(Part 4) Top products from r/Advice

tldr: You have tremendous opportunities. There are tools to help you move forward more easily.

---

Just to be sure I'm understanding, how accurately does the following describe your situation?

• you've experienced lack of compassion, reliability, and accountability with family members;
  
• you continue to live with family for cultural, religious, and financial reasons;
  
• your family isn't emotionally healthy or emotionally supportive;
  
• you haven't found a role in society that you enjoy yet where society sufficiently supports to your lifestyle through compensation;
  
• you haven't gathered a reliable and consistent circle of friends yet;
  
• you believe you're not good enough or deserving enough to have your needs, desires, and dreams satisfied;
  
• you believe that your circumstances won't change, no matter what choices or actions you take, no matter what time, energy, money, and other resources you apply to change your situation;
  
• you believe that enduring suffering is the rational choice since influencing change is impossible;
  
• you experience depression plus loneliness in terms of companionship, friendship, and romance; plus,
  
• you dream of photography, writing, and travel.
  
  ---
  
  It sounds like your circumstances are difficult. At the same time, your current situation is a sign of your incredible wisdom and persistence; you've achieved a lot in a short period of time. You have tremendous potential to move beyond your current circumstances, onto a path where you can meet your needs, experience the things you desire, and pursue your dreams. Most notably, the following:
  
  
• you're in a sufficiently/minimally healthy and safe place with free housing and meals;
  
• you're aware of your struggles and exploring potential solutions;
  
• most people earn their bachelor's degree at 22; you have a Masters degree at 23;
  
• most people are in significant debt, not just college related, at age 23; you have $11k in savings; and, most importantly,
  
• your have incredible wisdom and persistence, very powerful foundations to make change;
  
  ---
  
  Do you have a life coach or mental health therapist? It sounds like you might experience learned helplessness.
  
  ---
  
  Have you explored meditation and mindfulness? It might be helpful to either read, listen to, or watch content related to meditation (to quiet the internal negative voices) and mindfulness (to embrace natural suffering of life while inspiring experimentation to use your experiences, talents, and other resources to improve the world around you as much as possible, not only for yourself, but also for others around you). Regardless of your religious and spiritual beliefs, meditation and mindfulness might offer many useful perspectives and habits that are compatible with most (if not all) religious and spiritual communities. Perhaps just start with listening to Acknowledging Suffering by Gil Fronsdal, which is part of The Twelve Steps to Freedom series while your mindlessly browsing the 'nets. Or, Suffering and the End of Suffering Series - Talk 1, Talk 2, Talk 3, and Talk 4. Note the concepts that resonate most with you, then explore those using a variety of mindfulness and meditation resources, perhaps including the following:
  
  
• Common Ground Meditation Center Audio Library
  
• Dharma Seed Audio Library
  
• Thich Nhat Hanh Dharma Talks Blog/Audio
  
• Amaravati Buddhist Monastery Audio Library
  
• Audio Dharma
  
• Shambhala Meditation Center Audio Library
  
• Awake in the World Podcast
  
• The Daily Meditation Podcast
  
  ---
  
  Have you read Tao of Pooh written by Benjamin Hoff? Imagine you are a block of wood. Would it be better – more compassionate, more wise, and more persistent — to shape yourself to fit into the world as it is, or find a place where you naturally fit in as you are, or a little bit of both?
  
  ---
  
  Have you read the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom written by Don Miguel Ruiz? It suggests that simply doing 4 things will help to slowly improve your life and the world around you, perhaps not day-to-day or week-to-week or even month-to-month, but fairly noticeably from year-to-year, and certainly over an entire lifetime.
  
  ---
  
  Have you taken the Myers-Briggs personality test? It may be helpful to better understand your personality type and natural tendencies. Granted, personality tests are not 100% accurate. But, even if they are only 80% accurate, having some awareness about your personality and tendencies may be helpful for discovering the best path available for your life's journey. Sufficiently valid and reliable (and most importantly, free) versions of the test can be found via 16Personalities, Truity, and Humanmetrics. Once you identify your personality type, you can learn more about that type on those and other websites. Note that characteristics that resonate most with you. Ignore the ones that don't.
  
