(Part 2) Best christian families books according to redditors

My wife and I had to work through the same thing with our oldest. He’s almost 5 and we are still working to help him.

What we realized early on (at ~2 yrs old) was that sitting in church was hard because there was no other context where he is expected to sit for an extended period of time without being able to move around and play. So we thought about what we could do during the week to make it more normal. We decided on meal time. Every meal we worked on training him to stay in his seat for the entire meal. No getting up. To turning around in his seat. No yelling. No toys. We sit together as a family and eat our meal together.

The more we worked at meal time the more we realized that a lot of the behavior issues we dealt with in general manifested at meal time. Not necessarily disobedience issues, but also general behavior like squirminess. We concluded that if we diligently fought the battle of the dinner table then we would have a leg up in all the other battles. It’s not the only battle for us, just a key one. The result was that we saw incremental improvement during church.

Like I said, our oldest is almost 5 and it’s still difficult at times. But it’s better. He understands what it is that is expected of him which is the first step of helping to train him.

Edit: my wife reminded me that we also greatly benefited from reading Parenting in the Pew. It showed us that the ultimate goal is to train our children how to worship. This was an eye opener for us because we have a bent towards simple outward compliance. Having a quiet child in service may be nice, but it shouldn’t be our ultimate goal.

I have not read it, but there was a book published recently by Leila Miller and Trent Horn called Made This Way which goes into tough topics like this and has gotten good reviews. The book addresses topics such as gay marriage and homosexuality and each topic has two sections. One for explaining it to little kids and one for explaining it to big kids.

Edit: For the folks downvoting me, I assume it is based on the title of the book and you think they are trying to justify homosexuality. I would never recommend a book which endorses heterodox ideas. Here is an excerpt from the book to ease your minds:

> When people say that "God made me this way," we must not accept that reflexively. God makes each person with a profound capacity and desire to love and be loved. However, original sin and actual sin distort and derail the good desires that God gave us, as our passions are no longer perfectly under the control of our intellect and will. Explain to your teen that just as a person can struggle for much of his life with a disordered attraction to food, work, money, or alcohol, he may also struggle with a disordered attraction to sex.

> God doesn’t tempt us to sin, but rather he allows us to endure temptation because his power perfects us in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). St. Basil’s words may appeal to your teens: "As the pilot of a vessel is tried in a storm; as the wrestler is tried in the ring; the soldier in the battle, and the hero in adversity, so is the Christian tried in temptation."

I feel you on this. Trans people both online and IRL are often unreasonably hostile to Christianity.

However, I also understand that for them their distaste for Christianity is very often rooted in real pain and personal experience. My faith and upbringing in the church has been the most difficult part of transitioning for me. Growing up in a conservative evangelical bubble you don't hear much about trans people and what you hear about them isn't good. For many conservative Christians they equate anything LGBT with sexual sin and focus on it as an example of worldly rebellion.

This is not just the case for the leaders of those groups, but also for the individuals who are adjacent to them. Christianity is often used to justify outright bigotry on a personal level. I've read so many stories of people coming out and their families refusing to accept them by cloaking their prejudices as deep Christian conviction. My own parents did something very similar. It is not that these people have long pondered the nature of gender, the relevant biblical passages, and how exceptions to the standard binary pattern fit into them. Rather, it seems to be attempting to justify their previously held cultural beliefs with religion and reading their prejudices into religious texts (which trans people are not the first victims of by a long shot).

Because of this a lot of people who joined the trans community had these very negative experiences with Christians and the church and are justifiably angry at how they were treated. If someone was forced to go through some type of conversion therapy in the past or lost their family in the name of Christ then they have every right to be angry.

I believe this is slowly changing and books like this one are proof of that. We are in the position of being ambassadors to both groups: both to show Christians that we aren't perverts who reject God and to show the trans community that the gospel is not source of bigotry and pain they thought it was.

that's the #1 reason why I am an aspiring minimalist, clutter affects my mood and makes me feel overwhelmed. I'm a SAHM so I'm home a lot and I need it to not be an assault on my senses. The added benefits are shortened cleaning time, environmental/less stuff ending up in landfills, and not having to carry it up my 3rd floor walkup

a lot of minimalism I've looked at is a sausage fest this guy basically has an empty apartment but he cry cried about getting rid of his porn collection and like I want my guests to be comfortable in my home so I have some nice dishes and plates and I'm not going to have a mattress on the floor or anything so I found Cozy Minimalist Home helpful.

