If you are new to Sex Addicts Anonymous or to /r/sexAA, if you think you might be suffering from a sexually based addiction, or if you just want to know more about our group... then we suggest reading this post and we hope that you will find something useful here.

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We, of SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other sex addicts precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. We think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the sex addict. Many do not comprehend that the sex addict is a very sick person. And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.

Paraphrased from Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to First Edition, xiii

Read: Why the Big Book of A.A.?


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1. No sex addict, man or woman, can be excluded from our Society; our leaders might serve but never govern; each group is to be autonomous and there is to be no professional class of therapy. There are to be no fees or dues; our expenses are to be met by our own voluntary contributions. There is to be the least possible organization, even in our service centers. Our public relations are to be based upon attraction rather than promotion. All members ought to be anonymous at the level of press, radio, TV and films. And in no circumstances should we give endorsements, make alliances, or enter public controversies.
   
   
2. /r/sexAA is not a place to meet sexual acting out partners and it is not group therapy. We try not to use offensive language, or descriptions that are too explicit. We avoid explicit sexual language, names, places, and websites we associated with our acting-out behavior. Because of the nature of our addiction, we take great care when sharing and we strive NOT to share any inappropriate content. Our focus remains on the SOLUTION rather than the problem. If you have any questions please message the mods.
   
   
3. As SAA members the most important symbol of our willingness is a Desire Chip. A Desire Chip signifies our desire to stop our addictive sexual behaviors for good and for all. Is there anyone here who would like to begin their journey to sobriety today? Click here to claim a Desire Chip.
   
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   Tips For Getting Started
   

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4. To better understand sex addiction and to help you qualify yourself, we highly recommend you read What Is Sex Addiction And How Can I Tell If I Have It?
   
   
5. Call into the Saturday SAA Foundation Telemeeting. This is held every Saturday from 10:00 am - 11:15 am EST. 605-562-3140 access code 215701#. This meeting will give you a great introduction to our program and will introduce you to the tried-and-true 12 Step method of recovery.
   
   
6. Read Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book --- [(Free Online Version)]
   (http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous) It contains the original 12 Step program upon which our entire fellowship is based. We have found that is it simple to replace "selfish sex" when we come across the word "alcohol." Or "sex addict" for "alcoholic." There are a few places in the book where we cannot translate the directions word-for-word so that it applies to our sex addiction. Even so, we believe there exists an important reason for working our SAA program as directed by suggestions in the Big Book.
   
   "Of alcoholics, who came to AA, and really tried, 50% got sober at once and remained that way; 25% sobered up after some relapses, and among the remainder, those who stayed on with AA showed improvement."
   
   This indicates a success rate at around 75% during the first 20 years of AA's existence when the Big Book was the only 12 Step book. Read more on Why the Big Book of AA?
   
   
7. We highly recommend you find a qualified "sponsor" and begin working the 12 Steps as soon as possible. Working all 12 Steps with a qualified sponsor is the basis of our program and our society and it is where we believe the path to permanent recovery exists.
   
   
8. All of our meetings are 100% free of charge. If the meeting is attended by recovered sex addicts who have worked the 12 Steps this can be a great place to find a sponsor.
   telemeetings
   in-person meetings
   
   
9. Define your bottom line behaviors and share them with your sponsor. For help on Defining Abstinence.
   
   
10. Many members have found it helpful to add a devotional book to their daily spiritual routine:
    Answers in the Heart
    Touchstones: A Book Of Daily Meditations For Men
    Twenty Four Hours a Day
    
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    ...for the SAA newcomer who identifies as atheist or agnostic.
    

    
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    ...Despite the living example of my friend there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified. I didn’t like the idea. I could go for such conceptions as Creative Intelligence, Universal Mind or Spirit of Nature but I resisted the thought of a Czar of the Heavens, however loving His sway might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way. My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?’’
    
    Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they might mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him [or Her]. Afterward, we found ourselves accepting many things which had seemed entirely out of reach. That was growth. But if we wished to grow we had to begin somewhere. So at first we used our own conceptions of God, however limited they were.
    
