Reddit reviews The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

I read through all of your comments. It was interesting to say the least.

You make excuses for yourself a lot and not even good ones. "I guess it was x [insert stress, hormones, gluten] that made me do it." is so fucking weak. Take some responsibility for your actions. Stop being a child & man up.

You need to get some insight. Thanks to your insecurities, self destructiveness, immaturity & self-absorption, you will continue to emotionally abuse people and you'll either push people away, or more horrifically, end up being with an enabler that allows you to abuse them.

Face the demons in your past. Face up to the kind of person you are being. Maybe therapy will work for you. Maybe you need to read more & gain some perspective on yourself. Maybe you need to confront your parents. I don't know what your problem is but you do. Fucking deal with it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abusing/dp/0471454036

Maybe start here: http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Emotionally-Abusing-Others

So much wrong with this:

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18f dating 30m, - so many threads on how bad this dynamic is.

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In love after only 4 months. That isn't love. That's infatuation. You don't even know him yet.

" And had his mother abandon him when he was a baby. " look up Borderline Personality Disorder. It is very common in this exact scenario.

" He’s been in jail and is currently on probation for some dumb like car theft. "..

..he makes good choices in life.

"But he literally disapproves of me posting online. He called me attention seeking because I posted a picture I sent him. And he genuinely gets mad I’m insecure and takes it as his words aren’t enough to make me happy. "

Controlling and manipulative

" I’m very submissive (but also very much a princess), it’s just my personality and of course that carries into our sex life so he kinda just expects me do what he says "

Pressures you into doing sexual things you aren't comfortable...could be assault. At the very l;east, he doesn't respect your boundaries.

" He also doesn’t have a job "

At 30 he doesn't have a job or a career.

"And she refuses to fill his tank for him so I am constantly. "

Needs his mommy to fill his gas tank so he can date you.

"Also it’s like I have no time for myself ever. "

Smothering and controlling.

" I’m always paying for our dates "

The 18 year old is more grown up than the 30 year old.

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Ok...you get the picture. The guy is a loser. There are multiple reasons why women his age won't date him. He is also manipulative and I guarantee an emotional abuser. Now for some constructive help. Please go buy this book off of Amazon.

The emotionally abusive relationship...chapter 8 will be an eye opener.

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If you really want to take a deep dive into abusive behaviour, get this book too.

https://www.amazon.ca/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Psychopath+Free&qid=1556035822&s=gateway&sr=8-1#customerReviews

It will help you understand who he is. Understand why you are attracted to him and give you tools to deal with it. You can also look at it another way. What exactly are you getting out of this? If this is the best it can be (still should be in the honeymoon phase) you can guarantee it is going to get a lot worse. You don't indicate that there has been anything physical yet but my spidey- sense tells me you just omitted it so he wouldn't come off looking worse.

Please believe me when I say that you are being emotionally abused. I'm sure it's hard to see that, because you love him, perhaps that is why you tolerate so many things which would likely be unacceptable to you if a friend did them to you. Perhaps that is also why you make excuses for him.

He insults you knowingly and then blames you when you get upset. I suppose you say you are oversensitive because he told you that you are. In fact you are reacting normally to insults. I guess he also told you that you have an anger problem, to undermine your legitimate anger when he says and does hurtful things.

He hurts you and when you are legitimately upset, he turns that on you to make himself appear to be the victim.

People do sometimes say mean things without meaning them, the difference between that and abuse is that they acknowledge the harm they caused, they apologize and then they do not do the same thing again.

The fact that he is controlling and expects you to wait for his permission to do things is also abusive.

>I really do have anger and sensitivity issues. It's been a problem with relationships in the past.

Where your exes emotionally abusive? Did they treat you similarly to how your boyfriend treats you now?

In many cases the reason why people abuse others and the one why people accept to be in abusive relationships lies in the relationship they had with their parents and the relationship between their parents. Abuse is handed down from parent to child.

The way your boyfriend's mother treats him is similar to the way he treats you (controlling finances for example).
Know that your boyfriend's issues run very deep and the only way he can change is if he commits to it and if he goes to counseling.

However
> The problem is that he knows he does it, and doesn't try to get himself to stop.

that doesn't seem to be the case.

Also
> I'm so insanely excited to adopt this puppy is to have something to occupy my time with, because even when my boyfriend and I are home together, he rarely wants to do anything other than sit around the house.

You must know, in your heart of hearts that this is not normal.
A puppy can't replace a healthy relationship. You are clearly unhappy, and if he doesn't change (and as you say, he doesn't want to), you will continue not to be happy. You cannot change your boyfriend no matter what you do. However, it is in your power to stop the abuse.

Please, please read this book. It will provide you with tremendous insight.

Also look at this and generally these

I hear you, and I have shared in your choice not to abandon an abusive partner in the past. I agree with you that often, abuse comes from a legacy of hurt and suffering that is repeating itself. I believe that if people are aware of their behaviors and thought patterns and emotional trauma and are willing and motivated to break the cycle, progress can be made. That said, I don't think that any relationship is worth prioritizing the physical or emotional safety of one partner over another, and that if one partner feels unsafe around the other partner, they should do what they can to get out and to be safe. Each person is special, and every relationship holds its own sacred allure - if this wasn't true, we wouldn't date or stay with abusive partners.

It's especially "sticky" for partners who are emotionally attuned to their abusive partners' suffering. When we can see the wounded child, we have a harder time painting that person as a villain. Sometimes we do this until it's too late. Sometimes we reach a breaking point within ourselves. Sometimes we maintain this dynamic for the rest of our lives. I have seen it play out in many different ways. People are complicated.

If your partner is able to admit that his behavior is or has been abusive, and wants to change, then there is indeed help for him. Therapy with a counselor is a great place to start. I would strongly recommend this route for the accountability that it provides.

However, if that's not a step that your partner is ready to take, here are some books that might be helpful for you and/or for your partner to read. You can find them all on Amazon:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

I wish you luck, and I encourage you to keep your own safety and well-being at the front of your mind. As they say, if you don't put on your own oxygen mask first, then how can you assist the other passengers in need?

Hey there. Please check out:

http://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse

and

http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382120517&sr=1-5&keywords=emotional+abuse

(there are PDFs of the book around, you can find a link in that sub).

Currently reading this book. Extremely insightful and interesting and could possibly be related to what you feel.

Do you have any recommendations on books?
I just purchased this. But it seems like most of the books I can find are geared towards victims.

one of the best books on the subject


http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254460682&sr=1-1