Best death & grief books according to redditors
We found 2,941 Reddit comments discussing the best death & grief books. We ranked the 610 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
1. On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society
On Killing The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society
2. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life
Motivational poster that is perfect for classroomsHigh quality image, crisp and clearAllow your mind to wander to endless landscapes of possibilityDurable and long lasting design will allow for generations of minds to think differently and positively13.4 x 19 inches will provide your wall with an in...
3. An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
4. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying: The Spiritual Classic & International Bestseller: 25th Anniversary Edition
heartfelt wise practical inspiring stories.
5. As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl (P.S.)
As Nature Made Him The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl
6. Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back
8. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship
Ships from Vermont
10. DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition
11. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children
12. Ghost Rider
Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road [Paperback]Neil PeartNeil Peart, author of Ghost Rider
14. I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression
17. Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
Loving What Is Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
18. Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death
19. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life
I'm going to share an unfavorable opinion here. One of the "incarcerating" views he is referring to is death anxiety. Beyond the constraints of moral sexual behavior and other cultural norms, suicide is the ultimate taboo across all of humanity; e.g. "this life is precious, and death is to be avoided at all costs until necessary or unavoidable." Ernest Becker wrote a book about it, called The Denial of Death. Consequently, anyone who challenges the sanctity of life is warranted as having a mental illness or some sort of imbalance. This is hard-wired into our species because it allows us to procreate and prosper. Even in the realms of philosophy, it is often beaten down with accusations of solipsism and nihilism. Death is only glorified in our mythologies and on the battlefields. But when death is brought upon oneself, it's instantly cowardice... Before you pass judgment, realize there are many ancient traditions about "spiritual suicide." The most prominent that comes to mind is the practice of Sallekhana in Jainism (suicide by fasting). There are certainly psychiatric cases of severe depression that unfortunately end in suicide, however it is a mistake to assume that every suicide is the result of mental illness.
A few picture books you might read together -- Lifetimes, which gives a comforting non-religious perspective on the cycle of life and death; Goodbye Mousie, which features a boy about your son's age whose pet mouse has died; and Todd Parr's The Goodbye Book, which is about saying goodbye to a goldfish (from the perspective of another goldfish). Just keep reassuring him that he won't die for a VERY long time, and that death is what happens when animals and people get very old and sick -- it wouldn't be much fun to stay like that forever, so when they get too old and sick to be happy anymore, they stop being alive, just kind of run out of steam. (And hopefully it will be a while before he has to deal with death in a less ideal context...)
Since he's already been exposed to the idea of heaven from your mom, you can tell him that some people believe animals and people go to another world after they die; it makes some people happy to imagine that place and tell stories about it. You can say no one knows for sure what happens after we die, besides our bodies turning into Earth again, so it's okay for everyone to have their own ideas about those things. Personally I view heaven as a comforting story rather than a literal place -- and I think it wouldn't be confusing or a cop-out to describe it in those terms. You can also talk about how even after people and animals die, we keep remembering them, so they're always with us, in a way. The book Always and Forever does a good job illustrating that idea.
It's pretty normal for kids to be freaked out when they first encounter the idea of death; just keep validating his feelings and talking through them, and he'll probably work through it soon.
Not always. Antidepressants usually mess with serotonin and dopamine levels within the brain. Unfortunately, the exact dose to get these in correct proportions varies in each patient. As such, a excess or deficiency of these chemicals caused by the incorrect dosage of the medication can have the opposite of the desired effect.
Lithium is a very effective treatment for manic-depressive disorder. However, lithium can also become fatal at elevated dosages, and to find the correct dosage for desired results requires regular monitoring of lithium levels by the prescribing doctor in the initial stages of treatment.
Source: Kay Redfield Jameson "An Unquiet Mind: Memoirs of Moods and Madness"
On Killing goes into quite a bit of detail on this.
Except for the one guy that doesn't fear death and correctly sights his shots. That guy turns the battle.
It's actually been a big part of military training since WWII to get soldiers to overcome their natural resistance to killing. Figures from modern conflicts show a much more dangerous soldier than in Germany, Korea, or Vietnam. This is worth a read if the subject matters interests you. I read it as a new release and remarked on reddit at the time that it had major implications for America's Police services as it was an popular career choice after the military (and is armed), but I got downvoted to oblivion.
> It could have been a lie by the parents, wanting attention
From the Amazon listing:
> Told by the father, but often in Colton's own words
So, yeah. Definitely a possibility.
We all deal with our grief of loved ones in different ways.
My mom passed away in 2012. She had a wonderful and long life. I was 50 years old, working in IT doing SQL scripting and working on SQL and Windows Servers.
I felt I needed time away from work to process my grief, as I'd never really taken extended time off over my life except for holidays. So I decided to fill a few buckets while I was still young enough to do so. Like her, I have diabetes (Type 2) and watching her go through dialysis, develop dementia and eventually have to have a leg amputated shortly before having a stroke and go into a coma was difficult. Added stress from an asshole alcoholic step-dad didn't help as well.
So, after asking for (and not getting) a sabbatical from a job I'd had for 6 years...I decided to pull up roots from Seattle and move out east to be closer to my brother, wife and niece and nephew and be the cool uncle. I also traveled the country, finally driving through all 50 states. I indulged my photography bug and started flying drones. I finally drove through my 50th state (Alaska) back in November of 2015. I've driven about 300,000 miles since then and moved back to Seattle since I still love the area more than any other in the country now that I've seen most of it.
Partway through my journey, I realized what I was doing was very similar to what Neal Peart of Rush had done when his daughter and wife had died. I took a lot of back roads avoiding major highways and finding solace in seeing parts of the U.S. most people will never see. It's helped, however the loss never truly goes away.
Even though I'm finding it hard to find work again because of the gap in IT employment...I don't regret a moment of these last 4 years. I've been generous like my mom was, donating money and time to various things.
Here's some drone video from my Alaska trip.
Here's a time-lapse video of typical back-road driving I had done
I spent a lot of time indulging my love of cars and meeting great car-people
Edit: I'm going to add a link to Ghost Rider: Travels on a Healing Road by Neal Peart. Great read!
"On Sheep, Wolves, and Sheepdogs" by Lt. Dave Grossman. This may be too much to state, but to me this paper represents the "ethos" of the professional soldier within the Western societies.
I also highly recommend his other book "On Killing". As a civilian, and one who has not witnessed the terror of war, this is a read that is a must. I made a note to stop after each chapter in order to think, imagine, and reflect on what was written.
My deepest respect to those who fight the dirty, awful (& sometimes quiet) wars for us.
Read. The. Book. This article leaves a lot of things out, like the fact that once David's penis was lost, the parents sought out Dr. Money themselves. At the time, he was the most prominent sex psychologist in the country. He had a reputation, research $$, and lots of public exposure for his other work. Remember the year this happened. At that time, it was unthinkable for them to raise their child without his genitals, and not much was understood about the mappings of the brain. We didn't know that sex and gender are determined in the womb by the hormones were are exposed to. At that time, consulting this professional was, to David's parents, the best option. All they wanted to do was help him. Of course, it backfired, because this guy was a power-hungry psycho (among other things) and couldn't see the evidence that the transition was not working. The parents saw a bad change in David, but they blindly followed this man because he was a Doctor. A professional. They had no reason to suspect this wouldn't work because, well, they didn't know any better at the time. They placed their trust in this man, and he failed horribly.
The parents would drive across the country for these treatments, despite David, at one point, threatening to kill himself if they went back. They would bribe him with trips to Disney to get him to go. I know Dr. Money is made out to be the villain here, but a lot of blame needs to be moved to the parents for their ignorance and blind optimism, and for not accepting that the treatments weren't fucking working.
This is an exceptional case that needs more attention than the Wikipedia article gives it. Here is a link to the book. It provides so much more than this wimpy article.
Clearly you don't trust random people on the internet. here is a well sourced and respected book if you would like to know more. https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
Thank you for trying to understand. I'm glad you got something out of it. More than anything I hope that more people begin to understand just how difficult it is to live with manic-depression or chronic depression. It is absolutely not something you just "get over". You're stuck with it for life.
A year or so ago I read a book called An Unquiet Mind. It is a memoir by a clinical psychologist named Kay Jameson who has struggled with bipolar disorder all of her life, and the memoir is one of the things that has helped me understand what my brother was going through. I highly recommend it.
Great book on this called "On Killing - the Psychological Costs of Learning to Kill in War and Society
On Killing - Amazon UK
It explores killing in war through history and the effects, largely linked to proximity of the kill, had detrimental effects on the killer.
Some notable facts about the book that I can remember after reading it 10 years ago:
Knife/Bayonett kills, though exceptionally rare in more recent wars, had the most devastating effects. Soldiers cited as feeling a man's last breath had a big hurdle to climb.
American soldiers in WWII were exceptionally bad shots, especially when shooting Germans. Turns out most Americans didn't want to kill people, even during the heroic march to victory. All-time terrible percentage of shooting.
War attracts psychopaths and make up something like 5% of combatants who are out to kill and not the norm.
If you are interested in this topic I highly recommend the book. Things I read have stayed with me and it never surprises me how much this topic comes up in conversation.
You should read "On Killing".
In a lot of ways, you kinda do need "propaganda", or things like it, to REALLY get someone to hate another person they've never met, to the point of wanting to kill them, especially on a battlefield. Most people in battles aren't filled with rage, they're filled with a a shitload of fear butting up against lot of training designed to try and counteract it.
There've been studies and books written by people on the subject. The military as a whole puts a pretty big emphasis on being able to actually kill your enemy when it comes down to it.
Texts and Reference Books
Days in the Lives of Social Workers
Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide
Racial and Ethnic Groups
Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording
Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond
[Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life]
Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model
[The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis]
Helping Abused and Traumatized Children
Essential Research Methods for Social Work
Navigating Human Service Organizations
Privilege: A Reader
Play Therapy with Children in Crisis
The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives
The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner
Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood
Social Work with Older Adults
The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services
[Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice]
Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy
Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change
Ethnicity and Family Therapy
Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach
Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents
DBT Skills Manual
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets
Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need
[A People’s History of the United States]
The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Tuesdays with Morrie
The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university
The Quiet Room
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
Flowers for Algernon
Of Mice and Men
A Child Called It
Go Ask Alice
Under the Udala Trees
It's Kind of a Funny Story
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Yellow Wallpaper
The Bell Jar
To Kill a Mockingbird
Book it's referencing.
Have you ever read as nature made him?
It's the story of a young boy who was raised as a girl because his genitalia was lost within the first couple of months and they replaced it with female genitalia. He never knew that he was really a boy, but he felt it.
Actually, I think you've got it a bit mixed up. Soldiers in Korea and WW2 statistically were pretty likely to fire over the enemies' head. The military remedied this by making rifle training in later wars training in firing your weapon as a quick reflex rather than solely an exercise in accuracy and discernment.
At least that's how it was explained to me by a professor, who cited Dave Grossman's 'On Killing', which I haven't read yet. However, the description seems to agree:
Drawing on interviews, published personal accounts and academic studies, Grossman investigates the psychology of killing in combat. Stressing that human beings have a powerful, innate resistance to the taking of life, he examines the techniques developed by the military to overcome that aversion. His provocative study focuses in particular on the Vietnam war, revealing how the American soldier was "enabled to kill to a far greater degree than any other soldier in history." Grossman argues that the breakdown of American society, combined with the pervasive violence in the media and interactive video games, is conditioning our children to kill in a manner similar to the army's conditioning of soldiers: "We are reaching that stage of desensitization at which the infliction of pain and suffering has become a source of entertainment: vicarious pleasure rather than revulsion. We are learning to kill, and we are learning to like it." Grossman, a professor of military science at Arkansas State University, has written a study of relevance to a society of escalating violence.
That section on Video games makes my stomach turn, but I can't judge til I've read it.
>My paper has nothing to do with section 8 or chapter 8.
That's good. Please don't try to claim to know about either.
>PTSD is heavily linked to batshit crazy. But I do know the difference.
No. No. It's not. PTSD is the human psyche's response to an unnatural situation. It's a coping mechanism. It is 180* from batshit crazy. Please - if you are going to write this paper? Get some good sources... On Killing is a good place to start and then you can google your local county's vet rep (usually unemployment offices in the county will have one) and then? Get you head out of you ass.
>No, I have not "served", but I have enlisted. So officially, I am in the military. Or air force, if you will.
OMG. PLEASE go tell someone serving that you made it through MEPS so you're in the military. Please tell someone from another branch - or shit - go talk to another recruiter from another branch - and tell them you're "in the military" because you processed for the Air Force.
You do know that untill you're at basic that there isn't anything anyone can do to you, right? You may be a DEP but that is just a piece of paper and a promise to your recruiter. No one is going to show up if you don't go into your little admin job for the Air Force in a couple of months.... but - good on ya! I'm so proud that some little college kid thinks he's special because he signed a piece of paper and now he's "in the military." LOL
>My paper will have nothing to do with my experience.
That's good. Because you don't have any but apparently you think that anyone with PTSD is batshit crazy? Hmmm... are you a little biased? Wow. You will have some fun with your Top 3.
>Its solely based on my research and veterans testimony's.
"veteran testimony" is what you meant to type. You need to read some real world resources and not think PTSD is a mental disease. It's a normal response to an abnormal situation. Until you understand that? I can't help you
Thanks for thinking you're in the military and you can "speak for us".... SMH....
It's really just training overall. I have never shot an enemy at close range, but I did listen to one of my friends describe it. We had been doing glass houses over and over and over and over. He went in a room with a team, shot a guy in the face, the team leader called the room clear, and they made it through the rest of the building before he said it really hit him that he had just shot someone else at point blank. Everything else was primal instinct combined with muscle memory.
Fascinating read on this topic.
EDIT: glass houses are a way to train clearing buildings room by room.
I mean, yes because no one here can predict the future or how you'll turn out. Dr. Kay Jamison wrote a best selling book, An Unquiet Mind, about being a clinical psychologist with Bipolar I Disorder, so obviously it can be done. However, your mental health and experience is different from hers and I'd recommend stabilizing the condition first, especially given the treatment resistance and its effect on your previous graduate studies. Are you engaged in CBT, ACT, or some other evidence-based practice for depression? It sounds like your doc is a psychiatrist or prescriber primarily. While a mood stabilizer is the first line treatment to stabilize mania, a Bipolar I depressive episode usually requires talk therapy as the primary treatment due to the risk of many SSRIs inducing a manic episode.
Edit: she's a clinical psychologist, not psychiatrist. My bad.
Yes, from that shitty post which gets a laugh at the expense of gender-sex variant individuals, I am assuming that he has not imagined it. If he had actually imagined what it would be like, for example, to have been "Born a male. Bad circumcision. Raised female" then he might understand how painful it is to be lumped in with a "household pet that walked across the keyboard."
In that particular case of a botched circumcision, one doesn't need to imagine since there is a detailed biography of such a person. "As Nature Made Him" is the tragic story of David Reimer, and how he was driven to insanity and suicide by the doctor who tried to raise him as female after a botched circumcision. While it might be funny for a "simple gay man," this kind of social humiliation drives some people to their deaths.
Seeing it happen here, where people should know better, is especially sad.
Can you talk to a therapist?
Also, look into Feeling Good by David Burns. It woke me up to my destructive thoughts and taught me how to redirect my negative thoughts.
Here's a link: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ref=tmm_pap_title_0
Amazon has the best rating system I've used. It has reviews with scores. It also then lets other people vote on each review. Finally it shows you the best scoring good and bad review. You can also filter reviews by the rating they gave.
Take the reviews for Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back as an example. it is very controversial (it is about a boy who nearly died and then claimed to have visited heaven).
On any website with traditional voting methods (including reddit), there would be no way to get a variety of views on the book. On reddit, favourable reviews would be downvoted while critical reviews would be upvoted, leaving only the critical reviews visible. On amazon however you can see the best favourable and critical reviews, and also browse by start rating. You can easily read many reviews from different perspectives.
This solves the problem described in the comic, as while it would still have a good score, the second review you would read would be "it doesn't work". I just don't know why more sites don't use this system.
The reality is that most humans do not want to seriously harm other humans. If you learn to throw an effective punch it absolutely could result in a serious or fatal injury. And when it comes to harming and killing a person, the physical distance from the target is a huge factor. Killing someone in hand to hand combat or from a very close distance is sometimes referred to as "sexual range" and is the most traumatic to the person doing the killing. Thus the reason PTSD is less frequent in soldiers that were snipers or that participated in carpet bombing.
Edit: This book is a good place to learn more about this topic.
John Money was a piss poor scientist, he swept his findings so far under the rug that he literally ignored the fact that the application of his theories literally caused suicides (such as the one detailed in the non-fiction novel "As Nature Made Him" so we don't generally take him seriously anymore...
So to recap, you were miserable --> moved 2,000 miles --> still miserable.
The problem is with you. Someone suggested counselling and that's a great idea.
See if this book resonates with you...
I'm so sorry about your loss, I can't imagine what you're dealing with right now... I hope this helps.
Neil Peart's Travel Journal 'Ghost Rider' on Amazon:
>In less than a year, Neil Peart lost both his 19-year-old daughter, Selena, and his wife, Jackie. Faced with overwhelming sadness and isolated from the world in his home on the lake, Peart was left without direction. This memoir tells of the sense of loss and directionlessness that led him on a 55,000-mile journey by motorcycle across much of North America, down through Mexico to Belize, and back again.
"life is suffering" is a pretty poor translation. The four noble truths are mentioned in several suttas - the Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta probably being the most famous.
The first noble truth more literally translates as "there is dukkha" - "dukkha" in this case being the term for a chariot wheel that was out of alignment causing an uncomfortable, bumpy, unsatisfactory ride. What the Buddha was essentially trying to say is that worldly existence is predicated upon dissatisfaction and suffering. The goal was to find release (escape if you will) from the cycle of birth and death (samsara) that the prevailing Vedic spiritualties of the time taught. The second, third and fourth noble truths tell us that there is a way to do this. The eightfold path is the Buddha's prescription for doing this.
If you are interested in Buddhism from a more secular or atheistic viewpoint, Stephen Bachelor's Buddhism without Beliefs may appeal to you. Be aware though that it does skip some of the central tenets of Buddhism and verges on not really being Buddhism at all.
The other way to approach the path while avoiding the metaphysics is to focus on the mindfulness and compassion practices. With that in mind, John Kabbat Zinn's Wherever you go there you are is a worthwhile read.
You might also try the books of Pema Chodron. She has a no bullshit way of bringing Buddhism to bear on real life.
>This was a turning point for me, because I realized how ridiculous it was. From that point on, I started to watch for triggers, and I started to feel for the begging stages of the attacks. If something triggered an attack, I would immediately start thinking, sometimes talking outloud to myself about how I knew a panic attack was starting. As the adrenaline would kick in, I would say things like "ok, here we go...stay calm, stay calm, it's just your mind messing with you, everything will be ok, breathe...breath."
IANAP, but it sounds like you stumbled upon - by yourself - one of the core assumptions of Cognitive Behavior theory.
If I recall correctly, one of the ideas in Dr. Burns' book on the subject - is to log the troubling thoughts ... and then analyze them through a number of cognitive "filters" we all tend to apply. For example, when depression is at its strongest ... people start to convince them that the rest of their lives will be that way. But, it's a ridiculous assumption - because often our lives (up until the depression) were not bad... so why would we automatically assume that every day for the rest of our lives will be bad? It makes no logical sense. Cognitive Behavior therapy teaches you to catch the tricks your mind plays on itself in this way, and start to defuse them. Eventually, you train your brain to immediately defuse them almost as soon as they occur.
Sounds like you were sort of doing that, but via verbalizing it instead. Whatever works. Glad you've recovered...
Here are my 5 best ways to beat anxiety and depression.
1.) Get this book. It's a classic self-help book that's scientifically proven to beat depression. It's the #1 self-help book recommended by doctors in the United States. You can get it for free at your local library
2.) Meditate. Download the free "Insight Timer" meditation app or do YouTube ocean sounds while wearing headphones. It rewires your brain after 6 weeks.
3.) Live in the present moment. When your mind wanders on anxious thoughts, bring it back to the present moment. Over and over again.
4.) Pray and practice a religion. This will benefit you greatly. Start going to religious services.
5.) Exercise 5 days a week. Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes at a time. Something where you build up a sweat.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Lesbian/Queer main characters:
Batwoman - She's a lesbian and her romantic relationships play a fairly important role in the series. Her villains are a bit B-list but they're enjoyable reads never the less. Some controversy over DC's decision to prohibit her "happiness" and troubles with the talented creative staff that are worth investigating beforehand but it's worth noting that these issues do not effect the trade paperbacks 1-3. Don't make my mistake and accidentally buy Batgirl comics and wonder when she's supposed to start kissing ladies.
Lumberjanes - The trade paperback is supposed to come out some time next year but individual issues are currently being published. All ages comic that portrays a scout type group at a summer camp full of monsters. I'm not personally reading it but I've heard nothing but good things.
Funhome - A proper "graphic novel." An unbelievably intelligent and nuanced perspective on gender and sexuality. Bechdel compares her coming out process against her late father's closeted homosexuality to draw an intimate but calculated portrait of American sexuality and family.
Lesbian/Queer minor characters:
Saga - Holy shit, I can't recommend this enough. So utterly fantastic that words fail me. I buy this for everyone I know who's even faintly interested in comics.
The Walking Dead - The queer characters don't show up for a long while but this is the series the very popular TV show is based on. It's a little "Drama-y" for me but my girlfriend's dad gobbles them up like there's no tomorrow.
Not queer but awesome:
Chew - A world where poultry is outlawed and people have superpowers only related to food. My mom called it "kind of weird" which it is. I can't get enough.
Revival - The dead come to life but they're mostly just cranky, okay, sometimes murderous, but not that often. Strong female protagonists.
Michael Shermer's book "The Believing Brain" actually touches on this stuff at length. Whether or not DMT is released is certainly an interesting question. "Near death experiences" as well as people who have died and been revived unanimously report seeing crazy things. That's not an opinion. It's a fact. And it's one I'd love to see neuroscience and psychology concretely explain. I think it's basically explained, but I'd love to see the explanation dumbed down for the layman. When your brain is deprived of oxygen and all those neurons are firing off--your brain experiences a sort of 'euphoria'. That's quite a bit different from this!
Edit: I'm in Japan so it linked to a Japanese Amazon site.
This (debatably) goes against your request for someone who did not live as a transsexual, but there's the book As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl.
This is a true story about how a boy named David, after receiving a botched circumcision, was raised as a girl at the recommendation of a quack doctor. The doctor was convinced that gender identity was purely a product of upbringing and wanted to use David (named Brenda when he was being raised as a girl) as a long-term experiment to prove this. However, David was born a cisgendered male, and was absolutely miserable being forced to live life as a girl.
It's a fantastic look into gender identity and his story serves as pretty compelling evidence that a person is definitely born with their identity; no amount of social pressure, surgery, or upbringing can change whether someone self-identifies as male, female, or what have you.
The nature vs nurture debate has gone on long enough, but in such instances nature wins out. For example, David Reimer was born a boy. His penis was burned off during a botched circumcision, and a doctor convinced his parents that if they raised him as a girl, he would believe he was a girl and all would be well. So they did.
However, his whole life he knew something was "off" and wrong about him. He didn't want to wear dresses, and he liked girls. He had no idea he was born a boy but knew something was wrong despite countless hormone treatments.
In the end, he found out the truth and immediately went back to being a boy. He committed suicide a few years ago, though, due to all the trauma. "As Nature Made Him" is a book documenting this whole ordeal and really talks a lot about nature vs nurture. In the end, nature won out.
As for transgender people, they believe it happens in the womb. The body develops as a girl but something goes wrong and the hormones for a boy end up getting released. There is a lot that is still unclear, but it does not seem to be a psychological reason; it all happens before the person is born.
^ Gizewski, E. R., Krause, E., Schlamann, M., Happich, F., Ladd, M. E., Forsting, M., & Senf, W. (2009). Specific cerebral activation due to visual erotic stimuli in male-to-female transsexuals compared with male and female controls: An fMRI study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6, 440–448.
In any case, since it is not very prevalent in contrast to the number of people born with the same sex and gender, it feels unnatural and one cannot be blamed for being slightly off put so long as they don't discriminate or treat them badly. You're entitled to have your opinions so long as you're tolerant.
I highly suggest reading On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society by Dave Grossman. It gives excellent insight into how the military desensitizes people to killing and the effects it has had on soldiers, past and present.
Did anyone else enjoy the amusing coincidence that her name is one letter from the Internet-word for "unwitting follower"?
>developed a script for masculinity that I was comfortable performing
Would you mind elaborating on this a bit? Or pointing towards a source that might help me make sense of the "everything is performative" mindset in less than 10,000 pages of overblown prose? Perhaps there's some factor to it that is fundamentally impossible to communicate, but I've long found that phrasing strange and uncomfortable, likely because I associate it with performing-as-acting, and thus as-lying.
>I wonder if there's some kind of body or gender dysmorphia that leaves certain people uncomfortable with whatever body they find themselves in
Almost definitely. I think a dose of Haidt's Happiness Hypothesis or maybe even Irvine's Guide to Stoicism would do people with this "generalized discomfort" much more good than the solutions they're finding (and regretting) now. Or since you mentioned the title phrase, John Kabat-Zinn's famed guide to mindfulness meditation. I say that as someone who found these books quite helpful over the years, dealing with my own concerns, and retrospectively quite glad of the culture in which I was raised rather than one more "do as thou wilt."
Edit: Thank you for sharing your story.
Get the book "lifetimes" it explains life and death as a natural process and leaves out any magical ideas. It helped both of my kids understand death when our dog died.
> I have learned one thing I’m not going till it’s actually time for me to go.
You have amazing perspective! I have had enough proof of that in my life to convince me of that. Death is just as much a part of life as birth. I was fortunate enough to serve as a friend's death doula and her death from terminal cancer went very much like a labor and delivery, but in reverse. It was THE most beautiful experience of my life, which is why I am now choosing to serve as a death doula for others.
I hope you both won't mind if I suggest the Pulitzer prize winning book by Ernest Becker called Denial of Death:
"Winner of the Pulitzer prize in 1974 and the culmination of a life's work, The Denial of Death is Ernest Becker's brilliant and impassioned answer to the "why" of human existence. In bold contrast to the predominant Freudian school of thought, Becker tackles the problem of the vital lie -- man's refusal to acknowledge his own mortality. In doing so, he sheds new light on the nature of humanity and issues a call to life and its living that still resonates more than twenty years after its writing."
