A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

Websites

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

Books

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a great and practical guide to helping get a sub into subspace

ROPE BONDAGE ADVICE

TL;DR

Here are some great videos to get you started.

Here is a free online class when you have time and want to dive deeper.

Bondage - Online Courses

Crash Restraint an extensive, free, online rope bondage course. It can be a little tricky to navigate, and you need to make a free account, but once you understand how the site is laid out, it's really an incredible resource. If you wanted just one resource to take you from beginner to expert, this would be a great choice.

The Duchy, a chill rope bondage resource with free content, and paid content that costs $3-$5

Bondage - How-to Videos

Twisted Monk's How-To Videos Talks you through the ties out loud, which I find really helpful. (Also on youtube here.)

Two Knotty Boys How-To Videos Great basics, but a lot of the videos don't have verbal instruction, which I personally don't prefer.

Zed Ropework has a handful of good, clear videos on youtube

Watts The Safeword is a little goofy -- but that can be good! And their videos are simple and straightforward.

MorganThorneBDSM has some good beginner bondage videos (and a ton of other non-bondage BDSM content)

Epic Rope is low-key and enjoyable.

Bondage - Books

(Note, I linked to amazon but a lot of the books can be found MUCH cheaper elsewhere)

Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1 is my favorite, I think the instructions and photos are the clearest and most detailed, and there are a ton of useful ties.

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage a beautiful book you could put on a coffee table, with tons of useful stuff, and steeped in history and culture, which I love. The line illustrations are, in my opinion, not as clear as a ton of photos would be.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, a chill, fun, approachable book. The choice of ties is a little all-over-the-place, and it doesn't feel like an extensive course so much as a small buffet of options.

I think that’s probably a lot for a first weekend.

I would say maybe hand cuffs with her wrists together in front or behind her first time. Preferably above her head or something so you can have sex facing her so you can see her reactions.

You could use the vibrating egg on her during that time and “force” (tell) her to keep her legs open to add a more dominant twinge.

If it goes well, you could hand cuff her to the bed. Maybe try sex-appropriate candles (honestly I suggest soy oil massage candles to start) and use that perhaps with ice and cooling or warming lube (on her nipples and nether regions) while she is handcuffed in an X. You could even add ankle cuffs.

After a little bit of experimenting, I would say you both sit down and answer questions on this couples quiz. You should both fill out the comments too!

https://carnalcalibration.com/en


Keep this in mind - Emotion is the start to good sexual connection. - Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages

So while adding or even just contemplating/considering new sexual activities can spark hormones and increase libido, you need to get a trustworthy introduction to BDSM.... I would suggest this book: Jay Wise’s SM

https://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389

Order of progression that I would suggest:

1. hand cuffs and ankle cuffs in positions where you can see her face and see her reaction
   
   
2. Add temperature play - think cooling lube, warming lube (highly suggest System Jo), massage candle (highly suggest Jimmy Jane), drip candles (made for BDSM as they burn at a lower temperature), nipple stimulating gels (such as Jelique Nipple Nibblers).
   
   
3. Add sensation overload in a pleasurable way. Consider “forced” orgasm. Think of it this way, you could restrain her in an x shape using the hand cuffs and ankle cuffs. Then you stimulate her using toys, such as a vibrator or a magic wand externally while you finger her, or using a rabbit vibrator (highly recommend the Jimmy Jane Glo which is a flexible warming rabbit), or you finger her or eat her out. The idea is you decide how many times she must orgasm before you fuck her. She’ll be begging for your cock.
   
   On the other hand, you could do orgasm denial. It’s where you tell her she can’t cum until a certain thing, and she tries not to. She’ll be begging to be “allowed” to cum. If she cums without permission, you could punish her such as spanking her.
   
   
4. Add spanking and consider adding a large surface area paddle that is flexible. Slowly progress to smaller and less flexible paddles. Then when she’s ready you can consider adding a flogger.
   
   
5. Consider buying new/different sex toys. Companies like PinkCherry offer a lot of options. Try discount code PINK35 for 35% off.
   
   
6. If you are both interested in considering anal, check out B-vibe (https://www.bvibe.com/best-selling-bundles/butt-plug-set-for-beginners.html). They have excellent starter kits that include lube, toy cleaner and even a booklet for introduction to anal. Enjoy 20% off your first order with the code BVIBES.
   