  ---
  
  Have you identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What opportunities and threats/challenges exist in the world around you? How might you apply your strengths to the world's opportunities as your unique empowerment strategies? How might you apply your strengths to the world's threats/challenges as your unique improvement strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's opportunities as your unique assistance strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's threats/challenges as your unique avoidance strategies? For example, in a table like this with 3 to 5 bullet points in each of the 8 main sections (i.e. not the upper left-hand corner box):
  
  External / Internal | Strengths to Maximize | Weaknesses to Minimize
  :---------------------|:------------------------:|---------------------------:
  Opportunities to Maximize | Empowerment Strategies | Improvement Strategies
  Threats / Challenges to Minimize | Assistance Strategies | Avoidance Strategies
  
  ---
  
  What are your core values? What do you believe is the purpose of life, in general, or better yet: the purpose of your life, specifically (especially if you've identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you)?
  
  ---
  
  Have you explored how you might build a decently-paying job or career in light of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? Have you read Business Model You: A One-Page Method For Reinventing Your Career written by Tim Clark, Alexander Osterwalder, and Yves Pigneur? Or, explored ["how might I get started as a travel blogger or photographer?"](https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+get+started+as+a+travel+(blogger+OR+photographer)
  

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist. I merely have an interest and am currently studying for a degree in a related field.


I found a "fake it till you make it" approach somewhat helpful. If you take it in baby steps, just putting it on a bit, consciously thinking about body language or how you speak, or what to say. If you feel yourself burning out, just take your foot off the gas a bit, both in the present moment and in the long term, because if you push too hard too fast then you'll end up having a bad night or an identity crisis. It will take time, it will feel like work and it may not even help you honestly, but it may be worth it in the long run if this is something that is bothering you.


In psychology there are 5 fundamental factors of personality, one of which is extroversion. While informally used to mean socially outgoing, extroversion is more accurately understood as how strongly someone feels positive emotion. While this does mean that extroverts are generally more social and outgoing (because the rewards are more worth it for the effort put in/ risk taken) how someone places on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, or any other 5 factor spectrum can be expressed in many different ways.


From what you say it sounds like you are quite introverted and possibly somewhat neurotic (another of the 5 factors) as well. introverted people tend to struggle to connect with others at first, but will form more long lasting relationships in the long run. I find that understanding where you lie on these spectra can be helpful in making you more comfortable with yourself and how you behave and view the world. Everybody loves extroverts because they're more fun at parties, but the world would be a very different and much worse place without people on the other side of the spectrum.


If you want to know more about this, I highly recommend Personality by Daniel Nettle (Amazon link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Personality-makes-Oxford-Landmark-Science/dp/0199211434 ) He explains in a clear and easily understandable way where the 5 personality factors come from and goes through how where you lie on the scale may affect you. Most importantly though, as he says himself, the aim of the book is to help people understand that they can't change where they lie on these scales (and that in all but the most extreme cases, they shouldn't want to) but that you can change how you express your fundamental personality type in order to be happy and content with yourself.

If we're talking about resistance from other people, then I can absolutely relate and I have a ton of experience on this front.

I'm currently 32 years old. Like most of us Americans, I was raised in a society and family that reinforced pleasing others—more specifically, that if other people don't approve of your actions, then you're doing something wrong. Up until my mid-20s, I lived by this rule. That meant that, by the time I turned 28 (in other words, after a decade of being an adult), nearly everything I had and everything I was existed because they in some form satisfied the expectations of others. In essence, I was crowdsourcing my life. If my life was a canvas, I was asking everyone else to paint it. And, naturally, I had a long history of dissatisfaction and self-loathing to show for it.

Then I decided I was going to stop caring about what other people thought of me, and I was going to start living how I want. In the process of doing so, I got a lot of negative feedback from family and friends. The odd thing is, you're probably assuming that my idea of living life on my terms was rude, self-centered, or illegal; but actually, my idea of living life on my terms was very positive and altruistic. Before this time I worked for several years as a technical consultant making good money (but ultimately helping nobody but myself), and my life changes were that I wanted to work in a field that helped other people, I wanted to do volunteer work, and I wanted to go to grad school so I could become a licensed counselor. I was told by numerous people these were all "big mistakes" and that they were concerned about my well-being (important side note: since I moved out of my parent's house in May 2008, I've been entirely self-sufficient, have needed $0 from other people, and have not gotten into any trouble with the law aside from a couple speeding tickets). In fact, I haven't even told my grandfather I'm attending grad school for counseling (and currently have a 4.0 through 5 courses) because my family is convinced it'll kill him (he's still resentful that I didn't follow in his footsteps and become an engineer). So you see the pattern: the people who are aware of my preferences have spoken negatively about them and me, and people who should be aware of my preferences are not because they would be offended by them.

