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Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

As someone who takes narcotics for pain, may I recommend Miralax? It dissolves in coffee easily and helps keep the constipation to a minimum.

Softer poop will be much easier to pass, talk to the docs about how much Miralax you need.

(I'm not a medical professional, please talk to an expert before taking new drugs!)

You're also going to need a bidet attachment for your toilet. That will help clean your butt without lots of painful wiping. I recommend this one, it's easy to install and use: "Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (blue and white)" https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00A0RHSJO/

Good luck with your butthole, OP, I hope you heal quickly. Remember that the embarrassment will fade, accidents happen :)

I also have waxy ears and use olive oil drops instead of the hydrogen peroxide stuff then after a few days use one of these https://www.amazon.co.uk/AcuLife-Ear-Wax-Removal-Syringe/dp/B000SOJXGA/. It's disgusting seeing all the wax come out in the sink but feels pretty amazing as well and it works great.

This gives me an amazing idea for a reality tv show (or a prank youtube video). Have a giant party and put some ground up Ambien in the punch bowl. Have a bunch of video cameras taping everything that happens. Since lots of drugs have increased effects when taken with alcohol - the outcome would be some of the best television we've ever seen. Though it might just turn into a giant sugar-free jello orgy at a Trump rally.

Another fun idea: buy this cook book and make some creamy cookies. Have a dinner party with you, your BF, your parents and their parents. Have everyone shove the cookies in their rectum. The next morning, email both sets of parents and say you accidentally had them rectally ingest the Semen cookies that you were going to send to /u/Warlizard and are extremely sorry for the mix up.

Ototek Loops FTW. I have moderate wax buildup and these are great for safely cleaning it out.

Squatting is a healthy way to shit.

I have sat your way, squatting on the rim, when I needed a little extra help getting the poo to slide. Works like a charm.

Amazon even has products to help.

Save yourself and get him one of These. It'll make a great stocking stuffer this year.

For the finger sucking: My four year old doesn't suck his fingers while he's wearing [Thum] (http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/thum-b-sucking/nail-biting-liquid/ID=prod922-product) . The only trick is consistency. If that turns out to be too weak, Mavala Stop has better [reviews on Amazon] (http://www.amazon.com/Mavala-Stop-Biting-Sucking-0-3-Fluid/dp/B0000YUXI0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413493717&sr=8-1&keywords=thum) but it sounds like it might be too strong in some cases.

In the future, maybe get a "door lock" like this? It seems like a good way to keep the uninvited from entering your space module.

Master Lock 265D Door Security... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I

For some reason, whenever I swim, I get crazy amounts of ear wax buildup over the next couple of days. I used one of those Japanese ear picks for a while, and it helped, but then I discovered this glorious device. Fill it with warm water, shoot it into your ear, and repeat. The first few sprays probably won't produce much, as it needs to soften up the wax a bit first, but then big chunks of wax start coming out of your ear and suddenly you can hear so much better. It's the most satisfying thing ever.

The photos in the Amazon reviews are disgusting, but they'll give you an idea of what will be coming out of your ears.

Nicely said. If you like this prose, the UK Amazon reviews of Veet for Men are right up your alley.

It is totally a thing! Just check out these awesome reviews !!

BAKblade 2.0 PLUS - Back Hair Removal and Body Shaver (DIY), Easy to Use Curved Handle for a Close, Pain-Free Shave Wet or Dry https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071JSSF8T/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Dbj.Bb45D89HM


You're welcome

You and /u/champdellight might also be interested in a more direct method too:

https://www.amazon.com/Ototek-Loop-Ear-Wax-Removal/dp/B008BXLINQ/ref=sr_1_17_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1521141518&sr=8-17&keywords=wax+removal+tool

I'd suggest using it carefully and results may vary depending on the size / shape of your ear, but I've found it works well so long as you're careful.

I'm pretty sure David Thorne is the one writing them. Also check out the reviews for Veet hair removal cream for men reviews.

I thought it was him when I read them and they reminded me of his style. Then I read this piece by him that actually mentions the hair removal bit.

Ok, now I'm curious. You can buy this shit on Amazon by the way...

https://www.amazon.com/Source-Sauce-Million-Scoville-Units/dp/B001BIXJG2

I use one of these types of bulb (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hand-Bulb-Ear-Syringes-85/dp/B000LX4L4M) to spray warm water into my ear once every 3 months or so and find it does the trick to remove the ear wax. If yours is particularly thick or compacted you can drop medical grade olive oil in your ears for a week before which softens it up making it easier to remove. Probably safer in the long run.

