Reddit reviews Living at the End of Life: A Hospice Nurse Addresses the Most Common Questions

My mother died on May 2. So far, I've found that the anticipatory grief (what you're going through has a name... somehow I found that a little reassuring) was far worse, or at least more debilitating, than the grief since she died. That's not to say the present hurt is weak; it's just far different than I'd expected.

So, here's the deal. There are no expectations you need to place on yourself. There are no rules. There is no really telling grief how it should be. Grief is a selfish, painful, intrusive beast that takes over parts of your brain and heart, your attention, your energy, your will. And grief is important. You are processing it, I promise you. And the only wrong way to deal with grief is to try to ignore it or suppress it; that'll only make it hurt more in the long run (that's my theory, anyway).

If I were you, and if it's possible, I would start (or maintain) communicating with her care team at least weekly - however often they see her. Your mom will probably (rightfully) need to give them permission to share with you. In my case, they were very correct in telling me when my mom was months, then weeks, then days, then hours away, even though I fought them on most of it (I suffered from some serious Daughter Denial, although I was convinced I was being logical at the time).

Your mother is suffering, but it sounds like she's found peace with this - something that may come and go for her. You are are suffering, too. Our parents' mortality is incredibly hard to come to terms with - it's the toughest thing I've ever faced. I hate that any of us go through this, and my heart really goes out to you.

I would ask if there's any way possible for you to go to your mom's, with or without your family, to be with her for a little while. A week maybe? This is a very strange and special time; I don't know how to say that without sounding weird or morbid, but my mom and I had conversations in those last months that will never leave me. They were beautiful and heartbreaking and hilarious and ... just extremely special.

There were some books that helped me: Living at the End of Life (both my mom and I read this), The End of Life Handbook, and Nearing the End. They're not particularly religious or metaphysical - really straight-forward reads, and very informative and helpful. I didn't read any of them cover to cover; I just picked chapters from the Table of Contents when I needed "advice" on a particular topic.

I don't know if this rambling is at all helpful to you, but if so, please feel free to PM me anytime. This sucks, it's awful, and the grief cannot be stopped. But there are moments in this where you will stumble across something very meaningful and special. It's weird.