To reiterate: My major life changes were that I left technical consulting to work in the helping professions, I started a self-help brand on YouTube, and I became a Big Brother through the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program, where I've been a mentor for a local at-risk teen for 3.5 years. I didn't become a coke dealer or a porn star - I actually just became a nicer, happier person. And people still gave me crap!

So my big takeaway was that I have two options: I can live how everyone else wants me to live and end up hating my life because I don't want any of it, or I can live how I want to live and be happy. These are the same options we all have.

Today, my criteria for determining whether or not I do something is the following:

1. Will this thing enrich my life (in other words, will it bring me closer to success and happiness or farther from it)?
   
2. Will this thing cause me to renege on any responsibilities I've previously agreed to take on?
   
3. Will this thing likely cause any tangible harm to anyone else? (For this one, it's important to note that 'tangible harm' does not include someone I know becoming so upset with my decision that they don't know how to handle it)
   
   If the answers are 'Yes,' 'No,' and 'No,' respectively, then I do that thing. If not, I determine whether I can make changes that'll bring those answers in line, or I abandon the idea.
   
   Okay, that's some analysis on the matter. Now I'm going to specifically answer your question.
   
   The reason people try to tell others what to do and try to make it difficult for people to live their lives is because of our evolutionary history. Creatures we can generally consider humans came into existence roughly 2 million years ago (this would be Homo erectus). Our specific species, Homo sapiens, generally evolved from that species roughly 250,000 years ago. From 2,000,000 years ago until roughly 5,000 years ago, human beings lived in small, roving bands of roughly 40-80 individuals. In order for the group to survive, everyone in the group needed to satisfy a certain role and everyone needed to be working toward the same goals. If a nomadic tribe lived in northern Europe 50,000 years ago, for example, when winter was approaching, if half the tribe decided to not plan for the winter and the other half didn't, the entire tribe would perish because they would not have been adequately prepared for the winter. As a result of their deaths, the people who didn't see a need to plan would not pass on their genes to future offspring, and thus, the world would be composed of slightly less people who didn't plan for things. What this means is, the people who survived the last 2 million years generally saw value in making sure everyone in their tribe agreed with them - that nobody stepped out of line or 'went rogue'. As a result, humans who exist today tend to want everyone around them to do what they think is best; to fall in line. To not stand out. After all, standing out 100,000 years ago got you killed. (Note: if evolutionary psychology interests you, consider reading Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind by David Buss).
   
   This answers the first question you pose in the title. As to the second question—when you fail or slip, why is the fall harder than ever?—the reason is because when we already know there are people who think that what we're doing is stupid, they're almost waiting for us to fall. They're waiting for the moment when things go wrong so they can be proven correct. What these people don't realize, however, is that even failure is progress. For example, if I end up graduating from grad school but for some reason I can't pass the licensing test to become a counselor, I still have a master's degree to my name and I still learned tons of skills and knowledge. Some people around me will probably say "You should've stuck to consulting," but that's wrong because it discredits all the value I got through trying a new path.
   
   How do you overcome this? By teaching yourself to not give a f-ck what everyone else thinks. This is literally something you have to teach yourself - and it's something I still struggle with. We're so evolutionarily wired and societally-trained to fall in line and be like everyone else. The entire concept of social media is essentially a method for determining our value based on what other people think. If we post something smart or funny but it doesn't get any likes, then it was stupid and we're losers. On the other hand, if we post a photo of ourself half-naked, we'll get tons of likes (well, maybe not me, but some people will). So this is why I say learning to not care about the opinions of others takes time and effort. It's a skill like playing guitar is a skill.
   
   Perhaps your question was more about why we're met with such internal resistance when we make life changes. If so, then the answer is much more simple: our minds have been conditioned, through months and years of experience, to think or act a certain way, meaning that when we try to change our habits it'll take time.
   
   Hope any of this helps.
   
   -------------------------------------------------
   
   I wrote a memoir that walks through some important life events that occurred during my first decade of adulthood, and it talks about how I learned to listen to myself and follow my vision. If this sounds like something that would interest you, there's a free PDF copy available on my website.