Wishing you both godspeed when your time comes!
I have it at home. It's a bit tedious and not a very exciting read.
I'd recommend this:
Neil Peart, of the greatest band ever, wrote it.
> She says she is now going into a new form of
> treatment and that he is very important to her
> healing process.
That is a manipulative statement. From what I've read in your previous post, your boyfriend is not good at keeping healthy boundaries and she is very good an being manipulative. Manipulative people can't get better if they get rewarded for being manipulative. The only way to not reward manipulative behavior is by keeping good boundaries. It can take years to learn how to keep boundaries with someone who is mentally ill. I know this from personal experience.
If you decide to stay with your boyfriend and he decides to maintain his relationship with her, then you need to learn to keep boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane.
Here are some resources you or your boyfriend might find useful:
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Two of the links above are resources for people living with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I do not know whether you boyfriend's girlfriend qualifies for a diagnosis of BPD along with bipolar disorder (BD). However, I think those resources will still be helpful. Manipulative behavior and out of control emotions are traits of BPD. Also, BPD and BD are frequently comorbid.
On a side note, the guy spear heading this field of study is psychologist and former military officer David Grossman. I'd recommend reading his book On Killing to get a glimpse into military mentality and how people are conditioned by states to be killers, and what affect it has on them later.
In a nutshell, Grossman states that only around 2% of the population are natural killers. The rest hold a strong aversion to violence, even when their safety is threatened. It's almost as if we'd rather live in peace than kill each other. Weird!
Anyway, the way you condition an "ordinary" person to be a killer is to condition them to respect authority, have authority figures closely supervise the individual, have a group culture where peers expect the individual to kill, and finally you must train the individual to kill in a realistic setting. In the Army we were made to attack rubber, human shaped dummies with bayonets, as well to shoot at human shaped pop-up targets on the firing range. Grossman theorized that using human-like targets increased the soldiers' firing rate (their willingness to shoot at the enemy) from 20% in WWII to 90% in US involvement in Vietnam.
Of course, Grossman could use this information to rail against war and militarism. Unfortunately, like many military peeps, he's selling out to the cops for an easy buck. Fucker.
Barefoot Gen is written by a survivor of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. It's very moving and raw and personally I think it's better than Maus or Blankets. It should be required reading in all schools.
Persepolis is another amazing read. It's written by someone who grew up in Iran and witnessed and ran away from the revolution in the late 70's. It shows that the people in Iran and that part of the world are just like us, though because of America's (and other foreign powers) intervention, has become really conservative and hostile. I think this is another book that should be required reading in schools.
Fun Home is another personal tale about a woman's recollections of growing up and about her father.
Adrian Tomine's Shortcomings Adrian often writes very personal stories that are heart felt and touching.
American Born Chinese Gene Yang writes about growing up as an Asian American.
Epileptic French, David B writes about his Epileptic brother.
After I was diagnosed, An Unquiet Mind helped me tremendously in giving me perspective. Being able to intimately read other people's experiences helped ground me for a while. Wholly recommended. :-)
Get him a copy of I Don’t Want To Talk About It if he’s ready for that level of involvement. If he isnt interested in healing from that cultural mindset, then there’s not much you can do for him besides be there for him and try to consistently strike up emotionally sincere conversations that validate him and make him feel supported. You can’t really force anyone to heal if they don’t want to, but you can be there for them, while also maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself so that you don’t get caught up in his emotional ‘stuff’ too.
I don't have kids nor do I have any explicit advice. However, in his (great) book Wherever You Go, There You Are Jon Kabat-Zinn talks a little bit his practice after he had children. I remember him saying when his child was still a baby he would often meditate while holding her, as it was the only time he had free to practice. When she got older he continued to sit, and once in a while she would sit next to him.
Talking with younger people after meditation retreats I've heard from some who said their parents never forced them into anything, or indoctrinated them. The parents simply meditated and did their thing, and when curious the children asked.
You are in some bad mental ruts and you probably aren't going to break out of them by yourself.
I always hate to say this but you likely need therapy - cognitive behavioral therapy, which is not the goofy therapy some people think of.
Alternatively I've heard this book is good for this mode of thinking: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/
I mean, maybe you could get in shape and wear makeup a bit, but you have to know that you're in the mode of thinking an anorexic or a depressive person is in - totally broken away from reality and stuck in a funk of negativity.
Not sure why you think your husband has a fetish but this could potentially be your own self-doubt and self-loathing spilling over into a disgust at your husband for liking you.
'On Killing' by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman I found to be an extremely enlightening look at the effects of combat. Although the historical aspects are primarily from the Civil War forward(especially Vietnam), he does reference earlier combat. Touches on purification ceremonies(parades), the heroes journey, the travel there and back, and a number of other issues dealing with how societies have dealt with these effects. 5 stars. (I'm not a professional historian)
Organizations like Blackwater don't hire run-of-the-mill soldiers. They often hire out of special forces organizations and the like.
For one: Special forces groups tend to train their soldiers a bit better, and they educate them on the stresses and psychological effects that combat will have on them. This makes them more able to cope with the difficulties brought on by the High-tempo work they do.
Similar training will be found in any high-tempo/specialized combat trades (including law enforcement). The book On Combat covers such ideas.
Unfortunately, this kind of training is not as widespread as it should be, so people who aren't experienced and trained go oversees, kill somebody, and hey are not adequately prepared to deal with what that means.
And more specifically for handling Killing a man:
I'll make a recommendation I make a few times a year here on Reddit an suggest reading On Killing by Lt. Col. David Grossman:
Dave Grossman goes over a human's natural disinclination to kill in fine detail, using historical war records of proof. Then, he analyzes how modern war training (Vietnam and beyond) is built around overcoming these natural aversions, and of course how bloodlust can take control where training does not (as it does here). A lot of interesting bits on how physical or mechanical distance lessons phychological reactions to the act and how soldiers make justifications in the moment.
His answer to the "what's next" question is total and unconditional support of soldiers that return home that have not been perpetrators of atrocities. They need to know that what they did was necessary, that they did it for their country, that we are proud of what they've done and appreciate it. The exposure of civilians to the horrors of war by the media in Vietnam, and the public's reaction to the soldier's returning, is cted as a primary reason for the mental illness wave that affects the veterans of that war disproportionately.
You may not support going to war - the justifications or methods - but you must always support the men and women sent to kill and die by our government as they are serving their country in the best way they know how, and it is important to validate that sacrifice.
not sure which documentary he is talking about but i read On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society and HIGHLY recommend it.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure it is very difficult for you, as it would be for probably any of us. I think what you're feeling is very common, very natural, very human. It is precisely because of how common and universal this kind of suffering is that I think the Buddha felt so moved to try to help us.
The most penetrating wisdom I have ever encountered about death, teachings that for the very first time gave me glimpses of peace and fearlessness about death (both my own and others'), come from Master Thich Nhat Hanh. He has written a whole book about it, which I have not yet read, but he discusses death in other books and those passages were like moments when the sun breaks through the dark clouds of my fear and starts clearing them away. I'm sure his book specifically on the subject would be incredibly helpful to you.
His basic point about death, as I understand it, is that "death" as we conceive of it doesn't exist because "birth" as we conceive of it doesn't exist, either. Ultimately, our fear of death--our own and the deaths of those we love--originates in wrong perceptions, wrong understandings about reality.
Also, here's a short YouTube clip of him that gives you a taste of his insights on the subject.
It pains me to hear about the circumstances of your loss, how terribly tragic.
The transformation of matter is a somewhat useful metaphor for understanding the continuity aspect of rebirth. I once overheard my young daughter telling a friend of hers to recycle so the bottle can reincarnate - which was kind of cute, and conveyed some truth.
But I must say that the Buddhist teaching relates more to the continuity of the state of mind, and clinging, that persists across lives, not to the transformation of matter.
Yet we shouldn't be so quick to draw such a distinction between the two - because, according to several schools of Buddhism including Zen, all is ultimately mind, all matter. It takes a great deal of meditation and insight to understand this though, and the understanding goes far beyond what words can describe.
I would recommend reading "No Death, No Fear" by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh - as he is someone who also uses matter transformation as a metaphor for teaching rebirth, so he's probably in line with your thinking.
Art imitates life, which imitates art, in a loop that constantly feeds each other information about what's societally acceptable. I absolutely do not mean anything dramatic like "video games cause violence". But there is a very common argument defending violence or sexism in video games: it sells. The intention of the argument is to suggest that profit-seeking is an amoral motivation. But all that seems to do is point out evidence for the opposite stance, which is that violence and sexism are popular. People like to see it, enough people to make it a viable business strategy. So by taking that "amoral" stance, media producers choose to feed that popularity instead of commenting on it or just feeding a different part of our cultural values.
But recognizing that pattern does not mean assigning blame. Sexism is an accidental, literally ignorant action much more often than it is evil mustache-twisting. But in trying to combat the pattern of sexism going around, there are two different entry points here; the art, or the consumers. So some people put their efforts into directly educating people, while others (like Sarkeesian) critique the art.
I agree that discussing Sarkeesian herself and her strategies would need it's own post, but I hope this helps with your main question, at least. If it's something you're interested in reading more about, "On Killing" by Dave Grossman, was a really influential book for me when I began reading about this subject. Most of the book addresses other issues, but his section on desensitization through media consumption was eye-opening for me.
First of all, I don't think you did anything wrong. If the worst thing that happens to you is an invigorating drive in the cool night air - well, that ain't so bad, is it?
In a perfect world, you'd have single-handedly apprehended the thief, fucked his sister, and rode off into the sunset with the theme from The Magnificent 7 playing at full volume. And in a perfect world I'd own a yacht and a nationwide chain of liquor stores, too.
I recommend you take a look at Cooper's Color Code, and maybe pick up a copy of On Killing. There are several different variations of Cooper's work out there, and some folks have tweaked it (for better and worse).
The reason I'm pointing this out to you is that I think you went from Condition White straight to Condition Black.
I want you to know that this shit happens. I am a combat vet and a ghetto paramedic - used to stress and interpersonal conflict, and I'm fully aware that it could happen to me - especially in the situation you described. Nobody is ready to "throw down" anywhere, anytime unless you're patrolling in a war zone. I could sit here and fantasize/pontificate about hasty-ambushing that thief until I'm blue in the fingers, but in reality....in reality being jerked into a conflict after sitting in a safe, familiar place immersed for hours in the fumes of Microsoft Excel (or whatever)...I'd be surprised if I didn't freeze up a bit myself. I can tell you for sure it wouldn't go down as perfectly as I'd want it to. This ain't Hollywood, and I ain't Jason Bourne.
Now, what you can do is learn about this phenomenon and how it affects you, thereby mitigating it's negative effects in the future.
The other thing to recognize here is the mere fact that you experienced this means you'll have more agency over yourself next time. It won't seem so shocking, so alien. You'll process it faster, and decide what to do more quickly.
And please don't kill anyone over a broken car window.
An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by Stephen Miklowitz PhD.
DBT Therapy for Bipolar Disorder
These are my three go-to recommendations. An Unquiet Mind is written from the perspective of someone with BP1 with psychotic features, who is also a professional psychologist and has studied BD for a very long time.
The BD Survival Guide was the first book I read on the subject after my diagnosis. It grounded me, it informed me about the disease and all the ways it can manifest, gave me an idea about the buildup and duration of episodes, as well as providing several enlightening vignettes throughout the text to illustrate points and concepts. 10/10, I consider this mandatory reading for the newly diagnosed or underinformed.
The DBT therapy workbook--truth be told I haven't done much work with it yet, but DBT is regularly touted as one of the most effective treatments for bipolar. So I thought I'd include that.
Best of luck!
I started having death anxiety at 18. It hit me really hard and I still feel it every now and then. I'm currently 26. Feels like my chest is caving in and everything is empty and meaningless.
I recommend reading Staring at the Sun. It's a good book and may help you reduce your anxiety about death: https://www.amazon.com/Staring-Sun-Overcoming-Terror-Death/dp/0470401818
Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
Safe Area Gorazde By Joe Sacco
The Photographer by Emmanuel Guibert
Blankets by Craig Thompson
Not non-fiction but
Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth by Chris Ware is about as non-pop, non-pulp as it gets.
You may benefit from sampling the /r/philosophy sub. My personal recommendation: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker Sorry you're being bullied/harassed - if you're fearing for your life don't hesitate to call the police. You may also request more police patrols in an area.
Oh, yeah, I read that book for my humanities class in college last year.
As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl.
I still think transgenderism is real though, but what do I know, I'm not a behavioral psychologist or a sexologist.
Not doing summaries/reviews, cause it's late and I'm tired. On request, I suppose. Mostly books, with a couple docs and a few blogs.
Less theory, more personal experiences:
And a couple links I make it a point to share whenever I can:
Not just Arabs: you have to be trained to kill. To minimize the psychological hesitation in the moment. To put rounds on target (on people) instead of just in the vague direction of people. Turns out humans just don't like to kill other humans (or at least at scale).
Some books a Marine recommended to me once: On Killing and Training for the Fight. There are criticisms of both books but it is a continuing field of study.
On the one hand I notice this trait in myself in watching violent movies and reading military history. Right now I'm reading The Kindly Ones by Johnathan Littell. It's a historical memoir written from the perspective of an officer in the Einsatzgruppen on the Eastern Front as Nazi Germany advances towards Moscow and later his experiences in the concentration camps. Even when I was in middle school I remember my parents would ask me why can't I read about good things. I have no interest in reading about good people unless they are destroying evil people. When I was 14, I rode my bike to the library to read the book On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society in secret. It was an enlightening survey on the true cost of taking a human life. The book as a whole really struck a cord in me when it broke people down into categories of sheep, sheep dogs, and wolves here's the article.
But I also think people have a tendency for voyeurism. The film Nigh Crawler comes to mind. People are seeking a hit of dopamine on the late night news from garden variety brutality and macabre. The Amanda Knox trial or the German pilot who just crashed the jetliner into the Alps. Shit, they're probably about to talk about a murder in the inner city right now.
A good book is How to Survive the Loss of a Love.
It’s a cheesy book from the 70s, but it helps. xo
Edit: it looks like it’s online here.
I attended DBT through my mental health care provider. However, there are lots of online resources for DBT.
General overview of DBT, as presented by mind.
https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0BxbhXNkT67stRnFiUXhNYW1iRVE (this link has lots of mental health resources, but to get specifically to DBT, look in the folder marked "Treatment, Therapy, and Medication.")
https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook-e19134904.html (the link to purchase this book is below)
There's also YouTube videos (this playlist is good: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLb51Q732nMqeTJp05TQsE3YkCCY6p6_FS) (or search for DBT skills and/or Marsha Linehan).
On Pinterest at: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.pinterest.com/amp/pin/231583605811059286/
You can also order the books online.
This is the book linked earlier in the thread.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D8UWM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1dd4CbN7T7HD3
This is the manual/workbook that I have. DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SVCMRCI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_sed4CbJ4D3F5Q
This is the clinical training manual my DBt therapists use. DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462516998/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Yed4Cb430ZATG
There are also Facebook peer support pages and groups.
If you're wanting to go at it alone, finding someone who has already been through it to guide and with you might be a lot more helpful. I am available anytime to answer questions and help someone start. I've been through the DBT "cycle" almost 3 times now, because the facility I attend does not currently offer "maintenance level" support. I also enjoy the feeling of support and camaraderie.
In the beginning, DBT can seem stupid, confusing, redundant, or even silly. Stick with it. Do your homework if you're in a group. Do a diary card daily, even in the beginning, even if you don't get it. If you're not in a group but have a peer counselor, ask for homework!
Hope this helps!
Edit: thank you for the platinum! What an honor.
I'm sorry I don't have that book so I can't reference that specific exercise.
I have scanned 3 pages of Marsha Linehan's "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" that explains for the Clinician what the goal of Mindfulness is and how to teach it.
It hopefully will answer your questions regarding the goals of mindfulness as all exercises focus on WHAT and HOW skills.
If you want to have a deeper understanding of the 'why's' behind DBT skills, purchasing the skills training book might give you more clarity.
> I'm not sure what part scares me most. The idea of just complete nothingness. Not even blackless. Not being concious anymore and just not being there anymore.
You were in that state for an eternity before you were born. Did it bother you then?
> I don't see life's worth. You work hard, put yourself through the hardest things in life and you keep on pushing and pushing. But what for? There's no happy ending to strife towards to. You'll die in the end.
The goal isn't necessarily a happy ending. Although that's not impossible. If you think working hard is for nothing, then you may not have reaped the benefits of working hard.
I'm 46. I've been where you are. Terrified of the notion of death. Anxiety attacks. Depression. It all sucked.
Today, I love being alive. I love every single moment of it. And I think that's the key. Be in the moment. Mindfulness.
Forget the past. You can't change it. Don't worry about the future. It's not guaranteed. The only thing that you're guaranteed in life is this moment. Make the most of it.
If you can train yourself to truly be in the moment, each and every moment, then every moment is like an eternity. Like a lifetime. And you end up living many of them.
Yes, I'll still die. But I've got 3 kids, so in a way I'll live on. Sure, not my consciousness. Not who I am. But I also believe that we're all part of something bigger. Not religion. I fucking hate organized religion. But I'm a very spiritual person. What most people think of as some type of "god", I think of as the Universe. The Universe, I believe, is a living entity. We exist within it as part of it. And I think that while we're here, maybe our job is just to do our best to keep the Universe healthy. To be happy and to make other people happy. And to leave happiness behind.
It's almost like the 5 stages of dying. I don't know them all, and can't be bothered to look them up at the moment (sorry). But there's anger, denial, etc... and ultimately acceptance. Now, I don't have any terminal illness. I'm in the best shape of my life. But I've accepted that I'm halfway through my journey. To be honest, I pretty much blew the first half. The realization that I was 1/2 thru sort of triggered those 5 stages of death and dying for me. It wasn't imminent, but it's inevitable. And with that came eventual acceptance. And also the realization that I was unhappy looking back at my life. I can change it now. When I'm on my deathbed and looking back, I'm done. I can't change it. I can't fix it. So I've made it my goal to get to a point where, when I am finally on that death bed looking back, I can know that I made a difference.
You ask why would you put so much effort in things you won't have anything left of in the end, anyways... but I disagree with that. I think that when I go, I just want to know that I made people happier. I want to know that my wife had no regrets about being married to me. I want to know that my kids will be going out into the world with a good attitude and lead happy lives themselves, raising happy kids of their own who will go on and do the same.
Sorry, I realize I'm all over the place. It's a lot to cover and I'm short on time.
I might suggest a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called, "No Death No Fear" (http://www.amazon.com/No-Death-Fear-Comforting-Wisdom/dp/1573223336), that helped me.
Also look into mindfulness. Live in the moment. You have an eternity of moments ahead of you. What's it all for? It's for those moments. Live in those moments, for those moments. Yes, it's sad that you're going to die. But it would be even more sad if you died never having really lived. You can't take it with you (as far as we know). The memories, the experiences... they'll likely end with you. But for as long as you're here, you have all of those moments to experience. The purpose isn't to live forever. The purpose is just to live each moment fully.
I will try to put something more coherent together. But for now I hope that amongst the sea of text that I've managed to vomit out here, that you can find something that helps you maybe just a little bit.
It seems she used Mindfulness Meditation and Yoga according to her papers here: https://www.nmr.mgh.harvard.edu/~lazar/publications.html
And the best source I can recommend for the basics is 'Wherever You Go, There You Are' by Mr.Kabat-Zinn.
Gave this to my fiance three years ago at the beginning of our relationship. He's my biggest support and my rock. He helps me advocate for myself, self-care, everything. This book helped him become all those things. Highly recommended.
You will never make anywhere near a US salary anywhere outside the USA.
I came back a few years ago. Not only that, you might not even find a job outside the USA.
You also present them with visa and language problems.
You can look on JobServe for contracting roles in a lot of countries, but don't expect US rates.
Location will not change anything, in fact it is very difficult. Like they say, "Wherever you go, there you are."
You will be the same unhappy or happy person you are wherever you go - just without language skills to match your peers.
Thoreau: 'the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation'.
Anyway, I think your problem is that you need the world to be a specific way before you allow yourself to be happy. That is, if your expectations of how the world should be aren't how things are, you feel unhappy, disatisfied. Now, how likely is it that the world is going to conform to your expectations? Even the rich and powerful can't control all the events in their life. What does that mean? It means that you (and they) will likely be unhappy much of the time.
This lady, [Byron Katie] (http://www.thework.com/), addresses that. Her main idea is that the only way you are going to be happy in life is if you love what occurs in your life. She even has a book about it, [loving what is] (http://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four-Questions-Change/dp/1400045371/ref=sr_1_1/179-8180109-1575332?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414516651&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=loving+what+is+byron+katie).
Basically, what you are experiencing is one of the consequences of being self-aware; an aspect of the meaning of life question. Katie's answer is only one of the many that people have come up with over our existence. Lots of territory for you to explore. Think of it this way; our happiness is too important to be left to chance.
EDIT: add links
>THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT because any book that talks about meditating to reach a higher being, to see pretty things is not what I'm looking for.
That is wonderful! Because, despite what some people imagine, that's not what real meditation is about.
Meditation addresses the cause-and-effect of the thinking; in particular, how to get out from under the false ideas we make or that are implanted in us by parents, society, and other conditioning factors, and how to instead be able to see things plainly and accurately — before opinion filters the view.
You are very fortunate to have this yen for simple, observable effects; and you are very fortunate to understand that you need to reset. Furthermore, it is good that you can see some of your own patterns and how they might get in the way of your success. Resetting is indeed the practice: coming back to zero.
Zen Master Seung Sahn used to talk about "pressing the Clear button". When you use a calculator, you need to be able to return to zero in order for the calculations to come out correctly. If you keep entering calculations without resetting, they go further and further from the accurate result. Similarly, if we are to function correctly we need to be able to clear away the previous results and start from zero. So meditation means we press the Clear button. Then, how that clear point functions in life is the next step.
I think you may like some of Zen Master Seung Sahn's writing, and you may dislike some of it. His teaching is very well organized. He also often appealed to the scientific mind (he would sometimes teach by using mathematics, for instance). But also some of his writing includes points that you may not have the patience for, and includes deep teaching you probably won't understand (not until you have practiced for several years); so you may not like that part of it.
But this raises an important point for you. Despite the fact that you seek very clear, no-nonsense teaching — which is, I think, commendable — there is also a sort of selfish, demanding, entitled tone to your post. You have to realize that nothing is perfect. Your situations become satisfactory or unsatisfactory based on your own mind and your own relationship to things. So if you keep a demanding and entitled attitude, there is no teaching that will help you.
Right now, you are saying that you are going to stay where you are, and that all the teaching should come to you, in exactly the way you want it. Sure, we all want things our way; but that's not really a mature approach. You have to come at least half way. If you take down some of the unnecessary doubt and armoring, and take some steps toward the teachers, then naturally the teachers will respond and the teaching can be assimilated by you. If you only stand where you've always stood, holding on to your narrow view out of fear of entering new territory, then nothing will change for you.
This is also cause and effect.
One writer you may appreciate — I don't know, you'd have to check him out — is John Kabat Zinn. He offers meditation practices in a non-religious context. Probably his most famous book is his first bestseller, Full Catastrophe Living, which looks at meditation for stress relief and treatment for illness. The follow-up book Wherever You Go, There You Are is more focused on meditation itself, and may be a good start for you. He has several books, videos, and mp3s available.
Here's an excerpt from a user review on Amazon:
>A family member bought this book. I found it sitting on a shelf, glanced at the cover and involuntarily thought to myself "uh oh, granola time," and came within a heartbeat of dismissing the book out of hand. Luckily, I did not. Instead, I read the introduction, and then found myself -- almost in a state of disbelief -- reading on and on. I was amazed to find that the book is not just one more new age book muttering away about a world none of us really lives in. To the contrary, the book is written by someone with a profound understanding of everyday reality, who is astonishingly good at sharing that understanding.
If you haven't already read it, may I recommend the book: No Death, No Fear by Master Thich Nhat Hanh.
It is an excellent book, and I recommend it to everyone not just those dealing with grief. Indeed I've read it 3 times now, although I did not have any unresolved grief. It is a book that helps you to understand the Buddhist teaching of Impermanence, and one of my "go to" books whenever I get caught up in day to day stress.
Also, If you can't afford a specialist you might check into a few self help therapy books. One that helped me tremendously, your mileage may vary, is Feeling Good by David Burns. (You can find it in .pdf form here if you can't get it in physical form.)
Of course I'm not a specialist and don't know OPs situation. They could benefit more from ACT or some other form of therapy than CBT.
First, I'm sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how tough it must be to lose your mom so suddenly.
In regards to your question, I strongly urge you to be open, honest, and empathetic with your son. Tiptoeing around the issue or using euphemisms is only going to confuse him further, and may even make it more upsetting for him.
A few months ago I had to explain to my (also very verbal) 2-year-old about her father's death. I was very anxious about how to handle it but I did my best to answer all of her questions completely without making it overcomplicated or offering unsolicited details. I also spoke with her daycare teacher so that she was prepared to handle the topic should it come up, and so she knew how I was framing the issue (e.g. please don't tell my kid that her dad is an angel watching over her or anything like that).
Death is a very abstract concept and it definitely took some time before the message got through to my daughter that death was permanent and that her dad was not coming back. For a couple weeks after our initial conversation, she kept springing intense, emotionally-loaded questions on me out of nowhere. Even though it was hard, I wanted her to feel comfortable asking me these types of questions so I made a point of keeping myself composed when I responded. I also occasionally checked in with her to assess how she was processing things, and to see if she had any additional questions (she usually did).
This book might also be helpful: Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children Several people have recommended it to me but I haven't gotten around to buying it yet.
Whenever I hear about folks who take medication to maintain stability I always think of diabetics. Here is a group of people who are using modern science in order to continue to function. Without it they often die, and if not dead they typically suffer from a host of other issues related to fluctuations of blood sugar. ADD and the medications associated with it seem no different to me. There is some kind of imbalance that a person has (people are not ADD, people are people with ADD) like not producing insulin, or sweat, or some other chemical in the brain. Modern medicine allows people to function. The same way a prosthetic lets someone walk. You are you on medication, because the medication helps you maintain the way the body typically functions. This book is kind of fantastic for thinking about how medication effects mood. Here!