   On a further note:
   I suggest using System Jo lubes!! They have a lot of options and something for everyone (just remember that you cannot use silicone lube with silicone toys.) And if you are into oral sex or rim jobs, definitely try their gelato flavored lube as well as the creme brulee and banana!!
   
   Have fun!!!

I just wanted to commend you for willingly seeking out advice/help and knowing when you fucked up and accepting fault, full stop, without excuses. All good qualities to have not only as a Dom but as a person in general. I am with the other Redditors who have offered up Knotty Boys, Fetlife, and thorough research in general. Just some other key things to note:

• Consent consent consent. First and foremost. Discuss everything you can think of before playing in something new, and when in doubt, ask. Once you guys have been through enough scenes together you'll get a better understanding of how you both work in your newfound dynamic. Don't jump in and assume. Also, anyone can revoke consent at any given point and if it's not a 'hell yes!', then assume it's a 'no'.
  
• Always learn the basics of any new kink and try to find a mentor in real life who can show you the ropes (hah) in person. It can really help you understand correct anatomy and placement. Rope play can be edge-play, especially if you get into suspension, and that shit is dangerous. There's no reason to do everything at once and there's fun to be had in taking things slow.
  
• Even the 'masters' are constantly learning and no one is 100% a know-it-all. Never assume you can/should stop learning.
  
• Don't forget kink isn't to be taken lightly as many of the things are and can be dangerous. That said, it is entirely okay and possible to still have fun and enjoy yourself while still being a safe Dom.
  
  BDSM and Kink are amazing and eye-opening worlds and you can learn and experience new things you'd never dreamed of before. Learn to do it safely (or as possibly safe as one can with edge play) and always listen to your Sub!
  
  ​
  
  PSA!!!!!!!!
  
  SCISSORS SCISSORS SCISSORS!!!!
  
  If ever you are playing with rope tying always have scissors within reach!
  
  You never know when a knot might fail or wrist-drop is starting to happen and you need to get them out faster than untying is able to do.
  
  These will cut through anything at least ONCE so most riggers highly recommend some like this so as to both cut rope and not slice your bottom in the process.
  
  No one should start tying without safety precautions (SCISSORS!!!) within reach.

I suggest backing up a bit and ask, what’s your goal?

For example, is it to have fun? To make your partner happy? Is there a particular fetish you’d like to indulge in?

Then ask your partner, what’s her goal?

Does she want to do this to have fun? Or is she for example an emotional masochist, and wants to do something which isn’t fun for her? Or does she want to make you happy? Or to indulge in a particular fetish? Or to have a challenge?

Once you and your partner have a goal in mind, then you can ask how to get better at fulfilling what you want to do. Just asking “how do I get better” without saying what it is that you want to get better at is too vague; for one goal you might do thing and for a different goal you might do the opposite.

A second suggestion is to read The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, which will teach you both the “how to” and the “why to” for being a top.

I have experience with lots of different wand vibrators so I can help you out here. Either the Hitachi magic wand rechargeable or the Doxy Die Cast. I've had women say they love one over the other but they are literally the best that you can buy. The hitachi is more "rumbly" to compared to the doxy's more "buzzy" feeling. The hitachi is cordless which is excellent while the more powerful Doxy needs to be plugged in. Hitachi has 4 levels of intensity but its rare for a women to really want anything more than 3 in my expereince. The doxy has 7-8 levels i believe which works well for those women who need that EXTRA stimulation. I find that the doxy makes the woman's clit go numb faster than the hitachi but also can make them cum quicker. Overall if I HAD to pick one, I'd go with the Hitachi but if you really want to go all out then then Doxy and it's higher price tag will be worth it. You won't go wrong with either. If you have any more questions feel free to ask.

​

https://www.amazon.com/Magic-Wand-Rechargeable-Personal-Massager/dp/B013H2QN5S


https://www.amazon.com/Doxy-Die-Cast-Aluminum-Titanium/dp/B0170CE9GQ

This is a really great question.

