Reddit reviews Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child

>angry entitled brat

One thing science has shown us about labels is that they become self-fulfilling prophecy. We act in ways that encourage others to live up (or down) to our expectations.


>Once i started working however my dad and mom would take him to and from school and then watch him until the evenings ... Well i recently quit my job...

You had not been his primary caretaker for a long while. Your expectations are significantly different from his previous caretakers. From his perspective, this is a big transition. (Which is punctuated daily by the transition from school to home.)

>after he would calm down id talk to him about how disrespectful he is and how i will not put up with his attitude and how ugly he acts in front of me, his teacher and his friends. I'd usually also punish him and send him to his room

None of this negative stuff helps him in coping with the transition or rebuilding your relationship. It does just the opposite. If you're going to use behaviorist methods, do what the research shows actually works: focus on praising and rewarding the little things he gets right rather than focusing on punishing the things he gets wrong.

But I'm not a behaviorist myself. I'd rather focus on empathy and problem-solving to get things done. Some good books that focus on this are How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen (the rest of the How to Talk series are also good, and I might particularly recommend Siblings Without Rivalry) and Raising Human Beings.

It can help to get a therapist to consult with about parenting methods. It can help SO MUCH and a therapist can help you figure out which hard parts are normal and which parts may be manifesting due to your trauma. Find a therapist that specializes in moms and traumatized moms.

Also... once your kid is a little older, use this parenting method described in an amazing book about collaborative parenting. I came from a very punitive culture in redneck USA and, on top of that, I was raised by abusers with a lot of black and white thinking. My parenting has tended to be too controlling and did not listen enough to my children's concerns. This parenting method is AMAZING and teaches you how to work with your kid to find solutions vs. you just imposing your will on them without even understanding what their struggle is, etc. My therapist says this method is good starting at about age 4 or 5... so read it BEFORE your kid gets to that point. The collaborative method has been around a long time and there is a lot of data about it if you google it... it's not just some kooky book I picked up in a bargain bin.

Check out Ross Greene's Raising Human Beings. You might have to adjust your perception of what you currently think of as "discipline". I don't have a teenager yet and I don't know your situation but I don't think that a punishment arms race is going to solve anything. Maybe it's time for a new approach, like "Plan B" as described in the book?

No-Drama Discipline, Raising Human Beings and How to talk so kids will listen are three feet away on my bookshelf right now. These were absolutely vital to me as a new parent.