How much debt? Anyway, I'm with you - any amount is bad.

If she gets upset at you for giving good advice, I hate to say it but take it as a real cue about how long term your relationship is going to be - you're trying to help her and it doesn't sound like she respects your opinion, and it's not about a small insignificant thing. How she hands her money might affect you in the future because if you get married it will become your debt as well.

It also sounds like she feels like her options are limited and that piling on schooling will automatically result in success, regardless of the mound of debt that's accumulating. Maybe start by trying to talk to her about the motivation behind what she's doing, and where she things it is going to go. Sounds like she wants the easy path and doesn't admit to her failures.

On money, if it is the issue (I don't think it is) you might consider these books for her, which she could also take as a total slap in the face, but worth maybe a try:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310337429/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_taft_p1_i2

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1937077594/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1937077977/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1

​

Also, consider attending Financial Peace University (https://www.financialpeace.com) together. Tell her it's something you're interested in, and you'd love it if she attended with you as a couple. I'm sure you'll hear plenty of other people talking about student loans and how they were saddled with debt. Maybe it would help her to hear from other people's stories.

I would recommend reading the book "On the shortness of life" by Roman stoic philosopher Seneca.

http://www.amazon.com/Shortness-Life-Penguin-Great-Ideas/dp/0143036327


In this short book, Seneca shows us that if we take a step back and look at how we live our lives, we will see that we waste A LOT of it doing useless activities. By the end of our lives, we are saddened by the fact that we have little time left to live, and are regretful of things that we chose not to do. The point of the book, in my opinion, is to wake up the reader and to show him/her that they should live everyday like it's their last because we are never 100% certain that we will be alive the next day! Having this knowledge about the fickleness of our lives gives many of us MOTIVATION to get up and do something! It's kinda like when people say YOLO (or at least, used to say :D) You will be more motivated to do something if you know that the clock is ticking and that your time on this planet is quickly coming to an end. Think about the potential uses of this knowledge: Afraid of taking to that cute boy or girl? If you know that you're time is limited on this planet, this might give you a bit more of a reason to talk to that person, right?

In regards to your recent case of loneliness and boredom, I would recommend that you improve yourself (your character) by reading as much helpful information as you can about how to live the best life possible. I think a great place to start is to read some Stoic philosophers and understand their ideas (go to the subreddit /r/stoicism for more info). Self-help books are always nice too.


Hope this helps, message me if you ever need someone to talk to, i'd be glad to do so!

Oh wow. As to specific books. Hmm. That's sort of all over the place but each one had something to offer. The ones I remember are:

• Conversations with God books 1 and 2.
  
  
• The Power of Now
  
  
• Sacred Heart Yoga
  
  
• Change You Aura Change Your Life
  
  
• Children Who Remember Previous Lives
  
  
• Old Souls
  
  
• Dreams, Evolution and Value Fulfillment
  
  
• A New Earth
  
  
• Practicing the Power of Now
  
  
• The Chakra Deck and The Walking Deck
  
  
• Some books by Doreen Virtue
  
  
• Some books by Deepak Chopra
  
  Books on my list to read:
  
  
• The Mind Made Prison
  
  
• The Untethered Soul
  
  
• The 7 Ancient Keys to Happiness
  
  
• Zen and the Perception of Happiness
  
  
• Making Sense of People
  
  
• The End of Your World
  
  
• Flow
  
  
• Starting from the End
  
  
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies
  
  I have also dabbled in the study of Zen and a few types of Buddhism, Tao, other Eastern Religions and philosophies as well as some Western religions, ho'oponopono, mindfulness and reiki.
  
  Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle have some good techniques for separating yourself from your ego.

I think many people experience this feeling to a greater or lesser degree.

Social norms change from group to group and with age and for a lot of other reasons, and just when you think you have got it right someone changes them again.

There is a fine line between trying to fit in and trying to have a mind of your own and be your own person.

Personally I prefer being me, not what someone else wants me to be. The people I attract are those with a bigger view of the world. Those that I put off are generally the ones I would want to steer clear of (in my mind insincere and shallow).

A good book to look at is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

I see what’s going on here.