Here you go! You recommended everything I was going to recommend so I thought I'd make your links easier to click.
>All of these are useful:
>An Unquiet Mind
>Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide
>The Bipolar Workbook: Controlling Swings
>The Mindful Way Through Depression
>The last book describes a self-guided therapy that I used to lift myself out of a mixed mood a few years ago. I was willing to do anything to get better and that included doing things that I had little to no faith in but I still had to try. It worked despite my skepticism. I believe in it now.
>and then there is the bible of the illness and its treatment. It's massive and very technical (written for medical professionals) but you might find parts of it useful.
>Manic Depressive Illness: Bipolar Disorders and Recurrent Depression
Sorry, hospital not dentist, but yeah it happened.
It might be a way to ease someone into the realities of the next existence by not shattering their worldviews too quickly. (Just saying.)
I've read of at LEAST one NDE where the "incredibly bright being of love and light" actually transformed itself into various incarnations to represent the mental ideal of the person. A bunch of others showed that you can project a form of yourself, it seemed to be a skill.
note: I've read probably hundreds of NDE's. Surveying the eyewitness testimony, you see. The most interesting ones are those of congenitally blind people who see in this state, despite having no working brain function to process visual imagery nor ways to explain it. (You can tell they're seeing, based on their struggle to describe "sensing things at a distance".)
Based on reading hundreds of NDE's, which I'm sure almost no one here has the patience or inclination to do, I think it is best to just keep an open mind about it and not necessarily blithely chalk it all up to dimethyltryptamine.
Also, as a possible extra point of validity, a LOT of the ideas that MANY people talk about in NDE's would be considered heretical in most of the world religions (example: the idea that very few people end up in any kind of Hell). The life reviews that were described, I found especially poignant (stuff like "none of my professional achievements seemed to matter, but hugging my sister late one night when she was in a bad state was a big deal")
[EDIT: I found this book, which I actually hadn't heard of until I came here, on Amazon (I will leave the irony of /r/atheism advertising a supposedly spiritual book to me successfully as an exercise for the reader), but I did see that someone posted the OP image to the book images which is fucking hilarious. This book itself certainly does seem "tainted with Christianity". Can't wait for the Buddhist version! :) ]
How To Survive The Loss Of A Love was a really good book I read after the death of my husband. Each page is a short simple idea with a poem on the opposite page. I highly recommend it to everyone.
Get this book, and give it a good read.
The synopsis is that a young boy was, due to circumstances, secretly raised as a girl. For 13 years everyone lied to his face to convince him he was a girl and that he must accept being a girl. He was extremely unhappy and became suicidal. He reverted back to the gender that he always, always always knew deep down he was, and became much happier as a result.
This is not something that you did or have any control over.
I would suggest being honest. Tell your son that you are having a hard time and about your "pre-exisitng condition". Offer to go to therapy. The problem is yours and not at all your child's.
Look, everyone has preferences on gender of their children. But when that preference gets in the way of life (eg, your inability to have biological children out of this fear, and your inability to continue to love your son),/you need therapy. That's what a mental illness is, something that gets in the way of normal life.
On killing. By Lt. Col. Dave Grossman. http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0316040932
I think the censorship news is a bit of a media beatup TBH. That said, I think the whole censorship system in Australia needs an overhaul. My attitudes to censorship have changed significantly vis-a-vis first person shooters since I finished reading Dave Grossman's On Killing.
Edited because I am retarded. Then I had to edit again because I can't spell edited without checking.
He has a few books. In particular:
Propagating the myth that killing is easy even for trained and well-regimented soldiers.
You need to read http://www.amazon.com/On-Killing-Psychological-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
"The good news is that most soldiers are loath to kill. But armies have developed sophisticated ways of overcoming this instinctive aversion. And contemporary civilian society, particularly the media, replicates the army's conditioning techniques, and, according to Lt. Col. Dave Grossman's thesis, is responsible for our rising rate of murder among the young."
This book gives you some perspective about the science behind making people to kill and that way "part of the group" - and why it is thought to be necessary. I would not be surprised if same kind of "science" would be part of intelligence "training". Which is quite scary thought.
There's a lot of material about that kind of behaviour in On Killing
Several years ago at our introductory fall faculty meeting (where we also introduce brand new faculty to everyone), our head of counseling services addressed the faculty body with the following remarks:
"I cant tell you the medications these students are on but it's scary."
"The next Virginia Tech shooter is on our campus right now."
Were I prone to believe his hysteria, I would carry on campus whether legal or not. However, he struck me as not terribly competent (and maybe sampling some of the students' meds himself) and my interactions with students, even the obviously not all healthy ones, does not make me overly concerned for my safety. It helps that I have nearly 20 years of a particular type of training that emphasizes awareness and peaceful resolution.
But that lads to me address a common refrain I see whenever this topic arises, that only faculty with military/police training should CC on campus. The presumption is that they are properly trained, but that training is disparate. Active duty police only hit what they fire at ~30% of the time (compared to 10% for gang members, I believe but I cannot find that study readily). Military infantry tend to be much higher (~70% iirc), but we tend to stereotype everyone in the army as infantry. One friend of mine spent 20 years in aviation repair work and even though he was deployed never came anywhere close to firing a weapon. He had the basic training and then that was it. However, I also grew up in a rural area where shooting was as common as grilling out or hiking. I knew several people who are experts in firearms who are not "government trained." Many of them I don't think are psychologically ready to handle having to potentially take a life, but several are. u/Geometer99 mentioned the PTSD that would come with having to shoot someone (much less a student you know) and that is very real. One of my combat veteran friends recommended a text written by a military officer and Psychology Ph.D. about that topic and how hard it is for >90% of people to actually shoot at another person. The book is called On Killing and was a very interesting read if a bit redundant between some chapters. It was very fascinating to learn about conditioning (and de-conditioning) techniques used by militaries and other groups.
When it comes to my colleagues, most of my colleagues could not fathom operating a firearm and many are afraid of weapons; there are a tiny handful I would trust. One has several years of military training from his home country. Another has the demeanor. Another trains in the same program I do. But we all have something else in common; I don't think we would carry on campus unless condition were so horrible as to make the likelihood of needing immediate lethal protection readily available. Fortunately, college campuses are very safe and violent incidents are very rare and the climate is not conducive to needing a firearm. My campus borders a really bad area of town and has had a few incidents (and I know several students have weapons on campus). It did only take them two years to park a police cruiser in the parking lot on the edge of campus where the drug deals commonly happened and armed robberies happened fairly often too. But even with that mixing of college and town elements, it has been fairly secure (just don't leave valuables in your car in the far lot). I and my colleagues don't need firearms. But niggling in the back of my contrarian mind is that absence of need should not equate to ban...
I know this isn't what you're looking for or asking of the above poster, but I thought it relevant to what you're asking about so figured I'd share. You seem interested in a way that implied you might read a book about it, and this is a fantastic book for that. He has others like it, too. Very illuminating perspectives on the reality of the human experience of violence and war, especially from the soldier's view.
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society, by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman
It's not about the military specifically teaching dehumanization of the enemy, but the book examines the methods used by the military to overcome a person's innate aversion to murdering another human, and what that does in the long run to the minds of the soldiers. Dehumanization may be a part of that for some? It's been a few years since I read it, but I know it gets touched on.
>Stressing that human beings have a powerful, innate resistance to the taking of life, he examines the techniques developed by the military to overcome that aversion. His provocative study focuses in particular on the Vietnam war, revealing how the American soldier was "enabled to kill to a far greater degree than any other soldier in history." Grossman argues that the breakdown of American society, combined with the pervasive violence in the media and interactive video games, is conditioning our children to kill in a manner siimilar to the army's conditioning of soldiers
Your response deserves applause, pretty well thought out. Let me hit the various points:
>It's also no secret that there are fairly prevalent rapes in the military, many of which are not reported for fear of reprimand in some shape or form
This is an instance where you have "Now that we have more people reporting this, we have more reports on file, so since there are more reports on file, there are more rapes!" It's a double edged blade for the higher echelons command. If they convince more people to come forward (remember, these have no statute of limitations under UCMJ) it looks like you have more rapes in your command. Even if they all happened in 1999, it reflects on you. What fear of reprimand? The issue I've seen with reprimand is where a Soldier comes forward with allegations (under oath), then recants it all at a later time. Is intimidation, is it lying, not for us to determine.
>Allowing free relationships among soldiers would no doubt contribute to these, and 'normalize' the idea of sex amongst the enlisted, so that the issue is taken in less severity (e.g. "What? She was fucking those three last week, why not me?")
Not different than College in anyone. Unless you go to BYU.
>Sexualizing your fellow soldiers, using them for 'release', and forming relationships with someone that's meant to be your equal, will do nothing to close this divide, and progress equality in the military.
Relationships are all that matters in the military. On Killing has a good passage on why Soldiers shoot not to save themselves, but to save their buddies, the guy/gal that depends on them.
>Regarding men and women differently, assigning them different duties, allowing/disallowing them to operate on certain kinds of missions, all contributes to separating the troops by gender, when they should be completely conformed and uniform with one another, so as to form a truly cohesive unit with no systematic bias.
The needs of the mission will always come before needs of political correctness. Sort of the equivalent of why the LEAST mission essential person pulls off their gas mask first, not the lowest ranking.
>Banning interpersonal relationships, punishing infractions, and fully integrating all soldiers into the same fold, would all contribute to a more uniform, genderless unit, as part of this process is not only training women and men to the same standard, but to untrain the attitudes and gender roles that we naturally adhere to in society.
This could work in a draft Army...maybe, but we train our guys to think and feel. Usually they do very little in both regards, but in the Whole Soldier concept you end up with a soldier who can ethically engage in land combat operations.
>nor is it the place to carry on romantic relationships with your equals.
General Order, no boning in theater. Double bonus points under UCMJ if your boning and cheating at the same time.
>Training men and women to separate standards is already unjust, and outright nonsensical in my opinion, but we completely separate men and women in such a way, that they're not being trained (again, from my understanding) to be fully cohesive and without bias, ignorant to gender, and fully equal.
The only times training is separate is when it is training conducting in living quarters. The military can be down-right archaic with that sometimes, with punishments handed out for passing by an opposite gender tent to closely/often. The appearance of impropriety is enough to justify punishment for impropriety sometimes.
>A man might now take a risk for a woman on the battlefield that he would not have due to dangerous conditions for a man.
Shit, that works out in everyone's favor, right? No not really. Risk takers either end up dead, or hero's, or both. You don't look at Gender when you risk your own ass, you look at your buddy, that person that depends on you to pull your weight so you both end up back to the rear in one piece.
>There are of course also the obvious issues of STD's, pregnancy, emotional issues due to relationship-related stresses, and the ever-possible...
STD's are prevalent already, military towns, even ones with larger bases are pretty inbred boning pots. Relationship-related stresses, any more than being separate from a spouse that has no idea what you do on a day to day basis, and can't understand why you are working late again for the mission? Myself and the misses see each other for possibly 90 minutes a night before it's time to rack out and do PT again.
>and dare I say, "inevitable" abuse of superiority
From my experience watching this, the lower ranking individual, tends to wield the power in those relationship. Consider it emotional and career blackmail. Best example I saw was an E-3 & E-8. The moment the senior tried to break it off, the junior ran and told the CoC. Beep beep, you let your dick drive the bus that ran you over Bro!
>Rough-necks do it
That's nice, I see the Rangers and SF do it too, because there are no females around them. But remember it takes 2 to tango, so what happens if we demographically split the Rough Necks down the middle and toss in physically equal (Do you even lift?) women?
>Again, all completely conjecture and personal opinion., feel free to tear me a new one and disagree, I'm not claiming to have any more insight than anyone else here on the intricacies of military life.
No problems, it was a well thought out response.
There is a book on this I read once : https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
These books have helped me tremendously through the hiring process so far. I took recommendations from friends and acquaintances in law enforcement and from searching through previous threads on this subreddit.
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316040932/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_GNK.ybMTBZKVX
Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971725403/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_EOK.ybR4XSKZY
Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, Updated Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062107704/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_EQK.yb1MWMEPV
It really depends on the tone you're going for in your writing. If you want it to be realistic, I'd recommend checking out "Violence: a Writer's Guide" by Rory Miller. Other good sources would be "On Combat" and "On Killing"
When my wifes grandmother passed away about two or so years ago, we got this book for our kids to help them understand death.
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553344021/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_kinWDb7KNCA05
It explained it pretty well and seemed to answer their questions at the time.
We lost our dog a year ago to cancer. Then, they wanted to know more, and the movie Coco helped us with that one. We explained that part of the movie was made up for the cartoon, but the part about people and pets in this case, live on in our memories seemed to help.
Yes that can be a sign of a manic episode. I may suggest picking up Kay Redfield Jamison's book An Unquiet Mind to get a first-hand account of full blown manic episodes, from the point of view of a clinical psychologist as she experiences it herself.
I highly recommend you read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison.
That book helped me so much. Just to know there was someone else who went through what I did. I mean, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I wasn't the only person with BP... but to be able to read it.. and actually have proof that I wasn't crazy.. It did wonders.
Can I ask, are you happy with your decision to not take medication? You mention that you have had a difficult time lately - why not try a different medication?
Also, I'm very sorry to hear you lost your mother. My heart goes out to you.
Bipolar disorder is much more subtle than it is portrayed. When we shown bipolar disorder by the media it's almost always extreme and over acted. Bipolar is depicted as a type of unhinged crazy. I'm bipolar and know many other bipolars. We might do really stupid things, like go out get drunk and cheat on our wives compulsively but that's hardly eyes-popping-out-of-skull frothing-at-the-mouth insane.
It depends on what you are looking for. If you need the crazy manic character to animate your narrative, then I guess that's where you need to take it. A well considered bipolar character would be rather subtle. Most of us are very good at passing which is why we don't stand out when you bump into us out in great big world of normal everyday life. We come in lots of varieties. Some of us are animated whereas others are quiet and private. We may or may not drink, drug, gamble, spend, don't take medications, or sleep around. You have a fair bit of room, but subtle will be more accurate if you are looking for a character similar to most of us.
Much of the time I would have said copious quantities of sex were the most important thing in a relationship alongside some flexibility about non-monogamy. I've been severely depressed for so long, that care, consideration, and loyalty matter most of all. It takes an extraordinary partner (or maladaptive one) to stick around for a long ride that's this hopeless for this long.
A leading researcher of this disorder also suffers from a severe form of it. She's remarkable and fascinating. She wrote a really good memoir that you read http://www.amazon.com/Unquiet-Mind-Memoir-Moods-Madness/dp/0679763309
I want to recommend you 2 books which I beg you to read. They have helped me a lot:
They might not seem they are adressing your issues, but I promise, if you go through them you will heal yourself to a point where you at least will not be so hard on yourself and not contemplating suicide anymore.
Porn is not your issue, your issue is a the thing you are treating with porn. And shame is never the answer. Never. Don't punish yourself for your thoughts. Thoughts are automatic processes we cannot control. Think of them like an involuntary fart. How ridiculous would be to punish yourself everytime you have one? ;)
So care for yourself, be your best friend, treat yourself like you would treat a wounded son you love. One day a time. And trust me you will discover a self love so strong you'd be amazed :)
If you need more help just write a PM. I can be a support when you need one. Cheers!
Wherever You Go, There You Are
Mindfulness in Plain English
Wherever You Go, There You Are
SparklyChipmunk offered good advice.
To add to it, sometimes when a person is screaming at you, it can help a lot if you maintain a low, calm voice where they have to quiet down to be able to hear you. It can make them realize how loud they're being.
Something else that can help diffuse a BPD rage is validating whatever you can--look for something in what she's saying or feeling that you do agree with and let her know about it. BPD is very, very sensitive to perceived invalidation and validating them can help to short circuit that process and get their emotions to die down a bit and be able to actually hear some of what you're saying and not just perceiving everything as attacks against their very soul.
That said, if she never gets appropriate treatment, you can learn techniques to get along better with her, but all you'll be able to do is manage her and she'll likely not experience significant improvements. I'm not gonna tell you what to do because it's your life and your relationship, but if after trying to discuss the situation with her and trying to find a workable solution if things are still really bad do some serious soul searching to decide if this relationship really is worth it to you. It's your decision and I won't push you toward staying or going but be prepared to ask yourself these tough questions because even if she does get treatment you still are going to have a long, hard road ahead of you because while BPD is very treatable recovery generally takes at least two years, before you see remission or at least reach a huge reduction in symptoms although you can start seeing the first improvements pretty early on.
I have a very BPD FP and I had to ask myself these hard questions and I weighed the positives and the negatives and searched deeply in my heart. For me the answer was decidely yes: I am sticking with him. But for your situation you'll have to come to your own conclusion.
Anyway it's the middle of the night. Don't worry just yet about your relationship ending. Hope is not yet lost. Try the suggestions offered here and consider reading this book: Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. It'll teach you a lot about her mind and how to get along better with her and be happier. Give it some time and see how it goes. Then decide if you wanna continue with the relationship or not.
I wish you guys the best. May you both find happiness, whether it's together or apart.
This sounds like the classic "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior of someone with borderline personality disorder. There are a lot of good resources to help people mend relationships with loved ones who have BPD. I'm on my phone. Otherwise I would do a better job of summarizing the main points, but I can really recommend the book Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075
I would recommend the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning is a great resource that will really help you start to think about the different ways that BPD might affect your relationship and, more importantly, of ways that you can utilize an understanding of BPD to improve your experience (and your partner's experience) in that relationship.
I know you said you've read about BPD in textbooks but this is quite different, and as a psychologist I'd recommend it.
I am 15 months into my ongoing healing process from the greatest loss of my life, so I'd like to share some things I've learned:
Rushing into another relationship is unsound advice, and most likely to hurt you and the next person you prematurely involve yourself with.
The best thing I can tell you is that healing from a loss is not like getting a cut on your flesh, where there is consistent and predictable healing. If healing from a physical wound is a straight line, then healing from an emotional loss is a jagged, swirling journey, where you sometimes take one step forward and 10 steps back. Don't get frustrated by these setbacks--just understand that the timetable for healing is not set, and trust in the heart's ability to heal:
"When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen. Trust the process. Surrender to it." --from "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"
Don't make any rash life-altering decisions, don't turn to drugs or alcohol (which only postpone or subvert healing), give to those who are less fortunate than you, and surround yourself with family and friends that love you unconditionally.
Here is a link to the book quoted above, which I wholeheartedly recommend:
And another I'm in the midst of reading, which, so far, is also exceptional:
This is a beautiful recounting of the Buddha's journey to understanding suffering:
And this is a pocket book available for free from the Amida Society:
For me, feeling her "fade away" from my memory was so hurtful that I would hold on to the pain to keep the memories fresh. That is not conducive to healing. What helped me was creating a document (I used Google Docs so I could update from anywhere), and whenever a sweet memory surfaced of something she did, said, or was, I would write it down. It provided a catharsis--like a treasure chest of everything she was. I no longer compulsively read it, but it is comforting to know it's there, and has definitely helped my healing process.
For the first six months of my loss, I could barely leave the house. Since I love movies, I started trying to find ones that contained people being kind to one another (they are very rare). They helped me in reconnecting to and believing in kindness again, and I found myself watching some of my favorites just to get myself to sleep at night. I compiled a few into an IMDb list:
Take care of yourself
Source: Losing my dear wife--the sweetest, kindest person I've ever known.
The question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people is one of the most difficult to answer in theology. The aptly named book When Bad Things Happen to Good People is by Rabbi Harold Kushner who was trying to find the answer to this himself after his 3 year old son was diagnosed with a degenerative disease. It's been a really long time since I've read it, but it's supposed to be a good start for how someone could find solace and comfort in a god who seemingly created the tragedy they are going through.
If you're wondering HOW to not concern yourself with things out of your control (or to stop doing so), here are some resources that have helped me a lot:
Feeling Good by David Burns
A great book by a psychiatrist. Very funny to read and a lot of very effective real world techniques to reduce stress, anger, depression, etc. Burns is very practical and down to earth, and provides scientific evidence that the techniques in the book really work.
The Work by Byron Katie
Even simpler process than what Burns provides. Very philosophical and mind blowing (which is the point). She has a ton of free audios, videos and text available.
One of my favorite teachers is Eckhart Tolle. I hated religion for a long time and he helped me understand it better and let go of my anger.
There are many others, but these have probably been the most helpful for me.
I picked up a couple of books at the library that I have been meaning to get through. Only partially started one...
Genuine Happiness: Meditation as the Path to Fulfillment, I just started this one...
And this is the other I am going to be getting to: Wherever You Go, There You Are
I, myself, am a sufferer of Anxiety and Depression. I've been diagnosed for over ten years. However, I never took steps to help myself until 3 years ago.
That being said, the things that I found that helped my Mental Well-Being the most was finding the right doctor for me, that lead me to Mindful Meditation and he helped prepare me for my weightloss and eventual journey into running.
I cannot say enough good about Mindful Meditation. It alone helped me stave off some of the worst moments in the last year or so. I started by reading a recommended book, Wherever You Go, There You Are by John Kabat-Zinn, and that lead to sessions being led by my therapist and then now it's a full solo activity I engage in multiple times weekly.
I've not had an anxiety attack in over 6 months, I can manage my stress 100% better now and this has allowed me to do many things I considered just "off limits" for me. I highly recommend it just for basic Self Care and Well-being.
I promise I'll give some specific recommendations at the end.
So, actually being able to do DBT and call it DBT is involved and fairly difficult. DBT folks (at least the bigwigs) are really big on treatment fidelity, which means faithfully reproducing what has been shown to work in their outcome research, which means a lot of resources. I'm not sure where you work and what resources you have available, but Linehan herself states that if you're not running skill groups in addition to individual therapy, along with having a treatment team for consultation, then you're not actually doing DBT. I've noticed that without all of these components present they prefer to call it "DBT-informed CBT." Just putting all of that out there for informational purposes.
That being said, you can most certainly integrate DBT concepts and techniques into your individual work, if that's what you do. It's just that there are a TON of specific skills and worksheets to choose from. It's a really involved therapy. There are many books available, but here are the ones that I've personally found useful in individual therapy and they seem to generally get favorable reviews:
DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition is straight from the source. Tons of information and reproducible handouts...almost overwhelming.
DBT Made Simple is a really good, simple (obviously) primer on basic DBT philosophies and techniques to get you started in individual work.
Doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy: A Practical Guide is really good. More in-depth than the Made Simple book and really gives a solid understanding of what to do in session.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is a solid DBT-based self-help workbook. I have recommended it to several clients and it's usually connected each time. It's a handy way for the client to think about concepts in-between sessions without it feeling like "homework" and it helps as a roadmap for therapy. Kind of acts as a little skill trainer in place of the group (I know, still not the same) since there's not enough time to focus on all of the skills in individual therapy alone. It actually works well for emotionally dysregulated clients in general, regardless of what the primary diagnosis is.
There's also a video of Marsha Linehan demonstrating DBT in session on psychotherapy.net that you may find useful. It offers CE credits as well.
I lost my younger brother to suicide almost 3 years ago and understanding still eludes me. I finally realized, the desire and effort to understand were an obstacle to healing. We don't need to understand, we just need to forgive (our loved one and oneself), be compassionate and continue to love.
This book was of great help to me: Thich Nhat Hanh - No Death, No Fear
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Can I offer you a nice book recommendation in this trying time?
I recommend the book, "Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children" (https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021)
I really appreciated this book, and we started reading it around 2 or 3 years old. I was really afraid my kids' first experience with death might have been a close relative (who has recovered), and it was important to me that we got the concept of death into the picture before we were actually in mourning.
Sorry for your loss!
We decided to teach our kids about mortality early, using the excellent book Lifetimes as supporting material. We rarely get questions about where the dead go anymore, but we would answer them as “that was their lifetime” and then talk about all the impacts that person had and all the ways we can remember and honor them. If it’s family we talk about genetics and how the departed literally live on through us.
We’re completely atheist and I understand not everyone would choose to do it the same way, so just throwing it out there in case it’s helpful.
Again so sorry for your loss.
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553344021/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_wGtUAb3S4PB0G
I'm currently in the middle of reading Fun Home by Alison Bechdel (who also writes and illustrates Dykes to Watch Out For). It's a memoir about Bechdel coming out as a lesbian while also coming to terms with her father's suicide and learning that he was a closeted homosexual. It's also a comic book, so it might be an easier read if you are dyslexic. I haven't finished the book yet so I can't wholeheartedly recommend it, but I'm enjoying it so far.
Umberto Eco's Six Walks in the Fictional Woods is a very accessible introduction to thinking about literature in a way that blends narratology and semiotics. It generally sticks pretty closely to talking about the stories he has in mind, so I wished while reading it that I'd had a copy of Gérard de Nerval's Sylvie on hand, among others.
David Lodge's The Art of Fiction used to be popular as a supplementary textbook in creative writing classes because it just uses nice examples to provide a basic language for talking about literature.
John Sutherland has a number of books intended for a general audience that either introduce basic concepts of literary criticism or that just make careful reading fun, e.g. How Literature Works, A Little History of Literature, and The Literary Detective: 100 Puzzles in Classic Fiction (an omnibus edition of the books he's probably most well known for).
Gaston Bachelard comes to mind as someone who, like Gass, is just a delight to read: The Poetics of Space, Air and Dreams, etc. I'd put some other writers writing about their personal relationships to reading in a similar category: Nicholson Baker, U and I; Virginia Woolf, A Writer's Diary; and even Alison Bechdel, Fun Home.
You should read Alison Bechdel's Fun Home. Granted, it's told through the lens of the 60's and 70's, so things might be different today, but still a very interesting story...
What's a more likely explanation, that the Book of Mormon is translated from an ancient record of a massive Hebrew civilisation in the Americas which somehow vanished without a trace given what we know about the evidence left behind by older and smaller civilisations, or that it is the product of a nineteenth century frontier American man's fastastical imagination?
What's more likely, that there is some spooky non-material "spirit" stuff that sounds like the fantastical stuff primtive people cook up to explain things that they didn't understand or couldn't cope with (oblivion), or that the human brain is capable of generating the experience of flashes of images or sequences sounds within itself, especially under extreme stress, and given that you already have experience with this property of the brain when you have dreams and nightmares, and you've probably in your line of work had to deal with all sorts of people with malfunctioning brains who have seen, and continue to see, all sorts of crazy shit they "cannot deny" because their inner mentally generated phenomena seems more real to them than whatever accurate information about the real world their senses are conveying to them.
