Reddit reviews In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop

One on hand, I think the evaluating peoples morality by how they play video games is a tad silly, but on the other hand, there was a difference once the women were "de-individualized."

Another take on the anonymous female violence isn't so much danger roles, but fear of direct reprisal, which is why women have a reputation for indirect and diffused aggression.

I respect your consciousness on this issue, and the ability to recognize pettiness and rising above it. Not all people can do that, and they just go all the way with their hatred and jelousy.

Don't feel too bad though...besides societal influences, the issue of female on female agression (non physical) has been studied more deeply only recently, and it has been noted it is "instinctual".
A raw reaction to usually physically attractive women. It's like women are hardwired to see other pretty or thriving ladies as competition, so hostility arises (through the form of thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, etc.) It is NOT a conscious process, it comes from the subconscious making it harder to detect and assuage.


It is quite common in our gender no matter how much we insist on hiding this side of female interactions.

Again I congratulate you on recognizing the jelousy, and reflecting.

Let's hope more women read your post and learn to recognize that urge to judge and shun other people for petty reasons.

A few books on this issue:

Woman's Inhumanity to Woman

In the Company of Women

Mean Girls grown up

I understand your sentiment so so much, believe me.

We could discuss this issue of female on female hostility until we are blue in the face, but I have realized that it is such an instinctive or "automatic" behavior from some fellow ladies.

Believe it or not, it has been studied from different perspectives, anthropological, evolutionary and biological, etc.

I'm a woman myself, and let me tell you there are some amazing ladies out there and I'm glad they exist. However, I won't be one of the bunch who would say that "I have no idea" what you're talking about or that I have never seen women being vicious towards other women.

I have seen some cruel and remorseless behavior.. It makes me sad. No, you're not crazy or imagining things. Women, at times, do treat each other quite badly more often than not.

We cannot control how others treat other people, but we can become "aware" of the problem so we can make a conscious effort and treat our own gender with more dignity and empathy, or people in general for that matter.

Here a few books on the topic, it may not be the solution you were looking for but at least it provides explanations as to why our gender acts they way they do. It has helped to understand a lot, so much so that if I ever have a daughter, once she's old enough to understand, I'll advise her to read the books.

In the Company of Women

Woman's Inhumanity to Woman

For anyone wondering, this is actually supported by studies. To precedede this, I will state that regardless of the underlying reason for these differences, they still exists. Even in individuals, women have higher risk aversion, but particularly in groups, many studies have shown consistent and large differences in behavior to promote cohesion and avoid conflict. Even the rate of anxiety disorders is much higher, when taking into account obvious potential confounders.

Now, why is this so bad? Because this behavior was demonstrated when it came to a simple matter of ideas. Due to women having lower physical strength, and a gender advantage when it comes to the recognition and innate analysis of emotion, passive aggression was what evolved as their strategy: https://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-Indirect-Aggression-Among/dp/1585422231
and this is what is the tactic that is observed for group-regulation, they use passive aggressivism and ostracism to promote conformity.

I recall their being other threads on women and libertarian where at least one person has posited that there are less women who adhere to the ideology due to conformism, fear, not wanting to stand out and have controversial opinions.

In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop

> TL;DR friends stood me up

This quote stands out for me:

> I got engaged last fall to this wonderful man. I'm crazy about him, and he's my best friend.

Maybe your friends are acting socially (unconscious, not as individuals) to punish you?


"When we ask men who their best friend is, most will identify their wives. When women are asked the same question, they usually name other women." ~Opening sentence of In the company of Women: Indirect Agression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop http://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-Indirect-Aggression-Among/dp/1585422231

Why does it automatically have to be internalized misogyny? I am currently reading In the Company of Women, and the early chapters were heavily focused on the ways women mistreat each other in the work place. Some excerpts:

Page 1: "Without fail, in our twenty years of conducting conferences and workshops about gender differences in business, almost every participant we've encountered has acknowledged that women damage other women’s career aspirations.”

Page 3: “For her part, Susan, a health care executive and a leadership development consultant, found that after each leadership workshop she led, both male and female managers would quietly come up to her and admit something along the lines of: ‘All this leadership material is interesting, but my main problems are with the women who work with/for me.’ The men felt helpless about conflicts among their female employees, labeling these problems “catfights.’”

Page 5: As a result of our years of research, we can say that relationships among women often polarize at two extremes: either they’re truly wonderful or they’re quite terrible. There is little inbetween”
Also on Page 5: “The incontrovertible truth we found is that when women work together, they often experience conflict with one another – a phenomenon that is referred to most often by men as a ‘catfight.’”

Page 9: A quote by Barbra Streisand: “‘What I’ve done, going into a man’s world, was tough,’ she admitted. ‘You get attacked, but mostly by women. That’s the irony. I’ve found that women are the most competitive and vitriolic [people]. The worst reviews I’ve gotten were from women…When they’re out to get you. They’re out to get you.’”

Bolded for emphasis
Page 10: “ In our long quest for equality. Many women understandably don’t want to go down a path that implies that there’s a difference between men and women at work. In this postfeminist society we’d like to think we’re all the same—but we’re not. Due to our biological heritage and social learning, males and females actually grow up in distinct cultures.”

Also on Page 10: “ The problem of female – to – female conflict has never been addressed before, and without such external validation, it can feel as if you’re struggling with a personal failing rather than a cultural dynamic. But when we raise the subject in all-female groups, the women laugh (and groan) in recognition and are eager to embrace the issue. In mixed company however, the squirm factor is almost palpable. Females in the room seem shocked that we would even mention such a forbidden topic around men. They certainly don’t open up and share.”

I could quote insights and experiences from this book all day, but that’s already a ton of food for thought. I highly recommend checking the book out. Anyway, I just wanted to offer up the notion that maybe misogyny isn’t the impetus for this individual’s advice, but rather her personal experience.