I'm seeing a lot of service type answers in the comments, and for that aspect, I think it depends upon the style of service that you and your dom enjoy. For my Dom, he has a very stressful job and would rather I just "make it so" with a lot of the assignments/tasks he gives me, so he can relax and think about other things. The tasks can be anything from making dinner, doing laundry, buying household items before we run out(tp, medication, lotion, etc.) to things like plan and prepare international trips including things like airfare, hotel, activities. Other people may assist their Dom, by providing them a choice of options and then the Dom would get final say. Of course, as with anything, there are lots of ways to provide service. If you're inclined towards service, I would recommend the book Real Service as it helped me and my Dom have the conversation of what kind of service do we like, what style do I tend to do, what is acceptable for us, the mindset behind certain styles, and gave us ideas on what is realistic for us.

More importantly how do you define soft or subtle dominance? How subtle are you wanting?

It sounds like a BDSM checklist might help you both figure things out. Here's one you can download from scribd.

https://www.scribd.com/document/163631556/BDSM-Checklist

Morgan Thorne put together an excellent workbook for couples called 'Exploring BDSM'. It's full of great information, detailed checklists and how-to guides, and all sorts of other good stuff. Highly recommend i.

https://www.amazon.com/Exploring-BDSM-Workbook-Couples-Discovering/dp/0995878048/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1542243469&sr=8-1

Take care,

Mark, male half of the hkc

​

Also check out

The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance

https://www.amazon.ca/Mistress-Manual-Girls-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190

​

Remember, this should be playful and fun. And don't let your submissive partner run the show (topping from the bottom), make sure you're clear you want to try things in specific spaces of time, not ALL the time. Things can get way out of hand once someone finds a piece of what they need/want, they want more and more.

I echo ephony5's sentiments. All you need is to be her Dom. There are likely things that she likes, is into, or curious about, and there are things that she's likely not interested in.

The good news is you get to focus on things that she likes and that you both can share together.

These would be a good start for you.

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction 2nd Edition
https://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0963976389&pd_rd_r=Q2TBDATJSPJ5NE75M5JK&pd_rd_w=P8mfT&pd_rd_wg=W3Gd3&psc=1&refRID=Q2TBDATJSPJ5NE75M5JK


Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
https://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_2/132-8810996-6709733?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=6HFP9C4RR6KH9RJ0V4RD

Not sure how much help it would be but there is a book on the topic featuring stories from subs with cognitive issues and also some inputs from dominants as well. I myself have a physical disability and there's another book for that which really resonated with me. Maybe this one can help you:

​

https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Toys-Submissives-Neurological-Dysfunction/dp/0990544117

​

Good luck.

You’ll definitely find it there. I thought I just liked being spanked, and it turns out I have a LOT of kinks that I wouldn’t have even known about otherwise.

When I was first beginning, someone here recommended this book by Michael Makai. It pretty much covers the basics.

And if you don’t know if you’re a top or a bottom then these two are good reads as well!

PROBLEM: Sexytime frequency. You both seem to want to be having sex more often, but it's not happening.

So to me, this is the fundamental issue here. You two are still deeply in love in almost all aspects, but the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship is slowly making you feel more like roommates than lovers. This intimacy is a real need of yours, you're rightly craving it, and so you're feeling at your wit's end, enormously frustrated, and starting to resent him.

Fixing this problem is tricky, but my relationship is proof positive that it can be accomplished with hard self-work, bravery, and ruthless introspection.

You wrote something in the middle of your post that doesn't have much to do with sex at all, on the surface.

>I know from our talks that he is financially stressed, existentially stressed, and now stressed about this.
>
>But I’m also financially stressed, dealing with my own personal bs, and now just so unhappy with what our relationship has become, that I stress out everyday we aren’t for each other anymore...

This was really vulnerable and honest to share, and I thank you so much for the bravery and disclosure.

I think that on one important level, this is key to a lot of the problems you are experiencing. When my partner and I were going through a dry patch (maybe dry half-decade...), I thought that my sex life problem was one thing, and all the other stresses in my life were another. When I started getting therapy, though, I realized that my stresses about work and money and so on, and especially the coping strategies I used to escape from that pain (for me it was mainly porn, drinking and video games), were a huge obstacle to the sex life I wanted.

My therapist also hit me with something that I didn't really believe, or even understand at first. She told me I had a fear of intimacy. My initial reaciton was, "that's fucking crazy. I spend every waking hour obsessing about how I don't get enough sex in my life!" But as I learned more, I realized it was true -- I was ironically kind of terrified of the very thing I was obsessed with getting.

