I did without thinking because it totally improved my relations with females.

    It's 3 steps.
    Figure out what you find sexy about her. Something about her personality is better than something physical.
    Use the word sexy to tell her you think that thing is sexy . There's no ambiguity. She knows what you mean when you use that word.
    Don't wait for a reaction, start talking about something else. It will ferment in there and not waiting for an answer shows you're not hanging on her approval.

    Example: I like women that make me laugh... she says something funny.

    "Hey, you're funny, I think funny women are sexy. (A half beat pause so it's not rushed then) So, anyway, tell me more about that Japanese restaurant... "

    It seems like a small thing but it made a total difference in my male/female relations.

    I'm typing this on mobile, but I remember the pain of feeling helpless with women. I hope some of this helps a bit, Bud.

    *Edit fixing the book link that didn't work.

    ** Edit2 I'm not sure this is worthy of it, but thank you to whoever gifted me the gold.
u/EagerSleeper · 164 pointsr/socialskills

Since I don't know the extent of your Autism, I will write as if I'm speaking to a person that is just very inexperienced with dating.

It definitely is different from case to case.
Some people experience it like this though:

  • Meet a single person through any means (pool of friends, stranger at bar, etc.)
  • Get to know them through casual conversation, keeping eye contact longer than you would normally.
  • If they appear to pay attention to you (they don't leave the area, they ask questions about you in return, they maintain a decent amount of eye contact with you), then they might be interested.
  • In this case, it would be wise to mention an activity you going to be doing soon or at a later date, and that they should join. Preferably this will be somewhere where exploration and/or drinking can occur.
    If they agree; pull out your phone, open up a New Contact, put their name in, click the phone number field, then hand them the phone to type it in.
  • Be the person to politely end the conversation, preferably on a good note (like a callback to an earlier in-joke, a playful reference to the future event, or a cheerful goodbye stating you need to return to your friends)

  • Arrange transportation and greet them at the venue with a friendly physical contact (fist bump, funny handshake, hug, high-five) to get the friendly vibes going. Keep a positive energy throughout the "date" and err on the side of punctuating certain moments with physical contact ("Oh my god, I can't believe you said that!" slaps arm, "Hey, look over there." lightly elbows side, Put arm around them and poke their other shoulder to distract them "Did you know that guy or something?" grin)
  • The focus of the "date" is to get them comfortable with you, get comfortable with them, and learn about them while relating your own experiences. Its almost like hanging out with a good friend, but with more physical contact and teasing. Also, if you're a guy, assume you will be paying the tabs unless she physically stops you/puts her money down. I'm all for equality, but this is something that can only help you in an early dating situation. You can split bills later in the relationship.

    PROTIP: If there is a lull in the conversation, don't keep prodding them or start playing on your phone, instead have a casual conversation with someone around you (bartender, person in line near you, somebody sitting at bar). This shows you aren't a puppy dog relying on them for entertainment, are outgoing, and have confidence (an attractive trait universally).

  • If the date is going very well and the physical contact is being reciprocated or even escalated, mention something unique about your home (A VR game system, a French Press for coffee, a song you're producing, a freaking cat, whatever). Usually its best to drop this in earlier on in conversation. When the date is starting to get stale/it is getting late, suggest you go back to your home to check out that thing (You won't actually be checking out that thing).

  1. If they say no and have a plausible excuse (I have work early, I have to take my mom to the airport at x:xx, etc.), they will often follow up with "...but I would like to hang out again!" or "...but I'm doing x on saturday/whatever". If not, just hit them up for another date later, they might still be interested.
  2. If they say no and don't have a plausible excuse (I have to feed my fish, I have to wash clothes, I'm tired) and don't offer a follow up hang out, then they are probably not interested. If they wanted to continue hanging with you, they would invite you over or come to your place after doing their task. They certainly wouldn't be tired unless its way into the AM, and even still...
    its best to assume you aren't compatible and leave them alone. Definitely don't beg or pressure them.
  3. If they say yes, see below

  • As you walk into your (hopefully clean) apartment, immediately commence intimate physical contact. Preferably making out. Lead into bedroom. Boom boom boom.
    At the FIRST sign of hesitation, stop entirely. Don't get butthurt or beg, just respect their wishes. You can offer them a drink or to do the activity you mentioned, then try again later. If still no, they may either have some friction (religious background, awkwardness about intimacy, principles against first-date hookups) or something went wrong and they think you're a friend/is using you for something. Nothing I've written here is a hard rule, simply my experience. This may not be the case for everybody, especially if there is mental disorder involved.

  • From here, if you want a girlfriend/boyfriend, you just need to meet up more and more until you've both decided to become exclusive. Include them in more fun activities, slowly bring them around your friends, and reveal more personal details about yourself. Eventually either they will ask you to become exclusive, or it is so implied that you should ask them to be exclusive with you. Most people won't go on 5+ actual dates with somebody unless a relationship is a possibility.

  • A relationship is like a best friendship where you slowly reveal more and more about eachother, rely on eachother more and more, and begin including them in your personal life more and more. It is not an attached-at-the-hip situation, it is more of a separate but together situation. Separate as in you both have your own interests, friend groups, and time alone. Together as in big life decisions should be shared with them, you have an obligation to only sleep with them, and you will be in somewhat regular contact with them throughout the weeks. Often this will lead to them moving in with you, getting married to you, and/or reproducing with you. There's no rulebooks to relationships except having boundaries, not being clingy, and assuming trust in them unless otherwise convinced.