    
    Alcoholics Anonymous, p12, 47
    
    continue reading...
    
    To our atheist and agnostic brothers and sisters, please do not let the spiritual nature of the program deter you from giving it an honest chance. Almost half of the original one hundred members who wrote Alcoholics Anonymous identified as atheist or agnostic. Many of us who have entered the program were not spiritual people and yet we have found a lasting sense of peace and serenity through working the 12 Steps. We are happy, joyous, and free. We are recovered.
    
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    Sex addiction is not a hopeless or unrecoverable condition. Many sex addicts achieve life-long recovery with the help of this program. SAA is grounded in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. It is through the application of these fundamental tools that we, sex addicts, recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Sure thing!

Yes, I experienced the post-workout urges before also. Personally, I found it helpful to just MO in these situations, because it gets rid of the need to look at porn.

Church is a definitely a good place to find community, if you can find a good one. I personally think that the question "Why are we here?" is an important one that all of us should consider at some point. Personally, I believe that God created us for a loving relationship with himself, and others. Rick Warren does a good job elaborating on this in his book "What on Earth am I Here For?".

Another place you could look for to find community is Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Best of luck in your journey, my friend.

> The urge surfing recording is pretty good too. I think the key is that you have to keep doing something. Whenever I was bored and had nothing to do, I just defaulted to watching porn. Just fill your day with activities that are engaging. DON'T fill your day with stuff you know you won't do (for me it's reading, english class has ruined that for me lol) but do stuff you legitimately enjoy.

Hey man, you should try reading, there are men and women who spent like 35 years of wisdom in a field, and put their entire life's wisdom in a few pages. Schools ruined it for us but there are A LOT of books out there. Take for example Sam Walton, he made billions, richest man on Earth right? He wrote, on his deathbed, a book, and for like $7 on Amazon you can have the man's lifetime of wisdom.

https://www.amazon.com/Sam-Walton-Made-America/dp/0553562835/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1540042946&sr=8-3&keywords=made+in+america

Reading is AMAZING. All fields. I hope you keep an open mind. As soon as you close down and say "I know that" it's very dangerous, you go like blind.

First, let's take a deep breath in and smile :)

Have you considered getting therapy for porn addiction? I am about to start mine and feel excited about it.


> The lack of time.. to do anything. The lack of energy & waning motivation makes me an unreliable idiot to everyone around me. The need to develop the necessary skills for my career is simply postponed... deemed unnecessary by my addiction. The addiction has a brain of its own, has its own ulterior goals that heavily contradict where I want to be. That's the pathetic situation it gets me in.
>

You have really nice hobbies. I urge you to continue to do them.
Even I recently started reading (actually just listening to audio-books while traveling on the bus), and that has helped changed my outlook towards life. It has made me smarter, more enthusiastic, more introspective.

If you can find just 10 min/day, I highly recommend you to read the book Getting stuff done. Once you do that, I promise that you will have lot more time in life, and would be able to read more books like the power of habit, GTD etc..

And I must mention this podcast episode on motivation that changed my life.

Sorry for bombarding you with all these resources. If you find just one useful thing among all of this, then all this would have served its purpose.

It all starts with just a small step, so good luck!

Sexuality is actually pretty complex and the idea that people neatly fit into social categories like "heterosexual" and "homosexual" is quite strange if you think about and research the matter. I think you are making a lot of assumptions about what it feels or looks like to be bisexual (or have dual sexual attraction) and this is causing you a lot of confusion and obsession. The obsessive doubt and fear absolutely plays a major role in the gay or bisexual experience of being in the closet or not having fully come to terms with your self and desires.

I think what you should do is see a therapist or psychologist with a sex background. They will be able to provide you with information and evidence that will allow you to contextualize your thoughts and feelings. Part of it is probably related to the porn but part of it is likely not, and you will probably benefit from having things disentangled and laid out for you. I think what you're mainly suffering from right now is confusion due to lack of knowledge. I suggest you spend some time researching the biology and psychology of sexual attraction.

