Reddit reviews That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

I suggest this book about conversational style or really any of this author’s. My INTJ boyfriend and I read it, and it helped:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0062062999/ref=dbs_a_def_awm_bibl_vppi_i0

Some nuggets..

1. People can be divided into two styles of talking.. Those who think that the way you have a conversation is that you spontaneously offer information about yourself and your ideas without prompting from the other person. (This style usually expects interrupting and thinks it helps a conversation.) And those who think that the way to have a conversation is to trade off asking each other questions. (This style usually dislikes interrupting and thinks it is rude).
   
   
2. People can also be divided into two styles of listening.. Those who let silence alone indicate listening.. And those who give many audible behavioral and audible signals- like saying “Uh huh”, smiling, frequent eye contact, etc.
   
   My INTJ boyfriend is someone who offers spontaneous talking and who uses silence alone to indicate listening. I’m someone who asks and wants questions to encourage talking and who gives many listening signals.
   
   What often ends up happening when he talks is that he talks on at length, since I ask him several questions and give him listening signals to continue. I only interrupt him if I have very strong thoughts on what he’s talking about, because I view interrupting as rude. He probably doesn’t get the back and forth he wants from this.
   
   What ends up happening when I talk is that he usually interrupts me with a joke or a tangentially related topic or he sits there silently. Neither one of these encourage me to continue, so I stop talking very quickly, and most of the time the conversation turns back to being about him again. He also asks few questions, so I start conversations far less often in the first place because of this.
   
   My boyfriend and I talked about our styles frequently and have made progress. Thought maybe these styles might be what’s happening for you too.
   
   My suggestions in the short term:
   
   
3. Ask way more questions to get your partner talking in the first place.
   
4. If you find yourself talking on for more than a few minutes, just stop. Then ask a question (which can be related to your original topic if you’re not done) to put it back on your partner to get a flow going.
   
5. Don’t interrupt your partner when they are talking unless it is to ask them a question.
   
   Good luck!

First thing: I'd venture to say that you guys need to learn how to have these conversations in a more productive way. You won't be able to get to the discussions about counseling (which is also a great idea) until you can have those conversations in a productive way.

Have you heard of the book "Difficult Conversations"? I'd suggest you buy two copies and both read it.

Another great one - "That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen

My plan: Buy two copies of each. Read them together. Discuss. Try to put them into practice.

1. Difficult Conversations (DiffCon): http://amzn.com/0143118447
   
   2: "That's Not What I Meant": http://amzn.com/0062062999

Ron Swanson's Example

There's this book, That's Not What I Said!, which I've found helpful. I think there's pdf's out there. In every disagreement, there's what I say, there's what I mean to say, and there's what is heard.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor for your past issues? Unrelated to your relationship, being suicidal is really serious and having that turn around based on one person is a precarious position to be in. It's not just that the relationship might not last, but if for some other reason you have to be apart it puts you in a bad position. It's important to have a proper support system that doesn't hinge on one person.

About the baseless accusations of cheating, either this is really coming out of thin air(which again, it might help to talk to someone about -- therapist, friend, whatever) or your gut is telling you something. Trust is really important for long distance relationships(sounds like you're long distance since you met online and he's visiting). If you really feel that it's coming from nowhere, try stopping yourself before you make an accusation and ask yourself how you're feeling and try to handle whatever emotion is making your act out. A lot of times it can help to just walk away and think about something else. If you make a habit of analyzing why you're about to do something, it gives you time to tell your boyfriend, "Hey, I'm just not feeling so well right now. I'm going to take a break and cool off for a few minutes." Even just going outside and getting some fresh air can help if you're about to act out of just pure irrational emotion, and it gives you a few minutes to reflect on how to start a calm conversation if needed.

Also, I can see how having different first languages would create an issue with communication. If you're interested, I think this book might be relevant to you, especially if you interact with many people who have a different first language or come from a different culture. My husband and I both have English as a first language but come from different cultures and recently that booked helped us understand a little the root of some minor but frequent misunderstandings we have.

I think the important thing here is that you now know each other's priorities. You can evaluate the relationship in light of that knowledge.

If she is otherwise worth it, you can just accept that you have different ways of showing affection and both of you need to understand what resonates with the other and what does not.

If this is a dealbreaker for you, that is ok as well. Just know that different people have very different ways of feeling and showing emotion. I'll let other people recommend the "love languages" books. I recommend these books by Deborah Tannen That's not what I meant about different conversational styles in relationships and You just don't understand about men and women talking in relationships.