Yes! Their book The Magnolia Story is so sweet. They had such a humble beginning and reading about their success was incredibly inspiring. I think a few episodes of their show are available free online.

I can recommend buying, reading and implementing these

The New Strong-Willed Child https://www.amazon.com/dp/141439134X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_aetSBbWSF5FX1

Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062403060/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_AftSBbMH5EADB

Kids behavior is a control mechanism to get what they want, and although every child is different, you can break down behaviors into one of four or five categories. These books help you understand their behavior better and give you effective, proven strategies to deal with it. All you have to do is not give up, not give in, and be consistent.

You’ve got to learn how to effectively discipline this little monster before it ruins all the kids childhoods.

All spectacular books, if I could add one to the list.

Sex + Faith: Talking with Your Child from Birth to Adolescence by Kate Ott. It's a great resource for parents who want to help form a healthy understanding of sexuality for their children as it relates to faith.

I won't bother repeating myself here, I'll just second this post and add a little of my own thoughts.

OP, you're relationship with your SO takes work on both of your parts and you both have to make it a priority. It is so important! Communication is super important to making things work, too. He has to be able to hear what you're saying and where you're coming from so you can work as a team to make things work for everyone.

> And seriously; read, read, read the step parenting help books.

This is hands down the best advice. Reading books on stepfamilies and stepparenting have been invaluable to me. Both in realizing I'm not insane and in helping me head off some issues by handling situations different than I might have otherwise. Personally, I've found Ron L. Deal's books to be very helpful. I'm currently reading The Smart Stepmom by Ron L. Deal and Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. All of the reading has helped me approach my SO a little differently and he's receptive to my insights (though our communication was solid prior to all the reading I've done, I know for a fact it's made it better). It's also helped me understand what my role is as a stepparent and how to deal with some of the struggles that arise.

Best of luck OP. It's a tough road to travel and role to take on, but with work, it definitely can get better.

I heard this author giving an interview about this book the other day https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Single-Living-Complete-Fully-ebook/dp/B07CTD7MBM/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Kingdom+single&qid=1558100404&s=digital-text&sr=1-1
I thought it might be helpful to people who are looking to live as content singles filled with purpose. He said the book was dedicated to his sister's who had never married but lived lives filled with purpose.

Some of the book reviews seem to have found it helpful.

Both of Myquillyn Smith's books, for sure.

The Nesting Place: It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Beautiful https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310337909/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_a9kBCb9AG7FF9

Part memoir, part interior design inspo, she tells about how she went about making her many houses (13 all told, most of them rentals) into homes over the past 18 years. Practical, down to earth, and encouraging for those of us who don't yet have our dream house or dream budget but still want a pretty home.

Cozy Minimalist Home: More Style, Less Stuff https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310350913/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_29kBCbP4RSR2V

Almost no "decluttering" dictates, unless you find honing your home's purpose and, in turn, its decor, releases you to purge what no longer serves the design of your home. This book is like Interior Design 101, explaining scale, light, texture, etc. and then instructing how to apply it room by room in your home. Don't expect tips on how to store your record collection, do expect to go get a bigger rug.

Things I haven’t already seen mentioned:

Two Feminists Annotate the Bible a podcast of two feminists making their way through each book of the Bible.

Anything by Peter Rollins. Divine Magician is good. Also, check out his Talks Archive.

Another vote for Sarah Coakley’s God, Sexuality, and the Self.

Anything by Richard Rohr. The Divine Dance is good. Similar to Coakley’s book thematically. Much easier read.

The (De)Constructionists and NOMAD podcast are both really good podcasts to listen to lots of interviews with various authors.

If you have kids, Imaginative Prayer is a book with a bunch of Ignatius-style imaginative prayers and a catechism to teach kids to experience and rely on the love of God.

It's a great start to say you don't want to do to your kid what your parents did to you. It's time to take the next step and start filling your parent tool belt with what you want to do as a parent. If your only reference point is what doesn't work, you'll have a hard time making good parenting choices. You don't have to figure out the good tools on your own. There are tons of resources for parenting advice. Personally, I'd recommend looking at Danny Silk. It's framed as "Christian" parenting advice, but the essentials are solid and I use them every day.

