(Part 2) Top products from r/write

First, congratulations on having written something. Many of us end up thinking about ideas and never taking the time to get them down. My critique is rather heavy in tone, but I want to be clear: that doesn't mean your piece is without merit. Keep writing.
I think you can safely call the piece fiction.
Your grammar is generally fine. That's based on a quick read-through. Your best friend here is a copy of The Elements of Style.

"An" instead of "a" in the last sentence, paragraph six. That sentence is also a rather long, clunky fragment. I don't mind fragments, especially if they have a certain punch to them. This fragment does not. Avoid it and others like it.
The only other grammatical change I'd recommend is in paragraph five: "They would've to do..." While "would" and "have" do combine to make that contraction, it feels out of place with the infinitive "to do." Instead, try, "They'd have to do..."

It's difficult to critique something both unfinished and this brief. I will say that the opening is generic and uninteresting. It strikes that unpleasant balance of being unimaginative and over-reaching. Your idea, when you start writing about it, is more engaging. Would you consider shaving the first few paragraphs down to one or two? Alternatively, you could open with a very short (I'm talking 1-2 sentence) exposition on the technology.
I hope that is helpful.

Story by Robert McKee. This will show you The Matrix.

Story Grid by Shawn Coyne. This book will take your novel from vague concept to power-outline.

Also excellent is /r/Mistborn's lecture series, available for free on the Youtubes. It's aimed at fantasy and sci-fi writing but has plenty of relevance for any other genre.

I've had two successful self-pubbed novels with a third one coming soon and these are the resources that took me from scrub to author.

Since Shakespeare adaptations are in the Internet news today, might as well shamelessly plug my print book, Two Gentlemen of Lebowski — a fully-annotated, beautifully-illustrated, historically-accurate mashup of the Shakespearean canon with guess-which-movie. It is surprisingly educational—about Elizabethan times, a movie you thought you knew, and why my flair on this subreddit is "Offbeat or Quirky".

Praised by Entertainment Weekly, USA Today, The New Republic, GQ, The Wall Street Journal, The Guardian, The Toronto Star, The Atlantic, Metro, Back Stage, Broadway World and the Folger Shakespeare Library, not to mention Jeff Bridges. But that's just their opinions, man.

That library looks like the anti-panic room.

Also, I have to plug Dave McKean's Cages, he did all the sandman covers. They both did MirrorMask, too, along with the Henson company.

Another recent non-traditional is S by JJ Abrams and Doug Dorst. It takes the form of an old library book that was passed back and forth between two people making notes in the margins as they attempt to unravel the mystery of the author's identity. Comes complete with various prop items stuck between the pages of the book-postcards, photos, news clippings, etc.

This is my writing bible, for whatever its worth...

Book Title: Memories of the Dead

Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Phillip-Hall/e/B006SPO3JA/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

Book Pages (there's three of them):

http://www.amazon.com/Memories-of-the-Dead-ebook/dp/B006SLTXMG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328277100&sr=8-1

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/memories-of-the-dead-phillip-hall/1108117337?ean=2940013687004

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/memories-of-the-dead/18815860?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1

Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/philhall1969

Blog: http://crazyflipperfingers.blogspot.com/

Facebook "fan" page (made by me, so it's official): https://www.facebook.com/pages/Memories-of-the-Dead/318272974871094

Shelfari Page: http://www.shelfari.com/philliprhall

Goodreads Page: http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/7464768-phillip-hall

Hmmmm okay, let's try the Curiosity Quills Press indie catalogue on for size:

• The Stein & Candle Detective Agency, Vol. 1 by Michael Panush - a "zombie noir" urban fantasy detective series set in the 50's.
  
  
• Shadow of a Dead Star by Michael Shean - a dystopian cyberpunk detective story set in a near-future Seattle.
  
  
• The Zona by Nathan L. Yocum - a post-apocalyptic action-adventure set in a brutal, theocratic Arizona.
  
  
• The Last Condo Board of the Apocalypse by Nina Post - humorous urban fantasy involving fallen angels, demons, talking ferrets, and depraved condo bureaucracy.
  
  
• The Department of Magic by Rod Kierkegaard, Jr. - urban fantasy action-adventure involving two recruits of the selfsame mystical department of the US Federal Government.
  
  
• The God Particle by Rod Kierkegaard, Jr. - clever technothriller about the unfathomable consequences of the Higgs Boson-powered time displacement technology.
  
  
• Family Cursemas by Rod Kierkegaard, Jr. - holiday-themed murder-mystery with two disparate families trapped together by a snowstorm, with a killer among them.
  
  
• Worlds Burn Through by Vicki Keire - urban fantasy novella dealing with parallel worlds, shape-shifting enemies, and dark secrets hidden in the past.
  
  
• Shadowed Ground by Vicki Keire - sequel to Worlds Burn Through, continuing the story of the Chronicles of Nowhere series.
  
  Enjoy!

THE NY BOOK REVIEW SAYS...quit calling.

HOT VAMPS AND ZOMBIE PRESIDENTS...not included.

MULTIGENERATIONAL FAMILY SAGA...my ass.



The Valley of Fire, by Brett Cottrell.

When a rogue angel starts a polygamist cult in Utah, all Hell breaks loose.

http://www.amazon.com/Valley-Fire-Brett-Cottrell/dp/0615567479/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

http://brettcottrell.blogspot.com/