That's one reason why I fell into a very understandable pattern that took me away from what I really wanted: I would obsess about not having sex with my partner; then I would occasionally halfheartedly initiate; then she wouldn't be into it, and I would be like, "of course she doesn't want it," and sulk off to play video games and then watch porn after she fell asleep.

I needed to break free of that pattern, both by quitting the anesthetizing distractions (for me that meant carefully cutting way back on booze and video games, and eventually cutting porn out of my life entirely), learning new strategies on how to initiate, and then realizing that I was actually afraid of initiating, because every time I did so I'd get rejected, and being aware of that fear and growing the bravery to 'do it anyway.'

At the same time, my wife was having her own struggles with her sexuality, and understanding the way her sexual desire works. She considered herself a very sexual person, had VERY kinky fantasies, loved BDSM -- and yet, when the rubber hit the road, never ever felt the desire to manifest this in her own life.

Frankly, she felt like she was broken. It was very painful and isolating.

The thing that changed her life (and by extension mine) is reading the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. [Check out this comic about it, it's a good intro.] Reading that thing, we realized that most women have what's called a 'dual control model' of sexual arousal, which is like gas and brake. For me and most guys, we can basically just step on the accelerator at a moments notice and get to the right RPM easily. For my wife and a lot of women, there can be a foot on the gas AND a foot on the brake, in the form of anything stressing them out (the house is a mess, my mom keeps texting me, the kid broke the thing, my husband hates our sex life and is going to leave me, etc.)

We also learned another life-changing idea -- responsive desire, which means that my wife's arousal is like a water heater. (Sorry to switch metaphors) Three minutes of gas, and the water is still fucking freezing. Is this the end of the world? Hardly. She is slow to heat up, but once she gets going (and her foot is off the brake) she can get to a scalding boil. But my strategy of, "I'll give it five minutes, then declare it broken and play games," was dooming me to a life of never getting laid ever again -- and never feeling intimacy again.

I wonder if some of these models describe either your sexuality, your bf's, or both. Responsive desire is somewhat more common in women, but it can describe the sexual experience of someone with any gender.

Stress and its role in your problem

Looking at the 'dual control model', and really internalizing that idea, is going to help tremendously. What we learn from that idea is that if there is a ton of stress in your life, you are going to not really get in the mood you want to be in.

So, both you and your BF need to change your lives, to develop new coping strategies to become healthier, happier people in every area of your lives. This is a lifetime, ongoing project, that is too complex to summarize here -- I could go on and on. But at it's simplest level, I recommend constructing a list of healthy habits for self-care. Then build up a self care routine that works for you (should include some physical movement or exercise, eating healthy and staying hydrated, meditation, and keeping up your hygiene).

There are great books I can recommend on this point as well.

It used to be available free online, a long time ago. This is the best one I have read, though it has been awhile so others may be around now. Next, I would suggest Jay Wiseman's SM:101, he has others as well. And if you ever delve into rope...Midori.
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism https://www.amazon.com/dp/0964596008/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_jUWKBbZKN86GN

Try this book.

or DL the pdf.

It is pretty much my go-to beginers guide to the scene. This is how my first kinkfriend got me into it, and I have been a fan ever since!

Also, go slow, small steps, and do only what is fun for you both. And, yes, communication is key.

When I developed my agreement template it was many many moons ago. I did a web search and looked at a variety of different approaches, formats and verbiage. From there I picked the format I liked, the approach that made sense for me, and individual paragraphs on language that resonated with me.

My application, I use the agreement terminology rather than the term contract, is mostly as a communication and negotiation tool that documents what each persons agrees to as far as responsibilities and commitments to the other(s) involved.

If I were to start fresh now, I’d leverage the insight from The Devil in the Details Trilogy of constructs and philosophy in general and more embraced the ideas especially in structure and format at for a contract or agreement at least.

Also, I appreciate that for you in your relationship level 2 submissive has meaning, for others that terminology, if used, would likely have different meaning, and for others it is completely meaningless.

https://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B006T2ULTI

-Order this book! Aaaand read!
-Get on FL and build a community of like minded individuals, also has groups and advice stuff on there!
-have open and honest discussions about communication, expectations and boundaries!

