Reddit reviews The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child

My kids aren't yet 2yr, and we don't spank, but I have a few ideas. First, it seems your son is seeking your attention (negative or positive) by acting the way he does. He now knows if he doesn't put his toys away, he'll get your attention. I have twins so they get to play with each other for part of the day, but if they are not sleeping they want/need attention from an adult. I used to try to get a bunch of chores done in the morning before I left for work. I found myself getting agitated that my boys wanted to be picked up or played with while I was doing the dishes or sweeping or whatever. So now I'll get most of that stuff done after they go to bed at night, so my mornings are way less stressful. I can give them the attention they want which negates the need for them to escalate bad behavior to get my attention. I'm in a better mood because they are in a better mood. Also when they do behave badly we do timeouts and try as best as possible to contain our anger( no yelling, just convey disappointment in a calm way) . It helps calm them down by being calm yourself. Also folding clothes can be a chore both of you can do together (it will be slow going, but he will be getting your attention while you get some work done.)

Also we don't negotiate with terrorists! If they want something and we say no, no amount of pleading/begging/ tantrums will get them what we said no to. They learn really quickly that dad/mom will capitulate if they just yell long enough, kick their feet, cry, etc. I used to be the lightweight/push over, not anymore. Never give in.

Check out the book, "The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child", from the library or order a used copy from Amazon. He has a lot of good ideas that could help. Good luck.

I’m a big believer in The Kazdin Method by Dr Alan Kazdin PhD. He is the head of the Yale Parenting Clinic and head of Child Psychology at Yale University. He takes an evidence based approach and uses what’s been proven effective. The gist of his approach is: 1) focus on the positive opposite, in other words tell the child what you want them to do, 2) coach and practice the behavior with them in a non stressful environment and offer up specific, enthusiastic praise, 3) que them up to help set them up for success and 4) always offer specific and enthusiastic praise when they are performing the behavior.

For example, let’s say you want your child likes to run off around the house. Instead of telling your child to “stop running” you would use the positive opposite of “walking.” Once you’ve identified the behavior you want, you would take a minute to coach them on it when it isn’t stressful! allow them to practice, and praise them for walking. Throughout the day when you see them walking, praise it. If they’re running then you can que them up with “walking” and praise them when they comply. If they have a habit of running into the home when you get home, then you can que them up while you are pulling in, “remember that we walk inside the home...” and then praise when they walk. You can also utilize a “sticker chart” or when they get older a “checklist” to help, but praising is the important thing.

With regards to unwanted behaviors, his advocates for “extinction.” How do you extinguish a behavior? By not giving it any attention. Extinction, in and of itself, is not the strongest way to change a behavior, but when you couple it with reinforcement of the positive opposite, it can be a powerful tool. For example: just ignoring your child’s whining is not as effective as doing this but also being very alert to when your child makes a request, without whining, and saying “please”, and rewarding this accomplishment. Granted, you aren’t going to just ignore a child running with scissors, but hopefully you get the idea.

You would really need to be on the same page with your SO for any strategy to work, because you definitely don’t want to send conflicting messages. If you have an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship with an SO then I would suspect there are bigger issues that need to be addressed and professional help will be required to help any child process it.

Sorry about how I phrased that. I was afraid that if I just proposed a book then the people who were proposing a psychologist would vote me down. That book presents a method called Parent Management Training (PMT) that is based on 50+ years of parenting research and parent training results. There are a dozen or more randomized controlled trials that show that PMT is the most effective method that has been tested for this kind of thing, it's been called "the gold standard". Here's a partial summary of Kazdin Method:

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/10-tips-parents-defiant-children/story?id=8549664

As you can see, it's very different from what you are doing and this is a hopeful indicator. If you do what this book recommends the you will get two important things: (1) you will be using the most effective evidence-based methods and (2) you will stop doing many counter-productive things that are making him worse. The combo of 1 and 2 can be very powerful.

The author of the book is the head of the Yale Parenting Clinic and former President of the America Psychological Association.

Please read the Amazon reviews of Kazdin Method:

http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826


You will likely find that this evidence-based method causes a great improvement in your kid's behavior. And there is a chapter in the book that will help you determine if you really need a psychologist.

If you have health insurance, then you can probably get some sessions with a psychologist for a modest fee and that might help.

Try http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826

A friend (who works with children and whose opinion I trust) read and liked ["Parenting the Defiant Child"] (http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1419880497&sr=8-1&keywords=defiant+child) when she was struggling with her 11 year old daughter.

It would be for you to read, not your son.