Reddit reviews The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

Your wife sounds like she's stuck in that mindset of always displaying a strong face and never letting down her emotional guard, not trusting anyone with her feelings, and not establishing a true connection with anybody. She's running the family like a business and letting her logic dictate everything, and treating you like you were hired together to raise children and being a perfectionist who's very hard and tough on both of you in meeting unrealistic expectations while not providing support for each other. I'm reading a great book on relationships that would explain this very well: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Other-startling-boardroom-beyond/dp/0061777145/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1523764640&sr=8-2&keywords=power+of+the+other

If your wife thinks counseling is taking it outside of the family then she probably doesn't rely on anyone for support and it's taking its toll because we all need connection. She needs to learn how to trust you and open up, maybe the book will be enlightening to you both about how relationships can work.

It's very hard to maintain a relationship like this because it tires both of you out, but you can't possibly change to please her unless she changes her mindset first. It's not about her working on the marriage, it's about her working on herself. I'm sure she wants to be happy, but she needs to let down her guard and trust you with difficult feelings and stop pretending everything is fine all the time, there really is no need. Did something happen to make her feel unsafe to display her true emotions?