(Part 2) Top products from r/actuallesbians

For me, making new friends is a lot like dating - in the sense that I have to go out and meet new people, see if there is a good connection, and decide whether I want to take it further (as in spend more one-on-one time together). I've even made purely platonic friends through dating sites, where the intention was platonic from the start (made one lovely straight female friend this way!).

Obviously the parameters are a bit different... with friendship, things like attractiveness, age, orientation and romantic availability are a non-issue for me (though I generally avoid friendships with single straight men, as they usually just want to date me). You don't need to worry about flirting or defining the relationship with a friend, so it's easier in some ways! However, many of the same things apply, in the sense that I am looking for people who have some interests or passions in common, have a similar sense of humour, and where the conversation flows easily and feels effortless.

Another thing I've found is that it's good to be open to people of a wide range of ages and life stages. My closest friend now is 52, and I'm 26. I also have another wonderful friend who is 19. I find that people between 25-45 tend to be more insular as they often marry, have kids and/or focus on their careers, so it can be helpful to make friends that aren't all in the same age range.

For more info, I highly recommend the following books - they helped me a lot:

https://www.amazon.com/Friendships-Dont-Just-Happen-GirlFriends-ebook/dp/B07776956H/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1518111670&sr=8-2&keywords=girlfriend+circles

https://www.amazon.com/Frientimacy-Deepen-Friendships-Lifelong-Happiness-ebook/dp/B017QL9P5Q/ref=pd_sim_351_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=W4H6VS3M2BAFB6HEMQ1K

Hey Ladies!

So there's a couple of books I'd like to share. For me personally, continuing to look at deep issues in my life is helping me as I search for my Ms. Right. I, too, am still looking. I like these books because they help me clarify what I'm looking for.

And, cause I'm safety girl, the last recommendation (the de Becker book) is a great one about trusting our intuition, about assessing human behavior and predicting what someone might do. I wish that one was required reading, heh, cause I feel we all could benefit from reading it.

Richo, How to Be an Adult An amazing book on setting boundaries, caring for one's self. I totally bristled at the title at first, but this stuff is really great. Richo takes a Buddhist/Jungian/integration perspective that I feel I have been searching for my entire life, fwiw. Which brings me to my next recommendation:

Richo, How to Be an Adult in Relationships Enough said, it's a great book.

de Becker, The Gift of Fear de Becker is an expert in security--another list of ways we can learn to trust our intuitions, our "gut" to keep ourselves safe.

How I carry myself, my inner life, really affects what happens in my environment, I feel. For example, I totally flirted with a hot girl on a bicycle the other day--she stopped and came back to talk to me! I felt like a million bucks. However, I got skeered and didn't ask for her number (doh!). My "excuse" is that she looked about 22 (and I'm 34, perhaps a bit too much of an age gap for me). But damn, it felt good.

As an introvert, it can be difficult to "turn it on" and be outward-directed and friendly to people, but it's getting easier with practice. And I have a beautiful lambda necklace I like to wear sometimes, to hopefully signal my sapphic nature to the ladies. ;)

ok I'm here again!

I've read retellings:

Dark Wife

- about persephone and hades

- if you wish me to tell you the warnings i can, i wish books put warnings in it so people can skip it

Seafarer's Kiss

- its a siren story(like little mermaid) in viking version, if i'm not wrong

- i love how the writer portrayed loki in this XD

Promises, Promises

- i linked the review

- its funny XD

Some other fairytales, not exactly retellings

Santa Olivia

- not a retelling, its about a boxer girl, it has a sequel too

- its a nice story and funny

When Women Were Warriors

- this is set in kinda medieval times

Dragonoak

- first of a trilogy, fantasy medieval

- the world building is nice as well as the characters

Second Mango

- its a story about a princess turned queen that searches for love of a girl

- its a sweet and cute story and hehehe its funny

Villains Don't Date Heroes

- there is a lot of monologuing here, because she's a villain, all that monologuing lol XP

- its funny

Iron & Velvet

- supernatural

- dissing twilight here and there lol XP

- monologuing too, coz she's a detective, after i realized that i got over the monologuing lol XP

lol i just basically listed all i've read for the past half year or so lol XP \>.\< i'm so sorry \>.\< and its not even historical

You are whatever you want to be. Gay, straight, bisexual. It doesn't matter. Don't pigeonhole yourself with labels or identifications. Realize you're in a transitional period in your life. So take your time. Don't rush your identification. This is an excellent opportunity to think about yourself with out being a total narcisis. Just be yourself and do what you feel is right for you.

