Hi there. I'd say that the symptoms you describe are a normal reaction to what should be an abnormal event; at the same time, it's no way to live. You shouldn't have to struggle with these thoughts and feelings every day.

It sounds like you are managing incredibly well, especially given how much your daily life is affected by what you've been through. Seriously, well done.

Personally, after I was hurt I poured even more energy into my work (it was my first 'real' job out of uni). I moved to a new neighbourhood, had terrible nightmares/flashbacks and constantly had the event on my mind, but at the same time I actually excelled in the work sphere. I was promoted several times and given raises etc... however, as you say, I was tired. Eventually, at about the three-year mark, I became so drained that I couldn't keep it up, and the situation began to reverse - my work suffered more and more and my personal life all but disintegrated. It was a profound exhaustion like I'd never known. By the time five years came, I was at the end of my rope. I had to take a full year off of work to focus on processing the trauma and rebuilding my life.

The reason I'm sharing this is to let you know that you're not alone, but also to warn you that if it is still affecting your day-to-day life this much, it's unlikely to go away on its own without some kind of intervention. Please do keep living your life and be very proud of everything you are accomplishing, but also be cautious of burnout. Even the strongest, most intelligent person has a limit to what they can endure.

Therapy can be really helpful if you have access to it, but as you mentioned it's not within everyone's budget. This is more of a long-term plan, but when you are looking for jobs, look closely at their benefits packages - many do include mental health funding/support services, at least where I am. In the meantime, it might be worth reaching out to your school and your local rape crisis centre to see what they might offer in terms of free counselling.

Outside of that, I'd recommend getting a few books to guide you through. Some that could be helpful are:

• Calming The Emotional Storm ...I think this one was written with bipolar people in mind, but I don't have that (I've been dx'd with ptsd, anxiety and depression) and I still found it very helpful
  
  
• The Rape Recovery Handbook ...haven't tried this one myself but have seen it oft-recommended
  
  
• The Body Keeps The Score ...a very well-known book/author dealing with trauma recovery
  
  
• The PTSD Workbook ...not saying you have ptsd, but this might still be helpful to guide yourself through trauma recovery
  
  
• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook ...I've found this one helpful as well
  
  At least a couple of these are also available as audiobooks, if that interests you (I use Audible).
  
  Good luck with everything; it sounds like you are on a great path. You will get to a place when what happened to you feels more past than present... just be sure to address it and treat yourself with kindness and compassion along the way.
  
  It's totally normal and ok that this is tough for you, but it doesn't have to be this way forever. You're so much more than what happened to you. 💙

We need to recognize how much of a burden trying to overcome things can be. We need to recognize that some people need more time than others before they can go head on into a fix. So patience is key. Many people going through what she is, will experience a conflict between wanting to feel their emotions and not wanting to.

Sometimes people use the doubts and guilt to blame themselves, as sometimes this gives them the “illusion” of control.


There is really no training for when rape happens and many people freeze up. Especially when its someone close to them or someone they love. That love can help betray their real emotions, and nullify the ability to “fight back”, since you don't naturally hit those ones you love.


Being able to deal with it on your own sounds good, but many times you need a third party to catch when the wrong mentalities are subbing in for a healthier one.


“She says she doesn't feel like she knows who she is anymore.”
Dissociation or “splitting off” is a way to control the pain of the abuse. In addition...
Time and memories can also be “lost”. But this is just another reason to attempt recovery.


Why should she aim for recovery? Higher Self-esteem. Improved relationships. Improved sexuality. Greater sense of control. Increased ability to understand , express, and release your emotions. Heightened Self-awareness. Staying grounded in the present. Developing healthier defenses. Peace of mind...


One of my favorite books on this subject is The Right To Innocence by Beverly Engel.

http://www.amazon.com/Right-Innocence-Childhood-Therapeutic-Self-Help/dp/0804105855/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302560826&sr=8-1

They say its for children who were abused. But this book is one of the best ones with dealing with self-gilt and the feeling of helplessness. Only a penny + shipping.