Even so, it's can't possibly be "all for nothing". I suggest Ronald Dworkin's Religion Without God and Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death.
There are parallels with Messner's article and the work of Erik Erikson. Erikson's theory of the ego forms the foundation for Developmental Psychology. This is from a brief description of the work Erikson did. The subjects of Erikson's studies had major issues in describing their inner world.
Erikson's Eight Ages of Man
>It was while he was working with the Indians that Erikson began to note syndromes which he could not explain within the confines of traditional psychoanalytic theory. Central to many an adult Indian’s emotional problems seemed to be his sense of uprootedness and lack of continuity between his present life-style and that portrayed in tribal history. Not only did the Indian sense a break with the past, but he could not identify with a future requiring assimilation of the white culture’s. values. The problems faced by such men, Erikson recognized, had to do with the ego and with culture and only incidentally with sexual drives.
>The impressions Erikson gained on the reservations where reinforced during World War II when he worked at a veterans’ rehabilitation center at Mount Zion Hospital in San Francisco. Many of the soldiers he and his colleagues saw seemed not to fit the traditional “shell shock” or “malingerer” cases of World War I. Rather, it seemed to Erikson that many of these men had lost the sense of who and what they were. They were having trouble reconciling their activities, attitudes and feelings as soldiers with the activities, attitudes and feelings they had known before the war. Accordingly, while these men may well have had difficulties with repressed or conflicted drives, their main problem seemed to be, as Erikson come to speak of it at the time, “identity confusion.”
Messner's article has many good links-be sure to follow up on them especially to the book
I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. The link, if you're an Amazon member, will let you read a lot of the book. I highly reccomend it.
I am sooo sorry! :( I was given the book heaven is for real by a friend after our miscarriage and it brought me a indescribable sense of peace. I'd love to send you a copy if you PM me your address.
Death practice is one of the most meaningful and transformative practices I've ever done, and I recommend it to all practitioners (and all humans).
Life changes, it becomes far more meaningful and in fact real, when you realize impermanence as more than just a theoretical truth. It would be wonderful if you could keep in touch with the clarity and meaning that came with this experience, and not let it just fade away with the onslaught of mundane life. This requires mindfulness of death — not only the idea that some day you will die, but the intimately felt reality of how precarious our life is, how difficult is its support and how easy and unpredictable its decline — combined with daily recognition of what you call the "bigger picture", the tremendously precious opportunity and potential of our living moments.
Traditional Zen itself often hearkens to impermanance, and using awareness of death to spur on practice. Among other possibilities (in Buddhism) for coming to terms with death are: Four Thoughts That Turn The Mind To Dharma; Nine-Point Contemplation On Death; Meditation On Dissolution Of The Elements At Death; and Mindfulness Of The 32 Constituents Of The Body.
Other possibilities include writing and art practice on the theme of death, talking with others about death (Death Cafés are popular in many cities), and taking on projects that repeatedly ground you in the reality of impermanence (such as 'Death Cleaning', writing your will and living will, and visioning the coming years).
I also highly recommend being with old, infirm, and dying people as you train in compassion and mindfulness. This also brings forth a much more meaningful expression of meditation practice than just getting some good abilities for oneself. It's when you can use mental stability, equanimity, and kindness to serve others — or just to enjoy some precious time together — that they become real happiness.
We all have a new lease on life, whether we know it or not. May we use it well.
Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond: An amazing look at how civilization was formed
On Killing by Dave Grossman: If your characters kill anyone, know what it will do to them
*edit: Hero of a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell: You think Eragon is a rip off of Star Wars, or that Star Wars is a rip off of Jesus, or that Jesus is a rip off of some obscure norwegan god, find out the true origins of just about everything you have ever read and find out why Harry Potter had to die and had to come back from the dead!
On Killing is a pretty good one that talks about how soldiers have adapted through the ages to overcome the aversion to killing. A bunch of the 12B's in my platoon were reading it and I didn't even know they could read.
On Killing by army psychologist Lt. Col. Dave Grossman. Scary title I know, but this is one of the few books that has ever made me feel better about humanity.
>This is extremely key. If any such loosely affiliated people clinging to this one term (ancap) is going to progress, distinct and close knit groups must form around different sets of ideological values. This is why, in its current state, violence in the name of ancapism makes no sense. There is no unified goal, no unified definition of terms even.
>This is an interesting paradox I have been trying to think through. Lets say you have an ancap territory. You want people to interact peacefully and whatnot. However, in the real world you need "nasties". You need people who can assassinate, kill, spy, and destroy your enemies.
>The solution seems to be ideology. Similar to the idea of Jihad, or "war" where under certain circumstances these things are OK, but in others they are not. The killers need to be indoctrinated to understand the different instances in which certain methods are permitted. I don't think it is that hard to leave the battle field and reintegrate otherwise there would be a whole lot more violence here in the US and in the countries that jihadists come from.
The best work I've read on this is 'On Killing' by Lt. Col. David Grossman. I'm not a military man, but someone who's been an officer or an enlisted leader can comment on whether or not they think it's a good book. This is a big problem, but according to American military thinkers, the American military has been better at training these kinds of killers than even the Prussian professional military of the 19th century as measured by willingness for units to fire on human targets with intent to kill.
This is a really hard problem that requires strong institutions to cultivate. I'm going off memory because I sold the book, but the person that the military attempts to train is the 'virtuous psychopath,' meaning someone who kills without hesitation while following the strictures and values embodied by the broader organization. Is this a sensible goal? Has it been achieved? I'm not sure. My sense is kinda-but-not-really. Any impressive innovations at the tactical level in the American military are greatly overwhelmed by the permanent strategic retardation of the political leadership -- namely that it's continually fighting wars with no solid justification, killing people for no purpose, without reference to the cost.
That book is all about that problem specifically and how the modern American military has attempted to solve it: conditioning people to be killers within the bounds of the law and the structure of command.
There are also of course thousands of years of accumulated material on this topic, and I'm unqualified to survey it in a way that would satisfy my standards. This is an extremely hard problem whether you go about it from either religious or secular means. The societies that solve this problem better than others are the ones that thrive.
Are jihadis really good at this? They're pretty terrible when you think about it. In Syria, they're an irregular mob. They behead people in public, burn folks alive, rape women, and slaughter civilians pushed up against walls with automatic weapons fire. When the mujaheddin entered power in Afghanistan, after long preparation as mountain-fighters, rapers of prisoners of war, and religious fanatics, they proceeded to institute a backwards theocracy. That isn't the sort of professional martial elite that knows how to stand aside and give civilians room to build up property and flourish. That very idea of a prosperous civilian society is utterly foreign to their way of thinking. That's not why men are on this earth from their perspective.
War never ends for them, even if jihad is over. And it's hard to end jihad against the Soviets when there's other targets worthy of jihad out there.
As American military standards have become more lax, and standard atrocities like torture have become acceptable, policing has become more brutal and war-like. This shows the great danger in permitting discipline to lapse within the military, and with the promotion of wonton war for no strategic purpose. The previous legal standards of limited war between European states promoted civilization for this reason. Unfortunately, the Americas have never been terribly civilized.
Been loving the responses so far! My own preferences have been changing, and I've been reading a lot more non-fiction than I used to. It has really opened the doors to a lot of books I would not have considered reading before!
On my reading list:
The Unthinkable by Amanda Ripley - this is what I'm almost finished with now. It has been a really insightful read on how little prepared society is for disasters, and the steps we should take to help fix that.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - I've seen this mentioned on reddit a few times and it's in the same vein as the book I'm currently reading.
Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry
The Lean Startup by Eric Ries - I'm currently working in the startup industry, and have read similar books to this.
The Hard Thing About Hard Things by Ben Horowitz - same as the book above. This is currently going around my office right now so I should be reading it soon!
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. - this was recommended to me by a friend when he learned I was reading The Unthinkable and The Gift of Fear. Honestly really looking forward to reading this one!
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society
Books I'd recommend:
Blink by Malcom Gladwell - all about the subconscious mind and the clues we pick up without realizing it. Pretty sure reading this book has helped me out in weird situations.
Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future by Ashlee Vance - amazing read about how Elon Musk works and the person he is.
The Circle by Dave Eggers - just don't watch the movie :)
Actually, Dave Grossman did a more comprehensive study & analysis as per his book "On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society", and it does show a lot of the same stuff. He does say that the WWII study is not beyond reproach though, you are right. But there's something to it If I remember well.
I think you're trying to refer to John Money and the Reimer case. (Link is to a book about the case and Dr. Money's influence on gender studies/identity politics and I highly recommend it.) Basically that case, among some work by Dr. Milton Diamond, led to the conclusion that there is some inevitable "nature" aspect to the determination of gender, whether it corresponds with biological sex or not.
I appreciate that you acknowledge not knowing much about certain groups and reaching out to understand them, as I often find myself in the same position. I wish more people thought that way.
There was a book written about him, called "As Nature Made Him".
> The problem is that these individuals did not adjust to their prescribed gender as predicted. All of the social conditioning, which included their surgically altered bodies, was not enough. There are a few decently brief, but appropriately in depth docs on this if you search around. The confusion and distress these people felt over a lifetime is not to be underestimated. Imagine being a guy or girl, and being raised your whole life in the opposite category, and even with different genetalia. Then one day you find out that you were born different, and had your genitals mutilated without your consent, and kept in the dark about it. It can be a long and confusing road to self acceptance and balance in life.
See: As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl by John Colapinto for a particularly heartbreaking true story about this sort of thing.
It's been done. The results were not pretty.
People are nuts on this issue. There is no medical reason to remove the foreskin of a baby. none whatsoever. Everyone should read the story of David Reimer, which is where I learned about the history of routine infant circumcision and that it's pointless.
Don't worry about finding a tradition, usually it finds you...
The first book I ever read on Buddhism was The Buddha's Ancient Path by Piyadassi Thera, which I found in my university library and I think is a very good introduction to Theravada.
Shortly after, I read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. This book, although originally written in English, has proved so popular I've heard it is actually now being translated into Tibetan. In any case it is a good introduction to Tibetan Buddhism, and the Nyingma tradition in particular.
You may want to consider doing some online correspondence course if that appeals to you. Look around for something you like, but I strongly recommend Geshe Tashi Tsering's Foundation of Buddhist Thought, which covers the basics of the four noble truths, the major tenet systems, some pramana and abhidharma, bodhicitta, madhyamaka and tantra. It has teachings from Geshe Tashi, textbooks for each module, a reading list, essay assignments and online discussion groups.
Awesome. It sounds like you have a fulfilling life. Would you say you do? Do you have children?
Also, have you read this? http://www.amazon.com/The-Tibetan-Book-Living-Dying/dp/0062508342
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - Sogyal Rinpoche.
The Tibetan Book of the Dead, no. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, on the other hand...
There are some scathing reviews in there. Especially the one where he's talking about levitation.
I have to say that I don't completely disagree with some of the reviewers' complaints. Lama Surya Das is a decent writer in my opinion, and the book is entertaining. But as others have said, it really is more of an autobiography. And while he has led an interesting life, this is not why I originally read the book. He definitely tries to put a "Western spin" on Buddhism, and this is obviously because westerners are his target audience. But what winds up being produced is a new-age self-help kind of book.
If you are interested, my top 4 recommendations for easy to read, entertaining books that cover some different aspects/sects of Buddhism (in order of my personal preference) are as follows:
As I said, those are my personal favorites and will give you a good look at some of the major Buddhist traditions.
In Achilles in Vietnam: Combat Trauma and the undoing of moral character, Dr. Jonathan Shay examines the additional situational elements that are predictors of the likelihood an individual will develop PTSD.
LtCol Grossman has also written on this subject in On Combat and On Killing.
Shared experience, supportive debriefing, command climate, fatigue level, witness to/participation in crimes or atrocities, cover-ups, moral conflict, relationship to wounded/killed... all of these things shape the experience.
A well-trained warrior may have no regrets or disturbances at having killed numerous enemy troops or even losing comrades if he was well cared for and supported by his command and unit.
But an under-prepared & overly fatigued warrior who saw injured children, or was involved in actions that terrorized civilians, while a member of an abusive command and separated from his buddies may experience moderate to even severe PTSD.
There is much more to PTSD than the volume of fire to which one was exposed or the MOS and duty assignment that may be reflected in paper records.
The first time I saw it was on the cover of [On Killing] (http://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1325109423&amp;sr=8-1). It's an incredible book which talks about the psychological effect that killing and learning to kill has on people. The author does get a little preachy about video game violence, but aside I highly, highly recommend it.
You should read the book On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society by Lt. Dave Grossman. It might help somewhat.
That is not cheaper unfortunately. The person pulling the trigger still has to live with that guilt. https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
Hanging still sucks. I honestly don't think there is a way to perform an execution without the psychological costs associated. Not to mention the possible therapy required for the person who enacted the execution.
No book will prepare you for law enforcement, it has to be touched, smelled, heard, and seen. If you're already a cop then the best thing you can do to be better is to be a well rounded human being and books can help with that.
Here's the recommended reading from some of the prior threads I was able to find in the sub.
I've read a good portion of the above listed. I highly recommend Emotional Survival and going to see one of Gilmartin's talks if he's in your area. Below are a few of my personal suggestions.
Jeff Cooper created a "color code" to help people in potentially dangerous situations get into a fighting mindset. The system has since been bastardized to instead represent different levels of vigilance or situational awareness to potential threats and is now in widespread use among military, law enforcement, and self defense communities.
Condition White is where most people are most of the time--completely unaware of changes in the environment around them. If you're staring at your phone, have your headphones in, or are otherwise engrossed in work or leisure you're in Condition White and you're probably gonna die if an active killer shows up.
Condition Yellow is where an alert and aware person is when they haven't detected any specific threats. You're head comes up when someone enters the room or moves into your line of sight. Condition Yellow is where you ideally want to spend most of your time.
Condition Orange is the point where you've identified something specific that might be a threat, but you aren't completely sure yet. Something unusual has caught your attention and you are now consciously paying attention to it (example would be two men entering a store late at night with masks covering their faces--not necessarily dangerous, but it very well might be) and looking for pre-attack indicators. This is the point when you'll start moving to a more tactically advantageous position (either to run or to fight). Normalcy bias will prevent many people from ever reaching Condition Orange.
Staying in Condition Orange creates burnout very quickly, and you want to identify whether or not what you noticed is actually a threat so that you can move back to Condition Yellow or escalate into Condition Red (as appropriate).
Condition Red is the point where you have confirmed an imminent threat and the object of your attention is now a potential target. You are either drawing your weapon or running the fuck away.
Some people have also added a Condition Black, which can refer to either the moment you actually attack, the aftermath of the situation, or a number of other things.
If you want to learn more about the subject I highly recommend the books The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker and On Killing by Dave Grossman.
you sound young a naive, not receiving or perhaps accepting the respect and acknowledgment of your families love - not realizing it yet, that love of the self and life. Really loving life. Maybe because you have not come close to death, I mean really close to cold, dark, death. More so, you sound like all fresh and stupid young boys do right when they leave high school; assured of their understanding of the world, an understanding that drastically changes every three to five years. Until one day, thirty years from now you look back and say, "I knew nothing when I was young". It's then that you realize this was all a feeling. One long feeling you had, that lasted days and years, as time seemed to slip by so painfully slow. Where a gut feeling of needed mobility took over and forced your fate into a position that only forgiveness and toughing it out can save for. A feeling of longing; Longing for adventure and a chance to prove oneself - a man's journey or hero quest. This feeling in men (and women) has been known since ancient times, only they had positive ways of promoting such innate human drives. Today, we have fraternities and the military, the factory or gangs. All shadow concepts of masculinity, all captivities shaded in brotherhood and silly concepts of sacrifice.
This is what the US military hopes for, besides all the other young and stupid children who knocked up a girlfriend and need money, or inner city kids who need a direction outside of gang life. The world you live in has been designed this way. To take the poor and wanting, and to place them in the machine. You're not going to fight for freedom, that fight belongs at a poll, and in protest, in letters to senators and special interest groups. The only freedom you'll find toting a gun in some foreign land is the same freedom men from constitutional nations always find, a small stipend to spend while corporations colonize foreign markets and people who would never sit by you at a table bank on your ignorance and hard work. You will be yelled at and broken, all for bits of ribbon or a tab. Told you're finally a man now, that you have found discipline, that you gained 'leadership skills'. All the while these traits were inside you, never on the outside, waiting to be emboldened and brought out of you; waiting for a moment of maturity and expression.
The only thing you seek in the military is a chance at expression, for something that is already there, just waiting for an outlet. If you don't want to die, don't be a soldier. If you're patriotic, then your nearest fight for liberty is at home against corruption and greed. If you want to be a man, become one of peace - because I assure you wholeheartedly, there are plenty of ex soldiers who are now men in pieces. Broken, berated and disturbed by the horrors that is war and a tighter bottom line.
Coast guard, if you must. But remember, all your life you will be searching for some semblance of inner peace, and that will never be found holding a weapon.
Works to consider: http://www.amazon.com/King-Warrior-Magician-Lover-Rediscovering/dp/0062506064
This book http://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1421777837&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=on+killing goes into a good bit of detail on the subject. Eye opening read for sure for those of us fortunate enough to not have to deal with having been in that situation. I think the author is mixed in terms of reception in the services but I thought it was quite a read.
> The problem is how much easier guns make killing. Pulling the trigger on a gun doesn't seem very violent in itself, even though the chain of events that follows are. On the other hand, stabbing someone is extremely violent and much harder, both physically and mentally.
This is false, actually. People hit and club easily, but the hesitation to shoot and stab are about equal. This is based on centuries of observing soldiers in combat; very early on they noticed that the soldiers were mostly shooting to miss. It isn't until you move up to crew operated weapons, like artillery and belt fed machine guns, that that hesitation starts to melt away.
Check out On Killing by Dave Grossman. A lot of good insights on the subject.
Without even looking at any of the "Vidja Games are Ebil" shit coming out of The White House recently, I knew Fucking Col Grossman was involved.
It's not just these days though. He was pretty prominent all through the 90s and 2000s with his anti-video game crusade. He's pretty much the driving force of it.
It's kind of a bummer too, because his first book was actually really interesting when I was a young soldier.
I was an enlisted soldier working in Army mental health (loved by few, hated by many), so I'm sorry I can't give you any tips on the training pipeline for officers. However, I can answer some questions about what type of work you're going to do.
Standard reading in my unit was On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society. I've seen some of the raw data questioned in military forums, but the overall book is still good.
I've talked to countless people who have killed and this book describes the psychological impact of it. There is also a brief history of the training techniques that the military has used to squelch our instinct to not kill others. Very interesting overall.
Hey there. So I wanted to reply to your statement and maybe compare your research experience to my field experience, and maybe expand a little bit on some of the points you made, or refuted.
BTW, I don't know anything about your background other than your writing here, so please don't misconstrue what I say as a judgment on you or our experiences. My perspective comes from 8 years as a US Army soldier, with a few overseas tours, and 4 years as a LEO.
I think a good insight into the original OP's comments is LTC Dave Grossman's book On Killing. Grossman breaks down his own research into the killing impulse, conditioning, and how killing affects the individual's psyche. I would recommend reading both of his books (On Killing and On Combat) if you haven't done so already.
Although I'm not really qualified to speak to the vast socio-cultural implications of large-scale conflicts (you mention that "War is a contest of wills"), I can talk a little about the process of getting one person to kill another without creating massive psychological trauma. (FYI, my experience is US centric, so I'm not remotely qualified to opine on the traditions of other countries.)
Paramount to this process is the concept of "dehumanizing" the enemy. Common slurs used to refer to the enemy throughout our history (kraut, charlie, hajji, raghead, VC, sand-nigg*r, japs, chinks, etc) exist as a way to dehumanize the enemy, making them much easier to kill from a psychological perspective. Humans, as a default, are social creatures. From an evolutionary standpoint, any true violence between groups is a threat to their survival, hence the prevalence of posturing, ceremonial battles, proxy fighting, etc.
I think it may be helpful to step away from a discussion that centers around "soldiers vs warriors" and focus more specifically, and fundamentally, on "humans that can kill without suffering crippling emotional trauma vs humans who can't." If we recognize that basic distinction, then we can begin identifying the underlying characteristics that separate these groups from one another.
The main traits trained into a group of individuals that are expected to kill another person as part of their duties (military, law enforcement, etc) are:
I think it would be fair to say that many people can exhibit one of these behaviors, but the application of all of these together requires extensive training in desensitization, stress-response control, and muscle memory.
Killing is an unnatural state of affairs for most people, especially in our fairly evolved social behavior models. That is not to say that people are incapable of violence when presented with no other choice; and also not to imply that there are way more confounding factors than can be explored in a Reddit comment (mental illness, cultural tendencies, extreme hunger/poverty/trauma, etc). But I think it is important to recognize the common threads that tie violent acts together.
I'm definitely not going to try and refute every single point you've made, since
I just read an article that contradicts much of what I've read on the topic (and what I've said here!), but the argument is still quite heated and lively.
So, anyhow, this is my opinion, and I'm glad we can discuss this openly. Cheers!
^(BTW I love your writing.)
I'm going to recommend this book:
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society from Dave Grossman
The book is based on SLA Marshall's studies from World War II, which proposed that contrary to popular perception, the majority of soldiers in war do not ever fire their weapons and that this is due to an innate resistance to killing. Based on Marshall's studies the military instituted training measures to break down this resistance and successfully raised soldier's firing rates to over ninety percent during the war in Vietnam.
Grossman points out that there are great psychological costs that weigh heavily on the combat soldier or police officer who kills if they are not mentally prepared for what may happen; if their actions (killing) are not supported by their commanders and/or peers; and if they are unable to justify their actions (or if no one else justifies the actions for them).
Edit: spelling and formatting
I won't push any guns on you(look at my flair if you want to know what I carry.) Do not walk into a shop and just buy a gun. Go to a range and rent guns, go with a friend that owns guns, ask everybody you can what their opinion on their guns are. If at any time someone seems emotional while bashing a brand then stop listening to them. I don't buy Glock because they don't feel right in my hand, but it is still one of the most popular guns because it is reliable. Find what works for you and then buy.
Hickok45 - He is great. He uses a wide variety of guns and ammo and he has a few episodes where he compares guns.
Massad Ayoob - One of if not the best in the business. Read anything and everything you can find from him.
Shoot to Live(1/8)
Judicious use of Force(1/2)
Make the time to watch these videos and the rest in each series. These are mobile YouTube links if they don't work for you I will edit them when I get to a computer.
Lt. Col. Dave Grossman Get his books and read them.
Storage Where is your gun going to be when not in its holster? All of my pistols are in a safe.
Home Defense Handguns aren't the best for home defense because of the possibility of shooting friendlies and bystanders through walls. Think about shotguns for that.
Holster and Placement I have a Crossbreed Supertuck for my .45 and a Galco basic ankle holster for my .380. If you know people that own and carry you could ask them if you can try their holster/gun combo around their house(unloaded.) At ranges or shops ask what others use and why. There are multiple places you can carry a gun(shoulder, pocket, ankle, hip.) The hip has the most variety because you have your whole waist for placement as well as looking at inside the waistband(IWB) and outside the waistband(OWB.)Look them up and practice drawing from those areas. What feels more natural? Sidenote: If you carry in your pocket then buy a pocket holster. It blocks the trigger guard so nothing(pens or keys) pulls the trigger while its in your pocket.
Ammo Certain guns can shoot any brand others can not. Buy a box of each brand in the caliber you end up getting. Do some research first! Some brands straight up suck. Pick out the weeds and try what's left. While practicing use basic ball ammo. When carrying you should be using hollow points. These will add stopping power and help lessen the chance of over penetration.
Laws Look up your local laws. Learn them and memorize them. Ignorance is not an excuse and you will get charged for breaking laws. Find a local attorney that does cases involving guns(self defense or accidental discharge.) You don't need to put them on retainer but get their card so if something ever happens you can call a lawyer that knows what they are doing.
Mindset, On Combat, On Killing, by Grossman. Also Leadership and Training for the Fight: Using Special Operations Principles to Succeed in Law Enforcement, Business, and War by Paul Howe.
As far as tactics go, get yourself some hands on training, depending where you are, you may have "tactical" instructors close that can put together a class.
Wherever You Go There You Are, by John Kabat-Zinn is a great book on the art of meditation. It helps you to be aware of yourself as you go through the day.
I'm pretty sure it was this one.
I totally understand your rant. I have been in the same situation hugs. I recommend this book http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912 and possibly a therapist who specializes in anxiety.
and this book: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-Mindfulness-ebook/dp/B0037B6QSY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1394415608&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=wherever+you+go+there+you+are
Also, it helped me to do something that actually made me happy. Its hard when you are sort of just going to school and working because you aren't really living in the present.
When I used to live in a warm climate near the beach...that really helped because it was somewhere I loved to go and loved to be and I actually felt fulfilled. I'm stuck in frozen college land right now and I can't wait until I graduate.
I had a similar situation with my ex a few years ago. If it comes to that, this book actually helped me keep perspective. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0931580439/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1367624883&amp;sr=8-2&amp;pi=SL75
Best of luck.
I'm not trying to plug religion but this book helped me through some shit.
you are not in a marriage, you are in a horrible situation
“Oh yeah? Well I don’t see many men knocking down your door.”
this is his reflection of his own inadequacies he is a loser and knows it
buy this book move on with your life. it changed mine in about 2 hours (https://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four-Questions-Change/dp/1400045371)
This...shit therapist. Period.
Couple of suggestions from a professional working adult with adhd.
Mindfulness is NOT a panacea. It has been shown in small studies (mobile at the moment so no link) to have beneficial effects to both the adhd particpants and their extended relationships.
A small quote that sums up the practice of Mindfulness that I just ran across this morning "breathing is the act of stringing moment together mindfully".
This is a book which does a good job of making the practices in the small scale studies available. It is methodical if a little tedious. Remember, mindfulness doesn't take "practice" it is practice. However, this book may be useful.
The second book is by a doctor who is related to the notion of mindfulness as a remedy. Kabat-Zinn is an early adopter off the notion that mindfulness CAN help people. He wrote http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787 and it is a wonderfully simple approach to the idea and moment by moment practice of Mindfulness.
