(Part 2) Top products from r/stepparents

>I don't feel that "love" that you're supposed to give to a child.

You're a good person, and you're doing your best. Expecting yourself to feel unconditional love for a kid on par with a biological parent after 3 (stressful, hectic, full-time) weeks with your SD is a totally unrealistic benchmark to place on yourself. Let that go, first of all, and know that as long as you're doing parenty things like feeding and transportation and showing affection, that's enough. And if you never LOVE love your SD, but instead feel very fond of her in a vaguely parental way, or if you feel more like an auntie than a mother, or you feel sorta distant and can't relate but still try to be a good parent-- those are all totally acceptable forms of stepparenting, because there is no one "right" way to feel or be.

>Will this get any easier?

This will absolutely get easier, especially since the school year's just around the corner. Summers and breaks will be harder, but as she settles in, makes friends, and gets older, she'll become less dependent on adults for companionship.

>My SO thinks I don't want her around but it's not that, I just feel out of my element and dammit I want some me time.

This is a massive lifestyle change for everyone involved; your SO might want to rethink his traveling job so he can be at home with his kid more (and take some of the pressure off you). It's possible your pre-kid life is no longer tenable as-is, so be prepared to adapt and think of creative solutions that will help you keep your sanity. This is your life too, after all. If you and your SO expect your lives to continue normally, just with the addition of a full-time kiddo, you're gonna have a bad time.

>I feel so selfish for wanting to kick them out every time a weekend comes along just so I can recharge enough for the coming week's meltdowns.

Don't. Tell your SO "I need time alone to recharge" and don't feel a lick of guilt over it. You're an essential part of the picture. The family doesn't function without you. He needs to respect that and step up, just like you respect that he needs someone to take care of his daughter while he's at work and have stepped up.

Finally- even though your transition sounds rougher than most, I don't think you're feeling anything that any stepparent in this sub hasn't felt. Read up on being a stepmom (Stepmotherhood and Stepmonster are both great places to start) and you'll see just how very not alone you are in feeling all of this.

edited for formatting

We went through this recently - I had my baby a few weeks ago - and we told her when I was 12 weeks. SD was almost three when we told her and is now 3.5. We told BM first as a courtesy/heads up and then let her know once we told SD so she would be prepared. I highly recommend cluing in BM - it made the whole thing go so much easier and let BM know that we were considering her feelings and including her in the process, which led to some great dialog about concerns BM had about how to make sure SD was okay with the whole thing.

We had three “I’m a big sister” books on heavy rotation that SD still asks to read during bedtime. They were extremely helpful in getting her ready, and she had about six months to get used to the idea. We altered some of the words, like instead of “Mommy and Daddy say I’m special”, we would tack on my name or remove “mommy”. And we also altered the words to be relevant to our family - like one of them had a thing about painting the baby’s room, so we’d ask SD what color we painted our baby’s room. It’s not like she can read and doesn’t know the difference! We also explained that the baby would call me mommy. I don’t know if she totally gets how it works, but when she’s referring to the baby, she’ll say things like “baby says ‘mama I love you’” and just today told me I was a “good mommy”, so there’s that.

Kids her age are also veeeery into baby dolls and taking care of them, so my SD had quite a few baby dolls that we practiced with and talked about what was appropriate (gentle touches, kissing on the back of the head, etc.)


Links to the books we bought in order of favorite to least favorite (but we liked them all):

I’m a Big Sister by Joanna Cole https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061900621/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1pIoDb4WBPJMR

I Am a Big Sister by Caroline Jayne Church https://www.amazon.com/dp/0545688981/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_CqIoDbQ1GB7VB

Waiting for Baby by Rachel Fuller https://www.amazon.com/dp/1846432758/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_arIoDb9D1CCZ7

Ooh, I regret that I have but one upvote to give on this one. "Don't suddenly be the heavy if you typically have never handled discipline" should be obvious, but it's...not.

I keep recommending ahaparenting on here because I think it's great parenting advice but also because I think it's parenting advice that is uniquely well-suited to steps. No punishment! But, plenty of teaching -- good discipline involves teaching.

Early on in my relationship with my BF I said something like, 'I know kids are pretty annoying sometimes and as much as I love mine I'm pretty sure she's not some magical exception. And you are an in awkward spot because you're hanging out over here being a grown-up, but you're not her parent. If she is driving you nuts or doing something stupid, please, show her how to do it properly. It takes a little more time than just 'Jeez, milk everywhere! Get the paper towels!' to show her how to pour without spilling, but it takes a lot less time in the long run...'

I think stepparent-as-teacher (and 'saviour'!) is a wonderful position. Since he's never punished but will basically teach her until she behaves well, my daughter is really well-behaved for my BF. To the point where I've occasionally stood back and looked at how well things are working out for them, and wondered why I'm not better at taking my own advice...

Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family is not step-specific but an excellent read. (I also like ahaparenting.com a lot, again especially for stepparents too.)

Step wise, I'm sure you know about Stepmonster (on the side bar).

When it come to teaching kids/child development, I love Vygotsky. It's everywhere in all of my posts. He's the one that focuses on giving your kids the gift of confidence to help them learn and grow. If you're not yet set on a child development theorist, you can pick up a book like this for an introduction. If you have more of an idea of what you're looking for I'm happy to search deeper for you to help you find the right fit.

You sound like an amazing step dad! I think you should keep on keeping on.