Here is a site I've found helpful:

An article you might find interesting or relatable: https://www.thecut.com/2017/02/how-straight-men-explain-their-same-sex-encounters.html

A really interesting book about internet porn and sexual desire: https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877

Google talk of aforementioned book: https://youtu.be/p-A8GvUehq4

I've read both of your posts and it's clear that you want the right thing for both yourself and your husband.

If I, or any of the other addicts here, had a magic phrase that you could tell your husband which would fix him, we'd all be cured. There's no easy, "this is what you should do" post.

For your husband: I suggest reading two books, neither of which are directly about porn addiction, but both of which were instrumental in my deciding to pursue recovery:

1. "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes. https://www.amazon.com/Heart-Addiction-Understanding-Alcoholism-Addictive/dp/0060958030/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488222927&sr=8-1&keywords=the+heart+of+addiction
   
2. 'I Don't Want to Talk About IT: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression' by Terrence Real. https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488222949&sr=8-1&keywords=i+don%27t+want+to+talk+about+it+terrence+real
   
   For you:
   
   If you aren't in therapy, get in therapy, the sooner the better. You cannot fix your husband; the sooner you figure that out and find a way to articulate what you need, better. You may think it's 100% his problem. That may be correct, but you've been damaged by it. You can't fix him; you may be able to help him when he's had enough, but your number one job is to make sure you remain an intact and functioning person.

This booked really helped me see how my past hurt was intertwined with my addictions; most prominently was porn ofcourse, but also obsessive gaming, smoking weed, binge watching shows.

There is a lot of information in there, some of which you will find relevant and some not.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041

It seems like a cheesy self help book but I assure you it isn't. It's very well informed. All the best.

Has only been about a month this streak, but during this time I've established the longest term goal I have: to be a good father. To some, this may sound trivial, but it is an enormous step in my life. I didn't have a father, and for most of my life I didn't think I would have children of my own because of that. I'm still many years away from that day (not married even) but this overarching umbrella goal enables me to set short term goals and reach those, which give me the dopamine I referred to in my post.

I'm a software developer by trade, so being a good father would involve being good at my job to provide stability. So, two goals I'm working towards today are: read 75 pages of this book daily

https://www.amazon.com/Code-Complete-Practical-Handbook-Construction/dp/0735619670

and finish all the free (no subscription required) practice problems here:

https://leetcode.com/problemset/all/

Another goal coming soon is: get to the gym 3 days per week. No progress on that goal yet; still at 0 per week :\^).

Quit Facebook. Quit Instagram. Sure as fuck works.

I've been porn-free since mid-October last year except for one relapse day. You know what triggered that 70-day-streak-breaking relapse? Someone posted a picture of themselves in a bikini on Facebook.

I'm on my second longest streak now. I know now that facebook and instagram can lead to relapses and can lead to dopamine fixes that harm my recovery processes. Even after quitting facebook, you still have to face media or pictures everywhere on earth that may have nsfw or triggering content. The solution? Avert your eyes. Whenever you feel you're doing something for a dopamine rush, be mindful of that and be honest to yourself that that's why you're doing it. Once you're mindful, you'll automatically stop looking. It'll take some practice, but you'll get there.

Another thing that I read on a quit-facebook forum is that once you actively filter out the shit and noise on your facebook feed, it becomes really empty and really boring and you'll quit on your own because there's no constant novelty and click-bait. Maybe that'll help you abstain or even quit, should you choose to. Also, Read this book. It's an amazing read about internet addiction and how its affecting our cognition.

I'm in the same boat, trying to quit porn and alcohol at the same time. I find Annie Grace's book 'This naked mind' super helpful with the alcohol side:

https://www.amazon.com/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness/dp/0525537236

Checking in and going strong. Also, currently reading and implementing practices from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach-an excellent book on overcoming shame, guilt, and self worth issues https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990

I have had the same problem where I don't last long. I have started with longer amounts of foreplay. If I am going it and feel like i'm going to cum I will slow down or go back to a bit of foreplay. I read a great book called slow sex, which talks a lot about how people are having fast food sex as I call it, When we were teenagers we had to get in and get it done, for fear that we would get caught. No that we are older most people still have sex like that. Try and slow things down. I will list the book below you can get it on amazon.

