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u/jkgibson1125 · 5 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

After an affair trust just doesn't bounce back to the place it was before. It takes serious work on his part to even gain a bit of trust back after betrayal.

He has no expectation of privacy in the marriage at this point and this is due to his actions. You can't simply flip a switch and have trust for him again.

Here are a couple of books that really work together to give a roadmap to healing from this.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald


I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.


This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read.

Rebuilding the relationship requires that he be fully open and transparent. This means you get access to all email accounts, all messages, all social media, EVERYTHING.

Just FYI I am the WS in my marriage, and my wife has all of this, she chooses (after 4 years) to not look at my communications, but she still gets all the passwords and other stuff she needs in order to do this.

I do not get mad at her reading anything because I don't have secrets from her anymore. I learned that if I want to stay in a relationship with her I have to be open, truthful, and willing to do what it takes.

There is a saying that brings it crystal clear to me: People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I am really sorry you are at this point, but your husband doesn't get the fact that his infidelity pretty much destroyed any amount of trust, safety, and security that you once had. His job is to restore all of these things so you have trust, safety and security. His actions actually do the opposite of what you need.

u/chrislbraman · 1 pointr/survivinginfidelity

It sounds as if you become more compliant and pleasing, hoping love will fix everything. However, his character issues demand more than love in order to mature. Love is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies. And when two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough and becomes self-centered or controlling...

I highly suggest the book boundaries in Marriage. It help me to realize when I was being manipulated, what was acceptable and ultimately gave me my power back.

Good luck to you and PM me anytime.

u/newbeginnings1017 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

This is all too fresh for you right now, and when you genuinely love someone with all your heart it isn't possible to turn off those feelings easily. It is perfectly natural what you are going through, and you will get through this. Make sure you are talking to someone about what you're going through. Keeping all this bottled up is no good for you. Focus on yourself and making each day just a little better than the one before. Most importantly, make sure you are getting sleep, eating, and not keeping yourself holed up inside your place. Find your "why", your compelling reason to get up each day and take on the world. For example, my "why" was my son. Thinking of him gave me strength when I wanted to do nothing more than to quit. This will give you strength to get through the hard times that will be on the horizon.

Lastly, here are a few resources that I hope can help you. Best of luck, friend:

How to Get Over Break Ups and Betrayal

How to fix a broken heart

Breakups: How to free yourself from pain

Madea - Let Them Go

"Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Chump Lady

u/33saywhat33 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Sure. I'd have a sit-down and explain you allowed "rug sweeping" and in hindsight, that was a huge mistake. It just festered and is going to blow up unless we both deal it. Then suggest you both read a short book. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful This book is geared toward the wayward spouse. It simply lays out 15 steps of what the WS will have to do to restore the marriage. (Read the book before you give it to him. 2 hour read).

But you first need to explain to him how dour the situation really is. You feel nothing! Nothing is much, much worse than anger. He needs to genuinely grasp this. The marriage ship is not doing well. If he doesn't grasp that then it's time for real communication. Don't tolerate "can't we forgive and forget?" Yes, you can choose to forgive him. That doesn't mean you trust him.

And with you having no friends nearby, you will need help.

If you get through that book and are on same page of him being remorseful, you are on first base.

While you wait for the book, pls read my post on Forgiveness vs Trust.

Pls keep in touch. My bias is to heal marriages. It takes real work. I know some great books (not mine). PM me if you want. I'd love to hear you both got to 1st base (you agree with the book). Then I've got a fantastic 2nd book.

Let's get this marriage back on the right track. By this time next year you could have something very special. Yes, it takes that long.

PS Trust "Trust can't begin until a year or two from the last lie." If you are stuck on section of the book and need help with it, PM me. i.e. You get to ask anything you want about the affair. Anything. Who, What, When Where How. No more rug sweeping. This helps healing!

u/Kendallsan · 1 pointr/survivinginfidelity

I’m currently going through a near marriage-ending traumatic mess because I snooped in my husband’s computer.

Married nearly 17 years, together for 22. I never ever thought he could even consider breaking us up. It was so shocking to me.

I’m now going to therapy and working to get him to go with me to marriage counseling. Reading [this book](I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship helped me SO much.

