Reddit reviews Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self
We found 5 Reddit comments about Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Great product!
There were actually two that were key:
Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment - Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks was amazing. It truly showed what a happy, functional relationship looks like, and leads you on ways to get there in your current or next relationship. I found that before this, I could identify relationships that I felt were better than mine, but couldn’t exactly describe why. This helped tremendously.
Boundaries and Relationships - Charles Whitfield was quite literally a watershed moment for me. I got it electronically some time after filing and I was really searching for how to heal. I decided to crack it open on a 3-hour flight...and I could not put it down. Not because of its flowery language (there is none...it’s dry), but because it was so impactful. I learned that one of my crucial flaws at the time was having very soft boundaries. That basically means that I don’t draw the lines between people well when it comes to responsibility and accountability. I would routinely take on both tasks and stress from my ex, and she had no problem with that. So instead of roughly 50/50, on a good day it was 80/20...but that was a good day. The thing that almost brought me to tears was the quiz: once you get an introduction into the book, you have a quiz where you are given scenarios and choose how you typically respond. Then points are summed and you are described somewhere on the continuum of soft-to-rigid boundaries. I was extremely soft. But Moreno than this depiction, was the fact that even reading the first question brought so many situations and emotions to mind...so I jotted them down. And I kept writing. And writing. After pages, I moved on to question two...etc. it was extremely cathartic to the point that I was almost scaring myself with what I was able to recall and tie to these things.
Completely separately from this, I learned that I was married to a narcissist, which is the exact worst type I could have possibly been with.
TL; DR Two really amazing books shined a light on so many aspects that I needed to heal, and this was the best $30 I’ve ever spent
10/10 highly recommend
11/10 with rice
Oh, all the girls my ex husband cheated on me with started as friends. Always trust your instincts when female friends are concerned. Unless you're the type that's automatically jealous of any female interaction, your instincts will warn you when something is not right.
And something is definitely not right here. Your BF may genuinely have no present intention of cheating at all. But he has poor boundaries. And this means that there is a high likelihood that things may get out of hand some day. He's on a slippery slope and he may not even realize when things have crossed the line until he's in way too deep for his own good.
Now is the time for a serious talk about boundaries. No need for accusations or blame. But he does need to be open to the discussion and not dismissive or defensive.
Boundaries are the absolute key to fidelity. It's great to have opposite sex friends if you have good boundaries. Your BF has some work to do in that regard.
Highly recommend that you check out the following books:
Not Just Friends - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
Boundaries in Relationships - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155874259X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372344185&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
In case anyone ends up here looking for information on how boundaries work in a relationship, these books are very informative:
>statist concept of borders
Interpersonal boundaries 101
>sad to see how the sub has become this
There's a place for you, it's called /r/GoldandBlack
>freedom of movement
This wouldn't exist in a stateless society.
I think that is a good decision. If you have time, possibly read Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". You have probably read this before or come across someone talking about it. It is a good illustration about choice. The poem is somewhat ambiguous for the most part and seems to leave the reader up to their own interpretation. But Frost's intention is that after carefully reading it and re-reading you will realize that choice is choice. That sometimes one choice is not necessarily demonstrably better than another, despite how they may seem. That poem has very special meaning to me for a few reasons. First, my original inclination was that he meant the road less taken was obviously the better road. Spoiler, not the case. Second, because his more cleverly plaid out poem illustrates that sometimes it is not the choice that is important, but the journey. That whichever choice you make, you are still on a journey and consistently concentrating on regret is not a great recipe for success. (for reference: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/)
Now, on to tips for what you may do. Your dilemma seems very similar to that of introvert/extrovert relationships. In the sense that you don't need as much interaction as your partner does. I would suggest looking up tips relating to this phenomenom for introvert-extrovert pairings. Here is a link to get your started on ideas:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/05/15-ways-to-blossom-if-youre-in-an-introvert-extrovert-relationship/
Also, learning someone's love language and how to speak in it can make a massive improvement. It can help you maximize your time and interactions with those you love by learning to communicate effectively with them. Here is a link to learn more about that (caution the site has a bit of shameless self promotion, but it is very highly respected):
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Learning about how to recognize, set, communicate and respect boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are important, they help us define how we interact with ourselves, loved ones, and the world in general. Understanding our boundaries and properly communicating them to those around us can help reduce anxiety, social miscues, pointless arguments, etc. I particularly enjoyed the books by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is often written as more of a story / learning experience and uses many practical examples to illustrate the points being made.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Relationships-Knowing-Protecting-Enjoying/dp/155874259X
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995
Hopefully these suggestions can help get you started. I would also discuss these with your counselor and get his opinion/suggestions. See what he makes of all of this. Understand also that part of a therapist/counselor's job is to listen and get to know you. They need to establish a baseline, to learn to decipher what you are saying and not saying, to get a sense of your interaction with others, etc. So a lot of sessions are typically spent coaxing you to talk and open up more so they can become more informed about you specifically. After all, we are often very complex and yet simple at the same time. There is general advice that can typically be given, but you don't really need an expert for that. What you need is someone who can see and understand the complexity, and not just the first or second layers. And this individual has to do this in minimal time as you may only get a few visits from your insurance. But they are there to help you and they do want to see your best interests met, that is their job. So don't be shy to give them specific scenarios and occassionally ask for a specific opinion. They are more apt to give you specific advice more quickly for individual events or cases.