(Part 3) Top products from r/introvert

You're welcome. Having my own history of social anxiety and being hurt, I can see a little of myself in both of you which is why I want to help as well as I can.

Regarding the virtual hug thing, I'd say you're definitely overreacting. It might just be that he didn't want to just exactly copy you, as that might imply him not having his own personality. It might be that he does not really feel such virtual signs affection are that important, since they are nothing like the real thing but just pixels on a screen. What is a virtual hug, anyway? And don't you think him reciprocating a virtual kiss far outweighs him not reciprocating a virtual hug? How is a virtual kiss a way of holding back?

Don't focus on little things that might be missing (the virtual hug), but on the big things you do actually have. You two are in touch everyday. You are one of only very few people he confided his childhood trauma to (that he had for a very long time not even talked about to his mother) and he sought your emotional support when he had a bad day. Plus he actively reached out to you for that. Don't you think these are huge signs he feels really close to you, that you very likely already are the most important person to him? I see his opening up as a big step forward. Telling you how "fucked up" his life is already requires a lot of trust and your continued support and affection following his confessions will boost his trust in you even further. Do you also confide in him? That will show him that you trust him as well. I think it is important that he knows that he also is an important source of support to you.

About whether his feelings for you are of a growing and romantic nature: Of course you never "know", but as your relationship already has a physical intimacy component to it, I highly doubt he sees you as "just a friend". And I wouldn't share deep feelings with someone I don't feel very close to and also see being close to in the future, so I'd also rule out that he still sees you as a temporary dating partner. Maybe he is just as anxious to "seal the deal" with you but thinks he might seem too desperate coming forward too early. Maybe he first wants to make sure you know about his flaws before he's comfortable to do so, so that you know what you are "getting yourself into" and will not get the feeling of being tricked into something. I can imagine he would be just as destroyed if he was left by you, as you would be if you were left by him. So don't be afraid, but patient. Patient with him, patient with yourself. Take the time to reflect on your own feelings for him. What exactly are they enforced by? Is it genuine happiness you feel when being together, or is it only alleviation of pain? Do you want a relationship with him (and why him) or do you rather need it (a need that could just as well be fulfilled by someone else)? The better you understand your own feelings, the better you can deal with and act on them.

Of course you can't see the future, nobody can, and you might fear that one day he might not need you any more. Remember that he might fear the same about you (he probably does). And the only way out of this fear is to work on your relationship and, to that end, on yourselves. As I said, the most stable relationships are those that both partners don't absolutely need, but want anyway. That's what you (and anyone else, for that matter) should strive for. Right now you both desperately need each other and that is okay, but in the long term you need to think about the question: If we were both happy about ourselves and didn't need permanent validation and emotional support from each other, what would make us want to be together anyway? At the latest when you have helped each other to defeat your self-esteem issues your relationship cannot simply be based on helping each other in bad times, but will have to thrive on the good times: the fun you have together, the compliments for achievements, the interesting conversations. For that to happen, you need to know yourselves. Know what brings you fun, know your goals and work towards them, know your interests. And as I already said, as long as you do it for yourself and not for anyone else, working on yourself will pay off in any case. It will help you with relationships and it will help you when being rejected. You said that you already have great conversations with your partner, that you both have similar goals in life, and that you try to work on yourself in therapy. That's great! You're moving in the right direction.

Do you think philosophy might be something that could interest you? You seem to worry a lot about the feeling of being worthless, especially upon being rejected. For a long time, I thought it would be impossible to see my life as intrinsically valuable; I thought that I would always need validation by others to be able to enjoy life in the first place. Learning about philosophy has helped me with that. I'm not yet where I want to be, but I'm definitely less anxious. If you feel like you could be interested, you might give this playlist a try and/or read Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder, a book written for young adults as an introduction to Western Philosophy. Another book I can recommend is Anne Frank's diary. Learning about her dreams and interests, her love of life and nature, and on the other hand her fears and her loneliness, and the sheer fact that she didn't get the chance to live the life she dreamed of, this all made my own problems seem somehow... less severe.

In any case: Chin up! I'm optimistic things will work out for you!

