Reddit reviews When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart: Coping With Mental Illness, Substance Abuse, And The Problems That Tear Families Apart

As a bride whose brother is also in jail/treatment for mental health related shit, I can relate! Court dates in between wedding related stuff kinda put a damper on everything, and it is likely he will not be at our wedding either. No one in the family is being shitty about either. Just focus on what you can control as best you can.

And IDK if your parents are big readers but I gave my mom this book (that is not an affiliate/referral link before anyone asks) and it gave her permission to just let him go. My parents were enabling him for awhile and it was taking a toll on their marriage. It's possible they're freaking out about the religion thing just because it's something they can control.

You're doing such a good job though, get support where you can, but also let people know when they need to back off (coughcoughFMILcoughcough). It can come from good places and people probably think they're being helpful and don't realize when they aren't. You got this!!!

> When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart: Coping With Mental Illness, Substance Abuse, And The Problems That Tear Families Apart

> Paperback – December 3, 2013

> by Joel Young (Author), Christine Adamec (Author)

(Amazon link for reference.)

(Both Barnes and Noble and Amazon provide a sample of the book, including the introduction and a view of many parts of several chapters.)

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Description:

> Behind nearly every adult who is accused of a crime, becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, or who is severely mentally ill and acting out in public, there is usually at least one extremely stressed-out parent. This parent may initially react with the bad news of their adult child behaving badly with, "Oh no!" followed by, "How can I help to fix this?" A very common third reaction is the thought, "Where did I go wrong--was it something I said or did, or that I failed to do when my child was growing up that caused these issues? Is this really somehow all my fault?" These parents then open their homes, their pocketbooks, their hearts, and their futures to "saving" their adult child--who may go on to leave them financially and emotionally broken. Sometimes these families also raise the children their adult children leave behind: 1.6 million grandparents in the U.S. are in this situation.
This helpful book presents families with quotations and scenarios from real suffering parents (who are not identified), practical advice, and tested strategies for coping. It also discusses the fact that parents of adult children may themselves need therapy and medications, especially antidepressants. The book is written in a clear, reassuring manner by Dr. Joel L. Young, medical director of the Rochester Center for Behavioral Medicine in Rochester Hills, Michigan; with noted medical writer Christine Adamec, author of many books in the field.
In the wake of the Newtown shooting and the viral popularity of the post "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother," America is now taking a fresh look, not only at gun control, but also on how we treat mental illness. Another major issue is our support or stigmatization of those with adult children who are a major risk to their families as well to society itself. This book is part of that conversation.

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I see the introduction includes the following:

> Too often parents blame themselves for the behavior of their adult children, as if they were forever responsible for a child in his thirties of forties. Countering the self-blame misperception is one of our primary missions.

and

> When you are needlessly overwhelmed and consumed with guilt, it is hard to wipe the kitchen counter let alone tame the beast of your child's mental illness or substance abuse disorder.

and

> The central truth of our book is that mental illness and substance abuse rest at the core of most problematic behavior. Chapters 6 and 7 define these diagnosable conditions, providing full descriptions [...]

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I think that perhaps:

1. You should read that book, taking notes, and think through how fair it is both by itself, and in the context of a narcissist reading it (or just using it for show?) passive-aggressively. (Does the book address determining parental responsibility? Or does it gloss over that and kiss up to the audience by providing excuses and generalizations to support that any adult child with issues is definitely not the fault of the parent, no matter what, except for one or two extreme token scenarios for the sake of a slight appearance of a slight attempt at fairness?) If the book is fair, it can be discussed. You can ask her what she thinks of the parts where it discusses parental responsibility. If it's unfair, you can challenge her about how it's lacking in those areas, "did you find it interesting that that book basically excuses away all sorts of child abuse, focusing only on how children behave, completely ignoring parental responsibility and common sense?" And if it's poor, you can both write reviews for it online, and buy her another book.
   
   
   
2. The back cover gives examples of the kinds of questions it gives advice for, which include substance abuse, a child mistreating their own children, a child being suicidal, a child being depressed and living with the mother, but refusing to take antidepressants... Perhaps ask your mother which specific issues she thinks you have (not that she doesn't regularly voice this, but meaning, which in the book..) The book's first three chapters are labeled as "Part 1," "identifying the problem."
   
   
   
3. As u/entropys_child recommends, perhaps get some books yourself. Another suggestion, specific to people who deny responsibility, is:
   
   Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
   
   The following two I have not investigated, but only note because they have titles that consider the opposite of what your mother is has as a book. If your mother asks why you have such a book that appears to be overboard, one can respond with, "are you suggesting it's not a good idea to get a book that presents the argument that someone is struggling with?" which of course would be fitting of the book she has, and if she says "yes," then you can ask why she has the book she does.
   
   Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused
   
   When Parents Have Problems: A Book for Teens and Older Children Who Have a Disturbed or Difficult Parent
   
   
   
   
4. But most importantly, since a skim of your posts shows that it might be related to religion as to why your parent(s) take issue with you for sexuality (if that's even their only or main issue), then I suggest checking out this beautiful clip of Matt Dillahunty and co-host Mark of the show The Atheist Experience take a call from someone who tells them they're going to hell. His answer about the devisiveness of religion is beautiful. I think it's worth the 15 minutes, and can be applied to your situation, and possibly be used to get your point across. In cases where a parent belittles, shuns, singles-out, scapegoats, and mistreats a child due to something religion-related, the argument in this video helps demonstrate that it is the parent that is dividing, not the person who has some characteristic.
   
   
   The Real Cost Of Religious Faith - Atheist Experience 696
   
   
   Edit: added quotes from intro of book

Hey now, it's not a death sentence. There's some excellent literature available for people in your situation.