  • Relationships often end once one person's boundaries are crossed by their partner (cheating, moral conflicts, distance) in which case they have enough pride to end it.
    Sometimes it ends because it just isn't adding anything exciting to their life (compatibility comes down to being able to tolerate eachother for an extended period of time). Sometimes they will go on until death, often not.

    Also, a book I cannot suggest enough is Mark Manson - Models

    This book probably gave me more applicable advice about dating than any other source period. It is one of the most useful materials for self-improvement. Possibly the best dating advice to ever exist.
u/timeqube · 2 pointsr/socialskills

A lot of books can offer valid practical advice, but AFAIK, there is no one compendium that you have to read. The best thing you can do is develop a mindset consisting of your values regarding interpersonal interaction. Social skills are 80% mindset and 20% taking a plunge and a willingness to try.

Apart from the books I suggested in the other thread, I can only advise you to branch out:

  • Many people, among them myself, appreciate ancient stoicism (Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius). Philosophy, ethics in particular, can be highly beneficial, because it forces you to actually think about what your values are supposed to look like.

  • /r/howtonotgiveafuck is modern stoicism and relates to our discussion about how much you should care.The quality varies - I haven't checked it out lately, but it went through excellent and less than stellar phases.

  • It is always useful to understand body language, to avoid sending negative body signals, understand others better and become more expressive. This book is great.

  • /r/getsuave is a subreddit aimed at those who want to build charisma and navigate social situations with elegance. It is concerned with dating and attraction a lot.

  • "How to win friends and influence people" will probably be suggested. It was revolutionary when it came out, but today, it's more of a staple. An interesting read, but not the holy grail. Also less manipulative than the title suggests.

  • Personality psychology, albeit a fuzzy field, might prove useful. It can open your eyes to how different people are, which can lead to a better understanding of yourself and others. MBTI is highly popular, but entirely unscientific - the theory behind it is wobbly and wonky. If you want to take a test, I'd suggest this one, as it cuts down on the theory fluff and aims at incorporating Big5, the most reliable and scientific tool to date.
u/WanderingJones · 1 pointr/socialskills

Yeah I would just ignore these guys.

The way I would look at this is you have two choices. Option 1 is to learn to live with the situation (maybe just temporarily), option 2 is to work on it.

For Option 1 I would recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (try reading Feeling Good). CBT is a good way to help align how you think with what you logically believe. Like MackNoir said, there really isn't a good reason to give a shit about what other people think, but the techniques in that book can help you actually think that way.

Also I would try meditation (see /r/meditation and Mindfulness in Plain English, a free book). Meditation is a great way to help you stay grounded and focused on the present (which includes not worrying about issues like you're talking about here).

For Option 2 you really just have to make an effort. If you want to feel like you're contributing to people's lives, invite them to things, offer to help people when the opportunity comes up, and volunteer. To make conversation easier, do things like read the news, learn about things that interest you, try a lot of different things and pick up hobbies. Also remember FORDEN for easy topics (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams, Environment i.e. your surroundings, and News). Those things along with being a good listener, conversation threading (google it), and practice should make conversation easy.

But obviously some of those things require some time. Like Jing-Jack said college will be different and you should have a lot more control over what you do with your time then (assuming you move out).

u/juanx1000 · 1 pointr/socialskills

I can relate to this since I pretty much stayed home for most of my summer at the moment but now i got a job and am starting to be more social. What will really help you out is if you start going to random places wheres their people and just start making small conversations with people. I know its going to be uncomfortable and you'll most likely have some awkward silence and run out of things to say, but the more you do it, the more you get use to it and soon enough your social skills should get better. You can even start small by simply saying hi to people as they pass by or try giving high fives to people. I also reccomend the book how to win friends and influence people by andrew carnegie I am sure you can find it somewhere online for free or just buy from Amazon. Anyways the only way you'll get better is if you go outside and step out your comfort zone. Learn to talk about anything, and be yourself meaning talk to people about the stuff you like and hobbies you do. This will help you find out if other people have the same interest as you or not, but chances are you'll definitely find people that have similar interests to you (If you don't what kind of person how will you share yourself with others. So start to learn about yourself and decide what kinda person you to be/become). Lastly I recommend howtonogiveafudge reddit as this will help you learn not to care about what people think about your action and stuff you do and it lets you be more selfish (in a good way so that you could do what you want without worrying about people judging you) and I reccomend this video by simplepickup basically telling you about what true confidence is. Hope this helps :)

u/AwesomeSexyGuy · 29 pointsr/socialskills

Nudge the girl. Make eye contact with a smile. Talk. Tease. Touch. Most importantly: practice.

How to Hold Conversation Like A Man

Body Language - Indicators of Interest

Eye Contact, Tonality and Story Telling, Body Language and Gesticulation Three great short videos.

Becoming the Gorilla

Two videos I haven't watched yet, but come highly recommended:

Rapid (Physical) Escalation Edit: I just finished watching this one. It started off badly and the title makes you think it'll be cheesy, but it's really good. I'd put it above Becoming the Gorilla, but below the three-video page.

The Fundamentals of Direct Game Edit: The presenter starts off super sleazy. Slowly he eases into douche. His advice seems solid and after about ten minutes he acts like a normal friendly guy. I love his "you're only competing against 3% of guys" section. That really boosted my confidence. It's at the 13:16 mark.

How to Win Friends and Influence People and The Charisma Myth are great books.

Honest Signalz This guy has a silver tongue. Watching him is more entertaining than helpful.

Check out /r/Seduction. It's not all cheesy lines. There is solid advice there.

u/Makorbit · 3 pointsr/socialskills

These were the lessons I learned that changed the way I saw things. I'm going to speak frankly because what you said resonates with how I felt when I was younger.