First and foremost if you want to persuade people you need to stop leaning so much on logically fallacies. Telling people that they should listen to you because you’re smart or because your beliefs aren’t mainstream is not a reason to believe anything. Anyone can say they’re smart and have non-mainstream beleifs. Who cares? You’re talking about the merits of the argument, you’re partaking in mental masturbation. Who gives a shit?

If you want to convince anyone, cut that shit out. Get to the point, let the merits of your arguments stand for themselves.
No one cares about you, they care about the solution you claim to have.

Also, you need to backup your claims with evidence. The person making the claim has the burden of proof. To convince people of anything you need to back your shut up with good evidence. You need how to get lots of YouTube views? Great, how many views do you get and how does that compare to other methods? What specific results have you personally achieved? People won’t care unless you can back your shit up with real data.

Otherwise check out this book :

https://www.amazon.ca/Thank-You-Arguing-Aristotle-Persuasion/dp/0307341445

You should be able to find it at your library. If you can’t find that one, get another book about rhetoric. You can be right all you want but unless you know to argue effectively you’ll just spin your tires. Emotion and logic are vital in persuasion

You want proof? Go buy a cell phone from a guy and hear how often he talks about how mainstream he isn’t and how smart he is. He won’t.

Yes, you probably are over-thinking everything, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't think about these things.

A few observations:

• Stay away from people who don't trust you without cause
  
• Storylines in actual porn aren't really a thing. There's the pretense of a story, but there's really not much there.
  
• However, erotic literature is probably what you might actually be interested in right now, rather than porn. There are many authors out there, and it's a perfectly respectable literary genre. One of the first authors was Anaïs Nin, and you may want to check out her book of short stories : Delta of Venus
  
• Always remember that you're the only person who gets to define yourself as a slut or a tease, or not. And you're allowed to change your mind at will, several times a day if you wish.
  
• If your current group of friends don't make you happy, change them.

> they’re bringing in an independent HR consultant soon to do an evaluation of our practices

Good. How soon?

> if she had done this to someone else, I would talk to her about it

That's a great way to frame it. I recommend this be your approach. If the HR consultant is slated to come within the month, I would wait for them. Otherwise... yeah, you will need to have that difficult conversation.

This book is a good resource for that:

https://www.amazon.ca/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

Everything is negotiable. Always. It's just a matter of knowing how to do it right. Which is the tricky part of course!

If it were me in your shoes:

I wouldn't accept a pay cut.

I'd try really hard to not get re-evaluated.

I'd ask for, but wouldn't be very disappointed if it can't happen: some paid time to move, and some relocation expenses.

Good luck!

p.s. For some negotiating tips, this book wasn't too bad imo: https://www.amazon.ca/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805

Intro to physics. Ok, how about how at the end of the 19th century, we thought we knew how everything worked, and all we needed to do was fill in the details. Then the quantum revolution happened. This is a great historical example of what Kuhn called a paradigm shift. In fact you might want to have a look at The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Four bucks used on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/The-Structure-Scientific-Revolutions-Edition/dp/0226458083

I listened to the radio interview this author gave. http://www.amazon.ca/Confessions-Sociopath-Spent-Hiding-Plain/dp/0307956644
Pretty much mirrors what you wrote. Especially the part about sociopaths seeking each other out. Might be worth a look for you.

$6 on Amazon. Thanks!

​

On the rare occasion when I have little to do (cough), I purchase a book on Kindle and read it on my monitor using my browser at http://read.amazon.com . I'm currently reading The Vikings: A History. The last one I read, which I highly recommend, was Letter to a Christian Nation.

I'd recommend Iron John: A Book About Men

The History of Japan, 2nd Edition by Louis Perez. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0313364427/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_AjYwDb3VXBD8H

You don’t need a lot of money to travel.


https://www.amazon.com/4-Hour-Workweek-Escape-Live-Anywhere/dp/0307465357


https://www.youtube.com/user/theartofrealitycrew

Just look at this channel on YouTube. He travels all over the world, and it’s not that expensive.

It’s expensive to go to tourist locations, not to travel the world

Read this book. Then have your father read it.

I hesitantly recomend Jordan Peterson to anyone, but his psychology is very sound in self help. He's shit a politics, so dont fall into the rabbit hole of those beliefs. Anyways his self help book has helped many many peoples. 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos https://www.amazon.com/dp/0141988517/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.jpEDb78ZTXMS