Here are a few things to start:

1. Be really careful tying people up until you learn the ropes. They make cheap leather cuffs and restraints. Have her put those on and then tie those to things. Definitely don't want to cause nerve damage because of inexperience
   
   
2. There is a fantastic book called the new book of topping it is great for learning about this. There is a corresponding book of bottoming that your partner can read and this will give you something to discuss and share, which should be nice.
   
   
3. If you can find a mentor in your area, go find one. Fetlife is kind of dying but if you go to a meetup, you should be able to find a more experienced dom and observe what he does with his subs.
   
   
4. The basics of being dominant is to be dominant. Don't ask her things, tell her things. Order her around, use her the way (you both) you want. Be in charge.

Everyone is a little different, so mostly you should go directly to the source and find out what your sub prefers and is comfortable with.

However, it's always good to put in a little extra consideration in with mental health, so I'd recommend checking out this book:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013PQCP08/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Instead of rope you could use wrist restraints. The ones with velcro are really easy to undo on your own. You could loosely tie them off to the bed or whatever so he has slack and can still move a bit. Those under the bed restraint kits are fairly inexpensive too.

Here's a link to one on Amazon.

Adult Handcuff Strap Set with Soft Adjustable Mattress Straps and Wrist Ankle Plush Lining Cuffs for Couple Fantasy Games https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07YDHMVPW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_abz3DbZ1SHRSJ

Anal does not hurt when done right, unless you have a medical condition such as hemmerhoids.

People who say anal will always hurt are like people who say losing virginity always hurts. They are wrong and that spreads misinformation which causes people new to these types of sex to hurt themselves.

Numbing creams are also very dangerous because you can hurt yourself much more easily with anal sex vs vaginal sex. Your pain response is really important in keeping you safe.

The number one most important thing in my opinion regarding anal is lube. Good lube. J-Lube is very famous for being great for anal! If you mix it with some General Lubricant it will add some preservatives and it will keep longer.

You can use an "enema launcher" (basically a plastic syringe) to get lube way up in there. Sometimes no matter how much you put at the entrance, it doesn't get pushed deeper in and this can cause discomfort.

Directions for J-Lube:
http://www.anus.org/SEX/jlube.html#mixing

Product links:
J-Lube OB Lubric.Pwd 10Oz https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006G2S17A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_xMTOCb2W1F6WE

First Priority General Lube For Cattle Gallon https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DEG1Z1U/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_XMTOCbTG4XCSZ

CleanStream One Shot Enema Launcher https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008ASBIU0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_JMTOCb0D16V3R

You can also keep a butt plug in a few hours before sex to loosen you up! You'll want one with a wide neck. Here's a great guide to picking a plug with good design, as well as safely sizing up:

https://squirrelmunkwrites.wordpress.com/2017/11/26/the-elements-of-good-butt-plug-design/

https://squirrelmunkwrites.wordpress.com/category/guides/

As a bonus, he also has a guide to deep throating:
https://squirrelmunkwrites.wordpress.com/2017/10/14/learn-how-to-deep-throat/

I strongly recommend Doxy Diecast. Its big and looks like it will hurt you. And its a world class vibrator.

https://www.amazon.com/Doxy-Die-Cast-Aluminum-Titanium/dp/B0170CE9GQ

You are not supposed to really choke her, it's about applying pressure to the sides of the neck not the front. Read as much as you can about it and also find out what you like. Can highly recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B006T2ULTI/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=the+new+topping+book&qid=1558448500&s=gateway&sprefix=the+new+topping&sr=8-1

And please don't listen to people who tell you to use your thumbs and make her pass out, that's insane. Also, please understand that a top has the right to use a safeword also!

If even the low setting is too much for you then you can also find some controllers that reduce the incoming power like these https://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ?tag=electronicfro-20

They make body markers.

https://www.amazon.com/BIC-BodyMark-Temporary-Assorted-8-Count/dp/B07M98P3VK/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=body%2Bmarkers&qid=1571288462&sr=8-3&th=1&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/BIC-BodyMark-Temporary-Assorted-3-Count/dp/B07M98P3VK/ref=asc_df_B07M98P3VK/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312252651088&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3663533318905479990&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9012218&hvtargid=pla-654132668809&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ/ref=sr_1_3_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1542679555&sr=8-3&keywords=hitachi+wand+speed+controller

This?^

This one?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1890159190/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_jgvQBb374GNA0

Does it cover orgasm control, teasing, and denial?