First, since I love reading, here's a good read that might be helpful


The prerequisite for respect from others is, first and foremost, self-respect. There is a profound difference between kindness coming from a place of self-respect and kindness coming from neediness. One asks nothing in return, simply for personal satisfaction of adhering to one's own personal pillars, the other gives expecting reciprocation. Respecting the self doesn't mean being an asshole to others, it's knowing what you want, what you value, and being willing to stand behind those regardless of others. Learn to need only the self, and you become a foundation from which true kindness can be found. Don't be afraid to let people see who you are.

This is the vital issue with the 'nice-guy' syndrome, and why you see bitterness come from 'nice-guys', especially when it comes to romantic interests. 'nice-guys' try to slip in an unspoken contract under their kindness, 'I'm going to be nice to you so I expect something in return'.


The loud, the colorful and the entertaining get the most attention. They may be rude and narcissistic, but they probably have more presence or 'I AM HERE' than someone who's nice, friendly, and kind. Attention isn't necessarily a good thing, the person who fucks around and has outbursts of rage gets attention and is entertaining, but no one respects them. The rotting apple garners as much attention as the apple pie next to a bowl of fruit. The people you describe may just have a stronger sense of self, what the self wants, and the self-respect to let that be known. People are drawn to that which is different. Different, not better, not worse.



Whlie we're on the topic of narcissism, the 'nice-guy' is one of the most narcissistic types of people. They convince themselves they're being altruistic, but they do things for others for the sake of getting something in return for themselves.

>'I always do them favors, they should do them for me, I'm always friendly with them they should be friendly to me, [I] listen to them they should listen to me, I'm always there for them they should always be there for me'.

You paid them in kindness and now they're revoking the contract because they 'end up using, disrespecting and leaving me'.

I only say this because I was like this once before. Once I began to see my 'kindness' through this lens, it became very easy to distinguish moments when I was being kind expecting something in return, and when I was being kind for the sake of it. Once I started to establish a firmer understanding of what I wanted, and what I personally valued, I noticed, over time, that people respected me more. They saw genuine me, not hiding behind the hollow mask of kindness.

u/Fucking_Sarcastic · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Here's some advice from someone who is almost twice your age:

Don't worry about it. Sex is great, and fun and all those things, but focusing on trying to get laid is just going to come across as desperate. You're not running out of time, and It's not "harder" after college. Relax.

Focus on you. Focus on your hobbies and interests. Read a book,
or two.

Become the best version of yourself and the rest will work itself out. I promise.

Edit: I just read your post history because I wanted to ty and dig into the heart of the problem you are having. Your posts reveal a lot about your personality, and I think that some of the communities that you are hanging out in are giving you bad advice for how to solve your problem. I also think that your problem has more to do with you than it does with other people. I know that may upset you, but it's important that someone be honest with you instead of trying to give you strategies that don't address the root problem.

I mean this with the utmost respect, what exactly is it that you bring to the table here? Seriously, and "I'm loyal" or "I respect women" does not count. Look at it this way, if you met a girl with the same physical traits and emotional baggage that you have, along with the low GPA (demonstrates someone that probably isn't applying themselves), what would you think? Would you want to sleep with that person? Would you want to be friends with that person, or would you see that person as bad news?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "this stuff isn't my fault." That may be true, but if you want to fix this problem, then even if this stuff isn't your fault, you need to make it your responsibility. I'm certain that if you're dealing with mental health issues, that there are resources at your school that can help you with them. I'm also certain that if your GPA is suffering, then your focus at school sucks, and you need to work with your academic advisors to come up with a plan to fix it. Finally, I'm certain that you can fix all of this stuff if you try.

So, what should you do to get laid before your last semester of college?

Take responsibility for your issues. Fix your shit. Be a man. Ask for help from people who can help you rather than strangers on the internet. Once you fix you, I'm confident that you won't have so much trouble with the ladies.

There is no aphrodisiac in the world like a person who is confident in themselves and successful at navigating the challenges of their life without expecting others to fix them.

u/undrstndngthmn · 6 pointsr/socialskills

This is good advice, but I don't think it's a very in-depth description. It's kind of like when someone asks for dating advice and people say "just be yourself!" Yeah, that's sort of right, but it doesn't tell you how.

Again, yours, and all the others' suggestions are great, but there is so much that goes in to cultivating a positive vibe, or rather, a charismatic vibe.

There are 3 Charismatic behaviors:

  • Presence
  • Power
  • Warmth

    To be able create these behaviors, you have to be in charismatic mental states. A lot of things effect your ability to create these charismatic mental states, and you have to know how to manage certain challenges that come up that can throw you out of your charismatic mental state.

    There are also different charismatic styles and you need to find yours.

  • Focus Charisma -- Presence and Confidence -- Example: Elon Musk, cofounder of PayPal and current CEO of Tesla Motors
  • Visionary Charisma -- Belief and Confidence -- Example: Steve Jobs, cofounder, CEO of Apple Inc.
  • Kindness Charisma -- Warmth and Confidence -- Example: the current Dalai Lama

    You have to learn how to speak and listen with charisma, and you also have to have charismatic body language.

