(Part 3) Top products from r/DecidingToBeBetter

I agree completely with the premise and the problem, but it seems to me like there isn't a lot of solution here aside from "just do it!". So I have some ideas that have been working for me lately:

1. Read "Unfuck Yourself": https://www.amazon.com/Unfu-Yourself-Your-Head-into/dp/0062803832 This is a good book that looks at the psychology going on behind what OP describes. It helps you reconnect your thought processes and teaches you some Adlerian Therapy (founded by psychologist Alfred Adler) to help you understand why your behaviors do not match up to your perceived goals (spoiler: you actually have another set of goals, with reasons, that your behaviors do match with). I don't do it justice trying to explain it.
   
   
2. Set achievable goals. For me this is:
   
   

• A. Run 2 miles a day with my dog around my neighborhood at any speed.
  
  I track speed but I absolutely do not judge myself for what speed I go, because my goal is not to improve, my goal is to get some cardio exercise and to make myself and my dog happier. Being outside in the sun helps make me feel great. Making my dog happy makes me feel great. Knowing I am doing something to improve and for my body makes me feel great. Giving my eyes a rest from the computer by running mid-day makes me feel great. As a >30 year old cardio makes me have increased energy so that I can achieve my goal B below. I track whether I did cardio each day and try to beat the # of days I've done cardio long term (month to month, etc).
  
  
• B. Do strength training every single day. Do 4 sets of 1 exercise the first day, then increase to 2 exercises the next day. If you miss a day, you only have to do the same amount of exercises you did 2 days before. If you miss 2 days, you only have to do 1 less exercise than you did 3 days before. Keep track of strength training using Momentum app and try to build a chain. Track improvement over time and try to beat the # of days you've worked out long term (month to month, etc).
  
  What I have done here is changed my goals for strength training to reflect what I really need to work on: Building Habit. Sure I want to get strong eventually and that will require 8 exercises 3 times a week, but that isn't going to happen until I build the habit, so my goals need to be geared towards habit building, not optimizing my routine. I should feel good just doing 5-7 minutes of strength training if I hadn't done it for a week. The next day, a little harder, but I did it the day before so I can do it today!
  
  
• C. 5 other simple goals that can be achieved in mere minutes each day: Read Calendar and Quarterly Goals, Take Supplements, Drink Protein Shake, Do not Drink Soda, Drink 2L Water.
  
  These goals, like cardio and strength training, are tracked in Momentum app and assessed over long periods of time with excel. Since I have a tendency to make excuses, I purposely chose easy goals that can be done in mere minutes. By creating an environment where it is difficult to make excuses, I can build the habit of not making excuses. In the future I will have a habit of not making excuses and I will then be able to set more difficult goals.
  
  TLDR; Recognizing that you need to unite yourself and stop feeling inner conflict and divide is a powerful first step, but inner-change won't be achieved at the click of a switch. You need to change your environment and goals to facilitate inner-change given the circumstances of division. These environmental changes should minimize the feelings of conflict and replace those feelings with positivity, good habits, and progress to physical health. e.g. Set goals: Run with your dog at any speed each day. Do a little more strength training than day before each day. Track a few very simple daily goals and watch your progress over time.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.

I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.

I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.

There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.

• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
  
  
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
  
  
• Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships
  
  Hope this helps!

Not sure if you're also open to books but Simple Abundance (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0446563595/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1) has been helpful to me to start off my day with short (verrrry short) essays or quotes on a certain topic like gratitude or self-care. I've enjoyed this book more than just instagram-esque ads with semi-inspirational quotes. Those didn't feel genuine, but this book did! :)

Recently, I read an excellent book on the mathematics of decision making. Maybe I can share some of what I learned to help you make the best choice for yourself.

• Know your payoff. Do you value security or adventure? Will you feel better with more money in the bank or with experiences you'll remember?
  
  
• Maximize long-term profits. If you define 'profit' as money, you'll lean one way. If you define it in terms of becoming a more interesting person, you'll lean another.
  
  
• Eliminate bad options. In this case, it's a binary choice... unless you count taking a year off to stay at home and do nothing is a choice, ... then you can eliminate that one.
  
  
• Minimize the worst possibilities. There's a possibility you could get horrifically sick or injured overseas, or be unemployable after a year off. There's also a risk that you'll regret missing your window of opportunity
  
  
• Maximize the chance for gain. This applies to situations when you've got two good options. Like keep a stable job vs travel. You analyze the costs and benefits, then push all your chips in the pot. If you were to stay home, you might want to work as much as possible for the next few years to really make more money, or you travel and pack as much living into this trip as you can.
  
  
  Hope that helps.

I've read some of them. Those that I read are indeed good.

However, in the context of deciding to be better, I'd recommend to drop Pinker's "Blank Slate". It's a good book, but it's mostly about an academic and political debate. If you already accept that genes affect the mind, there's a better way to spend your time.

I'd also recommend to replace Kahneman's "Thinking, Fast and Slow", and Ariely's "Predictably Irrational" with "The invisible Gorilla" by Charbis and Simmons. The latter book covers a similar ground to the first two, but it does so with less personal anecdotes.

I'd also recommend to replace the books from Oliver Sacks with Eagleman's "Incognito. The Secret Lives of the Brain." Eagleman is also funny, he covers similar ground, but his book is a bit more systematic.

This is a great suggestion and worth looking into. I hope there is less stigma about mental health, and if anyone reading this feels embarrassed by the thought of needing help I hope they take another look at their feelings to see if it's not just old fashioned attitudes they were taught when they were younger.

