Reddit reviews Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

(Note: I'm a guy and a dude.) This hit me hard because it's exactly the point I've hit in the past couple weeks. I was dumped for legitimate reasons that I owned up to, repeatedly apologized for (without any hope of regaining the relationship), and felt awful about. After the relationship ended, I continued to throw love and support her way and ignored myself. With some other added statements and events, the breakup literally broke me.

And then I started learning, at first about my mental disorder (ADHD), and it explained some of why things happened. But that lead me to start reading and researching more and more - her diagnosed disorders (depression, anxiety, PTSD), along with half a dozen other things (e.g. social and facial cognition deficits in all of the above), but most importantly vulnerable narcissism.

Let me just say that holy shit, finding this website's signs of a vulnerable narcissist in particular kicked me right in the head - nearly everything listed, I experienced with her or witnessed in her. And then coming across this website about phrases narcissists use, I experienced some of them nearly word for word. The thing is that all of this massively factored into the things I did that caused the breakup.

Don't get me wrong, I still own my mistakes - my fuck ups never should've happened and I still feel shitty about them, but I'm also learning, growing, and healing from the WHY they happened.

I tried talking to her first about my shit and was met with: "I don't care, it shouldn't have happened. You should've just dealt with it" (some of my research wasn't published until two years ago, other stuff my mental health professionals weren't even aware of). Then I tried to even talk to her about how we fed into each other from our diagnosed disorders and she essentially said she wasn't in a place to discuss it with me (this is four months after our seven year relationship ended and roughly "a month" into her dating somebody new).

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt though, especially believing all the horrible trauma stories she told me. I even tried to write off against this published case study about major depressive disorder barely distinguishable from narcissistic personality disorder.

Then I reread her last emails to me. I have a crazy awesome memory especially when it comes to words and one thing she has done repeatedly over the years (since the very beginning) and again in those emails was challenge things she said or did, saying they didn't happen, I misunderstood, that I should've known otherwise, etc. So I started looking into books on healing from narcissistic abuse, and in the first one (I believe it's written by Shannon Thomas? I'll edit when I go find it - Edit: here's a link to the book) the intro talks about the importance of knowledge and learning about narcissism to the healing process, and one quote just drove the final nail in for me: "I wanted a soul mate, not a degree in psychology." That very morning, my psych med specialist had told me that she thinks I now know more about some of those disorders than she does.

The book (and other sources) also emphasized no contact and not giving pity to them - and finally that switch just flipped in me. I'm not completely okay, but I know I will be. I know I did wrong, and I'll be better about that in the future. I'm reclaiming my story and my reality, and I started with taking one of the things said that hurt me most and making it mine (translation of my username) to work on loving myself again.

The second thing I did? Reached out and apologized to friends I had pushed away during the relationship, including two that she denied ever being jealous of; the two who I "had nothing in common with. But if [I] wanted to go hang out with hot, younger girls, fine. See if [she] fucking cares." The same two who were long time friends and both in super long term relationships; I did go out that night, but it was the was the last night I did with them in the relationship - my ex didn't talk to me for two days after going out.

And I'm super thankful I reached out - after text catching up, we made plans to hang out this week. And I remembered that I do have a lot in common with them. I have plans with another friend next week. And this is the most hopeful about the future in years. Years.

I really did forget how much I actually like me - I'm not amazing and I have my faults, but I love completely, care too much about others, and try to stay positive. All in all, I forgot that I'm a pretty decent human being and an alright dude.

Edit: Added link to book and fixed a couple typos

I agree, it's an excellent book. It deals very comprehensively with the global trauma epidemic and is quite academic in style. The symptoms really just point to causes, that too often individuals, families, society, parents and the media wish to avoid or deny.

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Shannon Thomas' (social worker) discusses the concealed nature of narcissistic abuse in 'Healing from Hidden Abuse' (cover quote) :

‘Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse’.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Hidden-Abuse-Recovery-Psychological-ebook/dp/B01JR4ST9S

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Also check out:

Dr Judy Rosenberg's YouTube channel - Dr Judy WTF (What the Freud!) is rich resource for those wishing to understand and heal from narcissistic abuse. Dr Judy hosts a weekly online radio show. Check it out:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOJvZ0gxCu_G5ufZjsI3TCw/videos

Before healing can happen we firstly need to shine light on our wounds and understand their cause.

And her book: Be The Cause: Healing Human Disconnect - Dr Judy Rosenberg

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Be-Cause-Healing-Human-Disconnect/dp/1514793032

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POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse By Shahida Arabi.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324

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Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker is a book that helped me make sense of my past and its impact on me.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=complex+ptsd+walker&qid=1558114813&s=books&sr=1-1

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The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame also by Pete Walker

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tao-Fully-Feeling-Harvesting-Forgiveness-ebook/dp/B017I3NRRO/ref=pd_cp_351_3/262-3610686-0428419?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B017I3NRRO&pd_rd_r=eed98e8c-78cb-11e9-9794-6b186da2a7c7&pd_rd_w=NVyx0&pd_rd_wg=PxcGS&pf_rd_p=01704ebe-a86a-4b47-8c36-0f9f5bbc2882&pf_rd_r=2749HYE9SAVA0ZTDQQ5E&psc=1&refRID=2749HYE9SAVA0ZTDQQ5E

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Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor's Guide to Healing and Recovery.

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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Close-Encounters-Worst-Kind-Narcissistic/dp/1973915626/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=close+encounters+of+the+worst+kind&qid=1558114864&s=books&sr=1-1-catcorr

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Waking up from the trauma that is narcissistic abuse can feel lonely but there are literally millions of us! You're not alone. Happy healing. 😀

I haven't read it, but I've read articles that refer to it, and it seems to be impactful. It's called House of Mirrors? Also I just came across this book on Amazon too, and there are other suggested titles i think are worthy of exploring listed below it. Some light summer reading lol?

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Hidden-Abuse-Recovery-Psychological-ebook/dp/B01JR4ST9S/ref=pd_sim_351_5/140-6231168-9414410?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=6JGTWCREAG8ARAT7QA09

I was contemplating purchasing that last night actually but ended up going with Healing from Hidden Abuse, which is so far excellent.