(Part 3) Top products from r/confessions

Disclaimer: I am not a parent, I am not married and, I am not related to anybody who is neurodiverse. However-I have spent several years working within a few support agencies and non-profits in the field, and have worked with a wide array of individuals.

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I do not want this to be a reply that assumes I know anything about your position or difficulties, rather, I want to share some of the most useful ideas that I have learned in the past few years. While these strategies have helped me greatly, I don't claim them to be a quick save for your exact situation. After all, I am able to leave work and if tension rise between me and an individual I am able to switch staff members. You have a far more difficult and long lasting challenge. I am hopeful that they can be of some assistance in any case.

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• Balance their freedom and their betterment.
  
  On of my personal difficulties in supporting individuals at work is balancing their freedom alongside their health/betterment. Full freedom means they will spend all their money on Snickers and a TV without buying soap and socks. A betrayal of their freedom would be me dictating their foods (WE MUST BE HEALTHY), controlling their social life (you can't be friends with them), and forcing them to obey a strict schedule (Bedtime. Now.). Nobody wants that. Instead, we must find balance among the two and learn to pick the fights for the greater good. Sometimes they could have a rush of energy and really need to channel that toward something- often times they could kick the wall or headbutt me. The compromise is that we re-channel their energy; allow them to still decompress, but without injuring me. One resident LOVES to rip newspapers into shreds. Another likes to break down cardboard boxes. I've noticed that if they feel what they are doing is constructive to themselves or others, then the task is more compelling to them. Which leads to another observation:
  
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• Everybody wants purpose.
  
  It is remarkably easy to say that the disabilities of a person mean they have no responsibility- but we long for responsibility. I know of one individual who used a electric wheelchair because he had no muscle function below his neck. He was remarkably depressed (common among the neurodiverse) and had made several attempts on his life. He had sat in on a support group that was reading Man's Search for Meaning (highly recommended). The book is written by a psychologist who is describing his perception of how humanity finds meaning from his firsthand experience in the concentration camps. After finishing the book the individual spoke to the staff member leading the group (this was the first time he had spoken in literal years, to the staff's knowledge). He wanted to know how his life could have any slight amount of meaning. After working with him, they found that he could push a large broom through the halls of the support center where he stayed. To my knowledge, he has been doing this for years- and the idea that he has been able to support those who support him has brought him back from some of his darkest moments. I currently work with another resident who has recently stopped a lot of violent behavior when we taught him the "game" of organizing cards. By color, by suit, buy face value, all of them. He loves the idea that he can contribute his energy to anything productive in a world that offers to do nearly everything for him. Lastly:
  
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• Control cannot be the goal.
  
  All of the biggest melt-downs that I have encountered, among all individuals, have often come from staffs (myself included) inability to de-escalate the situation. I do not mean that we were at fault because of incompetence, I mean we were at fault due to our ignorance. And there is little more that we could do in those situations than try to learn from them. Example: I worked with an individual who was pre-diabetic and on a diet, but the guy loved to snack (don't we all?). Our goal was to get him to eat less junk food. My error in the situation was in telling him that he couldn't eat the junk food. I established myself as an authority over him that told him "no." That was a mistake, and not the proper way to support him. Rather, I should have reminded him of his goal, and further, reminded him whose responsibility that was. I learned that a better tool to work with this individual later on was to remind him of his own responsibility to his health. If it was a game of him disrespecting authority? Always. If it was a game of him disrespecting himself? Never. I don't claim this would work with everybody, mind you, but its a case where I needed to test the waters to change both his prospective and mind towards something that was more constructive for both of us.
  
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  All that said, you are in a remarkably difficult position. I can say that it will get more difficult, but at the same time you are going to develop more skills and tools to ease the burden. My biggest hope for you and your family is that your development of tools is much faster than the increased difficulty of problems. You are doing just fine! Your child likely cannot communicate their appreciation and affection to you in a clear way; but do not, for a single moment, allow yourself to believe that they do not love and care for you with the same intensity that you do them.

I invite you to try meditation. This book could very well save your life:

https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Illuminated-Meditation-Integrating-Mindfulness/dp/1501156985

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It will help you to gain the awareness that the things you are placing so much importance on are not really all that important. It's never too late, my friend.

That’s a good question. I would recommend that the op examines the evidence for the historicity of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Here is a great place to start:

Cold-Case Christianity: A Homicide Detective Investigates the Claims of the Gospels https://www.amazon.com/dp/1434704696/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Nv2gDbYT5YDQQ

It's ok to be withdrawn and to dislike other people. Many others feel the same, including me. I hate other people but can cope being near and around them. Empathy isn't something that's natural. It's a learned skill that takes time to build. If it were natural we wouldn't have wars or even violence. If you truly want to change it starts with opening up your mind.