The first thing I’d tell you is don’t do it.

The second thing is - you’re going to have to talk to him about this and find a way that you don’t need to snoop and he has his privacy.

In my case we have two weird and diametrically opposed needs/fears. He needs privacy to an extreme. I get how he got this way but to me “privacy” feels like secrets. I need security, and secrets threaten that. I get how I got this way, but to him the transparency I need for “security” is an invasion of his privacy. We are still working on how to make those work together. Not sure what the outcome will be but I won’t let this be over. We love each other too much for that.

Snooping is not going to help you feel better. Working together to understand each other’s needs and finding a way to feel like snooping is unnecessary is the path to happiness for both of you.

I wish you luck. It ain’t easy.

u/myfavor8throwaway · 9 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Two and a half years ago my wife confessed to me that she was "in love" with someone I thought was my friend, and had been fucking him for weeks.

I decided I wanted to fight for my relationship. Mostly, I couldn't stomach the idea of divorce without feeling like I really did everything I could. She more or less immediately agreed to stop contact with him, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to stay with me. We went to counseling together and individually, and dove into the practices from in an effort to rebuild our relationship.

It was the hardest, and most painful thing I've ever done. For two years we struggled. We'd be ok for a couple of months, then she would explode. Turns out she had a really hard time with her own needs and wants; even acknowledging them to herself was tough, never mind bringing them up to me. Meanwhile I suffered big time from Nice Guy syndrome, and the book No more mister nice guy made a huge difference. So did focusing on myself and picking up new, empowering hobbies. (martial arts)

Finally last June she blew up and left me to stay at a friend's house. After 2 years of this shit, I was ready for her to go... Ready to say goodbye to this relationship. I offered to trade off times at our apartment until we decided what to do. That separation lasted 3 weeks, and every time we traded off (twice a week) we would check in about how we felt. I called my family members and prepared them, that I was probably going to divorce in the next couple of weeks.

During this period of time I got more offers from women than I think I have in my entire life. It was a serious part of my decision, the fact that apparently I had access to unlimited pussy.

In the end she asked me to move back in together, and I decided to give it one last hopeless chance, but on strict conditions. Every week we would have a relationship talk together to see how we were doing. And if there was one more blowup, I would leave.

It was tough for a couple of weeks, but then it was like a light switch in my wife. In retrospect she says she just "decided" to have a more positive outlook. After a little fight (which I honestly thought would be the end), she came back with a totally different attitude. It was like she was done just letting shit happen to her, and she was ready to come to the table in making this relationship what we BOTH wanted.

We've been on a continuous upward momentum ever since then. We still meet every week to check in about our relationship, and it's just getting better and better. I'm happier than I've been perhaps my whole life, and she says the same. What's more, we are incredibly close to each other, having both come through hell for this relationship. We're back to being the "newlywed" couple at restaurants (we're going on 9 years married), and we communicate now like never before.

I'm very lucky, but dammit I worked and suffered enough to feel like I deserve it. We're extremely happy together, and planning our first child in a year and a half or so.

It IS possible to get through to the other side. But you have to overcome not only the pain of infidelity, but the issues that made that possible in the first place.

u/refman1 · 5 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

This is a pretty good list.

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non-defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
The last point includes these actions:
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
• Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
• This book pretty much started a revolution in the therapy industry on how they help those betrayed by adultery deal with it. She was one of the first using therapies based on PTSD recovery for those who have suffered infidelity.
• I will warn you that Not Just Friends, while a very good book, is full of triggers because of how she maps out how affairs begin. What I recommend is that if you find it triggering, that you put it down and then come back to it when you are in a better mental state.
• Finally you need to make sure that you take care of yourself.
• Force yourself to eat small meals, and if you can't do that then try meal replacement shakes.
• Drink water, maybe tea to keep you hydrated, and try to stay away from alcohol. It is a depressant and while it will help in the short term you need to watch out for the long term.
• Sleep. I know you are having issues with this. If you need try an over the counter pain reliever with a sleep aid or a better thing to do is to consult your doctor. Most of these contain generic benadryl which causes drowsiness.
• You need to have your wife and yourself go in and have a full STD panel done. Unfortunately in fantasy land waywards and APs rarely think about using protection.
• Finally, don't be too quick to enter couple's counseling. Too many marriage counselors are trained in such a way to work on relationship problems, and not infidelity. They end up doing more harm than good. If you have decided to go this route then please interview the counselor first to find out how they work with couples dealing with this. IF the counselor talks about relationship issues and unmet needs causing infidelity thank them and find another therapist.

u/drdiode · 18 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.

Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.

u/ZarBandit · 1 pointr/survivinginfidelity

I would strongly recommend getting all 3 of these. They pretty much cover everything you need to know.

Unfortunately as a BS you got blindsided with trauma that you likely don’t have the tools to heal from. Even if you can afford MC (which I’m doing), you should still read these.

Get them used and they’re pretty affordable. Get some highlighters and mark them up. Pick out sections to discuss with him.

  1. For your husband (I marked this up for my WS/wife) - it was a major point of new understanding for her.

    How to Help Your Spouse Heal From...

  2. Comprehensive guide to everything. A little long on the storytelling, but the information is fantastic.

    Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding...

  3. Forgiveness is a poor word for what lies ahead. There is not forgetting or rug sweeping. Even if you separate, you still need this book.

    How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

    I hope you can find your way out of this hell. Reply or PM me if there’s something on your mind and need some reassurance.
u/TheBraveChoice · 12 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Two years out and almost all of the ptsd symptoms have subsided. I still have occasional nightmares and emotional flooding. I still sometimes get anxiety when she works late.

There is an actual condition called “Post Infidelity Stress Disorder” and a book that purports to help:

PISD: The Six Stages

I found that self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-improvement all helped. Becoming the best version of myself has given me the courage. I lost weight, started lifting weights, went from couch to marathon in a year. I serve on the regular (shelters, food pantry, volunteer at my kids school, etc).

We ended up reconciling and I’m grateful for that, but before this happened she was my world. I was naive. I realize now that I am strong enough to be alone if that becomes necessary. There is incredible freedom in that.

I wish you peace.

u/DiscardedBeyond · 3 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Do not listen to what she says. Watch how she behaves. The suicide bit smacks of manipulation to me.

I'm jaded, but I would say that odds are you will never recover this relationship unless you are just willing to be abused and accept continued cheating. IT SUCKS! I tried to forgive, I tried to move forward, only to find out my wife became a better liar.

Making real changes in character is difficult. It's much easier for her to rationalize her behaviors and that will likely mean allowing herself to end up in the same position later. Only next time, she will have a dedicated email account, maybe a dedicated "burner" phone to access it, etc.

She wasn't actually your best friend. She was betraying you and then pretending to be your friend. She doesn't respect you. She may think she loves you, but is possibly damaged and not able to love in a normal way. She may be lacking in the ability to empathize with others. She is almost assuredly a selfish person. You yourself have probably been blinded by your love and not allowed yourself to see how selfish she is, but perhaps over the coming weeks you will start to think about this or that past experience, and how it demonstrates her selfish entitlement.

Good luck. I recommend this book:

1 - Set a time table in your mind for how long you will give her to start making MAJOR changes.

2 - Tell her to buy the above book and read it, then ask her to give you the book so that you can read it AFTER she does.

3 - Note how long it takes her to buy it, and then to read it.

4 - Read it yourself and note how much of the advice in the book she is already doing.

5 - Re-evaluate how much of the advice in the book she is doing at the end of your time table that you set in step 1 above.


If she won't buy and read the book, then that speaks much louder than verbal promises. If she reads it but won't follow through with the suggestions, then I strongly advise you to exit the marriage. If she reads it and earnestly tries, you may have something to salvage.

