Reddit reviews Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men

I'm going to say this as delicately as possible, knowing that you're probably not ready to hear it.

What is going on is emotional abuse.

I fully understand that he is not a monster. Abusers rarely are, despite how people talk about them. They are usually fun, charming, witty, caring, and vulnerable. The key is that these are all tools that they use to draw you in.

Then they flip the switch. They set goalposts, and then move them when you comply (such as the snuggling.) They pull up old fights so that when you argue about something, you inevitably find yourself defending something you may not even remember doing, and probably didn't intend to do. They haggle over your meaning, insisting that you said something and not taking your explanations for answers. They try to keep you from spending time with friends, often through expressing jealousy.

They do all of this to keep you on eggshells. If you never know what you expect, you are more compliant to their demands. They can keep you off base, and thereby ensure that you will do what they want.

If you want to learn more, you can start with "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can listen for free with an Audible trial. You can also head over to a few subreddits such as r/LifeAfterNarcissism or r/NarcissisticAbuse.

I'm guessing he also spends money without warning you, but gets upset at you if you do the same. He probably has you doing most of the caretaking of the children, the emotional labor of keeping track of events, etc. He probably also doesn't like most members of your family. Maybe he doesn't go to your friend or family events, and if he goes, he isolates himself. Or he dominates the conversation with stories about himself.

These are all common traits of a narcissistic abuser.

I'm sorry.