Reddit reviews Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness

I am a marriage and family therapist and I am also a person who uses a motorized wheelchair.

This book was recommended to me by a friend and it really is a great resource for people trying to figure out the ins and outs (haha) of sex and disability, especially if it's something a person has not encountered before.

The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness https://www.amazon.com/dp/1573443042/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9v7QDbH49SAQ0

I started using a wheelchair as a fairly young child, so I was already intimately familiar with my disability by the time I was outwardly expressing my sexual identity, and I was fortunate enough to have open minded partners to explore ability and preference with.

To OP, disability does not necessarily have to mean the end of your plans and dreams for and with one another, especially if you love her as much as you seem to. Find a couples therapist or a therapist with experience with disabilities, and make it a point to go together. It may really help you two figure out if and how you can make your relationship work under these unexpected circumstances.

There's nothing wrong with being afraid of a situation you never foresaw for yourself, but be honest with your partner and yourself, and keep communicating honestly with eachother about your thoughts, fears, and needs through this. If you can turn toward one another instead of away, you may find that you are able to grow and change in truly wonderful and fulfilling ways.

If not, it's sad, but then it is best to let it go. It's unfair for both of you if you choose to stay out of a sense of pity or obligation and not because you truly love her and want to stay despite this change in expectations.

Hey OP! You and your girlfriend might check out a book called "The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness." After I was disabled and trying to figure out how intimacy might work, it really helped me out.

Know that there are also assistive devices that might be able to help.

I'm not sure whether she has a spinal cord injury, but here are a few other links that might help.

https://icsny.org/from-injury-to-intimacy/

https://www.sexualitysci.org/

https://www.christopherreeve.org/living-with-paralysis/health/sexual-health/sexual-health-for-women

HUGS! I'm right there w you! Positional fixes help loads, such as pillows, wedges and braces. But TBH giving blowjobs frequently subluxs my jaw and it can be a bit difficult for us both, frustration wise :(

This may be helpful - The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability
https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Sex-Disability-Disabilities/dp/1573443042

I have a mild form of CP in my legs. I'm male and 26 now so I'm going to try and give you a summary of all the major points I think both she and you'll need to know.

For physical or other therapy, push her but realize she may have times when she doesn't like it because its painful and she may resent he's the only one who has to do the extra work. Even at early age fitting in starts to be important. Bribery is your ally here. 10 minutes of stretches per night for a week and she gets a sticker every night, 10 stickers and she gets to go to McDonalds or something.

She may have a time when she gets resentful of her disability, a "why me" phase, especially when she has a twin without CP. It's hard to predict but she may lash out at you two and/or her sister in those times, depressed and angry. Or maybe they'll be super close and her sister is supportive so she won't be as upset about being the twin with a disability.

I never had surgery but I did do casting a few summers. Long-term I'd say it helped somewhat but as a kid all you see is not being able to play as much...and the embarrassment of sponge bathes because you can't shower with the casts on (those waterproof covers are crap, I had to redo a week the first and only time I tried one). Wore AFOs until I was about 17 which I think did help.

I had Botox injections too, they hurt like hell and it'll be hard on all of you for her to be in pain but it goes away in less then 20 minutes.

Now some downsides. As he gets older she'll likely have a period where she resents her disability, including therapy. Fitting in becomes important. Therapist, Doctors etc. are good people who dedicate their careers to helping you. But I realized CP has no cure; all these people career's are to help me 'as best they can'; the unspoken message there is I'll never have legs good enough as everyone else-I am still lesser. I'm better then I was now but I won't lie, age 12 was a hellish time for me. Again, comparison to her sister might be an issue. She may feel unfairly ripped off from having a "normal" body.

My parents raised me as nothing special, and I'm grateful for that. But I was forced to use a Walker at school for 6 and a half years starting at age 12. The main reason I was given is it'd help me in crowded hallways. Not even a teenager yet and I looked like a senior. That was 6 and half years of misery everyday, it cleared the halls but also of most people my age-kids that are different don't always have the best time. If she needs mobility equipment start her on it NOW, it'll spare her the harsh transition I had. I dropped the Walker as soon as I finished high school and haven't touched it since.

Be cautious of disability groups; finding people like you to talk with can be great. But I resented them as a kid I never found anyone my age and level of disability, the stress of stares of us in a group increased when I wanted people to look at me less often. And I resented the only reason we were put together is because of what was wrong with us. She might be more open to it but if she's not don't force any of those disability day trips on her.

She might be into disabled sports and make friends that way, I wasn't because I couldn't play the 'real' sports with the regular kids at my school, I felt like disability sports were 2nd rate (look at media coverage of Paralympics to regular Olympics to see my point); but if you start her early and nudge her early on she might make bonds with other kids like her that way. Again, a different sports team then her sister might seem weird to them both but maybe they can adjust early on.

When she's old enough that her friends are getting paper routes, start her volunteering. It'll be a lot easier on her for first jobs that way, getting experience. Personally I'd say not with a disability organization as you don't want the first thing on her resume to be the disability (ableist bias is real). A pet shelter, a YMCA, something where she'll get workplace tasks to complete and feel like she has a shot of being hired.