If you think it is salvageable, then I recommend getting professional help. The two of you will probably not be able to figure this out without some therapy from a trained professional.

u/Redblueyellowgreen2 · 4 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Read this book and This book together


The fact that he is resisting giving her up and they are still sharing time with each other even though it is causing you pain is concerning. How would he feel if the situations were reversed? What would his reaction be? Does he share or is he willing to share every single communication between the two of them with you? Like your SO, I'm positive mine never ventured into a PA, but he was on his way to an EA. Yours is in EA territory, too. Mine offered to cut contact but that wasn't practical given our social circle. Instead, he shows me every text & tells me about every call from her. I haven't told him I verify it against our phone records. Yes, he could be using messaging apps & social media for the contact, no I don't snoop on his phone or computer, but I honestly don't think she is the type to knowingly sneak like that. The communication they used to have was on the upswing, and he deleted the texts before I asked to see them (which is why I believe it was an EA for him and not a friendship) & is now any texts are few and far between and calls are nearly non-existent. SO & I worked on our communication and time spent together and things have improved for us.

u/pardonandon · 1 pointr/survivinginfidelity

Good and good luck. Even though I ultimately decided to leave my ex, there was a short book that helped her come to terms with the extent of the damage she'd done, because she just wasnt 'getting it'. Here is link to purchase the book, but it can be found online as a free .pdf. It can be read in a single sitting, consider reading it together. Again, good luck.

u/worthij · 1 pointr/survivinginfidelity

Hi there, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Can I go out on a limb and recommend a technique that will solve a multitude of issues going on here. Best of luck

u/drongogoi · 8 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

He had an affair. You need to go for marital counseling/therapy,. It will help, rather than brushing it under the carpet.

He needs to go No Contact. That's unconditional and should be forthcoming from him. He should be begging for a chance, doing whatever it takes. NC is the bare minimum. That he hasn't even done this is ridiculous.

She is not just a friend. You both should read this:

He needs to be able to draw boundaries, he is acting like an idiot wimp as if he owes her something and she has a say despite them both crossing a line, he's too afraid of putting his foot down. It's like entertaining her is more important than your marriage.

Either that or he's lying to you about the nature of their relationship. Why is he entertaining someone who's still continuing to look for attention, shouldn't he not be tolerating such behavior from anyone from the get go?

If she's desperately in need of a friend, there are many fish in the sea, for friends too. She can start off fresh, try someone new where she can behave as an actual friend rather than a person who doesn't respect boundaries and screws up someones marriage.

And that she was in a EA isn't she married, has her husband been told? If not it's a good idea to let him know, you would want that if the situation was reversed right, it's the right thing to do.

/As long as she doesn't get what she wants she will disappear/ don't buy into this bs, it's either he's a wimp who can't put his foot down for his own marriage or he's lying to you, minimising and they're still continuing at some level. This is about your marriage. It's needs to be active from his side about cutting off, not passive with the ball in her court.

u/Brandonification · 4 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I used a cheap Sony with a cheap external lavilier mic I hid it under the back seat because it was easy and this was my first attempt. I wasnt expecting anything. The audio wasn't great when the car was on the freeway because of external car noises. Next step was to remove the panel above the stereo and mount inside the dash. An external omnidirectional mic is necessary for good audio but will also pick up other sounds too so want to get it as close as possible.

I used Checkmate test This came with two tests but it the first test is positive... anyway, follow the instructions to the letter and you will be fine. Be patient don't rush the process. It's the same type of reagent used in rape kits so it works. Just in case I did use 4 controls in my group. I used a positive control I knew would react and 3 negative controls all using different materials.

Good luck, stay strong and remember, you may not like what you find.

u/8monthsthrowaway · 5 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Funny thing that, we aren't even married. He's just my SO and BabyDaddy.

But anyways, for example last night, after we were in bed, he told me that he was thinking about it when he was brushing his teeth and that he was thinking about when he was working in the garage and forming all these things he wanted to say to me. Or we will be driving and I'll be quiet and he will say something like "I'm so sorry I hurt you" out of the blue. It is rare, but it's starting to happen more. So when he says things like that, I say "thank you for telling me" or "thank you for apologizing".

He also will ask me, "are you feeling sad again?" When I'm quiet at home, to start the conversation. He can always tell when I'm unhappy and says that if I don't tell him what I'm thinking, then he can't help and problem solve.