    Any way, theres a book called The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. The book covers the stuff I mentioned above. This will cover ALL the stuff you need to give off charismatic (or positive) vibes
u/Nixienixie · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Such great points here. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of getting some mental health support but also addressing any underlying medical issues. So many of us are deficient in important vitamins and minerals due to lack of healthy nutrition and soil depletion, other environmental factors. I echo all the comments that encourage you to work on becoming healthy in body and mind. Exercise, nutrition, counseling or even some kick ass books that help you to shift your outlook. This book is supposed to be awesome, even life changing :

And have you ever read Perks of Being a Wallflower? Or a book that explains and normalizes introversion? This one is great:

Depression is no joke. And we can’t answer why you feel this way. But please know that it is common, you are not alone, and it can and will get better. You are not getting dumb or disappearing. That is just the depression and once it lifts — through medication, therapy or other changes in lifestyle — you will feel better and back to yourself. You will know joy and you will have an easier time connecting with others. Promise. I speak from my personal experience. Hang in there.

u/Danakin · 1 pointr/socialskills

You give good hints, but I personally don't think a restaurant is the place to go to if you want to find out if a girl likes you or not.

Just think about it, there is a whole table full of stuff acting as some kind of 'barrier' between you and the girl. This is "first official date" kind of stuff where you don't have to figure these things out anymore.

I'm not the biggest expert on dating myself, but it's always good to not have such a barrier, and it's also better when you can see her legs. Is she sitting relaxed or does she take defensive/nervous postures? Do her feet point to you or the door? Is one of her feet constantly wipping up and down?

I read in a book on body language, either this one or this one, the former definitely having a chapter on flirting body language, that legs and feet are our most honest parts of the body, and think about it, it makes sense. You can lie with your face (e.g. poker face), with your hands (think of a liar who shows you his palms in a 'wasn't me' kind of way), but we rarely think about what our feet do.

I think that's why café are such popular "dating" places. You don't have to sit across a table, it's a relaxed setting and the seats are very comfortable. It's cheaper than a restaurant, too. When you're in a café you can try to sit next to her, or at least at ~90°.

u/djrobzilla · 3 pointsr/socialskills

Having dealt with this exact thing myself and mostly overcoming it, I think I may have a helpful perspective. Part of the reason I got emotional standing up to people is exactly because I was bottling up my emotions inside literally ALL the time. I rarely asked for what I wanted. I rarely told people when I had an issue with something they did that I didn't like. I was basically Mr. Nice Guy(tm). When I actually got into a situation where I felt like confrontation was the ONLY option, the built up pressure would explode and I would tear up, resulting in the rather incongruous body and facial language you seemingly experienced.

I am happy to say that recently, this has not been nearly as much of an issue. This is because I had a few self realizations and then practiced to overcome the self limiting beliefs that were bottling me up.

What were those self limiting beliefs?

  • That other's needs are more important than mine.
  • That I require approval from others to have worth.
  • That emotions are best left unexpressed.

    I am still working on overcoming these beliefs today, even though I have made huge strides. It's a process and it's hard work, but the payoff is worth it: Better friendships, easier time meeting and attracting the opposite sex, more comfortable work environment. It improved every area of my life.

    Here was my plan of attack:

  • Ask for what I want more often and ask directly without only hinting that I want that thing. People will respect you for knowing what you want and asking for it without couching it in subtle deceit to retain their approval. I wish I knew this sooner.
  • When people ask me for things, I no longer regard myself as a doormat and simply give give give with no benefit to myself. That only builds up resentment and lack. I started asking for concessions and trades. If I did something for someone, I made sure it benefited both of us, and not just the other person.
  • Took more risks. Risked asking girls out, risked talking to strangers, risked trying new activities and visiting new places

    There's more to cover here that I think could be of help, but this book by Dr. Robert Glover probably has all the info you need:
u/TheSocialUpgrader · 33 pointsr/socialskills

This is an awesome answer. I was told the SAME thing many years ago in high school - it still motivates me to this day (almost 20 years later). Since I've been researching social skills and developing myself since then, I'll add a few points:

  1. Growing yourself is the first step (do everything RodrLM outlined).

  2. Next is EXPRESSING those thoughts and feelings and opinions. You have to share what's inside you. Do you always get stuck with a sweater every Christmas? It's because no one knows what to get you... you don't reveal/self-disclose enough. Self-disclosure is critical to having a "personality."

  3. You may be doing steps 1 and 2 well, but if you lack good non-verbal skills, it may not matter. Non-verbal skills are more important than most people realize. The energy you put behind your words. Your movements. Your articulation and volume and inflection. All important - and luckily most non-verbal behaviors are relatively easy to improve!

    If you want more in-depth information about this topic, including exercises for improving, check out The Conversation Code. I know what you're going through, and I know exactly how to improve.
u/EntropyFighter · 36 pointsr/socialskills

Sounds like you have a value problem. If you knew your true worth, you wouldn't behave like this. Like, if you were made out of pure win, everything you did won, and you always had success... how would you approach it then?

Do that and don't apologize for it. Nobody else is.

Listen to this: Jim Rohn - Learn These Skills Or Have a Mediocre Life

Read this: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Ask questions about them here if you'd like. But you need to start by realizing your intrinsic value. Sounds like somebody else (likely in childhood) convinced you different and so now here we are.

You're not asking this because you're an introvert. You're asking this because you don't feel you have real value. Also, it's likely that contributes to your introverted tendencies. The book above will really help with this.

Also, it's not anxiety you have, it's more likely that it's embarrassment. You're embarrassed that somebody else will think poorly of you. That's because you're letting them determine your worth. Get a grip on your own value and that will help you more than anything.

u/selvarajah · 3 pointsr/socialskills

> I cannot fit in because I'm not going to lie to you to be polite.

You know who says things like this? Assholes.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but in taking a quick glance at some of your Reddit posts, you're not being impolite because you're lying. You're simply being unnecessarily rude. It's not about fitting in. There's a certain level of social awareness and tact in interpersonal relationships.

