Reddit reviews The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation

> She knows my favourite food and stuff like that, but not fundamental (and arguably more important things) aspects such as my values and what I want for the future.

So tell her. She'll file it away. She may or may not tell you the same things about herself. She'll be especially interested if you emphasize the plan part of what you want for the future, and the why parts of your values. (Not why you have the values, but the way the values are the why of your plans and decisions.)

> it doesn't seem like she shares my feelings

Probably right. She probably finds it not very important to tell other people, even her legit best friend, about her feelings. Not because she's keeping it to herself, mind you, but because she hardly thinks about her feelings at all. She probably thinks about her feelings as much as you think about the janitorial staff's work schedule at school. She thinks about her thoughts a lot. But she hardly thinks about her feelings at all. And that's why she doesn't talk about them. They're not a big part of her life.

> More often Than not, she is very cold and insensitive even if I'm experiencing a serious situation that upsets me.

This is a real bummer. I didn't learn how to handle this right until I was 32. (Yes, really.) If you think she'd be open to learning an incredibly important relationship skill from a book, here's the one. The High-Conflict Couple. The title seems totally irrelevant, I know. That'll probably be hard for her to get past. But if you tell her that an older, wiser internet stranger recommended this book on the grounds that it's an unbelievably important relationship skill, that's readily learnable from a book, and this book is written in a very INTJ-accessible style... maybe she'll go for it. And if she does, then you, OP, will find that she becomes far, far less cold and insensitive to your suffering.

> she just doesn't care to 'act' in a more emotive and sensitive manner?

This is tricky. Part of it is, she probably wants to be genuine and honest with you. And she genuinely and honestly thinks the best way to deal with you and your problems is to stay level-headed, positive, and solution-oriented.

Another part is probably that she just lacks the basic relationship skill 'validating feelings'. I lacked it until I read the book I mentioned above, The High-Conflict Couple. I knew the phrase, just had no idea how to do it. The book taught me how. It could teach your friend how.

> She has also admitted that she often sees people and relationships as tools? This is worded really badly

I'd bet you $10 that what she meant was she views people and relationships as systems. She thinks about how they work. She's content when they seem to her to be working well, and she's discontent when they seem to be busted. This probably bothers you because it feels artificial or inauthentic to you. And that's natural, because if you started to approach your relationships as systems, it would be artificial and inauthentic when you did it. The thing to know is, it's just not for an INTJ. That's how we conceive of every single thing. Our bodies. Politics. Making a living. Whether to buy a pet. It's the natural, authentic way we think about every single thing- as systems made up of components interacting according to something like laws of nature. Relationships are no exception. We think of them as systems. It's deeply different, but it's not fake, it's not manipulative, and it doesn't mean we don't care about you.

> I really do think that bringing this up will cause tension/fricion/awkwardness in our relationship.

There are quite a few different ways you could bring them up, and some of them would indeed harm your relationship.

• One way would be to tell her you disapprove of the way she exists in the world, that you're not ok with her being a T (as opposed to an F) and you don't accept her thinking about your relationship with each other as a system. I probably don't need to tell you that this would harm, maybe end, your relationship.
  
  
• You could tell her that you're really interested in her feelings, how your feelings are a super important part of your life, and you want to know about hers. You've got to accept that there won't be as much there as you expect, and you've got to make real, real sure to be accepting and nonjudgmental about whatever feelings are there. But I bet you can draw some out if you try, and you can connect in this area.
  
  
• I don't know how to broach the topic of her insensitivity to your pain. I guess it depends on how you two normally talk. But like I said, if you can get her to read the book, you'll be doing her and yourself both a huge favor (more huge for her, since she'll reap the benefit of it for her whole life).
  
  Didn't mean to write you a whole essay, but I hope it helps. :)

First, I HIGHLY recommend the book The High-Conflict Couple. It will teach both of you skills to meet each others emotional needs, express your own, and talk about issues without fighting/screaming/escalating/using hurtful words.

So whatever the case, you should check out that book. But also, is it possible she has Borderline Personality Disorder? If you read over that information and a light goes off in your head, you should definitely check out the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

YES!

I was that guy until my wife told me she was leaving. Then I desperately tried all sorts of things (books, counseling, changing everything in our life, begging...) until I found the answer.

To be fair, we have lots of problems, and this was only one of them, but it was a major one. Major.

Tell him this is a really serous problem, because it is. This will end your relationship sooner or later. And then tell him that a nice internet stranger claims to have experienced precisely the same relationship dynamic, and recommends one book.

It's called The High-Conflict Couple, and it's about validating feelings. I guarantee that he doesn't understand validating feelings. I didn't, until year 12 of my marriage. This book is written in a very NT style, and it opened my eyes. Please get him a copy. It will open his eyes too.

Before you decide to leave the relationship, please try to get her to consider couples DBT. It's a form of therapy specifically designed for treatment resistant patients (developed with BPD in mind in fact!) and it's highly effective.

I have been in a relationship with a man diagnosed with BPD for 9 months now. He was not in therapy and wasn't on meds when I met him. My social worker sister recommended this book to us, and to try to find a DBT therapist who takes couples in the area. There haven't been any major conflicts between us and I feel being proactive and engaged with the therapy has been a huge part of that.

I highly recommend this book
http://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Couple-Dialectical-Validation/dp/157224450X

It's meant for couples where there is some sort of mood disorder, or really any couple that find themselves in a cycle of small conflicts snowballing out of control.

It doesn't hurt to get the help of a professional. The problem is most people who need the help are pretty defensive when it comes to someone else wanting them to go. This is how I would approach it.

"The last fight we had got really heated. I notice that I get really defensive during our arguments, and I want to work on that. I love you and want to improve our communication. I want to be proactive about this and go to counseling before we are in crisis." Before you visit email the counselor, or frequently the counselor will ask a few questions about why you are coming in. Mention that you suspect there may be some mental health issues going on, and if the counselor sees any indicators of that, could she refer your wife for individual therapy or a psychiatric evaluation.