Have you ever seen the film Little Miss Sunshine? You might enjoy it if you happen to find a spare minute. There's a character in it who's a teenager like yourself who takes a vow of silence, for political reasons in his case. You might expect that the film might take the attitude of making fun of him, and occasionally it does, but it also takes a very human and understanding attitude towards him. If I recall correctly he's really one of the best characters.

Keep in mind this film is what you might call black humor; please don't blame me if you watch it and it offends you. But it might also make you smile as it has made me smile. I hope you enjoy it if you do watch it.

Anyway, you sound like you're in a place where you are trying to heal and mourn. I don't know what it's like to experience your mental state, so no one except you can tell you whether it is a healthy place or not. Does that make sense? Human contact is really important to the healthy human experience, but it's not like you're completely forgoing human contact (e.g. you're presumably still listening to class discussion and responding in nominal ways, and here you are, also, talking to us). That's still a lot of stimulation as /u/NotBeth pointed out; I definitely would feel overstimulated if I had to sit through high school again.

You sound like you're working on yourself right now, possibly in a way that you don't fully understand. Certainly it's unlikely that we, from reading 82 words that you posted on the Internet, can understand what's going on.

From noticing your posts elsewhere on this account, it definitely seems like you are struggling with some depression. So, as a fellow stoner, a former teacher, and a person who has also suffered loss and who has struggled with depression, I actually will issue some advice.

• Smile sometimes. Smile at yourself in the mirror. This might sound like stupid advice but it isn't. Smiles make people happy, and it works shockingly well on oneself.
  
  
• Cut the weed to a bare minimum, if not completely out of your life. I say this as a semi-daily stoner myself - but I'm 28 years old and fully physically mature. Weed in teenage years is associated with anxiety disorders in adulthood. That is no joke. While you are still physically growing, you need to let yourself reach physical maturity without too much physical interference. The weed will still be there when you're 22 or 23. /r/leaves is a resource for you; they're committed to quitting weed and they're not too terribly pretentious about it.
  
  
• Find people to talk to about these feelings -- not necessarily on an "every day" basis, but it's important to be able to process them and trying to do so alone is massively overrated. Some suggestions: your doctor (if they are a good doctor), a therapist (always an excellent call; I'm sure your parents would hook you up if you haven't been speaking for two weeks lol), or the web site 7 Cups of Tea, which connects you anonymously right away to a caring listener via text chat, and there are other self-care exercises you can do.
  
  
• None of this means you're crazy/weak/not a man/not a woman/whatever you might be worrying about. Part of this self-care stuff means learning to listen to the narratives that you tell yourself when you're in your head, and pruning the unhealthy ones (not in a violent way, but in a nurturing way) so that the healthy ones can grow.
  
  
• Continue to let yourself grieve in your own way. In a way I think you are wise and courageous to give yourself "permission" to adopt this silence. But don't overdo it, because as I said, going it alone is overrated.
  
  
• Join us in /r/meditation if you want to find a community of others who are all working on ourselves, as patiently as we can. I warn you however that we are very long-winded over there.
  
  Please feel free to message me if you'd like to chat. Good luck!
  
  Edit: One final thing -- there is a book out there called The Miracle of Mindfulness that has helped me more than I can possibly say. I would be happy to pay for you to have a copy -- if you buy one off Amazon and post proof, I would be happy to PayPal you the cost of the book & shipping ($14.48 it looks like).

>How do I continuously be happy and keep up a good mood daily?

Andrew Weil just wrote a book and in it he talks about how we can't expect to be happy every day all the time. Basic contentment is what I work for, and it happens as I just appreciate what I have. Since I hike a lot, I appreciate being home with running water, shelter, and lots of things many take for granted. Appreciation of what we have (food, shelter, medicine, health, etc), over and over again, can bring a lot of contentment.

>How can I stop judging people, and myself?

Notice the difference between judgement and discernment. We always have discernment, as in, "do I want an apple or an orange." It's not bad, it's just the way we make decisions. If you are constantly seeing the bad in yourself, start to look for the good: kindness, humor, awareness, intelligence, truthfulness, gratitude, etc.

We always have discernment, it's necessary, and self-judgement diminishes when we actively look for the positive in ourselves as well as others. We're all a mixed bag, no one is perfect.

>How can I not be jealous?