> I guess i don't care enough to do anything.

Therein lies the rub. If you don't care enough to do anything, why are you asking this question? Are you actually looking for advice? Or making a statement that you're happy disguising impoliteness as "truth telling"?

If you're actually looking for advice, start by reading up on social skills. How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great book to begin with.

Here's a great video from Ramit Sethi about "Being Honest without being a Jerk"

I hope this is useful and if you have more specific questions, I'm happy to help.

u/empatheticat · 2 pointsr/socialskills

You're not incapable of being active, and you're not incapable of getting A+ grades.

You sound a little bit like me, it sounds like things came really easy for you in school before, and it sounds like you might be stuck in a "fixed-mindset", meaning you believe that people are who they are - you believe that you are "smart" and so you're disappointed now that you're falling behind and things aren't like they used to be. The opposite, and healthier mindset to have, is a growth-mindset. That means you believe anyone can learn any skill if they put effort into it. You can apply this to being active as well - you're literally capable of doing it, and you should believe that you are. This is a good read that may help you Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

Everything that is worth anything takes effort, and it sounds like you're just going through a rough time at the moment. The least you can do is just try to ride it out, because things will get better and your attitude will change. Just don't do anything now that will severely hinder your future. Coast for a while, and you'll find your motivation again eventually.

u/Roxkis · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Models by Mark Manson

A great book on learning how to improve yourself to be attractive to yourself and others. It's geared towards men of course but I would recommend to ladies as well.

Manuscript Found in Accra by
Paulo Coelho

A friend let me borrow this book last week and it's incredible. This book may hold the secrets of life. So much wisdom covers the pages of this book.

u/KyrioIronblight · 2 pointsr/socialskills

I feel the need to mention this as I haven't seen anyone else say it

Models by Mark Manson is an excellent read

It's a two-fold book - it's both a male dating advice book as well as a self-improvement book. The beauty of the book is rather than taking an approach similar to The Game which is more about attraction tactics and methods, Models is all about attracting women through self improvement.

Edit: Typo

u/fusion_core · 3 pointsr/socialskills

I believe is this book "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" instead? I have read the "how to win friends and influence people" It is absolute amazing.

100% agree with you!

u/modelmonster · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Try reading Intimate Connections - It's an evidence-based approach to tackling loneliness and building better relationships. It will help you understand and tackle the underlying attitudes that are making it hard for to connect with others, perhaps enabling you to comprehend "this weird arrogant, entitled, envious, fearful, slothful, immature, shallow, foolish part of myself". is also a great place to look

I'd also encourage finding ways to regularly interact with others - is a good place to start as there are lots of free options that cater to a variety of interests and welcome anyone who wants to join.

u/mythriz · 1 pointr/socialskills

I was looking into a book about social skills years ago and ended up getting "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, because it seemed to be more "good-natured" and less manipulative compared to some other books (not sure if it's entirely true, just seemed that way when I was looking it up).

I'm not sure if that is what you are looking for though, it sounds like you want a book that "forcefully whips yourself into shape socially"!

In any case I never finished that book anyways because I got to a chapter where it said something like "you should care about the person you are talking to", and I realized that I in most cases don't really do even that, and got kind of discouraged. Strange thing is that I tried quickly looking through the book now, and I can't even find or remember what passage it was that I read. Should probably try reading the book again...

Edit: The link in the sidebar, "Improve Your Social Skills", looks interesting too.

u/1enigma1 · 3 pointsr/socialskills

If you're walking in opposite directions the general procedure would be:

  1. Make eye contact. This requires looking into her eyes at the Goldilocks point of neither too far away or too close. If you hit this and actually make eye contact (e.g. she doesn't ignore you or immediately look away without looking back) then move on to #2

  2. Smile. This too is a bit of an art as there are different types of smiles but suffice it to say it's a somewhat slowly developing smile that's sincere. For more on this I found Leil Lowndes explains it best.

  3. Ice breaker. Realistically this could be pretty much anything from "Hey" to a comment about her scarf, dog, or a warning that a bus is about to crash into her. You know small stuff.

    If you happen to be standing in line or walking in the same direction you can try starting from 3 then 1, 2 although she might be a bit bewildered as to why you are talking to her.

    From there it's pretty much just establishing rapport with the explicit goal of getting contact info so you can meet with her again when she's not so busy and if you don't get this you may never see her again. Keep in your mind of course that last bit since even if you feel that you made a fool of yourself she's likely not going to remember you past that day if you fail.

    PS To get some confidence/experience talking to strangers it might be helpful to get a job or volunteer for something that makes you exercise this skill. Working at a bar/restaurant, doing external calling for political or fundraising campaigns, or just joining a public speaking organization (e.g. Toastmasters) can help here.
u/TotallyNotanOfficer · 1 pointr/socialskills

To act yourself, you have to stop caring of what others think of you. A good quote on this is from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

A good thing I'd recommend for you to look at are two books, "What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People" and "The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution"". Both of these are listed in the /r/SocialSkills full list of resources. I hope they help you. Personally I've started reading the first book mentioned, and I've found it's pretty good at helping me identify different body language. That book is especially important for me - I have Aspergers, and have always had a hard time reading body language as I never naturally learned how to.

u/revisionedDOTnet · 6 pointsr/socialskills

This has to do with your internal framing of failure. Many people think failure is a bad thing, so they obsess over it or avoid situations that will challenge them and that will make them feel like a failure. In the book Mindset, Carol Dweck refers to this as the 'fixed' mindset. People in this mindset tend to think that all skills and abilities are 'natural born' and that nothing can be learned or built upon, and studies have shown that people with this mindset are often less successful than their couter-parts with the 'growth' mindset.

