> I do however work tirelessly to share the load of as much as I can around the household and with the kids.

You're way ahead of me! That's good to hear, and my apologies for guessing wrong. Given the normal distribution of housework and childcare in most households, it's a possibility that always needs to be raised in cases like this.

That only leaves the other option. If I were in your shoes, I would try to get her involved in consciously trying to reduce stress. Two specific approaches really stand out.

The first is simply getting more sleep. Busy people with jobs and kids and cellphones almost always skimp on sleep, and over the long run it really does reduce libido in a major way for a lot of people. Just setting a slightly earlier bedtime and banning devices from the bedroom can sometimes do wonders. It's quite possible that the real villains here are Candy Crush and Facebook.

The second-most-effective tool for reducing stress is meditation. A lot of people dismiss meditation as some sort of New Age thing, but there's a ton of solid research on its benefits, not just for sex, but for many other stress-related problems as well. I was a neuroscience student in the 90s when the research first started to pile up, and everything since then has confirmed what people were finding at the time. It's not magic, but it does help.

Related to the last point, comparison studies suggest that the most effective treatment available so far for low libido is something called Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) or [Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)](). The program usually requires around 20 hours over eight weeks, plus 45 minutes of homework a day. Alternatively, you can do it online for free, though I don't know whether that is as effective.

> According to Lori Brotto, a professor of gynecology at the University of British Columbia, mood, interpersonal relationships, and general wellbeing are much more central to a woman’s lack of sexual desire than physiological factors. ...

> Brotto’s studies have shown that mindfulness ... can help women with sexual dysfunction increase their sexual desire by helping them to become more attuned to their body’s sexual response and learn to accept their body’s physical limitations. And, not only that, mindfulness can help decrease stress and alleviate depression, helping women to feel better and enjoy sex more.

Anyway, that's a possibility to suggest to your wife if she's willing to try to improve the situation.

Some good sources:

• Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, Third Edition, An Updated Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping, by Robert Sapolsky, professor of biology and neuroscience at Stanford.
  
  
• Meditation Programs for Psychological Stress and Well-being - A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis, from the Journal of the American Medical Association, March 2014.
  
  
• A Mindfulness-Based Group Psychoeducational Intervention Targeting Sexual Arousal Disorder in Women, Journal of Sexual Medicine, July, 2008, Lori Brotto, et al.
  
  Random quote from Psychology Today (not a highly reliable source, but adequate for this sort of thing):
  
  > There is no magic pill for restoring sexual desire among women, nor is there likely to be. Perhaps the most effective route is educating both men and women about how women actually become aroused. One treatment of hypoactive desire in women that is proving highly effective utilizes mindfulness to connect bodily sensations of arousal with psychological arousal.
  
  I also highly recommend getting Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, and sharing it with your wife.

This is an amazing book and it has really helped me a ton. I love words of affirmation too, it's Admiration in the book. I told my guy to skip to that chapter but he's actually enjoying the whole thing.

Each chapter has a great example, and what you're writing matches the examples perfectly.

I think spouses do that a lot, "now that we're married, I don't have to do that chit-chat thing with you, I already know everything about you!" and woosh, pleasant conversation that women enjoy for bonding goes out the window.

"I don't have to pretend I like fishing with you!" etc etc.

"All that romance stuff" that made you fall in love with him goes out the window, and it's obvious that you're falling out of love with him

Here's his website and a TLDR but yeah, your hubby is insisting on only having his needs for sexual fulfilment met and that's some selfish bullshit that will end badly.

It depends on what you do with that knowledge. When my wife first learned of the concept of responsive desire, it was helpful for her. It helped her to not feel like there was something wrong with her. Up to that point, and I guess even after, I treated her sexuality like something that needed to be fixed. That approach doesn't often help the lower libido partner feel more sexual. On the other hand, I think in some ways it helped her to feel justified in not wanting sex almost ever, and so she could stop trying to force herself to want sex (not that that ever worked anyway).

Then we tried what this book (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0825305675) "Intimacy & Desire" refers to as "The Devil's Bargain". Basically, since I want it all the time, but she has to be in the mood. She should d all the I initiation. The thought being that she would have to work on getting in the mood more often, and I would feel more desired because she is initiating. As the author says, this is not a good long term solution, and it wasn't for us either. It left her dreading pitting in the effort, and me often disappointed with duty sex.

For us, it turned out we were putting all of our energy into solving this sex problem, but it turned out that sex was not the problem, but rather a symptom. The problem was that she didn't feel lived or accepted. I didn't feel desired. Once we started working on that, our sex life took off. She is still responsive in desire, but she has an easier time turning it on. And it's not just by her choice that she improved there. It just happed because she trusts my love for her now. On my part, I'm much less needy when it comes to sex. I don't get as upset when I don't get sex, and I never feel like it's duty sex anymore. I am convinced that no amount of effort and energy poured into our sex lives could have reaped the benefits that we have seen by focusing less on sex, and more on connecting.

