Reddit reviews Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts
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Welp you're gonna get novel so sorry in advance. Your post reminds me a lot of what I was going through two years ago. I'm not really an expert here or anything and I am absolutely still a work in progress, but if it helps, here's my story:
When I was 26 I really hated myself at 295lbs. I also struggle with anxiety and bipolar II which made everything worse. I live alone in a new city where I don't know anyone, and most of my coworkers at my high-stress job don't really care for me. Anyway lots of nights crying on my hallway floor. I'd never really been in good shape and the last person I dated was (at that time) like eight years ago. I didn't and still don't believe I'll find anyone for me, but I'm slowly crawling out of this bullshit net of worthlessness and Keto is kinda what did it for me.
In fact, my blood pressure was what got me dieting! I was visiting family and they had a home pressure checker. The armband was the wrong size so it gave me a ridiculous BP, I don't even remember it but my mom freaked out when she saw. I did too. I chose keto because the internet said so lol.
I think the turning point was figuring out the real problem wasn't the number on the scale, or even any progress at all. It was my mindset. I hate myself in a pretty fundamental way (thanks depression!) and things didn't start changing for my diet until I could reframe the problem - it was no longer "you need to starve yourself" anymore, it was "let's get into cooking!"; it was no longer "stop playing videogames and go to the gym", it was "let's try a new hobby and go for a run."
Consider treating it like a hobby, I think you'll find that it makes you feel more capable. idk about you but every time I've tried to lose weight I get overwhelmed and end up binging on ice cream or pizza... who am I kidding I always binged on both.
Anyway, I had a coworker who was trying to learn to play bass (I'm a musician and it's kinda the only thing I have going for me), and he was telling me about how frustrated he was that he didn't take it seriously. I said something like "It's ok to have a hobby, even if you're still learning! I'm actually taking up running and-" he left the room before I could finish the sentence. See, at that point I weighed probably 260 and he didn't know how to respond respectfully to the idea of me running. That moment stuck with me too.
I do have a lot of low-key hobbies but usually when I do something I put a lot of my self-worth into it, so I need to do the best I possibly can. It crushed me that I thought of myself as a runner, but I was so far off from what I wanted.
I think what matters most is defining what success looks like before you start, and then committing fully once you're ready. I spent so long thinking that success meant a number. But with time, I learned that it was about my actions, not the results. I figured out that the pain I feel (emotional and otherwise) from downing Ben & Jerry was way worse than the pain of going to the gym or buying diet food at the grocery store. The former situation was sad because I was embarrassed of the act, but the latter was only embarrassing because I felt I didn't belong.
I think that's how I got into running, actually - it was easier to believe I belonged when I could keep my journey private, and running outside at night was way easier than dealing with nerves at the gym. I'd run by an old pizza place and smell that beautiful golden circle of happiness each time, but I'd think "most people are watching a football game with pizza right now. I'm here on the pavement. That's what matters." It was at least enough to get me through the workout each time.
Everyone has brain-reasons for getting stuck with their goals. Some get overwhelmed, some get depressed, some just don't take their diet seriously. For me, it was that I had trouble managing multiple new obligations. I fucking hate macros. Don't give me 400 things to manage every day, I need something simple and I need something to tell me what to do. I got the StrongLifts app, started running (shoutout to /r/C25K btw) and began following a keto meal plan I found online. I put it all in a calendar and set up alarms to tell me when to eat, exercise, sleep etc. I think it's worthwhile to be honest about what motivates you, and what pulls you away from what you want out of yourself.
Now, I'm just a stranger on the internet who has no business telling you about yourself, but based on your post I got the impression you may be eating to self-sooth. I know some folks who do that and many of them worked with a therapist to find other methods to feel better. When you can solve that piece of it - the mental part - you'll find yourself feeling more resilient and less likely to randomly buy the carby foods. I'm not a psychologist either but the book that helped me a lot was called Emotional First-Aid by Guy Winch.
From there, you just have to trust the process and keep doing all the boring stuff no one wants to do. Even though most people would tell you to start right away, I think it's a good idea to take the time you need until you feel 'ready' to start dieting, because once you commit you need to believe you're going to do it forever. Period. Make a plan with a specific start date and force yourself to stick to it. Prepare in advance - if you get used to only cooking for yourself (it's a fun hobby!) then all you have to do is buy the right foods when you go to the grocery store.
At one point I wrote a bunch of promises on a piece of paper. I lost it but it went something like this:
So what did all of this do for me? Here comes the inspiring part, hopefully. It took a serious commitment every day for two years, but I lost 110 pounds. I started to see my cheekbones. I got compliments at work. It was fun to visit old friends and see their surprise. I bought smaller clothes, and then I had to buy even smaller clothes because the new skinny jeans became the old baggy jeans. I gained a new hobby in running, and if you can believe it I just ran a marathon last week. I still run like a fuckin overweight giraffe in a snowstorm or whatever but at least I'm doing something for my health - In a way, the only right thing to do is something.
We're people. Everyone has different strengths and weakness, and I'm sure there's something about you that you can use to your advantage. For me, it was self-hate. When I got frustrated and hit a depression cycle I'd use the darkness to fuel my discipline. I had a coworker who wasn't afraid to be open about how fat he felt (whereas I'd be too embarrassed to talk about my weight), so he found help from others in a support group. I knew people who really get into macros and treat it like a D&D character sheet lol. Whatever it takes for you to get there - like I said earlier, it's all valid.
I still hate myself and I still don't think I'll ever be happy and I still have a shitty job and I still don't believe I'll find someone and I even still cry alone sometimes. But I also know I'm going to get thin. I started a freight train and after two years I know I can't stop it anymore. So I guess the moral of my story here is that weight loss definitely won't solve all your problems, but it will make them easier for you. It'll also put more years in your life, so you have more time to find what you really want.
tl;dr - For some, weight loss is not a diet problem, but a psychological problem. Do what works for you and never give up.
Edit: Spelling and grammar.
One of my favorite TED talks is called Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch.
His book, which has the same name, helped me tremendously. The exercises at the end of each chapter take time to do, but I found that committing to doing them regularly really improved my quality of life and my self esteem. Best of luck, OP!
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-First-Aid-Rejection-Everyday/dp/0142181072
Ele da dicas de como lidar com Rejeição, Solidão, Baixa autoestima, etc. Muitas vezes é tudo coisa da sua cabeça, autosabotagem. A forma como você se vê, muitas vezes não é a forma como os outros lhe enxergam.
If you want a book recommendation that goes into this sort of thing more, I'd highly recommend Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch, it's very down-to-earth and practical and there's a whole chapter on rumination (or "picking at emotional scabs" as he calls it).
Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts https://www.amazon.com/dp/0142181072/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_6NLACbA98G27R... was recommend by this pretty smart TedEd youtuber: https://youtu.be/kB-dJaCXAxA
Hi friend. This book has amazing advise for that. I would write advise myself, but seriously it's amazingly explained there. Just look it up! they have a chapter about this (you don't have to read the whole book).