It's a great book, and I recommend reading it if you've got the chance.

In short, we all make mistakes from time to time - specifically in social situations, or in other situations as well. If you frame every interaction and challenge as an opportunity to learn, then failure becomes becomes an exciting preliminary element to growth, and you will obsess about it much less. Don't go into the situation hoping to fail, but rather understanding that not everything is supposed to turn out how you anticipated, and what you do with the outcome can provide a great opportunity to help you.

u/con_carne2 · 3 pointsr/socialskills

How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. It's basically an updated version of How To Win Friends and Influence People. Really helped me a lot.

Good luck!

u/merv243 · 8 pointsr/socialskills

Congratulations, you're an introvert.

Sorry if that sounded sarcastic, it's not. The most important thing you can do is accept that this is going to be a challenge for you, to some degree, probably for the rest of your life. But wait, there's hope! If you do this more often, you'll get more comfortable with it and it will be less effort.

Additionally, the better you get to know people that you force yourself to talk to, the easier it will be to talk to them. You'll also move past small talk into conversations that introverts are more comfortable with. So you could look at the initial discomfort and energy expenditure as an investment.

Knowing this about yourself is a big part of the battle - you just need to prepare for the fact that these situations are going to sap the energy out of you, and plan some time to recover on your own by doing whatever it is you like to do.

Right now I'm actually reading this. I'd recommend it for all introverts (and anyone, really). It's not a self-help book or anything, but it discusses the differences between introverts and extroverts and gets a little into how introverts can be effective at different things (work, relationships, etc).

u/lamelame · 5 pointsr/socialskills

It sounds like you could use some self-esteem. This book has great exercises for building self-esteem, and can also help you care a bit less about what other people think of you:

Hope this helps and that everything works out for you!

u/LEGOBRICK_LANDMINES · 2 pointsr/socialskills

If you are thinking about dating her, find someone else. Seriously. I don't believe in the "friendzone" but she clearly isn't interested, and you having a 2 year "crush" on her is a much higher investment that she has in you, and it will creep her out if you ask her out on a date.

However, on the plus side, the fact that you realise that you need help with social skills puts you ahead of a lot of other awkward highschoolers who may end up being frustrated with the world while at the same time refusing to change their ways.

Look into this book, its a great book on relationships and how to change yourself to be attractive, without the manipulative and fake "techinque" crap that a lot of relationship books are about:

Also, browse /r/seduction, be more of a filter than a sponge because there is a lot of bullshit in there. Don't buy into their evopsych, because most of the reasons why girls act some ways while guys act some other way is not because of evolution but because of culture.

Also, browse /r/mansformation. Its an excellent sub on changing your values and improving your "inner game" to become both more attractive and, in my opinion, a more likeable person.

u/RyanStankye · 3 pointsr/socialskills

Not OP but this book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition was a pretty sweet read. Really made me want to go into the world more and see how much of this stuff happens to myself. Also reads pretty decently.

u/zmorrisornot · 1 pointr/socialskills

I cannot stand the word 'loser' when describing someone. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, no matter who you are, who your parents are, where you're born, etc. Everyone has their own problems that need to be worked on

Do what you gotta do man, and you'll make it. Do the engineering for sure

> I will have to take remedial math and I feel I may be to dumb for it.

^ 100% read this book, it will change your whole attitude for this. My personal opinion is there's no such thing as being smart or dumb, but instead how much effort you put in

> I have no friends either.

^ Once you start studying there will be peeps there :) whenever you do something new you meet new people. You can make friends everywhere!

Good luck man, you've got massive potential!

u/calrobertlee_design · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Yup! They are super simple and useful. If you are interested in that book, I would definitely check out this book.

So far, it is my favorite book on social etiquette!

u/evilnumberlady · 10 pointsr/socialskills

Describing yourself as a "nice guy" is a red flag for me. What people mean when they say that often is significantly different than what I would mean when describing a legitimately kind person. You didn't go into too much detail so don't think I'm bashing you here personally, I wouldn't really know. Just think of this as general advice to step away from the "nice guy" mentality if you really have it.

I like this book a lot:

First, you have to be able to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Not doing so is a disservice to yourself and people around you. You can do this kindly. You are just showing the people in your life how you'd like to be treated. Pay attention to who respects this and focus more of your energies on them.

u/Kiddie_Brave · 1 pointr/socialskills

I suggest you also read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie.. this book has helped me a lot and I am sure it will have a positive influence on yours..

u/woodwindy · 1 pointr/socialskills

It’s called “How to Talk to Anyone” Written by Leil Lowndes. Here is a link on amazon

I just randomly grabbed it from the bookstore, and it was surprisingly helpful! I recommend just going down to your library or local bookstore to check out self help books because they actually helped me a lot. These books make you think too about how you carry yourself and make you aware of your bad habits, and how to turn them into good habits.
Hope this helps :)

u/napalmthechild · 29 pointsr/socialskills

Being in the work force for 10 years I can say I started out that way too. At 18 I joined the Marines and to be honest, as an introvert, its not the place to be if you're really quiet. No man's an island and if you are the type that isolates yourself then the other guys are going to try break you off real quick. I had plenty of people pick on me and vote me in for the shittiest details for my first 6 months.. all because I was a "nice guy" and couldn't assert myself. It ended when someone finally pushed me to my limits and I stood up for myself (and a bit of help from underaged drinking). That moment I realized for a socially awkward introvert to make it in a heavily social work setting you're going to have to make an effort to take control of your environment.