I like self help books, I got a copy of "The Healthy Mind Toolkit" by Alice Boyes, PhD Link to Amazon. From the blurb: Blending scientific research with techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy, this engaging book will take you through the steps to address this overarching problem, including how to:

• Identify the specific ways you're hurting your success in all aspects of your life
• Capitalize on the positive aspects of your extreme traits instead of the negatives
• Find creative solutions to curb your self-defeating patterns
• Practice self-care as a problem-solving strategy

I'm going to go through it and take the quizzes and see if it helps. I tried meditation before but it just didn't stick, but I think I'll try it again.

I believe that educating yourself about shame is the best thing you can do for yourself and ultimately others. Read (or listen to) "Daring Greatly" and "Neurosis And Human Growth". These books have lead to discovery which has lead to understanding which has lead to peace, for me. 100% chance they will help you too. :)

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https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1567279095&s=gateway&sr=8-3

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https://www.amazon.com/Neurosis-Human-Growth-Struggle-Self-Realization/dp/0393307751/ref=sr_1_1?crid=EQAV5UKFJ9YP&keywords=neurosis+and+human+growth+karen+horney&qid=1567279160&s=gateway&sprefix=neurosis+%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-1

I've given this answer multiple times but it always gets buried. Not that I expect a sentence or two to really get upvoted that much.

More important OP is for YOU to pay attention to it.

I am one of those people who has read hundreds of self-improvement books, and tried a lot of different things. It's been pretty much a hobby of mine for close to 20 years now.

Go buy this book. [Rewire Your Brain] by John B. Arden. This is your new bible. You will get better

Books I would add to balance this list out:

Anthropology

Cows, Pigs, Wars, and Witches by Marvin Harris. Unlike Germs, Guns, and Steel, this book is written by an actual anthropologist (sorry Mr. Diamond) and is a really easy read--it covers topics from the sacredness of cows to cargo cults. It's fun, too, as Harris is an entertaining and engaging writer, and it's a slim book.

Bonus Level Challenge Anthropology Read:

In Search of Respect: Selling Crack in El Barrio by Phillipe Bourgois. This is another monograph written by an actual anthropologist. This book is more challenging subject matter, and I should put a big Trigger Warning on it for violence against women.

Economics

Wages, Price, and Profit by Karl Marx. It's a shame more people don't read Marx beyond the Manifesto, which he wrote fairly early on in his academic life. W,P and P is a preparatory work for Capital and outlines one of the arguments Marx makes in the much denser and more complete work that was to follow. It's short, and one of Marx's more approachable writings, dealing with something we are all familiar with: how much we get paid, and why.

Bonus Level Challenge Economics Read:

Imperialism: the Highest Stage of Capitalism by V. I. Lenin. This book contains much drier material, as Lenin draws upon common economic sources (I hope you like talking about tons of iron) to illustrate phenomenon like World War 1--which he saw as a competition of imperialist powers to redivide the Middle East and Africa--and even the Iraq Invasion that would come almost 100 years later.

Huh, didn't know there was a list. It is a real book, wish the name wasn't so dismissible: http://www.amazon.com/The-Mood-Cure-Program-Emotions-Today/dp/0142003646

Its based on amino acid supplementation. If cost is an issue, fyi amino acid costs can add up. That said, I found it very informative and very helpful.

This book was an awesome read on ADHD and general relationship formation/detachment.

Here are some books that I have read and have found to be helpful. Check to see if your library has them.

Toxic Parents

Emotional Blackmail

Running on Empty

I’ve figured this out : laundry sanitizer !!! I didn’t even know it existed. Behold :

Lysol Laundry Additive Sanitizer, 41 Ounce https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QCQFGY4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_62itDb18K6KA4

Read "The Chimp Paradox" and start frequenting /r/stoicism.

Mastery
by Robert Greene

Some ideas in 4 categories:

Body Language:

• What Every BODY is Saying
  
• Unmasking The Face
  
  Speed Reading:
  
  
• Breakthrough Rapid Reading
  
  Evolutionary Psych / Behavior:
  
  
• The Blank Slate
  
• How The Mind Works
  
  PUA / Attraction:
  
  
• Bang
  
• Mystery Method

Start Where You Are by Chris Gardner

here you go

He also wrote The Pursuit of HappYness...the book that the movie (with will smith) is based on

> Should I leave my current city out of respect for the people I've hurt? Is it okay if I try to stick around and improve myself

Only consider leaving if it's what you really want or for better opportunities. But don't leave to run away from your problems. Make sure you're doing this for the right reasons. Moving to a new place can be a great, cathartic experience.

I've been down this road of self loathing and self hate before. You've recognized your damaging, self destructive behavior. That's the first step. Forget your ex, but don't forget the lesson. Burn her number, email, etc. Burn all pictures. Delete any link to her on your phone. Delete your facebook, and all social media. Unplug. Re-connect with the real world. Exercise. Hit the gym, focus on 5x5's, now is time for you to heal.....you need to work on you. Your mind and your body. Forget all that shit in the past. Read more books. Read this, then this and then this. These books are warnings and advice all young men should get in their teens but don't. We all make these damn same mistakes, sometimes over and over again, we don't learn for some reason. You need to face your past, own it, learn from it - and move on. Why must all men be trapped like Jay Gatsby? Fight it. Good luck brother.

Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. - Tyler Durden, Fight Club