Reddit reviews The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

I'm sorry nobody visited you in the Hospital. Everyone deserves a visit in the hospital.

> Nothing in life has colors, for me everything is bland, black and white, everything bores me ... I really don't have any motive

It's the internet -- I cannot make a diagnosis, and I'm not a therapist -- but what you describe above matches my understanding of depression.

> I've always felt like I'm the third wheel in everything and they probably just include me out of courtsey.

Other people's response to you, and your interpretation of their response to you, are both heavily influenced by how you view yourself.

> I don't want to think about suicide because if I do, I'm afraid I might actually do it ... I want it to end somehow, I just don't want to be the one who causes it.

We can think and talk about suicide without actually doing it. Lookup suicide ideation. I've had suicide ideation for over 30 years.

Have some faith in yourself.

If your experience of life sucks, it's not unreasonable to seek an escape. Obviously suicide is one way to do that. But you haven't given up on life yet -- or you'd already be dead. Fortunately for you (and me), there are other solutions...

> I want to change my way of life,

At the age of 18, you're at the perfect age to start healing work. You have your teen years mostly behind you, and your 20's and 30's lie ahead. Any improvement you make now will last your lifetime, with compounding interest.

You have plenty of time to foster the types of relationships you seek -- you're just emerging from the gauntlet of childhood -- not entirely unscathed it would seem.

Since this is reddit and not (entirely) a support group, I'll end with some recommendations:

• you need someone to talk with -- a good listener. Not someone who's going to try and solve your problems for you. I strongly recommend a therapist you feel comfortable with; a real-life person is best, if possible. Just a few sessions to help you with a diagnosis would help. Also try on-line forums; don't be afraid to sign up to forums for survivors of trauma or child abuse. Poke your nose into different places and see if anything sticks to you. Healing work is healing work, independent of the instigating trauma.
  
  
• Read some psychology books. I recommend anything by Alice Miller like "The Drama of the Gifted Child", but really anything that piques your interest. You don't have to read them cover-to-cover -- I tend to scan them and read the bits that catch my interest. Your local library likely has a mountain of psychology and self-healing books. Don't take anything as gospel or truth (especially the pop-psyche books <shiver>); everything is a potential mirror to help you understand yourself more.
  
  
• I don't know if this will do anything for you, but... Imagine there's a mute person in your head, watching, listening to everything you say... and they control your emotions (ie: what you feel). You must call a truce and make peace with this person. "I hate myself" is better said as, "I hate my experience of life". "I am weak" becomes "I feel weak". These word games may not seem important, but it's important to validate and acknowledge your feelings, not just feel them and go "yuk, this sucks" and push them away.
  
  Self-healing cannot make you into Brad Pitt, but it can help you accept yourself and lead to a greater sense of contentment. And all the energy that goes into your self-hating can instead be directed to enjoying and improving your life.
  
  Best of luck.

Drama of the Gifted Child

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465012612/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1/192-3095771-7400916?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1CVP3VT8EH5XAEDN4KS9&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687702&pf_rd_i=0465016901

read it!

I like pizza. I like ladies. I like panties. ;]

I love to have this book. It should really help me better understand myself.

I would suggest reading the following books:

http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-True/dp/0465012612/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323483898&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323483921&sr=8-1