Don't feel stupid about missing red flags. I was with a women once who started to explore her feelings at 55 years old. (She was a total fire cracker in bed by the way. Sooooo hot.)

If you want to explore your homosexuality then do that. If you meet an awesome chick, ask her out. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. Conversely, if you meet an awesome dude, go for it. The point of life is to be happy not live up to other peoples bullshit standards.

Listen, this is your life. You need to work your ass off to do what makes you happy. And so what if its taken you a little longer then others? I took me 24 years to try a Big Mac. Once I finally tried it, it blew my fucking mind, it was so good. Moral of the story, it's easy to miss obvious things sometimes.

Read books. Here's a good starting point.

http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understanding-Womens-Desire/dp/0674032268/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321058655&sr=1-4

Basically, this means you are a total bad ass for being brave enough to do something that you feel is right for you. You're taking a risk and I for one commend you.

Good luck and my the force be with you.

I love my RodeoH harness. I'm about a size 12, sometimes 14, so flirting the line between straight sizes and plus sizes. I'm not sure how RodeoH would fit on a larger person, but mine is super comfy and there are no pinchy bits. Also, the base of the dildo rests a little lower than many strap ons I've seen, which makes it not only comfortable but it actually feels good at certain angles.

Alternately, there are products like this this that are super adjustable (though I can't vouch for the quality of this product as I haven't used it.)

Also, your body is nothing to be embarrassed about. All bodies of all sizes are great and deserve fun sex (if they want it!)

I would definitely go back to therapy if you can, as that can significantly help you in your journey of making friends. Learning to manage your mental health effectively is a key part of being able to maintain healthy and stable friendships - I know because I have a close friend with bipolar. The therapist can also provide an objective opinion if there is something you are doing that is inadvertently putting people off.

I do think bipolar can present some unique challenges, as when the person is manic they can seem very self-focused and not always be a good listener. Then when they are depressed they withdraw and you might not hear from them for months, so people can lose a lot of friends in those ups and downs. This has certainly tested my patience in friendships, especially if the person is not seeking therapy or addressing their mental health.

I would also recommend doing some reading about friendship, particularly the following books:

[Friendships Don't Just Happen by Shasta Nelson] (https://www.amazon.com/Friendships-Dont-Just-Happen-GirlFriends-ebook/dp/B07776956H/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1525093788&sr=1-1&keywords=girlfriend+circles)

[Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson] (https://www.amazon.com/Frientimacy-Deepen-Friendships-Lifelong-Happiness-ebook/dp/B017QL9P5Q/ref=pd_sim_351_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=VP28WVKD7VT90MKNQE6Y)

Pass her a note. I am reading this book and I happen to love poetry and the author gave me a great idea to write haikus to lovely ladies. Seriously just write a short note with a clever haiku and I promise you, you'll get a decent response from her.

I am starting to keep a pen and paper with me at all times.

Here's a starter haiku

I know you don't know

me. But your smile makes me blush.

Here is my number?

edit: for you tech dependent gals, you can change "number" to "Insta", "Tinder", "Snapchat", lol. ;)

I think with our oldest it was harder. By the time we had the second, she already knew that the bio-mum/boob obsession doesn't last forever. From talking to my straight couple friends, it's not too different to how it goes with them - the baby is more mum-focused for the first few months and dad can feel a bit left out. But really it's only a very short time in the scheme of things. I'd be lying if I said it was never ever an issue, but it's a distant memory now. Honestly that first few months of having a baby can be pretty world shattering, and we ended up a bit sensitive and cranky with the sleep deprivation etc anyway, so little things were magnified. It's good you're thinking about this stuff now. I liked the book Confessions of the other mother, which is a compilation of stories by non-bio lesbian mums, it helped me understand her feelings better.

Do you have an LGBT center near you? The nearest might be in a nearby city. If they do, see if there are any lesbian group sessions. It can be eye-opening to meet, hear and see other women who have gone through similar situations and survived: what went right, what went not-right and what they'd do differently if they had it to do all over again.

Here are a few books that I tend to recommend about your situation. They're written by women in your situation:
Dear John, I love Jane.
Living Two Lives.
Married Women Who Love Women.