Keep in mind that teenagerdom brings about interest in sex. So it is likely a weird thing for her to even consider loving you at this point. She's now trying to break away from her child self and grow into her adult self. Love and loving physical contact with parents starts to get weird, add in that you aren't her bio and... I'm sure you can imagine how mixed up that can make a person feel.

If you feel like you are both having a good time and she wants to hang out, keep doing it, having a bond with you will be good for her in the tumultuous teen years to come. If you feel like she maybe isn't as into it, keep offering with sincerity and don't let a no hurt your feelings. It has everything to do with being a teenager.

I would highly recommend reading Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated, as well as Queen Bees and Wannabes, 3rd Edition: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World, and for the boys Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World.

I'm sorry you're going through this; in a way, I've been there. My SS was given an iPad at a young age with no restrictions on it, which of course did not set him up for success in this area. I was the one who discovered some inappropriate googling (nothing too extreme, it was actually innocent in a way), so I texted DH, gave him the heads up, and added the child protection stuff myself. That was a year or two ago, and SS11 is just now going to be getting his Safari and YouTube back, but of course with child protection filter and a clear set of rules (no iPad in the bedroom, no headphones without permission). DH has also been good about having talks with him regarding internet safety, etc. BM is clearly uncomfortable with such conversations and generally does nothing.

I guess this isn't necessarily helpful since you are wanting to step away from this, but maybe talk to DH about adding the security stuff yourselves? Or you could perhaps ban the tech from your house until it is addressed?

We also bought my SS this book which I highly recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763644846

I feel like this comment is all over the place. Good luck!

I highly recommend a book called It's Not The Stork. It's mostly a book about where babies come from, but has a ton of great age appropriate information. In order to understand what happened she'll also need a basic grasp of the facts of life.

Towards the end of the book there's a chapter on Families. It talks about how families come in all shapes and sizes. It talks about adoptive parents, step-families, kids raised by grandparents, etc. This would be a great way to say "Just like us! SO isn't the man who gave me the sperm that made you, but he's your Dad just like these kids in the book"

I can recommend buying, reading and implementing these

The New Strong-Willed Child https://www.amazon.com/dp/141439134X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_aetSBbWSF5FX1

Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062403060/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_AftSBbMH5EADB

Kids behavior is a control mechanism to get what they want, and although every child is different, you can break down behaviors into one of four or five categories. These books help you understand their behavior better and give you effective, proven strategies to deal with it. All you have to do is not give up, not give in, and be consistent.

You’ve got to learn how to effectively discipline this little monster before it ruins all the kids childhoods.

I came here to cautiously recommend therapy. My recommendation caused strain on our relationship. It turns out guys don't want you to send constant emails about every therapist within 20 miles who sees kids... If they go to therapy and you're privy to the info, read up on the diagnosis to see how you can help them thrive! I'd also spend less time parenting and more time reading up on step/parenting. Terrible twos often bleed into the threes. Reading was incredibly therapeutic for me.

Stepmonster - popular here, I'm a fan
Single Girl's Guide - never read, well reviewed
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
The Whole-Brain Child
Subtle Art - best book ever

Umm right, this is total BS.

https://www.amazon.com/Kicko-Zoo-Animal-Rubber-Ring/dp/B07R6TC3BM/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=1CZZ5DG7WE2HU&keywords=rubber+rings+for+children&qid=1563918916&s=gateway&sprefix=rubber+rings+for+ch%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1

I suggest that just for the fun of it you send her 24 from Amazon.

All kinds of families by Marry Hoberman is a fun one.

Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships . I read this book last summer, so I can't pinpoint where in the book it talked about it, but I remember that there was a discussion about the importance of kids and the bioparent having alone time.

Based on the information that you've provided, there are two things that come to mind. One is that he may feel uncomfortable handling everything by himself and wants support when the kids are there. The other may be about not getting a chance to have his "me time." Between the kids, you, and people visiting often, it may be that he doesn't feel like he has the ability to do his own thing and/or have some space.

We dealt with something similar where BM would smother the SD's constantly when they were over there, so any time they came to our house they weren't used to not being taken care of constantly or having a cheerleader shadowing them all the time. Which meant any second they had to themselves to think, they immediately went to "I miss mommy". It was sooooo frustrating, and it took SO a long time talking to them about how it was perfectly ok for them to do their own thing sometimes. That they are getting older and as such will need to be able to soothe themselves out of discomfort. Their feelings are legit, they are allowed to have them, but we couldn't let them just wallow in misery the whole time. We'd also focus on positive things when they'd come over, like what their favourite part of their day was, what made them laugh, etc.

Maybe look into some books on feelings, missing the other parent, growing up. The Invisible String is a good one. SO spent a lot of time during the bedtime routine, which was usually when their anxiety and "I miss mom" was the worst. He's STILL doing the same routine now. Just letting the kids know the routine, know what to expect, and having that predictability really helped.

Stepmonster was great. I read half the damn book to FH. May I recommend some books for parents of preteens in general--may help you understand why she is the way she is.

Get out of my life!

Untangled

My personality type dictates that I have a really hard time sympathizing with people. I did a shit ass job of trying to understand my SD12's feelings for like three years. I also resented her and had too much anger directed at her instead of where it was supposed to go (myself for how I reacted to her). Finally all clicked for me a year ago and I read a lot of books to get me to that point (I was also against having children....until I met her!) Good luck and hang in there.