$19.61

Does not modify "their house" in any way. Allows you to beat the sin out of your love stump in peace and privacy.

https://www.amazon.com/Mini-Weapons-Mass-Destruction-Implements/dp/1556529538

Had this book as a kid. I bet OP would have loved this as a gift.

https://www.amazon.com/Albanese-Candy-Sugar-Assorted-5-pound/dp/B00DE4GWWY/ref=sr_1_4?crid=3AJ7YJ0LXPL3V&keywords=gummy+bears+sugar+free&qid=1568927296&s=gateway&sprefix=gummy+bears+s%2Caps%2C341&sr=8-4

​

The amazon reviews are interesting.

well you dont have to get that exact one there are others like this one

LOL, here's the toy that we bought him. The mouse is about 2 inches long. Yeah, he detached the mouse from the fishing line (which is made of metal). He's swallowed other stuff in the past, like hair-ties, zipties, and plastic, but has pooped it out. This time, it was causing him to vomit so we figured a trip to the vet would be in order.

Use this next time and see if he still laughs

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1556529538/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_GijFAbJS7HN59

Enjoy.

Like this: (Might not be entirely work safe. Depends how uptight they are about descriptions of putting hair remover on genitals)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Cream/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

Is it this mouse? with the metal string and it attaches with a fishing thing? My cat freaking LOVES this thing.

Get him a baKblade and he can do it himself...
BAKblade 2.0 PLUS - Back Hair Removal and Body Shaver (DIY), Easy to Use Curved Handle for a Close, Pain-Free Shave Wet or Dry https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071JSSF8T/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_JQl.Bb6QXMVQB

Ant traps: https://www.amazon.com/TERRO-T300B-2-Pack-Liquid-Baits/dp/B00E4GACB8

And for a friendly tip, if you have an ant problem, just store your snacks in plastic containers with lids that seal. Yeah, I've been there before.

A Healthy Alternative

I only had an issue once over 20 years ago, but back then I used one of these, https://www.amazon.com/Hand-Bulb-Ear-Syringes-oz/dp/B000LX4L4M, and warm water. It's essentially what the doc uses too.

ok so i googled this hot sauce. Is this it?
https://www.amazon.com/Source-Sauce-Million-Scoville-Units/dp/B001BIXJG2

well there is this cookbook...



http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Harvest-collection-semen-based-recipes/dp/1481227041

I use this: https://www.amazon.com/Acu-Life-Ear-Wax-Removal-Syringe/dp/B000SOJXGA/

works well for me.

this happened years ago and they still haven't gotten you an autographed copy of "Everyone Poops"? ;)

http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Turtleback-Library-Binding-Edition/dp/0613685725

You know, you could solve this problem rather fast with these.
Terro T300B 2-Pack Liquid Ant Baits

Next time go for Veet for Men instead. The Amazon reviews seem to suggest it should be fine for your needs.

I agree. We used this on our kid and he stopped. Available on [Amazon] (http://amzn.com/B0000YUXI0).

Something to add to your christmas list...
http://www.amazon.com/Drop-Stop-Original-Patented-Filler/dp/B00BYH6C1E

Never have to poop on the go? Come on. We're adults. Do we need to get this book for the people who are so afraid of bodily functions?

https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Harvest-collection-semen-based-recipes/dp/1481227041

Get yourself one of these. I used to flip the trashcan upside down before I got this.
http://www.amazon.com/Squatty-Potty-Ecco-Toilet-Stool/dp/B007BISCT0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1395124943&sr=8-2&keywords=squatty+potty

For you: Everyone Poops

For your new business

But wait, there's more

for realz.
https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00A0RHSJO/ref=sr_1_4?crid=1V0I2XNBQH5K4&keywords=lux+bidet+neo+120&qid=1571438229&sprefix=lux+b%2Caps%2C142&sr=8-4

that's what i have...life changing.

The only way to come clean about that

https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B00A0RHSJO/ref=sr_1_4?s=kitchen-bath&ie=UTF8&qid=1524602455&sr=1-4&keywords=bidet

http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Turtleback-Library-Binding-Edition/dp/0613685725

http://www.amazon.com/Drop-Stop-Original-Patented-Filler/dp/B00BYH6C1E/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUw8JeLVTPc

For future reference, these are incredibly effective. We just annihilated an entire colony that decided to raid our kitchen. It took 3-4 days, but there isn't an ant to be seen now.

very relevant

Nad's For Men Hair Removal Cream, 6.8 oz. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003JFJF5E/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_UNGaBb4BCD3D8

Maybe you should have bought a Drop Stop. Saw it on shark tank.