They come in Kindle editions, so you could read them on your phone without worrying about leaving them laying around the house.

Ohhh man. This is me, this is my life. We do lots of stuff, but the only time where I find having a body like a retired linebacker gets in the way is when we're using a strap-on. Putting pillows underneath the receiving partner helps a lot to angle everything, also using a longer dildo. I use this harness and it works great.

There's a whole section of pick up strategies in The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!). There are some in this article, but others are only in the book, like how to pick-up specific types of lesbian:

The DIY Lesbian

"My life has vastly
improved since I started to
roll my own tampons."

The sporty lesbian

"Is that Old Spice that
you're wearing, or... is that Old
Spice that you're wearing?"

The straight-looking lesbian

Say literally
anything - she's thrilled someone
is talking to her.

A quick search brought up these titles:


Confessions of the Other Mother

She Looks Just Like You

And Baby Makes More

I don't if they are any good, or if they're quite what you're looking for, but good luck in your search!

Notes on Love and Courage is really just a collection of quotes from Hugh Prather's journal over the years. The book that quoted that book (I guess my citation could have been more specific) is called Living Two Lives: Married to a Man & In Love With a Woman. You might or might not find it useful.

Lesbian/Queer main characters:

Batwoman - She's a lesbian and her romantic relationships play a fairly important role in the series. Her villains are a bit B-list but they're enjoyable reads never the less. Some controversy over DC's decision to prohibit her "happiness" and troubles with the talented creative staff that are worth investigating beforehand but it's worth noting that these issues do not effect the trade paperbacks 1-3. Don't make my mistake and accidentally buy Batgirl comics and wonder when she's supposed to start kissing ladies.

Lumberjanes - The trade paperback is supposed to come out some time next year but individual issues are currently being published. All ages comic that portrays a scout type group at a summer camp full of monsters. I'm not personally reading it but I've heard nothing but good things.

Funhome - A proper "graphic novel." An unbelievably intelligent and nuanced perspective on gender and sexuality. Bechdel compares her coming out process against her late father's closeted homosexuality to draw an intimate but calculated portrait of American sexuality and family.

Lesbian/Queer minor characters:

Saga - Holy shit, I can't recommend this enough. So utterly fantastic that words fail me. I buy this for everyone I know who's even faintly interested in comics.

The Walking Dead - The queer characters don't show up for a long while but this is the series the very popular TV show is based on. It's a little "Drama-y" for me but my girlfriend's dad gobbles them up like there's no tomorrow.

Not queer but awesome:

Chew - A world where poultry is outlawed and people have superpowers only related to food. My mom called it "kind of weird" which it is. I can't get enough.

Revival - The dead come to life but they're mostly just cranky, okay, sometimes murderous, but not that often. Strong female protagonists.

Awesome!! Thank you!!

You're doing a huge service for us in the trans community and the human race in general! I hope you won't mind me sharing my own personal little story in a few paragraphs, to say how I think you are helping. I'm aware you're not teaching LGBT issues and that's totally cool, but you are bringing LGBT (especially T) awareness to your students, and thus their circles in life. Which I'm pretty sure is your goal.

With out disclosing too much about me (not out to the whole world yet) I grew up in the mountains of the East Coast in a very, very small town. So small, my grade school had 10 to 15 students per class tops. For me, there is almost no question, I was the only trans student they ever saw in their entire history. The problem is, I think the school and the community as a whole, had and still have zero understanding of transgender people. If I was a gambiling gal, I would wager a months income, if you asked anyone in that community to explain what a transperson is, if they had any idea at all, they would say, that we were all Drag Queens and wanna-be Ru Pauls, or maybe worse, they'll think we are male sexual predators in dresses.

Long, long story short, I would have been a very early transitioner if anyone had even an inkling of an understanding of trans issues. I was so aligned with myself growing up. At my early ages, I could not understand why no one else saw me as a little girl too. So I was... I guess, let's use the word conditioned by the system to be a "male". But for the longest time, (all of grade school and most of HS) everyone just thought I was a hyper effeminate gay guy. I wasn't though, and by then I was so confused and hurt from not being able to understand myself, and the constant onslaught of heartless and sharp edged ridicule I received for my natural gender expression. I had no idea why I wasn't attracted to guys. I could agree with everyone that I was very femme, but for the life of me, I could not understand how everyone thought I was a gay guy. Moreover, I couldn't shake the feelings and thoughts that I was somehow a girl. Which by my teenage years all this drove me to some very hard drugs and too many close calls at trying to end it all. It took a long time for me to figure it out, and I made mistakes that I'm still to this day surprised I survived, but when I was very young I knew me. I just didn't have the vocabulary and neither did the community or the school system, to help me truly express myself. The constant explanations of “Mommy I'm a girl” were only met by the community as a whole demanding in unison “toughen up boy.”

