Reddit reviews Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

This can be so hard! I’m truly sorry you’re experiencing it. As for advice, I struggled with this for years until I really took some time to learn about my body and how everything actually works down there and up top! Meaning my brain, because that’s most of it. I highly recommend Emily Nagoski’s “Come As You Are” book if you’re into some self-education as a potential solution and guide. I hope it helps!

Come As You Are

So... I was that guy.

It's somewhat painful to think about how much of a lazy ass-hat I was. I went through several relationships, roommates, jobs, and residences before eventually getting my shit together. Even now (in my 30s), I haven't fully shaken off the 1.0 Beta Version of myself.

I'm not sure what 18 year old me needed to kick my ass into shape, but I can tell you this: no one can change you but yourself. You're not going to be able to change him. He needs to value hustle and grit and tenacity. If you care about him, leave him. He is not in a good place to be in a relationship. His relationships are likely based on the ease and convenience of those relationships. For example, his parents giving him money when he could get a job, you travelling to him, living at home; these are all out of convenience. Ask yourself about his friendships and how he interacts with people. How convenient/easy/effortless are his relationships?

This dude needs to learn that working for things is important. Effort is important. If he wanted you, he would do the work necessary to keep you. His laziness likely stems from fear of failure and fear of success, as well as his parents coddling him.

Leave him, but might I suggest, you also leave him with some suggested reading material:

Grit by Angela Duckworth

7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Outliers, The Tipping Point, Blink, David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell

Last, but certainly not least: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski - This one isn't so much for him as it is for anyone he dates in the future. This book discusses female sexuality, anatomy, and sex drive. It has helped me get laid with the wife a BUNCH.

I don't know if it is just growing up and maturing, but I can not emphasize enough how much these books have changed my life. These books have kicked me in the ass and made me a better man. My wife also played a major role in kicking my ass into gear, but we got married young and we were basically forced to make it work if we didn't want to get divorced, so I do not suggest staying with him to "fix him". He's got a ton of work to do on himself. You seem like you've got your shit well enough together, so don't tie yourself to a weight that heavy. It will hold you back and drag you down. It will get worse before it gets better. You can absolutely find someone who makes you happy and who contributes to the relationship. I've been married for 11 years, with 4 kids, and both my wife and I are pursuing our passions (I also happen to be a musician/creative type), while holding down full time jobs. We are madly in love, she is my best friend, and I am forever grateful for the work she put in to help me along.

Hell, just have him read this:

Bruh. I was you. Things seem to take so much effort, don't they? You probably have visions of yourself making music for a living, right? Record deals, and stage lights, and recording in fancy studios, right? Well, guess what? It's absolutely possible to make that happen. But you need to work for it. If something is worth wanting, it is worth working for. If you aren't really working for it, do you really want it? You need to make small steps toward an ultimate goal that you want to pursue and stick to it. By 28 years old, you could have a record deal. You could be touring. You could win a Grammy. I'm not kidding. You could if you hit the ground hard, right now, and start kicking your own ass. Get up and move or you're going to be in your 30's just starting to pursue your passions and you'll feel like you've wasted so much goddamn time.

I wish you both the best of luck. I hope this helps.

Someone has already pointed out r/secondary_survivors for you, which might be of help. Just be sure to remember that your wife obviously needs to be comfortable and make her own progress, on her own terms. It's not something that can be forced. Your heart seems to be in the right place.

I think there are many things to talk about with posts like this, but trying to keep on your topic of moving forward in intimacy. It might be helpful for both of you to read or listen to the book Come As You Are , which I believe can be of value to both partners. It covers intimacy in a loving relationship, but goes well beyond in my opinion. Chapter 6 specifically covers the topic of rape and sexual assault effects and moving forward in the context of relationship intimacy and healing. It's not a replacement for counseling by any means, but I do believe it's helpful enough in this context for both yourself and your partner. Specific additional self help resources are also pointed out in the book if she's interested in more help but still doesn't want to peruse a therapist.

​

Best of luck to you both.