Now, I'm not defending your coworkers attitudes because they sound pretty childish, but if you're making the workplace uncomfortable in such a way by being closed off I can see why your coworkers would lash out at you. My simple strategy in new work places is this, put yourself out there the moment you step in the door. Are you greeting people in mornings? If not then you should because it's the quickest ice breaker. Don't just make a B line straight to your desk and be in your own world. I try to pick up on other people's interests and bullshit with people every now and then, it's fake and its exhausting but there isn't a way around it until you move up the ladder a bit more. But even then as a supervisor you still want to be someone who is approachable so others can ask you for help, which means you'll need to be able to relate and open up conversations.

There are dicks in every workplace so switching offices may or may not really be that beneficial. You can keep moving around to find something that completely suites your personality (which is nice for short term but I guarantee it will never be permanent) or you can become someone who owns their environment and make any social situation work out in their favor.

Also, this book helped me understand my own temperament more when it comes to social work settings as well as tips for dealing with an extroverted work environment.

u/CatsandDogsandKids · 6 pointsr/socialskills

he has two that I know of. I read the Small Talk Code. I'm currently reading You Can Be Funny and Make People Laugh. It's awesome. Super detailed.

u/katatonic0661 · 2 pointsr/socialskills

First of all, kudos for being considerate and even thinking about this. i agree with what inathrowfarfaraway_ said. Your apology was nice also, even if it doesn't completely redeem you for that person. It's hard to hold yourself back when you have something on the tip of your tongue - especially if that's your sense of humor.

I faced a bit of the same issue and what personally helped me was reading How to Be a Gentleman Revised and Expanded: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners (The GentleManners Series) & Essential Manners for Men 2nd Edition: What to Do, When to Do It, and Why

(I'm a woman, but why do manners have to be gendered) These books helped me think about why some of my jokes were of bad taste and made me feel more comfortable in public settings, socially. I started to recognize peoples reactions better, even if they were reactions to someone else's faux pas.

u/TobiAtkins · 1 pointr/socialskills

Oh and another thing that could help you become the best version of yourself is to study books on how to be more charismatic.

The Charisma Myth: Master the Art of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane is a great book.

u/balanced_goat · 9 pointsr/socialskills

I know it's a bit counterintuitive suggesting books for social skills (the solution is ultimately in doing rather than knowing),
but these books are accessible, credible, and practical - each one has exercises to practice and master: Charisma Myth
and Search Inside Yourself both helped me understand myself and how to relate to others. Hope they help you.

u/randomname41 · 2 pointsr/socialskills

This is a HUGE subject. Thousands of books have been written on it. Classes are given on it. Clubs exist to sharpen this skill. So, there are a lot of ways you can work on this.

Look into books/classes on Salesmanship. Sales is all about convincing people with your words (compare to marketing, which is more about using commercials, product placement, packaging, etc etc to convince people). Zig Ziglar is a famous salesman who has written a lot of books (I haven't read any though).

A great book I have read is Influence: The Psychology of Pursasion. Also look into more manipulative books on the subject like Machiavelli's "The Prince", and Robert Greene's "48 Laws of Power".

One big key with sales / persuasion, is you need to tailor your pitch to the person you are talking to. Even when addressing a large audience you still need to do this.

u/ouroboros87 · 5 pointsr/socialskills

Huh, only terrible people have answered you at this point. It seems it's up to me to treat you like an actual human being, with actual compassion! I know you didn't explicitly ask for advice, but I'll just write this out, and you'll consider it if you want.

  1. I don't want to assume anything, but did something make you "shut [yourself] off in [your] brain?" Why haven't you been "feeling [anything] for the past 25 years?" I see you say you tried counselling, but sometimes it can be tough to completely open up and tearing open past wounds. And even then, properly addressing them and moving on is a quite a feat. But if it means being able to be more comfortable with life and with yourself, then surely it would be worth it?

  2. Drastic change just won't happen quickly. I wish it weren't so, but that's the way it is. And when your expectations are too high, it's so easy to set yourself up for disappointment. Have you tried setting very simple, measurable social goals? As in, "have eye contact and smile with two strangers every day?" If you only see yourself as a failure, you'll see failure as your only possibility.
  3. Be kind to yourself. I know how difficult that is (really, I do, it's a daily struggle for me), but what use is to be so hard with yourself? It's only going to make you feel worse. I don't know if you know much about cognitive-behaviour therapy, but I think Feeling Good, by David Burns, could really help you put some perspective with your thinking. It's super cheap and an easy read, too, so there's not much risk to it!

    Okay I don't know if you'll read all this or if you'll find this at all helpful, but I just want to say that I'm convinced that no one is stuck in a situation they don't like, as inconceivable as that may be when you're the one stuck in it. We all have the possibility to make changes in our lives, and indeed we are the only ones to have control on our own lives. Don't forget that!
u/jcbneuner · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Highly recommend you give that book a shot. It's not just about picking up women, but how to be "Socially successful."

From what I read, it sounds like you worry an awful lot about what others think of you. What I think you don't seem to notice is that a lot of people like on TS, skype, etc. Then you are a pretty likable guy. That's not any different than people are going to perceive you in "real life." I put that in quotes because that is real life. Those are real people you are talking to and real people who respect you.

u/Washed_Up · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Everything you learned in your course is inside this book.

It's a pretty awesome book... it's mired in social psychology and actual research, which is an upgrade compared to the anecdotal approach of a lot of social psychology books.

u/Zepp_BR · 1 pointr/socialskills

A lot of people talk about Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people". I still need to give it a try.