My recommendation is to start with reading a couple biographies to learn what it means to think like another person. Since you're into music I suggest Scar Tissue. From there work backwards and find people with the most clashing ideals and read their biographies. Learning how someone you don't agree with thinks is easier with a guide and a biography is exactly that.

Here you go. Welcome to One and Done!

https://www.amazon.com/One-Only-Freedom-Having-Child/dp/1451626967/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1538495645&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=only+child+books&dpPl=1&dpID=41czNIq8mkL&ref=plSrch

Not caring what other people think is a superpower.

https://www.allaboutphilosophy.org/proof-that-god-exists-faq.htm

https://www.amazon.com/Gods-Big-Picture-Tracing-Storyline/dp/0830853642

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/january/32.62.html

https://www.allaboutjesuschrist.org/historical-and-scientific-proof-of-jesus-faq.htm

4 of my favorites. Jesus is probably the biggest factor for me. We all know Muhammed existed, but no proof of his prophethood. But for Jesus, the apostles continued their work after his "death". For me that is the largest proving factor.

And trust me, I know when someone is flaming and someone is not and i appreciate you for wanting to start an actual conversation

This book may help you

And you're still dodging the question of who would build it. What incentive would they have?

Also, you're speaking with someone else.

From reality we can see that there is nothing preventing the people from renting from moving somewhere and building their own place to own and yet they haven't done that, and instead choose to rent so as to not be homeless.

I really think you need to read a short book on economics.

Here's the first one

https://www.liberalstudies.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Economics-in-One-Lesson_2.pdf

https://www.amazon.com/Economics-One-Lesson-Shortest-Understand/dp/0517548232/#customerReviews

And here's a follow-up full of contrarian standpoints that you (really anyone) should find thought-provoking.

https://mises-media.s3.amazonaws.com/Defending_the_Undefendable_2018.pdf?file=1&type=document

Go to chapter 20 on page 165 of the pdf, it's a short read (only 2000 words or so), see if you still think what you currently do.

Politics are very rarely about surface-level policy debates or the trade-offs that different policies entail. Politics is usually about signaling team allegiance and fundamental personality traits, which are only tangentially, if at all, connected to policies. If you want to understand why, read Bryan Caplan's The Myth of the Rational Voter and Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion.

When people talk to you about politics and religion, instead discuss meta-phenomena, like why they believe what they believe and how politics / religion work as signaling devices. Those topics are usually less contentious than, say, gun control, or whatever.

> i can say my grandmother who did was rather unstable

There you go. What matters is who your adult caretaker during the formative childhood years was. In your case, your grandmother.

The problem is, we model on our adult caretakers, and those personality traits are what we develop an attraction to.

I recommend this book It will explain it all.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0898620341?keywords=the%20skills%20training%20manual%20for%20treating&qid=1458305187&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1

> Given your history with your mom, you likely settled into a co dependency with the GF.

This.

There are books (Melodie Beattie), but counseling needed here?

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

I think this is the meta-analysis that's cited in the book Human Intelligence by Earl Hunt, which is what I was pulling from.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Trauma-Myth-Children-Aftermath/dp/0465022111

If you'd read Heart Shaped Box, you'd know this type of thing doesn't always end well.

http://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Full-Spiders-Seriously/dp/1250036658

I'm also scared of books, they're full of spiders!

Read up on complex PTSD. When I get triggered by things that make me feel like I felt as a child (lonely, sad, hopeless, helpless) I get suicidal thoughts too. This book will explain the brain’s process that can make you think of suicide for seemingly no real reason.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_3eB5BbKZSZCJR

Hey, I won't say 'I know what you're going through', because I don't. Only you can know that. I will spare you the gory details, but let's just say I have 15 years experience with a little thing called clinical depression. 10 of that was with no medical counsel. I thought that depression was for people with 'a lot on their plate' or a hopeless outlook, and my life was going fine. How could I be depressed?

Well, just as good people can get sick with heart disease, good people can get sick with depression. Sometimes, there just isn't a demonstrative 'reason' or 'cause'.

What you describe sounds familiar. It sounds like depression. (Might be wrong). It could be grief. It could be both. If so, there is an important difference between 'going through a depression', and HAVING depression.

'A depression' can strike anyone, and usually subsides within roughly 6 months or less. Someone with clinical depression, on the other hand, rarely gets rid of it once and for all. It is kind of a life gig. There is help. It can definitely get better. Yet, a lifer must always be cognizant of the wolf lurking just outside the reach of the firelight.

I can't hope to tell you which (if either) is your case here, and I'd be disingenuous for doing so. After all, I'm no professional. Regardless, just know that you don't have to suffer alone. You don't have to fight that beast unarmed, and in the dark. If you haven't already doneso I'd suggest setting up a consult with a therapist. (Do some research and pick a good reputation.)

Here's some things that've helped me a bit:
Podcast: https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/

Webcomic: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?m=1

Book: https://www.amazon.com/Noonday-Demon-Atlas-Depression/dp/1501123882