Rest assured, it's sometimes a challenge for adhd people to learn then practice, but it is an important element of treatment that when combined with exercise and proper therapy, allows us to self manage more effectively.
You can do this. But it does take work and effort. Maybe these other resources can help.
I have on my bedside table a few things I read everyday.
I also journal and actually practice mindfulness meditation on a daily basis.
I don't follow any spiritual or religious paths (I'm not a Buddhist or anything).
I recommend Wherever You Go, There You Are and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. They're about meditation and mindfulness to reduce stress.
I'm currently in Monk Mode myself. I'm probably only going for at most a 3mo. term at this (Started Dec. 1st). It sounds like you have a good plan. I'm focusing on the following things:
For learning to cook I highly recommend this book.
For addressing approach anxiety I recommend The Rules of the Game.
This is an excellent book on habit change. (OP this is how you start to break down those "masturbatory" habits)
Also, Monk Mode is basically an exercise in stoicism. This book is awesome.
Since you'll have plenty of time to read here are some other Books I recommend:
"No More Mr. Nice Guy"
"Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty"
"The Talent Code"
"Man's Search for Meaning"
Final thoughts OP. 6 months is definitely a worthy goal however studies show that 90 days is usually what it takes to create new habits and routines. You have to be consistent though. Just food for thought.
(Edit: I suck at formatting)
The only thing that seems unclear to me is how your physical energy may be interacting with your mental energy. Lethargy and lack of energy is something that is often accompanied with feelings of depression but the way you're describing it, it seems more that you're just tired and don't have much time due to your schedule. That is very different from the former!
There's no one solution, but one growing field that I am very interested in is mindfulness. It's basically a totally new way of relating to your own thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental and kind way. It has a lot of therapeutic applications, but it also has a physical component including yoga and lots of meditation. It's something that will take time and months of practice and training, but once you do...countless people have stated it's totally changed their lives and how they perform activities and respond to stress, and even feeling like they have freed up more time to do things. It's very interesting.
I can recommend a starting book, by the father of mindfulness himself: Jon Kabat-Zinn
I did a 6 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course last year which covered a number of different relaxation and meditation practices and I find it helpful to mix them up; they include body scans, yoga and sitting meditation.
Here as some of the recommended books from the course
Wherever You There Are
There is a whole series of talks and practices available for free @
BTW, this is my first post to stopdrinking - sober for 12 days
I've found books by John Kabat-Zinn to be very helpful - Full Catastrophe Living http://www.amazon.com/Full-Catastrophe-Living-Wisdom-Illness/dp/0385303122 and Wherever You Go There You Are - http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-ROUGH/dp/1401307787/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1239627287&amp;sr=1-1
"Wherever You Go" has more references to traditional Buddhism.
I found "Whereever you go there you are" by John Kabat-Zinn very helpful for managing stress and depression: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787
https://www.amazon.com/DBT%C2%AE-Skills-Training-Manual-Second/dp/1462516998/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1549169977&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=marsha+linehan+dbt+workbook Marsha's book. I always thought it was the main book upon which DBT is based. That's how it's presented in the groups I've been to at least.
There's a therapy called DBT. You can buy the book from Amazon (there's a manual and a workbook most people recemmend from Dr. Linehan). but here's a pdf that someone from this group linked up (can't recall who or I'd give them daps) that looks like a nice overview and it's free wooo lol. Learning about this therapy has given me soooo much hope. I hope it does the same for you!
If you buy this book, you can get all the pdfs from the workbook for free through Guilford Press.
I haven't read this one, but it seems to be the recommended book if you want to learn more about DBT conceptualization.
Big fat internet <hugz!> to you, sweetie! I know how it felt when it was me...
I lost my ex-husband (and father of our son) a decade ago; we ended up better as friends than partners. After all this time, I still get choked up once in awhile. Sometimes it'll be a song or the smell of his brand of deodorant or the fact that our son has his hands and eyes and hair. I recently found my stash of all the letters he wrote me when we were dating, and I was just a pile of goo for the evening.
But it does get easier. Life goes on, and it isn't a sin to be happy when he isn't here. I recommend this book as an excellent guide for anyone who's grieving.
Lots of good advice here. I will add Thich Nhat Hanh as a good person to listen to for meditation and mindfulness practice guidance. No Death No Fear looks like a good book, too.
Again, everything you are saying about your job and Alaska is what is making you unhappy. Not your job and Alaska per se, but your views that you expressed in that paragraph.
> I cant afford therapy.
Good news! You can do REBT exercises by yourself. Can you afford to spend $10 on a book that'll teach you how? (The shipping is probably a bit pricey if you're having it sent to Alaska, but it'll still be much cheaper than a therapy session.)
And yeah, I know the title sounds like a bullshit self-help book. It's not. Trust me, the title is by far the worst thing about the book.
Regarding your own death:
Check out Irvin Yalom’s book on the subject. The main argument is Epicurus’ argument: “Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not. All sensation and consciousness ends with death and therefore in death there is neither pleasure nor pain. The fear of death arises from the belief that in death, there is awareness.”
Regarding the death of people close to you:
It’s a traumatic event but keep in mind that this is something that most people will experience in their lifetime. It’s normal that most people will lose their parents. So it’s not something that only you will have to face. It’s part of what makes us human. Loss is part of life.
I really like this book:
It's non-religious. Talks about how everything that lives has a beginning, middle, and end. Plants, animals, humans, everything.
I'm very sorry for your loss! It's not about losing a parent, specifically, but to answer your question, Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children is a very helpful book, even for younger kids. I hope you find some good resources!
I'm so sorry for your loss.
If you need a book to share with her about death in general, I can highly recommend the book, "Lifetimes". It is simple enough to read to all ages, though I choked up the first few times I read it to my kids, and there weren't even any recent deaths in our family at that time.
I say pick her up and let her say goodbye. I remember my parents would always put down my pets behind my back, I'd always get so upset that I didnt say bye. This is also a good book (non-religious too if that matters) explaining death using animals.
i dont really know in which direction you are going fore
For music and kind of a gay scene:
A cool one about a lesbian women trying to analyse her fathers suicide (and homosexual tendencies)
I've noticed a few on my library shelves, but haven't read them all yet:
Fun Home by Alison Bechdel. It's Bechdel's memoir about her father, and an excellent read. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0618871713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_zF8HzbJGXQY79
The Lives of Sacco and Vanzetti by Rick Geary. It covers a milestone legal case in 20th century US. https://www.amazon.com/Lives-Vanzetti-Treasury-Century-Murder/dp/1561639362
Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud. It's a text on the nature of comics, in graphic novel form. It's a classic. https://www.amazon.com/dp/006097625X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_sO8HzbDMZF7EJ
The Book of Genesis, illustrated by R. Crumb. He illustrated the entire text of this book of the bible. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0393061027/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_8U8HzbZBERQNM
And here's a good list from The Atlantic Monthly: https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/08/comic-books-as-journalism-10-masterpieces-of-graphic-nonfiction/243351/ (I've read and enjoyed a couple of these titles, so I feel safe in assuming the others are just as good)
[Breaks through wall]
HAVE I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU! Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic is a comic I have yet to read, but am suggesting it because I'm a bit obsessed with the musical adaption (which is just called Fun Home and is 100% worth looking into!). I have to throw it out here.
The author, Alison Bechdel, has other comics too! Here are some of them.
You mean like this?
My book list focus both on theme and authors. Obviously I went through a pretty depressed phase (hence all the deeply brooding novels). Still, I think that these female authors gave me a sense of empowerment in my young age by the sheer genius of their work. It was refreshing to read books by women I admired as well as for themes I was interested in.
And the book that taught me the most about sexuality and my body?
In defense of this book, I am not poly-amorous. I really think every female should read it. Great advice on overcoming jealousy, loving your body, and enjoying your sexuality.
Did you quit your medication working together with your doc? It is not recomended to quit "alone".
It took me some years actually to feel that my head was "functioning" again. But - I have Bechterev as well - and with physical pain I have learned that the more I focus on it - the more colours of the pain I experience.
Things do take time. I didn't even have a morning erection for some years - and I guess you don't wanna know - but now I wake up in a small Tipi every morning :)
If you are bioplar then quitting bipolar meds will not remove it. What medication did you take and what is your plan now?
Please contact your doctor and have a sit down. Explain why you didn't like the meds - it usually take some time before you find the right mix!
Have you read this book?
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
Have you read An Unquiet Mind by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison yet? She is one of the most well known clinical psychologists and actually helped author the main medical reference books for the inner workings of the disorder. She is also a patient and still struggles with BP1. The book covers her discovery/diagnosis, reluctance to Lithium therapy, and some very well described manic episodes direct from the horse's mouth.
It's totally cool and you can rant as much as you want :)
I feel lucky, the third anti psychotic drug I tried worked really well for me. I function normally when I take it, the entire world isn't watching me anymore and my next door neighbours isn't trying making elaborate plots to ruin my life or kill me anymore.
You should read this book, really. I read it because of my interest in mental conditions after going through the worst years of my own psychological trials.
I hope everything works out for you, really do!
There's a lot of literature available these days;
These three come to mind, the most frequently recommended ones. I've read the first one and it explains a lot of how someone who suffers from BP I (or manic-depressive illness) leads his or her life.
Other than that, reading about other People's Experience that have lived and live with this illness may prove helpful as well. You can find a lot of very useful insight into what bipolar disorder really implies in this subrredit.
Finally, above all, take your time to listen to her, truly do, and do your best to understand what is going through her mind. We experience very complicated feelings and emotions, incredibly extreme at times, so be aware of that. This doesn't mean we are crazy though, it only means we are more "sensitive", if you will, which means being understanding, compassionate, loving and caring play a huge role in a relationship.
You'll catch the drift quickly enough, trust me, and then it'll be just like any other relationship, with the possible hiccup here and there.
Few people care to understand this illness, glad you're doing so. An example to follow, if I may.
> Have read hundreds of books in the self help and eastern philosophy category, but these days they don't do anything for me.
It's very low quality literature.
Sounds like you would like Martha Nussbaum, she is a very well respected scholar and has written a lot on the Ancient philosophy (ethics mostly), including stoicism (somewhat critically) - in a manner that is also relevant for the person living today. I am thinking of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
> Would like to read something that was written by people who were severely depressed or overcame tragedy.
Then you should probably look at autobiographies or empirical research into depression (1, 2, the author is a clinical psychologist). Philosophy is aiming at maximally objective, reason based interpretation and argument, not interpretation of the past ethical theories based on their personal feelings.
Edit: also, I haven't read this myself, however, it crossed my mind as something that might interest you.
I found that book to be really good. I have a printed copy. Another one that is an interesting read is
Unquiet Mind written by one of the leaders in bipolar Kay Jamison who is actually someone diagnosed with bp and in the medical community. It discusses her coming to reality she has bp and how it impacted her life
An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
Not a guide for coping with bipolar, but a well-written memoir from a woman with the disorder. I found it to be relatable/helpful.
I would recommend reading the book The Denial of Death. It will help you understand your mind, it goes through child psychology as well as existential philosophy. The things you feel are pretty natural once you have seen through the illusion society helped you construct as a child.
Turn your passive nihilism into active nihilism. Create things you want, even if you don't know the everlasting point or meaning in what you're creating, it'll have some short term point and meaning to you.
I have never met a happy passive nihilist.
I'm not sure anyone has a real good way of coping with the fact they are going to die, mainly because no one living has ever experienced it. Rather, I choose to focus on living, on making the most of this tiny little life I'm a part of now. The thought of death still brings me terror, I don't want to die, period. When I hear someone say they've accepted death, they're not anxious about it, I immediately right them off as either a phony or someone with absolutely no self-awareness.
Basically, stop trying to cope with death and start focusing on creating what you experience as a meaningful life!
Consider watching the fantastic documentary Flight From Death: The Quest for Immortality, it changed my perspective immensely. Also, Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death is fucking mind blowing.
If you aren't ready to talk to someone, you might like the book I Don't Want To Talk About It by Terrence Real Amazon link to book
It discusses EXACTLY what you've been through, and gives you an outside perspective, and is about making YOU better.
My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but my dad's dad was. And it's something my dad carried with him as an adult, and passed down to me.
You can get better. You can be better. You probably aren't thinking about much of a future right now, but you'll want to learn about hot to stop the cycle from being passed to your own son in the future.
If you don't have the money for the book PM me your details and I'll send you a copy.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you're very caring to reach out to try to find ways to help him.
I had this too growing up, parents screaming at each other all the time. It resulted in me suppressing my own emotions and always working as the peacekeeper in the house between my own parents. And part of the problem was that it made me extremely passive aggressive in dealing directly with them because I didn't want to provoke their anger. So my own needs got completely buried and over time I found i couldn't even figure out what I wanted or felt in many situations.
I'm really glad you're doing couple's therapy because anger can be viewed as a growing pain in a relationship. If you guys can figure this out it will make your relationship even stronger. The problem is the anger pushes you apart. So you want to find ways to communicate that help him alleviate the anger and bring you closer together through sharing and mutual understanding. The best way to do that I have found is in Getting Together and Staying Together. Even if just one of you reads it it can help.
It sounds like he needs talk therapy too but I know it's not easy getting someone to go on their own. So if he'll consider it, there's the book I Don't Want to Talk About It. It's in audiobook format too so he could listen to it from his phone while driving or while at home. It's specifically about depression but the focus is how the author's dad was terrible at sharing how he feels. And so he (the author) becomes a psychologist and writes this book about what he learned about his dad in the process of becoming a practicing clinician. So I though it might help sort through some of those things for your husband too. He could listen to it on his own and doesn't have to reveal anything deep to "a shrink." He should have a box of tissue nearby because some of it is pretty personal. But it's extremely cathartic and might help.
There's also the book When Anger Hurts Your Kids with direct steps on how to parent without anger. The title sounds incriminating but it has practical advice.
But as the most practical thing, when he gets angry, ask him to go for a walk. Go for a walk around the block before he curses or raises his voice. That's one of the simple and greatest skills to learn with anger management. He has to listen to himself, inside, and start to recognize when he's getting worked up. Not when he's already fuming. But when he feels agitated, frustrated or overwhelmed by work, finances or the kids making noise. He can reduce his overall stress by not trying to control every action the kids take. Kids are kids. Let them make mistakes, and don't expect them to do everything perfectly. That's how kids learn. But he can still manage himself. So go for a walk when they're driving you crazy.
And for you two as well, you can talk through anything as long as you take breaks when he gets mad. Table the discussion. "Let's talk about this more after lunch." Or tomorrow, however long he needs to cool off. But come back to it. That's the promise. He's not going to feel neglected as long as we come back to it and pick up the discussion again. But the promise for you is he won't drop a ton of bricks on you by dumping all of his anger on you. Because you deserve to be able to manage your emotions and not be overwhelmed by his.
That's the practice. You can pause and regroup as many times as needed to get through important discussions. But pausing and taking a break is the primary skill in keeping communications going. When he gets really mad and wants to keep ranting, he should write it down. That way he remembers what is important to him but he's not taking it out on you or anyone else. Sending really long texts with anger and criticism or complaints to you doesn't count. It needs to be his journal on paper that he uses to filter himself. To record what's important but to use it so he's not transmitting so much anger to you.
Then when he's cooled off, he can use his notes to get back to the discussion but in a cool, diplomatic way. If he has a lot of stress, writing things down for that helps a lot too. Stress, anxiety, depression, all of these strong negative emotions feed anger. They keep it fueled up. So if he can lower these overall it will directly help with the anger too.
Anything that bothers him, stresses him out, keeps him awake at night, should get written in his journal, diary, notebook, whatever he's comfortable calling it. And he could take this with to the therapy sessions as concrete examples of what you guys are working on. Hope some of this helps. Hang in there!
Since you're coming from Peterson, I reaally really really recommend this book by Terrance Real. Peterson and other anti Feminists like to falsely accuse feminism of being a movement that runs against men. This book helps describe how feminist theory has been helping men overcome mental illnesses. Without people like Terrance Real, we wouldn't have had the all the discussions about mental health. Peterson doesn't give great advice for mental illness, and the main reason is that is he tells men to double downs on the traits that people associate with masculinity that are actually the most harmful to those suffering with mental health issues.
You may consider calling your dad and speaking to him about yourself and what you are experiencing. He may be able to offer you some support. I would also recommended you read this. The author has made this book available on pdf for free. It's a good start to setting healthy boundaries in your personal life. You are going to need to learn to see yourself as a unique individual and to do that you need to be able to set healthy boundaries.
I also recommended reading this book. You might be able to find a copy at the local library.
You need to move away from her though. So you can start to live your own life. And like /u/urbancowgirl79 has said you will end up cutting her out of your life. After you have established strong healthy boundaries you can decide on your own how much you will allow her in your life. Don't forget it's your life.
This shit show comes to mind, in which a brainwashed four-year-old finds an audience and his parents cash in. I can't roll my eyes hard enough.
Really wish we could just beam subjective experiences into other people. This comes so close.
Definitely agree that people are willing to die for "rational" reasons, which could be viewed form of suicide.
I fall more on the clinical side of the suicide/depression spectrum and believe that psychiatry/psychotherapy has gotten much, much better with the caveat that it does depend greatly on the performing doctor or researcher.
To be frank, I worry that people overthink/philosophize about depression instead of studying it as a science, via experiment. Testing theories around depression out in a compassionate manner is a fantastic goal. Please, please get information about the medical aspects of depression and medical opinions from the last twenty years or so and not from the 50s. The history is seductive and incomplete, and I remind myself constantly to keep reading to get closer to current beliefs. Understanding systemic social problems and biases are more in vogue in medicine than one may suspect from learning about racist, homophobic, sexist people from earlier times.
People do often take early scientific/medical theories way too fucking seriously and impart their own biases into the interpretations of results. And yet, medicine itself has gotten a lot better at not doing that! Thank you, philosophy and critical theory!
The main author of the book The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure, Greg Lukianoff, went through an intense suicidal patch and recommended several books about cognitive-behavioral therapy that I've started digging into and have really liked. I'll throw in a recommendation as well of a book by the psychologist Susan Heitler that is softer in tone than the other books and also more focused on relationships due to her main role as a marriage counselor.
I'm currently reading The Worry Cure and feel like I'm looking in a mirror—spot on descriptions of my anxious thought processes. I waited so long to see a doctor due to having less intense, more chronic anxiety and depression and that oh-so-masculine trait of wanting to solve it myself (along with procrastination). Lexapro and now these books have helped immensely. Self-help is a hell of a drug.
If depression and anxiety are the root of your issues, try reading this book, man: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns
It has been a huge help in my life and I got it for two other people who also tell me it had a big impact on them.
I'm 35years old and have recently been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea ~10 AHI. I've bought an auto CPAP and have been on treatment for around one week. I feel better so far although I'll need months to quantify the improvement.
Prior to this I was on a 1 month trial where I couldn't identify how crucial CPAP was until the trial ended (which I've been told is common for mild sufferers). It was around 2 months without treatment between the end of the trial and when I bought the machine a week ago.
Like you I suffered from chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, memory issues, brain fog etc. After treatment it was clear to me that many of the fears I had were based on cognitive patterns developed while under the effect of a physiological anxiety and depression.
So in plain english, things aren't likely to be as bad as you perceive them to be. I'm not trying to downplay the potential need for rehabilitation because now that I'm on CPAP I intend to create a brain rehabilitation plan that includes the items below.
For you in particular I would do the following:
Beyond all this I think its important to just do the best you can with the resources and knowledge you have available and not beat yourself up for what might have been and things beyond your control.
edit: broken links the bane of my life
Age: Over 60. Severe "drop" in "self worth estimation" @ 25.
First off, free advice is worth what you pay for it. With that said, please allow me to suggest some reading that may help your mental state, semi-permanently, if you learn well. This book was recommednded to my by my therapist. I despise self-help books. This one is different. Dr. Burns has made it easy to find negative thought patterns you didn't even know you were using, teaches the power of (sometimes the power of the absence of certain words: ie, (paraphrasing) "Someone who goes around saying to themselves frequently "I should do this, or I should start doing that...as living a "shouldy" kind of life... OK, he's no Mitch Hedberg, but he is effective at showing you how to re-arrange your attitude, how you address yourself and situations as they arise. He teaches how to deal with anxiety and I attribute my getting off anti-depressants within a year to this work. It's been in print for twenty years, so it's almost definitely at the library.
Being panicky about money won't help. Keep track of the total you owe your parents. It will make you feel better to keep a running total on which you can plan to make payments to them later.
Do you have a one-year plan? That's an outline of what you expect, what your goals are, ideas, hopes, a bit like a business plan, but of course more personal. Go over a calendar imagining the year ahead, jotting down notes on big events, expectations, and have a goal for the end of the year. Now goals can change, ideas can be modified, but if you don't have a plan, you don't have a direction, you're rudderless.
And when your one-year is done, build a five-year.
If I were young and (relatively) strong, and desperate* for money, I would approach the local businesses and ask them if they have any work they've been having a hard time getting done. Tell them you work cheap. You may end up washing grease traps at 2 AM in some greasy spoon, but there might just be money out there you don't expect. How desperate are you. People can sense the "starving-needy" sometimes, if it's real. So go with it. Just don't get creepy, heh.
Hope some of this is helpful, I know the book works, Bon Chance!
I am going through a similar process and am still healing. Be gentle with yourself. Rest. Learn to forgive. Know that healing takes time and that there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. There is an end. You are alive, you will survive.
Some active things to do to heal that I've found useful.
I don't claim to be an expert on this but I can certainly identify with you. I am going through something extremely painful too and my feelings are very similar to yours.
One thing that strikes me about your situation is that, as far as i can tell, he basically stopped his relationship with you 3 months ago.
That really is not an inordinate amount of time to be in pain about a breakup....especially after being together for a year and a half.
It's just going to take some time and it sucks.
There are a few things that are standard ways to cope with this kind of pain.
Spend time with friends..... try to see other guys and give them a chance to win you over.... do things that you enjoy and try to take up interesting things that are new.
You could consider psychotherapy or antidepressant medication.
And there's a famous & classic book on this situation that might help you. It once really helped me.
The title is.... How to Survive the Loss of a Love
I really hope that you feel better soon....and I'm sorry that you are going through this
Sappy, silly even trite and yet still remarkably helpful.
Takes a truckload of time but healing does take place.
Best to you.
As someone who has had to ask for help many times in my life, I think you should look into counseling. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. Hopefully your brother is seeing someone, but I think it would be best if you did, too.
Even though I am an alcoholic, surprisingly, when things are really down. Like I'm super depressed, something kicks in and I find some kind of strength deep down. Something ethereal kicks in and I know that life would get 10x shittier if I drank. This shit has to be processed. It's going to happen at some point in your life. Like that kid's song "Can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around it. Guess I'm going to have to go through it."
You are strong. You are way stronger than you even know. We are a resilient species.
I don't know what you're going through. I'm lucky I guess that I drink myself silly when I'm lonely, suffering from anxiety, bored, happy, because I am sad. But when something traumatic happens, I guess it's something that I have to do. I have to feel it. That desire is there, but you have to fight it. You can fight it.
I don't know if this is helping you or not. I'm sending you my thoughts, prayers, and good vibes. Hopefully you'll find comfort in that, human to human.
Also, along with the counseling that you really need, I really recommend this book. It is a book that helps deal with grief. It's half psychologist/psychiatrists' advice/thoughts and half poetry. They have it at most libraries. How To Survive the Loss of a Love I promise it's not mumbo jumbo. My copy has helped me with being dumped, family dying, and even moving.
Also, make a list of all the people who have your back. Don't say no one. You don't mean that. You have people that love you. Instead of focusing on everything that's going wrong in your life (which is a lot) try to physically write everything that is going good in your life. Put those lists on your bathroom mirror or somewhere you'll see them everyday. Read them out loud. These are all the things that I've been telling myself while I struggle with my addiction. They don't help everyday. But they help shift my focus most days.
You might get a lot out of this book: "When Bad Things Happen to Good People"
I'm glad to hear that you already have someone you're comfortable with. If I could, I'd like to suggest the following books that have helped me a lot in understanding the unique grief for very young widows:
Any book that talks about people in crappier situations than you...a pick-me-up: http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728
I struggled with this for many years growing up. One day I was visiting my grandmother and her friend, a Jewish woman, gave me this book entitled When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It changed my hermeneutic from then on.
Why Bad Things Happen To Good People is a wonderful written by a rabbi from Natick, Massachusetts. It was a very big seller years ago, but it holds true still.
He should know.
Worksheet and instructions: http://thework.com/en/do-work
Book: Loving What Is
Yes, I also have a minor case of Asperger's (now redefined as Autism on a severity scale). Sometimes I feel that there's nothing that can help Asperger's, but that's just if I'm letting myself be negative.
After 20 days or so, I definitely see a noticeable improvement in my openness with people, and my ability to express my true intentions when talking to people, even including complete strangers, to a degree. So keep at it.
However, one other major factor in my life right now is my practicing of mindfulness. Some people get into "meditation," and I quote it like that because I mean it as a formal meditation practice, where you physically sit down and do it, as compared to the meditation you can do in day to day life. I have done formal mediation sittings, and possibly I should make a point of getting back into those, but as long as you take time from your day and truly stop and do nothing, that can be considered the same thing.
Mindfulness, to me, is the process of taking a look at things from your heart instead of your mind. Letting things be and loving things exactly as they are (even if they are "bad"), so that you can then act out your life from your place of true intent, instead of from your reactive mind, which already confuses itself. I feel that being mindful of our actions and all things around us is one of the most useful ways of improving your happiness as an Aspie.
For example, if you are not where you "want to be" in your life, such as the conditions of no girlfriend, bad job situation, poor social life, etc., then the first step is to truly accept these conditions simply as they are! Whatever situation you are in, that is the exact place that you should start from since that is the only place that is reality. Just like if you wanted to travel to the other side of the world, at first it would seem like an daunting task, but if you lined up a car, plane ticket, hotel reservations, travel money, and a passport, then you could just take the steps one by one and go on your trip. The same is true with your life. You must start where you are, and with your life, "starting" from exactly where you are means accepting exactly where you are, deeply. From there you can take the next step openly and freely. If you don't accept where you are, your Autistic mind can easily get swept away in the "what-ifs" and the negativity. At least I know mine does if I'm not careful.