Far future planning: Think about transit options now. Can she get around daily for work, grocery shopping and meeting friends with wheelchair buses regularly? Does she need hand controls to drive a car? Research how to get those in your area now so you know what to do both practically and financially when the time comes. Driving school for me was almost 2 years of red tape and $5000 before car and insurance.

This last one is the most complex...relationships. There's only so much anyone will listen too from their parents on love and sex and I can guarantee the public school sex ed does not help with this. The Walker really killed my self-esteem and it taken me years to self-heal and feel like I'm not bottom of the barrel. Even a lot of therapists don't give advice on this topic. But I will just say The Ultimate Guide to Sexuality and Disability book by Corey Silverberg and 2 other educators was great for me. Get a copy and check it yourselves. When the time is right maybe even give it to a therapist to give to her if she brings up questions like that. Its too much for a 12 year old but knowing I am a valuable partner and can have a good sex/love life then would have really helped. I'm going to leave two videos here as well. Just so you know what she'll face.
https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Sex-Disability-Disabilities/dp/1573443042/ref=dp_ob_image_bk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PwvGfs6Pok

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K9Gg164Bsw

Hope it helped, any questions or whatever just ask.

Hey man, I'm a paraplegic and I would recommend this book. Don't let fear stand in the way - if there's one thing all crips have in common is that they're very resourceful and they find alternate ways to perform tasks that everyone else does.

Any girl that cares about you will absolutely have the patience to work with you and figure out what you like, what you can do, and what you can do for her. It will be frustrating, happy, sad, and joyful - much like life itself.

So I'm the person that's disabled but spend all of my time coordinating caregivers to the point that I am basically my own caregiver. I'm in this subreddit for support with dealing with my own care. But I don't have that kind of connection to this post, so please let me know if you feel my reply is out of place. I'm happy to delete.

There's a really lovely book called The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. It has sections where it talks about how to work around energy in terms of sex and to work with moods and different physical needs. I'm disabled with a disability that affects my energy - I'm often too tired to sit up or drink water. And for several years had no sex drive. My partner and I have managed to work around my disability and find adaptive ways to have sex. For us that often means planning out days and times that we might have sex so I can rest up, putting lots of rests into both the foreplay and the sex itself, using pillows to make things easier and finding positions that work for both of us. And if we can't have sex (sometimes I have prolonged infections that interfere), we work on lots of other ways to be sexy together.

There's a Guide to Sex & Disability that might offer some positionary ideas...

I agree with much of what /u/mib5799 /u/brielleboo and /u/shakeit4mebaby have said. I was born with Cerebral Palsy in my legs. I've done a lot of research on this for myself in the past few months. Here are some resources I think you should see:

The question/problems of online dating and when to disclose your disability: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/21/disabled-dating-tinder-sex-wheelchair-romance?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

What its like to try and date, plus the psychological aspects of it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PwvGfs6Pok

How even "positive" stereotypes are condescending (indirectly contributing to the idea we need protection and can't handle adult things like sex); https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxrS7-I_sMQ

A woman very similar to me, same level of CP, grew up the same. A friend of mine as of recently: http://www.autostraddle.com/know-me-where-it-hurts-kink-cerebral-palsy-226077/

Some reading material, got this when I was 17, really healed my self-image after feeling like shit for 6 and a half years: http://www.amazon.com/The-Ultimate-Guide-Sex-Disability/dp/1573443042

It's not our conditions that are the biggest barrier. Its the fact we aren't considered viable partners that can even do it, let alone do it well or even gasp kinky. While medical and parental support could be better, sex isn't something a lot of people like to discuss with family. Doctor's are dedicated to "fixing" your body, subconsciously saying its broken and therefore ugly and wrong.

We need more access to neutral resources like the ones I've dug for myself. Also media, representation. In all of Peak TV in the US in 2015, their were 8 characters with disabilities in all shows. Some with invisible conditions so easy for the writers to sweep under the rug if they want. I'm sure you know of/can find stories of closeted people finding joy in watching a gay couple on screen. Especially for teenage viewers. Someone like that could have helped me immensely. I sort of got my wish last night, Daniel Sousa and Peggy Carter finally got together! Sousa uses crutches after a WWII injury and any show that lets someone sort of like me make out with Hayley Atwell is a win in my book.

Reply or PM for more if you want.

There's a TON of literature and writing about the sexuality of disabled people. A lot of people recommend "The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability" and here's a short documentary on Vimeo.

This is just a sampling; a Google search on sex and disability will yield hundreds of results.

I'd say as long as everything is consensual and no one is being fetishized in a way that they dislike, it's all good.

Have you read this book and if so do you have opinions on it you'd like to share? It's been on my list to buy for ages and I'm finally getting it soon! (I'm also young-ish [25] and disabled)

I’m afraid that all I could do was a cursory internet search, which I’m sure you’ve already done. Nonetheless, I’ll post anyway.

On sex and spina bifida for women, includes tips on sensory work, and possible positions. It also recommends this book for more detailed help.

Many of the sites I visited seem to suggest switching focus from the orgasm to more easily obtainable acts of sexual pleasure. I know that’s not what you’re after, OP, but that’s kinda what Google served me.

I don’t know anyone who has had their uterus lifted, but if pain is an issue, I guess it would help, though I’m wondering if there are positions that can be used to reduce the impact on you.