Source: I'm a real life parent with three kids. I had a stable upbringing, but when I had kids of my own, I didn't have a good reference point for how to parent. Finding good resources and practicing the tools radically changed my relationship with my kids for the better. We will all be different and better for decades to come, both individually and as a family.

Apologetics (the communication and defense of the faith) is important. They can't have a relationship with someone they don't understand at all. I've never read this but it seems directed towards parents wanting to educate their children: Keeping Your Children on God's Side. Of course, you could just learn it yourself and teach your children as they grow up (intro: Lee Strobel, Frank Turek, Norman Geisler; Intermediate: C.S. Lewis, John Lennox, Greg Kokul, Bishop Robert Barron, Ravi Zacharias; Advanced: William Lane Craig, Alvin Plantinga, J.P. Moreland, N.T. Wright, Van Til). We're called to love God with all our mind too.

Websites: bethinking.org, reasonable faith.org, johnlennox.org, gotquestions.org, coldcasechristianoty.com, RZIM.org Bishop Robert Barron's Youtube Channel (all your answers aren't going to come from one resource)

Books: some that I've read or know people who have read them. Any books by the authors I listed would probably be great though.

Intro:

Stealing From God by Frank Turek

Narnia by CS Lewis

The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel

----The Case for Faith

When Skeptics Ask by Norman Giesler & some other guy


Intermediate:

Mere Christianity by CS Lewis

----The Abolition of Man

----The Great Divorce

----The Screwtape Letters

Why Jesus? By Ravi Zacharias

----Walking East to West

-----The End of Reason

----The Real Face of Atheism

Gunning for God by John Lennox

----God's Undertaker

Knowledge and Belief in God by Alvin Plantinga

On Guard by William Lane Craig

----Hard Questions, Real Answers

----Does God Exist? (2016)

Tactics by Greg Kokul

Advanced (research historians and analytic philosophers):

Warranted Christian Belief by Alvin Plantinga

----Where the Conflict Really Lyes

Reasonable Faith by William Lane Craig

----The Kalam Cosmological Argument

----Divine Aseity

----Assessing the New Testament Evidence for the Historicity of the Resurrection of Jesus

Christian Origins and the Son of God series by N.T. Wright

The Blackwell Companion to Natural Theology (collection of essays by various Christian philosophers) edited by J.P. Moreland and William Lane Craig



Aside from that, as a teenager I've had to learn some important stuff the hard way in my relationship with Christ. If you could communicate these truths to your kids I think you might help them dodge a couple bullets.. Apologetics can easily become a distraction if we obsess over defending the text such that we forget the very message we are defending! So certainly be more focused on the communication of the faith. Desiringgod.org is pretty good for preaching, and Rick Warren gives a highly approachable message (though there's a lot of disagreements between Christians on doctrine so not everyone will like either of them. Also, verse by verse preaching is not a good method but Rick Warren uses it a lot so be careful to not confuse his advice with strictly biblical advice.)

I'm sure there are secular books that are helpful for parenting advice as well.

You might like this book; I really want to get it: Cozy Minimalist Home. I don't like cold sterility in a house, either, but I also don't like tons of clutter. I think there's a happy medium.

As for normal/realistic, that means quite a few things to me: Countertops, tables, beds, couches, floors, and bathtubs are free from clutter and are usable for their intended uses. Plumbing, HVAC, and electricity are in good working order. Drawers, cabinets, and closets are organized so that the items within them are easy to find and use. Duplicate (or triplicate or more) items are pared down to just one whenever possible or feasible. Broken items that are not able to be repaired are trashed, recycled, or donated as appropriate. There are no dirty dishes, dirty clothes, trash, newspapers, empty boxes, or random debris strewn about the house. Dishes and laundry are ideally washed and put away on the same day (complete the process every time). Cleaning the house is always possible because clutter isn't impeding areas or rooms.

Your house should be safe, livable, maintained, reasonably clean (does not have to be immaculate), and comfortable.