I know this isn't exactly what you asked, but it's what I can offer as advice as a fellow NoFapper/Aspie. I feel that mindfulness is extremely helpful with our condition. If you can do it right. There's no "right" way to be mindful, but I guess you can say there are wrong ways. At some point, if you can sift through the thoughts and sort out the ones that make you suffer from the ones that don't, then that is your answer. There are no right answers, there are only your answers.
Two books that have helped me on my journey are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which has been mentioned on NoFap before, and Loving What Is by Byron Katie (also mentioned before). The first is almost like one of the quintessential books on the topic, but can be a little more vague if you're not good at understanding "deep" stuff, although he does walk through some stuff in a pretty matter of fact way. The second is more practical look at things that utilizes a process known as "The Work" that helps you dissect negative thoughts and find out what is really true for you. And trust me, once you start acting out from a place of who you really are, and how you really feel, it's awesome!
It's not automatic. It's a work in progress. But it's great having another tool that goes with you. Whenever you have a "problem," you are in your mind, in your thoughts. Trust this. When something happens in the day, if you feel something's not right, you can apply some of the concepts, such as just coming back down to reality and feeling the energy in your body (Eckhart), or you can go through The Work and ask yourself, "Is that really true? Where would I be without that thought?" It's almost like you can be your own little Reddit, and answer questions for yourself! Lol.
tl;dr Mindfulness combined with NoFap can definitely help you see the improvements if you have Asperger's. It seems like mindfulness can help with NoFap, and vise versa. If you resist the urge, you are training yourself to be mindful, and if you can be mindful, you can resist the urge.
Here are links to those two books, if you are interested. If you'd like and can't afford, I'll buy them for you:
The Power of Now
Loving What Is
Do you like reading? If so, then check out this book -- http://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four-Questions-Change/dp/1400045371/ref=asap_B001H6S8B4_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1417124327&amp;sr=1-1
What you have are intrusive thoughts...
Loving What Is
I Need Your Love: Is That True?
The Way of the Superior Man
My therapist told me to purchase and read these books. I did. These books, in addition to my therapy, were instrumental in pulling me out from where you are right now.
I once was at a point where I didn't leave the house. For a year. I barely left my room. I can empathize with your situation. Get those books, find a therapist, and try. It is hard, it sucks and it hurts, but it is worth it in the end.
Take up meditation. It's helped me manage those same issues, as well as many others. I recommend Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn, as well as Wherever You Go There You Are by the same author. Those were recommended to me by a man I respect immensely.
Be patient with it; meditation won't change you overnight. I hesitate recommending it in this manner because it can't be thought of as a fix for your problems. If that's what motivates you to begin, that's all good, but meditation is not a search for results. Those books are an excellent starting place and will serve you well.
I'm glad I could lift your spirits man.
Meditation is tough and can seem bland, especially after we've been bombarding ourselves with such pleasurable stimuli for years now. Like anything, starting is the hardest part, and you've gotta start somewhere. I actually haven't done it in a long while, and it's probably part of the reason I've relapsed recently.
If you are interested, I recommend reading the book
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat Zinn. Some of the stuff he says is a bit hippyish, but it's a good place to start if you want to learn mindfulness and meditation.
I've had problems with anxiety, but I started meditating and it has helped out A LOT. I definitely recommend it. Here's a book I've used.
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
This can be done anywhere: airport, pumping gas, waiting on a microwave, anywhere anytime. It's about Now, and how utterly amazing now is. Your life is a boggling number of nows. Remember to breathe calmly.
Oh for sure then, Rick Rubin (through his recorded interviews) was the one the introduced me to mindfulness in general and by extension to my interest in Tibetan Buddhism.
Last october I listening to an interview where he mentioned the Tao Te Ching along with this book (https://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787). I read both and they have had a profound impact on my life to be honest.
Man its like my number 1 dream right now to one day work on a track with Rick Rubin.
Your family being upset should not trump looking out for your own mental/emotional well-being. Their strong reaction (or threat of a strong reaction) is another manipulation technique to keep people from escaping the clutches of religion. You are responsible for your life and well-being first and foremost.
That said, hanging in there until you can fully support yourself is probably wise.
I'd recommend reading Wherever You Go, There You Are. It could help with managing the emotions of your current situation so you don't go crazy.
I'm not knowledgeable enough to really expound on the differences, but I'll throw down some resources that helped me:
If this all piques your interest, I really recommend attending a MBSR class to learn a bunch of different techniques and to discuss it with other people who are doing it at the same time. It's similar to exercise in that you can get started on your own, but if you want to get more "skilled" you should look to find a mentor to help you process and suggest new techniques that might help you improve.
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
really a good book and very easy to read
As much as I'm interested in the topics he writes about, Tolle is just not for me. He's too pompous and prophetic, and his ideas are nothing new, unless this is the first book you read on the subject.
But I don't want to burst your bubble, I mean, if you're gaining some new insights from this, I'm happy for you.
An author I appreciate much more than Tolle is Jon Kabat-Zinn: same basic ideas but presented with much more humility and common sense.
What about nonfiction? There's two books that have really guided my thinking and helped shift me towards a more conscious, healthful way of thinking and lifestyle.
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
8 Weeks To Optimum Health by Andrew Weil
The deep breathing exercises that Dr. Weil introduces have had an amazing impact on my life by leading me down the path to meditation. Kabat-Zinn talks a lot about Emerson's Walden in his book as well.
I'm a psychotherapist who has zero training in DBT and who will soon be starting a job at a residential program for teens where DBT is one of the primary treatment modalities. I'll obviously be trained when I get there, but in the meantime I'd like to get as up-to-date as I can so that I don't have to start from scratch.
So, I'd like to buy some books. Specifically, I want books that focus on the practice and theory of DBT, so obviously not self-help books aimed at clients. I've found a few so far and I'll link them below (I'm happy to buy any or all of these books, and obviously any others that people recommend):
My therapy group uses DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan
I asked my therapist for the name so I could see about getting a copy for myself.
Edit, there's also a companion book that's just the worksheets that are used. These are activities and homework we get assigned. link
I hoped I could find a website out there with downloadable pdfs but I can’t. Instead I found this which is a book explaining all the DBT Skills. DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1462516998/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QqP2CbG9WHC6X
It’s a bit expensive but it contains all the coursework and explanations for the course and there is a workbook too. You might be able to find more info online by searching “emotional regulation”, “distress tolerance”, interpersonal effectiveness” and “core mindfulness”, the last one might not be so relevant but the other three are really helpful.
Hi there again, I checked with the people who brought out the German DBT book I told you about. They recommended this and this one I really believe and trust that they know what they are doing.
I used to deal with emotional extremes, and overcame this through therapy. The therapist practiced a kind of cognitive behavioral therapy called Dialectical Behavioir Therapy (DBT), which is largely based on Buddhist meditation concepts.
You might supplement your dharma readings with some DBT readings to help you find solutions. This was the book my therapist recommended, and was very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/DBT®-Skills-Training-Manual-Second/dp/1462516998
In DBT you'll find lots of parallels with Buddhist meditation, but also a clinical approach.
If you're committed, you can do some self-taught DBT. If you're new to DBT or CBT, they stand for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There are many online resources or DBT Skills manuals you can purchase/thrift/borrow etc. It's extremely helpful in becoming your own guide through your healing journey. Here's some links to help you out:
Although the skills manual itself is expensive, if you purchase your own copy you can make notes in it to help you personalize some of the skills.
I've attended DBT groups for years and have found it to be the most relevant skill set in my emotional regulation today. Feel free to PM me for more info.
This is very "Ghost Rider."
And I'm very jealous! Nice!
Here's a list, off the top of my head - I know all these are on my bookshelf, but I'm probably missing a few more:
Hell's Angel: The Life and Times of Sonny Barger and the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club by Sonny Barger
Freedom: Credos from the Road by Sonny Barger
Ridin' High, Livin' Free: Hell-Raising Motorcycle Stories by Ralph Sonny Barger
Dead in 5 Heartbeats by Sonny Barger
Under and Alone by William Queen
No Angel: My Harrowing Undercover Journey to the Inner Circle of the Hells Angels by Jay Dobyns
Hell's Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga (Modern Library) by Hunter S. Thompson
Street Justice by Chuck Zito
The Original Wild Ones: Tales of the Boozefighters Motorcycle Club by Bill Hayes
Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road by Neil Peart
The Masked Rider: Cycling in West Africa by Neil Peart
Against the Wind: A Rider's Account of the Incredible Iron Butt Rally by Ron Ayres
Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry into the Value of Work by Matthew B. Crawford
Honda CB750: The Complete Story by Mark Haycoc
Shovelhead Red The Drifter's Way by Roy Yelverton
Shovelhead Red-Ridin' Out by Roy Yelverton
A Twist of the Wrist 2: The Basics of High-Performance Motorcycle Riding by Keith Code
Total Control: High Performance Street Riding Techniques by Lee Parks
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values by Robert M. Pirsig - Still my favorite. A high school english teacher bought it for me when he found out I had just passed my motorcycle road test. I've read it at least 15 times, and get something new from it each time.
But the best recommendation - Buy the FACTORY SERVICE MANUAL for your bike and read it. Read it often, until you can almost turn to the exact page for each procedure.
Neil Peart's books:
The Masked Rider
Far and Away
Disclaimer: I have not thoroughly researched Amazon's support for or against SOPA. Please research before making any purchases!
Neil Peart's "Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road."
I'm a huge fan of Neil Peart as the drummer for the band Rush and this is the book that inspired me into getting a motorcycle.
I'm interested in this book too: "Roadshow: Landscape With Drums: A Concert Tour by Motorcycle."
While I agree with you about Moon's drumming, I feel that I should mention that Neil watched the Who on the Tammy Show as a teenager, and it was Moon's performance that inspired him to buy his first drum set.
source: Ghost Rider by Neil Peart
I highly reccomend a read of Neil's "Ghost Rider".
Recently shared that book with a guy I ran into at a gas station.
He recommended to me that I read Ghost Rider
"No Death No Fear" https://www.amazon.com/No-Death-Fear-Comforting-Wisdom/dp/1573223336
Great eastern perspective. <3
Thich Nhat Hahn's No Death, No Fear
Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Y Manning is meant to be good, although I haven't read it myself.
This this this! 'Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder'
'The Buddha and the Borderline' is good, but her experience with BPD is pretty intense (drugs, hospitlizations, etc) so it may not be as relatable to your situation. It's a good read though!
I would suggest this workbook and this book for yourself. Then I would suggest this book for your loved ones.
Here is some good information on the different therapies for BPD that they say are most effective (DBT being one of them).
I follow a bunch of accounts on Instagram with inspirational quotes and relatable content that I find helpful. My favourite hashtag being # bpdrecovery - if you use Instagram, I highly suggest checking it out.
I think the most important thing to remember is to be active in your recovery and to be kind to yourself.
I hope this helps!
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593856075/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_DfjkzbZ7KMGZ1
yooo -- this book will help you out tons -- https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1IZHJ9NNRSY6F&keywords=loving+someone+with+borderline+personality&qid=1557860540&s=gateway&sprefix=loving+someone+with+%2Caps%2C190&sr=8-1
if money is a problem DM me i can help you out
David Reimer -- and it was far more than just being raised as a girl. There was a significant amount of child abuse involved, iirc, and emotional trauma.
>Well, that, and the possibility the knife slips and they cut off too much. That's scary as hell.
And it's happened.
Here is is.
My favorite biography is hands down As Nature Made Him. As a result of a botched circumcision "Bruce" is raised as "Brenda". Because "Bruce" was an identical twin, scientists turned these kids' lives into an experiment. Is gender and sexual preference nurture or nature? It's a fascinating read!
Yup. It's really an astounding story. That poor kid.
[The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying] (http://www.amazon.com/Tibetan-Book-Living-Dying-International/dp/0062508342/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1397144673&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+tibetan+book+of+living+and+dying)
[Eight Steps to Happiness] (http://www.amazon.com/Eight-Steps-Happiness-Buddhist-Kindness/dp/1616060085)
The Only Dance There Is
[It's Here Now, Are You?] (http://www.amazon.com/Its-Here-Now-Are-You/dp/076790009X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1397145058&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=i%27m+here+now+are+you)
These books have all spoken so strongly to me, hope they help!
This one: https://www.amazon.com/Tibetan-Book-Living-Dying-International/dp/0062508342
Reading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying at the moment - its well written and has a lot of interesting ideas - many similarities with Christianity too.
I'm reading the Quran and make it a point of collecting other faiths works to study in case I ever run into anyone I can speak with them with a little bit of knowledge.
I found What Makes You Not a Buddhist by Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse to be absolutely wonderful, as well as Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.
Both are great introductions to Tibetan Buddhism, and Buddhism in general.
Check out The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying! It's a classic for a reason and it deals directly with death in a very respectful, pragmatic way. It explores the concept of death as way to enrich your concept of life, which is something I really enjoyed.
I’m so excited for timmy day. I’m kind of torn. If he throws 95 again. Then everyone will want him. But if he still sucks then I guess we won’t want him. It’s bittersweet. But exciting. Until Charlie Morton I don’t know a pitcher could regain velo.
Currently reading on killing the psychological cost of learning to kill. Interesting book/study
, maybe only one of a few that deal with the subject. Makes me feel sad for the Vietnam vets that got totally hung out to dry by their own nation. Very insightful book until the end where the author goes off on a bunch of made up sounding strawmen anecdotes blaming video games , horror movies (Freddy Krueger and jason lol) for the epidemic of violence in our country. Saying we are doing to our kids via operant conditioning worse than what was conceived of in clockwork orange. Or any weird military experiments. U/beautifulunusual you are a trained psychologist have you heard of this book and have any problems with his conclusions?
If you want a truly good read, and one that explains this phenomenon, read On Killing by Dave Grossman. [link] (http://www.amazon.com/On-Killing-Psychological-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932)
It is extremely interesting to read, and helps explain the devastating impact war has on the human psyche.
I highly recommend the book 'On Killing'
On Killing by Dave Grossman is an interesting one about the psychological trauma of taking another's life.
No, we're talking about PTSD, and we're talking about veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, not those who've merely served during the GWOT era. This PTS/PTSD distinction, by the way, isn't one used medically or scientifically. Most of the time, when we say "posttraumatic stress," we're talking about PTSD. The VA system sometimes uses a kind of made-up non-diagnosis called "PTSS," for posttraumatic stress syndrome," denoting a subclinical level of posttraumatic stress symptoms. There's also plain old acute combat stress, which is different in lots of ways and not really at the level of something we'd call a mental illness.
And it isn't anywhere close to "one quarter of our units personnel" suffering--the figure isn't point prevalence, and since most people recover, you don't have anywhere close to that figure actually exhibiting it at any given point in time. Additionally, many of those guys are out of those units when things are getting bad. You see most of it later on--most of the time PTSD symptoms don't show up until they get back stateside for a bit.
> For that matter, the citizens of Iraq and Afghanistan have seen almost never-ending war since the 1980s. If your numbers were correct, then those nations would be full of nothing but mental cases by now.
Lifetime prevalence of PTSD (not to mention other mental illnesses) among civilians in conflict areas in the middle east is indeed very high--somewhere from double to quadruple what we see here, depending on the area. However, these things don't fit together in some kind of neat way that would support your reasoning. Pathology does indeed increase with exposure dose both in terms of population frequency and individual severity, but not linearly. Additionally, not all traumatic events or kinds of traumatic events are equally traumatogenic. A lot of research suggests that the combat experience, in which one either kills or perhaps simply readies oneself to kill if necessary, is uniquely traumatogenic--Dave Grossman in particular has an interesting account of it.
I am genuinely interested in human behavior and societal norms. I just started reading a book on how we respond to death, and how that has changed over time. It's called On Killing. I can't wait to read it, and then expand my knowledge more.
I haven't read the book you mention, but here is another excellent book on the subject
I read this in my "Religion and Violence Class".
Since taking that class, I've come to the conclusion that Aquinas and, to some extent, Augustine were right-- violence is morally neutral. And there is a hard path ahead when you try to categorize violence as either "religious" or "secular" because WHAT exactly is religion?
I think Christianity has a role to play not in protesting all wars, because I believe there may be times when war is needed, even the right choice rather than the "lesser of two evils", but seeking we act justly and humanly as we do.
The secular state probably won't listen to constant calls to pull out of all conflict altogether but maybe Christians can have an influence on ensuring we conduct ourselves as honorably and Christ-like as possible in battle. Christ-like in battle? Yes. Loving your enemy even as you fight them. Treating them humanely even as they are captured. Recognizing they are made in the image of God, even if you must slay them.
Here's a book: Just War as Christian Discipleship by Daniel Bell
You may have heard of On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society in which Dave Grossman lies out the horrible consequences of training someone, who does not wish to kill, to kill. The psychological impact can be awful if we manipulate the mind to do such things (although the soldiers DO become more effective. Grossman found that many soldiers would shoot into the air rather than kill another man. The military has designed techniques around this to make people more comfortable with killing but it can have bad psychological damage attached to it.) Think shell-shock.
Grossman cites primarily evolutionary reasons for the psychological damage phenomenon. But I suspect there may be religious reasons. Especially in the Civil War. On both sides, these were deeply religious men (read their journals!) who probably had great qualms about shooting the men who were once their brothers and countrymen, who worshiped, and, of course, were made by the same God. Religion, I suspect has a large impact on resistance to killing.
So violence is much more nuanced than it seems. It may be morally neutral, a tool for good or evil, but that is not to say it doesn't have its extreme difficulties attached.
Where Cavanaugh has it right is that recent, modern, efforts to paint religion as something inherently IRRATIONAL and VIOLENT itself ignores secular violence, legitimizes the nation-state against religious belief and creates a dichotomy which, in truth, does not exist.
Plenty of skeptics and atheists will tell you of their fear of religion because it promotes senseless violence by unthinking faithful people. The sad part is, it is not religion responsible for foolishness. Religion is not inherently irrational. Secular minds can, and have, used violence for just as much evil. Once again, the dichotomy of religious/ secular does not exist because religion, to define precisely, is impossible. Even the secular person, and a completely secular person is difficult to find, will have spiritual or religious trappings to them.
Don't fall for the lie.
Cavanaugh's article rules.
As I originally stated, you characterised my points in a way that greatly oversimplified them. In effect to make them mean something slightly different than how I meant them.
Here's what I actually said:
> The military trains soldiers to do exactly two things without thinking:
> Obey the orders of a superior
> Find the guys who are trying to kill you and kill them first
I intentionally added the part 'without thinking'; it wasn't careless use of language.
'Without thinking' I then described as a kind of 'personlessness', a programmed response to stimuli, based on repetitive training and indoctrination. It is the intentional replacement of critical thinking and self-determination with military equivalents and culture.
To go back to my original statement, it's about re-learning how to open doors, such that the new way of opening doors (by not standing in front of them) becomes habit and replaces the old way. Ditto for aggressive driving, aggression, and us/them thinking. We see this in pretty much all of the behaviours that make returned soldiers a danger in many cases to the general population.
And I was trying to raise the point that this is intentional. The military modus operandi is to entirely replace the culture of a person with their own version. And in terms of combat readiness, to remove any qualms about killing anybody superiors say needs to be killed.
If you look at data from previous wars (WWI, WWII, Vietnam), each one taught the military something important. In this context, the number of soldiers who didn't fire their weapons in combat was seen as a psychological barrier to winning, and it was something that they looked at solving.
And they did. Over the years, the indoctrination of new soldiers got progressively better at de-humanising 'the enemy' and removing what is IMHO a natural impediment to killing. There's an excellent book called 'On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society which describes this process.
In the current theaters of operations (Iraq 2.0, Afgh) the combatants killed by soldiers in war were often not what they expected. Farm boys (conscripted), children, local townspeople etc. Not the seasoned, trained, fully equipped bad jihadists we see on videos on tv. And the worst part of that is that you know the family had little choice to but to send their kids to war or face the backlash of the jihadists running the area.
The above in combination with what you call 'moral qualms', and I call 'why am I killing townspeople and children', a number of people develop psychological misgivings about their involvement. These are the people I would guess who are the most resistant to indoctrination. How many? I don't know. I don't have data because I didn't stick around afterwords to ask, and because I"m not sure that anybody is collecting this kind of data.
In other people, it's not a problem. In some cases, it even becomes habitual. The public at large having little to no understanding from the outside to what service involves on the inside these days doesn't help. They think it's the noble warrior defending freedom. It's actually a lot more like the psychopath Bradley Cooper plays in American Sniper (Chris Kyle) inventing reasons to kill people as combatants that nobody else seems to encounter.
When you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail, so to speak.
All of that makes it very difficult to redeploy and to re-engage with a population who thinks in a very different way. In fact, it makes it very difficult to engage with people who are halfway on the inside anyway. Just look up the statistics on divorce, spousal abuse, domestic disturbances, and suicide with military members, and it's pretty clear that something is going seriously wrong.
And all of that, going back to my original thesis, is directly attributable to how we program soldiers to fight and operate by replacing the parts of their mentality that limit their effectiveness.
May be good starting points, depending on your particular variation of Christianity. Note that the latter isn't from a Christian perspective so much as it is a psychological.
The way I see it, the job of the military is to protect and serve - killing is an occasionally necessary aspect of same, much as a shepherd and (his) flock, albeit on a larger scale. Yes, it's a bit of a dehumanizing viewpoint to take, but that's partially necessary to overcome inherent inhibitions.
In regard to "a mere man in Washington said we have to or our way of life will end", that essentially goes back to the "render unto Caesar" argument, combined with the oath of enlistment - it's not about liking the orders, it's about following them, and having some measure of trust/faith that the highers have a plan (that you can't see/understand most of the time).
If you haven't read "On Killing" it goes into this concept of Wolf and Sheep in human populations. I don't really buy the 'Wolfdog' concept it advances, it feels like a justification of actions to me - but hey I'm not a bestselling author. I was more trying to make a point that certain aspects of the mindset are still around and more approachable.
Here's the book. Worth a checkout from your local library:
First, what kind of research are you using? This will help you pull your key ideas from the evidence you actually have.
One text I'd look into and which is in most every US library: On Killing by Lt Col Dan Grossman. http://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
I believe it is the last chapter when he discusses the consequences of violent video games in a society-at-war. You should Google him!
Do some research on killology and maybe read https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
There is a reason we have to train even soldiers to kill.
But let me ask you this. If you think terrorist ideology is intrinsic with Muslims and they all get a nice time in heaven if they die fighting jihad. Why do you think are there only a handful of Muslims actually committing terrorist attacks? What do you think is the reasoning behind that?
Part of it was technology. Not just rifles, but artillery and machine guns were at least as important, if not more so. Even 1860s artillery didn't have particularly effective fusing. But by WWI, you had artillery that could be shot from miles away, hit accurately, and be lethal tens of meters from the impact. That made massing groups of soldiers in the open useless.
Machine guns could be set up in static, protected positions and simply traverse at a set height while firing. This, again, made massing troops in the open useless.
But, training was also a huge impact. People always under estimate the accuracy of smoothbore muskets. Sure, they're tremendously inaccurate by modern standards where even a bad rifle can fire a 3" grouping at 100 yards. But, an enemy soldier is not a bullseye, and smoothbore muskets were more than accurate enough to have been absolutely devastating at the ranges they were used. I think it was in Napoleonic times where they did testing, running a sheet 5' tall the length of a battalion in the field, and then had a battalion of troops fire at it as if in combat then counting the number of hits. At, I think, 100 yards, they got something like 70% or 80% accuracy. At the 30 yard engagement ranges you see in the Civil War, one volley would have erased a regiment, rifled muskets or no.
But, shooting at targets and shooting at other human beings are two very different things. It turns out that there are very strong psychological aversions to killing other people in most humans. Strong enough to even take effect when those people are trying to kill you. Interviews and other evidence (dropped rifles with multiple rounds loaded, for example) indicate that only around 10% of soldiers who came in contact with the enemy during the Civil War actually shot at the enemy. Most soldiers simply shot high, or low, or even faked it.
Two important things fall out from this: First, the military becan applying psychology to their training. By WWII, about 50% of soldiers were firing at the enemy when they saw him, and it got up to about 90% by Vietnam. One example of what they do is that they teach soldiers to think of their enemies as inanimate objects: It's not shooting the enemy, it's servicing the target. They're Tangos, not enemies. Etc.
The other thing is that the farther away from actually harming someone, both physically and emotionally, the more likely you're actually going to shoot. Firing an artillery piece is more an act of operating machinery than aiming at another person and pulling the trigger. There has never been the same problem of not shooting among fighter pilots who are shooting at another plane, not a person. Crew served machine guns aren't aimed at individuals, they simply traverse and fire along an axis.
So, we end up with two separate trends that were at best just hints in the mid 19th century but really came into their own and were reinforcing each other by WWI.
On Killing, by Dave Grossman does an excellent job of explaining this, with references to the original research.
There's a book I strongly suggest you read: On Killing
The fire rate (actually engaging the enemy) went from 10% in WW2 to over 90% in Vietnam.
Reccomended Reading: On Killing by Lt. Col. David Grossman.
It's a book about the psychological costs, consequences, and ramifications of killing, atrocity, and wartime stress. It goes into details about causes, prevention, and all sorts of details. It's a must read, even if you don't need to research the topic.
Show him stuff by Dave Grossman
Haven't read this book since high school, but I think it might touch on some of what he's talking about:
I'm not entirely sure if this is something you're looking for, but Lt. Col. Dave Grossman is a psychologist and a veteran who has specialized in researching what makes shooters tick. His two (the only ones I'm aware of at this moment ... both great reads) works are titled On Killing and On Combat.
If anything they may be able to point you in the right direction of more research and studies that have already been conducted.
As you have an interest in how war affects the warrior, may I draw your attention to 'On Killing' by Lt.Col.Dave Grossman; you may find it to be of interest.
This book takes a close look at the emotional effects of killing (esp on soldiers). For people who are curious enough about the topic to read a book on it, I'd recommend this one.
It depends on your psychological makeup. People who end up being snipers and racking up lots of kills tend to be less susceptible to trauma resulting from their actions. Close kills cause more trauma for the average soldier, and the messier and closer the kill, the deeper the trauma. Really, the best way to kill your neighbour in this circumstance would be to get a bunch of other neighbours together and kill him by firing squad, through the living room window, where you never see the blood or the body afterwards, and you don't know who got off the killshot.
Edit: Ref. http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0316040932
I was a soldier for five years in the U.S. Army several years ago. Fortunately I never was placed in a position where I had to kill anyone directly. The absolute best thing you can do is read this book:
It will put you way ahead of the mind games they are about to pull on you in your training. You will still be effected. You will still be changed. This will just let you know how and why.