Dressing gowns or scarves or other silky/satiny materials are not great for real bondage, as the knots tend to collapse and become very hard to undo. For beginners rope, just get some cheap cotton rope from the hardware store (which also gets very tight on the knots, but you don't care as much about cutting it off). Speaking of cutting it off, you shouldn't do any bondage without a pair of EMT shears like this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00YFG1U86/ which are designed to cut through tough fabric.

A good impromptu bind is a pillowcase to use as a armbinder behind her, or just her t-shirt pulled over her head and down around her elbows.

Listen to your gut, if things feel off there is a good reason for it.

This book isn't specific to BDSM but it does help a lot with recognizing red flags and avoiding bad people before you get involved with them.https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474

​

Some other warning signs would be getting too sexual too quickly, no discussion of boundaries, likes, dislikes, limits etc. Automatic assumption of dominance/ownership without allowing time for the relationship to progress organically. Or just generally being a jerk are also good signs that you should run away fast.

You guys should really start educating yourselves more before immediately jumping into it. Otherwise, your experience is going to be terrible if you don't.

>I'm also kind of struggling with the idea of it as my previous and first serious relationship was physically abusive and controlling and I cant wrap my head around why someone wants that?

BDSM isn't abuse or abusive in any way. It should always be completely consensual and non-manipulative, which is what separates it from abuse. A healthy BDSM exchange has no qualities of an abusive relationship at all. In BDSM, both parties can communicate and have a say. Communication is really key in BDSM in order for it to function properly. If you have poor communication skills in your relationship, you need to work on that first if you think about jumping into kink. See here.

You both need to communicate more, have more discussions, be completely open about not knowing and learning together. Both parties should be reading and gathering information together. Even if you ever decide to be the "Dom", make sure you're not the only one educating yourself.

With that said, I recommend reading beginner BDSM books. Here's one I suggest, but definitely feel free to hunt for others: "Exploring BDSM: A Workbook For Couples by Morgan Thorne"

Watching educational videos (not porn). Evie Lupine is a great channel for beginners, just look around her channel for beginners content: Her YouTube Channel.

You can also poke around these subs:

r/gentlefemdom

r/femdomcommunity

r/rolereversal

If you find out you're submissive, or even just plain vanilla, don't feel like you have to force yourself into an act for your partner. Doing this will only lead to frustration and disappointment in the relationship. If your partner needs for his partner to be dominant, and it's not in you to provide that (and vice versa, if he can't be dominant for you if you needed it), then you'll have to evaluate the relationship from there.

I'm a 37M disabled Dom in the lifestyle. Thesr books have helped me a great deal in dealing with submissives who are physically or mentally disabled. I've also gotten just as much out of his companion book for Dom's who are disabled because I suffer from depression and PTSD myself.

Broken Toys: Submissives With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013PQCP08/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_b013pqcp08

Mastering Mind: Dominants With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Mind-Dominants-Neurological-Dysfunction-ebook/dp/B00PG5DZCY/ref=pd_aw_sim_351_1/133-0226460-5633645?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00PG5DZCY&pd_rd_r=7c9831e0-bdcf-45c5-9df5-04712811e4bd&pd_rd_w=Gq9NV&pd_rd_wg=Y1mqF&pf_rd_p=6329818b-951a-4e75-9070-7e13e9f9f308&pf_rd_r=9FH7QG8CR48VNNMAJZMZ&psc=1&refRID=9FH7QG8CR48VNNMAJZMZl

Now take care and be in touch.

My slave is a human trafficking victim. She barely escaped with her life after hundreds of rapes. This October we celebrate our 9th year together.

She shares a lot of similar problems that you have. Do they frustrate me sometimes? Absolutely, I'm human after all. However, this is what I decided to take on. I walked into this eyes wide open, and that helps me a lot when times get tough. I can safely assume your dominant feels the same way.

No one is too broken to love, or to kink.

This is a book that has helped my slave a lot with not feeling like she's the only one. Maybe it'll do the same for you: Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction https://www.amazon.com/dp/0990544117/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_g84FDbKQPBV5C