Good luck tomorrow /u/throwawayso30! Here's hoping for a speedy recovery!

Given today is still technically Towel Day is some places, I recommend Douglas Adams The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. It's my favorite of the Hitchhiker's series. Laughter is definitely helpful in recovery :)

I'll have to think hard about another recommend, choosing just one book is really tough!

Ok I have a futbol/soccer book recommendation because why not?

Football in sun and shadow by Eduardo Galeano. It's a history of the the world cup written in these amazing poetic vignettes. The original is in Spanish but the English translation is amazing.

/u/onmymind42 if you love soccer you have to check it out!!

There's also The thinking fans guide to the world cup

Oh, cool! I have two of these already on my amazon wishlist, but I'm going to add the rest now! Thanks so much!

I'm reading What Do Women Want? right now and so far, i'm really enjoying it. I'll provide a better review when I finish the whole thing!

When I moved out from my husband 5 years ago I wound up buying the book called thanks for coming by Mara Altman. It's pretty funny and it's all about this girl who never had orgasm who goes on a quest to try and have her first one. At any rate it's an entertaining read and it's a really good how-to on how to have your first orgasm. Which is what I wanted... thank you hitachi magic wand. https://www.amazon.com/Thanks-Coming-Young-Womans-Orgasm/dp/0061577111

I have a few books on the subject as well. And it all started here:

https://www.amazon.com/Engineer-Motorbooks-Workshop-Carroll-Smith/dp/0879381868

Back in the day, I had a wonderful, 1,000 page machining textbook that I would give anything to get back. So much lost knowledge! Damn.

Today I made pretty awesome cupcakes So I have that going on, anyway. :)

\>I have attic access, and could attach it security to a beam.

Do not do this. Add a 4x4 on top of and perpendicular to the existing joists and drill a hole through the center of the new beam for your attachment point. You'll then have the weight supported by multiple joists

Brackets to hold the 4x4 to the existing joists are a buck or two a piece, but honestly you could probably toe-in a few 3" screws if you have them and a hammer drill. That part probably isn't going to slide... it's the lag bolt/anchor pulling from inside the wood you have to avoid.. thus drilling the hole all the way through your new crossbeam and then you can get something like this (with a bigger grade 5 or grade 8 washer cause overkill) to mount the swing to. I found a similar one in a single pack for under $3 so it should be pretty cheap

Just read a little bit of summer camp, seems like it will be a good read. Reminds me of the Harrod Experiment

Even though you claim not to like math, I think you'd enjoy this book, based on your eclectic interests and reading choices.

 

I <3 math though.

Your ideas about male vs female sexuality are a bit off base.

I’d recommend this book

The book Blow Him Away

http://www.amazon.com/Blow-Him-Away-Give-Mind-Blowing/dp/0767916565

Worth every penny!

I read this earlier and thought some might find it interesting.

American sex guru and co-author of the original G-spot book, Beverley Whipple says that typically, the amount of fluid released is around “half a coffee cup-full.” Some women can produce a quart of liquid at one time from their bodies!

Until the 1980s, any doctor actually aware of the female ejaculation “phenomenon” assumed it was urine. As a “treatment,” they would recommend exercises to build the pelvic muscles. In 1982, the above mentioned G-spot book suggested the fluid wasn't urine, but rather a “juice” secreted by the Skene’s glands, tiny structures that drain into the urethra which are said to be the female equivalent of the prostate, although their size and shape differ greatly and their exact function is unclear.

In 2007, Viennese researcher Dr Florian Wimpissinger (his real name) affirmed this, additionally finding that the ejaculate from two women he studied was chemically different from that of urine. In particular, it contained more prostatic acid phosphatase (PAP), more prostate-specific antigen (PSA), and also some glucose.

Because I'm borderline aspie and sometimes don't get irony:

​

This: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

Not this: https://www.amazon.com/Come-As-You-Are-Nirvana/dp/0385471998

But maybe this if it's your thing https://www.amazon.com/Come-as-You-Are/dp/B07BHXWWK2

Not entirely. "Paleo" is similar to Atkins, which is similar to the Gary Taubes low-carb diet that I've tried, and which worked for me.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-We-Get-Fat-About/dp/0307474259/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482109401&sr=8-1&keywords=gary+taubes+why+we+get+fat

The concept is that all calories are NOT equal; that calories from carbohydrates are more likely to pack on the pounds than calories from protein.

You lost me when you said that vampire smut is not educational.

The first vampire book that I recall reading was extremely educational to my young teenage self. I learned "legs over the shoulders" before I had my first girlfriend!