I hope it helps you. It's not Buddhist in any way. If you can't afford it, let me know through PM and I will get it for you.
This is really interesting. Do you have any responses to what Lt. Dave Grossman writes in his book? In case you haven't read it, you can pop in to a book store and catch the first couple chapters if you like; that's the part I'm referring to. I really would love to hear something from someone who disagrees with him and actually has an experience to back it up instead of an armchair opinion.
I would suggest you read On Killing by Dave Grossman. It costs about $7 used, plus shipping. It's pretty good.
As far as being hesitant about killing fellow countrymen there is an interesting section of the book "On killing" that deals just with that.
The book said the accuracy of shots in battle was something like 60% less accurate than the norm. It also talked about the increasing accuracy and willingness to kill over the years as the military progressed to targets that looked more and more human-like.
Not all history but very interesting read.
I knew someone was going to beat me to posting that link. Its a VERY good read. I would also recommend you read On Killing if you are going to carry.
Seems it might be [this] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0316040932?pc_redir=1408591339&amp;robot_redir=1)
That is a part of the title of his book.
Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Wherever you go there you are" is also nice
i've heard, wherever you go there you are...I think some dude wrote an esoteric book on meditation of the same name
I have read the first two, and can give my opinions on all three. Stop walking on eggshells has a target demographic, and that's for nons that are trapped in a relationship with abusive and wilfully ignorant BPDs. People who refuse to acknowledge they have a problem or do anything about it. It's absolutely not a book for people with BPD, unless you have absolutely no triggers.
BPD for dummies is good; it's sort of a slap in the face wake up and smell the sunshine book for both BPDs and nons, and it led my girlfriend to try Abilify which has since changed her life. But again, a lot of that book is about surviving and it doesn't offer much in the way of helping the BPD or the non with their relationship. It does describe a lot of BPD relationships and why the BPD (I'm sorry if this is offensive shorthand, feel free to tell me if it is) is feeling and reacting the way they do. I think a lot of it will read like bpdlovedones to you though, unfortunately, as it does tend to place most of the responsibility on the person wth BPD.
The DBT workbook is good. My girlfriend has it and it's helped her. I haven't read this one so much as skimmed it, and what I can say is it's like any other DBT workbook; a lot of hard work and frustration.
The best book I have yet to read (and I have glanced through quite a few) is Loving someone with borderline personality disorder. Seriously, if you don't have this, get it now. It's the only book I've read that doesn't ever paint borderline in a negative light. The author definitely understands that people with BPD aren't evil or crazy, just hurting and confused. I've said this before but I have dated many people with BPD, diagnosed and not, and from the outside, it's very easy to think your BPDSO is being manipulative or trying to hurt you or so toxic you need to run. And unfortunately, so many mental health professionals seem to reinforce this idea. This book changed everything for me, as a non, and for my girlfriend, put so many of her feelings into words. The woman who wrote it studied under the person who invented DBT. She explains the ideas of splitting, object permanence, unstable self image, and so many more things. And she actually goes into detail on how to work on your relationships instead of just giving the all too common blanket statement of 'run away'. I don't mean to shill but I promise you it'll make you feel much more hopeful than these other books. (I haven't read I hate you, don't leave me, so I'm not including that.)
I am not sure I understand ...aren't in a relationship, but we are exclusive
Regardless it sounds like it's potentially borderline personality disorder. Cognitive behavioural therapy and dialectic behavioural therapy are helpful.
For you? Try this: book
I would strongly recommend seeing if you can find a psychologist in your area that does cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Ask your doctor/counselor for recommendations, search online, etc.
In the mean time I'd also recommend you pick up a copy of one of David Burns books on CBT. If you're anything like me, you may have to force yourself to do some of the exercises, but it's definitely worth it.
It is common, and you have some issues to sort out. I recommend this book.
I had the exact same feelings as you. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and was clinically depressed for some time because my death anxiety got the better of me.
I'm an atheist, and I had the same feelings of dread over my non-existence, and the non-existence of my loved ones.
I can't say that I'm completely "cured" of my death anxiety, but I've found some material that has helped me alleviate it to a certain extent. First is the book, Staring at the Sun, written by Irvin Yalom. He's a psychologist who spent a better part of his career dealing with patients with death anxiety, and this is his book on how we can overcome the terror, or at least how he alleviated it among his patients. I'd be happy to ship you my copy, if you would like.
Another is the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus' arguments about death cannot harm us. I'm a philosophy graduate student, so philosophy has always been a way to combat the anxiety. It may not be for everyone.
Finally, I found that honestly confronting my fear and writing/talking about it helped. You might consider seeing a therapist, or writing a journal, or even just meditating about it for a few minutes each day.
Hopefully this is helpful.
I read this book with my guys when they were 4, and we knew my grandfather's time was short. I imagine it may be helpful for your three year old. It's quite simple and straight forward. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children
Lifetimes is quite a good book about death for children. https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021
I really liked this book for explaining her grandparents' death to my daughter:
Beyond reading it to her, I also found it comforting and calming for me when I read it to her.
If your family is religious there may be other texts that do a better job giving context and meaning to death, but as someone who doesn't follow any particular religious teachings, I really liked the way this book presented things.
Other than that, I would just try to be involved. There can be a lot to do with legal documents, property, burial, etc. Call and ask how they are doing and what has been keeping them busy, and then see how you can help with that?
I really, really like reading this book to my kids when we talk about death. https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1478733533&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=lifetimes+death+children%27s+book Basically, it says dying is part of living. That all living things are born, have their lifetime, and die. It's sad, but that's the way it is.
My daughter is the same age and very sensitive emotionally, so we've started talking about death because, well, sometimes we step on a bug and it dies and that's sad. She's never encountered the death of a person or animal she has a strong attachment too, though.
There's a lovely book called Lifetimes that is non-scary and easy to understand. It talks about how all living things have a lifetime. Some have short lifetimes and some have long lifetimes. This is not good or bad, it just is. It goes into a lot more detail and talks about feelings when someone/something reaches the end of its lifetime, but really is a lovely book. I haven't read it yet to my daughter, but I use that language to explain death to her when she encounters it (however minor these experiences really are). She seems to accept it, and it has the benefit of not bringing illness or age into the equation.
I think not sugar-coating it is best. This age your son is able to understand things better than you might think. One other thing I would add to that the previous poster said, is tell him that it is okay to be sad, that you and his dad are sad, too. And that he will probably always be a little sad but the feeling will get easier after a while.
These are 3 books I have on hand. My daughter was very broken up when our dog died, and her Grandmother is failing in health as well:
Curses (or anything else by Kevin Huizenga)
For narrative/creative non-fiction, I would recommend the memoir Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel. It also has a very well-received sequel that I haven't had the chance to read yet called Are You My Mother: A Comic Drama.
A lot of good ones here. Not action packed, but Fun Home by Alison Bechdel is one of the best-written graphic novels I've ever read.
I'm in the same boat pretty much. Just recently diagnosed as BP2 right after my 21st, and the way i've been handling it is learning as much as I can about my disorder. I would encourage you to look into An Unquiet Mind by - Kay Redfield Jamison. Also meditation and mindfulness really helps me and so does kicking caffeine it triggers severe mood swings for me.
Link to book on amazon
/user/myawardsfromarmy pretty much summed it up.
My mother is on the low-functioning end of the borderline spectrum, which means she has more symptoms and is less self-aware than a lot of other people with the disorder. I was referring to the fact that I had never seen her have any sort of moment of clarity or understanding, and there was no particular point when she was more considerate of others' feelings or less dangerous with money. It just didn't sound like the accounts I'd read of bipolar disorder.
If you want a really good description of bipolar disorder from a first person account, I recommend An Unquiet Mind.
You're already so much of the way toward controlling your mood disorder since you understand the importance of medication. You're almost there. There will come a time when your days will start becoming just normal.
It helps to be heavily engaged in any activity, job or even hobby that is not highly stressful, and has a social interaction component to it.
Hopefully I haven't rambled on too much. Sorry if I have! And I will finally answer your question. The top recommended books across a couple of sites and on the Amazon Best Sellers in Bipolar Disorder seem to be:
An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison being sold on Amazon for $10
The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz being sold on Amazon for $15
Best of luck to you, and remember there are far worse disorders out there. Yours is 100% manageable.
You said it, I "made it through." I didn't thrive, I didn't leave with any real job prospects, and only remember instances of my experience. I ruined relationships, had breakdowns, switched majors a bunch of times, and dropped a whole semester. I had the courage to seek medical guidance, but the topic of bipolar never came up. I had quick fixes; taking adderall to get through the academics and ambien to knock me out of the mania at night. In hindsight, I didn't know any better and this couldn't be any more unhealthy. Thankfully, I also exercised and ate well. For a while I even had an off campus job that held me accountable. Still, I partook in self medication (drugs and alcohol) by telling myself I was just experimenting even though it always set me back. I drove my parents up the wall so much so my mother would show up unexpectedly whenever things got real bad.
I wore a mask about my problems. I was the funny guy in my fraternity. I let my antics become a part of my identity. I made decent grades (3.4 gpa) and also had two minors. However, there were many days when I would meander around campus aimlessly not quite knowing what the hell I was doing. Life could have been better. The key is focus, which is almost impossible for any length of time when dealing with untreated bipolar. Looking back, I see my college experience as positive.That's the only way to make any sense of anything is seeing the positive. It was an insular place that serves not just academics, but in social affairs without ruining your reputation before getting to the 'real world'. Would I want to do it again? Probably not and I would more likely skip college altogether, at least right out of high school, but that's a different topic.
Unfortunately, I was not properly diagnosed until about 4 years later. I switched jobs, had to live at home for a bit, sold everything by attempting to live off a motorcycle and was hospitalized twice; once by baker act, the other for extreme mania. Now that I'm level, life is much better. I got a job that brought me to an awesome city, have a gf, nice apartment, and am always looking for healthy ways to expand my horizons. I go to a bi-weekly support group, something I highly recommend. The earlier you are diagnosed and treated properly, the better off you are, so consider yourself lucky. The key is self-awareness, that you have to accept it. If not your problems will become exacerbated. Surround yourself with positive people, eat well/exercise and learn as much as you can about bipolar. There are more resources that you think. I recommend starting with this book http://www.amazon.com/An-Unquiet-Mind-Memoir-Madness/dp/0679763309 and watch this documentary by UK celebrity Stephen Fry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj8hqXd7N_A Godspeed!
I highly recommend An Unquiet Mind. It's a memoir written by a psychiatrist who also suffers from bipolar disorder. Relating to those who have a mental illness is hard and I think this book can definitely be beneficial to those who have friends or family members who are bipolar.
One good site I recommend visit is http://www.bipolarworld.net/ and a really great book is An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness and is written by a bipolar psychiatrist. Unquiet Mind was the first book I read about bipolar disorder and has helped me to accept aspects of myself that I was ashamed of and/or did not understand previously. Great read for sufferers and friends/family of those sufferers.
If you want to hear a more anecdotal story about a life of a successful bipolar person with her fair share of psychosis and depression, I read this super quickly and I had been having a hard time reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
This book is about a journey through anxiety. The author is young and she was actually inspired by the author of the book above. First, We Make the Beast Beautiful: A New Journey Through Anxiety
If you want to read stories about great leaders who suffered through mental illness, including bipolar, along with the argument that those experiences made them the dynamic people they were with special abilities to be empathetic and reach people in ways others couldn’t, A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links Between Leadership and Mental Illness.
I bought this Bipolar Workbook but haven’t had the discipline to do it yet.
Her book is an amazing read too. http://www.amazon.com/Unquiet-Mind-Memoir-Moods-Madness/dp/0679763309
True, it's different for everyone, but don't be afraid to ask. I was 32 before I finally got diagnosed. But finally having a name for it was a huge help. It took some time to finally find the combination of meds that worked for me.
Some things that have helped me along the way:
Keep track of your moods, and note things that changes your moods
Stay away from alcohol, it can destabilize you
Watch your diet, foods have a big impact on how you feel
Find a doctor that you are comfortable with. Being able to communicate will make a huge difference in your treatment.
Even if you are feeling better, don't stop your medication.
Stay active. Sometimes this is hard, but in my case the busier I am, the better I feel.
*Don't be afraid to ask for help, we can all use it sometimes
There are a ton of resources, here are a couple to get you started:
An unquite mind
Right now I'm reading this book, its pretty good so far. I like watching horror movies when I'm high, however it scares the shit out of me..
The book The Denial of Death goes into this. It can be a bit dense but the tl;dr is, humans don't want to die and create institutions and rituals that allow us to deny that we will die. For many that comes from the church, nationalism or the drive to "leave a legacy."
Not sure if it's exactly what you're looking for, but what came to mind immediately was The Denial of Death
The philosopher Ernest Becker explores this concept in-depth in his award winning book The Denial of Death. It's worth checking out if youre interested in this:
Denial of Death
Yes, I agree, the basic problem is the denial of death. Becker's book on this is the most comprehensive that I have read: https://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402
I have a strong fear of death too, but I think that planning to do cryonics has helped me to alleviate some of it. I'm glad to hear that thinking about death-related topics helps your anxiety.
The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker
A deep book without doubt. This book shows how central death is to our lives. The author died of cancer a year after the book was published.
Check out this book on Amazon or your local library.
Bottling up your emotions will land you in therapy if you're lucky and give you a heart attack if you're not.
You think "feeling like a guy" means not having feelings? You're wrong. Not just, "that's your opinion," wrong, wrong-wrong.
There's a shit ton of literature on the poor health and social outcomes for men in cultures where they're expected to be "stoic." In lieu of doing a lit review, you can read this for an overview:
Feelings are something everyone has whether they want them or not. Becoming an emotionally mature adult means accepting that and learning to deal with them.
Other people have written really amazing advice already, so I don't have much to add. I second the "find a good therapist" recommendation - but you might also consider a couples / family therapist. Having someone who can meet with you together but also have individual sessions with each of you might really help. That is, if you want to pursue the relationship with G. If he refuses to do therapy with you, that'd be pretty telling too.
I have another book for you to read - it might be more comforting too. "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real was recommended to me by my therapist. It's about depression in men and how it's often translated into anger - and how family therapy can help them recognize the problem and break the pattern.
I don't know what the right answer is, but there are professionals who can help you figure it out. Hang in there.
Thank you. That's extremely helpful.
It seems like you already realize that men can be deeply affected by unemployment. They are urged by society to be providers, and if they can't do that, there is an inherent loss of self-worth.
It's wonderful that you're helping him and being a source of emotional support to him. Here's my worry, though: you being his sole source of encouragement is going to be too much for you to handle and may end your relationship. He's got to find a way to start taking care of himself and making healthy choices so the burden of holding the relationship together and holding his self-worth together does not fall completely on you.
Okay, on to the trust issue. The trouble is that once a serious lie comes to light in a relationship, the partner who was lied to can experience after-effects for some time after the lie is revealed. If it's something like cheating, then it's recommended that the partner who cheated become an open book so that their partner can slowly regain confidence in them. And it seems like he's going to need to do that regarding his job search and his feelings about it.
Because, like many men, his self-worth is tied to his employment status, this is very tricky. You do not want to try to become an amalgamation of supportive girlfriend/career counselor. You need to stay supportive girlfriend. You don't want to turn into his mother, or someone he feels he needs to report to, but you also need to know what is going on so you can continue to rebuild trust.
I would sit him down and have a conversation with him. Reassure him that you love him, believe in him, and want to stick with him through this rough patch. And then tell him your expectations.
You might suggest that the two of you start having a half-hour talk every week, where it is a safe space and you can talk about anything. The goal is to understand one another, not to judge. It's a place for him to open up to you and for you to open up to him so that you can continue to strengthen your relationship, no matter what else is happening in your lives. And then make sure that you have the meetings consistently so that you can stay connected and no one feels that they are going it alone.
If he is like most men, this will seem ominous to him, so make sure that you express positivity and appreciation during these meetings.
Men and women are encouraged to show different emotions. Women can show sadness and be feminine. Angry women are "bitchy" - not sufficiently feminine, and sad men are "weak", not sufficiently masculine. Of course, this takes a great toll on both genders. For men, who don't have access to full outlets to grief, it (like any unexpressed emotion) lingers, clouding your worldview, potentially leading to full-blown depression (potentially "covert depression"). A great book called 'I Don't Want to Talk About It' goes into this in some detail.
are your parents married? what is their relationship like? and your wife same? you don't have to answer me, but it usually takes a lot of intentional psychological work to change significantly from some of the more basic patterns they had.
I read this book :
and did a lot of "co-dependence recovery". It has helped.
3 kids - 44 years old same job last 15 years
I've read both of your posts and it's clear that you want the right thing for both yourself and your husband.
If I, or any of the other addicts here, had a magic phrase that you could tell your husband which would fix him, we'd all be cured. There's no easy, "this is what you should do" post.
For your husband: I suggest reading two books, neither of which are directly about porn addiction, but both of which were instrumental in my deciding to pursue recovery:
If you aren't in therapy, get in therapy, the sooner the better. You cannot fix your husband; the sooner you figure that out and find a way to articulate what you need, better. You may think it's 100% his problem. That may be correct, but you've been damaged by it. You can't fix him; you may be able to help him when he's had enough, but your number one job is to make sure you remain an intact and functioning person.
> Heaven is for real
Isn't this the book about the 4 year old preacher's kid who regales his tale to heaven during surgery? Why would anyone believe the story of a 4 year old and take that as evidence or truth?
If someone was looking for answers to the truth of an afterlife, they are not in that book. I'll take a scientist over a 4 year old any day.
Four and a half stars?!?
Not sure what you are moving past but this book was recommend to me when I was in a bad place after a break up by someone who used it after giving up alcohol (love can describe things beyond romantic relationships)
In addition to the Buddhist advice given here, you may consider looking into doing some CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or ACT (Acceptance or Commitment Therapy) to work with your anger directly so that you can untangle unskillful thinking and behavior patterns that may be stuck.
You can either work in professional setting or do the work on your own. Here are two resources that I found extremely helpful:
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns
Change Your Thinking by Dr. Sarah Edelman
Treat yourself gently and allow yourself time to process and the anger will subside in time.
I recomend "feeling good" by david burns MD https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1567778593&sr=8-1 I only read like the first chapter and it really helped improve my mood.
>The root of the problem has come from self realization that every individual is, in fact, alone. Everything is done for the individuals enjoyment... so what’s the point of being here if you’re not enjoying anything?
This part here was an important realization to me, the solution that I found out is that I should find what I enjoy and performs those activities to my own lonely enjoyment. this may involve others or just me.
>Also, everything is really pointless. You go to a pointless school to get a pointless job to get pointless money to feed your pointless family until you pointlessly die. The only “point” is fulfillment. If it isn’t fulfilling, there is NO point.
>Bottom line is I feel like I let everyone down. I feel generally alone and have almost no friends, my girlfriend is changing and I don’t like it. I am lost and I think I’ve reached checkmate.
Here you answer your first part, you should look towards fulfilling yourself you will always let someone down with every choice you make. the important thing is not letting yourself down. going to the left will disappoint the people that wanted to go right. picking chicken for dinner will disappoint the beef manufacturers, wearing a skirt will disappoint the pant makers. if whatever you do will disappoint someone, then why does that someone has to be yourself? it should be someone else.
Reading the book helped me change my perspective when I was doing unpleasant activities. Whenever I have to be in an uncomfortable situation I just choose to focus on the things I want and try to get some enjoyment out of it. for my general life I just realized that I should focus on my own and I have started dedicating things to myself, I went to the gym and set some goals for myself. I have disappointed some people along the way but I am doing what I want and I certainly feel better for it.
My solution was not perfect but I am happier than before.
I strongly recommend this book [As Nature Made Him] (http://www.amazon.com/As-Nature-Made-Him-Raised/dp/0061120561) about a much worse case of sex reassignment surgery that went terribly wrong. Pre-intenet, parents had virtually no information to go on and doctors suggested awful, stupid things, including especially to lie to their children. Very likely your parents are terrified that they made a mistake at every step but were told to keep you in the dark for your own good.
but babies have died having this done. not a lot, but it has happened. See this book for another horrible example of things going wrong:
Obviously what happened to David Reimer was horrible above and beyond the initial accident, but...why do this to a newborn if it's not necessary medically? It's just stupid, I can't think of another word for it.
Random books off the top of my head...
'The Movie Goer'
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl
Gang Leader for a Day
Ender's Game series
Pre-order Mindy Kaling's book
As Nature Made Him by John Colapinto, if we are thinking of the same book. The child in this one wasn't intersex; there was a botched circumcision involved.
I don't see the comment, but just FYI, there is a great book about this: http://www.amazon.com/As-Nature-Made-Him-Raised/dp/0061120561
If anyone is really interested in this case, I suggest reading the book "As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl". I read the book myself and noted are few things:
Develop many meditation techniques. Use what seems right at the time.
The meditation on sensations is amazing to do with regular sensations (pressure of the tush on the cush) as well as with pleasant sensations. Just let the attention focus on the most intense sensation, or the most pleasant.
Over many years I've worked on meditation on sensations, on the breath, on loving-kindness (and the rest of the Brahma Viharas), on memorizing inspiring quotes, on awareness of sounds, on presence, and way back when I did meditations on chakras. Whatever works.
Sogyal Rinpoche said in his book Tibetan Book of Living and Dying:
>Become a master of your own bliss, a chemist of your own joy, with all sorts of remedies always on hand to elevate, cheer, illuminate, and inspire your every breath and movement.
It's really a very difficult process to begin, don't feel bad for having a hard time with it at first. I started getting interested in it in 2007 and began reading books at about that time; I loved the concepts but the meditation part felt impossible. It really wasn't until almost a year and a half later that I had a breakthrough and meditation finally became somewhat more natural. I still struggle from time to time, but the struggle is worth what I get from it personally.
A few books for you:
Turning the Mind Into an Ally; Sakyong Mipham
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying; Songyal Rinpoche (this is a long read)
The Power of Now; Eckhart Tolle (This isn't Buddhism, but the tenants of much of the book are based on non-attachment, presence, and awareness... which are the basis of all forms of Buddhism, and Tolle presents them in a very accessible way.)
Yeah I know. I think (personally) the cult of death is something that needs to change. I never understood going to a grave to lay flowers on it. I never understood loss. I don't get sentimental at funerals or when I hear people have died. It's so remote from the now.
Check out this book sometime. It's hard to get through but there are some distinct and interesting passages about death and what happens to a 'soul.'
I think you are great, because you know that you DON'T know. :) This is the first step - when the cup is too full, learning cannot happen anyway. Continue exploring!!
I recommend the following "scientific" approach to learning about spirituality / do we even have souls -
old souls - studies of those who claim to remember past life
And finally, I really enjoyed
tibetian book of life and death
Science is wonderful, but it cannot answer everything - yet.
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying: The Spiritual Classic & International Bestseller
I can tell you my experience and maybe it will help you one way or another.
I was an agnostic atheist a bit disappointed with the Christian tradition I grew up in. In the context of a family drama, I picked up the Tibetan Book of the Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche, out of curiousity on how to deal with death. I found the Buddhist approach to death and spirituality to be so clear and lucid that it stirred something in me, inspiring me to go on the path of learning more and more about Eastern philosophy and, ultimately, religion. On this path I learned about yoga and then the philosophy behind it and, step by step I found my spiritual fulfilment in the Vaishnava philosophy (a branch of "Hinduism") and the practice of bhakti yoga.
The road took several years and it was based on finding answers to deep questions (who are we, where do we come from, what is life, what is death, what is the mind, what is the soul, what is God etc). The main attitude that propelled me forward was being open minded. And the main catalyst to progress was personal encounters with inspiring representatives of the traditions. I listened to online lectures on all Eastern schools, studied scriptures, met with serious and experienced practitioners and I gradually started to practice myself to verify the theory.
If you're in an undecided position I would recommend you start simply praying to the Supreme Being/The Universe (in general) to guide you to find your way and, from what I experienced, you will receive the knowledge and the means in unexpected ways. Meanwhile, you could start sampling philosophies of various schools (Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Vaishnavism etc) and see what inspires you. Trust your instincts.
In Vaishnavism, we believe that God is very eager to re-start His relationship with the souls and the human form of life is reserved for that very purpose. So, according to my tradition, the question you have asked ("How do I become religious?") is guaranteed to already move you closer to understanding of God and religion. It all hinges on your sincerity.
My personal book recommendations:
Tibetan Book of the Living and Dying
Bhagavad Gita (read the Introduction directly)
Six Causes - The Vedic Theory of Creation
I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours. Without maybe even realizing, you have already made progress. And to come back to my own journey, this is the idea that I meditated on the most before beginning any spiritual process:
"For the soul there is neither birth nor death at any time. He has not come into being, does not come into being, and will not come into being. He is unborn, eternal, ever-existing and primeval. He is not slain when the body is slain. " (Bhagavad Gita, 2.20)
Interestingly I could never really understand the Christian religion until I understood Buddhism. I always had a problem with the concept of "original sin". If we come from nowhere, how can a newborn baby have sin? It doesn't make any logical sense. However if you consider reincarnation means that we've had a limitless number of previous lives, it makes sense that we've probably done some bad shit in a prior incarnation. That's how come all newborn babies can be born with sin. Every question you can come up with about life and existence usually has a logical answer from the Buddhist perspective.
Also Buddhism accepts the existence of not just one god, but numerous gods. Thus Jesus and the Christian god can exist within the Buddhist philosophy, but trying to get to heaven is just a dead-end since it is only temporary. Unlike Christianity which promotes permanence (ie you go to heaven or hell forever), in Buddhism all states of existence are impermanent, even heaven and hell. 'Gods' in the Buddhist context are just another type of incarnation for sentient beings (like being human, animal, or ghost). It's possible that you've been a god in a past existence over beings in some other world-system and then that existence finished and now you're here being human again. Being Buddhist doesn't require you to believe in any of this. Many Buddhists disregard the entire cosmology and don't believe in gods, heaven, hell, ghosts, etc, and this is okay. Faith in these things isn't required to practice Buddhism if you'd rather just take it as a philosophy and apply it to your life in that way. Just be aware that there is no permanence and when you die you aren't annihilated, the consequences of your thoughts, actions, speech, and intentions from this life carry through to the next one, and the one after that, and so on.