Ron Deal's book: The Smart StepDad

As far as advice for you: take your time. Date to establish trust. If you won't trust your BF with your child, then do not marry him. Part of what you'll have to learn to do as a spouse will be to shift your priority from your child to your marriage. That is a step that many people in first marriages struggle with, so its not surprising that it is even more difficult for bio parents in a blended situation to struggle with it. But failing to put the marriage in the proper place in priorities is one of the leading causes of blended family divorces.

For him, he needs to not try to take the place of her Dad, but still be a trusted parental figure. He'll need to be patient, kind, and above all, keep a long term perspective about the parenting. Your daughter will control the pace at which she chooses to connect with him. Not you or him.

He'll also need to learn to be your support and confidant. The two of you as a united front as parents will model for your daughter what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. That's the best gift you can give her as a mother. It is your relationship with your BF/husband that she will use as her model when it comes to her future relationships. Parenting is more caught than taught.

How about Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus?

Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus by Elyse Fitzpatrick


https://www.amazon.com/Give-Them-Grace-Dazzling-Jesus/dp/1433520095

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Um, no.

I'd advise reading up on Christian sexual ethics: Just Love: A Framework for Christian Sexual Ethics; Sex + Faith: Talking with Your Child from Birth to Adolescence

Also, this one might be helpful: Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free

I'm on mobile so I apologize for formatting.

The Magnolia Story
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0718079183/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qZcuybNGC1ESB

Just picked up this. You might want to check it out.

[Read Dr. James Dobson's The Strong Will Child.] (http://www.amazon.com/NEW-Strong-Willed-Child-Through-Adolescence/dp/1414313632/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411185063&sr=1-1&keywords=the+strong+willed+child+dobson)

I've heard this book is good on the subject

Sexual Fidelity: No Compromise https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01AJGHU3E/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ZUSGDb50N6J4T

https://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Adopt-Without-Debt-ebook/dp/B00LPPDB82/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_1?keywords=adoption+debt+free&qid=1555883139&s=gateway&sr=8-1-fkmrnull

this book was mentioned on the Dave Ramsey show. FWIW, Ramsey's advice is to have kids when you want to have kids (within reason -- if you've already got 5 kids and live on 30k/year, maybe time to reconsider number 6). but he also advises to do it debt free, make minimum payments on any debts and bank as much cash as possible to cover costs, and try to think clearly and objectively about the subject. kids can be such an emotional subject that people will make foolish financial decisions to have a baby.

I have 3 kiddos, ages 3, 5, and 6. Last year I read the book "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" and it was really eye-opening for me. My husband and I already try to raise them in a non-punitive/loving/gentle manner, but around age 5 it became harder to suss out the how and why, which this book really hit on; a lot of it is about thinking long-term about what kind of relationship you want with them, and raising them to be able to make age-appropriate decisions rather than forcing them into specific rules at home that won't apply once they move out.
It is written from a Christian perspective, so if that doesn't apply you may not find it as useful as I did.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0768427398?pc_redir=1408253393&robot_redir=1

[Parenting in the Pew](Parenting in the Pew: Guiding Your Children into the Joy of Worship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0830823409/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_SBfKxb7XHY201)

edit at the end
So, I suppose I'll offer the dissenting voice and just embrace the potential hate that follows:

Maybe, you should, a heavily qualified maybe.

There are quite a few things to weigh here. First I'll start with some references.

This study supposes to show that it could be effective in some cases, if followed through regularly and in a moderated and consistent manner. Starting with "reasoning", then "non-corporal punishment" with the threat of a "non-abusive corporal punishment" as the back pocket option.

I do not believe that spanking is child abuse, but obviously it can easily transfer over to that area. If you were to do this, this is the first and most important advice I could give: NEVER SPANK WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY

Never, never do this in the heat of the moment if you've lost your cool. You are already not in control of yourself, and you don't want to appear as some raging monster, and certainly don't want to cross that line from punishment to abuse.

Secondly, it really depends on the child. I have two boys now, aged 4 and 2. Both react very differently to different forms of punishment. The eldest was our real "challenge". Well ahead in all his milestones, incredibly verbal and logical. He's also incredibly willful and strong minded (great assets for his future certainly, if honed properly). We avoided spanking for quite a while. I was very emotionally against the idea of it, as I grew up in a home where spanking was paired with anger and violent outbursts. Yet we did reach a point where it felt as if we were at the end of our ropes. We tried everything, every suggestion every arm-chair parent had to offer. Read so many books. Time-outs were useless. He was never upset by them, the kid is a little zen master. Loss of possessions, no matter, great imagination. I can't take away every object not nailed down in the house.