Learn to be happy for another's happiness. The jealousy may be strong at first, but realize there is no limit to happiness, it's like air. The possibilities are as open as your creativity. So, if you are jealous of your friend with a girl, be happy for him. When your friends are doing better, just be happy for them.

After years of working on jealousy, I've found I really appreciate my life and what I've got. It's weird, but I don't want to be in anyone else's shoes. My life, as boring as it may be (though it's had lots of excitement, just not by movie-worthy standards), I wouldn't trade it for anything.

>For some more experienced introverts, how did you handle high-school, and how did it turn out for you?

In high school, back in the dark ages of the late 1970s, I enjoyed my classes and teachers, but never really related to my peers. Within a year of graduating I was no longer in touch with any of them, and I don't regret it. They are and were fine people, I just never really clicked with them. I never go to any reunions. Looking back, it was a rather dysfunctional time for me on many levels. When I got to college I found people who had similar interests, was relatively social, and I'm still in touch with several friends from that time.

>Are these all skills that I can acquire with practice or is there something I'm missing?

There are definitely social skills I practiced when I was in my 40s with a therapist and some close friends, but they were not things I could have done on my own. You could do this sort of thing, but it requires another person. Or, if you're interested in "How to make friends" I suspect there are books out there. For me, I had to work on some listening skills as well as validating skills, as well as some other fine points.

I have no immediate advice about hanging out with friends or not. I'd say stay true to yourself. If it's not working with friends at this time, it's just not working. You're all going through a lot of changes, year to year. That settles as you get older, and the changes that do happen are less noticeable outside, but very worthwhile inside.

For me it's kind of an awkard feeling in the air. Sometimes when I go to parties and there are good friends there I can be the life of the party, and sometimes it's just too much for me and like you said everyone thinks I'm having a bad time. The other thing is that we don't need to be expressing that we are having a good time. I get asked a lot if I'm ok and I just say yeah I'm good. Most people think I'm just being polite and that I am not really having a good time. The hardest thing is explaining to extroverts that you want to be alone. They just don't get it. To them it's an insult. It is really hard to explain to them that it's not that I don't want to be with you, it's that I don't want to be with anybody right now. They take it personally. One thing that can help a lot is to schedule alone time periods in your schedule. Than when someone asks if you want to do something you can say, I'm busy right now but if you wait a half an hour I can. This will give you time to recharge and they will just think you are busy doing something. The truth is you are busy doing something, they just won't usually understand that you are accomplishing something by being alone. If you turn it into a task than you will be able to have your time undisturbed without hurting anybodies feelings. For those that are really close to you, tell them that is what you are doing and how important it is that you do that and give them some study materials about introverts (think meter Briggs type stuff). Once they see that this is real and that you are different, they will for the most part be really supportive and will even shield you from other people trying to disturb that time. If they can't be supportive (I have run into this, Topic of another discussion.) than they will probably exit your life anyway. The last thing that I would highly recommend is to find little introvert sanctuaries in the places that you are commonly at. Little hiding holes that you can retire to when things get to be too much. So if you are going to school find a stairwell or the end of a hallway that doesn't get much traffic. If you work just find a place you can go where people don't normally hang out. Sometimes just ten minutes will make all the difference. I just read an article about a woman that was setting these up at her work. She was painting places like this nicely so that when she needed to she could go "hide" and recharge in a pleasant environment. I thought that was pretty cool. In a pinch I've even hid in a bathroom stall for a bit. I know it seems embarrassing, but it got the Job done. Have you taken a Meyer Briggs type personality test? This will help you a lot to understand what you need and how to utilize your personality better. For instance I am an INTJ. This tells me what I will most likely exceed at, and how I approach problems and such. It also tells me how I am likely to react with other personality types. This info is gold for people like us. For a long time I really thought I was weird and didn't understand why I was different. I wanted friends and such I just didn't fit into groups and such. It was because of who I am. One wouldn't fault Eli Manning for being genetically gifted at throwing a football, but they sure faulted me for being genetically gifted at taking tests. I use to hide this info. I wouldn't do my homework and such so it looked like I was average. (I didn't really want to do that silly stuff anyways.) Now I embrace it. Am I smart heck yeah I am. You need me to figure out how to do the stuff you can't do...That will be 40$ an hour. Why should I be ashamed that I'm good at something. It's not Arrogance, it's talent. So if you haven't taken a personality exam than go take one. Let me know what you come up with. Look into the different personality types.
http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Me-Character-Temperament/dp/0960695400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330685269&sr=8-1
here is a great book that will get you started. When you are done reading it then you can pass it on to your loved ones and it might help them understand you better. Sorry this turned into a novel, but I know all too well how it is to feel like an outcast just because you look at things differently than most people. If I can help someone learn what I've learned quicker than I have than I can feel like I've accomplished something.

