(Part 3) Top products from r/Alcoholism

You sound like me, and a lot of people. Get some sober time, get comfortable, fall away from AA, and drink.

I don't have any recommendations other than keep trying. And, if you're up for it, go to rehab.

Why would rehab scare you? I've been twice and honestly it was two of the best months of my life. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it was a month off from everything except for taking care of myself. It's one of the only places and times in life where I was able to be honest about where I'm at in life, who I am, etc. You can't do that at work, or even around family. Society wants you to walk around with a big front and act like you got your shit together. Rehab you get to relax and drop all the bullshit. At least that's been my experience.

This time I read a book that's helpful. I read a few actually. But the one that came to mind is "Staying Sober - A Guide for Relapse Prevention". What I liked about the book was that it explained why we keep drinking and how not to do that. It aligns well with AA, but there's stuff in there that was helpful that I don't hear about in AA - like, the social, psychological, and mental effects of alcohol, cravings, etc. It helped me realize this really isn't about self-control and there are reasons for (and evidence to support) why we need to put recovery first and continue to do stuff like AA. https://www.amazon.com/Staying-Sober-Guide-Relapse-Prevention/dp/083090459X.

Whatever you decide to do, just don't give up. I'm not saying I'm done by any means (it's just one day at a time), but it took me a long time to finally get over a year and finally at least feel like I'm done with trying to drink. I have no idea if it was possible for me to fully stop earlier, or if just takes what it takes as they say, but it would have been nice to avoid so much misery I created by continuing to relapse.

Wishing you the best...

You nailed it! It's how you answer the urge. One book I read put it best with explaining it's like battling a clone of yourself because your brain knows how to talk you into taking a drink - especially when things are good. That's where I have to really resist the hardest these days.

One book I found helpful that wasn't a long or tough read is Rewired: A Bold New Approach To Addiction and Recovery ($6.85). It helped give me some new insights and a lot of things to think about.

One thing that I really took away from the meetings is that each time you mess up and relapse, it gets harder and harder to earn back the trust of friends and loved ones. I've seen parents whose kids won't talk to them because they can't deal with it anymore and vice versa. I've also seen people tear up in meetings because people have let them back into their lives because of sobriety. We sometimes forget that we are hurting those closest to us more than ourselves.

As long as you focus one day at a time on setting a good example for yourself, you'll build confidence and momentum with each good decision you make going forward to continue down the path of sobriety.

Agnostic AA meetings are the regular and full AA program, just without insistence on a higher power.

I find their 12 steps for the agnostic very helpful. It is just a slight rewording that makes more sense to those of us who do not think deities exist. Even if you can't find a specifically agnostic meeting, just keeping that version of the steps in mind is helpful.

There are agnostic AA meetings, although they are few and far between. Take a look at the list, there might be one near you.

(In AA-speak, a "meeting" isn't one specific gathering on a day, but the group that meets that day in that place every week. So talking about a meeting is talking about the ongoing regular meetings of that group. It can be a little confusing.)

Even if the only meetings convenient to you are very religious, the major focus of AA is sobriety. I have found this in even the most religious meetings I've attended, the primary concern is maintaining sobriety and helping others achieve it and maintain it. In my opinion, this is the real power of AA, it goes back to what Bill W. found all those years ago: a couple of drunks talking honestly about their problems can keep each other sober. AA meetings helped me tremendously when I first sobered up, I hope they can help you too.

One last bit of advice, you will probably hear some things in meetings that rub you the wrong way. It is inevitable. However, you will also hear things that resonate with you and make sense. Focus on what makes sense to you at first, worry about the rest later. They are meetings full of very damaged people, and it is the one place where they can just vent all the stuff in their heads. A lot of folks use that as an excuse, "those people are nuts!, and don't return. It can do you so much good if you are open to it, though. I heard plenty of things in AA meetings that sounded like nonsense and BS to me at first. Some of it still sounds like nonsense now, years later. However, a lot of it started to make more sense as I had more time sober and more time to think with a clear head. That's why I say just set those things aside and focus on what does grab you. You never know when you might come back to it.

I'm cleaning out my bookshelf now, and I have this book about meditation, mindfulness, and sobriety. I found it very helpful when I first got sober. It needs a good home. I'll happily mail it to you if you're interested in reading it. Just PM your US mailing address if you'd like it.

I used to want what people with "faith" have. It seemed to me that there was something out there that was working for people who believed in something bigger than themselves. This applies to all spiritual & religious types. I would wonder - what is it that these Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims etc had that gave them this common serenity? I didn't care from whom or what this came from as long as I understood it. I just wanted to be happier and content but no one could explain faith without using faith in the definition.

After some digging I found a book 'The Paradox of Intention'. It explains why various faiths seem to have the same requirement to "let go" and "have faith". It also brings in modern psychology (Viktor Frankl) to explain this "faith" thing. After reading this I went from hating religion to a more tolerant position. I still can't respect people who abuse and mislead in the name of "god" but I now understand why people need faith in a higher power as well as how it works from a scientific point of view. To sum it up - the book states that faith is a state of "being" when one is happy regardless of the outcome of their efforts. When we stop trying to reach a goal is when we attain what we want. When this is practiced, a paradox occurs and we find that the things we want most arrive when we stop striving. All the major religions have discovered this and the language they use to teach it is in the form of metaphors. "God" is the best term for this thing that gives us what we want when we follow a selfless path etc... Please read the book if you want to whole scoop. It's a difficult and deep read.

