Reddit reviews A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship

You say you realise this is the path to resentment and anger, but even so the option is very attractive to a lot of people, to 'prove a point' (as can be seen in the comments is done by more people). The fact that you are considering to use such a tactic says nothing about your sex life, and everything about your communicative skills as a couple.


Let me give an example that might show how incredibly ridiculous the plan is:

You come home one night to find your SO angry. She is furious because you forgot to shine her shoes for half a year. You're dumbfounded. Why would you be responsible for the shine on her shoes? You never even considered she wanted you to shine her shoes! At first you're angry, she expected you to be telepathic and understand her needs without hearing them from her. Eventually, you have a civil discussion and realise she really wants you to shine her shoes.

As you love your SO, you want to accomodate her needs. You want her to be happy. So you do your best to shine her shoes as often as you can. Unfortunately, shoeshine is expensive, you work long hours, you're a tad forgetful (because who isn't when they're busy doing other things?) and your shoeshining technique isn't quite up to par. But you do your best.

Alas, your SO doesn't agree. She wants her shoes to be shined daily. She realises that you can't do it on a daily basis, but at least you could do it every other day! So, you try again, but as shoeshining is just not really your thing (it is a lot of work after all), it is hard to get yourself to do it. You get into fights about it more often, because your SO is hurt that you're not shining her shoes as often as she needs. Meanwhile, this adds to the pressure: No matter how much you shine her shoes, it will never be as much as she may like. You can never live up to her expectations.

And it all started, because she expects something from you without communicating what shoeshining is like for you. She assumed your needs were equal to her needs. Even after talking it through, her needs dominated the discussion.


I realise this is a ridiculous example, but this is the exact process I see in /r/deadbedrooms, time and time again. In fact, I have been guilty of this myself as my drive is higher than my SO's. The burden regarding any kind of dissatisfaction in a relationship can not be placed on either her alone (by demanding that she fulfills your needs), or on you alone (by not having your needs fulfilled). Only through communication, compromise, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears (well, hopefully not tears.. or blood..) from both of you.


These predicaments happen in all long-term relationships. Sometimes they are concerned with sex, sometimes they are concerned with something else entirely. This is the part where everyone in a long-term relationship claims that it is hard work. Because it is exactly this issue that is hard work.


I would like to point out that some people are helped incredibly by couple counselling. There are also a number of books I would recommend if councelling is not an option. For any of these books it is important that both partners read them and go through the exercises. Like I said, you have to do this together. The first book that gives a number of couples a lot of understanding of eachother is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaplin. The book is concerned with trying to get to know eachothers needs and how to talk about them. Another book that is relevant in any relationship with low sexual activity is A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie Mintz. Don't let the title of the book fool you, while directed at women it is actually a tool for regaining a sex drive in a relationship. It is as applicable to men as women, but overall it's a couple's tool.


I sincerely hope you, and others, do not choose the path of resentment. It is very rare to be compatible in every way with a SO. In this relationship it may be sex, but in another it may be something else entirely (not having the same amount of need to go out of the house, for example). Needs never completely match, so it takes work from both sides to make eachother happy.

I feel like they used to use this to diagnose women with a disorder when its a natural response to monogamy and/or monotony. A recent issue of psychology today talked about it, but I can't find the article I'm thinking of. I found a similar one that came out earlier. It talks about the drug Addyi and its long path to FDA approval.

"Opponents also pointed out that 'female hypoactive sexual desire disorder' no longer reflects sexological thinking. In men, desire precedes sex. Men want sex and go after it. Until recently, sexologists assumed the same was true for women. However, over the last 20 years, considerable research has shown that many, perhaps most women engage in sex for reasons other than desire, notably to affirm the relationship. These women often experience desire as the result of enjoyable sex. In other words, in men, desire leads to sex while in many women, sex leads to desire. This means that chemically piquing desire in women puts the erotic cart before the horse. The latest edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) reflects this conceptual evolution. It no longer lists female hypoactive sexual desire disorder as a discreet ailment."

They recommend only resorting to Addyi after trying self-help or working with a sex-therapist who will:

• "Promote positive feelings about self and sex.

• Mediate the relationship conflicts low libido typically engenders.

• Urge scheduled sex, not waiting for 'the mood' to strike.

• Encourage a more sensual, leisurely, playful approach to lovemaking.

• And offer suggestions to keep sex fresh, for example, sex toys and mutual whole-body massage."

They also point out research comparing Addyi to other interventions, concluding: "Self-help works. Researchers surveyed 45 women complaining of low libido. Half worked through the program in A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex (2009) by Laurie B. Mintz, Ph.D.. Among those who did not use the program, 5 percent reported increased desire, but among those who did, desire increased in 54 percent—results much better than treatment with Addyi." Whereas "Only 10 to 20 percent of Addyi users reported any libido increase, and women taking Addyi reported only a slight increase in satisfying sex, at most one additional interlude per month." Not to mention the side effects like dizziness and sedation that get worse when you take birth control or drink.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201510/desire-in-pill-women-low-libido

They don't mention adding new sexual partners to keep sex fresh; in my experience that can help, but it's also difficult to juggle more than one partner effectively.

I'm not intending to put a damper on your mood after you expressed finding a new source of hope. Learning about the differences in men and women's sexuality has helped me accept myself instead of thinking I was defective, and that's where I began to have hope again. I'm still not where I'd like to be, but at least now I feel like there are empowering tools within reach.