...

Reminds me of this

www.amazon.com/dp/1556529538

This is the one the pros use, auto shops and roadside assistance techs

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000JFJLP6/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484856498&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=clore+jump+starter

Reminds me of this hilariously unfortunate product review by A. Chappell. link here

this was the first thing that came to my mind

Obligatory

Although it's sold for men, you might consider VEET next time. Just read the reviews, particularlly A. Chappell's http://www.amazon.com/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

http://www.amazon.com/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_5?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1376271714&sr=1-5&keywords=veet

Read the customer reviews from A. Chappell. and Randy Amarus

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

This will change your life. Guaranteed. Just take 10 minutes to read this, PLEASE

An oldie but a goodie https://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Cream/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

sounds vaguely familiar.... http://www.amazon.com/ss/customer-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=?_encoding=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0

Thank me later

You might find this book useful.

https://www.amazon.com/Mini-Weapons-Mass-Destruction-Implements/dp/1556529538

Going to put this here Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes https://www.amazon.com/dp/1481227041/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_2vG9Ab2BKMYEE

You should try this stuff wife got it for my bait an tackle for vasectomy and tried it because nair crisps her lady parts to.Nads

> https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000JFJLP6/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484856498&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=clore+jump+starter

My 2000 Dakota ate batteries like they were fucking candy at Halloween. I could count on replacing it every three years. But, that was the only thing that ever went wrong in 15 years of ownership (and one heater core at 150,000 miles). Other than regular maintenance I had no expenses. Wish I hadn't upgraded.

I'll just leave this here:

Nad's Hair Removal Cream

Works wonders.

Try a ghost pepper salsa before you get into the extracts Try Jardines, or Mrs. Renfro's ghost pepper salsa before you try something like [The Source] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Source-Sauce-Million-Scoville/dp/B001BIXJG2)

Only use 1-2 drops of the source per large amount of food (like a whole pot of chili / crock-pot / 4 lbs of hamburger meat.) Some places will let you try a drop on a burger or a wing if they have it, but they make you sign a health waiver.

1. My username belongs in your username.
   
   
2. There are ways to make someone swallow without knowing https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Harvest-collection-semen-based-recipes/dp/1481227041 - great for when the mother in law visits!
   
   

You need a Squatty Potty! It helps get shit out. https://www.amazon.com/Squatty-Potty-Original-Bathroom-Toilet/dp/B007BISCT0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469586377&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=squatty+potty&psc=1

Friend.

You need to use this. I am not paid for this product endorsement. It just fucking works. No irritation, no nothing. Apply, wait 10 minutes, shower with a loofa, be hairless for like 2 weeks. Boom.

hence the name skull candy

Loop ear wax removal

There's all kinds of tools at the pharmacy for getting out stuff in your ear, the loop ear tool has a soft hook at the end and I have scratched my throat using to roughly that hurt for a couple weeks.

I had a girlfriend a few years ago that lost a ball from an earring inside her ear she ended up at the doctor because she couldn't hear. The doc pouring a liquid inside her ear and out rolled the ball.

A little piece of rubber I'm not so sure about

From someone else with waxy ass ears:

Hot shower, let some water flow in so everything softens up, then use a wax removal tool instead of a q-tip. These are designed to scoop out wax, q-tips basically just push it further down (which can cause an impaction, which isn't pleasant).

If things get bad, a warm saline rinse works wonders, use a syringe and preferably have someone else do it to you. It's really hard to do yourself.

Ok, so you run down to HomeDepot and buy yourself one of these.

> but /u/SomeDingus, I don't have a car/bike/driversLicense and may or may not be on house arrest!

Ok, so you head over to Amazon.com and buy it there, you lazy sack of shit.

boy, isn't it creepy to know someone has been in your place? I've had one break-in which I discovered after coming home from a party and yeah, you gotta wonder are they still here?

And then a maintenance man in the building I live in was coming in to my place in an apparent attempt to scare me in to moving out. Too cowardly to attack me personally but had zero issues with coming in to my apartment and leaving evidence behind that he was here. Bizarre and very scary.

edit, now I use a buddy bar - essentially this thing - when I'm at home, usually even during the day. It's prevented maintenance from coming into my place at least once when I was in the other room and didn't hear the guy knocking.