Did it work? To an extent. They are rare occurrences at best, and we're still trying to phase them out completely. They're reserved for the most egregious infractions, or instances when their life is in danger (sprinting out the automatic library doors into a parking lot, yeah, thanks earning you a lesson to remember).

Also, again, never in anger. I never once raised my voice, never yelled. Each instance was preceded by a talk about what he had done wrong, why this was happening, how neither of us wanted it to happen, yet there are at times consequences to our actions.

Another thing, never do this when they're in the midst of a "break/melt-down". At that point all reasoning (what little they have) is gone and emotional control is lost. That's a scary place for them to be (I've never spanked for a meltdown either, that's just the result of and under-developed toddler brain). Let them calm themselves first if they're in that state, give them some space, any extra sensory input is just adding to the overload.

So.. lot of rambling here. Finally, go see a developmental psychologist. I was reluctant for a while with our oldest (I'll be honest, I was concerned they were just going to whip out a script for some med, and I'm adamantly against that route this early in his development), but we just began a program that is centered on the PCIT method and it feels promising, I really have my hopes up.

Also, again, know your kid. Spanking does not work at all with the youngest. He doesn't want it, but it doesn't influence his behavior in any measurable way, so we stopped with him as soon as we realized that. Good note there is, time-outs are SUPER effective with him, he hates them, more than I knew a person could hate something, so typically the threat of a time out (sequestered in his room for a short time away from the family) gives immediate results.

Also, a few other books that I really took something away from.

Between Parent and Child.

The Strong-Willed Child.

Above all, trust your gut, you know your child better than anyone else. And don't be afraid to reach out for help (You should be able to easily find PCIT therapists in your area with a quick search).

I hope you figure it out, we're still trying to as well. You're not alone.

edit
i re-read your original post, had some more thoughts. To reiterate, we only use it in the most extreme cases (running away and hiding in the store, running into traffic, extreme cases of disobedience coupled with angry defiant attitudes... mostly the running away and hiding though lately, it's horribly frightening as he won't come back out. We've had to have the library block the door until he can be found, after the staff helps us search).

definitely try the timeouts first. also, consistency, always stop the behavior immediately, tell him what he's doing wrong, and put him in time out. I've also put some of his favorite things in "time out" as well, to an effective extent (the bear he sleeps with, or whatever toy is popular that day).

I saw further down you talked about threatening to turn the vacuum on as it frightens him. I certainly wouldn't do that, I wouldn't want to play on that fear for a punishment, when you should be trying to teach him not to be afraid of it. (I do get the irony of being the pro-spanking guy here and saying that).

I'd wonder too if he's getting enough exercise and stimulation/attention. I know my boys get squirrely if I don't get them outside to run them, or if they don't get enough daddy time. But a good day at the park, some play wrestling, go home, build some Duplo robots, that usually will ensure I don't see much of the run of the mill "boys being jerks" behavior. But I wouldn't spank for that stuff anyway.

Another thing, I'll parrot from someone further down. We also did the sticker chart with added chores as responsibilities, and that helped a bit as well, more with one than the other. One of the boys could care less about the stickers.

Have you heard of the book "The Strong-Willed Child"? I highly recommend it, it might help. I'm sorry it's so frustrating.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Strong-Willed-Child-James-Dobson/dp/1414313632

My four year old was made to sit still & pay attention. Now he knows about 80% of the words of the Mass...in Latin. Or I guess we could have let him doodle.

Edit: Honestly, I was expecting more downvotes. I mean, how about we just put a playground in the Church? Doodling, play, and snacks are the perfect way to communicate the fact that we are present at the Holy Sacrifice of God Himself at Calvary re-presented in bloody form, right?

Nobody ever left the faith because they were taught a sincere serious piety at Mass but there are a lot who have left the faith because the example of others not taking Mass seriously.

Edit 2: Looks like this book might be helpful for many parents here. It isn't perfect advice but I doubt many here will be at risk of falling off the other side of this horse!