So, you very possibly will be saving some poor trans girl or boy in the future, from walking a path of hard drugs, attempting suicide dozens of times (and possibly succeeding), and joining the military to full-fill a death wish, etc, all by the simple act of bringing awareness that we exist, and we have our own stories that are valid too.

Thank you!!

For you, I have a list of things that may or may not interest you in furthering your own education – if you haven't already read and seen these things of course. By the way, I'm an educator too (sorta), a graduate student who's taught some college algebra before.

By far, the best and most recent introduction to transgender studies is Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. It is probably above the heads of all but your brightest students, and I bet you will find it to be a really good, thought provoking read. Julia is an academic who earned her PHD from Columbia, who is a trans lesbian too, and also a trans feminist (which is slightly different than traditional feminist thought, but not so different that cisgender women / men can't relate and see her point.)

Our America: Transgender Lives by Lisa Ling is a very touching and informative look into transgender people. To be fair, this is grade school next to Whipping Girl which is a masters level thesis. But for what it is worth, Lisa brings a much needed awareness via OWN to the general American public at large.

Something that maybe you could show your students is from one of our very own redditors, PenelopeCD She posted it yesterday or the day before. It is a self pic that captures an entire narrative of the life a trans woman. One of those very rare photos that tells a 500 page novel in a glance. Of course I'd ask her if you could share it, but here it is, she titled it masterfully as, Every Day

So I can't thank you enough. My first decades of life were a living hell. A true Stephen King nightmare, just because of my true reality in the face of a culture that thinks at the very least, I'm all fucked up and basket case, and at the worst, I don't even exist, and I should not be allowed to live in a world next to cisgender people.

Thank you!!!
Nikki

Also, yeah, yeah, book recommendations, but here you go (The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker): http://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198

Don't be afraid to trust your gut

I’ve found this book to be a good, supportive resource: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_

Don't be afraid! My girlfriend of three years is actually going through this same issue herself--we've decided to expand the rules of our open relationship as a result. I highly recommend you read this book. It's all about how women may find themselves desiring different things at different stages in their lives and in varying circumstances. Most of all, don't feel like you're all alone--I think this is a more common predicament than the lesbian community is willing to admit, and no one should be ostracized for it.

This is my daughter's favorite book! Princess Princess Ever After

I haven't read this myself, but it was recommended on AfterEllen.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1627782281/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_WK7bzb15XPZJ6

It is now in my Amazon cart for payday. 😜

Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:

Amazon Smile Link: http://smile.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Demystified-Understanding/dp/1569244561


|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|




This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting). The thread for feature requests can be found here.

Yeah, it looks like it's a leaked image from the upcoming Turf Wars comic series.

Am assuming you mean the Amazon link, here you go!

Princess Princess Ever After

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1620103400

https://www.amazon.com/Witches-Princesses-Women-Arms-Lesbian/dp/1627782281/ref=nodl_

Yup. Exactly. I read so much I always wait for the trade volumes. "Volume 1" is after Elegy. https://www.amazon.com/Batwoman-Vol-Hydrology-New-52/dp/1401237843

I haven't read that book, however I have read "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" by Robert O. Firedel. (http://www.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Demystified-Understanding/dp/1569244561)
That book as very good and pretty accurate in its descriptions of BPD.
As someone who is personally diagnosed with BPD I don't like books that make you look like the villain who is out to hurt anyone who they can get attached to. (My own personal opinion). --->(http://books.google.com/books/about/Stop_Walking_on_Eggshells.html?id=UFrAvF2Bj-cC)

Well, owing that you're a cis person, I am going to challenge you.

If I may direct you to references of authority, you will realize not only that this tack is inappropriate, but also inaccurate and quite offensive.

Julia Serano (around pages 28–32 of Whipping Girl: A transsexual woman on sexism and the scapegoating of femininity has written and published on this subject. What I have already explained a few replies up on this thread echoes that thesis. Another regular redditor, catamorphism, has touched on this subject several times over the last several months.

