(Part 2) Best adoption books according to redditors

There are a few main ways to become an adoptive parent: Foster-to-Adopt, domestic private adoption, international adoption. I know the least about international adoption, so I won't address that at all.

With Foster-to-Adopt, you can set parameters for children you are willing to foster. I have known people to foster babies straight from the hospital and then go on to adopt them. I think this is most likely to happen when the baby is born with clear drug exposure, so that is something you need to consider. (In-utero drug exposure is not quite as scary as many people think it is, but it definitely can have consequences, so do your research.) Also, when you foster you always know that the biological family may fix the problems that led them to lose custody, and you may lose custody to them. The younger the child, the more likely I think this is to happen. You will have to decide if this is something you can handle.

For domestic adoptions, infants are more common than older kids. But this is quite expensive and can be time consuming. There is still risk with this approach - the mother may intend to have an adoption plan and then change her mind, and you may still lose some or all of the money you have invested in the process. (Remember that the money you pay your agency/attorney is for their services - you are not buying a baby, and if the mother decides to parent, those services you paid for still happened.)

Some resources that I have found helpful:

http://www.openadopt.org/about-us/resources Includes information about Open Adoption, drug exposure, transracial adoption, and more. (Other agencies have similar pages.)

"You Can Adopt" - An introductory book that covers some basic information about different ways to adopt and things to consider. There is not a lot of nitty-gritty info, but I found it to be a helpful place to start.

Best wishes!

First, let me say that I'm very sorry your family is going through this. It is toughest for your brother, but it isn't easy for you, and anger is very normal. Don't be too hard on your brother, yourself, or the rest of your family. My comment is going to focus on the adoption thing, which I'm guessing is a major part of why your brother is struggling, but people are complicated and that's probably not the only thing.

> It has never mattered one bit to me that he is adopted, I don't treat him any differently than I would treat any other sibling. He is my brother, there are no modifiers to that for me. [...] It just goes to show, my mom doesn't even view him as adopted, but just as one of her sons.

I know you mean this as an expression of acceptance and love, and in a lot of ways, that's what it is, but consider that this may be difficult for him. He knows he's adopted. He knows that when strangers see him with his family, they make assumptions about who he is--that they often don't think he is family. He knows that when strangers see him without his family, they make assumptions about what his family looks like. He won't ever be able to forget that he is adopted. Being an adoptee is usually tough enough already, but trans-racial adoptees have an entire additional set of struggles on top of that.

There's a video clip of one of the "Blue Eyes" sessions led by Jane Elliott, where she asks the Black students in the room, "Has any white person ever said to you 'I don't see you as black?'" One of the students answers "Every day!" "And what do you say to them?" "But I am."

You don't see him as different. But he is.

There are networks of trans-racial adoptees out there. Maybe you could put him in touch with an older trans-racial adoptee as a mentor. Someone who understands what he's going through. Additionally, maybe he would like to have relationships with people who have strong cultural ties to his birth culture--Vietnamese people who grew up in Vietnamese families.

Here are a couple of links for further reading.

http://theadoptedlife.com/2014/01/13/do-trans-racial-adoptees-know-anything-about-trans-racial-adoption/

http://www.npr.org/2014/01/26/266434175/growing-up-white-transracial-adoptee-learned-to-be-black

A book he might want to read (and you might want to read too):

http://www.amazon.com/In-Their-Own-Voices-Transracial/dp/0231118295

Your black child shouldn't be your first black friend. Go seek help from the black community. Buy black dolls, books, connect with people of color.

Read books. https://www.amazon.com/Their-Voices-Americans-Transracial-Adoption/dp/0231172214

Join transracial adoption groups online and in real life.

Learn how to do their hair. Don't say you're color blind. She should be raised as a black child