Reddit reviews The Self-Esteem Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

I’m working through this one:

The Self-Esteem Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626255938/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_6iD3Cb5G5TTP7

And I absolutely have benefited from it. I recommend it to literally everyone I know.

One that helps me
workbook

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I was also emotionally abused by my mom and I know how deep that pain runs, it comes up in all sorts of places you don't realize or expect it to. It effects just about everything, really. People might tell you to shake it off but the reality is that to some extent it never goes away, it's always going to be a part of you. Or rather it's something that will always be missing - the experience of having a loving and supportive mom - and telling you to get over it is just as helpful as telling someone with a missing limb to grow it back.

But the good news is that it's only a part of you, it's not all of you. It might not be something you can completely erase and it might make certain things harder for you than for others, but it's something that can certainly be managed and improved on. It does take a lot of time and work, however.

If you are not already seeing a therapist or counselor I would strongly recommend that you go to one asap. Your college should have free counseling services on campus so that would be a good place to start looking. Another thing I've found helpful is that my therapist gives me a chapter from the Self-Esteem Workbook every week (I'll post the link to it on amazon at the bottom). It's just a nice eli5 way of learning about building healthy self-esteem which, unfortunately, people like you and me did not learn the basics of as children. I'll also note that therapy can sometimes be enlightening, sometimes stagnant, and sometimes take you to really dark and difficult places, but I promise it's worth it for all that you'll learn about yourself.

I am still working through my abuse but it's getting better, and I am learning a lot. I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now (I'm 27) and I wish I started seeing one a long time ago. I have an extremely hard time forming and maintaining relationships with other women because, well, mom, but I am very happy that I chose a female therapist because it's helping me to trust in fellow females a little bit more. Something I would like to do but have not done yet is join a women's support group. I think a big chunk of my wellbeing would be improved by the ability to have close female friendships, and if this is the case for you too, practice opening up to other women would be huge. Opening up to other people in general is important but be careful with guys. When I was your age I was way more inclined to open up to guys because I was more comfortable around them, but learned that I got taken advantage of this way pretty quick. Make sure that the guys you're opening up to are not just looking for an easy sex buddy, because while there are guys who will genuinely love and care about who you are as a person, there are also shitty ones who pick up on your vulnerability and trick you into doing all the work while they get to be lazy and suck your energy dry. You don't need to be closed off, but just take note of whether a guy is being patient/respectful/really trying to get to know you or if he is laying on the flattery and rushing you to bed. Also the amount of time and effort he puts in is a big one. He can tell you all day how much he's into you but is he there by your side when you need him? That is what makes a good partner.

Anyway, that is the best advice I have to offer. I'm not even that much older than you but a lot changes in 6 years, hell even 2 years have held big changes! You're still pretty young and I know that when I first started college that was the first time I lived away from home and stepped back from all the abuse. That was when it all hits you like "wow, I have been seriously living in hell all that time." So just remember you're still reeling and collecting yourself, everything up until now has been survival mode. These are the years when your identity will really start to form and you will be able to figure out what you actually like and dislike without your mom controlling everything. Some of the best experiences for me have been simply doing things by myself, going out to eat at restaurants alone for the first time, bringing a book with me as my "date," treating myself to little day trips, etc. Just follow your interests and do little things for yourself for you to enjoy, your identity will show itself to you through doing those things.

Ok, final thought! You mentioned apologizing about every little thing, and I take it that you grew into being a people pleaser because of your abuse, as did I. Here are a few new rules to try and live by: 1) Resist apologizing all the time. Whenever you have the urge to, stop and think about what you are actually apologizing for, and whether it even warrants an apology. 2) Practice saying NO to people. This was a big one for me, because I was raised to feel obligated to please everyone. Boss asks you to come in on your day off? You have a right to say NO. Flaky friend asks you to go out of your way for them? NO. Creepy guy asks you for your number? NO. That little word is about the most liberating thing in the world.

I hope some of this was helpful. You're not alone and things will get better if you work at it a little each day, and don't be afraid to ask people for help when you need it. You don't have to be strong all the time, we all need a little bit of help now and then. Hang in there and good luck!

Edit: Wording

https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Workbook-Glenn-Schiraldi-PhD/dp/1626255938/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1541564670&sr=8-3&keywords=the+self+esteem+workbook

It's a workbook but it's good: https://www.amazon.ca/Self-Esteem-Workbook-Glenn-Schiraldi-PhD/dp/1626255938

There's no late reply -- standard internet-strangers rules apply. No pressure to keep the conversation going.

My partner is seriously touch-averse, but overcomes it for me for things like a hug - I've written about this elsewhere, but it means all the more to me, because I know that the act of giving me a hug is a conscious choice backed by serious willpower to overcome her trauma-fueled withdrawal.

Human touch is very powerful thing, and definitely something you can use to battle depression, anxiety, and emotional withdrawal.

The reason I asked, though, is that if you are touch-averse, you and your partner might want to consider looking up Sensate Focus Touch. I've not read any of the following, but they are highly recommended in this area - (all links to amazon)

The Body Keeps the Score

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma

Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy

I also thought of this for you:

The Self-Esteem Workbook

> Sex is still this foreign thing I don't know if I belong in..

Here, here's a guest pass. You're welcome to stay as long as you like, and leave whenever you need to.

In all seriousness, sex is yours, to do with as you wish, from diving in and loving it to deciding it isn't for you and you'd rather not. You belong, and nobody gets to tell you otherwise.

> "your bf probably has a side chick if he's not getting it from you."

Falsehood.

Proof by counter-example #1: I spent 17 years with my stbx-wife with ever-decreasing frequency. I turned down more than one invitation from potential side chicks.

Proof by counter-example #2: You can find plenty of others here in DBs who are unwilling to consider "just cheat!" as a viable option.

Proof by counter-example #3: Despite my asexual partner telling me I could fuck whomever I wanted, and being on a two-year dry spell, I turned down a potential paramour recently. I wasn't certain that I wouldn't hurt my partner if I said yes. If we're going to come to an open relationship agreement, I want her to have terms and boundaries in place so that she feels safe and secure.

There are some reddit communities where you're more likely to strike supportive, loving gold than others, considering your history and feelings. I'd suggest subscribing to

/r/LowLibidoCommunity

/r/Asexuality

/r/CPTSD

as each will, I think, be solidly in your corner, for different reasons. You can decide, for each, whether or not you belong and/or want that community's help.

I think that's about all I can think of for resources ..

Other than my infinite supply of ((touch-aversion-resistant-virtual-hugs)) =D