Edit: amazon link

u/YouKhanDoIt · 2 pointsr/socialskills

There's a new book The Conversation Code that addresses many of the issues you mentioned, namely the best ways to add to your "conversation storage tank" so you always have more to say. How to have quicker, wittier responses, etc. It gets a little into the psychology of things too. Not a light read, but could be very helpful to you.

u/sh0rug0ru · 5 pointsr/socialskills

> I feel a sense of social pressure that I am supposed to play the game.

In what ways? It sounds like you are letting others act upon you rather than exercising your own agency.

> Also nobody has ever adequately explained how to escape the paradox of not
> caring that your basic human need for social interaction isn't being met.

Check out this classic work by Dr. David Burns. You have let go of your perceived need for social interaction and become self-content. You must fill the void left by lack of friends with something else, which is a well lived life. You don't need others to do this. How you peceive the situation and how you act are choices. This is the essence of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Once you let go of the need of others and improve your own situation and make your own life, you increase your attractive qualities, which bring people to you. If you cling to others and give up your own agency for social validation, you turn people off or worse invite predators who exploit your weakness.

u/UnusAmor · 13 pointsr/socialskills

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susain Cain. Highly recommended. Changed the way I felt about my self in a very positive way.

u/darktmplr · 2 pointsr/socialskills

And on that subject, this book is pretty universally acclaimed for CBT. I have a copy and it's definitely helped me out!

u/social-robot · 1 pointr/socialskills

> I second this book. It's amazing. The Conversation Code by Gregory Peart. More than 1000+ real life actionable examples. It is one of my favorite if not the top social skills book I have. There was nothing like it out on the market so he decided to write this book himself.


u/ExtremelyQualified · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Read “No More Mr Nice Guy”, by Rober Glover. Despite the name, it is not a redpill book. It is a book that cuts through all the shitty advice in the world and puts a fine point on what it means to be a confident person. I re-read it pretty often.

You should buy it because the author deserves every dollar for writing it, but if you’d like a preview, here’s a link:

u/chunknown · 2 pointsr/socialskills

I think OP refers to this label coined by Roger Robert Glover

edit not the bass player for Deep Purple

Glover's "nice guy"TM is a stereotypical archetype, a personification of a set of dysfunctional thought patterns and subsequent behaviors some males exhibit in modern (American) society. While I don't subscribe to his sociocultural analysis or his characterization of this behavior as a personality type, he makes some good points imo.

u/andrew343 · 3 pointsr/socialskills

Check out this book: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

I'm just like you. This book helped me a lot. If you don't want to spend money yet, you can always check out the author's blog. Or you can check out his old dating advice blogs with the wayback machine. There's more advice than anyone needs there, and it doesn't suck.

u/teaoverlord · 8 pointsr/socialskills

If you don't usually have a problem with the content, I think Models by Mark Manson is a decent book on the subject that avoids most of the typical PUA bullshit. This post has the book's main ideas. I think the book is a little too ready to declare universal truths about women, but it still has useful advice.

u/Fuck_Dacts · 1 pointr/socialskills

You are what you do. The more you put yourself out there the more you will learn. Have you read this?

I recently listened to the audio book and it helped me significantly. By reading people you are better equipped to understand the social situation you are in.

u/Raltie · 1 pointr/socialskills

Hey man, I did a video for you, i hope you can take a minute to watch it!

Here's the book I talked about in the video.

u/crassmix · 2 pointsr/socialskills

This book helped me a lot, it helped me understand interactions and how to keep them going. Needed this boost to help during conferences. Good Luck its not easy, specially for someone that hated small talk.

u/AXELBAWS · 1 pointr/socialskills

Yes it does!

The solution would be to start thinking of why failure is associated with fear, and why failure possible could be a bad thing? After all, how is one supposed to learn without ever doing misstakes?

Many does not realize that they have a mindset where they think that results are the same thing as their uttermost abilities. Naturally, this is completely wrong. Results is the same thing as your performance, in the moment.
So for example, doing bad in math does not mean that you are stupid, but rather that you haven't studied math enough etc...

One book that is tremendously helpful is Mindset, by Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck. You should really check it out, it has helped me a lot with becoming more confident in every aspect of my life.

u/Wupozo · 1 pointr/socialskills

Everything is creepy. Learn all about manners and perhaps girls and other people won't think you're a weirdo.

u/donjuannm · 1 pointr/socialskills

I suggest you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. The book gave me a new perspective on interactions between men and women. I didn't realize it but I had been sabotaging myself for a long time with women.
Amazon link.

u/Imbadz · 3 pointsr/socialskills

If that's what you think you are, I can suggest reading No more Mr.Nice Guy. It's the first thing that popped up in my mind as soon as I read the title of your post

u/evilweebeastie · 4 pointsr/socialskills

Read this book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

It won’t tell you how to talk but may give you a different perspective on yourself. I found it very insightful.

u/King_Saline_IV · 2 pointsr/socialskills

For argument's sake lets say you are right, that you are all of those self perceived negative qualities (though I doubt it) and you want to keep them quarantined. The thing is none of these Normal People are looking for those qualities from you. You are worried about others seeing your self perceived negative qualities. These Normal People are the opposite, they are very worried you will not see their self perceived positive qualities.

You are not helping them by protective them from your dullness. You are hurting them by depriving them of a chance to shine. You really want to protect them than take an interest in them, learn to really listen (my favourite from the sidebar). If it's been almost 30 years you may have to start by faking it, but don't worry that's really the first step to most skills.