therapy is great. Barring that, mindfulness is exactly targeted to becoming more present and less caught up in worries. Headspace is a great app with some guided meditations and videos for beginners. The first ten episodes are free, and actually you can just use them over and over and it's great.

Barring that, assuming you want to learn to be more productive with your inner monologues, learn more about how to use them productively. "How to be an Adult" by David Richo is an amazing book for personal growth. Great for understanding what is going on inside of you. Another one that is more of a workbook but is really tied in to what you're describing is called "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life". It has some great descriptions about what goes on in the mind, with a series of increasing and varied activities for you to practice dealing with them.

Doing other activities can help in the short term, like a distraction, but ultimately your growth in this arena will come from seeking to understand and work with your thoughts better, not just avoid encountering them.

Good luck!

Introvert who likes to dance here.

Honestly, you sound judgmental and condescending. It's okay for you to not like these things, but it's absolutely fine for your girlfriend to enjoy them. There is nothing morally wrong with getting drunk and dancing to loud music with a bunch of your friends.

Are you afraid of her cheating on you or something? Are you afraid of feeling "lame" or left out? Then you need to say that directly, not go on an insulting passive aggressive rant. A decent girlfriend can enjoy dancing and support their partner who doesn't enjoy it (and, you know, not cheat, etc.)

Trust and strong communication skills are essential to healthy relationships.

I can actually bring up some recommended reading!
Nonviolent Communication and Taking the War Out of Our Words are both excellent books on clear and effective communication and I can't recommend them enough.

I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh, but your words were pretty harsh, too. In order to feel more secure in your connection to your partner, you're going to have to trust them enough to feel safe opening up to them.

I do hope this helps.

I'm an introvert & married an introvert. We're both in our 40's, been together for 3 beautiful years.

One of the things that helped us know the other was "the one" was the fact that we lowered our guard very quickly so the "getting to know you" initial stage flew by.

I've never been so comfortable with another human being in my life. Even knowing she was an introvert, I worried about "me time" when we moved in together and cobbled out an escape room quickly, but just as quickly I found I didn't need it as an escape, only for study when she's got the TV on.

We tend to be really chatty first thing in the evening as we catch each other up on our day but then it settles into quiet. She's an artist and I a full-time student so we enjoy the quiet. We just got back from a professional convention (mine) and it was an 8 1/2 hour drive each way. We probably only talked for maybe 2hrs each way (in brief spurts), the rest was passed with music or silence.

We know an author who writes about introversion and we were extensively interviewed for her latest book. I haven't seen the book yet (we'll be getting a copy soon) but its currently for sale on Amazon. This and "Quiet: The Power of Introverts" by Susan Cain are highly recommended.

Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After

The thing I've gotten the best at is listening. Because I've finally found a fellow introvert (more introverted than I am, actually) I've gotten better at quietly listening and asking questions than I ever have been. As others have said, it will require patience. As introverts are the minority, most of our dating experience tends to be with extroverts so we have to learn new relationship skills to date a fellow introvert.

Both of you will likely lower your guard and become more chatty when alone. That's what happened with us. When we're at a group gathering, we make minimal smalltalk and then escape. For brief periods each day, we're as chatty as extroverts, but only with each other.

I am finding it very challenging. Even thinking about times that I've felt anxious can make me feel anxious, and this method pretty much requires you to look at anxiety and dissect it. There's also substantial 'homework' in the form of one or two page worksheets where you try to identify the individual thoughts, feelings, behaviors, physiological symptoms (heart racing, tingling in extremities, tightness in the chest, and such).

I found a therapist that had some pretty impressive credentials on the internets, met with her and chose her out of the other ones I was checking out. Her assessment was to work on the social anxiety first since it is looking like my largest issue and to see what's left - she claims that often other problems like depression go away when you can handle your social anxiety. I agree with her, and am so far still impressed.