He's also reading this book;

And I've asked him to read this article alone and with me several times:

u/Zaggner · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I believe that this book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful is one of the best books for the unfaithful to learn what it will take on their part to truly heal and fix the damage they have done. I believe every betrayed spouse needs to read this book and share it with the betrayer and let them know that this is what it will take to make reparations. Please read this book!

u/Organic2003 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

There is one very good short book that WILL explain to you and her the things necessary for a reconciliation. This is required reading for all infidelity.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

u/SlapNutsABingo · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

My wife and I are wishing you the best...

There are great marriage classes on YouTube also, for the both of you alone and together. Don’t be afraid to reach out to her, she may take a while to message back, but she has put their lives out there just for purposes like this. Make your husband read this when he starts the classes.

u/throwndown1000 · 8 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

> There were even times that I blamed her and put this on her for allowing to happen.

This is the one case, assuming everything you've said is correct, where I might agree with you.

Your wife encouraged / was OK with the encounter. What was she actually upset with?

Assuming this is similar to infidelity - and again, "with permission" I'm not sure that it IS infidelity, but if you want to know what to expect and how to help her:

Advice from "open relationship" couples might be more appropriate. The way your wife is reacting doesn't jive with you having permission.

u/newslcbeginnings · 1 pointr/survivinginfidelity

Trickle truth is what my wife did to me. It took 2 months, and me pretending to be her talking to the guy to get the full truth. Here is the book that helped me a lot.

u/el_victorino · 3 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

u/blockbuzz · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Thank you. I feel for your pain. Many on this sub have found great partners post breakup. >

u/Narc_Free_Yippee · 1 pointr/survivinginfidelity

There's a book about this that might help you, called "Splitting"

u/[deleted] · 5 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

This one. I didn't agree with all of it, but it's basically a book on how to think in a not-cycle way. I was in a cycle of anger towards him and myself, negatively thinking, and engaging in self-blame too.

Reading this was also helpful, it gave me some introspection into why people shift blame.

I am also currently working on this, it's been good so far.

u/phoenixrising8580 · 4 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I’m so sorry. You are right to feel sad and angry. I read a book that might help you too. I did leave my cheating spouse so I can’t offer advice on saving the marriage but I can tell you in my case the pain is still there. I think therapy would be a smarter route if you are staying in your marriage. I didn’t get therapy and I think it would have helped a lot.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

u/shazbot996 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity


Discovering my codependence. Changed everything for me. I was a doormat for 20 years.

u/Threnners · 3 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

There is a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" that I found helpful. When you find yourself thinking about them, visualize a stop sign and instead think something about them that grosses you out.

u/Houstongal33 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Sorry you're going through this.

Try these:

Cannot recommend ChumpLady enough. If you can , do both - read the book and check out her site (her archives have endless posts). She helps put a real perspective on the situation (infidelity) and the perpetrator (cheater).

u/charliegbravo · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Something that helped me was this book: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One.

Its a little cheesy / more touchy feely than I'm used to... but the main points are good - and have been brought up by my psychologist as well, so I trust it more.

The quick & dirty is: if you don't allow yourself to grieve fully, you'll be stuck in anger / anxiety for a long time. Sounds like by moving away you maybe avoided some feelings in the moment (can't blame you!) - you might need to process things more fully to get back to your normal self.

Give it a try. Audiobook was good for me. Audible gives you a free 1st book if you aren't a member.

Good luck!

u/Alanonacon · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

He says he has moved on, doesn’t miss her, and wants to just forget it even happened. Well, easy for him to say! When I made the comment that our marriage will never be what it used to be (in the beginning), he got upset.


This. He doesn't get to decide that. HE did this to you, it's not some personal embarassing thing he can just shrug off. It shook your relationship and your trust in him to its core.

It is a fact that your marriage will never be what it used to be!

Tell him that he needs to take responsibility!

Make him read the book

and do couples counselling. Tell him this rather than asking, and tell him that if he refuses to do anything differently, you can only assume that he hasn't changed, ie he's still lying and expecting to get away with minimal work while you deal with reality. Which isn't good enough, or indeed your problem to take care of.


I'm very sorry for what you're going through, rooting for you!

u/sweet-harriet · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

This particular book is called "Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing"

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing

It might or might not be the best book or resource out there - I really have no idea because I didn't research what was out there on the subject.