I don't think people use the "God" stuff as an excuse. I think that AA needs to grow and mature to include people who are intelligent and don't require the metaphor language of religion.

> God, he's not lose. God is in us. In you.

Yes, that is a Buddhist notion. A great book that discusses that is The Zen of Recovery

My problem is finding a sponsor who is as open minded as he expects me to be, and is willing to accept that I need to work the principles in a way that will work for me.

I would love to PM back and forth with you and possibly share phone numbers.

I have a book suggestion for you called "I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help" It's written for families of loved ones suffering from mental health issues and it's about how to convince them to eventually seek help. Good luck!

First of all...congrats on coming this point.
You are admitting you have a problem and you know you need to address it.
How did I start the process....I told my family & friends, I was DONE drinking for LIFE. I told them WHY. This helped me be accountable.
YES you can sneak it....but you are only cheating yourself.
Then I got a book that I really connected with and started listening to podcasts which I also connected with. Both are the same guy..
https://www.amazon.com/Alcohol-Freedom-Powerful-Kickstart-Alcohol-Free/dp/1511611529/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1480913845&sr=1-6
Maybe you connect with him...maybe not. But find something you DO connect with and fuel that fire daily.
Lastly, I realized that I am not a "normal drinker"...I don't "just have one"...after that first one, I want them all. So I chose to have none.
So far, I have been a million times more productive and life is much better. I hope the same for you!

It's just a short article promoting her book, which does seem to have a Notes section with references: https://www.amazon.com/Unbroken-Brain-Revolutionary-Understanding-Addiction/dp/1250055822

Alcoholism is not the same thing as codependency

I'm not diagnosing you with either, but what I am saying is when my therapist had me read a book called codependent no more That really opened my consciousness to a lot of my behaviors that I'd never ever considered being something about which I even had a choice.

You might read it and learn something, if you want.

I'm not a doctor and I'm not a shrink, but I'm a guy who got his second DUI after rationalizing my drinking that led to my first DUI in terms of external factors: my divorce, financial problems, having a bad boss, etc. Except that by the time of my second DUI, I didn't really have any of those problems--new boss, over a decade since I'd separated from my wife, money problems taken care of, and so on. I wish I'd scanned one of my favorite John Callahan cartoons; Callahan was a recovering alcoholic who had been paralyzed after being in a drunk-driving accident, and some of his work deals with his addiction and recovery. (I'm pretty sure that it was in Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far On Foot, his autobiography, which is an excellent read, although he has some weird issues with lesbians.) In it, he's in a meeting, listening to others' excuses: "I drank because my childhood nickname was 'Corky'!" "I drank because my shoes were too tight!" "I drank because there's a machine strapped to my back that forces me to drink!" The real joke being, of course, that Callahan is a quadriplegic, which would be an excuse to drink if there was one, except that he'd been an alcoholic before the accident, and was sober for most of the time after it, until his death not too long ago.

I completely get social anxiety, and it was my excuse for a while, until after I sobered up and realized that I drank in no small part to avoid socializing; even though I drank in social situations, I also went to bars with a book to avoid having to talk to people. (It really wasn't just to read, although I rationalized it as such, because I couldn't remember big chunks of what I'd read; it was a big revelation to revisit some of those books and see how they made so much more sense.)

tl;dr--there's nothing wrong with talking to a counselor about social anxiety, but here's a little experiment that you can try at the same time: don't drink for a month. At all. Nothing with meals, nothing with family, with friends, alone, period. If you're just drinking it for the taste, then it shouldn't be a problem. (I like Indian food, but I haven't had any in a while, and I don't wake up in the middle of the night wondering if there are any Indian restaurants open.)

It is possible to do alone. I've been to (court mandated) AA and NA and I simply cannot stand it. One sob story or wild tale of drunken adventure after another, the same stories week after week...everyone with tears in their eyes, a good 40% of people in there saying they are sober when the reality is that they have just switched up to something else (weed or pills generally). All the God and Jesus bullshit. I hate everything about it, even the camaraderie/people pretending to care about you

I wanted to become sober and I have. books like these X † X help me put things into perspective and realize that there is much more that I want to do in life than get home and get wasted and then feel shitty the entire next day.

I was a monster...I'd do any drug under the sun, I'd drink a fifth of vodka every night and I was able to stop with my own willpower eventually

I tried AA after being in the hospital a few times because of withdrawal. They'll tell you you're diseased and that you're powerless against alcohol and basically destroy your self esteem. After a few of those I went back to the bottle and almost killed myself again because I was so depressed

I found this book:
How to Change Your Drinking: a Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol (2nd edition) https://www.amazon.com/dp/145383060X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_VwEqDbY9Z62M8

It took me forever to finally pick it up but when I did I think it really helped. It's a "harm reduction" approach rather than, guilt you into feeling worthless until you rely on AA. It teaches you that you control your own destiny. It doesn't tell you that you have to abstain or that you're a piece of shit if you slip up. I've been "drinking socially" since I read it and I'm hoping it will help you too.

Imo alcohol isn't the real monster that AA teaches you but it's the underlying issues that you treat with alcohol. For me, depression and anxiety is what always makes me drink myself half dead. This book gives some tips to deal with these issues too.

I hope this helps and know that we're all there with you. It's a struggle and I hit my rock bottom over and over again but after a year of blacking out every night I'm trying to piece my life back together and this harm reduction approach gives me hope