She started me almost immediately on a workbook she's used before titled Managing Social Anxiety. There are a couple of other social anxiety workbooks I've seen, but I'm focusing on this one first. And maybe last! I'm sure it's possible for someone to go through these sorts of workbooks alone, though I find the therapist really helps keep me honest - as in presenting to me things that I hadn't even realized I was avoiding.

The general idea for CBT (as far as I can tell, I'm no expert) is that you learn how to catch these thoughts and feelings and try to cast them in a more objective light to see if your reaction is reasonable. CBT can be effective for many other disorders, too.

I am hoping it will help.

I know most people will recommend that susan cain book, "Quiet" if you asked about something to be uplifting about introvertedness. However I would recommend the book Lincoln's Melancoly, by Joshua Shenk. It's a book which explores the personality/depression of Abraham Lincoln, and made me feel a lot better about being alone and following my own introvert tendencies. Plus you get to learn a fair amount about one of the great leaders of the US.


Here's the amazon page which probably has the ISBN if you want to find it at your local library.
http://www.amazon.com/Lincolns-Melancholy-Depression-Challenged-President/dp/0618773444

Self help books never did much for me. I personally think reading literature that is more challenging or out of your element is more useful for general self help.
Not really a self help book , but I'll plug Siddhartha by Herman Hesse here if you haven't read it. Did more for me than any self help book I researched.

If you are anything like my sister, you absolutely are overwhelming him. I mean that in a good way, because you're recognizing it. My sister has been fluff stressing me my whole life, and she's finally dating someone who doesn't know how to filter it like I do. I also have a lot of patience for her because I recognize my weakness in her strength... anyway...

She is reading this book as we speak. Maybe you will find it helpful too!

I'm pretty sure it was this one, written by Myers and Briggs who MBTI is named after

https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Differing-Understanding-Personality-Type/dp/089106074X

Extroversion is associated with reward-seeking behaviors, meaning more risk-taking. Depending various factors, this may or may not be advantageous for survival. :)

Daniel Nettle has a very well-researched book that goes into talking about this (as well as the other 4 of the big five personality traits): http://www.amazon.com/Personality-What-Makes-You-Way/dp/0199211434/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1407569635&sr=8-1&keywords=personality

Or for something shorter and scholarly, here's his paper on The Evolution of Personality Variation: http://www.academia.edu/449430/The_Evolution_of_Personality_Variation_In_Humans_and_Other_Animals

Check out this book:

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life.

Lots of answers for the kind of problems you face with your mother.

Way station

Mindbridge

Blood Music

[Chickenhawk](http://en.wikipedia.org /wiki/Chickenhawk_%28book%29)

Farmer Boy

I am on a really big Frank Zappa kick right now. I just finished his autobiography and was enraptured with how he viewed the world and music and I started to really get into his music.

Carl Jung was considered an introvert and wrote an autobiography. He also coined the terms introversion and extroversion. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679723951/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

"Sooo...what made you agree to this?"

Also you might try these: The Book of Stupid Questions https://www.amazon.com/dp/0446389722/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_byAOCb54F2S84

Eheh...

I once read this book called Heat Wave by Eric Klinenberg. In it, he mentioned how the most vulnerable population during the catastrophic heat wave of Chicago in 1995 was elderly men. This was because women tend be in charge of social affairs in heterosexual marriages, and when older men widow they are less likely to make new friends or reach out to family members for help.

I'm in a very happy relationship with someone who is even more introverted than me (and also shy). I worry about being alone without him, because I would just be sad and miss him, but I worry more about him being alone without me, because I could totally see him falling into that vulnerable group.

Yes, seeing a therapist can definitely help.

I don't know about anxiety in general, but for understanding social anxiety I will heartily recommend this book.

Sadly and ironically it sounds like your dad forced you to live up to high social expectations, with the result that you became much more anxious about social interactions than normally. So he unintentionally caused the problem that he now accuses you of having.

Just always keep in mind, you are not responsible for what other people think of you. If people judge you negatively even though you've done nothing wrong, then that sucks for them - don't let it bother you.

Social anxiety is a bitch, but it is treatable; I've suffered from it myself for a while. If you have any questions, please ask. Otherwise, good luck man.