Best of luck....

Hi and thanks for posting!

Long distance

Maybe you could use a paid long-distance service to make long-distance calls from your computer to a hotline (such as the RAINN hotline) in another country. (I use Localphone.com; it's cheap, but the voice quality isn't always great. SkypeOut is popular too, but I think they charge a per-call connection fee.)

Free vs. paid therapy

A) In many places, you have to wait longer to get free therapy than for paid therapy. I wonder whether or not you might be on a waiting list for free therapy. If so, I wonder if you could go to a paid therapist — at least for one or two appointments — for now.

Self-help books

B) I wonder what are your thoughts about possibly working through a self-help book for anxiety, such as When Panic Attacks. (You could work through it by yourself, but it might be much more useful to work through it together with a friend who also suffers from worry and/or anxiety.)

Self-help groups

C) I'd also be curious to hear your thoughts on self-help groups, such as Emotions Anonymous (EA). In a comment elsewhere in this thread, you mentioned that you're in Germany.
Well, EA has meetings in dozens of countries, including Germany.

Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and now sexual assault advocate.

Children don't make this shit up. Unless someone teaches them about sexuality they don't have the context to make up lies about it. If your mother has taught her to refer to her vagina as "her bottom" and she is telling you that your step father deliberately tickles "her bottom", your step father is touching her vagina. Please call the authorities that exist in your location to deal with these issues ASAP. If you call a sexual assault hotline (at least in the USA) they are obligated to report the call and any personal information you give them to CPS.

If the post here are not enough encouragement for you to make that call please follow this link and read about the struggles your child will deal with as an adult if this gets swept under the rug.

https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-childhood-sexual-abuse

A child who's parents protected them and stood up for them will have more confidence in their adult life. Please give your daughter the gift of emotional security in her relationship with you.

Also, here is a absolutely gut-wrenching first hand account of the experience of being groomed by a sexual predator (and I think one of the best explanations of how that happens.)
https://www.amazon.com/Groomed-Mother-Little-Waited-Justice/dp/0857208276


She will be SO much better off in adulthood if you do this now instead of waiting.

Maybe check out some of these books which could help her work through the process that is provided in therapy in a self-guided way. What I would recommend is that she set aside an hour or two a week to devote to this to keep herself consistent, but not overwhelmed by over-reading:

the sexual healing journey

overcome trauma and ptsd

the PTSD workbook

the PTSD sourcebook

Then these are not workbooks - but might help provide her insight and healing:

quest for respect

resurrection after rape

I can't offer you any specific advice but wanted to recommend this book if you haven't already seen it.

Years ago I read this book "The Friend Who Got Away," it was many women's stories about close friendships that ended for a variety of in some cases bizarre and in other cases mundane reasons. It helped me as I was realizing that a dear friendship had come to an end and it couldn't be helped. It really helped me let go, even though it felt like a death at the time.

https://www.amazon.com/Friend-Who-Got-Away-Friendships/dp/0767917197

It is a very sad thing when a friendship between women breaks up in such a way, but it happens to all of us, and we do move on.

There are some books about this that may help you to understand how to better support her:

Trust after Trauma: A relationship guide for survivors and those who love them

Secondary Survivors

When You're the Partner of a Rape or Incest Survivor(https://www.amazon.com/When-Youre-Partner-Incest-Survivor/dp/0893903299/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1503500838&sr=8-3&keywords=rape+partner)

This website is about intimate partner rape, but there's a section for supporters of survivors of intimate partner sexual violence (meaning the rapist was a romantic partner/spouse)

Supporting a survivor, general info from Rape crisis UK

Recovering From Rape: Practical Advice on Overcoming the Trauma and Coping with Police, Hospitals, and the Courts - for the Survivors of Sexual Assault and their Families, Lovers and Friends

If you would like to read survivor accounts there are plenty on Reddit, you may also be interested in Alice Sebold's Lucky