Anyways, this book is a perennial classic. It's where many people get started. I'm sure some other users will chime in with other suggestions as well.
Good luck and thanks for your interest!
> as if to degrade striving for something.
but what are you striving for? sure, you might gain a lot of money, but will this end your suffering? In the end, you only truly need so much of it; after that, it just brings attachment. And you can be sure of this: you will loose all your material belongings, if only after you die.
letting go is very difficult, and I would hardly call this an easy road. The easy road would be to close your eyes to this truth. To quote the tibetan book of living and dying:
> When I think of [people who look on death with a naive, thoughtless cheerfulness], I am reminded of what one Tibetan
master says: "People often make the mistake of being frivolous about death and think, 'Oh well, death happens to everybody.
It's not a big deal, it's natural. I'll be fine.' That's a nice theory
until one is dying."
See: The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying
I’ve never studied Buddhism, but when I think of death and suffering (which is rarely), I often find myself recalling two, brief, passive encounters I’ve had with Buddhist thought.
The first was a radio interview with the Buddhist Sogyal Rinpoche, author of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. If I interpreted him correctly, for Buddhists, death is very much a part of every day life, like sleeping and eating is. It is an unemotional fact. It is not sad. He explained that monks like him live every moment in preparation for death, similar to preparing for bed. He said that westerners fear death in part because we don’t treat it as a simple fact of life and prepare for it every day.
Another time, I was channel surfing and came upon a documentary on Buddhists, also Tibetan, I think. (I can’t even remember the channel, let alone the program). One image really stuck in my head was of a funeral the monks gave for one of their own. They laid his body out in a field and then sat silently in a row near by watching buzzards eat his corpse. It was like they were watching him walk away. Death isn’t sad for them. It just is.
In short, I think their attitude is to embrace suffering and death, not to fight and fear it.
This book has really helped people I know:
I'm not entirely sure and there's probably no one answer. There's a lot of stuff on Tibetan perspectives of death and the religious rituals associated with it. Probably the most definitive work on this is Sogyal Rinpoche's The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying which is a contemporary commentary and explanation on W.Y. Evans-Wentz's now famous The Tibetan Book of the Dead. These books do cover some of what is SUPPOSED to be done to the body to prepare it for death and rebirth, but what is supposed to be done is not always the case. Especially with untimely death or the deaths of lay peoples.
Back on the physical plane however, it's difficult to say. The wealthy would typically cremate bodies. Wealth was needed because you needed to pay monks or shamans to preside over the ceremony. In cases of infant mortality, young children (2 or less) were typically placed in a river and floated down stream. It just wasn't considered economical, especially in a country where infant mortality was high, to spend endless amounts of money on cremation for infants.
I would have to look more into it, but I suggest looking into two things for the battlefield dead.
(1) Sky burial. It's a pretty common practice among Buddhists in general, and the Himalayas in particular. In Scorcese's Kundun there's a sky burial scene after the Dalai Lama's father dies. I hate this scene because it is portrayed as this bizarre, barbaric practice of desecrating a corpse and feeding it to vultures (gross!). While this is essentially the practice, in the Tibetan worldview, it is viewed as the ultimate act of compassion: to feed sentient beings with your corpse. It's the last thing you can give, and you give it. And the vultures aren't viewed as scavengers, but as sacred dakinis that arrive to approve of said compassionate act and grant good karma to the person. Since it is considered a compassionate act, one would need to make it clear ahead of time that they are committing their corpse to feed sentient beings, as opposed to cremation (otherwise it's just a tradition, and not a conscious choice to act compassionately).
(2) Not the 17th Century, but the culture of warfare probably didn't change enough to matter for your research, but here's an interesting story from Karma Phuntsho's The History of Bhutan
>In sending his troops to fight against his own powerful brother, Dungkar Gyaltshen was returning the favour Angdruk Nyim has previously shown him by sending military support from Wangdi to fight on his side against Pema Tenzin of Jakar. When Dungkar Gyaltshen was waging a war against Pema Tenzin, Angdruk Nyim is said to have sent a contingent from Wangdi under the command of his chamberlain Pemai Tshewang Tashi to fight for him in Tongsa. The warriors from Wangdi, however, were routed and the chamberlain was himself hunted down by the soldiers of Pema Tenzin until he jumped off the Thumangdra cliff near Tongsa. The story of this chamerlain's fateful journey eastward and the tragic end he met after being chased by the enemies has been captured in one of Bhutan's most well-known ballads in the Dzongkha vernacular.
I mention this (because it's a pretty awesome story) but also because it deals with battle and death seemingly (I haven't read it myself) from the battlefield rather than the historical stand point, and you may get contemporary ideas about how battlefield death is perceived in Tibetan cultures. My guess is that they're probably considered de facto sky burials and left to be feasted on by vultures. Family would probably go back to recover things like swords (which are expensive) or bones (which are sometimes ritual objects) but my guess is that most physical presence of warriors are left to deteriorate on the field.
You might want to check these out:
They might help you on your journey.
Death and NDE's used to be subject's of little interest to me until I read Sogyal Rinpoche's Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.
Of course, all of it is based in Buddhism but I feel he gives a most even-handed and wonderful introduction to the subject. In all seriousness, the book is the first one I would recommend for anyone seriously interested death Death, Buddhism, spirituality and healthy living in general. I keep buying it for all my friends who manifest the slightest interest in those subjects.
We are here on earth for one purpose only: to live in such a way that we familiarize ourselves most deeply with the process of death, because death is the single most important opportunity for liberation and enlightenment. Fear of death is the greatest source of suffering in this world. But if you [learn to] die before you die, when you die, you won't die.
Or as artman's father said:
>When you die, you'll know everything.
..provided you haven't been in denial about the inevitability of your own death for your whole life - a denial an overwhelming majority find themselves hanging to until the moment of their death where they realize they had the greatest opportunity to attain enlightenment during their lifetime, and just ignored it for the sake of pushing their fear and ignorance of the mechanism of death under the rug their entire life.
Good to know that scientists are finally getting interested in this and that the subject is getting more and more mainstream. Science can only help to attain a better understanding of the whole, cause as it stands now, Tibetan Buddhist masters are some of the only authority on the subject, and I'm pretty damn sure not many atheist will ever take them seriously...
You might enjoy On Killing then.
It does not deal directly with the tech (although the updated version might) but it studies the most basic element of war - how we are trained to actually kill other people. It is interesting how they have found civil war muskets packed full of musket balls which shows that many soldiers were pretending to fire and reloading on top of an unfired weapon to avoid having to kill. By Vietnam that had changed drastically.
I have it and have done a lot of reading on it to understand what's going on with it. If you're interested in the subject, here are a couple of books:
First is considered a seminal piece on trauma and its treatment, second was nominated for a Pulitzer.
The second one is more directly relevant to what you're talking about. Highly recommended!
I'd have to recheck my numbers but I thought they are in the majority, and certainly the more common abusers.
In any case, murderers are a very small portion of society, either men or women. Men are more physical and violent generally, but actually killing someone? I'm ex-military and can tell you as a fact, lots of guys might bar brawl but only a few percentage points would go the distance and kill someone unless and until they are trained (by modern, military indoctrination).
I mean, the vast majority of WWII vets did not fire their weapon; something like the 80/20 rule was in play where roughly 80% of the killing was done by 20% of the soldiers, with the rest getting ammo, tending to the wounded or just cowering and pissing their pants.
It was only in the Viet Nam era that they figured out how to get human beings - men - to kill other human beings. It was a rough start so Viet Nam vets have a reputation for being really fucked up.
Just as a guess, modern combat vets have better training and return support; a bunch of my buddies have done multiple tours in Afghanistan and don't seem more crazy than before. They have wives and kids and functional lives.
For more information, read On Killing.
The reason we as a species have been so successful is that we tend to cooperate rather than kill each other. We enjoy playful - but dangerous - competition.
Using knives is simply more difficult on a physical and mental level to both inflict mass casualties and actually carry out the act of killing. Even highly motivated psychopaths can't inflict as many casualties - the only benefit is the degree of stealth it allows the perpetrator (e.g. gunshots allow groups to know which areas to flee from).
There's a great book on the subject called On Killing by Dave Grossman that explains our basic resistance to killing people and how de-humanizing the process by making it a less personal process makes it easier. An intuitive argument that killing someone with your bare hands is much more difficult mentally than as a predator drone operator, but a great read nonetheless.
3% of men feel no empathy and have no trouble killing. Check out Lt Col Dave Grossman's book "On Killing". Research was done by the US army.
Great book, even if it's not exactly what you're looking for.
In Dave Grossman's book "On Killing" http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0316040932
he asserts that PTSD has more to do with the trauma of dealing with having killed in combat, rather than on having been in mortal danger. Thoughts?
I recommend all of you read the book, 'On Killing'.
While I disagree with the stance of violent media contributing to violence in culture, I recently came across the only substantive argument to support this message. On Killing is a book written by an army psychologist that talks about PTSD, the science that has developed the modern soldier into one of the best killing instruments in history, and in the end focuses on how violence inoculation used in training permeates into our culture. There aren't any causal relationships put forward, but he certainly provides some depth to the debate about violent video games and movies contributing to societal violence you never hear from politicians or preachers.
The book On Killing would likely be a place to find this stat. In the book he points out that throughout history most weapons fired in battle have not be aimed at anyone. He looks at the number of muzzle loading weapons left on battlefields in the Civil War with rounds packed on top of rounds because soldiers were going through the paces without firing on the enemy. Behavioral psychology was tasked with solving this problem in the latter half of the twentieth century in the US.
When people disconnect themselves from others, it's easier to kill them. If I thought of you as less than human, I would have a much easier time killing you. However, it's hard to do that because we share things in common, mainly western values, reddit browsers, etc.
When a nazi sees a jew as non-human, it's easier for things like this to happen. (one example)
So, in order for US troops to execute US citizens, the US troops would have to think US citizens aren't humans or so far removed from them that they can go about the task without breaking down. The book I linked covers that and the difficulty involved.
Considering the US military sees the US population as relatives and friends, it's not going to happen.
Dave Grossman has a book about this:
Dunno if it's any good.
Here's a great book about that.
20% of all U.S. soldiers were involved in wartime action with their personal weapons (rifle or sidearm) that resulted in an allied or enemy death during WW2. This isn't even factoring in combat from airplanes and mortars or otherwise "impersonal" warfare that might have occurred, which should account for a MUCH larger percentage. That is huge. Statistically, that means you had a 1 in 5 chance of shooting or being shot by an enemy just for enlisting. Your odds were even WORSE if you count potential injury or death from bombings.
There is speculation that the 20% figure is completely wrong and way below what it actually was; see some of my sources below. Either way, even if 1 in 5 was true, you cannot possibly argue that it wasn't brave to enlist.
We're expecting them to be easy to put through conditioning and be turned into the most effective fighters, developing good combat reflexes and executing orders under stress. The officers and NCOs leading these kids tend to at least be in their mid twenties.
The logic is you take the most effective age group and make them the most effective fighters and that way you minimize casualties.
This book is a good read and covers a lot of the psychology of it.
On Killing by LTC David Grossman has a chapter about how after the First World War, the US Army changed the way it conducted marksmanship training, by switching out "pie plate" targets for more human-shaped ones. It increased unit lethality 10 fold in WW2. He cites the whole "dudes missing on purpose" thing as one of the reasons for change.
Is that the book?
>Do some research on killology and maybe read https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
"Educate yourself shitlord" is not an argument.
It's a cheap deflect people that like to make up numbers (99.99%!!11) use when they cannot prove what they say.
>Why do you think are there only a handful of Muslims actually committing terrorist attacks? What do you think is the reasoning behind that?
There are also people aiding them and inciting others.
France close down 3 mosques - 334 war grade weapons found - 223 arrests.
Islamist extremists hide huge stockpile of weapons near German mosque.
There are plenty more of links of other mosques if search on google...this fact alone proves that your idea of "just because they believe it's good doesn't mean they do it" is wrong.
Are you going to say this was just a "coincidence"?
That they aren't being helped by the local mosques?
Could you kill a man in cold blood?
You'd be surprised the changes a mind undergoes when it learns to kill.
Destin and Matt should read On Killing
This book was basically required reading in my platoon (1/4 Wpns, Errrah) back in the day.
The point is that while there are lots of first hand accounts there is no corroborating evidence of it happening which calls those accounts into question. Lots of people claim to have seen Bigfoot, aliens and the Loch Ness monster but there is no proof of those either. If it was as widespread as the many later claims that were made there should be something from that time backing it up yet so far nobody has found it. Even if not a photo or footage there should be something that was written at that time which would mention it given the barrels of ink that were used writing about the domestic turmoil the war caused.
So, while it is impossible to prove that it never happened the lack of evidence makes it seem as though it is a figurative stance that many people take as literal. In my opinion that figurative spitting was done more by the government than the population when the soldiers came home. On Killing is a good book on the psychological toll that many soldiers were left to deal with on their own, it gets a bit repetitive in places but it's a good read.
There is a great one of a kind in depth book on whys and hows of killings - On Killing by Dave Grossman https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
Read the book "On Killing" if you'd like more information on what war does to people. Pretty horrifying stuff.
Lt Col GROSSMAN in his book has fight / flight and posture / submit
It might seem a little removed and certainly doesn't answer all your questions, but I would suggest On Killing by Lt Col Grossman . Most libraries seem to have an ecopy of it and its follow on book On Combat these days.
Neither of these books answers your questions in totality, but they certainly give the basis for a strong argument for why a military force would spend time (a precious commodity) to train individual skills and confidence. I tried typing out the arguments but had trouble unmixing and it wasn't very readable.
As an overview, all groups are made of individuals, all individuals choose on some level to be part of a group, and most humans will not bodily harm or kill someone they view as a human. So making individuals responsible to the group and giving rote actions (push-step-stab-lock) versus telling them to kill resulted in much more effective forces. As an example we have data on, look at the firing rate among WWII riflemen (the majority did NOT fire their rifle, even when being fired at, and even of the firing group most did not aim to kill) but machine gun teams were wildly effective at killing in comparison. There are other ways to physically and psychologically distance oneself from the kill. The most obtuse I will point out would be training to parry spear attacks, it gives the spear man a reason to think he didn't kill anyone, as everyone has trained to deflect a stab.
Go ahead and give this book a read.
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316040932/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_CRAMub1BEJX95
This book talks about the natural aversion we have when killing another human and the study they did after WWII and how they learned to train today's soldiers to kill more effectively. The main method is the use of life-like targets from silhouettes to mannequins. Also the use of video like games for training, they learned this from the kids who played "Duck Hunt". The kids who grew up playing "Duck Hunt" significantly cut the learning curve how to shoot a pistol and hitting the target.
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316040932/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_nNmczbEJ70HEP
Not a memoir, but On Killing by Lt. Col. Grossman is a "landmark study of the techniques the military uses to overcome the powerful reluctance to kill, of how killing affects soldiers, and of the societal implications of escalating violence" and might be of use to you. It's more psychology than philosophy, but could still certainly lend itself nicely to a philosophy paper.
Not sure if you've had therapy for this, but here are a couple books. On Killing is mostly about killing in combat but the impact is universal. The Body Keeps the Score is an instant classic on dealing with trauma. Good luck to you, take care of yourself.
Texas License To Carry (LTC).
First, I learned my state's laws. Then I carried.
Do you mean comfortable carrying a gun or do you mean comfortable with shooting a person in self defense? Two very different things. The former came naturally for me. The latter I learned in 1973 at Fort Leonard Wood, MO.
For the former, get good training in shooting and knowing the law. For the Law of Self Defense, see lawofselfdefense.com . For the latter, read LTC (Ret) Dave Grossman's On Combat and On Killing.
Another great book, if interested in the psychology of combat and fighting is On Killing by Dave Grossman.
The only part of the government that is going to need "stood up to" is law enforcement and then military, you won't have senators and house reps doing jack. LEO and Military both are filled with staunch 2A supporters.
Do you really see tanks rolling through neighborhoods firing with wild abandon to quell an uprising? Remember it takes people willing to kill their countrymen over an idea that they themselves may support, some might be able to pass it off as having taken an oath but most will not.
It might be easy to kill people from another culture or another race because it's easier to see them as subhuman but when you're fighting someone who looks like your family or friends, it's a whole different ballgame. Grossman talks a lot about this in his book.
>Changing the tool used to commit violence doesn't help us
You might want to do some reading on this, kid. Start with military experts, for example:
Military parades are proven to dramatically inhibit the development of PTSD in returning servicemen.
I am so surprised that with all the talk of needing better mental health services in this country this isn't a widely known fact. It is a chapter in the heavily researched book [On Killing.] (https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932)
If this parade became a regular thing it could be a step in saving countless veterans from suicide and depression.
Came here to find "On Killing" and here it was. This needs to be upvoted more. That book is phenomenally insightful into the mind of people who have killed and had to live with it.
I iterate: read "On Killing"
I read this book. No one tries to wound, they try not to hit the other guy at all.
You might be surprised how difficult it is to shoot someone with a gun. I started reading a book called On Killing which talked quite a bit about how difficult it is to kill other people, even with guns during war.
Its worth noting that the author is a former Army Ranger, and taught psychology at West Point.
I don't think there is a coherent "Republican" opinion on why. When I have asked most state that the US and Britain have the same murder rate they just don't use guns which is not true. I believe its a bit of cognitive dissonance.
About 60% of homicides are firearm related which is a significant portion. If you believe what was written in on killing (http://www.amazon.com/On-Killing-Psychological-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932) the ease of use of a weapon plays a large part in being able to kill. So of that 60% if guns were not available a significant # would not translate into death by other means.
On Killing is one of the most fascinating non-fiction books I have ever read. It deals with a person's natural resistance to killing their own species, how it has affected warfare, how these resistances are overcome, and the cost of overcoming them. It's an incredible read.
Here you are: On Killing by LTC (ret) Dave Grossman. It's good, I recommend it.
I'm so sorry for your loss and how painful this is. Thank you for sharing.
I don't know if this fits here, but I'd like to share a book (https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932). It discusses how training soldiers has changed so much since WWII and makes a pretty strong point as to why suicide among veterans has skyrocketed so much since the Vietnam War.
Given how much training has changed it has become so much harder for our veterans to adjust. We have to recognize this and drastically increase the services and support that we offer. Their lives and service is too important for us to consider anything less.
You know..... I read stuff like this about badass WWII military men - and it's cool and all, I can only hope to have a fraction of the courage this guy had.... and Yet I then read articles and books specifically devoted to analyzing the act of killing and its 'ease' as our culture progresses over time - such as this book, [on killing] (http://www.amazon.com/On-Killing-Psychological-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932).
Did you know that up to and even including WWII the vast majority of soldiers never actually shot to harm? This book even goes on to say that the estimate is 70% of all bullets shot in WWII were done so out of guns that were purposely aimed over their foe's head.
So what does this mean in the grand scheme of things? This book and many other sources portray detailed accounts on how the military has specifically developed methods to rid their soldiers of this trait; to desensitize them, if you will. Does that mean the only reason I think it is badass that Baker went down with guns blazing is because our culture as a whole has progressed to this point of violent desensitization?
Does this mean that Sergeant Baker was an anomaly.... does that mean in his time he was an animal?
Nope, but I found a lot of pages from Google stating 30.4%. Maybe these are sites copying one another which is the norm. I got my figure from a book. Possibly On Killing by Dave Grossman.
It's important to understand that when there is a draft going on, the word "volunteer" loses a lot of its meaning. Whether draftees actually comprised the majority of casualties is true or not, the widespread belief was that you would be a lot better off in terms of training and assignment if you enlisted for a 4 year hitch, than a two year draft. The military had more reason to invest in advanced training if their man is going to stay in longer.
I think we all know someone that has been to war and taken a life.
These are people that were, without a doubt, fighting for their very lives. In a situation where it is absolutely kill or be killed, where these men and women have been psychologically trained to hate and kill their enemy, 98% still come back troubled by the lives they have taken.
I believe that without a doubt he regrets that night, and probably even pulling the trigger. It takes a cold blooded killer to not be affected by something like that.
If you want a really fantastic book regarding the mindset of people that have killed, check out On Killing by Dave Grossman. It will give you a whole new respect for cops, soldiers, or anyone that has ever had to pull a trigger.
edit: forgot to make my point
You are right that guns make the physical act of killing easy. There is a seminal book on the psychological difficulty of taking a human life called On Killing.
From the author Dave Grossman's research:
" During the First and Second World Wars, officers estimated that only 15-20 percent of their frontline soldiers actually fired their weapons, and there is evidence to suggest that most of those who did fire aimed their rifles harmless above the heads of their enemy."
Unfortunately, Grossman speculates that TV and video games make killing easier, so I don't buy his conclusions, however interesting his data. Still, it is considered an important work.
This is the book i read on the subject.
Book that discusses that, great read...
EPIC LENGTH WARNING
One way terrible things can happen is for many people to take on small pieces of responsibility for making an evil thing happen. This is all hypothetical and blind guessing with no research into how this hospital happens to be run, so don't take it as analysis, but as a thought exercise, let's say that the hospital is owned by a corporation and the Board of Directors tell the CEO that his job is on the line if he doesn't reduce costs.
Does the CEO say "dump patients?" Does the board say, "CEO, dump patients?" No. The CEO says "Our corporate goal is a XX% reduction in the costs of treating uninsured patients across our network of hospitals."
The CFO now analyzes which facilities have the highest costs and through a chain of intermediaries, tells this facility in Vegas, "YOUR goal is a greater percentage cost reduction, because your costs are overrunning by more than the other facilities' costs do. You are to get this done, period, and it comes directly from the CEO."
The hospital director knows his job is in danger, so he gathers the staff and says, "We need you all to impress upon your teams that the cost of treating uninsured patients must be reduced dramatically. We will reward teams that reduce their cost overruns for uninsured patients." Nowhere in that meeting does he give more than a token mention to the hospital's code of ethics or the Hippocratic oath -- of course, it's a hospital, if you asked him he'd say it went without saying, but the managers hear, correctly, "Forget ethics, we MUST meet this goal or this facility may be closed as too costly."
The department heads go back and tell their teams, "Anyone who is running up big bills for uninsured patients is in danger of being placed on a Performance Improvement Plan. You need to be more cost-conscious. We're spending too much. Find ways to cut costs."
Then in this environment, an uninsured schizophrenic walks in the door for the 17th time off his medication and self-harming again. They know he has family in Iowa. They know the last time he came in, he ran up $35,000 in costs that were denied by Medicaid and were never recovered and written off. Night nurse looks at night doctor looks at night orderly looks at custodial staff, and somehow it's decided that they'll put him on a bus to Iowa, because everyone just got an ass-chewing about costs and someone's going to lose a job if a $35,000 bill that will never be paid gets run up tonight, and then who's supposed to care even for the patients who can pay?
The night staff say, "It wasn't our fault. We just did what we had to do to keep our jobs to keep providing patient care."
The department heads say, "It wasn't our fault. We just told them to watch the costs. We didn't tell them to dump patients."
The director says, "It wasn't my fault. I expected our department heads to explain that the cost-cutting goal wasn't an excuse to violate our Code of Ethics here."
The CFO says, "It wasn't my fault. I just crunched numbers and told them what numbers to hit. I'm just the math guy. I don't make the decisions as to how you hit numbers."
The CEO says, "It wasn't my fault. I just set an ambitious goal to deliver shareholder value by reducing cost overruns throughout our network of care facilities. That's what I'm here for. I'm very disappointed that facility made the decision it did."
The BoD says, "It's not our fault. We invested our own money in this corporation. We just want value for money. All we asked is that the CEO do what we hired him for, and get this business growing by reducing costs."
The President says, "It's not my fault. I tried the public option, and I had to trade it away to get anything at all, because insurers wouldn't budge."
The insurer says, "It's not our fault. We pushed for a national insurance mandate so we can cover every patient. It'll be in effect soon. There may be some continued challenges in delivery of care in the meantime."
The voters say, "It's not our fault. This is all too complicated to understand, and there's nothing we can do about the influence of money in politics. We can't afford higher taxes--we need to save and scrimp already in case we ever need health care, so we don't end up in that position."
And nobody takes responsibility, because nobody made the whole decision, and the person who looked a patient in the eyes and gave him a bus ticket instead of care sleeps soundly thinking they're just a victim of the system--and unfortunately, they're right, because even with a nationwide nursing shortage, the quickest way to lose your job as a healthcare provider is to take personal responsibility for patient outcomes, because that creates costs and liabilities to the hospital.
The Sociopath Next Door
Note that none of these are about the health care industry and only one is about politics at all. They're just about how people work and what kinds of people can do bad things.
and for the record I don't have any connection to any of the authors or publishers or anything similar
Never in any military, but these are some that I've read that I enjoyed.
On Combat and On Killing by Dave Grossman.
Something a bit more fun. the SAS survival handbook.
I've heard that some military studies include the book of Joshua in the Bible.
I will just refer you to The book "On Killing" it's 400 pages long. I tried to get a digest of the main points.
Here is a link
On Killing is required reading at the FBI Academy and is on the United States Marine Corps' recommended reading list. If you don't want to - Here is a short review with counter-points.
Read On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society by Lt Col David Grossman. He is a former West Point psychology professor, Professor of Military Science, and an Army Ranger. And sorry, he's on your dad's side, not yours.
Because no one has said it yet: You could very well benefit from seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I suffered from depression for years, and seeing a psychiatrist and beginning a regiment of wellbutrin and cognitive behavioral therapy was very helpful to me.
I think that cognitive behavioral therapy would be particularly beneficial to you because of the second point you raised. You're describing irrational, harmful, negative thought patterns that you need to teach yourself to recognize and address.
Buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449721256&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=feeling+good+hand+book
It will benefit you greatly to read this.
As for exercising, whether or not there's a class available, you should definitely continue to do it. Exercise is good for your mood.
Not gender specific, but How to Survive the Loss of a Love helped me (a female).
I just got out of a very serious relationship and I'm completely broken beyond words can describe. I got a book last week called How to survive the loss of a love and read it anytime I feel helpless - I actually gave her my original one when we met for closure yesterday and bought another last night. It's really been helping. I love this girl with everything I've got and things just didn't work out. I feel your pain, things will be ok, the hard part will be over soon. If it was meant to be, it would have been. Pick your head up and be strong, most importantly, never let someone else control how you feel.
Edit: The book - http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439
Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:
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