And tell your hubby good job on the 7 months that's incredible!

https://www.amazon.com/Slow-Sex-Craft-Female-Orgasm/dp/0446567183

by Nicole Daedone

If you wanted, you could try taking a look at The Partner's 20 Minute Guide. You can read the whole thing online. If you want to read more, the authors of that guide have also written a book entitled Beyond Addiction.

I'd also be curious to know:

A) which drugs you like (excluding weed),

B) and which ones she likes (excluding weed),

C) and whether or not there are any co-occurring psychological issues (e.g. anxiety, depression, others).

Hey, I study fetishism full-time, recently published a book about the psychology behind the cuckold fetish (and how to change), and run a website with the same aim. A lot of what you're saying is true, and I thought I'd elaborate and hopefully help someone in need of this.

>I believe that starts with self hatred and inadequacy

Yes. The cuckold fetish forms as a way to eroticize deep-rooted fears of inadequacy. By creating a scenario where you are made to feel as inadequate as possible, the brain turns this pain into pleasure as a masochistic defense mechanism. It forms around bad feelings about yourself; fears of not being good enough, and fears of infidelity.

>I strongly belive that our culture's obsession with pornography has artificially increased the popularity of these genres.

Porn addiction and the cuckold fetish share a root cause - bad feelings about yourself. That's actually the root cause of most addictions. Porn becomes a way to escape from those feelings, or to 'release' them - indulge in fleeting pleasure at the expense of the long term.

They're also both ways to deal with unmet needs, for acceptance, love, belonging, and more.


>The male instigator of the fetish is often hurt too! I couldn't count how many times I saw someone say "I think I made a massive mistake". It turns out this bizarre fetish, when actualised, made them feel absolutely awful.

YES! This is the most heartbreaking thing. I get emails like this and often hear from women who are looking for a solution for their husbands fetish. The fears and emotional pain that the cuckold fetish eroticizes is the idea that their girlfriend/wife secretly wants to have sex with someone else; that they're secretly very promiscuous and longing for a bigger, better man.

These fears and feelings are also created by porn. Porn can change your world view, to see women as sex objects, not as people but as things that other men have had sex with and will have sex with, and generally to focus on everything sexual at the expense of everything else. As I noted in a blog post: An evaluation of the effects of porn found that: “Changes include diminished trust in intimate partners, the abandonment of hopes for sexual exclusivity with partners, [and] evaluation of promiscuity as the natural state... Cynical attitudes about love emerge.”

These cynical attitudes are the pain that the fetish eroticizes. Porn creates the fuel for the fire.

In these ways, porn can contribute to the cause of the cuckold fetish. But, it doesn't directly cause a cuckold fetish - that's still caused by subconscious fears/feelings of inadequacy. Stopping watching porn also doesn't change the fetish, which is a common myth i see - it just re-sensitises you to 'normal', more softcore things.

> I don’t want to replace one thing with another.

I don't either - I've done enough of that. We need to face into those things that cause us pain, until they get past us. Weed and porn turn us away from them, distracting us from them.

"Rather than letting impermanence do its job, we block the passing of the pain. We often do this through suppression, avoidance, ignoring, and self-medicating, or by hardening the heart and shutting out life. But when we sober up, the pain is still there waiting to be felt. Some have been successful in suppressing and denying the pain in their lives for long periods of time, but the dam will always burst eventually. And there is nothing more painful than a lifetime of suppressed pain flooding through all at once." -- Noah Levine

I just know the number one trigger of my depression is having an erratic sleep schedule. When I'm not sleeping regularly, I feel lethargic, lack motivation, my willpower is much lower, and my self-talk is very negative. Correcting my sleep schedule inevitably corrects those behaviours as well.

I learned this after reading a book called The Power of Full Engagement, a productivity book that accidentally became the biggest help in dealing with my depression.