Reddit reviews The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
We found 7 Reddit comments about The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
yes, but no.
this is my story
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/08/my-life-in-sex-we-tell-each-other-everything-about-our-sex-with-other-people
no, there is no way to cope. - on your own.
no, there is no way to adjust. - on your own.
there is a chance - a slim one - that you both restart your relationship in a new way.
but if he cheated on you - and now wants a free pass with opening the relationship so everything is fine - then no, that is most likely not going to happen.
read https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583 if you want to read how other couples handled this
YES YES you WBTHA, or YTA. DO not drag them into this life shattering reality. YOU are grieving and no doubt feel angry everytime someone says something positive, because you feel like the floor has been ripped out from underneath you. DO not tell your children about this. PLEASE find a trusted counselor to talk to about this.
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Esther Perel has a great chapter in her book on this same situation, except it was the wife who found out after her husband died after 50 or so years of marriage. He actually had a second life.
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Heres a link to that book if interested, but do get a therapist now to help safely walk thru the emotions.
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https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583
I don't trust people who make exaggerated claims like "I will never put her through that again" and "I hate myself everyday for doing it" and "I will never do it again." I would ask you to reflect on how you can improve yourself.
If you want to regain trust then you must build emotional intimacy and put real effort into learning more about infidelity and communication. Take action by planning dates, but more importantly play games that build intimacy such as the Ungame and Face to Face.
If you are committed to working through this as you claim then you should be expected to read books that will improve your relationship skills.
• Fidelity: How to Create a Loving Relationship That Lasts
• The Art of Communicating
• I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
Might want to read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583
It might give you some perspective on your situation.
NP. Episode 1 is relevant "S1 Ep. 1: I've Had Better" also if you like the podcast she has a new book called "The State of Affairs" which you might be interested in: https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583/ref=sr_1_1/130-2798782-1806409
Been reading a lot on this topic and quite frankly telling someone isn't always a good option. Most of the times it only serves the one who is confessing his betrayal, because it is relieving them from the guilt. It's usually more motivated by self-interest than love or compassion, you're just passing the hurt on. There are a lot of couple therapists who suggest to keep it for yourself if it is a one time thing. You can also check out this book.
I suggest you don't tell her but really think about why you cheated on her the first place and be honest with yourself. If you did it because you feel you're missing something in the relationship then try to change that part in your relationship or come to terms with the fact that you are not entirely happy. Ask yourself if you are in love with someone else, or if your partner is the one for you. And then make a decision. Sometimes a ONS / kiss is a dealbreaker, sometimes it's not, but only a symptom. Make sure you learn from that experience and act on it. Either improve your relationship or leave.
This is heartbreaking. If you want a different perspective check out Esther Perel. One of her quotations is something like: everyone has multiple marriages in their life. With some, it’s to the same person and with others they find someone new. She talks a lot about curiosity and empathy. I highly recommend her perspective.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/
Esther Perel: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798?mt=2
https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583/ref=nodl_
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/03/esther_perel_on_affairs_spouses_in_happy_marriages_cheat_and_americans_don.html
Edit: clarity