Also worth review:

• "Put the goddamn space in 'Transwoman', 'transfeminism', 'transmasculine', etc (language politics #1)"
  
  
• "What not to call trans people"
  
  
• "Transperson vs. trans person" [re: Press for Change (UK) 2011 amendment in style use]
  
  
• "Why I use cis and trans as adjectives rather than prefixes"
  
  
• • 
    
    >Also, since when is it "American-style" to create neologisms? Never mind; don't answer that. You've started responding to me with sarcasm and mild, personal insults. It's clear that this conversation isn't going to go anywhere positive.
    
    American-style refers to the American propensity to render compound words out of concepts which otherwise (and elsewhere) are not compounded elsewhere.
    
    As for the tone of my responses I am directing your way, I am being quite direct and quite serious with you. There is no sarcasm or insult coming from me. If you'd like, I could change that.
    
    But I would much rather read a straightforward response from you which gets to the crux of what I believe you're thinking and what you know you're thinking with respect to trans women whose bodies are morphologically transitioned: are they off-limits for/repulsive to you the same way a morphologically un(der)-transitioned body of a trans man is OK* with you — that is, "If they're A.F.A.B. then it's a'OK with me"?
    
    You need not answer for my sake. If you want to be forthwith, do it for others. I know already where you stand.

Maybe she has a mental illness, maybe she grew up in an abusive home. Whatever the reason, horrible as it might sound, you can't help her, and trying to fix someone is frequently a great way to get trapped in an abusive relationship. It's aimed at women trying to understand abusive men, but you might want to check out Why Does He Do That. And maybe The Gift of Fear while you're at it.

First, I'm not saying that it's either/or. However, just as there are a lot of people who mistakenly think that waving a gun around will magically make the evil go away, there are also a lot of people who mistakenly think that martial arts give them some magical advantage over anyone wielding a firearm. I'm going to assume that neither of us are subject to this kind of magical thinking.

Owning and carrying a firearm responsibly takes training and practice. Most law-abiding gun owners go to the range more than police do. We also learn the laws in our states regarding when it is legal or not legal to use a handgun in self-defense or defense of another.

Firearms work at a greater distance than martial arts. By the time someone is close enough for hand-to-hand fighting, you simply aren't going to have time to draw and fire a gun outside some very narrow circumstances. So, yes, martial arts can be useful, but they are not the be-all, end-all defense against firearms that some people like to claim. Nor are firearms the be-all, end-all defense against everything that some people like to claim, either.

Run if you can (I can't because I'm waiting for knee replacement surgery in both legs).
De-escalate if possible.
Fight or shoot as a very last resort.

My decision to get my permit and to carry was not made lightly, but three encounters I had in my taxi (when I was still capable of running) helped change my mind. You better believe I'm familiar with the laws regarding defensive gun use in my state. I also did a lot of reading about de-escalation and conflict avoidance, because even though I understand that I might someday need to shoot someone to defend myself, I'd really rather not have to. I recommend these four books:

The Art of the Con by Gary F. Cornelius;
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker;
The Little Black Book of Violence by Lawrence Kane and Kris Wilder;
Meditations on Violence by Rory Miller.

If you're into YA, I've been keeping a list of the ones with queer female protagonists:

--The Tiger’s Daughter by K. Arsenault Rivera

--Of Fire and Stars and Of Ice and Shadows by Audrey Coulthurst

--Inkmistress by Audrey Coulthurst

--Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Córdova

--The Defiant Heir by Melissa Caruso

-- Daughter of Fire: Conspiracy of the Dark by Karen Frost

--Girls Made of Snow and Glass by Melissa Bashardoust

--Ash and Huntress by Malinda Lo

--Breaking Legacies by Zoe Reed

--Reign of the Fallen and Song of the Dead by Sarah Glenn Marsh

--Castle on the River Vistula by Michelle Tea

--The Afterward, by E.K. Johnston

--Crier's War by Nina Varela

--The Seafarer's Kiss by Julia Ember

--The books in Shira Glassman's Mangoverse

--Ship of Smoke and Steel by Django Wexler

--The Raven and the Reindeer by T. Kingfisher

--The Cursed Queen by Sarah Fine

--Robbergirl by S.T. Gibson

--Sam Farren's Dragonoak series

--Starless by Jacqueline Carey

--The Nobles of Sperath by Siera Maley

--Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan