Best books about happiness according to redditors
We found 3,794 Reddit comments discussing the best books about happiness. We ranked the 814 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
We found 3,794 Reddit comments discussing the best books about happiness. We ranked the 814 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
![Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World [With CD (Audio)]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51B2969RUrL.jpg)
A few books on personal relations don't hurt either. My younger self needed to stand up for herself more, and in better ways.
Edit: Several people are asking for recommendations. These are some I have found extremely helpful:
I have a few I really recommend:
Thanks for the Feedback is one of the best I have read that incorporates info I have heard from other books all in one place with practical examples. If I could give a copy of this book to every person on earth I would. (The same people wrote a book called Difficult Conversations, but I have yet to read that.)
Edit to add Consious Business. This is the one I meant to add as the second recommendation; it is mostly about working with others in business but really applies to working with anyone in all relationships.
Emotional Intelligence is another I recommend, giving guidance on how to understand emotions. (Read this, then go re-watch Inside Out.)
10% Happier is an exploration into meditation as a non-spiritual thing. See Dan's video.
59 Seconds is about little things we can do to make our lives better (all science study based).
And Stumbling on Happiness is about understanding our own motivations better (also research study based).
Some of these books are clearly about "self help" but understanding ourselves is a key to understanding our interactions with others. And I try to only recommend books that are based in science and research.
I also like Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, Incognito by David Eagleman, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, How Children Succeed by Paul Tough, The Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam, Nudge by Richard Thaler, and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahnerman. Oh, and anything by Malcom Gladwell; I may not always agree with him, but he is thought provoking and well researched. (I have an Audible account and have found that a good way to get through books while doing other things like exercise, long car trips, or cleaning the house.)
More Adds; Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely, The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz, Nurture Shock by Po Bronson, My Age of Anxiety by Scott Stossel, Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon, The Charisma Myth by Olivia Cabane, How We Learn by Benedict Carey, and I generally like anything by the Freakanomics guys.
Edit: And thank you kind stranger for the gold!
If anyone would like to make recommendations to me based on the above list, please do so! I always have a growing reading queue :-)
I'm a doctoral candidate in clinical psych and a therapist, so here's my two cents on this phenomena. Please remember that this information is a generalization based off of existing research and observation of humans--there are always exceptions to any rule.
One thing I often tell my patients is that we notice negative events more often because the positive stuff is happening all the time. Think of it like bad reviews on Yelp. Most of the time, if you had a decent experience somewhere, unless the experience was exceptional you're probably unlikely to post about said experience. Whereas if something bad happened, you definitely want to tell the world, right?
Secondly, negative emotions are associated with the release of a lot of different neurotransmitters and hormones, such as cortisol and epinephrine (adrenaline). Both of those stimulate our nervous systems to enter fight/flight mode--this is a heightened state of arousal. Generally speaking, positive emotions don't put us into fight or flight mode unless we perceive something as a threat.
This is the same reason that we are more inclined to remember nightmares rather than dreams. Nightmares release the same chemicals and wake us (very quickly) from sleep.
All of that said, as to why we "seek" risky behaviors, that's all human nature. If you tell a kid "no" to something, what are they going to try and do? They'll find a way to do it. It's quite possible that this is because we like adrenaline rushes (and that's why adrenaline junkies exist).
Lastly, violence, drugs and vices are not usually seen as negative experiences by the people who partake in them. Mostly because they are getting some positive reinforcement from their brains--usually a flooding of dopamine (the feel good neurotransmitter).
TL;DR: Good stuff happens more so we don't always see it and being bad makes us feel good sometimes (like sneaking cookies from the cookie jar).
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Edit: If you are struggling with negative thinking, please consider seeing a therapist! Additionally, here are some resources for changing the way you think!
Books:
Grounding Apps:
Cognitive Distortions (Twisted Thinking):
If anyone is intersted in this then I highly suggest you watch this TED talk with Shawn Achor. It goes on to explain positive psychology, a relatively new field in psychology that has confirmed that people need to be happy in order to maximize their potential to be successful and not successful to obtain happiness, as is widely believed and virtually how the majority of the worlds work force is managed.
If you enjoy that than I advise you to check out his book "The Happiness Advatnage". It's a great read. Perspective really does change the reality in front of us.
Can I recommend a book, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". It's an entertaining introduction to some of the concepts that helped me with these issues.
was in denial about how much the trauma and neglect i sustained throughout childhood had had an effect on me. i told everyone and myself that i was fine, but it was becoming quite apparent to me that i wasn't
i came to the conclusion that although my whole life intellectually i had been far ahead of (most of) my peers and even many of the adults in my life, emotionally i never really made it past eight years old
was at the library a few weeks later perusing for nothing really at all and somehow this book called emotional intelligence by daniel goleman caught my eye and the title alone caught my attention. it was literally exactly the shit i had been obsessing over in my head
read that and have been using it's info/advice to grow the fuck up ever since
I think you know the answer, but don't allow yourself to act on it. You're afraid of committing to something you don't have control over. You're afraid of negative emotions, because you don't know how to deal with them. Your plan right now is to adjust your life to avoid negative events and emotions, instead of learning how to deal with them.
Thing is, whether it's in love or something else, like losing someone to sickness or death, or losing your job, you won't be able to escape having to deal with heartbreaks.
The only way to deal with heartbreak is by experiencing it. By knowing life will go on and achievable, even if the mountain in front of you seems insurmountable.
You could see a therapist like somebody else suggested. Some self-improvement books might help you. I suggest reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.
Some advice I can give myself is to start putting things in perspective. How does something affect you in the long run? How does it affect you in a week, a year or a decade? Look at the bigger picture and things become relative. Get yourself to think everything is a moment to learn from, to shape you to be a better person.
Also, if your happiness depends on needing someone else, something is wrong. You should be happy in life regardless of being with someone. I know that's hard to achieve, but it's definitely not impossible if you keep working on it.
Same. I just ran through this summary and I'm really not impressed. This in particular sounds like a tall stack of anecdotal horse shit:
> After many experiments on himself and others, he emphasises that the key factor in waking up with energy is that you tell yourself before you go to bed, that you would be getting enough sleep that night and would wake up in the morning feeling energised and ready to go. Regardless of whether its 4 hours or 9 hours, if you acknowledge and accept that you’ll be getting a good amount of sleep, then you’ll feel great in the morning.
I think I'll stick with The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson, thanks.
I understand the 'put my foot down' mentality you're going for, but from what you've written it comes off as coming from a place of insecurity. Yes you have to establish boundaries for what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, but more importantly you have to recognize when you're doing things reactionarily to others or if you're truly acting out of self respect. The author Ayn Rand discusses this concept in Fountainhead,
>"Others dictated his convictions, which he did not hold, but he was satisfied that others believed he held them. Others were his motive power and his prime concern. He didn’t want to be great, but to be thought great. He didn’t want to build, but to be admired as a builder." Fountainhead Chapter IX, Part 4, pp. 605
Are you doing things to show others you have self-respect and boundaries, boundaries which are defined by reactions of others, or do you have self-defined boundaries developed out of self-respect.
I hope you'll take this as constructive criticism rather than an attack on your person.
Ok let's be real for a second. You were fairly invested in her and she didn't reciprocate. She sent some signals of disinterest that you picked up on 'acting distant and not making an effort to message me', then she sent a soft rejection, 'I'm busy' (I'm guessing she didn't propose another time by saying something like 'I'm busy but I can do this Saturday').
Because you were still invested in her, you pushed through the indicators and tried to get her to return investment in you by [demonstrating value] initiating conversation, cracking jokes and being nice. She didn't respond for a few weeks and then you 'put your foot down' and unfriended her. That's not establishing boundaries, that's acting reactionarily out of a place of insecurity.
Let's talk about what you could've done differently, and the underlying mindset behind what you did in comparison.
Here are a few books which I think may be helpful for you to read.
Subtle art of not giving a fuck
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
By this point, I've tried them all, and I don't want to overwhelm people. But here are a few of my favorites:
Surfing the urge (MP3) -- An audio-based exercise from the University of Washington that helps an individual develop the practice of dealing with cravings or urges to behave in a certain way.
The Happiness Trap -- This is a good intro to Acceptance and Commitment therapy.
Mixmax -- Among other things, it allows you to delay email delivery--which can help you control your inbox.
Sanebox -- They analyze your email habits to determine future email importance and auto-filter/organize those emails so that the most important ways get the attention they deserve. It also comes with the SaneBlackHole feature that ensures you never see emails from a particular address ever again.
X.Ai -- An AI personal assistant who schedules meetings for you.
Facebook Newsfeed Eradicator -- A personal favorite, and it does what it says it will do: makes your newsfeed disappear, so you can use the best of Facebook without getting pulled into the vortex.
Distraction-Free YouTube -- Similar to the Newsfeed Eradicator -- this scrubs ads and recommended videos, so you watch what you came to watch on YouTube.
That's just a few, and I'm happy to share more if people would like!
Self-esteem is bogus. Research has started to say so, after years of promoting self-esteem in schools. It either leads to self-beration (like you are doing) or narcissistic behavior...it wasn't the cure-all that they originally once thought it was.
What they are finding is that self-compassion is the key. Check out the research here: https://self-compassion.org/
Kristen Neff's book Self-Compassion is utterly fantastic: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520. It will help stop the self-beration, the inner put-downs, etc. In turn, it helps you love other people more easily as well (including yourself!)
(Also....if you are clinically depressed, that might be another issue. If you are, there's nothing wrong with seeing somebody and taking medication for it. Meds don't make you happy, but they do help our brains to get back to working normally.)
I'm posting this from the perspective of a pastor (which I am), so if you want to dm me, feel free.
That kind of fixation on the SF/fantasy strikes me as unhealthy and there may be deeper issues (I realize that that is fairly obvious). When dealing with a person who is fixated like this, it's not your responsibility to change them nor are you at all responsible for her freaking out. It is also very unlikely that you can get through to them.
My advice would be to set up a boundary regarding the behavior you find bothering you, in this case, the lecturing, yelling, long phone calls, etc. Something like "I understand that this is a big issue for you, but I am not willing to talk to you about it." Give her no wiggle room, and if she persists, tell her something like "I said I am not willing to talk about it, and since you are insisting on talking about this, I am going to hang up." Click.
That's honestly going to be the best place to start (all of this is contingent on me not really knowing you or your situation, so take it with a grain of salt). If she realizes that you aren't willing (that word, willing, is important) to listen to her regarding this issue, she may stop brining it up. Also realize that it will be difficult at first. Have someone you can talk to when you start lay down this boundary.
Hopefully, you will start to feel the freedom of knowing you don't actually have to talk to her about this. Since it has such an impact on your emotional health, imagine what that would be like!
I also highly recommend Boundaries. Might be overkill in your situation, but there is lots of good stuff.
basic road map https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/B0006IU7JK/
summa this https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S/
lotta this https://www.amazon.com/Presence-Bringing-Boldest-Biggest-Challenges-ebook/dp/B00U6DNZK8
You don't need to be "smart" to do those jobs. You need patience, training and work ethic. It's a frustrating myth that gets perpetuated.
https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231
Doesn't directly relate to FIRE, but The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life is pretty great.
That's the trick though isn't it? Meditation isn't concentration on nothing. It is simply being present in the current moment, and not letting your mind wander forward into the future(anxiety) or dwell on the past(depression). As thoughts wander by, acknowledge that you them and let them go. Do not dwell.
Something that helps me, specifically with the breathing, is focusing on one body part for each breath, and how it feels to inhale upwards, and exhale downwards. For example, I meditate on my back, so I breath in my upper chest, and out my shoulderblades. Then I breath in my abs, and out my lower back. In my forehead, out the back of my skull. Really feel the breath move your body.
In m humble opinion, anyone interested in meditation should read Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson. It's a fascinating look in to how your brain actually reacts to meditation, how inhaling and exhaling release different neurochemicals, and looks into the science of buddhist meditation.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Practice, you’ll get better with time. I approach every task I’m given the same way: I do my best at it, and if I fail then I learn what I’m not good at. That tells me what to work on for the next time I do it. You can get a lot of self development done that way.
Fake it till you make it man. Soldiers look at you and see an NCO. If you try to project what you think they should be seeing, then eventually you’ll get used to acting that way and it will become normal. Nobody has access to the inside of your head but you, it’s okay to be nervous or freak out to yourself, but what you project outwardly is what counts.
Highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S
>How did anyone here crawl out of their emotional wreck and become functioning and content members of society after leaving?
First, the existential vacuum is real when leaving the Church and so is the excruciating loneliness. You're not alone and you can make it through. For me, a big part of the answer was just giving it time (cliche, I know, but still true) and just surviving the long, miserable days that followed my loss of faith.
Second, reading books helped. Lots of books from others that have previously dealt with these existential questions. Some recommendations are:
The struggle is real, but you can make it through!
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is a great read, for anyone interested.
There is a fairly famous book called "The Road Less Traveled" that was around everywhere 25 years ago. Perhaps that is one of the reasons for this wrong remembrance?
There's two components to this.
One, realize if you land in a relationship you won't magically get happy. No one thing in life makes everything better. Life is complex and misery comes from a lot of sources. If you're miserable outside of a relationship there's a good chance you'll be even more miserable in one. Also, you now have less time and money. To really understand misery and getting over I'd recommend Feeling Good and The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.
The second part, let's say you really do want success with women. Or at least to try it out. You're probably unskilled. That's it. You aren't a loser. You aren't a failure. You're just unskilled. Think about it like this. We all have to work to eat and survive. There are dozens of strategies for job hunting, but I've never heard anyone exclaim, "ah, don't worry about it. Just be confident and you'll land your dream job one day". You think about the type of career you want, think about how to build a presentable resume, create a strategy to get the experience you need. Plenty of steps and strategy. Same with seduction. For this I'd recommend Models and asking around /r/seduction. There's a lot of different strategies out there (a lot of terrible along with good) and figuring out what works for you, but the important thing is just realizing it's a learned skill. It isn't fate woven by gods from the beginning.
This is a dumpster fire.
This isn't your job's fault, it's yours. Accept it because it means you get to choose where to go from here. It doesn't feel like it now but you do decide your reactions to what happens around you.
Learn to stop giving a fuck. In fact, I recommend the book. Given your work history, I'm going to bet you don't delegate, it seems to be a common issue among former sysadmins and engineers.
Make use of all resources you have available to you, both personal and professional. MAKE time to go to the gym. If some low priority shit doesn't get done at work, oh well. I'd also recommend another book to help augment your current habits, The Willpower Instinct.
You are in control, you get to decide what bothers you. Take control of your life and your happiness. Get in better shape, play with your kids. Pick up a new hobby. Whatever you have to do but don't give up control of your life to a fucking job.
Comprehensive List of Books Relating to Music Production and Creative Growth
***
On Composition:
Making Music: 74 Creative Strategies - Dennis DeSantis
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic book. Each page has a general idea on boosting creativity, workflow, and designing sounds and tracks.
Music Theory for Computer Musicians - Michael Hewitt
Amazon Link
Really easy to digest book on music theory, as it applies to your DAW. Each DAW is used in the examples, so it is not limited to a specific program. Highly recommend this for someone starting out with theory to improve their productions.
Secrets of Dance Music Production - David Felton
Amazon Link
This book I recently picked up and so far it's been quite good. It goes over all the different elements of what make's dance music, and get's quite detailed. More geared towards the beginner, but it was engaging nonetheless. It is the best 'EDM specific' production book I have read.
Ocean of Sound - David Troop
Amazon Link
Very well written and interesting book on ambient music. Not only does David go over the technical side and history of ambiance and musical atmospheres, he speaks very poetically about creating these soundscapes and how they relate to our interpersonal emotions.
***
On Audio Engineering:
Mixing Secrets for the Small Studio - Mike Senior
Amazon Link
In my opinion, this is the best mixing reference book for both beginners and intermediate producers. Very in-depth book that covers everything from how to set-up for accurate listening to the purpose of each mixing and mastering plug-in. Highly recommended.
Zen and the Art of Mixing - Mixerman
Amazon Link
Very interesting read in that it deals with the why's more than the how's. Mixerman, a professional audio engineer, goes in detail to talk about the mix engineer's mindset, how to approach projects, and how to make critical mixing decisions. Really fun read.
The Mixing Engineer's Handbook - Bobby Owinski
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic companion book to keep around. Not only does Owinski go into great technical detail, he includes interviews from various audio engineers that I personally found very helpful and inspiring.
***
On the Industry:
All You Need to Know About the Music Business - Donald S. Passman
Amazon Link
This book is simply a must read for anyone hoping to make a professional career out of music, anyone wanting to start their own record label, or anyone interested in how the industry works. It's a very informative book for any level of producer, and is kept up-to-date with the frequent revisions. Buy it.
Rick Rubin: In the Studio - Jake Brown
Amazon Link
Very interesting read that is a semi-biographical book on Rick Rubin. It is not so personal as it is talking about his life, experiences, and processes. It does get quite technical when referring to the recording process, but there are better books for technical info. This is a fun read on one of the most successful producers in history.
Behind the Glass - Howard Massey
Amazon Link
A collection of interviews from a diverse range of musicians who speak about creativity, workflows, and experiences in the music industry. Really light, easy to digest book.
***
On Creativity:
The War of Art - Steven Pressfield
Amazon Link
This is a must-read, in my opinion, for any creative individual. It is a very philosophical book on dealing with our own mental battles as an artist, and how to overcome them. Definitely pick this one up, all of you.
This is Your Brain on Music - Daniel S. Levitin
Amazon Link
A book written by a neurologist on the psychology of music and what makes us attached to it. It's a fairly scientific book but it is a very rewarding read with some great ideas.
***
On Personal Growth and Development:
How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Amazon Link
Although this seems like an odd book for a music producer, personally I think this is one of the most influential books I've ever read. Knowing how to be personable, effectively network, and form relationships is extremely important in our industry. Whether it be meeting and talking to labels, meeting other artists, or getting through to A&R, this book helps with all these areas and I suggest this book to all of you.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
Amazon Link
Similar to the recommendation above, although not directly linked to music, I assure you reading this book will change your views on life. It is a very engaging and practical book, and gets you in the right mindset to be successful in your life and music career. Trust me on this one and give it a read.
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Amazon Link
You know the feeling when you're really in the groove of jamming out and all worries tend to slip away for those moments? That is the 'Optimal Experience' according to the author. This book will teach you about that experience, and how to encourage and find it in your work. This is a very challenging, immersive, and enlightening read, which deals with the bigger picture and finding happiness in your work and life. Very inspiring book that puts you in a good mindset when you're doing creative work.
The Art of Work - Jeff Goins
Amazon Link
A very fascinating book that looks at taking your passion (music in our case) and making the most of it. It guides you on how to be successful and turn your passion into your career. Some very interesting sections touching on dealing with failure, disappointment, and criticism, yet listening to your intuition and following your passion. Inspiring and uplifting book to say the least.
***
Happy reading!
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.
I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.
I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.
There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.
Hope this helps!
> What helps you stay motivated?
Nothing. Motivation and willpower are fleeting. Little by little I'm working daily to build habits that support who I want to be. Over time, I'm getting better at choosing things that support my long term goals over things that provide instant gratification but the process is not easy or linear.
The Willpower Instinct is an amazing and fact based book on the subject and I go back to it often when I start to lose sight of my big picture. The concept of No More Zero Days has been really useful in helping me to aim to be a little better every day.
Without doubt.
Some feminine traits do not get old, some characteristics do not get hit by the wall. This is what guys look for, when they ask the question: Is this girl worth keeping?
Edit, added after replies: Think the opposites of the five listed traits. They are:"
This is a great question!
The most important part of this is the idea of "okay to ask for help".
The truth is, this has more to do with who you're asking than it has to do with you.
ADHD is difficult to come to terms with because its effects are so hard to pinpoint; they're mixed in with all of the other confounding factors that make life a struggle for everybody.
This is unfortunate because you can never completely blame ADHD for anything--there's always the possibility that you could "just try harder" to make The Thing happen.
On the other hand... no one can ever completely blame you, either! Because there's always the possibility that your executive faculties are just not running at full capacity, and absolutely nothing you do will make The Thing happen on a faster timeline.
So, how do you manage this balance? What do you do when there's never a straight answer?
In short: you have to learn the boundaries of each person in your life, how much they're willing to help (whether "help" means "listening to me bitch and moan" or "coming over to help me stay focused"), and whether they feel like you're leaning on them too hard.
You have to learn to have those awkward uncomfortable conversations where you put your emotions on the line intentionally, because it's actually safer to do it this way than wait until people blow up on you and say "UGH, JUST TRY HARDER!"
I say a lot of things like:
---
> I feel like I've been bugging you a lot lately. I just want you to know that if you ever need some space, you can just say "Hey, my plate is full--think you'll be OK without me on this one?"
---
> Yo, is it cool if I vent about my productivity a sec? (afterward) Phew, all right. I feel a little better, thanks. How are you?
---
> I really appreciate how much you've been willing to help me out with my struggles lately. Is there anything I can do to help you out in return?
---
> Hey, I'm really sorry I went MIA yesterday. I should have let you know I was having an off day. Are we cool?
---
If you're looking for reading material, I suggest:
Disclaimer: A down-vote is NOT "I disagree", but this post adds nothing interesting.
First, you'll probably want to read last year's thread:
My speciality is Graphics, Fonts, User Experience, and User Interface. I don't have any portfolios / demos (ATM) but I can give some advice. Here are my thoughts & wisdom I've collected over 20 years. (You may notice some of this in the above thread -- I'll try not to overlap too much.)
IMO, there are 2 levels to UI:
Low-Level code
Traditionally, UI was given to the "junior" programmers because it wasn't as "sexy" as the main game development (Physics, AI, Rendering, Audio, Networking). Translation: It wasn't "mission critical", plus you couldn't really 'screw it up'.
Casey Muratori (Handmade Hero) has an article on UI called Semantic Compression that discusses how to write clean UI code. You'll notice that UI design & implementation using OOP, DD (Data Driven), and/or DOD (Data-Orientated-Design) are pretty boring to most people.
The best way to understand UI is to
UI isn't just about the parts though -- it is about the sum of the parts. Which leads me to my next point:
High Level Psychology
This is a huge topic -- I'll go over the basics.
0. Purpose of UI
The zeroth rule of UI is:
Far too many people focus on (useless) Form over Function. A great UI can't save a bad game, but a great game can be hurt by bad UI.
1. Frame-rate
First, IMO, if you don't understand the difference between 120 Hz, 60 Hz, and 30 Hz, you shouldn't be doing UI. Go buy a 120 Hz "gaming monitor". Learn about micro-stuttering -- when a solid 60 Hz momentary drops down to 30 Hz for one frame and then back up. I'd recommend starting here: DF Retro: Daytona USA and Why Frame-Rate Has Always Mattered
Second, if you aren't targeting at least 60 Hz in your UI, you're doing it wrong. Nothing says amateur hour more then crappy 30 Hz -- it tells people you don't a) know, or b) care about the fundamentals. Again, I'd recommend watching these videos demonstrating judder:
Third, learn about blending, or easing equations. Robert Penner's easing equations are the classic, badly written, buggy, unoptimized ones, but they are good enough to get you started.
2. S:N:~N
The secret to good UI is understanding the S/N/~N ratio -- Signal:Noise:Anti-Noise.
What are these?
IMO, it is the contrast between signal-and-noise that makes for good UI. What do I mean by that? Here is an example -- a plain data table.
|Foo|Bar|
|:--|:--|
|Key1|Val1|
|no background contrast|makes it hard to read|
|Key2|Val2|
|blah|blah|
|Everything blends in|... yuck|
The problem is TOO much signal effectively becomes noise. Hmmm.
Compare and contrast, literally, with a table that has alternative background colors for even & odd rows. We have effectively added in Anti-Noise. We have used "pacing" or "flow" to the signal so that it is no longer monotonous. I'll add a link about flow in a minute.
This is the kind of thinking that entails good UI:
To learn about UI you'll need to play games. Start breaking the UI down.
3. Flow
Most games have a crappy UI because the user's experience from their POV was never a focus -- it is, sadly, usually an afterthought.
I'm not talking basic widgets such as:
I'm specifically talking about "Flow" -- what is the psychology of the gamer. That is, what are they thinking and feeling when:
World of Warcraft was of one first triple AAA game to take UI serious. That was the pivotal, historical, moment when games progressed from stage 2 to stage 3.
IMO UI really is the last frontier in game development. It is about the level of polish that takes a good game and helps turn it into a great game.
Hopefully this has given you some ideas to explore, to research, to learn about !
I've heard it called tacit knowledge before, as /u/Luckater already mentioned. I've also seen it referenced, assuming you're somewhat good at the game (and getting "in the zone") as a flow state.
Zuko's hilarious but interestingly enough if you look at the basic principles of mindfulness and therapies based on mindfulness there's a similar idea ie. to learn to defuse from your thinking self and more often be in tune with your observing self.
So you accept your thoughts, urges, feelings as they are but not fuse with them and instead move in the direction of the things you value. There's a girl you're interested in, you feel anxiety at asking her out, you don't struggle with that anxiety or let it define you, you accept it but ask her out because it aligns with your values of love, connection, intimacy. The thinking self would run rampant, "I should ask her out. But she'll reject me. What if they laugh at me. I'm not gonna do it, she'll think I'm creepy. Okay here she comes. Damn, I missed my chance. I can't believe I missed my chance. I'll never be in a relationship. I'm going to be lonely forever. I am unlovable. I am a useless piece of human garbage."
As for your other self, your observing self, you get more into tune with this through focusing on the here and now and defusing from the thoughts of your thinking self. You've taken thousands of showers in your lifetime and while you have the option to think about how behind you are in school during your shower, you also have the option to revel in it for what it is and just enjoy the experience.
For anyone more interested in Uncle Zuko's wisdom, https://www.amazon.ca/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
I miss Avatar. Are they ever gonna do another series or was Korra the last one?
The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.
Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.
Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.
The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.
The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.
That should give you more than enough to chew on.
I'm glad you can relate. Porn addiction does blow lol. But yes we truly are top level people here. It has shown me the true courage that humans have. I've been trying to figure this whole life thing out for about a year now, and it sounds like you may be struggling as well. I highly recommend this book or anything by this author, if you are on the same path. You can filter out all of the religious stuff, I know I did. But it helps you detach from your ego, and basically allows you to be happy in life.
Discipline = self-control = willpower. I really like Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy Baumeister and John Tierny. There's some science, some psychology, pop culture, actionable advice, and good writing. There's also Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal. I've read both and Baumeister's book is better hands down. At least that's my opinion. But read both if you're curious.
Beyond that I recommend avoiding the vortex that is "self-help" books. They can just as easily waste your time and become as addicting as any other form of escapism. You can feel good by reading about discipline and productivity without actually doing anything about it. Read one book 1 or 2 books. And spend most of your time experimenting with your own life.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. :) And also on your restraint. ;)
Sounds like your father in law can be a bit judgmental and difficult to deal with. Especially considering you called him out on his own behavior and instead of manning up to it and discussing it rationally with you he basically said he was above you and doesn't need to talk to you like a human being. Sad.
My thoughts on this are, you will have to deal with this man for a lifetime. And you do not want to make your wife miserable by starting anything with her father. However, in your life together you and your new wife will be making decisions as a unit - the two of you. It is really your fiancé who needs to be able to establish boundaries with her family about how much of their advice she is willing to take. (This is all tangential to the main issue you raised... about cohabiting... which to me isn't that big a deal especially considering your reasons for doing it. I'm more thinking about the general trend in the leaving and cleaving and how that's going to shake down in the upcoming years.)
There is a good book I really recommend - not sure if the father in law is the controlling type but if he is:
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
Meni je osobno užasno pomoglo čitanje. Konkretno Mark Manson, a konkretnije njegova knjiga The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck inspirirana ovim blog postom. Ne postoji bolja self-help knjiga. Razumno, to the point, bez sranja i konkretno.
Nikad nisam bio u prilici kad nisam imao najbolje frendove i čak mi je frend nedavno rekao da smo ga ja i frend "spasili" jer zbog nas ima društvene krugove. Inače bi završio bez prijatelja i ljudskog kontakta. Tako da ja nemam to iskustvo, ali razumijem preko frenda koliko je ozbiljno.
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck"
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Check this out. Might help you
I struggle immensely with self-hate. Mine came from past abuse, severe mental illnesses, and not getting proper care or addressing my trauma for many years until I was eventually hospitalized. The biggest thing I've done to work towards releasing the self-hate and moving towards self-love is the concept of self-compassion. Like, you probably wouldn't say the things you say to yourself ("You're not good enough" "Why did you fail at that task?" "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you more successful?") to a friend, a child, or even your younger self, right? We're incredibly unabashedly mean to ourselves. I think ISTJ's are prone to thinking this way, but really I think most people struggle with this to some degree. American culture is all about fend for yourself and your success are only measured by what others can see (how much money you make, your job, your education, etc). We don't live in a culture that fosters self-compassion or self-acceptance, so we have to work on it ourselves. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT has been immensely helpful to me, as well as working with therapists who use ACT. One of the primary features of this therapy is self-acceptance and self-compassion. Give yourself a break! Sometimes life is really hard and we just expect ourselves to be able to handle it, and when we can't or don't, the self-hate creeps in and we begin to wonder what's wrong with us and then no compliment or achievement can make us happy or feel worthwhile. It has to come from within. Start today by simply talking to yourself as a friend or as a child. Instead of saying "This project I completed isn't good enough" and falling into a self-hate and shame spiral, say "This project isn't where I'd like it to be, but I'm really tired and it's the best I could do for now." Just re-framing those thoughts into more self-compassionate ones helps a lot. Talk to yourself kindly, even if you don't think you deserve it. The best advice I can give if this practice is intolerable is to fake it until you make it. Fake that you feel okay, fake that you can accept less than perfection. It sucks, but overtime the less you engage in the self-hate thoughts and move towards self-compassion thoughts, the easier it'll be to really be self-compassionate and to end the cycle of self-hate.
I also ride the ISTJ/INTJ line and am very pessimistic and very hard on myself. It's been a major struggle in my life, and unfortunately I've had to seek professional and even hospital level help on many occasions in order to... uh... at a very basic level stay alive. When self-hate is so deeply embedded into your mind, it's easy to go to a place where you consider that your life may not be worth it. Not insinuating that you or anyone else here could be like that, but it's where the years of self-hate landed me. Learning about self-compassion and that IT'S OKAY to be be nice to yourself, to treat yourself kindly, to be gentle with yourself has changed so much in my life and led me to a place of great stability and health. Consider purchasing or borrowing the book I linked above, it's my go-to resource for ACT and is accessible even if you never see a therapist. On that note, I'd recommend you see a therapist, especially one who is trained in ACT. I believe every single human, even without a mental health diagnosis, could benefit from therapy at any point in their life. As an ISTJ I find therapy to be a really excellent tool to helping me understand myself and gain better self-awareness.
Best of luck to you and I hope you're able to find peace and self-acceptance somewhere in your life. It truly is possible, speaking as someone who almost died to her deep self-hatred on several occasions, but who has come out on the other side victorious and practicing self-compassion daily.
You can only play the hand you were dealt. You cant change that. The good news is that you can stop feeling sorry for yourself and start working on yourself. Change your mentality, read more (especially self help books...good ones as there is alot of trash out there), learn new things, pick up new hobbies, change yourself physically by hitting the gym, grooming yourself (if that's an issue), dress nicer (if you don't already), attain goals, set new goals....live for you and only you, man. Improve yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others. You will always fall short if you do that and quite frankly, other people are irrelevant when it comes to your life. If it is girls you want, there are "plenty of fish in the sea", this I am sure you've heard thousands of times, but although these girls all have different tastes/interests, they are, in general, not so much attracted to looks per se, but rather behavior and attitude. Girls of course are not opposed to a good looking guy, but good looks will only get you initial interest from them, but if a guy doesn't have a good personality, attitude, self esteem or confidence, then Brad Pitt himself would not be able to attract and keep women. You would be amazed how successful "unattractive" men can be. I'm sure you have seen it. Forget about women for now, work on you. Get your self esteem and confidence up. That should be the goal. How you negatively feel/view about yourself projects to people. It turns them off before you can even open your mouth. Good luck man!
Edit:
If you have a moment, check out the book "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by Mark Manson. It's a great book and it will hit probably hit home in alot of areas. It (and others) helped me when I needed some help. Its a good read. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713?ref_=ams_ad_dp_asin_2
I really like the book boundaries. It changes the way you think about and act in relationships. It’s all logical, but if you’ve never thought about your relationship that way it’s a new way of doing things.
You are an adult. You get to choose how your mother treats you and interacts in your life. Draw some firm boundaries there and if she can’t abide them she will have consequences.
People with no boundaries and people with boundaries that are to intense suffer. You need to find the middle. So, for instance, if you don’t want her to kiss baby then say ‘it’s flu season and I’m not comfortable with you kissing baby. If you do kiss him, I’m going to have to hold him or put him in his swing’...and then do that. If she’s speaking about you in a disparaging way (your mom is being silly. Who raised her. Etc) calmly say that you are this child’s mother and you will raise this child according to your own guidelines, just like she got to raise her kids according to hers. If she can’t respect that, then maybe it’s best for her to leave and come back another time when she can respect your rules.
Be kind, but firm. It’s great practice because when baby is 2/3 you will get to do lots of work establishing and maintaining boundaries.
I just read this book on the subject, which is written by a science writer and a research psychologist and has lots of great, experiment-based information on how your brain works with regard to self-control, and how you can capitalize on that to get the most out of the willpower you do have.
If I remember the writers' arguments correctly, the answer to your question comes down to two basic factors: genetics and practice.
Just as with other attributes, how much willpower you start with is heavily dependent on your genetics.
But also like other skills and strengths, willpower can be grown with consistent practice. Even little tests of self-control, like banning yourself from swearing or self-enforcing good posture, can increase your mental stamina for making choices that are immediately unpleasant but gratifying on the long term.
There's not really enough information on this post to give you an answer.
Does it happen immediately? How far /long do you have to run before you get it? Does it happen with other exercise?
Depending on those answers, it could be different things.
One thing that is reasonably common amongst people who have been through a stressful time is an inappropriate cortisol response. This is basically your 'fight or flight' response kicking in. It happens a lot amongst combat vets - Their heart rate goes up, so their body things they are in a stressful place and triggers their stress/anxiety response
The first thing I would suggest is training at a lower intensity and work up. Wear a heart rate monitor and see if a particular level triggers it. It may be that you have to walk before you run, so to speak.
Also, try and exercise in nature (if you feel comfortable there). This has scientifically proven stress reduction properties.
You may need to find another form of exercise. Walking, Swimming, aqua jogging, ultimate Frisbee (auto correct just suggested ultimate crossbow, lol), rock climbing, crossfit, skipping, rowing, yoga, spin classes, HIIT classes, dog walking, anything you can find that you enjoy and that doesn't spike your anxiety
Also, I highly recommend mindfulness meditation. This is a great science and evidence based book/course on the subject.
I also think this book... The upside of stress would be really good for you. It too is science and evidence based and has some amazing insights into stress and wellbeing
Take it easy out there. Glad you are still with us.
GP
https://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-Timeless-Traditional/dp/0743243153
This book is used to help encourage people to get treatment for their mental health issues. Get the audiobook, it's only about 4 hours. It could potentially the thing that drives you to a therapist/psychiatrist. Depression is very real and if left untreated can be fatal. Please sit and listen to the audiobook. It's on audible but you can probably torrent it. Good luck.
Not a lawyer but a Christian: this is a good book about healthy boundaries written by some smart Christians. Maybe she'd be receptive to it. Helped me out a lot way back in High School.
The times you're doing well, you're probably falling into a flow state and kicking ass. I found I was able to do really well playing CS:S right after a run back in highschool. I experience the same thing in Rocket League, where I'm able to read my opponenets really well and make great plays one hour, and that skill degrades over the next day or two until I take a break. When I come back, I clean house for an hour or two and then the decline begins again.
[Check out this article on flow states.] (http://www.innertransformationblog.com/2016/07/25/ultimate-human-performance/) Something I found very frustrating was how "random" I seemed to do well, and how the next day, I'd do WORSE. This still happens to this day, and this article touches on some of the mechanics behind that phenomenon.
If this is intriguing to you at all, I'd suggest you pick up the book "Flow" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I'm still working my way through it, but it's considered one of the best books on the subject to date.
I have a couple of books to suggest reading that have helped me a lot with that issue. The first one is Mindset, by Carol Dweck and it approaches the concept of growth mindset VS fixed mindset. To its core, the idea is that a growth mindset is more inclined to try new things out, sees practice as a necessary exercise to get better at something, and sees mistakes/failures as lessons to take in stride.
This book helped me a lot because I find that we live in a time where as members of the Western Society (sorry if I assumed wrongly), we expect to a) be successful at everything we try and b) get everything instantly. The problems with these assumptions is that we usually suck at anything we start, and because we realise we're crap and can't get the results instantly, we think we've failed and we become unhappy.
If you ever watch East Asian dramas or read mangas or watch animes (slightly gross generalisation, sorry if I offend), there is usually an element of growth. The main character will fail at something, but eventually keep practicing until they get there. They don't focus on the end result, but on the process of learning, of making mistakes and learning lessons from them. We've forgotten how to do that, and instead of being encouraged to persevere past our mistakes, we're just told to find something else we're good at, which is counter-productive given that we're usually not good at anything we've never done before.
The second book will sound a little soppy, but I definitely think it's worth a read. It's Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff and the premise is simply to be more accepting of yourself and your mistakes (not in a lovey-dovey way, just "ok cool, I fucked up, time to move on"). She posits that self-esteem isn't as useful as self-compassion because self-esteem usually means you have to make yourself feel better by comparing yourself with someone/something else ("Oh look, I must be so good at this because everyone else is rubbish), which means you are still somehow reliant on external factors. This is not an ideal situation because you're still subject to fear of failure or rejection by others.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, helps you see that everyone makes mistake, and it not only helps you learn to be kinder towards yourself (this is especially important if you find yourself criticising yourself and blaming yourself for not doing something because you've been procrastinating), it also helps you be more accepting of others, because you realise we're all the same. This is especially helpful to learn to deal with other people's judgement, because you can see that what they say and how they act towards you is a reflection on themselves, not you (if I'm an arse to someone on the tube, I was probably impatient or annoyed with something, for example).
It does sound a little wishy-washy, but I think it's self-compassion that truly helps someone understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that when you make one, not only should you remember that someone has almost definitely made a worse one, but also that you can move on from it, so it's ok to fuck up. With a growth mindset, you'll learn to be ok with making mistakes, and maybe even seek to make them when you realise you learn by failing and not by succeeding (well, most of the time). You may also become more comfortable with uncertainty and seek regular practice in a subject rather than trying it once and deciding it's not for you because you're not good at it.
Another thing is to learn to be humble. We're always told we can do anything if we set our mind to it, and that we're all special snowflakes, but we're not. If you want to become a special snowflake, you've got a long way to go. So start from the bottom and work your way up. Always listen to advice, even if you've heard it before, or you think it's rubbish, because someone tried to help and it could help you learn. By being humble you don't fall off your pedestal of self-made-up glory because you don't think you're the shit, you're just yourself and if you want to achieve something, you know it'll take efforts, failures and time (always, if it doesn't, there's a catch). There's nothing wrong with not being a special snowflake or not being the shit. You'll still have your friends and family, at the end of the day!
Also, people are not against you, they're for themselves. They won't give a toss about your failures or your accomplishments past telling you sorry/congratulations, because we're all self-centered. So don't look at how much greener the grass is on the other side of the fence, focus on making your own grass greener.
A book that may help.
>When I can't do something correctly
Doing something incorrectly is still doing something, which is preferable to doing nothing. No one sits at a piano for the first time and plays tchaikovsky.
Definitely consider cognitive behavioral therapy. I had serious issues as a repressed closet case who'd never had a real relationship until the age of 30. Just reading a book about it helped tremendously, though I don't think I was facing as much of a struggle as you are. For what it's worth, this is the book that helped me. http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265489005&sr=8-1
Take a break from accounting and finance books. I have a few recommendations from my recent reading:
The Intelligence Paradox
The Evolution of Everything
Delusions of Power
Equal is Unfair
The Feminine Mystique
How an Economy Grows - And Why It Crashes
Floating City: A Rogue Sociologist Lost and Found in New York's Underground Economy
Buddha's Brain
The Red Queen
Obviously there's a political bend in some of those choices, but I can suggest others (it's always important to challenge your beliefs).
I love to read, can provide some other recommendations, but those were just some recent books I just pulled off my Nook. There's some fiction as well.
It's called Flow. Mihal Csikszentmihalyi wrote a pretty good book on it
Accept that you are going to make mistakes and embarrass yourself. It sucks every time but learn from your mistakes and keep putting yourself out there. But you just have to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Also, I read some self help books on some areas that I knew I was weak in. Like I used to be really bad about sticking up for myself and telling someone when I felt they were out of line because I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. So I bought [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Assertiveness-Stand-Yourself-Respect-Others-ebook/dp/B006B96NDM/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1493838086&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+stand+up+for+yourself) and it made a huge difference.
Are you always worried about what everyone thinks about you? The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck made huge difference for me. Reflect on yourself and find your weak spots. Also maybe check out /r/selfimprovement if you haven't already.
I'll share my reading list for the next 12 months as it's how I plan to become a better learner:
 
Learning
Improving Maths
Improving Reading Speed
Algorithmic thinking
Understanding the Mind
Productivity
It's an ambitious reading list for the next 12 months as there is some heavy reading in there but hopefully you can get one or two useful suggestions from it!
22 år er da ingenting. Langt ifra for sent å snu skuta for å si det sånn. Anbefaler denne: https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080
Huskies, especially when young - require a lot of engagement to avoid the behaviors that people would associate with a bad dog/badly trained dog (chewing, using the bathroom inside, barking/howling incessantly, and other attitude problems). It's important that you give them things to do every day both physically and mentally, sticking to a schedule will help everyone involved - the dog will know something is coming and can wait instead of flipping out.
They're very smart dogs, work on obedience training (if you've never done this before, look for a local trainer and take some classes or buy a book - Training the Best Dog Ever is a decent little book by the person who trained Obama's dog among others - it focuses entirely on positive reinforcement, and then there are things like 101 dog tricks.)
Get them toys, use a puzzle feeder for meals, take them on as many walks as you feel like you can and reinforce the proper behaviors you want on every walk.
Huskies are working dogs, and like working dogs (and most all dogs) they want to know their job/role in the pack, trust you and your decisions, and do things that make you happy. They are your number one fan, and always down to ride or die.
^^^dog ^^^tax
tl;dr take it on walks a lot, play with it, positive reinforcement for behaviors you want it to continue, don't hit it or yell at it for 'bad' behaviors, make sure it has physical/mental things to engage it every day and it'll be your best friend for the rest of its life.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
I haven't read it, but Amazon and Audible both keep recommending it to me and I've heard good things.
- Amy Cuddy's book and TED Talk (tl;dr: your body language shapes how you feel; pose like Wonder Woman and fake it until you become it)
- Shawn Achor's book and TED Talk
- pretty much everything by Brené Brown, but The Gifts of Imperfection is a good place to start
- find a therapist trained in CBT who can help you identify and reframe negative thoughts. If working with a therapist IRL isn't possible right now, try an app like Joyable
- law school specific book recommendations: How to be Sort of Happy in Law School and The Anxious Lawyer. I've also heard good things about this podcast.
Regardless of whether you should take a second job, it's just none of their business. Set up some boundaries with your family. Check out this book.
In my opinion, talking to family about a fight between spouses is very inappropriate. Having a mentor that is not invested in the relationship would be ideal if she absolutely has to talk to someone. Have you read the book Boundaries together?
The existentialism is real in the wake of losing your worldview. All the pep-talks in the world about "go live your life, the world is amazing!" meant nothing to me. I didn't know how to move forward. For some of us, the loss is huge and the existential dread (with its accompanying anxiety and depression) is absolutely consuming.
Ultimately, the study of philosophy and the nature of existence was the way out and the door to a meaningful post-Mormon life for me. I read and studied a bunch of stuff, but the below list was some of the most helpful. I ultimately chose to go with a personalized form of stoicism to fill the void left by Mormonism. Others prefer secular Buddhism, etc. If you still like Jesus as a moral guide (like I do in a lot of ways), this is a great short podcast about Jesus as a moral philosopher.
Anyway, I found the below very helpful in my transition:
If you're interested in stoic philosophy as a replacement for Mormonism:
 
Finally, it gets better! Take it a day (or a month) at a time and keep searching and you'll eventually land in a good spot! Good luck, and stick with it!
I'd like to recommend a great book. It might help us get over this truck driver, the car that followed the truck and the hilarious reaction and disbelief caught in the video.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0062641549/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_apa_i_Dte0Db4FVBACN
I have found that becoming happier is the key to achieving more:
(Here's a highly-recommended book about that very topic: http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Advantage-Principles-Performance/dp/0307591549)
Read self-help books. As people, we know very little. Accept that and revel in the fact that you can spend your life learning from other people's mindsets and perspectives.
Some recommendations:
I have found that most things I've read in these books are things I already "knew", but didn't really internalize until reading about them.
You can use an app/website like Blinkist to get the key insights of many of these books summarized for you. I find that doing that in addition to reading/listening to the book really helps you absorb the information better.
part 2 How I achieved my streak
The only way I was able to beat my masturbation addiction was to replace the bad habit with good ones. I devoured information, clips, books, articles anything someone recommended I checked out to see if it could help me. I developed exercise habits, I now jog regularly. I cleaned up my diet. I quit coca cola, I change to the Paleo diet, cutting out Gluten, and eating many more healthy fats. I started supplementing my diet and Ive turned my life around. Each success fuelled another success. Not masturbating, lead to Exercising. Running meant I eat heathily. A clean diet, free of brain fog meant I picked up a book. Reading lead to mindfulness. Being aware of my self image and my thoughts, lead to an increased confidence and lessened anxiety. This fuelled my desire not to partake in MO. The cycle continues. Each new habit compounded the others until I was a completely different person in such a short space of time.
I’m going to list a few of the key resources I used.
Some of you I’m sure will like reading, some prefer visual stuff so here are some of the things I use.
Jim Rohn-Best life Ever- (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwXxhgCbVLk)
Browsing one of the other subs someone mentioned this seminar as one of the most influential things they’d come across. As soon as I started watching it I knew I had to not only watch it but make notes. I now have it downloaded from torrents and as an mp3 on my phone. Please please don’t be put off by its length. Everytime I watch it I gain something new. This nofap journey is not something that you will conquer overnight, and if you cant watch the above lecture in a few sittings I promise you wont be able to abstain from wanking for 30 days let alone 90/200 plus. I cant cliff the lecture but I used it now, as jim states in the talk to alter my personal philosophy to my betterment. If I had watched this as a 21 year old I have no doubt that my life would be extremely different than is today.
A further inspirational Jim Rohn Speech (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFEqiDRwXcM)
If your still with me please now watch this clip. Internalise it and make it your mantra. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p13UFYTQG8)
When I was a kid, Will smith was the fresh prince and an absolute joker, but in my 20 years from adolescence to adulthood, he became arguably the biggest star in Hollywood. Although you may not respect him as a philosopher and he can come across somewhat corny, ignore your instinctual pessimism and listen to the message he says. Again I wish I’d heard this in my late teens.
Running
I started my No fap Journey weighing 230lbs or 105kg. I’m now down to 187lbs or 85kg. I was drastically unfit. How did I do this. I began running. Started off slowly, followed a program and was consistent. Running to me has always been something I thought I naturally couldn’t do. The program I followed was the Couch to 5k one. The beauty of this is that it everything is prescribed. You literally cannot fail if you follow each session. Every time you complete a week not only will your fitness increase to be able to take on the next week of the course, so too does your confidence in your running ability. I have to tell you the satisfaction I felt after completing the final week, was something I hadn’t experienced in over a decade. I liked that feeling so much it spurred me to help with other challenges. Since completed C25km, Ive also done my first 10km race. I now run 5km 4-5 times a week and honestly I love it.
Reading
One of the takeaways from the best life ever Jim Rohn, was his stance on reading. In it he asks the question “ how many books have you read in the last 90 days?” well for me it was the same answer as the last decade. ZERO. This revelation startled me. I knew this had to change. So in keeping with the other improvements I was making I decided to research the best books on personal development. Here are a couple that I would absolutely recommend that I have finished in the last 250 days. – Ive linked the wikis I would recommend each of the books to help with your own personal development
Psycho cybernetics
The Slight Edge
Happiness Advantage
Power of Now
Models
Learned Optimism
Furthermore I have compiled a massive library of books that I am planning to read. Again having not Engaged my brain in this pursuit for the past decade this has been a real struggle for me. However turning up and being consistent, making time for this instead of watching Netflix is an investment in myself and I cant emphasis how crucial to my success this has been.
I know people more than twice your age still coasting day-after-day miserable doing nothing to end their misery and just perpetually bitching in an infinite feedback loop. The fact you recognize that and are willing to change it is a MAJOR first step. Don't forget that.
When I was your age I was in a similar situation. I remember graduating high school asking my "friends" if any parties were happening. There were, I just wasn't invited. It broke my heart, but it also helped teach me a lesson: shitty friends are worse than none. Never let shitty people dictate your situation. If your boss sucks, find a new job. If your friends treat you shitty, find new friends. If your parents have stunted your growth as an adult, find new family.
Progress is made in inches, not miles. Flash forward to today and I'm making good money in a job field with a dramatic shortage of talent, so many great friends I can have adventures with, leading community building and activism efforts I believe in, and bringing cool art to the city I love (I'm doing an art show July 29th called "Kaiju Cult" with a guy who 5 years ago I admired but now we're business partners and friends).
If I could give you one piece of advice it would be this: you'll always have problems. A problem-free life is a work of fiction. You can only replace your bad problems with good ones. "I have no friends" eventually became "I have so many great friends but not enough time to spend with all of them". It's still a problem, but a good one to have. It didn't switch like that overnight and I had a LOT of heartbreak and bullshit to get to where I'm at.
If any of this advice is tickling your pickle, I highly recommend you give this a read:
https://smile.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1499620209&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson
It is fucking hell. I have had this for years. I was given this book by my sister, and it supposed to help a lot with the ruminating brain...but I haven't gotten around to finishing it yet.
Now that I've remembered again, I'll start it again myself.
I take these which helped for a while...but lately have not been.
I relate to a lot of this. Lots of anxiety in my family, on both sides. I was born and raised to have anxious tendencies. First thing you should take to heart: you can get through this and get better than you've ever been before.
It sounds like you realize your thoughts are the problem. Negative, irrational, horrible thoughts that just rip around and around your mind. You need to get control of them by learning to recognize them when they first arise and to let them go. They are just thoughts. Peoples' minds throw lots and lots of thoughts at them to see what they're interested in. Anxious people take one look at a horrible thought and get transfixed by it. We brood over it for hours and hours. We wind up giving them all of our attention, and they make us feel horrible.
If you can't seek help until late August, buy this book: Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world. You can download it on your iPhone or iPad, Kindle, or whatever. Seriously, trust me on this one.
Here is an article where the author explains how mindfulness helped her get over a lifetime of anxiety. It has had profound effects on me as well. Its effects can take hold in a matter of days or weeks.
Dude, you need a therapist. I would specifically recommend checking out cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Find a therapist who specializes in CBT, but also do some studying outside of that.
Check out the following:
CBT is based on the foundation that you can change your actions and feelings through your thougts and beliefs. It is irrational beliefs that lead to neurotic and unhealthy emotions and behavior. Other principles are that you need to separate your past actions from your perception of yourself and not let it define you, e.g., you've failed in the past, but that does not make you a failure.
Ellis' work is beyond amazing and has saved my life. I had been on the track to death being uttlerly depressed and anxious, codependent beyond belief, for over a decade which lead to me being a hopeless heroin/opiate addict for the past 4 years. I just recently went into rehab for the first time where I learned about CBT and it's been a life-changer.
Since learning about CBT and applying it to my life, I have finally become a mature, sane, and most importantly happy individual. Trust me when I say that if I can do it, anyone can.
> I'm miserable because my circumstances suck.
No, you are miserable because you tell yourself that your circumstances suck. A part of your brain attached a label to your circumstances (not as good as you would like) and then another part of your brain took that label and decided it was the sort of thing it ought to produce misery over.
There are essentially 2 possible paths for you to stop being miserable in such a situation:
(1) is probably possible, but if you set the bar at becoming a multimillionaire before you allow yourself to stop being miserable, I think you are in for a rough ride. The way your mind is presently, I think even if you made it to being a millionaire you would find new reasons why you ought to be miserable. Hence better option...
Option (2) can be difficult until you realize that there is nothing objectively true about the suckiness of your circumstances. Sure, in some respects you may be worse off than some other people but that is actual true for everyone except maybe one person. Are we all supposed to be miserable unless we stand at the literal apex of our species? You are probably better off than most humans, you just chose to compare yourself against a highly unusual sample.
I hope you can see there is a certain irrationality at the root of what you are currently feeling. Someone with positively oriented thinking might have come out of the meetup thinking "What great luck! I got to meet all these successful people and hangout in this awesome house!"
I find negative emotions are much easier to deal with if you find they lack validity in any objective sense. The subjective labels are arbitrary, so the instrumentally rational thing is to choose different labels make you feel good (or at least, don't make you feel bad). Obviously your conscious mind doesn't have absolute control all the time, and this sort of thing takes practice, but if you push yourself in the direction of being positive, over time I think you will see significant benefits as the rest of your brain starts to get with the program.
This isn't to say you shouldn't be trying to improve your circumstances. Personally I would recommend pursuing both options—try to improve your life both in external reality and at the same to create habits of positivity in your own mind. There is also a bit of synergy between the two—optimists tend to be more successful.
Your life is good just as it is and nothing you say could possibly disprove that.
(For further reading I recommend Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and the classic A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis.)
Sure. There's a bit of a story arc where I came to my senses first, then discovered I wanted to unfuck my life, and leanfire principles is a part of that.
The one that started it all was The Art of Happiness. I was miserable and herein the Dali Lama shocked my life with his assertion that the goal of your life is to be happy. I had a mindset that I had to suffer in order to be worthy of good things in life.
Then, if I recall correctly were non buddhist books, but in the realm getting your head straight:Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life: I saw this man's TED talk.
& How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything
These two go great together to discover that its all in your head and you can change that. I had a terrible inner dialogue and was able to be rid of it. Life Changer!
The I think I read The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety probably 10 times over the last 4-5 years & listened to the audio book when falling asleep. This one really underlined how miserable we make ourselves striving for security that isn't to be had. There is wisdom here that constantly reveals itself long after having read it.
The Pema Chodron Audio Collection was a constant go to also.
My most recent listening are lectures by Ajahn Brahm of Buddhist Society of Western Australia - These lectures really turned me around to moving past the pain, fear & worry about changing my life.
\^\^ I really like listening to these while falling asleep or with a nap on the couch on Sat/Sun afternoons.
Some other notables:
Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way : Saying Fuck It when you're miserable due to expectations and attachments has a real emotional response vs the above which can be very cerebral.
Man's Search for Meaning: Sometimes it's hard to grateful when wrapped up in our own lives. I read this once a year as a refresher. When I'm being ungrateful I try to remember what others have put up with and it calms down my complaining mind.
The Art of Disappearing: Buddha's Path to Lasting Joy : more from Ajahn Brahm - There is a better way to live our lives and not be miserable. Simplicity and lean fire go really well together.
More minimalism than buddhism, but they jive well together:
Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life
Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism
Above all I feel these are all about snapping out of the nonsense mindsets & habits many of us have.
Good luck.
Welcome to the fun, fringe, uncharted territory of esotericism, spirituality, and cosmic consciousness! If you’re anything like me, perhaps one day these elements were invisible to your awareness, and then the very next day these things became very interesting. It’s funny, I feel like when I flipped “on” a couple of years ago I wanted to hungrily devour any and all pieces of writing that dealt with unseen realms.
Just know that you’re going to come across an incredibly large buffet of esotericsm and sometimes it is mind-bending, other times it is questionable, sometimes it can be purposeful disinfo or sometimes info may come through what I like to call a “muddy channel,” or a person who has clairvoyant talent but carries a lot of personal distortions that influence/color the information.
Some resources that I have bookmarked:
These two books by Cal Newport, one of the best authors on productivity and discipline.
Deep Work
So Good They Can't Ignore You
And also, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
Aaaand, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
For mindset, I also recommend The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. It'll teach you to choose your battles carefully, although you can find most of that content in his site.
The Subtle Art of not giving a fuck by Mark Manson
Many of the books mentioned in this thread borrow from the basic tenets of Stoicism. Mark Manson's book is almost a distillation of the idea of "How to be a stoic" and his writing is very relatable.
Other than not giving a fuck? Not really...
Face it, it will continue to happen, nothing you can do about that, so the question is why do you actually care about them? A good point to start I suppose - first learn WHY they still annoy you, and then work on that...
Perfect answer to this
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
I lurk here for advice on how to deal with people in my life.
My atheist friend described us "Christian folk" (such a cute title) as bad with boundaries. It is very true.
The Boundaries book was really helpful to me and remains so.
When I mention my work in trying to build better boundaries, my Mom will say it sounds cold. 😔
Christians generally want to be loving to everyone and narcs can easily use that to manipulate.
Edit to add Amazon link Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KVpBCbVBAFVCD
(I support World Vision with Amazon Smile)
"How about I leap with my imperfection"...
​
I like how this dovetails really, really well with the idea that procrastination is a challenge of emotional management. You don't overcome challenges by not being challenged. And to be challenged, to risk failure, can be emotionally difficult. Self-compassion, then, says it's not abnormal to be afraid, so it's completely reasonable to be afraid to rise up to the challenge, and, instead of chastising ourselves for it, we should accept the fear and nurture ourselves; it also says that everybody feels fear, so we're not alone and we can actually connect with others from our experience. Take the leap with my imperfection, and feel compassion for ourselves as we take that leap.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524796923&sr=8-1&keywords=the+art+of+not+giving+a+fck
great read
This is a great book that has a lot of these tricks and more, all broken down and explained! I love it!
101 Dog Tricks: Step by Step Activities to Engage, Challenge, and Bond with Your Dog https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592533256/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_K0uDDbJ019R7T
Don't think about a pink elephant.
Forget about the fact that your heart is beating.
Don't become aware that your nose is actually in your field of vision.
I'm sure that you failed miserably at all these tasks. Our minds work a bit paradoxically when it comes to influencing our thoughts. Much of what we experience as thought is merely what we are holding in our conscious awareness. Because of this, trying to 'not' have certain feelings or thoughts usually makes us have them even more frequently. Then as we become more frustrated and anxious these thoughts become a perpetual cycle of negativity and distress.
So, what are some practical solutions to this conundrum?
Well, like most issues concerning the mind, you cannot always tackle the problem head on. If the mind is a house then the front and back door are heavily locked, better to climb in through a window.
The best modern school of thought that I have found to offer practical solutions to these sort of problems is CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy. (Learning about this therapy actually led me to discovering Stoic philosophy I might add!). CBT, much like stoicism, suggests that much of our distress is the result of irrational thoughts and behaviors. It offers quite a few scientifically backed exercises and techniques for combating such troubling thoughts.
Here are a few quick CBT techniques that have helped me tremendously.
Whew, hope that helps. If your interested in learning more about using CBT for everyday life I highly recommend picking up a copy of The Happiness Trap
TLDR; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is fucking awesome!
Had a really frustrating work trip a few weeks ago In the airport on the way back I saw this book:
The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1
It is really good, I enjoyed it.
The idea that some fans are true and some are fairweather or bandwagon fans is just a way for some people to feel better about themselves. They want to feel like their sacrifice for their team was meaningful in some way, and they try to elevate their status by pushing everyone else down.
You don't have to sit through 2 decades of shit seasons to call yourself a Seahawks fan. Hell, you can even be a Bears fan and a Seahawks fan at the same time. Some people will get bent out of shape and try to make you feel like shit for it. I strongly recommend that you learn how to not give a fuck. There is no reason you need to justify why you like the hawks to people that would shit on you anyway.
Go ahead, call yourself a hawks fan. Let people hate you for it. Fuck them, they don't matter one bit.
Hey buddy, I have been on both the sides, one half of the college I had the same feelings as you, and other half i was the President,member and had dozens of meetings to attend and conduct.
I think it was a fundamental shift in my mentality where I wanted to take control of my life, instead of just cribbing. Join a club, volunteer somewhere, learn music, but whatever you do - promise yourself that you'll do it for 6 months no matter how much you hate it or it doesn't interest you.
These things matter not because of their value on resume, but building social circles, interacting with people from different places builds your character. And what you've said about depression, hang in there buddy, things always get better.
I would suggest reading this book: https://www.amazon.in/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving/dp/0062641549
Hi! Psych major + bookworm over here. Some well written and accessible books that I've enjoyed reading are:
Thinking Fast and Slow from Kahneman http://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375192703&sr=8-1&keywords=kahneman+thinking+fast+and+slow
Willpower: discovering the greatest human strength by Baumeister http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375192853&sr=1-1&keywords=willpower
And Outliers by Gladwell http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375192928&sr=1-2&keywords=10000+hours
Baumeister and Kahneman are the leading figures on the research done within their particalur fields and these books show a glimpse inside of the kitchen, so to speak. (Iḿ not 100% sure about Gladwell, Iḿ on my phone atm). The books are well written, accessible, entertaining and fascinating.
I suggest you pick up the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. It should help you understand your parents' motivations as well as how to handle the situation.
As you are an adult: respecting your dad doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions. Honoring your parents doesn't mean they are allowed to control you. You will likely have to sit down with them and have some difficult conversations. You can do this in a loving and respectful manner, while at the same time setting healthy boundaries.
/u/jonathan_c asks if you're still living with them. If you are, and you can't work things out through respectful discussion, it may be worth getting your own place. This may be painful, but keep in mind that you can't control how your parents react--only how you act.
First, you're not alone. I was in my early 30's when I lost my faith and it took me 2 years to get over the depression and existential vacuum that Joe's lies left behind.
I was able to eventually work my way through it without meds or any serious counseling, but it was a grueling couple of years. Everyone has to figure out their own path, but what helped me most was reading from others who had faced the same existential vacuum and found a way to navigate it. A few titles that I would highly recommend are:
The above, coupled with a lot of patience, exercise, sleep, and proper diet got me through my deep existential crisis. The existentialism still shows up now and then, but it's totally manageable. Good luck to you! You'll have good days and worse days, but stick with it!--I promise it gets better!
Man that sucks. I know you hate that job so I really hope you can find another one soon. That is probably what is causing this crushing depression because you have to deal with it (the job) on a daily damn basis.
I guess the only upside, if you can call it that, is to realize that once you do get out of that job the depression will lift.
Recently a friend of mine recommended a book to me, it's called The subtle art of not giving a fuck.... and said it was the best book because it basically teaches you how to deal with negative shit without letting it wreck your entire mood and existence. She recommended it to me because I also have a situation that depresses me that I need to deal with, so I plan to get this book very soon. Maybe it would be a good read for you too? It got a lot of amazing reviews.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1540213338&sr=8-2&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson
Good luck. BTW congrats on the sobriety. At least you got that.... and the exercise and other positive things too.
How long have you been with him/her? I was married to one (currently separated) and she is absolutely fine lying and cheating on me. As a psychologist friend said: "Lacking empathy is common in bipolar .... [snipped] .... is really some chemical imbalance that makes bipolar perceive world in a warped sense of reality that does not fit with generally accepted values".
You still are in love with your ex and it is OK to remain in love with them. The vacant space you're feeling only means there is room for next person to fill it. There comes a time when you need to separate love from relationship, the illness from the person.
The thought you could have had a rosy future and a great marriage was never there. It wasn't real to begin with. Letting go of the fantasy is the first step to moving on. A relationship generally starts great but the good bits with the ugly parts is what constitute a real relationship. With bipolar, they can be extremely nice to you and turn cold the next minute.
Are you sure you can live with their spending spree, irrational thoughts, mood swings, lack of empathy, infidelity (hypersexuality), delusions, grandiosity and to top it off, they can turn violent or harm themselves? How about not being able to sleep well (due to hyper vigilance) next to a bipolar for the rest of your life? You haven't been through what I had past 18 years - like being exposed to possible STD from SO's unprotected sex romp behind my back and having 6 months of anxiety until the STD test clears me.
As Mark Manson wrote "In life, our f&cks must be spent on something. There really is no such thing as not giving a f&ck. The question is simply how we each choose to allot our f&cks. You only get a limited number of f&cks to give over your lifetime, so you must spend them with care." His book is #1 in a few Amazon's category. Worth a read IMHO.
Hang in there. Time will heal you, get support from friends, family or therapy.
> I really don't want to give up on standard, as I really enjoy this game, but should I compromise my personal feelings in order to achieve better results?
Eh, if you're not into the deck you are playing, you will always put up subpar results because you will not achieve a "flow state". Flow (http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0061339202) is essential for maximum performance in any game or sport.
I'd suggest that you just scour more videos, articles and mtgtop8 results until you find something that appeals to you. Proxy/use tappedout. What appealed to you most about Jund decks of last standard? They don't play the same, but there's a number of competitive Walker builds out there, and IMO Nissa seems criminally underplayed rightnow after making a big splash before rotation.
I have also been struggling to find a deck I like until I settled on Mardu Midrange very recently and am really enjoying it.
Yes, exactly. Like any sport such as tennis, or any hobby for example where you feel connected to the device. It's called "flow" and a great book on the subject is this:
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1540489702&sr=8-2
As much as I want to agree with this, I've always found the whole dictum of 'discipline' to be kinda... lacking. Let me tell you an anecdote.
if I'm good at anything in my entire life, it's probably programming. I've been doing it for 15 years or so. I've made popular games, websites, worked for multiple companies, gainful employment, open source projects with hundreds of thousands of downloads, blah blah blah. Not trying to brag, just trying to get across the point that I am indeed competent.
Anyways, I hear people on Reddit saying that you need discipline and that you should just force yourself to do it even if you don't want to. Thing is, did I use discipline to get as good as I am at programming?
No.
I do programming because I enjoy it. Programming is one of the most fun activities that I do. Heck, I was programming just now (at 2AM) before I switched over to Reddit to troll some people - err, I mean respond to your post. :) Just doing some fun little side work, and enjoying myself. There's nothing disciplined about what I was doing. I didn't force myself to open up my IDE. I just did, because it's fun. This is 100% the essence of what makes me a good programmer.
And so when I see everyone on Reddit saying that discipline is the way to enlightenment, I get sad. Because if I had followed that ideology instead of doing the stuff that I enjoy, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Humans aren't robots. If you take a guy and force him to do with discipline an activity he isn't really enjoying, he's still not going to enjoy it. He'll feel bad that he doesn't like it, and he'll get distracted and disappointed in himself for getting distracted, and etc etc.
If you take a guy and let him do an activity he wants to do, you won't have to force him or make him disciplined. He'll just do it automatically and get good at it.
The great thing about it is that you can really learn to enjoy almost any activity by learning how to get into flow state while doing it. There's been a couple of good books written on it.
Now if Reddit had chosen to focus on flow, rather than discipline, as the way to get good and steady improvements, then that would have been awesome! But they didn't, and that makes me disappointed. Not to write off discipline entirely, as it's important to know that not every time you do something is going to be as amazing as the first time. And discipline can sometimes lead to flow states.
The problem is that Reddit seems to celebrate 'forcing yourself to work'. That, to me, is incredibly dumb. If you're not enjoying your work, that means that something about your workflow is incorrect and needs to be fixed. It's like trying to continue to drive with a flat tire. Eventually you could cause damage if you don't figure out what's going on.
Anyone who does that is going to get rapidly surpassed by people that don't need to force themselves to do anything because they do it for the love of it.
Tenho TOC, o que mais me incomodava eram os pensamentos intrusivos, as vezes eu via claramente eu matando as pessoas, mesmo da família, eram pensamentos bem gráficos, não só pessoas como animais também. Tenho tiques também, seja de olhar pro relógio e ver alguns números, ou colocar e tirar e colocar e tirar e colocar e tirar a chave do buraco da porta ou do carro, apagar e acender luzes, movimentos com os olhos, e mais um monte de coisa, inclusive escrever, apagar e escrever de novo, se for a mão, eu reescrevo em cima, meu caderno sempre foi cheio de palavras com a escrita grossa devido as repetições. Pensamentos que me via agarrando as pessoas e tascando-lhes beijos calientes, mesmo com minha vó, era só eu conversar com alguém que aquele pensamento vinha, podia ser meus pais, meu professor, qualquer pessoa que eu conversasse, o pensamento vinha. Ou até mesmo os pensamentos sexuais, seja na rua, seja onde for, eles apareciam, era só ver um rabo de saia e lá estava meu pensamento.
Uns 2-3 anos atrás comecei a me interessar como funcionava a mente, comecei a ler sobre Flow, porém não terminei, o livro é cheio de explicações que eu não entendia nada. Depois fui indo mais pro lado da meditação e mindfulness, comecei a ler sobre também, li esse que me abriu bem a cabeça em relação aos pensamentos e medos (muita gente pode falar "AH MAS É AUTO AJUDA", eu sei, mas pra quem ta na merda, qualquer coisa pode ajudar) hoje leio esse livro, é voltado tanto para pacientes como para terapeutas, ele explica bastante coisa sobre ansiedade, medos, tem exercícios também, fala bastante de mindfulness que seria atenção plena, tem bastante livro sobre isso, estou nele há um bom tempo já, mas quero ir até o final.
Cheguei a ler um livro sobre TOC mesmo, depois de ler os outros, esse chegou em hora certa para mim, como eu já sabia mais ou menos como o TOC agia em mim, eu lia as coisas e pensava "po, o cara em tal livro tinha falado disso", só que eu não conseguia ver como usar aquilo no TOC, eu recomendo MUITO esse livro pra quem tem TOC.
Hoje faço tratamento com fluoxetina (luvox 150mg) e psicoterapia, eu comecei a fazer e não estava em crise, já estava tomando o remédio há uns 3 meses, a terapeuta mesmo diz que hoje eu estou super bem, e eu mesmo percebo isso (eu também tinha fobia social). Acho que o auto conhecimento é super importante quando você se trata de um distúrbio mental, pra saber como como ele funciona e poder reagir a ele.
A minha terapeuta fala bastante de não se deixar levar pelos pensamentos, de estar sempre presente. Eu quando começo a pensar em coisas que sei que não são reais, ou são dúvidas do TOC, eu falo pra mim mesmo que aquilo não é real e é fruto do TOC. O que me ajuda bastante também é identificar o que é TOC e o que não é, assim eu sei quando devo me preocupar com alguma coisa ou não.
Se quiser conversar mais só mandar mp.
TLDR: Contei minha trajetória na minha guerra contra o TOC, recomendei livros e como faço pra evitar me levar pelos pensamentos.
Reminds me of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck"
I can understand why you're getting frustrated with other people's responses so I'm going to suggest some practical steps that start with easy and safe actions. Read this book and this book. After the second book, start practicing mindfulness meditation regularly. Also start exercising regularly if you don't already and learn a bit about nutrition and eating healthier. These are all evidence backed ways for you to feel better about yourself and deal with problems you have socially. As a side note, I know it's a cliche thing to say, but looks aren't everything. Practice good hygiene, wear clothes that fit and don't underestimate what a bit of confidence and self-deprecating humour can do for your level of attractiveness. Better confidence will come by following the above steps.
People adapt to both positive and negative events, and their happiness levels are not affected as much by circumstances as one would expect. This was famously shown in "Lottery winners and accident victims: is happiness relative?" . This is known as "Hedonic Adaptation". The popular psychology book Stumbling on Happiness by Dan Gilbert goes into this and many other surprising findings in happiness research.
I very much recommend reading "The Willpower Instinct" by Kelly McGonigal. The book examines what happens in the brain when faced with situations where we have to exert willpower to avoid temptations, whether involving food, finances, cigarettes, sex, etc. I can't tell you how helpful it's been to be able to recognize when my brain is trying to mess with me, and moreover to work to make sure I prepare for that so I'm less likely to give in at those ties.
Here's a link to a google talk she did which goes over some material from the book.
Oh darling I want to give you a big hug. Staring into a mirror and obsessing over every perceived flaw will only magnify them so it becomes all you can see. It's a very unhealthy thing to do and is really going to distort your body image. If you then compare it to the fake images carefully selected for social media then of course you will come up short. I'm sure you are much more attractive than you give yourself credit for. But most importantly you are you and you are a person deserving of love and worthy in your own right.
I would echo to stay away from social media and work on your self esteem and self love. Spend time developing interests you enjoy and do them instead of staring into mirrors, I would even go so far as to remove mirrors from your bedroom or wherever you spend most of your time. Take the focus away from your image.
I would really recommend some mindfulness to help calm your anxiety. This book really helped me, the daily meditations are short (5-10 minutes) so not a big time commitment but can gave big results.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X1
Check out Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman, if you haven't already.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400078393
It's a Cognitive Behavioral Technique that uses the acronym ABCD.
For example:
Adversity: I set a boundary, and my wife gave me a huge test.
Belief: Her test means I didn't set the boundary right. I did something wrong.
Consequence: I replay it over and over in my head and get emotionally wrapped up.
Disputation: Her test is just her being a woman. It has nothing to do with the way I set the boundary. I did nothing wrong.
What if 5 years from now you want a house for yourself? You will not be able to get a second mortgage. Will you kick out your brother to sell that house? You might benefit from reading this book http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
Over the past several years I've personally gravitated toward a blend of stoicism and "secular Christianity." I know many others go the route of secular Buddhism (Noah Rasheta, who is also an exMo runs secularbuddhism.com which you might want to check out) and others (most?) simply go the route of ethical hedonism.
I personally gravitated toward stoicism because it isn't a religion and has no real religious underpinning. Instead, it's normally referred to as just a "philosophy of life." It has worked well for me as a backfill to religion. You'll also find that different people have different views of what it means to "practice" stoicism, so it's nice in that you can kind of adapt it to fit your personal preferences.
Here are some recommendations if you want to look into it:
Aside from stoicism, studying and learning about philosophy in general has been a huge cushion for me in dealing with the existential crisis that often follows losing belief in Mormonism. Google the Philosophize This! podcast and start at episode 1 if you're interested. It's great. I also really enjoy the Philosophy Bites podcast. Other than the above, the following were also very helpful to me in finding a approach to life without "God" and without religion:
All of the above combined with a few long years of figuring things out got me to a good place. But everyone's journey is different, so do what you think will work best for you...and good luck!
>Where do you draw the line between religion and superstitious nonsense? Frankly, I'm having a difficult time separating them at all. Too many people say, "I don't understand how that works, therefore God."
There are principles for reasonable belief. The three I can think of are:
>Assuming that Christianity is correct, how can one know with a little more certainty? I'm willing to make a leap of faith, but without some credible evidence, it's like trying to ford the Mississippi river. Can we bring it a little closer to "caulk the wagon and float it across?"
Short answer: yes. Long answer: yes, but it's going to require some research on your part, and by research I don't mean a few google searches. Books can be a good friend. Some others here may be able to recommend good books about the historicity of Jesus and the church, but I tend to favor the philosophical and metaphysical.
>Assuming there exists some evidence sufficient to convince me of Christianity's veracity, which version is correct and how can one know? Or does it really matter, since every Christian church agrees on the most important points?
It's incredible unlikely that any given church is correct on every single point of doctrine. The best you can do is take up the protestant ethic by studying for yourself to see which doctrines appear to be the most reasonable. Looking for the "correct" church is a red herring, in my opinion.
Examining your faith can be a very rewarding experience, even if you end up becoming atheist/agnostic. Just don't take in more than you think you are ready for.
Ishmael - If you ever wondered what it would be like to be a telepathic gorilla, this will probably give you the closest answer.
The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking - The INTP Toolbox.
The Willpower Instinct - Because we all know we could use a bit more of it around here...
Emotional Vampires - A survival guide to protect your Fe
How To Create A Mind - Since it's ultimately the only thing we really seem to care about, it's interesting to think how we could theoretically create a 'backup' for it eventually
The Talent Code - In case you haven't quite figured out how to go about mastering skills yet.
Hi, 31M, fighting depression, acute social anxiety disorder and suicidal tendencies. I am doing good now. Had a scare a few months ago when a close family member fell really ill, and I really started to put in the effort to turn my life around. It is a work in progress, but I am doing well. My advice:
Some more reading: If you want to know how meditation helps the mind, read the best book on cognitive therapy:Feeling Good | David Burns.
For instructions on breathing and mindfulness meditation, there are many great resources online. Also check out /r/Meditation.
I leave you with this song: Get up! Be good. PM me if you need anything.
>1,100 calories daily, and burning off 600 or so of that every other day
Do less. I don't mean eat less, I mean do less. 1,100 calories is not really enough for anyone, let alone for someone 5'9". Some calculations for a female, 5'9" weighing 230lbs (don't know your age so I put in 25, and no bf% guess entered either) estimates a BMR of 1856 (this would be how much you burn just lying in bed being alive) and even sedentary activity level is a TDEE of 2227 (that's with general day to day activity like walking around and sitting upright), so at a 500kcal deficit we're talking 1700kcal and at a 1000kcal deficit we're still talking 1227kcal. On a day that you were burning an extra 600 that means you were burning a total of ~2800kcal and only eating 1100kcal to replenish - no wonder you had hunger pangs and all that jazz. So don't push quite so hard, make it more sustainable. The whole "eating at a deficit that I'm always hungry" is why so many people fail diets - they try too hard, they're hungry and miserable, they give up.
Self control gets you started, but it's unreasonable to expect yourself to ALWAYS practice self control/willpower, so you need to just make it so dead simple, and a habit, that it's just easier to do it than it is to fall off the wagon.
You say you lost your self control and motivation, but those should be intrinsic, they need to come from inside yourself. You were depressed, you lost a friend, and you started eating in excess - did that in any way make you happier? Did you really feel any better while or after eating that large pizza? I'm suspecting the answer is NO, and that's the thing. From all those years you've convinced yourself that when you are unhappy or sad that eating will make you happy, but it doesn't, it just makes things worse. You have to reprogram your brain and this will take time.
From here I can only suggest what I know helped me - two non-diet/health/fitness books: The Willpower Instinct and Self Compassion (or maybe I liked The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion better, I can't remember which was which now)
I wish you the best. Acknowledging that there is a problem and having an awareness of it are the first and most important steps.
People should read this book. My therapist recommended it to me after we had a talk about how BS it is to try and be happy 100% of the time. Was a damn good read and turned my outlook around on some things.
Um, he's a seven month old labrador who sounds woefully under stimulated. Time to wear his brain out, if you can't wear his body out.
TRAINING
As for training, if you are really against going to puppy class, I'd pick up a book. I think an easy to read/follow book is; 51 Puppy Tricks. It's well written and easy to follow--... it does a great job of explaining tricks in levels, and has some cool ones in there. I have this book and I refer to it for ideas. There is also '101 dog tricks'
Some tips about training;
Socialization is the most IMPORTANT PART of a dogs life. From 8-12 weeks you should be DEDICATED to socializing your puppy. DEDICATED. There is nothing worse than a dog that was not socialized properly and now is aggressive or scared. These are the dogs that get surrendered to shelters. SOCIALIZE YOUR PUPPY -- with everything. Now, socialization does not mean your puppy has to interact, just that she needs to be exposed to the item.
NEVER, EVER, EVER use something as a toy ou don't want your puppy to eventually chew one. This means that OLD SHOES, TOWELS, ETC are out of the question. Do not use them. You can't give your puppy and old shoe and then get MAD when they chew on your new shoes :) ...
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me. I would be more than happy to give you advice, and/or make a video for you on showing the training.
I was diagnosed RRMS in Feb 2002. I was re-diagnosed in Feb 2017 with Secondary Progressive. When you said this:
> how am I supposed to accept this new reality? I suppose I just sort of have to? Not like I have a choice in the matter... I guess it takes time.
It just hit me, again, hard. I am into this thing for a LONG time now, and I am still adjusting. I am still accepting the new normal.
I wish I could give you a better answer. I recently finished the Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck
It's the usual blend of BS pop psych and what not, but one thing really really hit me: You cannot accept responsibility for what happens. You can only take responsibility for how you react to it.
I have good days. I have bad days.
I have a ton of spinal lesions, and most of my MS stuff is below the waist. When I was DXed with the secondary progressive, the doctor said he didn't really understand how I still walked without aid or a wheel chair.
Anyway, for years I had horrid shitting problems. Explosive, violent, painful and horrific shits. Like something HR Geiger would draw. Perhaps Jackson Pollack if instead of Oils he used poop.
This week, I had to have a colonoscopy. Everyone talks about how awful the prep is. How disgusting, how painful and how gross.
Well, let me tell you--- Compared to my MS Shits, this was nothing. I could do that every day--- fuck, twice a day, rather than have one of my MS Shit 'Splosions
It made me realize, again, that we deal with our MS, our issues and our symptoms as best we can. That what we have does become a new normal.
That something we deal with everyday is both a new normal--- and an old horrible.
But it makes us so strong.
I am an Atheist but I grew up Old-School Jewish.
Yet, I love this good old line, I think it may be from the Jesuits.
No one is given a cross to heavy for them to carry.
Good luck, I hope my ramblings weren't too, well, rambly--- and feel free to PM me as the journey of MS takes you down its weird and wild path.
Boundaries
Set them.
EDIT: Or, spend money on pre-marriage couples counseling. Not the wedding, not one dollar.
Yes, and I was completely baffled to see the link gives no reference or credit to the man who has done much of this research. Just because his name is damn near impossible to spell is no reason not to credit the author. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi - Flow
Sounds like you're in a flow state, which is awesome. A couple books you might like:
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
The Rise of Superman: Decoding the Science of Ultimate Human Performance
You are not alive so that you may entertain yourself as much as possible and then die. You are meant for more. The search for more- discovering, then rediscovering why you're here, what your gifts are, this will last your whole life.
Discipline helps you accomplish something. But you need to figure out what to accomplish. The good and bad news is nobody knows. This is yours, and everyone's internal journey.
Use your gifts, involve other people. Are you a good singer? Sing for others. Are you a good cook? Cook for others. Are you strong? Help people move. Are you smart? Create an app, invest wisely, cure a disease. Are you really good at shooting a rubber-band from your fingers? Make youtube videos about it. Perform for sick kids in hospitals. It doesn't matter how big or small your gifts are. Share them.
I will give you an example from my life. I'm in my early 30's. I'm a good writer and speaker. My goal in life is to help others feel less alone. My strong social senses are insight and empathy. I like making others laugh, I like challenging regularly accepted ideas and tinkering with fringe ideas. So- I write friends letters, emails, Facebook messages to connect with them. I write funny personal essays and read around my city/online. I exercise to be confident/attractive (enough) to the opposite sex. I volunteer at Special Olympics coaching soccer. I seek out people going through hard times and connect with them, look them in the eyes and allow them to be who they are. I volunteer at the skid row mission. All of this helps and strengthens my soul. But for money, I program. I chose programming because I can enter Flow states during it, so even though it's work and can often suck, it can be really rewarding. Read Flow and design aspects of your life around it: https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202. It's taken me my entire life to figure all of this stuff out about myself, and I'm still learning and growing. One day I may hate all of this.
Let me give you some examples of where I lack discipline: I wanted to write a book 5 years ago. I started it, never finished. Discipline will help me finish it, but knowing myself was what allowed me to know I had the ability to write and something worth saying. Also, some days I just play video games for 10 hours. I ignore everything. Discipline helps limit/reduce those days.
I want you to think about the idea of production and consumption. When you watch TV/Youtube, you are consuming. Reading a book, consuming. Eating pizza, consuming. If you make your parents spaghetti, you're producing. Paint a picture, producing. Arrange flowers into a bouquet and then give them to someone, producing. Find a good balance in your life between these things. Everyone is different. The fact that you wrote this post makes me think you're a little high on consumption and a little low on production. Decide how you're going to change, then use discipline to execute those changes.
I tell people this a lot, and it really depends on the person, but I'll try to make a list! To focus on ourselves basically means to better our confidence and our general well-being. Focusing on ourselves is basically keeping busy while improving ourselves at the same time. Because at the end of the day, we can't rely on others to lift us up. It helps to have people there, but we will always have ourselves. Focusing on ourselves means just living our lives and not worrying about trying to find another person to help fill the empty void in our hearts, but at the same time, while doing our own thing and just living life, this is when we may meet other people or potential future partners along the way. So either way, it's a win-win situation.
I know there's so much more you can do, but I hope some of these can help for now! Basically just go out there and live your life and have as much fun as possible.
I don't know if it's considered a personal development book, but I really enjoyed reading The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson, it's a great self-help book.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck - Mark Manson
I mean, he's not a licensed psychologist or anything and therefore lacks some credibility. Nevertheless, I really did enjoy reading it and he does have some good points. Other than that it is just quite fun to read.
Hell, some people would probably rage and be all like "He doesn't know what he's talking about!!!" but those people need to read the book.
I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7gE4BbB2R5DZY
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_giE4BbJ3RKFRN
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553386395/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VhE4BbQ84219T
Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below
https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/boundaries/amp
Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others
*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mrE4BbHBCFCS6
Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.
...man, do I suck at boundaries!
Whenever I see posts like this I recommend this book (not necessarily stoic). It's basic premise is that its all in your head and with the right attitude you can find enjoyment (even fulfillment) from something as mundane as folding the laundry.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=flow+book&qid=1557777574&s=gateway&sr=8-1
I suggest reading Mark Manson's The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck & Models: Attract Women Through Honesty.
I'm currently reading The Willpower Instinct, which is also suggested in the link for the book that you describe. It's an awesome book, and so far would recommend it to anyone. I'll make sure to check Baumesiter's when I finish this one.
This is awesome!! I love Jane McGonigal! Her twin sister Kelly teaches a course at Stanford about willpower and she wrote a great book called The Willpower Instinct.
Be prepared: long read ahead.
The exercises I do are based on the premise that thoughts affect emotions which in turn can affect our actions. This is the basis of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and a lot of other therapies that grew out of, or were developed after, CBT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy comes to mind). So if thoughts are the “root” it’s probably a good place to start.
Start writing down the thoughts you have, particularly the negative ones that trouble you. "I'm stupid", "I'm worthless", "No one cares about me" etc… Sometimes it helps to start with an event that troubles you and work backwards from there. An example:
Keep drilling down until you feel what I call a punch in the gut, an internal feeling or sensation that says "yep, this thought feels very real to me". 90% of the time the root thought is something about yourself and can be verbalized in the form of "I AM ___"
Now start challenging each thought in turn. Is this really true? How do I know for sure? Is there some objective measure or have I used a subjective measure? Who said this is true and are they an expert? Is there any evidence that supports this thought? Am I over-looking other evidence that could lead to other conclusions? What other conclusions can I draw? Is this thought true everywhere and all the time?
Look for cognitive distortions in your thoughts. Here’s a helpful PDF with some cognitive distortions.
Here are some free worksheets that describe the process better (which they call ABCD Analysis):
Here’s a link to a comment I made a while back where I give more links to CBT material. If you're interested.
If you’re happy with the results, you can stop here. However just to add on, I’ve been doing some Mindfulness Meditation & Exercises lately and have also been reading up on Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT). For those interested in a practical introduction to ACT for the layman check out The Happiness Trap
Anyway, I have personally found it helpful to bring Mindfulness & Acceptance into the ABCD Analysis. When doing the ABCD Analysis there is a strong human tendency to make certain thoughts & emotions "bad" while holding other thoughts & emotions as "good". The problem with using such polar opposite labels is that the natural human tendency is to run away from the "bad" thoughts and chase after the "good" ones. And we do all sorts of things to run from the bad and chase the good: get angry or frustrated when we have a "bad" thought, repeat positive affirmations ad-infinitum, pump ourselves up with motivation, "plow through" with positive thinking etc...
I'm not saying any of this is wrong or ineffective, I'm just speaking from my personal experience: running from the "bad" and chasing the "good" is tiring!
With Mindfulness & Acceptance, I'm seeing that my thoughts have no inherent power or meaning. A thought like "I am a failure" is a bunch of letters on the screen. Or a disembodied voice in my head. Or an image in my imagination. It is the same with any and all thoughts. They have no inherent meaning or power other than what I give them. This also means that I cannot label some as "bad" and others as "good"; only if thoughts had meaning can I do that.
(On a sidenote, The Happiness Trap has some very good exercises to help separate the thought from the meaning we’ve given the thought)
When I'm running from "bad" thoughts and chasing "good" thoughts, I'm doing so because of the inherent meaning I've given them: "bad" thoughts are "bad" while "good" thoughts are "good". Can you see that the meaning I myself gave these thoughts is what's really running my life? (no pun intended)
If all thoughts are empty of power and empty of meaning, they are in a sense "equal". And there is a temptation to say "since they're all equal, it doesn't matter what thoughts I have so I'm going to choose the ones I like". In my opinion, this is still giving meaning to the thoughts because I will likely choose the thoughts I've labeled "good".
So now what? Here is where I pull out my list of life projects that are meaningful to me. If you’ve never spent time thinking about what would make your life worth living I encourage you to start. And write stuff down. Call it your Life Project list, Dream List, Bucket List.... whatever. This is your personal list of goals, milestones, achievements and projects that will leave you fulfilled.
Pick one of your projects, any one of them. Then ask "who do I need to be in order to progress towards this goal by the end of the day?" Then take action and write reminders for yourself if you need it.
As an example, I did the ABCD Analysis this morning and here are the major thoughts:
The ABCD analysis alone would've been sufficient but applying Mindfulness & Acceptance I chose that I wanted to experience Joy by the end of the day. A life without joy doesn’t sound like much fun to me :)
I build websites for a living and work from home. So I wrote the following on a Post-It and stuck it to my screen where I'm likely to see it:
"What is 1 thing I can be joyful about in ____?"
The blank is for whatever activity I was doing when I saw the Post-It. So it could read:
So does all this help? Well, I’m pretty happy this evening. Is this all just a self-fulfilling prophecy or priming? Maybe, I don't really know. But living my life fulfilled is important to me that as long as I'm doing it in accordance with my value, and I'm not hurting anyone in the process, then I think it's a pretty sweet deal.
It's worth noting that there are some newer approaches that are, in my opinion, an improvement over CBT. Best examples would be ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy; book: The Happiness Trap) and schema therapy (book: Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns). There's also functional analytic psychotherapy ("FAP"), which makes for quite the meme.
Mindfulness can help you gain some distance from these thoughts. Don't try to make the thoughts go away, that usually strengthens them. Instead learn to observe the thoughts passing thru your mind without completely buying them.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT is a great help in this. I recommend the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris
No therapy is probably going to make this harder. Have you looked into anti anxiety medication with your GP? Even if it's to get the edge off while you try to work things out?
​
Anyways, fellow depression/anxiety/lashes out when stressed sufferer here. There's a couple of things that have helped for me:
- Build alternative communication skills. One of my biggest problems was that I didn't know how to properly voice my issues with my SO or anybody else for that matter. My first method of action was being passive aggressive or snide. When I realized what I was doing, I jumped to the other extreme and bottled it all up. Can't ruin things if you're not saying anything, amiright?! But then that would just explode later and cause more problems. A book that helped me very much is Crucial Conversations. It speaks about the thinking fallacies people tend to have (choosing between being honest and being nice), common communication mistakes and a step by step plan on how you can bring hard topics to the table. I use these basics in normal conversations too, when the "stakes" aren't as high. Having an alternative method for me to switch to, instead of my old ones, really helped.
- Change your internal narrative. Another thing that has been absolutely exhausting to deal with is the constant internal monologue about not being good enough, nice enough, kind enough. I should, I need to, if I was a great person I would... If you constantly beat yourself down, you stay down and words have meaning and a certain weight on their own. If I keep telling myself that I suck and I was an idiot for doing xyz, that feeling will stay. I would strongly advice reading A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. It's a bit of an old book, but I felt like they guy described perfectly what goes on inside my head. By telling yourself that you did something "less than ideal" instead of "incredibly stupid" you kind of take the edge off the situation. I know it sounds stupid, but I've been trying to get into the habit of this and found that after a while I went from having a meltdown of "OMG HOW COULD I BE SUCH AN IDIOT, I WILL NEVER LEARN?!" to facepalming, sighing at myself and be very firm in doing better next time. The energy I save with that, that I would otherwise have wasted, is very useful for other things.
- Change your external narrative. Words have a meaning and interpretations. Sometimes we're raised with ways of phrasing things and don't even realize what exactly it is we're saying. I found that I had a tendency of trying to subconsciously manipulate those around me through language. Basically shoving my feelings onto someone else, so they would make me feel better. Obviously things like bullying are big, clear markers, but there's a lot more subtle ways that people do it and don't even realize. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Elgin discusses how one would use language against others without being overly aggressive. It made me realize how people were actually manipulating me, but also how I was manipulating them. Have you ever used something like "Well, if you really loved me you would..." or "Even someone like you would understand...". Big communication nono's, but because they're not as aggressive like "You're a bitch" or "Get fucked", people tend to not notice them. By recognizing these patterns being used on you and you using themselves, you can stop using them but also learn tools on how to deal when someone uses them on you.
- Self reflect, self reflect, self reflect. Through my education I was forced to constantly look at my strong and weak points. I had to write assessments twice a year on what I did right and wrong, with proof. And believe me, if you either had an assessment that was all negative or all positive the teachers would have a talk with you about how well you were reflecting. Then after college I landed in a job where every year I had to do the exact darn thing. What had I learned this year? What did I improve since last year? What are my goals for next year? How do I plan to achieve those goals and why did I have those goals? What are reasonable, doable steps to not only achieve the goals, but to also improve some weaknesses? Again, and again, and again. It's hard to say you suck and can't do anything write and you don't have any good qualities when you're forced to look at yourself and point out what your good qualities are. You start usually with small or general things like "well... I'm always on time to work" or "well... I don't maim animals." While I learned this through circumstances, a friend recommended Acceptance: Time to Self-Reflect for Personal Growth by Dr. Olivia Miller as a good starting point. Where are you at now and where do you want to be next year around this time? How are you planning on getting there? What are small, reasonable steps to get there?
- Get to know yourself. Last tip I can give you is that YOU focus on YOU first. Do you have a clear self image of who you are? What do you want in life? What are your likes and dislikes? What would your ideal self and world be 2, 5, 10 years from now? Would you want to be a successful writer? Would you rather have traveled the globe? Or be a doctor, communication expert at a company, mother of 2 kids, have 2 dogs and a cat? People who don't have a clear outline of who they are, tend to be less secure and more often to lash out to others. Having a relationship with someone, while you don't like or know yourself tends to be a disaster. Because people will tend to try and get an identity or validation through the other person to feel good. Then when that other person does something away from the partner (like go on an outing with friends, talk to another person of the opposite gender or just not pick up the phone) the partner become insecure and might lash out because of it. This combines with the self reflecting, who ARE you? What do YOU want? Things like self confidence and high self esteem are nice and dandy, but they can't exist if you don't have a good idea of who you are. Start with looking at yourself first, before looking at your SO. Start small: what food do you like and dislike? What's your favorite color? Favorite way of eating an egg? Then build up the scale: Do you want a pet? Cat or a dog or something completely different? How many? Go higher again: Do you want kids? If so, why and how many? Would you like to be married? Why or why not? And higher again: What do you look for in a spouse? What would your ideal career look like? Until you've got a clear picture of who you are.
Obviously there's a lot of other stuff you can do, but I'd start with those five and go from there.
I was 27.
At that point both my parents were gone and all of my grandparents were gone and I didn't have anyone left to protect me from her and her flying monkeys. I finally put her on speaker, surreptitiously, so that my friend could hear the stuff she was saying. His response was that's fucked. From there I started looking for resources on how to deal with her. I found two books Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. That's the first time I saw the word abuse used to describe what she was doing. I knew from about 6 that there was something wrong with her and I lived with all of her shit without ever understanding what was going on.
My wife comes from a terrible family. I didn't realize how bad it was before we got married. They just about ruined our marriage the first few years. But we learned to set some boundaries, and kept them. and we have had an amazing relationship since.
First get this book: http://amzn.to/1UMl0G7
It has some very christian undertones to it (great if you are christian, a bit much if you are not) BUT I have not found a better book on how to learn to set boundaries. then you and he set some serious boundaries with his mom. See if he is willing to keep those boundaries. If he lets them get broken over and over again, then probably need to step away. if he is able to keep them, you probably will have a great future together.
The Confidence Gap
The Chimp Paradox
Mindfulness
These are some great books, by some fantastic psychiatrists. All these can help with anxiety. The Chimp Paradox book especially is written by Dr Steve Peters, who worked with the British Cycling track team and helped Chris Hoy, Victoria Pendleton, etc become the top in their sport (though his book is not specifically for cycling).
Althought some people will be saying 'don't worry about it' or 'just enjoy it', these are particularly useless statements and (through not fault of their own) generally come from people who have never delt with mental help issues. If it was as easy as 'don't think about it', then you wouldn't have made this thread. These books are based on real scientific evidence and help you deal with the anxiety and not just push it away.
I would say that The Chimp Paradox is best for understanding why you're feeling anxious and the other two books are really good for practising how to deal with the anxiety.
I would recommend giving this a read: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1RMBFCYGYWLFK&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson&qid=1558913677&s=gateway&sprefix=the+subtle+%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-3
However, most of the positivity and optimism that I've gained over the last few months was due to recovering from heartbreak. Did a lot of soul searching and introspective work to figure things out for myself (as well as seeking out therapy). So, everything I've learned has been a mixed bag. What I can say to you is that you yourself, as a person, no matter how you view yourself, how you think people may see you, are enough. More than enough. Whatever little thing you do in your day to day has impact on the world around you. You may not know it, believe it, or even be aware of it but, it has worth. Remember, every footstep always makes an impression in the ground.
Give this book a try. If you want the epub/audiobook let me know. It did wonders for my ability to get up and do things that I want and need to do.
My buddy highly recommended that book to me, but I haven't given it a read yet. It's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life".
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
The power of your last paragraph is real. For those who need help with that, may I recommend a book?
This book by Mark Manson helped me a great deal: The Subtle Art of How not to Give a Fu*k
Some potential ideas...
I posted this in another comment chain but I thought you might specfically be interested.
> If anybody wants to read about the scientific basis behind this type of fatigue there is a pretty interesting book that came out relatively recently co-authored by a journalist and a scientist studying willpower.
> http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231#[1]
Just a few things that come to mind:
Self-Awareness> There are a lot of ways to work on this and most of them are worth trying. An effective goal might be to find some things that work for awhile, and prepare yourself to seek out other options when those don’t offer the same effectiveness. I’m pretty sure that when we dedicate the time to it, we provide ourselves with information that empowers us to make the decisions that bring about our idea of success.
Expectations> Most of us don’t want to fail. A lot of us feel like if we don’t meet the expectations that we’ve set for ourselves then we’re failures. This often causes some of us to avoid things that we feel we won’t “succeed” at. Hey, I’m not saying we shouldn’t set high goals for ourselves... but when we don't meet our expectations, maybe we could slowly get better at treating ourselves with the kind of love and encouragement that we would extend to our most loved of loved ones when they "fail."
Exercise> God damn it I hate exercise. I wore a button in fifth grade that said: I’m too out of shape to exercise. I’m thirty-nine now and I’ve still never had a consistent workout regimen. For a lot of us, this shit is probably harder than everything else we’ll consider in this thread. But there’s plenty of evidence to show that when the rest of our body is functioning at a more optimal level that we have more tools to work with, and that our tools are more effective. I hate exercise.
Group Discussion> Last year I attended an intensive outpatient group therapy program. This was my first experience with group therapy and I freaking love that shit. I learned that the gems to mine from this experience have very little to do with whoever is leading the group or which organization is providing the facility... as long as you feel like everyone is given the opportunity to share without reproach. Empathy is what it’s all about. The more courageous you are about sharing your struggles, the more empowered your fellow group members will be to do the same. When empathy is flowing freely most people are able to recognize some of their own cognitive distortions, AND help others find their own. Not every group is going to function well, but I think it’s well worth the effort to find on that does. You might start with looking into a DBSA group near you. My advice would be to look for one with 10-15 attendees. If you've got insurance that will cover it, you might check into an Intensive Outpatient Group Therapy program offered by a local hospital.
Books> These are just a few that have offered me some help—and a few that I just acquired but haven’t read yet.
Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength
Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain
Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice from the Best in the World
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Also, this is me patting you on the back lovingly and then turning it into a hug:
Did you feel it?
Disclaimer: I’m currently doing pretty poorly at all of these things.
Dopamine needs and ego depletion are strong contenders. Look up Baumeister for willpower research and you may find some answers that could enlighten you. This NY Times article is a good introduction to ego depletion, though it's not as specific as other willpower research by Baumeister and others. He just came out with a book not that long ago that I highly recommend as both a scientifically sound (I'm a PhD research student, so I'm VERY picky about mainstream science books) and realistically practical book.
Depression (of varying degrees) can also play a role. Many people are compulsive buyers when depressed, as the acquisition of new things triggers a dopamine response that helps to counter that depression.
Personally, I used to buy tons of iOS games. I think I had something like 180 on my device at one point, maybe half or more of which were paid apps, and I bet I had played 25-33% of them at best. Several months ago I started getting medicated for ADD, then for depression as well. I no longer buy more games than I can possibly play and the compulsion to do so is much weaker; I can still recognize things that I want, but it's just a lot easier not to click the "Purchase" button. As with all psychological issues, however, your mileage may vary.
Man, I'm so late to this thread but hope this doesn't get buried--what you talk about is covered at great length alongside a TON of other empirical evidence and research in a book I love called "The Happiness Advantage."
The argument there is: we think achieving goals makes us happy, but in reality, achieving a state of happiness in life helps us achieve goals. It's a ton of eye-opening research, advice, etc. that I've passed along to others as well as the book itself. Cheers!
The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor.
In the book you learn to see success as something that follows happiness, not the reverse. This book cites many studies and positive psychology concepts. The ideas are easy to swallow and easy to apply. I am adopting a positive mindset and taking steps to improve myself and my professional performance. Overall, I have better days and see fewer reasons to feel depressed or sorry for myself and feel hopeful for my future.
100%, OP. The series, as a whole, has strongly nurtured my understanding of philosophy, politics, social dynamics, etc etc... mostly by forcing me to question things in more practical and objective ways. It led me on a life long path of self-discovery that spent quite a bit of time focusing on Taoist concepts of balance, but lately those have been transitioning more towards a Stoic philosophy.
To paraphrase Mark Manson, we all have to give a fuck about something. We will all experience pain and unhappiness. but we're all also capable, to some extent, of choosing what we experience pain for. The decisions the games force you into making really capture that concept. Is saving Meryl worth enduring torture? Will Otacon resent me for killing Sniper Wolf? Why, oh why, am I so damn hesitant to pull the trigger in this field of white lilies, knowing that Russian fighters are en route to bomb the crap out of the area (and that I must, if I wish to proceed)? Do my saluting men know that I respect their sacrifice, even as I succumb to the inevitability of taking their lives to protect the world at large?
All of these hard choices are toward greater ends. All of life's hard choices are toward greater ends. The characters of this series all have strong conviction in their causes, and because they believe in what they are doing so wholeheartedly, they are willing to confront and endure immense pain to accomplish their objectives. The loss of our limbs. The theft of our children. The deaths of our comrades. The total destruction of everything we’ve worked toward creating. Torture. Being forever falsely remembered in dishonor. And yet they persist in their endeavors, determined. Loyalty to the end. We, as a player, reap the benefits of this conviction, while also possessing objective insights that the protagonist is blinded to.
And so, in life, I have strived for, and successfully attained, more conviction and confidence in my actions because I approach them objectively. Likewise, when I realize I am wrong or don't have enough information on a topic to make an educated judgement, I accept that and act accordingly.
TL;DR: I understand with more clarity. I never stop seeking more understanding. I make better decisions, even when they are hard. And if I'm wrong, I accept it and fix it instead of immaturely justifying my actions.
Okay mate, I'm gonna be honest with ya. You have some serious inner game problems. But don't worry, they're all real easy fixes.
Coming from everything you wrote, you seem to be hyper aware of what everyone might think of you. Emphasis on might. Thing is, you don't know. These are all assumptions. When you say that you "don't want to come off as a nerd so [you're] not going to only talk about tv," you're making the assumptions that only nerds talk about TV. Well guess what, that's just plain wrong. Why? Because you said so.
You have to understand that girls are not logical creatures. Primarily. They are emotional beings who respond to spikes in emotion. You're not going to win them over by checking off every box on their "Is he a cool guy" list. No. You're going to win them over by pumping them full of a wide range of emotions and being a chill dude who doesn't give a fuck.
What's essentially going on is that you're giving a fuck about things you shouldn't give a fuck about. Your values are in the wrong place. And I know the perfect book you should read for that. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. It's a blazingly quick read that's easy as fuck due to Mark's super casual language. But don't let that fool you. He serves wisdom on a silver platter page after damn page. This book helped me tons and I hope it'll help you too.
Solve those inner game issues, and you'll be raking in pussy like nobody's business.
You seem distressed.
i can recommend this look, i put this to practice years ago even thou i only read this book a few days ago.
Stop, giving, a, fuck.
Chill out, stop being down. stop caring about what others think. you don't have the mental energy to deal with the world, or so it seems like.
Stop caring, really, just stop.
Get a job, if its a low wage one. start making money, start chatting with your co-workers. get some hobbies that'll force you to be with people. karatee, hockey, football, whatever.
Its not going to be easy. but do it.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S
I can also recommend finding your ' quiet place '. a place in some forest or perhaps just some corner in a local park you like.
Also, remember, you're just 19, you are barely a grown up yet. life is difficult and for someone with a disability its never going to be easy. but make it easier for yourself if it even means making some sacrifices in one way or the other. you have at least 45 years left on this planet, make them comfy for your own sake.
I've never read this book, but sometimes I think I should (Amazon non-referral normal link)
Obviously everyone has their favourites. My primary areas of research are cognitive bias and relational psychology, so I'd recommend starting with:
Cognitive Bias
Relational Psychology
Rationality
For maximum enjoyment, I'd suggest Stumbling on Happiness or Methods of Rationality, they're both very well written and entertaining reads.
Finally, if you start looking up references and papers (and if you're interested in this, you will), then grab a copy of zotero. A good citation manager is an absolute joy.
Disclosure: I'm a member of the International Association for Relationship Research, which is responsible for the Science of Relationships. I'm the primary author for Not A Jerk. Links to Amazon include my affiliate ID.
According to Daniel Gilbert's exemplary book stumbling on happiness humans are the only animal that have any conscious thought as to what the future may hold.
Sure a squirrel may save some food for the winter, but (I assume) it does not consciously think that it will soon be cold and food will become more scarce.
I hope I am not too late.
You can post this to /r/suicidewatch.
Here is my half-baked attempt at providing you with some answers.
First of all let's see, what is the problem? Money and women. This sounds rather stereotypical but it became a stereotype because a lot of people had this kind of problems. So if you are bad at money and at women, join the club, everybody sucks at this.
Now, there are a few strategies of coping with this. I can tell you what worked for me and perhaps that will help you too.
I guess if there is only one thing that I would change in your attitude that would improve anything is learning the fact that "there is more where that came from". This is really important in girl problems and in money problems.
When you are speaking with a girl, I noticed that early on, men tend to start being very submissive and immature in a way. They start to offer her all the decision power because they are afraid not to lose her. This is a somehow normal response but it affects the relationship negatively. She sees you as lacking power and confidence and she shall grow cold. So here lies the strange balance between good and bad: you have to be powerful but also warm and magnanimous. You can only do this by experimenting without fearing the results of your actions. Even if the worst comes to happen, and she breaks up with you .... you'll always get a better option. There are 3.5 billion ladies on the planet. The statistics are skewed in your favor.
Now for the money issue. Again, there is more where that came from. The money, are a relatively recent invention. Our society is built upon them but we survived for 3 million years without them. The thing you need to learn is that your survival isn't directly related to money. You can always get food, shelter and a lot of other stuff for free. You won't live the good life, but you won't die. So why the anxiety then?
Question: It seems to me you are talking out of your ass. How do I put into practice this in order to get a girlfriend?
Answer: Talk to people. Male and female. Make the following your goals:
Talk to 1 girl each day for one month.
Meet a few friends each 3 days.
Make a new friend each two weeks.
Post your romantic encounters in /r/seduction.
This activities will add up after some time and you will have enough social skill to attract a female. You will understand what your female friend is thinking. Don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out.
Question: The above doesn't give a lot of practical advice on getting money. I want more of that. How do I get it?
Answer: To give you money people need to care about you. People only care about you when you care about them. This is why you need to do the following:
Start solving hard problems.
Start helping people.
Problems aren't only school problems. They refer to anything: start learning a new difficult subject (for example start learning physics or start playing an instrument or start writing a novel). Take up a really difficult project that is just above the verge of what you think you are able to do. Helping people is something more difficult and personal. You can work for charity, help your family members around the house and other similar.
Question: I don't understand. I have problems and you are asking me to work for charity, donate money? How can giving money solve anything?
Answer: If you don't give, how can you receive? Helping others is instilling a sense of purpose in a very strange way. You become superior to others by helping them in a dispassionate way.
Question: I feel like I am going to cry, you are making fun of me!
Answer: Not entirely untrue. But this is not the problem. The problem is that you are taking yourself too serious. We all are, and I have similar problems. The true mark of a person of genius is to laugh at himself. Cultivate your sense of humor in any manner you can.
Question: What does it matter then if I choose to kill myself?
Answer: There is this really good anecdote about Thales of Miletus (search wiki). He was preaching that there is no difference between life and death. His friends asked him: If there is no difference, why don't you kill yourself. At this, he instantly answered: I don't kill myself because there is no difference.
Question: Even if I would like to change and do the things you want me to do, human nature is faulty. It is certain that I would have relapses. How do I snap out of it?
Answer: There are five habits that you should instill that will keep bad emotions away. Either of this habits has its own benefits and drawbacks:
Question: Your post seems somewhat interesting but more in an intriguing kind of way. I would like to know more.
Answer: There are a few good books on these subjects. I don't expect you to read all of them, but consider them at least.
For general mental change over I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795853&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Generous-Man-Helping-Others-Sexiest/dp/1560257288
For girl issues I recommend the following book. This will open up a whole bag of worms and you will have an entire literature to pick from. This is not going to be easy. Remember though, difficult is good for you.
http://www.amazon.com/GAME-UNDERCOVER-SOCIETY-PICK-UP-ARTISTS/dp/1841957518/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795664&sr=8-1 (lately it is popular to dish this book for a number of reasons. Read it and decide for yourself. There is a lot of truth in it)
Regarding money problem, the first thing is to learn to solve problems. The following is the best in my opinion
http://www.amazon.com/How-Solve-Mathematical-Princeton-Science/dp/069111966X
The second thing about money is to understand why our culture seems wrong and you don't seem to have enough. This will make you a bit more comfortable when you don't have money.
http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795746&sr=8-3 (this one has a prequel called Ishmael. which people usually like better. This one is more to my liking.)
For mental contemplation there are two recommendations:
http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html . This one is for meditation purposes.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Pilgrim-Continues-His/dp/0060630175 . This one is if you want to learn how to pray. I am an orthodox Christian and this is what worked for me. I cannot recommend things I didn't try.
For exercising I found bodyweight exercising to be one of the best for me. I will recommend only from this area. Of course, you can take up weights or whatever.
http://www.amazon.com/Convict-Conditioning-Weakness-Survival-Strength/dp/0938045768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795875&sr=8-1 (this is what I use and I am rather happy with it. A lot of people recommend this one instead: http://www.rosstraining.com/nevergymless.html )
Regarding friends, the following is the best bang for your bucks:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324796461&sr=8-1 (again, lots of criticism, but lots of praise too)
The rest of the points are addressed in the above books. I haven't given any book on financial advices. Once you know how to solve problems and use google and try to help people money will start coming, don't worry.
I hope this post helps you, even though it is a bit long and cynical.
Merry Christmas!
Given how much actual research exists on the effects of optimism and pessimism I don't see much point to speculating on them from an armchair. As a general rule, it turns out that optimism tends to promote physical health and psychological well-being while pessimism goes hand-in-hand with depression and physically weakens you like a self-administered poison. Pessimism amounts to psychological surrender. Both optimism and pessimism tend to work as self-fulfilling prophecies, at least on average.
I'd like to link to some of the relevant research, but I learned this stuff in books. I highly recommend Martin Seligman's Learned Optimism.
During sleep you're in an altered state of consciousness which prevents you from being aware of your surroundings. It seems like your perception of time is much influenced by different types of sensory information (such as vision, sound, hearing). Since you're no longer consciously aware of that information from the environment, there is no way for the brain to determine the time between constituent events.
Alterations of the perception of time also occur when people are intensely focused on a task, which makes it seem like time is speeding up. Psychologist call this mental state *flow*, which is characterized by complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting loss in one's sense of space and time. If you find this interesting I highly recommend Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi his book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
What is also interesting, is the fact that a lot of people report time distortions after taking psychedelics or cannabis. This probably also has to do with a different awareness of the order of events which in turn distorts the perception of time. For instance people experience dilation of time; the feeling that time has slowed down. This commonly occurs during intense hallucinogenic experiences and seems to stem from the fact that during an intense trip, abnormally large amounts of experience are felt in very short periods of time. People also experience the opposite effect, speeding up of time. This commonly occurs under the influence of certain stimulating compounds and seems to at least partially stem from the fact that during intense levels of stimulation, people typically become hyper-focused on activities and tasks in a manner which can allow time to pass them by without realizing it.
And what is even more bizarre is the experience of time reversal, reported in many psychedelic experiences. This is the perception that the events, hallucinations, and experiences that occurred around one's self within the previous several minutes to several hours are spontaneously playing backwards in a manner which is somewhat similar to that of a rewinding VHS tape.
It's a fascinating complex subject, full of unanswered questions ;)
Squid and Dr. PP both recommend the art of learning, and the inner game of tennis and they're both godlike so I'd take their advice. Flow is really good too.
Something cool you could do is get into chess. I only played chess seriously for a few months really, but I feel like it gave me another angle to think about tactics and strategy in. Chess is really fun and it'll give you that same competitive brain feeling melee does without killing your hands.
/r/chess has lots of guides about how to get into the game and stuff. There's lots of cool websites now like www.chesstempo.com where you can do tons of tactics training puzzles that are really fun and make the learning curve for beginners a lot less steep than it was back in the day when chess books were the only option(which are great, but it's really hard as an absolute beginner to sit down with a chess book and actually make it through it).
If you're already like 2100 fide rated or some shit then just ignore this lol.
Ya know, you can have what he has without the woo.
Now take those qualities you've focused on, and find 2-3 ways of applying them in your life every day. Bonus: keep a journal. Right it down. Over time, you train yourself to become the person you want to be.
You can do what your friend did without sacrificing your intellectual integrity.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: It's more Zen than the title alludes to.
No More Mr. Nice Guy: Excellent book!
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Mystery: Body Language 1
Mystery: Body Language 1
Hot Seat Breakdown: Part 1 of 5. This might be the greatest breakdown of legit pickup. It's Owen from RSD, and I don't like him typically, but this is super good.
I'll just leave this here
Think you’d like the book below. Not about not caring it’s about not worrying about things you can’t control. I liked it!
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_vDqoDbR8C0X5S
>Delete the lawyer, Hire facebook and hit a gym.
FTFY /s
Relevant resource for OP.
> You might be thinking: then what happened before I started doing my homework? I didn’t develop IPT2048 and played other incremental games instead. After I published IPT2048 v2.1, for the entire week I was playing The Perfect Tower, NGUIdle, Almost a Hero, Scrap Clicker 2, etc.
Yo. Punishing yourself mentally for having anxiety about your cool little project you care deeply about isn't going to help you progress with anything.
My guess is: you're overwhelmed with the expectations you've set for yourself, and it seems extremely difficult to conquer your targets to the level of perfection that you can't possibly not achieve. You're anxious that you're not going to get it done perfectly, so instead of lowering your standards, you keep yourself from doing it at all, because then, you can't fail at all.
Problem is, you can't succeed that way, either. You're young. It will do you well to learn so early on that the reason you're anxious is because you want everything to work out to the utmost of expectations, because you care deeply about it. I think you know that it's a good thing that you care, but in your head, the tape keeps playing over and over of how some things can go wrong, and since it's louder than your desire to make it work, you stop yourself from working.
I've read an article in Scientific American about how one researcher considers addiction a learning disability. She was clever and learned things at a faster rate than most (I think this is your situation, as well). But then, when things started to get overwhelming — like after she got to the university or something — she started to find solace in drugs, because they helped her relax and not worry about things too much. At some point, she said, she was so attached to doing light drugs — like marijuana — that she'd forgotten to do the actual work of studying. She put it aside because it bothered her too much, and enjoyed drugs because they gave her the opposite.
Her thinking was: she got into drugs because she was clever. She learned all things quickly; she'd also learned quickly that drugs help overcome her fears — and it didn't matter at the time that she pushed the important work — the kind of work that made her a better person and a more capable specialist — aside.
I don't know whether it's true, but I certainly notice similar threads in my life. I learn well. I get things quickly that others struggle with. I excel. I also enjoy a lot of procrastinating and putting things off because they seem too difficult or are too scary to undertake.
As I got older, I came to realize how baseless those fears really are. It's not that the work is scary: it's that I think it would hurt me to do it, when there's no real reason for me to think that way. I give the negatives much more weight than I do the positives. The fear of failure, therefore, starts to rule my decision-making — and the only place I can possibly end up in when it's at the helm is in a rut, on the sidewalk of life, hoping that someone would come pick me up and help me get where I want to go.
Now, imagine this. There are two people in your life. You know both a little bit; you've spent some time chatting, so you kind of know where they're coming from when they say what they say. One day, one of them starts telling you about this cool new project they have the idea for. They describe it in great detail: all the cool features, all the awesome user interactions, all the potential — and then go on listing the reasons why they can't take it up. "It's too big!". "I can't make it all by myself!". "People would probably not like it".
The other person tells you about their current pet project too. It's not ambitious: just a little app that helps people in a small area. Maybe it's a shopping list app. Maybe it reminds users to take their medication. Maybe it sends autoreplies to certain SMS and emails. The person has some codebase ready, they've read the app store license agreements (for which they have some questions they mean to ask people who know something about it), they ask you if you'd like to test it once it's ready, to work out the kinks in design before official release.
Of those two people, whom would you rather help when they ask? The one that does nothing for themselves and always looks for the reason not to do what they think would be "really cool", or the one who gets things done and keeps things on the level where they understand it?
You might be tempted to start arguing the first person's case. Don't. You know what I mean, and you know I'm right.
You seem to be doing pretty good so far. People have spoken to the quality of your work — and to the nature of those who make "cool idea" posts. You actually accomplish things, and people respect that. So should you.
Take a step back. Leave the project to rest for a while. Take a deep breath, get what things you need to have done first so that nothing bothers you, and when you're ready, come back and see what you can do. There's no hurry, there's no rush, there's no expectations or a timeline. It's your project: you can, quite literally, do whatever you want with it. Continue it, scrap it, rework it, stop it — it's in your hands, as is the goals you set for yourself.
In the meantime, I'd recommend reading something on anxiety and productivity. I have no links for you, since everything I read is piecemeal: a little insight here, a little advice there, an overview from an unrelated book and a personal story from a videogame. That said, I would recommend Raptitude — a blog about mindful living and finding peace in a troubling world. David writes on a variety of issues, and you might just find something that speaks to you.
I would also have liked to recommend A Subtle Art of Not Giving a F-ck by Mark Manson to you, but I think you're not on the level to get as much benefit from it as I did. I started soulsearching when I was about your age, and it took me until now to come to understand life and living enough to be able to apply Mark's advice. Feel free to read it if you're curious, but I wouldn't expect much of it if I were you. It might not make much sense right now.
Take your time. Breathe. Focus on things you can do. Set the bar low and overperform.
Just wanted to throw this here, too:
I just finished the Audible version of The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It
The author is a Stanford psychologist, and this book roughly follows the curriculum of her course, "The Science of Willpower", which was one of the most popular courses ever run at Stanford.
It's designed to be approached in a sort of "one chapter per week" mindset, with self-experiments to conduct in each week and anecdotes of how some of her students approached their issues on each topic.
IMO it's a great book for people who lack a "connection" to other material they're reading.
L-tyrosine is a non-essential amino acid meaning your body can synthesize it's own. I wonder if you could achieve the same effects through dietary changes.
I read here that when taken in it's pure form, "it is metabolized less via protein synthesis and more by catecholamine synthesis." My understanding is that when supplemented, more of it will go toward producing hormones like dopamine. So maybe the effect you're experiencing is a direct result of supplementation.
But there's another story ^(physiology is complicated). In The Willpower Instict, Dr. McGonigal talks a lot about how the promise of a reward can trigger a dopamine response in the brain. I wonder how much a role the hope of your supplementation working played in your experiences.
Given that our bodies and minds are capable of producing these effects when given the right nutrients and stimulus, I don't expect supplementing l-tyrosine to have a noticeable effect on most people.
I also recommend the great read The Willpower Instinct by the Stanford University psychologist, Kelly McGonigal. It also present the amazing science of willpower and how to increase it.
If you are prone to rumination self-administering therapy can make you feel even worse. It's possible to get caught in a feedback loop where you wonder if you are doing the therapy correctly, which only makes your problems worse. I know this because I did it myself. It wasn't until I started meditating on a routine basis that I was able to calm my mind down enough to apply what I was reading. Meditation will strengthen your ability to let go of things, build your focus, and lessen your propensity to react emotionally. If someone is going about this alone and the key goal is to ease suffering, then look into mindfulness and ACT. These are designed with that purpose in mind.
Mindfulness
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPlG_w40qOE
Presented by a Harvard Medical School Professor
ACT
An Introductory book on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Meditation
IOS/Android app that will easily guide you through everything, it's a wonderful application
We often choose the complex explanation over the simple one, to our detriment. Everything I linked can be consumed quickly and used readily.
Professional help is a game changer. Please, if you can, get professional help. If you can't because you can't afford it, I would recommend books.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503273693&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1503273704&sr=1-1&keywords=the+happiness+trap
These two books helped me very much. But I also read them while doing talk therapy.
I mean no we cannot think away our pain obviously. There is research that supports Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for fibro. This is a good article describing it:
https://www.everydayhealth.com/fibromyalgia/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-fibromyalgia-think-differently-feel-better/
I’ve recently been learning about ACT and I just ordered this book that a colleague recommended. I’m excited to see if it has something to offer for my fibro and in general:
The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590305841/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_tJJUDbHABKN4S
Hey I am 54 and good news it gets better!
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First thing I would do is take care of yourself. Hit the gym a bit, reflect on life, do something nice for yourself.
I am not sure if your kids are teenagers yet but if they are they are vile creatures between 12-18 but then they get better.
Be careful about how much porn you watch.... I had a huge porn problem in my 40's and it became my escape from reality. The problem is that your brain starts to crave that dopamine rush and it is harder to get that rush without spending hours jerking to porn. Looking for that one perfect video or photo that makes you cum. I started doing a 30 day reset, No porn, no jerking off, no sex It is one of the hardest things I have done but it clears the mind. Get our and be social, but don't fucking chase women!
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At 54 I know that I don't have much time left on earth and I am not going to waist one minute. When I stopped trying to make everyone happy all of the time and focused on myself things got better. I stopped putting pussy on a pedestal. If I can give you two great books to read the links are below and they are on audio
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No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
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The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
If self-help books are your thing you might check out these two inexpensive ones:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Unfuck Yourself
I’m about halfway through the first one and have the second on my shelf to read. No religious bullshit mixed in, and it’s an easy read so far.
No doubt a game changer: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=bseries_primary_1_0062457713
Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
That may give you a better understanding of this mindset. But going a little deeper, not giving a fuck is just a perspective. It's a different way of interpreting our life as we experience it.
Instead of including what other people think of our actions in our brain processes, we just notice that what we do affects other people, but instead of letting it deter us from what we want to do, we just do it anyways.
Not giving a fuck takes a lot of practice, I feel many years away from truly mastering this, as I feel I've been conditioned during my life so far to give a very large fuck about what others think of me whenever I do anything.
This book is good https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Mark Manson is really awesome. I've been a reader of his for a few years and just picked up his audiobook for "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***."
It discusses the counterintuitive ideologies that one must adopt to become more secure with oneself and others in their lives, by letting go of things they shouldn't give a fuck about. Highly recommended you start reading his material.
read this book
in all seriousness the older you get the thicker your skin so it just bounces off like it's nothing
S/O to /u/kw2002 for recommending
https://www.amazon.ca/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062641549/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1517184603&sr=1-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f+ck
like a month ago.
Pretty good book. If anyone wants my copy lmk.
The biggest thing I've done for my productivity/follow through is reading books about willpower, habits, productivity, etc. As an INTP that needs to really understand things and feel like I'm making my own decisions, rather than follow some advice a parent or whatever gave me, I love books because they give me a deeper understanding that makes sense.
Thus, I recommend reading these books:
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg
Changed the way I think about productivity and life changes. They key to accomplishing goals isn't developing pure willpower, but developing habits that help you achieve what you want. However, I'd still recommend...
Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy F. Baumeister
Just a very interesting book about willpower. Will shatter some misconceptions and teach you some new things.
Zen to Done by LeoBabatua
A practical approach to setting the habits and structure necessary to be productive.
Also read The 7 Rules of Highly Effective Habits, which is just a blog post so it wont take long.
I still can't sit down for hours and concentrate at will, but by implementing some of the stuff I've learned from these resources, I've set up a good system that works for me. As a very simple idea, are you familiar with the Pomodoro technique?
Basically, it goes like this. When you want to work on something, set a timer for 25 minutes and know that you only have to sit down and focus for 25 minutes. Don't worry if what you're doing is great or sucks, if you get in your 25 minutes it's been a success (expecting to spend a certain amount of time on something rather than get a certain amount of quality work done has been a game changer for me). Then, after 25 minutes, take a 5-10 minute break... and put in another 25 minutes. Then, repeat... or not.. depending on if you're feeling up for it.
This is excellent information. I loved Baumeister's book on Willpower.
I've been utilizing this methodology to get my butt in the gym to work out. By doing just three different exercises, I'm building the habit of going. I set the bar really low for myself, so I really don't have any excuses to not work out.
Great article!
22 here and a semester away from finishing a degree in bio engineering. I go in cycles of being extremely motivated to being extremely sedentary, and for a long time this stressed me out like crazy. I used to be obsessed with figuring out how to trigger my motivated-self and how to keep from drifting out of it and it drove me nuts because it seemed like I couldn't do anything to control myself. It wasn't until my third year of college that I decided to simply have faith in myself and stop worrying about it. This marked a pretty incredible change for me. I still went in cycles, but the lows weren't nearly as low or long or miserable and the highs were higher and longer.
You need to stop beating yourself up over not living up to your potential or whatever. You're 17. A slump now is not going to ruin your life.
You know that Chinese proverb, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"? If you like a task is overwhelming, then break it down until you find something you can handle. It doesn't matter if you're deciding you want to become an astronaut or if you want to clean your room. Doesn't matter how silly it might be that a task seems overwhelming, the way you get past that feeling is to break it down. Whenever I don't want to get up and go for a jog I will focus on simply standing up, or shutting my laptop, or putting on shoes. Anything that gets me one step closer towards that jog is 99% of the time all I need before the momentum/motivation gets me running.
By the way, listen to this TEDxTalk by Shawn Achor and if you really like it then get a copy of his book The Happiness Advantage. I'm about halfway through it and I already think everyone should read it.
Hope that helps.
There is nothing noble in enabling irresponsibility in other people. Set boundaries with your friends and don't let them make their responsibilities yours.
Tell them to ask for their own damn napkins and keep yours to yourself.
btw, I like this book a lot. If you find this pattern with your friends, you might be dealing with lack of boundaries in other areas of your life, so I recommend giving this a read. (I'd suggest every human being read it, especially idealists like NFs)
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
this book will help. Read and apply it.
Short answer, be consistent. Start with setting a new expectation. “Baby, I love you and our relationship rocks. There’s one thing that’s been getting on my nerves, though. [insert explanation about him eating faster then you and therefore getting more food even when you split the bill]. I’d like us to agree on 50/50 from now on, or simply to order two separate orders if you feel like you’re going to still be hungry. Does that work for you?” Get his agreement and understanding, then stick to it. Refer to the conversation if he starts to beg. “Remember baby, we talked about this. Just because I eat less food then you at once doesn’t mean I won’t eat it later and I really look forward to leftovers. Do you want to order something else?”
Dr. Gabor Maté’s book “When the Body Says No” talks about the link between trauma (particularly abuse - emotional or physical) and migraines and IBS and I was FLOORED. I suffer from both and am also in the boat of thinking my childhood wasn’t that bad. In reality, I suppose I didn’t recognize how greatly my family’s issues and struggles affected me and I’ve likely buried some memories so deep down that I don’t remember them super clearly. Sometimes I worry that something worse happened and I blocked the memory.
The enneagram and Boundaries have helped me slowly start to identify my personal weaknesses and needs. Still have migraines and IBS though so maybe therapy is in order too!
Edit: The Boundaries book is super Christian but that’s how I was raised (maybe that was the trauma, haha) so it explains a lot for me.
This book helped me to become a reformed people pleaser: Boundaries
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-Work-Strategies-Distraction/dp/0061771295
http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-New-Translation-Marcus-Aurelius/dp/0812968255
http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963
> I can't help feeling that this is the type of feel-good nonsense that unpopular, unattractive people tell themselves to justify not improving. OP's friend recognized that he's a loser himself and is now looking to fix the issue. What's the matter with that?
No, this is coming from someone who is considered to be very attractive. It really does nothing for your self-esteem to have most people want to fuck you.
>Life IS better when women want to fuck you. And why do you think only "unsatisfied" people think so? You should always look to be more satisfied with your life, even if you're already doing well.
How do you know this? You have never been in this situation. I have and read the last paragraph. Also, most of my exes were the guys who almost every woman wanted to fuck. Again, they were NOT happier than anyone else.
>Not true. Money, looks and social status are also a part of what defines your worth.
If your self-worth comes from how much you have and what people think of you vs who you are, then you're screwed for life. Maybe this will help you
http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963
>Highly, highly doubt this. I don't think you would be saying all that if you spent enough time with people who are actual players.
I worked in an industry full of these so-called "players" and trust me, they are some of the most insecure and miserable people ever. Also, was friends with many of them. Just a bit above terpers in terms of happiness, which isn't saying much.
Have you tried a very gentle and gradual secular approach to mindfulness. Start, and progress, with baby steps. In a world where we have medication for any ailment we come to expect that a cure will happen over a week. You have conditioned yourself to feel safe in your 'daydreaming' and trying to step out of it is going to feel strange and painful. This book is an excellent start:
Mindfulness
It sets out a very simple step by step introduction, over an 8 week period. Take things gently, if you slip up, that's fine, that's what learning is all about and you are trying to teach your brain something new. The brain is a bugger and it will kick and scream... don't berate it, be kind and understanding, as you would a friend who has been burnt by some misadventure once again :). There are more things like 'mindfulness in plain English' that would be an excellent moving in point, maybe after a couple of months. The good thing about the book linked is it's a simple step by step guide. Keep things very simple at the moment... it WILL feel strange, alien and painful. When starting out it's easy to become bamboozled by the wealth of information out there especially concerning Buddhism and mindfulness. I think I have a PDF text of that book somewhere, if I can find it I'll PM it to you, either tonight or tomorrow.
One more thing if you attempt to do this keep taking your meds there maybe a time when you feel you won't need them... let's say a couple of years perhaps, who knows, none of us are your doctor and can't say what you need and don't need but mindfulness is a very effective approach to helping you with your symptoms... just take it slowly, if you don't finish a chapter in a week make that chapter 2 weeks... the only important thing is keep practicing.
Please check out the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Fantastic book for understanding relationships between family members, regardless of the circumstances.
Assertiveness might be more straightforward to address than an inner monster. There's more material available on it; it's better understood in the popular discourse as something that anyone who doesn't already have it needs to develop.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. I can vouch for this one personally. It's a pretty comprehensive treatment of how and why people don't develop or respect healthy boundaries and what you can do about it.
That book comes from a Christian tradition. Much of it is secular, but some of the motivating statements and theoretical framework is in terms of Christian theology. I'm agnostic leaning atheist, but I actually found that part of the book opened my eyes to the fact that there are some Christian people in the USA who use their beliefs as a basis to do some hard work on themselves. A useful experience on its own, for what that's worth.
Supporting skills:
That is the obvious and straightforward path, the one that in my experience and opinion is most likely to get you to where you want to be. If the language of the Jungian shadow appeals to you, you can also try approaching it in terms of facing up to who exactly it is that you don't want to be - but think about trying that after you've given the straightforward approach a fair shake.
I’m really sorry for what he’s put you through. You didn’t deserve to be lied to or disrespected. He definately left out A LOT of context by excluding his history of bad finacial choices.
I know this isn’t /r/ relationships but I’m going to give you the same advice that I’ve given to people over there: Date someone for who they are right now, not for who you hope they’ll turn into one day. Most people don’t make major changes in lifestyle, personality, or behavior. People only make big changes if they genuinly want to make a change for themsleves. They certainly don’t change just because someone else wants them to, not even a significant other. In other words: Don’t date a project!
If being more financially responsible and being honest was a priority for him than he would have taken steps to do those things by now. He hasn’t because they’re not priorities for him. And if he comes to you with promises of change now that you’ve broken up with him I can’t tell you wether or not they’re ones he’ll follow through on. You know him best. But don’t be surprised if you take him back and after a few weeks/months he gets comfortable and goes back to his previous behaviors.
> But I'm a total giver. ... I will buy them whatever they need. I love them. I help bc I don't want people to ever feel like I felt when I was a kid. This is a personality flaw. My ex owes me $1k, etc. I'm a sucker.
It sounds like you need to learn how to set and maintain boundaries with other people when it comes to money. Generosity is a virtue, but if you are being so generous that you are enabling other poor financial choices to the point thah its hurting your finances or mental/emotional wellbeing then it crosses the line into a problem. And yes, you were eneabling your BF, just like his mom does, by loaning him money whenever he runs out.
You need to learn how to say no to people- being a kind, generous person does not mean being a doormat. I’d encourage you to look into a few theraphy sessions to go over this issue (though I totally understand that not everyone can afford that). If that’s not an option the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life and it’s companion workbook are good reads (it has some religious undertones but the lessons on setting boundaries can apply to anyone).
Tynap- you sound like a kind, honest, hardworking, responsible woman who has her life together. Don’t sell yourself short by settling for a life partner who doesn’t live up to the standards you hold yourself to.
Wish you the best in your situation!
I've heard a guy named Dave Ramsey recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud a LOT to people dealing with these types of family issues. You/FDH may be interested to read it?
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
https://www.cloudtownsend.com/what-do-you-mean-boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/
This book should have some advice for you and your wife on setting clear boundaries and expectations with your father in law.
EDIT: Here is the writeup on this book from Dave Ramsey, which is who (whom?) I have heard recommend it.
This book helped me A LOT.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501342010&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=Dr.+Henry+Cloud&dpPl=1&dpID=41cX7krXwwL&ref=plSrch
Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
watch this video on emotional intelligence, and if it seems like something that could be useful to you, id really reccommend getting the book that he references. This has proven a really useful resource for me in trying to get my shit together, and from what i read in your post, it seems like something you could dig. Hope it helps!
This. They are in no way identifying who they are. Psychiatrists and psychologists write books about their experiences with patients all the time. A couple that I've read are The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D. and The Man Who Mistook His Wife as a Hat by Oliver Sacks. That's two fairly well-known ones, but there are probably hundreds of thousands out there.
This book may help.
Changed my entire outlook.
Hi, /u/themotherfuckingfox. I think there are several tacks you can take that will help, and it's important in doing any of them to recognise that they a) don't provide instant relief, b) require effort and c) don't automatically prevent panic attacks and anxiety.
I should add, I'm badly agoraphobic and I am almost hypocritical to offer this advice because I don't always follow it. That said, when I more or less follow more elements of it than not, I do far better than when I don't follow it at all. The shitty thing to recognise is that no matter how well you do these things, you still get bad days. Improvement is slow, and it will feel frustrating, but if you force yourself you will feel it. No miracles, no magical bullets, but it gets better, and at 25 it's definitely not the end of the line: far from it. Good luck. :)
P.S. I forgot to ask if you're a smoker (or indeed a drinker). If so, quit (both). It helps.
i agree with many of your thoughts
the idea that happiness/success is the "unintended side effect" of pursuit has stuck with me ever since i read it
i think your definition of happiness is more correct as a definition as pleasure, and interestingly, if you look at the neurotransmitters involved (seratonin for happiness, dopamine for pleasure) it seems to fit this distinction
This is a good image to explain what I'm trying to talk about
Another thing to add to your readings, if you haven't come across it yet, is Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
I've been reading books on productivity for a long time, after reading about the concept of "flow" for the (seemingly) millionth time I went ahead and bought the book. I'm about 100 pages in (started it three days ago) and it's rapidly changing the way I look at life and work. Every situation is different, but on the long journey to FI it's 100% worth looking at a change now to make the rest of the journey more enjoyable. A lot of people on this sub will express a similar sentiment as the previous sentence, "Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience" seems to flesh out the nuts and bolts of how we'd go about doing that.
"Anyone have some cheese to go with this whine??"
No cheese necessary, the daily thread is a perfect place to vent :D
Children have nothing to do with the meaning of life.
I suggest you read this book and make the commitment to start working on yourself. In the end you are the only person who can do anything about your situation.
Read this book if you want to know more about it! https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
Not sure why this hasn't been mentioned yet: if you are unhappy and bored at work, being FI might also prove a challenge. Financial independence in itself will probably not be fulfilling. You'll need to create your own meaning now.
Use this as an opportunity to figure out what you care about and explore your passions. Knowing this will prepare you for FI and life in general :)
I'd highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
This body image workbook was recommended to me by the ED nutritionist I used to see.
Also, not a workbook, but this book about self compassion is a great read. Because self-esteem and confidence are also about being kind to yourself.
I strongly recommend the book The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Mansen (blog post)(Amazon link)
Your script could literally be the most beautiful thing ever written by the hand of man or woman, but to have a long career in Hollywood, psychological resiliency is going to be essential. As somebody with an anxiety and eating disorder who has worked for 15 years in the industry, I'm telling you this from experience.
Also, coverage / advice from random internet people is barely useful at best. For example, my last script was a SEcond Rounder at Austin Film Festival. The coverage was glowing. But the reader who kept us from becoming a finalist also provided their coverage and it was the exact opposite of what the previous reader had said. And these are the AFF readers, some of the best in the biz.
So who was right? Was my film a game-changing thriller, or a tired cliche?
Who the fuck knows?
I am proud of it and it's generally done well enough that I can trust it's a good enough script to justify my being proud of it.
Another story: I just recently got notes on the first draft of a script I was hired to write by a production company able to finance the whole film. In the room, it was very complimentary, all the things they liked. Then we discussed what didn't work, but it was still pretty positive. Then they sent over their written notes and it was harsh as fuck. Was I freaking out? Sure, for about ten minutes, but then I remembered that this is part of the screenwriting process. It takes multiple drafts, multiple rounds of notes, and a whole lot of "this sucks" before we get to "this rocks."
At the end of the day, you have to trust yourself and your instincts AND be able to take the punches that will absolutely come your way.
Edit re: #2: That general rule somewhat excepts Generalized Anxiety Disorder. GAD's a tougher nut to crack, and lots of is think that it isn't quite an anxiety disorder, and is closer in spirit to depressive patterns of thinking, or halfway between the two. Tends to be more chronic.
also I highly recommend the book by Dr. Ellis
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429
Great reply. I recommend the book Stumbling on Happiness. It goes into the science (not too overwhelming) of how our brains predict the future. And often how the brain is wrong. The brain tries to make you safe, and often runs scenarios of the future that just wouldn't happen. Anyways, it's a good read, and connected to this talk about thinking about the future.
Stumbling on Happiness nonfiction that changes the way you look at life
> I've noticed the dotalikes(let's call the genre that for the sake of neutrality) get a lot of hate outside this sub.
I have three theories.
The first theory is that the opinion of the majority is not the same as the opinion of the overly visible gaming literati. I know that this is a fact based on smaller gaming genres, like tabletop roleplaying games, where recently a relatively popular thread indicated that too many people were talking about games like Fate and Dungeon World. Many people agreed.
However, looking at large community surveys and statistics released by the most popular online place to play tabletop roleplaying games we see that Fate only represents 1.65% of games and only 4.30% of all players are in those games, while Dungeon World only represents 1.84% of games with 4.55% of all players in Dungeon World games in the latter source (more comprehensive) and 4% of respondents playing Dungeon World and 5% of non-fantasy setting players and 4% of fantasy setting players playing Fate in the former source.
In other words, a lot of people really thought everyone was devoting way too much time to two games whose market shares are each less than 5%. Meanwhile, the two largest games - D&D and Pathfinder - combined are well over 50% market share.
This leads us to a probable analogous conclusion: the MOBA-haters are much louder online than simple demographics would suggest. This gels with most of what we know about online product reviews generally: only those who really hate or really love a product are likely to take the time out of their day to write up how much they love/hate the product, which leads to a polarization of online viewpoints.
Theory two is an extension, in some respects, of theory one: because MOBAs are so incredibly popular, while their proportion of haters remains about the same as most games (except for the addition of some hipsters who always hate popular things), their absolute number of haters is astronomically high.
Let's imagine for a minute that 1% of all people who play or hear about a game are driven to hate it online. A game with few players, like /r/totalwar of the Total War series, has persistent but relatively isolated griping as a result. If 1% of their subs complain about the game regularly, that would make for ~350 people: a significant portion in the Total War subreddit, where you would notice complaining on account of our earlier-established "haters are loud" theory above, but not a significant enough number to seriously bleed across to other more general subreddits.
In contrast, if 1% of /r/leagueoflegends, the League of Legends subreddit, complained about League, then that makes for 6,500 people. If "the 1% of League subscribers that complain about League" was a subreddit, it would be in the top 3200.
Other extremely popular games, like Call of Duty, seem to act in evidence of this theory: they receive a huge absolute degree of hate.
Theory three is that there is something about MOBAs that leads to direct competition and animosity. MOBAs are notoriously hardcore competitive games, being not just the most popular video games on earth, but also the ones with the largest tournaments. The two largest ones are also notoriously nearly identical.
We know that the brain tends to cook facts to retrospectively justify its choices, focusing on the benefits of your choice while downplaying the detriments, especially when that choice is largely irreversible and largely important (for more about how people react to making choices see Daniel Gilbert Stumbling on Happiness and Barry Schwartz The Paradox of Choice). MOBAs, by being so competitive, are naturally time intensive, especially among the gaming literati who tend to discuss games online and be part of the core gamer demographic. This makes the decision to play, say, League of Legends rather than DotA 2 subject to a host of natural heuristics that lead us to become "stuck" with our choice: the sunken cost heuristic, for instance. (For more about decision making heuristics see Daniel Kahneman Thinking, Fast and Slow).
When you combine these effects, you get a set of people who are:
Combined, I believe these three theories lead to this demographic, described above, displaying what appears to be a larger-than-normal degree of hate online.
"If I had a dollar (well, maybe $2) for every time I hear “I am not depressed, I am just realistic”, “Anyone who isn’t depressed isn’t paying attention”, "
Waiiit a minute... I thought this was true. There was a reference in Stumbling on Happiness, that happy people had less realistic and mroe of a fantasy ideas about the future.
Any thoughts? I have actually been trying to be less realistic!
Edit:
http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427/ref=cm_lmf_tit_2
You do you. It wasn't until I quit that I realized I had a buttload of different reasons that I never addressed or understood because I never sat down and forced myself to think through my crap. Shit's rough. I don't blame anyone ever. People always freak out about selfharm and what I've learned is to take care of the person physically right now and be there for them when they're ready. Freaking out does jack shit.
Alright so I said I was going to post the book and I can't find it because I don't remember who wrote it. I'm a visual person and I'm pretty sure they changed the cover so here's some books with great reviews that cover the same topic.
Your Inner Critic Is a Big Jerk: And Other Truths About Being Creative -I actually might buy this one.
Imposter Syndrome Remedy: How to improve your self-worth, feel confident about yourself, and stop feeling like a fraud!
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life
I would really suggest this book if you suspect you're a bit too pessimistic and hard on yourself, or just curious about how much our thinking patterns influence our lives.
This book approaches things from a scientific point of view and discusses a lot of the studies that have been done on the thinking patterns of animals and people. It's different (in a good way I think!) from most books you'll find on positive thinking.
I love this question by the way! Any books you've read that you would recommend as "must reads"?
It's still very questionable how close we are to understanding consciousness. From just dabbling into the mind sciences and the different camps there, it really doesn't seem like we're quite there yet. But even if our technology can eventually create the conditions for consciousness, I think Buddhism will become more relevant.
For example, Francisco Varela, Humberto Maturana and Evan Thompson are all examples of a Buddhist-inspired approach to the science of mind. Check out (though be warned you're entering into the fray of some heavy philosophy-speak) Embodied Mind, Mind in Life, and a textbook on the subject, The Tree of Knowledge. To them, the contemplative disciplines of the East (and the West for that matter - what has survived through the traditions), are all examples of a deeply sophisticated "inner science" that can actually help inform and guide the scientific understanding of consciousness. In short, I think the trend we have today is telling: as neuroscience and consciousness studies develop, the Western interest in Buddhism also seems to be increasing.
I think a few other popular books are Rick Hanson's Buddha's Brain and B. Alan Wallace's Contemplative Science: Where Buddhism and Neuroscience Converge Hope this was helpful!
Edit ~ Forgot to mention something about reincarnation. Well, many traditions have an esoteric perspective on reality, an inner dimension, and in some sense, an inner world with its own laws and realities that are in some respects more real than our material senses. So, some might be against uploading their consciousness for fear of stagnating their own spiritual evolution. Personally, I learn towards believing that reality is more than our contemporary, secular culture can articulate. So even with AI, I think these spiritual realities will not become "irrelevant" - but if we believe like many of the traditions do that there are subtle bodies (etheric, astral, etc) - then there are certain dangers in attempting to create life and mind without awareness of these. This is borderline science fiction, but I can imagine a gnostic fear of spiritual "entrapment." A consciousness that has lost its soul - or worse yet, a soul that is ensnared within a machine and unable to move on because it is missing critical spiritual bodies that would allow it to move onto the next life (or beyond this world). Should make for some interesting new mythologies...
On the other hand, scientists may unwittingly create the conditions for the etheric (the animating force of life, chi or ki), and other bodies simply by learning the physical principles of life. So artificial beings may also have chakras and energy channels - and there may even be new spiritual traditions and metaphysics that humans may not be able to understand. Anyhow, many traditions speak of transcending the ego and allowing the "higher self" to guide us - well, maybe, just maybe, an AI might be a suitable mind for the Higher Self, or Daimon, to descend and incarnate. Whoo, this is fun thinking about. This is sounding like a science fiction version of Sri Aurobindo's "Supramental descent."
I've been meditating on and off for the past 6 years, some tips that helped me:
For example, I really have a hard time with sitting meditation. My legs cramp up like no other and it drives me nuts. But I love integrating mindfulness randomly throughout my day: A quick breathing exercise when I'm driving to work, a small eating meditation when I have dinner so I appreciate my meal more, a small gratitude reflection before I go to bed, etc. I found those tiny 30 second meditations throughout the day had a much more profound effect on my life than sitting in a quiet room for 30 minutes.
To me, sitting meditation is just the practice room so you can get some training before you start finding more and more little ways to apply it in your daily life.
Check out this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
There's a really good anecdote early on in the book. It tells the story of this guitarist who got kicked out of his band just before they record their first album. He was completely devastated. On his way back to LA from New York, he decided that he would start his own band and be bigger and better than his old band. He practiced constantly, assembled a new band and recorded an album. The band became successful and actually reached global fame. His new band was Megadeath, a relatively popular and well known band. Most people would be very happy with this accomplishment. Unfortunately his previous band was Metallica, and they were much more popular and successful than Megadeath. The guitarist (Dave Mustaine) later admitted in an interview that he was still upset about being kicked out of Metallica and doesn't consider himself to be a success.
It then tells the story of Pete Best. He was the drummer who was kicked out of The Beatles and replaced by Ringo Starr just before they made it big. For years he was depressed, suicidal, and pissed off at the world. But later, he met his wife, started a family, and lived a happy and satisfying life. Eventually, he accepted the things in life that he couldn't control and took responsibility for those that he could.
The point is that you shouldn't worry about the things in your life that you can't control. Don't compare yourself to your friends or set arbitrary benchmarks like "I should be making $X per year". Don't measure your progress in life by how much money you have in the bank or how many fancy toys you have. Find what makes you happy and do it.
somewhat philosophical but it's a really good book
Finished it about five weeks ago.
Hey! I feel ya!!!! The good news is that you can beat your depression!!!
My partner had depression for many many years!! He was on meds for a long time, he went to counseling (I even went with him to know better how to help him and to learn to not let his depression get to me - because it certainly does!)
So here is what worked:
Also, in order to be effective, the exercise needs to elevate your heart beat for 30 minutes or so (therapist recommendation). We enrolled in a cardio class, so we stay more motivated than walking in the boring treadmill.
Can’t find one in your community? There is tons online!
I hope this helps, OP! I can give you more suggestions, but I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed! I really really hope you will find a way to get better! ❤️
It's very difficult to get around it.
You have to stay very focused on a goal. For me, since ROM7, it's been to finish every match I play. Has that happened? No, but I understand the situations it has not and I'm very pleased with how things have been going.
It also helps if you read autobiographies or books on sports psychology (or psychology in general) to get ideas & techniques on how to better your mentality.
Here are some that have helped me immensely.
PS. I'm not telling you where, but if you don't want to create a book collection PDFs of each of these may or may not be online.
Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1487043144&sr=1-1&keywords=willpower
It was recommended to me by Matt Might, a CS professor who launched his own startup while working on his PhD and who has recently been spearheading research into an incredibly rare disorder that afflicts his son.
This is not a cheesy motivational book. It's a summary of decades of actual research on how willpower and self-discipline function. The gist is, discipline begets motivation and not vice versa. There are practical steps one can take to increase their willpower and thereby their motivation.
I asked this same question here on reddit. Someone recommended this book: http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231
I liked it. I still have it on my shelf. I feel like it helped me get through law school.
Yep, Visualization did jack shit for me too. I've read many self-help books, and so far the only ones that have helped me were those written by scientists who have researched their field for a long time, and people recommend them, that also had practical exercises in them. Very specific, but that's the truth. Here's a list:
All the rest, including positive psychology and Tony Robbins and all that jazz, didn't help me none.What area in your life do you want to improve?
I'd be down! I'm in the DC metro, if anyone wants to meet someone local.
A bit about me:
>I feel like setting any boundaries for her makes me controlling.
This is an absolutist view that is just going to get in the way of your being able to set healthy boundaries in the future: I admit that I haven't read this book myself yet, but I see it recommended a lot, so maybe try it: Boundaries
It sounds like you're also having some anxiety about your significance, and could do with some reassurance from her.
She originally put the work in to stop partying and taking drugs once she knew it was a condition of dating you, which would of course have made you feel valuable, but now she's stopped. & now you've just mentioned that you feel like you're subtracting fun from her life if you reiterate that the drugs boundary is important to you. Sounds a bit like you're worried you're not exciting enough on your own.
Basically try and learn about boundary-setting so you can be self-aware about it, but you probably need to sit and have a talk with her.
I completely agree with whoever in this thread said that her choices are her choices: I completely understand why you're concerned about her not applying herself to studying to be a surgeon, you want the best for her, etc, but that really is her problem and not yours. The drug-taking as a personal value of yours should be the only topic when you talk to her.
> I get phone calls SPECIFICALLY for preaching...no I'm serious 30-45 minute calls with my mom and dad passing the phone back and forth to tell me Bible scripture and how I'm a bad person,
Ok, I'm going to change my assessment from 'toxic' to flat out crazy, based on this. This is disrespectful and not the way one human being treats another, I don't care who the participants are. You have been wise to distance yourself geographically, now set those boundaries. You might want to write them a long letter telling them how you feel, and what you will not be putting up with anymore from this moment forward. That kind of stuff would include the preaching/ranting, and trying to make you feel bad about anything (especially not being pregnant yet). This kind of stuff is waaaaay over the line. I recommend this book by a Christian psychologist to help you figure out how to deal with them going forward.
> something about my E-mom makes me feel literally sick, like nauseous to my stomach.
There is a reason why our Gut is known as our second brain. Listen to your gut, it will never lie to you. There's a reason why you feel "sick to your stomach".
> maybe she is a covert N, the self-martyring type of N, who gets the N-supply through self-martyrdom
Your birth giver sounds like a covert N. it sounds like she uses the guise of "helping" to exert control and power over you. Also, I agree, it is a form of N-supply. N's need their egos fed and the best way is to get someone indebted to them or someone singing their praises.
> if she has ever agreed to do something with me, she will drop me like a hot potato the second literally anyone else comes and wants her attention.
because you aren't a person to your birth giver. you are an object she takes out to manipulate and play with. Have you ever seen a toddler play? the moment something better comes along, that toy is immediately dropped and discarded. that toy is you. It's a horrible reality, but N's are horrible people.
> She also walks into my room in the mornings, and wakes me up whenever she wants, like if I am sleeping in late, which is something I was only doing because it was the holidays. She will just knock and then open the door, she has no respect for my boundaries AT ALL.
I would suggest reading books about healthy boundaries and how to firmly establish them. If you want to take it a step furthur, I would suggest speaking to a competent mental health professional.
Here's an interesting and relevant book
It's a sideways approach to your question, but speaks to the building (or destruction) of habits - one of which is appropriate eating.
We don't ever motivate someone else. And that can be agony. But we can support without judgment, ask good questions, make powerful reflections, and be a curios copilot to their journey - if they're willing.
Book: The Willpower Instinct
Website: Zen Habits
Any standard GP should be able to help her try a different anti-depressant. Her fatigue may be a sign of atypical depression which could help guide medication choice.
Some evidence-based non medication based interventions include that are easy to acccess:
Cognitive behavioural therapy
Meditation
Exercise
And remember, in a crisis call 0800 800 717 for 24/7 urgent mental health help.
Source: am a doctor.
The goal of therapy is to process how you're feeling in a productive way. You don't need an external goal outside of that. It's tough to find a therapist who's a good fit for you, regardless of what you're going through, but it's so worth it.
I've had really good luck with Acceptance and Commitment therapy, and I think you might as well. While you're sorting out therapy stuff, you might check out [The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris] (the happiness trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590305841/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_NiVWDbC8K29Y4). He gives a layman's introduction to ACT, and it's what started me on that particular part of my journey back in 2017.
Edit: not sure what's going on with the format
If you have the capability, I'd almost look for a new therapist. It sounds like you are going to therapy, but your therapist isn't really providing any assistance that is working for you.
I also recommend a book called the Happiness Trap. This book was helped tackle some of my stress, anxiety, and depression.
I deleted my Steam folder 3 weeks back. All 560GB of it. Been the most productive ever since, when compared to the last 3 years. Created a new 3D engine from scratch since the old one I was using was not scaling well in iPhone and started working on the game code
I read this book: Will Power Instinct that helped me realize a pattern.
Identifying and updating your habbits help enforce more self control and keep you focused. Currently reading this book: The Power of Habbit
I'm going through something similar, I'm not very far into it but so far I've found this helping a lot: http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375855716&sr=8-1&keywords=kelly+mcgonigal
The book looks at willpower through a psychology/neuroscience lens, and basically teaches you to take advantage of the way your brain works to help you gain more self-control. The author teaches several classes at stanford, and wrote this book after teaching a couple classes on willpower.
You can find out more about it from here: http://kellymcgonigal.com/category/videos/
(I've only watched this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SROtK-LLZvQ , it basically covers some of the more surprising findings about the way the brain works).
Don't beat yourself up, you're a good person and you can get through this.
The Willpower Instinct is a great read if you're open to it. It's not very long and can help you understand your urges and habits which is the first step to getting more control over them, instead of them controlling you.
It sounds like what you're doing is emotional eating, and the best way to stop a bad habit is to replace it with a good/healthy habit that will increase your dopamine levels. Commit to something like light exercise each night, you can try out different youtube videos until you find ones you really like doing. If you aren't into exercising at night, try out some creative hobbies(knitting, drawing, photography, woodworking, etc). These help calm your mind and also increase dopamine levels. Ask your parents if they can stop buying special k for a few weeks if this is your comfort food. Be open with them about how you have been feeling, and they can help you too.
You've made a big first step reaching out for help and admitting that you don't want to do this anymore. Don't give up, even if you do it again one night. Just start over the next day and keep trying.
Yep, this is very relatable. When I read it I thought: 'Are you me?'. I'm a programming major so when I study new things on my own (because it's fun and interesting) I always find myself thinking I will make inexcusable mistakes or that I should easily understand that thing I'm having trouble with because it's my major.
Since I'm having the same problem I did a little research and found a post where someone recommended this book (I've barely started it so I can't really guarantee if it's worth your time)
About the art thing, I enrolled in my neighborhood association art class because I reached the conclusion that there's no other way out than go there and show people my crappy art. As a person with SA/AvPD I'm my worst critic, literally I don't even want to grab the pencil because I'm doing it wrong. I fear start a drawing because the ending result will demonstrate how bad I am at this (and therefore at everything in my life). Now, I'll have the obligation to go to the weekly classes and show my crap to more experimented people (and socialize yaaaaaay). Probably in your closest library there is a writing group. You could try it if you feel brave (I'm trembling just by imagining it so...)
I hope it helps. I feel you because your post is also my daily struggle. At least I want to tell you you're not alone in this.
Edit: typos
You're caught in a biofeedback loop here.
You desire a way to find out how to sustain desire so you can get motivated enough to achieve goals. Those wires are all crossed up. In very scientific terms, I advise this;
Less thinky, more dooey.
If you want some advice on getting things done, I highly recommend The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal.
edit: Here's the audiobook on youtube!
Hey MisterEff, you're not the only one. I totally know what you're talking about. The swing from optimism & motivation in the evening to inaction in the morning, the anxiety, the putting off phone calls, the weird reflex-like turning away from the task in front of you. I've been struggling with it for years and years, too. Sometimes I do better, sometimes worse.
You've seen a few therapists, and you told them far more background than you've told us, and they're professionals, so I hesitate a bit to jump in here and give advice. But you're here asking, and what the heck, I've got ideas from things I've tried, so here goes.
First of all, you say that you do well and you get good reviews. I suspect you don't give this a lot of weight and you don't really believe it because you're judging yourself for not living up to your own expectations. I think that's deadly to your motivation. YOU DO WELL AND YOU GET GOOD REVIEWS, and that at a job that's important and helps other people. You need to let this soak in and let it boost your self-confidence. YOU DO GOOD WORK AND OTHER PEOPLE APPRECIATE YOU. Let it sink in. Engage with it. Regularly, until you start to believe it.
Anxiety: I've gone through periods of high anxiety, to the point that my whole body seemed to be vibrating with it. I've done meditation, tried hypnosis and guided relaxation, and tried an anti-anxiety med for a while. In the end, here's what I think: my anxiety is mostly produced by my thoughts. I think about what I need to do, and how I'm failing to do it, and how I should have done stuff differently, and other doom thinking about stuff that's wrong. The thoughts produce the anxiety. Really engaging with cognitive behavior therapy helped immensely. It got to where I could notice it happen: notice I was feeling more anxious, notice what I'd been thinking about, and sure enough, I'd been driving it up through thinking. It took a while, but I've managed to get rid of that cycle and my anxiety is down 90%.
Aside from reading about CBT, meditation has been a big help in getting better at catching what's going on in my head and how it affects how I feel. I do mindfulness meditation. Started it through a local Insight Meditation center.
My current "thing" is to try to understand that habit of looking at a task to be done and turning away from it, seemingly by reflex without really thinking about it. Something goes "uhm, nope" inside me and reaches for something else to do... reading the news, going to Reddit, etc., you know how it is. I'm trying to catch that moment and not move to the procrastination behavior, but just hang out in it and see what's really going on. I think mindfulness meditation provides the skill and awareness to catch the moment, but also to observe what's going on. Outcome TBD. :)
I get a lot out of social context. If I have stuff to do that no one else directly care about, it's often hard to get going. On the other hand, if I have a meeting, agree on a plan of action, and have a meeting planned to discuss progress, then I'm often very effective. Social contact helps me, consensus helps me (no self-doubt on how to proceed), and having to meet expectations helps me. Is this true for you? Can you use it to help yourself? The simplest for of this for me is "buddy sessions", i.e. sitting down with someone else in one room with the agreement that neither of you will procrastinate while you're there.
A few more things I recommend reading/looking at:
Remember that there is a payoff from procrastination. Turning away from something that makes you anxious gives you immediate relief, and that's really powerful. Recognize that this is a challenge and that it's understandable that you're struggling to overcome it. It's going to take some engagement, balancing, insight, and motivation to overcome it.
Remember, MisterEff, YOU DO GOOD WORK AND OTHER PEOPLE APPRECIATE YOU.
Yes! Keto has helped me control my drinking to a very healthy level. I believe keto has really improved my will power. I also found a book that really helped me understand will power and cravings and how you can practice controlling your own mind. http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583335080
I can see that just like me, you are also trying to make lot of changes in your life..
But to make any dramatic change you have to keep pushing the wheel everyday till it starts moving. Afterwards it's only a question of steering & refueling. But that 'consistent everyday pushing' is the most difficult & challenging part. You can use that 'Emotional Energy' like anger, frustration, realization etc to push that wheel for few initial days but like 'Sugar Rush' it will quickly crash down, especially if you are trying to make many & major life style changes. What you need is a simple but sound strategy w/o much overhead that you can implement daily till you form a habbit of doing it unconsciously.
Good staring points for habbit creation would be:
 
On "All / None" thinking : I think it shows that you have good 'Intent' but bad 'Judgement'. Don't get me wrong because I also behave in similar way. But now I have realized that being Tortoise is more optimal & practical strategy for solving long term problems. All / None strategy often leads to procrastination & abandoning the project altogether. Slow & steady, if not 'wins' the race then atleast 'finishes' it!
 
I can't help but comment upon your breakup. I am sincerely sorry to hear about that. But they say that "Rejection is better than Regret". Love is not life but only a 'part' of it. Life can offer you literally infinite more adventures. And with every adventure there will be good days & bad days. It's the journey that we must learn to appreciate & enjoy. Because happiness is not a 'State' but a 'Skill'. I am glad that you are moving forward with positive changes. You will cycle through many emotions like anger, depression, hate, envy etc. due to this breakup. Don't let any of these transient & harmful emotions drag you back to that vicious spiral. Pay attention to the emotions but don't interact with them. Keep yourself engaged in more fruitful activities & passions like running, jiu-jitsu, work, reading, traveling etc. Focus on youself & your family, on the Present & never the Past. It's a tricky situation, so be vigilant and may the force be with you!
Sorry for the ramblings. All the best... :)
Yep, this is somewhat of a hot field. The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal is a quick and accessible distillation of the research. Sorry, I'm on my phone so I can't type up any full strategies or create a proper link. Good luck!
http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583335080
Others posted excellent keto-related advice - I can't compete with them, so I'll go a little bigger picture on ya and recommend a book on willpower: The Willpower Instinct
I go in streaks on/off/sorta keto, and for me at least it comes down to the willpower issue far more than fool-proofing keto. My kitchen hasn't had non-keto food in probably 2 years, but all it takes for me to slip sometimes is a hellish week at work and a long walk home past my favorite carb-food shoppe and I'm done for. Reading that book really pointed out a lot of things to me that made me recognized what was driving my slip ups.
One of the practices that helps me when I'm tempted - any time you're about to slip, force yourself to wait 10 minutes (have your husband help!). During that 10 minutes, think on your goals and why you want to eat keto. Then see what happens.
No problem!! CBT is great, but I have found that ACT can compliment it nicely and fill in some of the holes it has (eg. "What happens when I challenge a negative automatic thought, but it turns out that there is evidence for it?" was one I had issues with).
If you want a good starter book on ACT, which maybe you and/or your therapist could look at, The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is a great overview. :)
I don't know, I feel like you are making mountains out of mole hills...achieving success (and happiness) can actually scare people because it means there is more to lose! And this often leads people to making self-destructive decisions that undermine and often ruin the success that was at your finger tips (and yes, I am speaking from personal experience - but that's another story!).
I would highly suggest possibly talking to a therapist if that's an option (I'm a fan of everyone at least "checking in" with a professional from time to time). If not, I would suggest starting a gratitude journal.
Also, I would definitely recommend reading either of these two books (by the same author): The Happiness Trap (applying mindfulness to everyday thoughts and feelings). And ACT with Love (applying mindfulness to our relationships). The second book is based on the first one, it is just applying it to relationships. If you only get one, get that one.
Anyways, I hope you figure it all out, OP! Best of luck to you and whatever may come your way!
Cheers,
Chaos
There's growing evidence that treating depression is best done with a multi modal approach. I.e. don't count on one silver bullet but try a multitude of things.
There's nothing static in this world. Things WILL change. Your mind too.
Regarding feeding the capitalist machinery, perhaps take some time and feel what is important to you. Then perhaps change job to something that is more aligned with your values. If your job drains you of energy it's time to look for other options.
No, it's this book. But Happiness Track looks interesting, too.
The book 'The Happiness Trap' helped me. It was recommended by a psychologist. There is a illustrated version, too. https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
I recently read The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. You may benefit from it.
The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (link to amazon) is a great resource for helping to deal with some of this anxiety.
Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) has been a really helpful tool for me and a few of my coworkers who have all struggled with this modern problem.
I can relate to this topic so badly. I can't tell what works for everybody, but I can share what worked for me and what I wished I did way earlier in my life.
Many of these answers suggest that you just go out to public places. I disagree. It may be a cultural thing, as I live in a very introverted culture, but in my experience, this does very little if your mindset is not right. I believe in the mindfulness approach to conquering your thoughts, which in very few words is by not fighting bad thoughts, but accepting them, knowing that you are not your thoughts. Some great books on this subject is Get Out Of Your Mind and Into Your Life and The Happiness Trap. If you like these books, find a psychologist who works with ACT. It gave me so much to see one myself and get his perspective on things.
Now I am going to make some assumptions. If these are wrong, I am sorry, but I hope that you can at least get something out of it.
I would guess that you feel that people wont be able to relate to you or won't find you interesting. Maybe you also suffer from perfectionism and judge yourself really hard. These were the things holding me back. And still are sometimes. Whatever it is, you're probably not sharing yourself with others. People don't know what you're about and that makes it hard to talk to and relate to you.
There's always an uncertainty whenever you open your mouth and express something that isn't neutral. Everything is open to judgement. You have to be completely okay with that. You're probably not right now. Do people like each other and socialize because they are in complete agreement and they think of each other as perfect? No. On the contrary, you become interesting when you have your unique features, good and bad. Unless your bad traits are really dominant, but for most persons they're not. First and foremost, you have to have positive expectations that people will want to hear what you have to say and act like believe it. If you try to stay neutral until you're sure that people like what you have to say, you're going to come of as weird.
I could write a lot more, but I don't want to go of a rant if this is completely unrelatable to you. Please tell me if this is helpful :)
INTP/ENTP "spiritual person" here. Your routine and motivation is not the root issue. The self-hate is the root issue. The way you view yourself and how you relate to yourself (and by extension, the world) is very very dysfunctional, and I guarantee it's fucking up your life in more ways than one.
The negative self-talk is not reality, not objective, and not who you really are. The voice in your head is not only wrong and destructive, it's not even you.
You have a disconnect between different parts of yourself. You hate being "grounded" because when you're in that state, your ego isn't in charge, and you're forced to look at everything inside you you've been fighting. Learn to sit with that pain and not fight it... just let it happen, and watch it swell and then recede. This is, in essence, mindfulness meditation.
Try reading some of these, based on what stands out to you. They are all helpful.
Tl;dr: Learn to be kind to yourself, love yourself, and accept yourself just as you are right now, flaws and all.
While I haven't any "Stoic" advice to offer you yet, as I'm a beginner, I am a veteran when it comes to dealing with OCD and anxiety. I'm not being hyperbolic when I say, the following book saved my life. Please, get yourself a copy if you can't get professional help. It instructs you in the use of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as well as mindfulness, to help you manage anxiety. https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501734358&sr=8-1&keywords=the+happiness+trap
Perhaps a self guided cognitive behavioral therapy book would be good in this situation? Is been shown that working with cognitive behavioral therapy even on your own is really beneficial. I myself have done it with this book https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590305841/ and I would recommend it though there are others that may be just as good.
There's no point in stressing over stress and feeding that negative loop. Stressed women give birth to health babies all the time. Good luck!
Not sure about telling your dog to "piss off" or "fuck off" as the actual cue words... what on earth is wrong with "watch out" or "move"...
Seriously, go buy this book. It's brilliant and will keep you training tricks for a long time.
Here is a great video teaching about how to motivate a dog to tug which can be a great foundation to get a dog to hold objects.
I believe Kyra Sundance instructs holding objects as a foundation for many of her tricks; but I'm not able to confirm that is is different than the tug game while I'm sitting at the coffee shop. I know her intro is in many of her books; I know for sure, off the top of my head, that it is in 101 Dog Tricks Barns and Nobel also carries the book.
Here are my favorite positive training book
The Other end of the Leash: this one is a really fantastic book on understanding dogs, dog behavior, interacting with them, building a relationship with respect versus dominance. Anything by Patricia B. McConnell is going to be solid advice and techniques.
101 Dog Tricks - just gives a really good guidelines on luring your dog into tricks versus forcing them, plus a lot of good tricks that help with mental stimulation.
Play with Your Dog: Just another really good book on good training, playing, and positive relationship building.
Ahimsa Training manual: This is the training manual from one of the best training facilities in Seattle. There are really good positive trainers.
BAT Book: Behavior Adjustment Training by Grisha Stewart: This book was a life saver for me. Shibas are prone to being really reactive and sometimes have issues with aggression and predatory drift issues, and this book really digs deep into understanding your dog and helping them make the right choices and building them up for success. I personally don't think you need to have an aggressive/reactive dog to get a lot of good info from this book.
Anything by Cesar Milan will NOT be positive training methods. He very much does not follow that philosophy. Positive training techniques do not use force, aversion, do not believe in alpha dominance theory, no physical punishment. It is a give and take type of relationship. Cesar Milan style tends to not do well with primitive breeds especially the Japanese dog breeds.
Trick ideas: https://www.amazon.com/101-Dog-Tricks-Activities-Challenge/dp/1592533256
Targeting in particular: http://www.dogwise.com/ItemDetails.cfm?ID=DTB864 --targeting is a building block that can be used to teach advanced tricks like going to marked locations, flipping light switches, and shutting doors.
Wonderful message! Thanks so much for taking your time to write it.
The tone of your writing reminds me of the writing in "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". Maybe you should write a book? :)
Hey man, cheer up. I've gone through this very same phase for several years and when it ended, I felt a wee bit foolish for having such a narrow view of things. It used to depress me that our greatest export is menial labor and we have a general lack of any contribution to the course of human progress (which was actually an essay of some foreigner commenting about Filipinos as a nation). We still have to win an Olympic medal not because we don't have the athletes but because of corruption and politics. What eventually got me out of this downward spiral of toxic loathing was the knowledge Filipinos are not unique with their societal problems. Here, try this: replace the "Filipino" in your statement with "American," "Somalian" or "Korean," and you'll find people who think your statement is true for them as well. Why do you think there's a Futurama meme about not wanting to live in this planet anymore? Because what you're feeling is universal. One very old quote that's stuck to me is "It's not a sin to be Irish, but it is a great shame." Said by an Irish bloke, no less.
Anywhere you look, if you look objectively, life sucks, even in most modern, progressive countries. This frustration is more visceral for you because your proximity to the problems. Try playing the "at least" game:
"at least we haven't bombed a country and massacred vast swathes of innocent people" (still happening now btw)
"at least we haven't invaded and destroyed entire pre-existing societies and cultures, enslaved their people and exploited them to the fullest for personal gain."
Etc etc.
It's all about perspective, man. I strongly suggest reading this book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. Helped me out a lot and now I'm the chillest f*cker in my block (nah, not really lol).
This book isn't so much about boundaries but I think it's an overall great book to read to have a healthy life with better values. It's called The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck
This book does touch on boundaries but it's mostly how to change your perspective of adversity and change for the better.
Hope that helps? :)
I read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life.
It's like studying Zen Buddhism, only with swearing.
>My thoughts are that he's a grown person, living under my roof, so he's either going to eat what we have or get a job and buy his own food.
I completely agree!
Put a boundary and tell him this is the case and this is what you will do as this is your house and your money. Either he can be grateful and accept it (as it is not a punishment or anything - people thrive on plants) or he can move out/buy own food/or whatever degree of manning up/ungratefulness he can afford.
You need a book: Boundaries.
Forgiving is not forgetting. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It goes into this subject with great detail, and it helped me get through some very difficult times with my narcissistic mother.
They have general and more specific versions. I highly HIGHLY recommend reading it.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
I can't offer any advice - only empathy.
My oldest son recently graduated - barely.
He got into a crowd that did a lot of drugs. He started smoking a lot more weed and the harder stuff came.
He'd been stealing for years but we never noticed it.
After some domestic violence issues we told him he had a week after he turned 18 to find another place to live.
He's now living with my exwife - his mother. I was hoping that getting away from some of his more influential friends would help derail a few things but he seems determined to continue in that direction despite his future being in jeopardy.
I have no solution for you. No solace.
This book gave me a whole new perspective on my role in his life.
Good luck.
i highly recommend the book called boundaries. while i'm not religious in any sense it was a good book to help me better understand my mother and why she cannot just say no to my sister and others.it might help your fiancé and also congrats on your wedding.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1452202838&sr=8-2&keywords=boundaries+learning+to+say+no
It does seem like a big deal, and you're right to feel exhausted.
So here's my advice - you have to find a way to stop giving a shit.
I know that sounds facile and a bit like an asshole, but its the truth. Your sister is a grown adult who is being shielded from the consequences of her actions on a regular basis. I understand that everyone wants to help - your mom, you, the driving, the medical card, the tuxedo.
It sounds to me like you were raised in a family not unlike my own. I've come to realize recently, through therapy and a lot of introspection, that I internalized the idea that love = taking care of someone. And while that's not untrue, it puts you in the position you're in now. Protecting your sister from her choices, instead of letting it be her own problem. And I get it too, you know the fallout from not helping, when she really screws something up and ends up in a bad spot. I've also been on the receiving end of it too, and realize how it has affected me.
I often recommend people on here to read the book Boundaries. It has a religious slant, but even if that's not your thing it is very useful.
You cannot change your sister (or your mother, for that matter). But what you can change is how you let it all affect you.
Boundaries, this book has helped me SO much. It helped with self-esteem somewhat as well because I finally felt like I could say NO.
Edit: Forgot to note it has a lot of "christian" talk in it. I just ignored it and applied it to my life and it was fine.
>why does he continue to fucking do this
Because he can. Your mother never left him. Your brother lives with him. You returned home to him. Has his alcoholism cost him anything that he really cares about?
You might find these two books helpful.
Codependent No More
Boundaries
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808
https://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1539842520&sr=1-1&keywords=a+new+earth
I'm not here preaching spirituality, but sometimes as a man what is true for the woman is also what is true for the nature of life. This is a powerful method of holding frame and stoicism which can work anywhere. Actually what got me interested in it was when Eckhart tolle described the pain body as responsible for a lot of the irrational behaviour of women and the failure of most relationships.
He also excellently described the way egos work.
This is also an amazing book by Eckhart Tolle for anyone looking to re-format your lifestyle. It really helps deal with ego and all the stuff that keeps you from seeing what a negative impact you are having on yourself! Some really interesting stuff on parenting in there as well. Written so clearly and beautifully.
http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1420423999&sr=1-1&keywords=awakening+your+life%27s+purpose
Just finished A New Earth by Ekhart Tolle
This was an amazing write up. One that certainly warrants are response of some depth. It should be noted that my reponse will be limited to my readings / knowledge from over the years, and I look forward to some back and forth. Also, you should check out /r/psychonaut as well for some great discussion. Your questions are a bit imposing in their gravity, but I'll try my best to answer them. That being said, let's get started, shall we?
The problem you have stumbled upon is one of the largest issues with the standard model of what "heaven", "God", and "you" are. It is intimated that there is a seperation between these places and beings. This paradox that you have stumbled upon shines a light upon the results as improper. If the answer you find is not correct, that means you either need to change the question, subjectively view your findings, or re-examine the elements of your quesiton. In this case, we are going to do the later.
It is important to note at this point that there is a difference between conciousness and the ego. The ego is the voice inside your head you hear all the time, the fear you feel in a fight, the satisfaction from winning an argument, and has gone out of it's way to prove that it is you. A good book about this topic can be found here and is highly recommended. This acknowledgement of the seperation between your being and your ego is a concept that is very important, and requires a great deal of attention. This is a heavier book, and should only be read when full dedication can be given to the text.
Alan Watts has a significant body of work on the Ego, conciousness, and other illusions of our existance. It would also be a great help to you.
Honestly, I am having issues with putting these thoughts into words. Know that anything and everything you have experienced in your life could only happen because of your physical form. Everything you have ever seen, smelled, touched, heard, or tasted has all been happening in a pitch black container within your own head. This experience of life is temporary, and there is only the now.
This feels like it is a bit scatter brained, and for that I apologize. Unfortunately, you can never be told what it all means, you can merely understand from within. By having someone explain things like this to you, a relationship is developed of teacher and student, intimating a better knowledge of one over another.
Life is a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. We are the Universe experiencing itself subjectively. On a more scientific level, we exist within an illusion.
Again, I apologize for being unable to impart onto you a full and complete thought process. Please pursue these thoughts, keep pushing for new concepts and ideas. If you look into fractals, it may connect a few different concepts together for you.
Thank you for getting my mind to focus on these topics this morning. The day just became infinitely more interesting.
Remember, perception is based on perspective.
> I’m really sorry that this is long. I know that the responses I’ll get on this, if any, will be biased most likely but if any of you could give me advice on what I should read
I've read many books, but the one that has changed my life the most, and has changed the lives of almost anyone I have recommended it to, is this one.
Everyone here probably hates me cause I recommend it all the time, but seriously it's hard to put down. Expect to have your life and perception of life changed forever. People usually recommend his other book, but this book does the best job in explaining the way the human ego/mind works, this is the most important part.
Yes, I recommend doing the following: taking an improvisation course (gets you thinking on your feet), befriending and speaking with a lot of women (they're often great conversationalists), learning about emotional intelligence (read this book), and reading the body language chapter of Unlimited Power. All 4 of these should give you great skills and practice until it's a subconscious skill.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work was a great read. I didn't need all the "I can predict divorce with astounding accuracy!" claims - the book itself was great. It has really concrete examples of good and bad male/female behavior, how to recognize it, and now to break out of the cycle. It also very accurately discussed how there are just long term, unresolveable conflicts in any marriage. No two personalities will completely match, so you need to learn to treat the friction with respect and patience.
Another super interesting book about emotional intelligence is Emotional Intelligence: and Why it can Matter More than IQ. I read this and suddenly the whole "but I'm being logical and you're just being emotional" accusation really took on a new meaning for me. The "logical" person probably has a low emotional intelligence and is probably the person who actually doesn't understand what the fight is about. I really recommend you read this one too. It will help broaden anyone's understanding of what it means to be a high functioning human being.
Who is whining? It doesn't bother me personally, but it does others and could cause a backlash from our representatives and voters.
Glad I could help give you a lesson. You could use a little emotional intelligence. Here is a book you really need to read instead of just trying to piss off people. Emotional Intelligence. Why it is more important than IQ
Psychoanalytic theory isn't going to give you much insight into the mind, sadly. It's outdated by almost 80 years at this point. The main psychoanalytic theories on personality and structure of the mind are the common ones in pop-psych that most people know. Freud believed that early experiences were sexual in nature, and failure at any stage of psychosexual development resulted in being "fixated" on that stage (Oral, Anal, Phallic, or Genital), which lead to problems later in life. It's not a testable or falsifiable theory, so it's been abandoned since before WWII as a serious area of scientific inquiry, though many practitioners of classical Psychoanalysis were trained through the 1980's.
Various Behaviorist concepts now dominate the practical applications of psychology, but don't often give much in the way of insight into the mind as it is considered little more than a processor of stimuli. Neuroscience is left to fill in the blanks of how the mind processes that information, and that's how the vast majority of the modern work on it is done: fMRI studies on stimulus-response patterns creating activity in various sections of the brain. for the most part it's working quite well so far and some people have recently begun having human brains directly transmit information/commands through an electronic medium.
If you're looking more for the internal experience or organization of the mind, there's a very wide variety of authors and theories to choose from. The ideas of Schemas and cognitive development by Jean Piaget are still taught and utilized today as they provide a useful foundation for understanding how the mind learns to process information. Similarly, Lawrence Kohlberg's theory of moral development is also still taught and prominent because of the foundation it lays for understanding the basic information processing that's going on in us all the time, usually without our awareness.
For book recommendations, I would have to go with Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence as a good start for laymen in the field to understand where much modern theory is pointing. Goleman's explanation of the slow and fast processes of perception and cognition (one conscious and slow, the other unconscious and fast) are largely responsible for the Freudian phenomena of the "unconscious mind." The ideas of id and super-ego have been largely replaced with neuroscience regarding behavioral reward pathways in the brain (especially relating to addictions), impulse control, and social influences on behavior (taboos, mores, laws, etc).
Personality theories get complex because just defining what a personality is (or agreeing that such things even exist to define) has proven to be problematic. This site gives a pretty good overview of personality theories in psychology and is very well sourced.
Defense mechanisms are part of the out-dated psychoanalytic model, but are still mostly recognizable today as maladaptive behaviors. They're as varied as the people that come up with them, though some are common across populations and cultures (dissociative fugues, Stockholm Syndrome, Munchausen Syndrome, etc.). I don't really have much recommended reading here for informational purposes, sadly. The idea of a coping mechanism or maladaptive behavior is somewhat nebulous and could be almost anything done cognitively or metacognitively to reduce overall stress on the self, including various addictions, self-delusion, repressing a memory completely, rewriting a memory through repeated story-telling, or just ignoring something stressful and hoping it goes away.
Hope I managed to help a little here, even if I didn't give you exactly what you asked for. Good luck in your search!
There are techniques to help manage emotions, and with practice you can become more proficient at doing so. I read this book by Daniel Goleman about 10 years ago and it has really stuck with me since then.
I've also been struggling with liking myself, my identity, and generally how to live my life the best I can. Hopefully some of my experiences can help you out.
I am currently undergoing CBT and have been reading a lot of psychology-type books to supplement becoming a better person. I would highly recommend Emotional Intelligence as that was recommended when I starting seeing my therapist. It's hard to summarize but it's mainly about learning to work with your emotions and how to work with them effectively.
I would also recommend Learned Optimism if you want to have a more positive outlook, which I assume most people would want.
Finally, I'm reading The Obstacle is the Way right now and I'm really into it. It's mainly about Stoic philosophy and how your perceptions affect your emotions. I've been getting more into Stoicism lately because it's very much about focusing on what you can change and accepting what you can't. Yes, I know we've all heard this before but hearing someone lay it all out with examples really helps you to embrace a healthier way of thinking.
Those three books together have fundamentally changed my outlook on life for the better.
/u/jugglegod, are you female? I ask because female ADHD plays out a lot differently than what has been generally assumed/stigmatized as typical symptoms. Here is a helpful article discussing the gender bias in diagnosis & how many go undiagnosed under the radar-- like I had!
To answer your question, I am an ENFP with diagnosed female ADHD. This was a good read for me yesterday that /u/sonofkratos submitted to the subreddit-- its about ENFP but you will be able to draw some similarities between behavioral attributes in this article and attributes of female ADHD.
I wasn't formally diagnosed until 2011 (age 21), so I have only been on medication for it since then. It has been extremely helpful in addition to methods I use to approach my symptoms.
A really important point I want to make clear is that in NO way did a diagnosis give me an excuse to use in my interactions with others for the way I am. It empowered me to approach my behavior (INTERrpersonal reactionary & INTRApersonal empathy) with cautionary methods to keep me on track.
The diagnosis helped me understand WHY I was frustrated/depressed--
TL;DR I guess my coping methods are ways of constantly nagging myself-- but my biggest gain has been in developing personal empathy and emotional intelligence. As an ENFP, we're highly emotional/passionate, overthink things, and have trouble with relationships by reacting poorly to those that are close to us when we hold them to our often high (and perhaps unrealistic) expectations.
These two books (here) and (here) have recently helped me a lot in the areas where my ADHD and ENFP collide.
Good luck and sorry for the lengthy post!
The Road Less Traveled
I think parents would find more useful information here, but I read it when I was 20(no kids) and found it pretty interesting.
The Alchemist
A quick read, I have felt more at ease and optimistic about life since I read it. Both actually have religious themes--didn't bother a godless man such as myself though.
Motivation to be more creative? Poke the Box by Seth Godin
I have quite a few business-related recommendations, but watching or reading Seth gets my brain going everytime.
I don't know what would surprise you, but something I learned that surprised me is that apparently it's actually true that nobody will push you to drastically change the way you live your life for the better. It's up to oneself to do that. One book we read before attending was The Road Less Traveled. The idea (discussed in the book and at the bootcamp) that life is difficult, and that you must accept responsibility for your problems because they won't solve themselves or go away on their own or be solved by others is you just ignore them, is very true. I thought it sounded kind of cliche, but now that I've been home from the bootcamp over a month I'm realizing how true these messages are and how important it is that I accept them and keep them in my mind if I want to succeed at living the sort of life I want to live.
It's practical if you want it. One participant at the bootcamp with me was from India. He was also participating in Startup Chile, and for that he needed to upgrade his visa from is tourist visa. The Chilean government made it very impractical to do this, so he had to take a 2 day trip to Bolivia for the sole purpose of getting the new visa. Very impractical, but this didn't stop him, so I'd say don't let your citizenship hold you back from a desire to be an international entrepreneur.
Many of the people I met were like no one I had associated with before in my life (I'm 22; recently graduated college). I would say these people were the most exciting aspect of the experience, and they undoubtedly opened many doors for me. I didn't jump through any of the doors immediately, because it wasn't my intention to start a company immediately, but now there are a lot more great people I know who are now in my network, and they know me. They are giving me constant access to certain doors, which I may need in the future.
Yes, I had very similar thoughts about CBT. I didn't know I was on the spectrum at the time but that's exactly how I reacted to it. In the end I found the Mark Williams Mindfulness book and audio the most useful. It really helped with anxiety and overwhelm specifically, it has useful tools to cope with those. It avoids the CBT issues because it doesn't tackle thinking head-on, it's a subtle roundabout way of dealing with the mind. It was this one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
To be honest, ordinary long term therapy was difficult too, and didn't help much. The thoughts/feelings thing still makes it hard to progress. I also found it difficult to follow the therapist's way of conceptualising things. It was too alien.
Yes, some follow up from ASD specialists would be very welcome. There are some NAS conference videos and similar online where they discuss things like anxiety in ASD which I found helpful.
I hope you will find something suitable. Anxiety is a torment. I'm glad to say that mine is much more manageable now.
A good description of wu wei from a non-Taoist, western perspective is the Flow by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
From the wiki:
> In an interview with Wired magazine, Csíkszentmihályi described flow as "being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you're using your skills to the utmost."[12]
I'll give you some books to use as a starting point. You want to start out as generally as possible and then follow what interests you. Someone can give you a list of top books, but if they don't fascinate you enough to really dig in deep and reflect on them to sate your own curiosity, you'll just be scratching the surface. I don't care what it is, you can make money anywhere in the markets. So starting generally will help you find out what direction to go.
So, that said, these are the ones I'd recommend starting out with
https://www.amazon.com/Market-Wizards-Updated-Interviews-Traders/dp/1118273052
https://www.amazon.com/Reminiscences-Stock-Operator-Edwin-Lef%C3%A8vre/dp/0471770884
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400063515/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684840073/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0809045990/
Some less conventional ones I really liked
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1578645018/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1422121038/
Chaos theory describes some properties that pop up again and again in markets. I really liked this one.
https://www.amazon.com/Deep-Simplicity-Bringing-Order-Complexity/dp/140006256X
I also highly recommend finding a few good books on behavioral investing, just to get acquainted with the common mistakes investors make (how you can avoid them, and how you can exploit them). I don't have a lot here because the books I read are outdated and you can find better. So one example:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470067373/
But in general reading about psychology will help you understand the world better, and that's always a good thing.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
My best work in technology usually happens when I'm not grinding away at something, but when I have time to step back and see the bigger picture and think about alternatives and what I'm really trying to accomplish in code, process, or architecture. Once you know that, it's easier to look away for a little while rather than trying to grind through every problem purely through spending time at the keyboard. Also, it's taken me a while to accept that I have physical and mental limits - we all do - that I can push at times, but can't push indefinitely without breaking myself or something else. The book "Flow" gave me a lot of useful perspective about how to structure thinking and working time to do the most good while doing the least damage.
Reading:
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1509714539&sr=8-1&keywords=flow+mihaly+csikszentmihalyi
He sounds like a man who is really struggling with who he is. It's not only that he's depressed but right now he probably doesn't see anything good for himself in this world. He probably feels awful about himself. When you are unhappy with who you are, you will have a tough time to be happy with someone else.
There is a great book called Flow and I think it's an absolute must for him (and for you perhaps). Reading the book and internalizing what I read really helped me break a bad cycle of depressions.
I'm pretty analytical and one aspect of meditation that is understated or perhaps not understood as well as it should be, is it's connection to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's Flow theory.
In Mihaly's Flow, he states this interesting fact:
>At this point in our scientific knowledge we are on the verge of being able to estimate how much information the central nervous system is capable of processing. It seems we can manage at most seven bits of information—such as differentiated sounds, or visual stimuli, or recognizable nuances of emotion or thought—at any one time, and that the shortest time it takes to discriminate between one set of bits and another is about 1/18 of a second. By using these figures one concludes that it is possible to process at most 126 bits of information per second, or 7,560 per minute, or almost half a million per hour. Over a lifetime of seventy years, and counting sixteen hours of waking time each day, this amounts to about 185 billion bits of information. It is out of this total that everything in our life must come—every thought, memory, feeling, or action. It seems like a huge amount, but in reality it does not go that far.
After understanding this, I realized that the benefit of meditation, when it comes to increasing your ability to focus your attention, comes from decreasing the unnecessary clutter/chaos of your wandering mind that ends up wasting your available processing power.
Philosophically I would say that this sort of mindset of developing/controlling your focus and attention is also strongly connected to Stoicism, where the life worth living is one lived virtuously and not getting hung up on things that are out of your control.
What you are describing is called "Flow" and there are several books on this topic, the most important one is this one: https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
It is, and the harder you try to get into the zone the further away you get.
There's about 20 years of research on the concept of flow, I would highly suggest reading Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's seminal novel Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience if you're interested in how it actually works.
I want to read it too! Of course like the other person said, the book won't change your life, but what you do with the knowledge the book offers you. If you're interested in self help books you might also be interested in Flow by by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He's one of the people that helped setup positive psychology. I'm still in the beginning, but I already had a major break through before chapter 1! Highly recommended.
Amazon links are totally cool...we just discourage affiliate marketing in this sub.
Here's your link:
>https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487549634&sr=8-1&keywords=flow
If I'm not mistaken, that "UTF8&qid=" in an Amazon link means that the URL has an affiliate account code built in. Thought since you posted the link it might be your affiliate account.
BUT...somebody else please chime in if I'm wrong about the code. Been a while since I dabbled in Amazon affiliate marketing, and I'm sure there have been changes.
Flow is just something that happens when preparedness and skill level is closely tracking difficulty level. Ever read [this?] (https://smile.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/)
I don't want to promote myself as a definitive cheerleader because honestly this is just a username I chose semi-randomly when I joined Reddit like most people do, but the concepts are really interesting because the implication is that being under-challenged and over-challenged do not lead to flow. Which can serve as a kind of guideline on both how to roll (and who to roll) and more generally, on how to live your life--pursuing challenges not just because you think you're supposed to, or because there is some great reward at the end, but because the process itself will tend to be more engaging and kind of meditative if you do.
If you have Netflix there's a documentary called Happy that's all about this. Very informative. We're hard-wired to search for the next thing. Once our basic needs are covered we still feel like something is missing. I don't think it's necessarily a midlife thing except that's usually when people notice it I suppose.
People who are happy in their life have what's called flow. Dunno if you're a reader but the book I'm currently reading explains it better than I could.
Hope that helps :)
I don't know his specific situation. For option 1, read this book: Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Learn how to enjoy anything. You don't have to read the whole thing; Just cherry pick the chapters that seem applicable to you.
Great share. Thanks.
I recommend anyone interested in the idea of being "in the zone" and its importance read up on the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He is the father of the concept of "flow" in psychology and the book to read is called Flow from 1990 (but it's truly timeless stuff).
Have you read the book? I had a psychology professor assign it for reading back in the day and I was always grateful to have been introduced to this concept. It's good to be in a flow state of mind.
That's why I aerial dance and rock climb and ski. With these activities you'd better "flow"..... or you could die.
The suggestions from /u/random (wow that username!) are both great books and you should also check out Ralph Koster's A Theory of Fun for Game Design. Though not specific to game design, you might also be interested in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
>Finding work that is meaningful is crucial for me.
The work isn't meaningful. You make it meaningful by the way of doing it. Wanna learn how? Read this.
Sounds like you're being pretty hard on yourself. Here's a few thoughts from someone who was also pretty hard on himself:
You'll be amazed at how hard women find it to find a great guy. You can be that great guy.
You really need to get into IC again. I know it’s expensive but it sounds like it should be put into the budget even if you have to cut out other things. Your insurance may cover it.
My husband feels this way often, but he had these type of problems before his affair also. It is very painful for me to be with him while he hates himself. I often feel guilty because I get frustrated since the self pity or self hatred seems so self centered. I don’t mean that in a mean way. It is just hard when all my energy has to be on making him feel better about himself so he doesn’t drink himself to death or find validation somewhere else. Now that he has finally gotten into IC he is doing so much better. He is not completely past it, but it has helped a lot. We also started a marriage class at church which has helped him a lot since he was raised in church.
You have to learn to have self compassion and start to forgive yourself. It doesn’t mean excusing the affair. It just means letting go of the self loathing. It is dangerous not only because it can exacerbate depression and suicidal thoughts, but the next time someone else makes you feel good you could put too much weight on that external validation instead of finding it within yourself.
I wish you well.
Edited to add a book you might find helpful.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061733520?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Yes, this is incredibly common in my trauma research.
I do this all the time. My brain is my worst enemy when I'm in a dark place.
"I hate myself."
"I am useless"
"I am stupid"
"Why am I alive!"
So, that is to say, I do understand. I completely get it.
I'd recommend a book, but if I am honest it takes a long time and a lot of work to make it better in my experience. I wish I knew of a thing that would help quickly and easily, but I don't.
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520/
That is the book. Self-compassion practice is always one of the top features of resilience that trauma researchers recommend for healing. Which is to say, this is a recommendation with some scientific backing, and the book does have lots of practical exercises. It's just slow, plodding work.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristen Neff
This book helped me a lot (I listened in audiobook format)
This is what the book "The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck" talks about. I would recommend reading it.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
I’m reading that now!
The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck was also a good read— and definitely relates.
Not specifically about depression so much as life philosophy, but I am currently enjoying The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F-ck by Mark Manson
I have a notoriously bad memory when it comes to shit that I deem unimportant. There is a 100% chance I forgot where I relocated an item to in my apartment, so I always put things back in their place immediately after finishing using.
There is also a 100% chance that I'm going to forget the bad shit people did to me 3+ years ago. It mattered at the time, but it is no longer important in any way that currently impacts my life. The good shit, I'll remember indefinitely, but the bad? That doesn't benefit me.
Contrast that with two of my exes that have memories seemingly laser etched in titanium alloy to survive the aeons. They bring up shit that I forgot all the time. I can tell they still feel things related to these memories and I just... don't.
I'd point out that I am by far the least stressed of anyone I know. I've never read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, but I'd guess that either I'd get nothing out of it or could add chapters to it.
I guess my answer is that I remember the good things and forget the bad things. This results in me generally being happy. Don't dwell on the bad. It doesn't matter anymore.
Check out The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck if you haven't already, I feel this would be relevant to you and /u/mayg0dhaveMercy
Edit: also I find socializing with everyone helps me forget that I'm bad, circus people in general have been very nice
Just read this book "Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck". It is by far one of the best books I have come across that helps in such circumstances. I was there too, but now in a better place.
OK, I normally prescribe whiskey, but in your case, I'm prescribing a book.
It took a major labour dispute for me to get the point, but I no longer give a fuck about my job beyond getting it done, and I've never been more content in the workplace.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oNgvCbKRPADN3
I thought this was a great book!
+1
Would recommend the book this book as a starter to the not giving a fuck lifestyle.
I dunno. I think it's a mixture.
Guys like Roosh always seemed like weirdos to me, and he's so angry that sometimes I've thought, "He doesn't sound like someone who does well with women. He sounds more like an angry incel."
I don't think RSD doesn't care about helping men be successful with women. I just think they have multiple goals: make money, help men succeed with women, and avoid bad press coverage. It's actually quite hard to measure "help men succeed with women". Yeah, there might be some guys who have a little bit of success ("I made-out with a girl at a bar!") and think that it signals long-term success with women when it doesn't. Money and avoiding bad press are MUCH easier to measure, so they end up becoming more important.
I've seen some other pickup guys who seem to have decent success getting women into bed, but don't really have good success beyond that. Some of these guys seem to have mental-health (Mystery) or anger issues (Roosh), but those issues somehow manage to propel them to short-term success with women. I should also point out that some of these guys are just pretending to do well with women as marketing. I remember Roosh getting caught using the photos of models that he had never met or slept with, but he wanted guys to think he had picked-up these women. (He got called-out on a talk show and they had one of the models show up.) I can think of a few others who also got caught using paid actresses.
There are some guys who have been in the pickup-coach scene who seem to do alright. Did you know that Mark Manson (author of "The Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck") was a pickup coach and had even put-out a dating product for men?
Check out this book
You are only 25...you can turn your life around and be happy. Don't put all your self worth in a job, because that will never truly make you happy.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478214988&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+fuck
Might help a bit. I'm enjoying it.
I'm also quite depressed, though. So who am I to say.
for learning/cognitive related i recommend checking out:
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman,
Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson
and the various Cal Newport books (he also has a blog),
Thomas Frank from College Info Geek is also cool.
i personally prefer actionable coaching over talk therapy as it helps me get shit done rather than sit around and introspect which i already do enough of.
there is a /r/Stoicism
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo, check it out
Brene Brown for self compassion, talks on Youtube, you could check out.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson is another good one.
Take a look at Unstuck - https://www.unstuck.com/
While they are trying to sell you some things there is plenty of useful thought cookies for you to munch on.
This one came up recently - https://www.unstuck.com/advice/escape-drama-triangle/
Also highly recommend meditation and attending some days run by Buddhists. Some good tools to be learnt on letting go of things and generally giving less shits.
And this book - https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
Read this if it helps you.
I was depressed and medicated when I was 18 - 19 then I found hope in myself and resigned to the fact that I control my happiness.
I have some degree of social anxiety caused by hypervigilance but my wife knows how to identify it and keep me from going off the handle, liquor seems to help too not that I condone using booze to suppress cognition. Interesting thing is I'm actually incredibly comfortable in front of large crowds speaking, singing, presenting but put me in a mall, the stampede or on a street downtown late at night and I see and hear everything all at once. It's a great bar trick to be able to cold read someone but it sucks when you are trying to pay attention or enjoy something.
I recently read a book because I was feeling very uneasy about where my life is heading (common problem for our generation) and I felt it really really helped me.
https://www.amazon.ca/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062641549/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497969336&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f
Just figured I'd throw that down, to contribute.
Chin up lads :-)
Charter schools have significantly greater success in poor urban areas likely because, as per Heckman, "achievement" is the consequence of IQ plus "executive function" -- behavior such as impulse control, focus, acting constructively towards other people, etc. ... with executive function being the dominant of the two in producing level of achievement.
E.g. the noted psychologist Roy Baumeister reports that young children who passed the famous "marshmallow test" by resisting eating a marshmallow for 15 minutes (when promised two marshmallows if they succeeded) years later scored 210 points higher on their SATs than did the kids who quickly failed the tests, after adjusting for IQ, socio-economic status, etc.
IQ can't be taught but executive function can. The best charter schools expressly focus on improving executive function. As per both Heckman and Baumeister the greatest deficiencies in childhood executive function are found among children from poor and broken families in poor urban neighborhoods. Among rich neighborhood children the general deficiency is not nearly as bad. The rest is QED.
Firstly, as most people here have rightly pointed out, starving yourself is the worst thing you can go. Glucose metabolism has a lot to do with levels of motivation.
Motivation has everything to do with willpower. Yeah you can take life lessons from people. But better than that would be to understand and break down the concept of Willpower itself. You need to recognize it, conserve it and learn how to wield it efficiently.
So I recommend you what I recommend to everyone who asks about similar topics. Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. No other book breaks down better the science behind willpower and its implications in everyday life. Once you understand the fundamentals of willpower, you can work it, morph it, and strengthen it.
I'm sure there are thousands working off of Baumeister's work. This is the non-academic title he helped author about his studies. I highly recommend it.
Read this book, immediately: http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231
It will change your life forever. I promise.
I highly recommend this one: Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength.
What makes it special is that it's not a book of thought exercises or empty self-help crap, it's an overview and interpretation of the latest scientific research on human willpower. Well written and extremely illuminating. I read it twice, and I very rarely do that.
OH No doubt. As I said.. you STILL have to pay fair wages...
Actually just started reading The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work
This guy proposes that our model is wrong.. we chase money thinking that more will bring us happiness... which it never does. Instead, we focus on being happy and by doing so, we inevitably make more money because we are more productive etc. (I KNOW sounds like total self help BS) but, Google, Coca-Cola and others have this guy come in and model their 'cultures' following the same principles...
Actually found him via his TED talk ...
EDIT sorry.. thanks /u/julian88888888 nice article.. clipped to my evernote on this very topic..
Go take some time to yourself man. Figure out some ways to make yourself happier in the present. Take a look at The Happiness Advantage if you haven't in the past, it is a very scientific book that outlines proven ways to improve your current happiness.
I'm a big believer in the hedonic treadmill. Be wary of any time you are sacrificing your happiness now in order to become happier in the future. You COULD be making a mistake.
EDIT: and if you do decide to go the lower-income route, make sure to sub to /r/leanfire!
First of all, rent a P O box for 6 to 9 months at the closest US Post office & have all your mail sent to it and use it as your forwarding address. That way she can't "forget" , or just say she was concerned when she says it was "from the bank" or "from your school" and opens letters addressed to you.
Do not tell your parents that you are doing this. Also make sure all your accounts such as checking, savings and credit card are in your name only.
When she asks for information about bf, say that you do not know and suggest that she ask him directly. Be sure you let your bf know your new response just in case she actually decides to ask him.
As for wedding plans, say that he has not brought the subject up and that for now, the topic is not up for discussion. Repeat- Mom, I am not discussing that with you. Then either leave the room, change the subject, or let the silence hang in the air.
Edited to add: There is a book written in 1992 called Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud that I think is pretty good & has some pretty good tips in it. It lightly "Christian" -
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1/177-5129525-2207315?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396549240&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+by+townsend
Read the book Boundaries. It really helped me to start saying no to people when they would ask to borrow money, which ruins relationships many times.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396383021&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries
It was a process that started when I read the book linked below. You can simultaneously have healthy boundaries and care. You just understand what's your responsibility and what is not, and that it's OK to say "no". You stop taking on other people's responsibilities and burdens, both emotionally and physically. Those around you will be surprised and not happy when they start, for the first time, to hear you say no. (There are nifty ways to say no that soften the blow for example "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me").
Being without healthy boundaries does not equal "being a good person" it just means you don't have healthy boundaries. For instance, you can't be a good parent without healthy boundaries.
https://www.amazon.ca/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
By the way, if you're going to try to develop boundaries you have to also learn the tactics that manipulators use to try to control you because those types will challenge your boundaries constantly. Eg: Guilt tripping or playing the victim. You see a lot of those two in progressive politics. We are now supposed to feel guilty for things that happened hundreds of years ago! LOL. ("Manipulator" is just a fancy word for bully). >>>>https://www.amazon.ca/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301
There are lots of boundaries books on the market.
Oh man, where to start...
Here is the easy suggestion:
Here is the hard suggestion: Develop better inner strength and personal boundary. Here is a short list. We are not all that different than domestic abuse victims, we tend to play down or rationalize the abuse and go back for more ("It will be different this time" or "I must give him another chance" or "I will do thing differently this time"). I am no saint myself. You need to confront the real reason why you are willingly participate your cycle of abuse, because all of the reason you gave for going back to live with them can be achieved by living with a friend, short term rental, or hotel. Despite how your privacy is important to you, you still decide to risk it (your mind is probably made up about living at home despite whatever I say) and hoping to band-it it with some quick fix.
Protecting yourself and your life take a lot of effort and a lot of inner strength. It is really hard and sometimes it hurts. Your family has not yet earn the privilege of having you living at home. You are a precious person, your life your way, and if you don't see yourself as such, then you are only going to get hurt.
Love and respect are what relationships are built on. Love means sacrificing your needs and wants for hers. Sounds like you think she's great (respect) and that's a good start but you have to let her be herself and have friends and relationships other than with you.
That said, there are a few different things you can do. First be honest with her about how you are feeling. And don't be angry just be honest that her hanging out with this guy gives you anxiety. Ask her if she would be willing to set some boundaries with this person like not meeting one on one or inviting you to hang out with the two of them so you can get to know him and get more comfortable with the two of them being friends. One question though, is this guy an ex-boyfriend? In my opinion, if he's an ex it's fair to just ask her to stop talking to him altogether. But regardless, don't freak out, just gather more information and calmly ask your SO to set some boundaries.
edit: also, read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud it is amazing and it will change your life and relationships for the better. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
I agree! It is a total rip-off!
​
I would recommend that you try reading this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/074995308X/ref=as_li_tf_til?tag=drdannypenman-21&camp=1406&creative=6394&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=074995308X&adid=0C65KDVEXA3E12FA555K&
​
It contains a 8 week meditation programme with different techniques. There is also an app if you dont want the book, it is for 5 USD (one time fee). The programme is designed by actual professors and is tried and tested.
Been living alone for about 4 years now, struggled badly at times due to depression and loneliness. Started doing some mindfulness practices and meditation to deal with it last year and it has made a huge improvement. Still have bad days but the frequency and duration have decreased dramatically and I'm much more grateful for what I have.
https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/074995308X/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_1LVHDbH3H4W3R
That's the book that got me started. If you're skint let me know and I'll send you a copy, I have a few spare that I bought to give away.
> I started to look for private therapy/counselling but a) it's a minefield, and b) it's very expensive. If I'm going to pay £120 an hour for someone every fortnight I would like to know that person has a great reputation.
>
Also this mindfulness book/CD: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/074995308X/
You need to combine that app with learning CBT. I don't see why anyone can't just read up on it rather than attend sessions. You need to learn how the brain ends up in fight/flight feedback loops - and how to identify the 'thought patterns' that are bad, and how to break them.
Well I think this may possibly be more complex than Feeling Good as I think Feeling Good is really palatable. I think the Feeling Good Handbook is better to keep and look up tidbits from the table of contents.
But my one suggestion is "A Guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis. This is REBT which is like the progenitor of CBT.
It basically hammers home one concept, one exercise, and that's ABC(DE).
In this book many of the chapters and concepts are taught through a conversation between client and therapist.
It's simpler as it focuses on one thing, ABCDE. However, goes deeper because of the narrowed scope.
It's pretty logical, clean, and elegant system. Though, seems quite opposite from ‘Your Erroneous Zones’ from what I see from the pages on Amazon, more rigid.
Check out the table of contents and pages I've linked from Amazon and see if you're interested.
I highly recommend Ellis' best seller. Enjoy the book but i also recommend to listen to his audio seminars on youtube. Hear the theory explained from the man himself.
Does anyone here do any daily readings of anything not explicitly Stoic?
(To answer for my own case: I occasionally read A Guide to Rational Living.)
That book sounds really interesting. Thanks for the lead.
I think you might like the book "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert. It addresses both your complaints about methodological issues with determining people's happiness levels, and discusses issues with people having difficulty determining what will and won't make them happy.
> I do notice that people with more money tend to value it more highly.
I would completely disagree with this, myself. I have noticed that poor people are much more driven by money than wealthy people, and spend much more time concerning themselves with it.
Also I'm not sure that your objection has anything to do with whether or not money has decreased utility for someone who is rich than someone who is poor. It is to some extent unimportant whether Bill Gates values $100 more or less than someone starving to death, what matters is how much utility each would see with that additional $100. The individuals subjective opinion is not the question, the direct utility of the money for that individual is.
Some popular psychology books that are very well done:
Stumbling on Happiness by Dan Gilbert
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions by Dan Ariely
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Chialdini
Stumbling on happiness did some good things for me. It focuses on how happiness is portrayed in our society versus how it occurs in reality.
Very cool stuff, and let me know that I wasn't actually unhappy. I was just believing a lie perpetrated by our society.
GREAT book recommendation for you... Stumbling On Happiness. Explains this very thing and is a VERY good read. Essentially...
Our minds are wired to project what's happening today on to tomorrow, and so on. When your today is sad and depressing, you automatically want to think tomorrow will be as well. It's a thought process that everyone does automatically.
Some people lack the ability to be able to project positive things on to tomorrow and they stay in their depression. Others are able to think positively and overcome the sad thought in various ways and not get stuck in depression. Those who cannot, suffer from it longer. There are many mental illnesses that come into play for all sorts of reasons (chemical imbalances, brain damage, disorders, etc. etc.) that can affect the strength of the depression.
Here's an excerpt from the book:
>Imagination cannot easily transcend the boundaries of the present, and one reason for this is that it must borrow machinery that is owned by perception. The fact that these two processes must run on the same platform means that we are sometimes confused about which one is running. We assume that what we feel as we imagine the future is what we’ll feel when we get there, but in fact, what we feel as we imagine the future is often a response to what’s happening in the present.
Hey there. It's always great to tackle problems with willpower; ultimately it's you that is going to need to put the methods you learn about into practice, and these books may help give you hope, and a strategy as to how best to apply it to depression.
What gave me the sense of "good fortune" (more an exercise in positive writing) was the diary experiment in the Happiness chapter of 59 Seconds.
I would recommend Learned Optimism for anyone wishing to supplement therapy with self-help, but keep in mind it may not work for everyone, so keep on pursuing other routes until you find one that helps. The book contains quite a lot of information explaining the scientific validity of the claims it makes, so you might want to skip that and dive in to the bits that will help you the most.
Looking at the book, I'd say reading all of Part One of Learned Optimism is crucial, as well as Chapters 12 and 15.
Good luck, PM me if you need any help.
As trite as it sounds, the true resolve is sculpted from within oneself.
Mindfulness meditation is a starting place.
All of you who are feeling a resonance with the original post, and the general idea that gaming isn't going to lead to fulfillment, you're onto something. I'm going to post a few links to books which I feel would be beneficial for those of you who have this same feeling. They helped me when I was down (and down I am again) and I hope they can do the same for some of you:
Mindfulness In Plain English
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
Learned Optimism
If we're suggesting a reading list, I have an addition that might be pretty helpful. I haven't read it, but my colleague has given me the run down and speaks highly of it.
The more resources the better tbh, keep on the lookout for decent self-help books. Read them. Come back to them in a couple of months and read them again, just for it to sink in better.
Good luck OP!
I believe there is a lot of room in modern Stoicism for Optimism, two things that theoretically shouldn't co-exist.
In a theoretical sense, thoughts of the future are "externals" and should therefore be disregarded. However, the day to day realities of nearly every person in the 21st century include some thoughts or worries about what is coming in life.
I've had quite a few heavy-duty health concerns in the past 2-3 years and just having the "Will" to be Stoic isn't always a guarentee when you are going through adverse times and i've found Optimism to be incredibly helpful.
Learned Optimism - Wiki
Learned Optimism - Book
[Interview with Viktor Frankl (Holocaust Survivor)] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlC2OdnhIiQ)
This is the very typical thought pattern of clinical depression, and it is a common consequence of experiencing bullying and abuse and mistreatment while growing up. When you feel bad, you begin to think you are bad. The bad feelings and negative thoughts creates a vicious
circle. It becomes habitual so it can be hard to break.
I can relate. I was an abused kid and I have depression problems to this day. I'm much better at handling it now though than I was.
Therapy can help greatly. So can anti-depressant medications (they tend to work best for people who don't have an obvious cause for feeling depressed). So can understanding how it works, so you can change the thought patterns that cause the depression.
If getting therapy for her is a problem (it's very much a trial and error thing), there are books that can help. Two that have helped me the most are:
There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber.
and Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman.
You can help her by letting her know "just because you feel bad, doesn't mean you are bad." You have to replace her belief patterns with new ones. She's so used to thinking poorly if herself that criticisms are automatically believed and taken personally. Compliments tend to be not believed and dismissed because they conflict with her self-image, and they make no sense in her belief system. You need to back up the compliments with WHY the compliments are true. Give her reasons.
If she's wonderful, tell her why. What's wonderful about her? The more reasons you can give her, the more it will help. Treating her really well will help too, over time. She has to learn to believe all the abuse and mistreatment wasn't her fault, she did nothing to deserve it, it was just others being cruel. Let her know that even when she feels she's at her worst, you still think she's wonderful, depression and all. She'll have difficulty believing you at first. "he's just saying that to make me feel better"...then "okay, he actually believes it, but it's not true"....but eventually it'll be "wow....he's right...it IS true...it's just my head messing with me, that's all." You have to be steadfast, and your actions have to match your words.
She needs to learn how to nurture herself, especially when she's feeling down and the dark part of her mind is attacking her. It's an illness. it's not something she has conscious control over. It can be treated.
A few books have changed my life. Most directly these two:
The Now Habit and Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life
On a personal level of how I view the world Man's Search for Meaning by Vikto Frankl and The Moral Animal: Why We Are, the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology have helped me to understand the people in the world around me.
Spiritually, Siddhartha and the Book of John in the New Testament have helped me to be a better human being.
If you'd like help calming your mind I'd make a personal recommendation that you go to a local buddhist center of practice and attend some free vipassana or mindfulness meditation instruction.
I'm also very sensitive to woo, but a decent book I've been working through lately is Buddha's Brain, which speaks about the benefits of meditaiton at large, not just zen. There is a very slight admission of some woo in one of the very first chapters when regarding the validity of the religious belief of there "being more to the mind than just meat" or something like that, but you never see it again afterwards, much to my relief, the rest of the book is quite helpful.
Great advice, though you should probably give credit to the book you got it all from.
The Willpower Instinct
Definitely a helpful book for getting through NoFap. Or if you dont want to buy the book, orsz gave a pretty good summary of each chapter.
I highly recommend reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386
The UK's NHS recommend/prescribe this one
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
Have you tried mindfulness meditation or prayer? I also struggle with this and i'm trying to get some sort of prayer or mindfulness meditation in everyday. The prayer is easy for me as i'm a Muslim. I recommend the following book for mindfulness:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
Edit: Oh and def bring it up with your psych. That is what they are there for.
Hey brother,
First; reading about your experience truly touched me. You seem like a good, honest guy and it makes me really sad to think of you suffering.
Secondly, you're not alone. My name is Joe, I'm 20 years old, from England (my brother is called Daniel too). At points over the last three years or so I've experienced some pretty serious anxiety too. I dropped out of school when I was 18 with no prospect of going to university and it was during the first few months that I began to feel very unwell mentally. It was almost exactly as you described - horrible unstoppable thoughts all the time, total alienation from my family and friends, I felt incapable, my digestion totally stopped working, I worried about my future constantly. Although I was never suicidal, at its worst I began to lose a sense of my own identity. Like you I was also at the point where therapy and professional help were the next option. The only reason I'm telling you this is that I saw quite a few similarities between us and I want you to know that, although I don't know you or your problems, there are lots more people coping with anxiety than you think, you're not alone.
You're gonna be OK. Mental illness is so confusing, but the fact that you've written here, the fact that you're searching for the answer, for the solution, is what's going to get you through this. Don't give up.
I beg you, please get this this book: "Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world" by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.
It’s an 8-week course on Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, a technique developed by the authors to treat patients with schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder using Buddism-inspired meditations. I still remember, after a week or so of following the course (20-30 minutes of meditation a day), the first time I finished one of the guided meditations and I could no longer hear my thoughts. It was a relief like none other I’ve ever felt and since that moment, whatever I have been doing and whatever mental state I've been in, meditation has always been the foundation of mental wellbeing to which I return. I credit this book - alongside some other lifestyle changes - to my recovery, and I have recommended it to everyone I know who so much as thinks the word ‘anxiety’. Through this book I learned the power of meditation and through meditation I have come to Buddhism, both now cornerstones of my life. Please, please get this book, read it, and do the course. After a few weeks of the guided meditations, you may start to see some improvement. Even if it’s only enough to encourage you and help you persevere, it’s worth it.
As for your question about medication; my best friend became depressive just over a year ago, and he committed suicide in March 2017. His illness was far worse than what I had gone through and he had been hospitalised and was severely delusional. In that instance, medication was definitely the right way to go and although the pills affected his personality a bit, he was transformed from being unrecognisable and delusional to being slightly subdued. He stopped taking his medication for some weeks before he died and this allowed his illness to return stronger than before. In serious psychosis or anything approaching it, don’t take any risks, seek professional help and follow the doctor’s instructions.
However, when I was unwell medication was not the right way. I was also wary of professional help so I quit my job, stopped studying to retake my exams so I could focus on getting better. I started going for a walk with my Mum every night and told her everything about my drug use and how I was feeling mentally, which helped so much. I spent more time doing things I liked, like making music and cooking. Exercise, sleep, healthy food, social contact will all help. 18-20 is a common age for mental illness, but don’t let it tie you down, think about all the stuff that’s important to you and start living for it, even if your brain is pulling in other directions. You will find your way through this Daniel, I think your intuition has served you well if you’re looking into meditation. Get the book (please).
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1506362269&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+a+practical+guide+to+finding+peace+in+a+frantic+world
I’ll stop here anyway.
Much love and keep going,
Joe
I got this book after seeing it recommended on this sub:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
The meditations are available freely:
http://franticworld.com/free-meditations-from-mindfulness/
Currently following the eight-week program myself; it's quite helpful so far. There are probably other resources on mindfulness, but this one seems highly regarded.
As a fellow panic-attack sufferer, I feel that pain. My anxiety is androphobia though, not general, but I imagine the solutions are similar. Medication to get you through the worst parts, then talk yourself out of your fear with logic. I suggest the book A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. Extremely helpful book.
Work out as much as you can with your condition, the hormones released from exercise can't be replaced any other way and are necessary for humans. Hence why people who don't exercise get depressed easier and become overweight, etc. Watch some TED talks on the subject. The healthier your body is, the healthier your mind will be.
Keep trying to find a therapist. Very little helps as much as good therapy, except useful medication. I can't even imagine how my life would be if I'd not had either of those at crucial junctures.
OP,
Unfortunately until and unless your husband decides to stop drinking, nothing will improve.
Despite what some are saying on this board, your husband is an alcoholic. He has no control when alcohol is involved.
I have lived your life. There was a mental illness component in there as well with my SO, but I absolutely understand the hidden drinking. The lies about stopping. The promises to stop. The drunk driving. The no sex. I have been there and done that. He had every excuse in the book why there was no sex. I was picking on him with the drinking. I didn't dress up/down/sexy enough for him. He was tired. I just needed to do ... whatever.
The problem wasn't me. The problem was him. And the primary issue was the alcohol. It was all-consuming. Everything else was a side-effect of the drinking.
You need to make arrangements to get out. Yes, you love him with all your heart. And he loves his alcohol with all his heart. I know the pain and tears and threats and lost dreams and incredible pain. I have been there and lived it for six years. Al-Anon was suggested to me. I went once, but I'm not a believer and don't subscribe to the give your life to a higher power, so it wasn't for me. Not to say it's bad, just wasn't for me. I got more out of REBT.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You may not be ready to hear this and you may choose to react to this post with incredible anger. Again, I've been there. it took me six years before I finally said enough.
Hugs. It was an incredibly difficult time.
Probably because you've been conditioned to think in an ineffective manner.
If you really have a problem with feeling unhappy, check out one or both of these books. They might be the best money you ever spend.
Make yourself Happy and Remarkably less Disturbable by Albert Ellis
Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis
I have to warn you though, Dr. Ellis lays it out without a lot of hand-wrining. He's compassionate, but to the point.
Beginner/Self-help level:
A New Guide to Rational Living
Therapist/Clinical level: Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy
It stopped a couple years ago when I really confronted my social anxiety and corresponding lethargy/apathy/depression. I got a book on Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy by Albert Ellis (link) and studied it closely. It's kinda dated, but it really helped me.
I also began to figure out what career I wanted, and worked very hard towards it. This gave me a feeling of worth independent of my social/romantic life. I cared less what people thought of me because I knew I was going to achieve what I wanted regardless.
I still deal with a lot of social anxiety and anxiety in general, but I got over the very worst of it then.
she won't do it, you need to get out of that situation. I had a boyfriend threaten me with suicide if I didn't come over and visit him. I called the police to check on him. He was very cross with me, but no way was he actually going to kill himself. It's her beliefs about herself and the world that make her upset... check this author out....http://www.amazon.co.uk/Guide-Rational-Living-Melvin-Powers/dp/0879800429/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452195746&sr=8-1&keywords=albert+ellis
Many people here seem to take your assertion in the context of logic, and I think your example made it clear that that's not the right context.
Ellis and Harper expand in your idea in A Guide to Rational Living. I think you might enjoy it (if you haven't already read it :).
I too had seen several shitty therapists, only one or two had any brains or critical thinking skills but where religious which is big no-no for me.
Lucky for me, an acquaintance recommended this book: A Guide To Rational Living which introduced me to REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy). After reading the book I looked up REBT and found one therapist nearby who I've been seeing for over a year and I am now in maintenance mode where I only have monthly sessions.
Albert Ellis developed this form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and he was an atheist, I think that it is evident in REBT. There are REBT therapists all over the country, the Albert Ellis institute website Ellis wrote some books with unfortunate feel good titles, but full of good techniques.
Hopefully, there's an REBT therapist in your area.
Good luck
Optimists may seem unrealistic to someone in the pits of depression, but there have been studies that have showed that optimists are far more successful and effective.
You can choose how to see things. When I react to something, my mind goes right to the negative. Let's say my boss criticizes me. My mind goes right to: I'm going to lose my job... I'm going to be homeless... I never get anything right... etc. This is assuming a lot of things that might not be anywhere near the reality of a situation.
An optimist might choose to see the criticism as a good thing - a chance to grow and learn - and not extrapolate to predicting doom. This is a far more productive course.
You can do "all the right things" on paper, but that is no guarantee of happiness for many reasons.
There are lots of good books out there about this kind of thing. You can go to Amazon and look up books on happiness.
I liked ["The Happiness Hypothesis"]. (http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Hypothesis-Finding-Modern-Ancient/dp/0465028020/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1317856948&sr=8-5). My husband liked ["Stumbling on Happiness."] (http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1317856948&sr=8-7) I am currently reading "The Happiness Project" and loving it... a friend recommended it.
All that said, the most effective way to treat depression is meds combined with therapy. Even with all the best books in the world, a wounded mind might not be able to do anything helpful with the information.
Botany of Desire. The title turned me off, but it's actually really interesting and my whole family has read and enjoyed it.
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary lives in North Korea Serious stuff, but so fascinating.
Stumbling on Happiness. Fun read on human nature and happiness.
> Oh yeah, a rich soccer mom really struggles in life compared to a homeless man... what a load of shit, clearly some people have a worse live than others.
I'm certainly not denying that some people have better life circumstances than others. However, depression and hopelessness are by no means confined to people with crappy life circumstances. People can be happy even in bad times; happiness is actually at least partially a choice and a cultivated skill.
A rich soccer mom can still feel depressed and hopeless. These feelings are subjective.
>Incels have it far worse than normies that a fact.
Subjectively, yes, but not objectively. I'm not denying you FEEL isolated and depressed. But consider that the incels on here by and large have pretty wonderful life circumstances compared to a good chunk of the current world's population. Impoverished beggars, ditch diggers, and female sex slaves in the third world have it way rougher than the incels, if you want to compare miserable life circumstances. All of those girls kidnapped by Boko Haram would probably give an arm to trade places with a lot of the incels on here.
There's a great book called "Stumbling on Happiness" that describes well this problem with human brains. Even non-alcoholics have this problem. For example, people buy more Girl Scout cookies on-the-spot than through mail order, because your "future self" is on a diet, but your present self is not.
Stumbling on Happiness
Stumbling on Happiness is a remarkable book that mirrors Predictably Irrational in a lot of ways. Can't recommend it enough.
My post is based off of my own personal experience, as well as research in my field. If you're interested in the research I had in mind, here's a great book by the researcher himself (no bridge sales involved) that anyone can read, or you can read the wikipedia write-up on some of his studies.
Personally, I like to take on more work at my job as well as exercise when I'm down. Video games can get my mind off of things, but I try not to get too engrossed in them.
It sounds like you've been through some tough times. The beauty of life is you always have an opportunity to forge your own path. As cliche as it may be, after every storm there is a rainbow. This is your opportunity. Here is my road map for you:
Good luck, let us know how you go.
I second the recommendations for meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy. For a good how-to book on meditation I highly recommend this book by Eric Harrison. Martin Seligman's Learned Optimism will teach you how to perform cognitive behavioral therapy on yourself without having to pay a therapist $200 an hour.
Also, don't underestimate the value of ritual. In my (admittedly controversial) view, much of the occult/mystical/hermitical/magical wisdom out there ultimately boils down to a collection of rituals and techniques to focus your mind and continually re-orient yourself toward what actually matters to you. Typically they involve intricate ways of rebooting the nervous system so that the practitioner returns to ordinary life refocused on their "true will" and free from some of the inertia we all gather during the strains and distractions of daily life. Phil Hine's Condensed Chaos makes a fascinating philosophical and practical introduction to this approach.
Wedge pillow may help. A makeshift one did for me.
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400078393
This may also help. It's by one of the top researchers in the field. I also finished a PhD, and this could put put under helpful soft skills
You might always struggle with depression, but it will be gone some of the time. I was depressed for over a decade, but it's been mostly gone for about a year. Therapy helped a lot and so did a book I read called "learned optimism". http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420999672&sr=8-1&keywords=learned+optimism
Exercise helps a lot. Since you're in high school, play a team sport if you aren't already.
The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want - Sonja Lyubomirsky
Learned Optimism - Seligman
MAn's Search for Meaning - Frankl
I have felt like this over the years. But you do have to work at happy. Its harder for us than others, but even those with a better balance of chemicals in their brains, work at it.
Have a read of Learned Optimism, or something similar to understand it better.
http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393
I just finished The Buddha's Brain, which my therapist suggested and I really enjoyed. Now I am working on The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings. The writing itself is clear and concise, which is helpful for someone who is just beginning to explore these ideas. The ideas themselves, though, are extremely challenging. Thich Nhat Hanh says at one point that "Rightness or wrongness is not objective. It is subjective....[A]ll views are wrong views. No view can ever be the truth. That is why it is called a "point of view." If we go to another point, we will see things differently and realize that our first view was not entirely right," (56).
As someone who has p'shawed moral relativism my whole whole life as a form of wishy-washiness and as a back door for allowing immoral behavior, I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night. I have established that I have an attachment to this idea, but I don't know that I have come to the conclusion that it is wrong, per se. Interesting stuff.
Edit: Grammar/formatting.
Sounds like you'd like Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. Available for tasting in Buddhist Geeks podcasts with the author: A Crash Course in Applied Neurodharma.
That made me really happy. I'm glad I could help.
This book really helped me learn how to recognize and dismantle my negative emotions. I finished reading it and gave it to my dad on his 1-year anniversary of sobriety. It might help you as well.
I know that feeling so exactly, it's hard not to get emotional just knowing and reading that other people are there now. I have a bit of constant anxiety at the moment because things have been going so well for me for what I think is quite a long time, and I'm just waiting for that smack in the face. But then I breathe and remember to live day by day, be in the moment, enjoy the moment. It'll happen, I'll get into a slump. But we'll all make it out. I know for some people (me), the longer the slump goes on, the harder it is to deal with every day. I just hope that during those super struggles, you find an outlet of some sort. A friend, a doughnut, gas money to drive to a nice place for a day, just something to remind yourself that this is not the end. This is never the end.
For me, I just looked for (and usually received) little reminders. When it didn't happen on its own, I'd usually bust out some Buddhist related book because it's just SO accurate about how life works. My favorite lately is Buddha's Brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, love & wisdom -- because I'm incredibly logic oriented and need science and "facts" to help me understand the most. Getting a neuroscience view on how happiness works and realizing it's not just this magic thing you can't count on, it helped me really practice making happiness a choice, no matter my circumstance. And then there's the whole wave mechanics that I depend on to get me through, too.
Just remember that you are loved, appreciated, and there god damned will be an upswing.
While I don't have any suggestions for specific rewards (I am in the same bind as you), I have a suggestion for the method of reward. (Disclaimer: This is not originally my idea - see the last paragraph if you want more information.)
Instead of picking a specific reward for a specific action, make it a game. Uncertain rewards are more rewarding, so the idea is to make the reward process a bit of a fun gamble. First, set up a rewards jar containing...
You can do this gradually (e.g., to start, every small-moderate reward you think of, throw in two non-rewards. Once you have a decent number of these slips, throw in your larger rewards, trying to generally keep to the above breakdown).
Next, set up a point system. If you earn 1000 points, you can draw from your rewards jar. You earn points by completing activities that might not be inherently rewarding in the moment (e.g., boring homework, flossing), but that you would like to be able to complete.
On the whole, if you're moderately productive, you'll be able to draw from your rewards jar a few times a week.
This gets around a couple of problems I've personally encountered in rewarding myself: (1) Picking a reward: It has to be something you want now, otherwise it won't be rewarding. (2) Once you identified what you want NOW, it is hard to then do something else just to earn it (particularly if you tend to give in to those desires). Instead, this allows you to earn the chance to play a fun game that isn't rewarding to just play without earning the chance. (At least, I can't imagine just sitting and drawing reward slips without earning points - that would be kinda boring!) You also are being rewarded for gradual work, instead of the same rewards for tasks that change a lot in type and difficulty.
Source: I can't take credit for this idea! I got this from a very informative and useful interview with a graduate student who used this reward system to combat procrastination (found here). She based this on research cited in The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal. (Specifically, studies have found that more addicts will stay clean for the chance to win an uncertain monetary reward than for a steady, predetermined payment, even though they get, on average, less money through the uncertain rewards).
I'll be the second person to recommend the following book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386[1]
It has all you need to know. Read it slowly, surely, and follow the clear, practical advice.
Welcome aboard! We'll keep an eye on that badge Mr Fiddler and keep you accountable! Remember to take it one day at a time - every time you resist is a small victory, as you increase your self control incrementally.
Couple of tips: Take up some other rewarding activities, hobbies, increase your socialising, etc. This will reduce the craving for that one intense reward. Start a daily exercise routine (even if it's just a daily walk at the beach or park), reduce your technology use, and make sure you never give yourself the chance to be bored.
Meditation is an extremely powerful technique for mastering your thoughts and emotions and increasing self-control. Even starting with 5-10 minutes a day will make a difference - but be committed, it has a cumulative effect.
Finally, a great book on self-control based on the latest psych research:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386
All the best!
I just finished reading a book called The Willpower Instinct and one thing that stuck out to me is that we always have two sides to us that are constantly struggling with each other - first is the immediate gratification. The other is the strong-willed one who wants to reach their goals.
Every time you are about to go on reddit or play video games, think to yourself "does this action align with my end goal?" I had a problem with always drinking soda, but my end goal was to consume less sugar. So instead of drinking a Coke and thinking "ahh, it's just a treat - it doesn't count", I'd look at it and think "drinking this doesn't align with my end goal."
Thinking about things and how they relate to my goals helped me stop procrastinating. I really recommend you read that book. I finished it in 2 or 3 days.
Now that you found this piece of self-revelation don't you dare let it go. Imprint it in your memory (Dat Feel)! Find out what you REALLY want and go for it! No. Excuses. Never give up. Remember that failure and rejection are only the first steps to succeeding! And if you do feel like getting some motivation, /u/X_Cody is quite right on limiting your search for motivation. Let it be Inspiration, don't let it become Procrastination.
Keep it up, keep it real and don't you dare give up! Take the small steps so that you can become the great individual you know deep down inside who you can become!
If you feel that you have a hard time to discipline yourself I'd recommend taking a look at the Willpower instinct by Kelly McGonigal
A few months ago my narcissistic mother and I got into it. It didn’t involve religion like with your mom, but basically who she is a person and how she’s affected me growing up. I felt like shit for a while. I felt really guilty. “She is my mother after all.” I held off on acting on my guilty feelings and it’s been radio silence for a few months. I feel better than ever. She was constantly adding to my stress and anxiety and it has lessened over time. I think you should take a break from each other. I highly recommend this book. It was eye opening and life changing for me. When you resume contact set firm boundaries and follow through with consequences for breaking your boundaries. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean she can disregard your boundaries.
So good! Also, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Those two stopped the crazy and showed me sanity!
You're welcome! There is a great book called Boundaries that gives a great blueprint on how to know what you should help with to be a decent human being. There is a concept of a burden vs a load, that I found very helpful. The book has a Christian slant, and although I am not a particularly religious person, I still found the book very helpful and not too "churchy."
There's a Christian based book called Boundaries that might help you with his family, check it out.
Boundaries - This is the book that finally put me at ease after cutting off my nmom. Her lack of respect for (and my complete lack of understanding of) boundaries is what let her keep her hold over me. Once I understood what healthy boundaries were and how much I should expect my own wishes to be respected then I was able to move forward.
It's some serious shit, wish I could help. I can at least recommend this book, Boundaries. Read it man. You have to have boundaries in your relationships that are healthy and entirely reasonable. This sounds to me like a major issue in your family.
When I left at 24, I told my parents that I didn't want to discuss religion. I effectively shut down the conversation. By that point I was a fully self-supported adult and had been for several years, living on my own. No one, including my parents, have the right to come in my house and talk about things I don't want to talk about and I made that clear. There was no discussion about how I felt about the religion because there was no discussion about religion at all. I love my parents like you do, but there are boundaries in this world that everyone, including JWs have to respect. This is a secular idea, not a religious one. This book helped me to figure that out.
After several years of having a relationship outside of the religion, it became less weird and more normal, to the point where my parents felt comfortable asking again how I felt about the religion of my youth and my answer was: "I don't believe in the Bible." This is an easier answer for JWs to accept because apostasy in their mind really does actually mean actively working against the organization and particularly in the context of taking up another religion. When you simply say that the basis for their religion is the reason that you leave, they actually have no good response. The WTBTS doesn't deal with that issue very effectively (because they can't). The WTBTS spends the great majority of its energy explaining why all other religions are shit and their interpretations of the Bible wrong.
It's been 18 years now. They have accepted my decision, they chat about going to assembly and stuff like that but that's just their life, it's no big deal.
One thing I would definitely recommend is NOT going to Memorial or doing any kind of token service. Don't drag out the inevitable. Take a stand, be kind but firm. You are a human being, you are an adult. Even in the context of this fucked up religion, you have the right to stop going if you are discreet about it.
You can’t control her, but you can enforce your boundaries.
Sounds like this could help you a lot. Hugs.
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud:
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
While it has Christian overtones (which irks me as an atheist), the fundamental message is clear about setting up boundaries to limit the hurt and guilt that loved ones sometimes place upon you.
You can love someone who is hurtful without having them hurt you.
If highly recommend you check this out.
There are very deep roots behind your anger, and the judgment in which you hold God and others. It's not simply a question of choosing to get angry. It has roots -- and just like weeds grow back if you chop them down but don't get at the roots, this will keep returning if you don't get to the source. (Sometimes a therapist can help with this.)
So what the roots for you? I don't know you well enough to say, but here are some ideas:
Those are just a few ideas. I hope you can see a bit of a pattern, and unravel the roots. Chopping down the weeds of your behaviors (and outlook on God) will keep returning until the roots are dealt with.
Hebrews 12:15 "See to it that...no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
I HIGHLY recommend you consider the book "Boundaries":
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
You need to learn how to set appropriate boundaries—you're giving, but only under compulsion. I'd say, not necessarily an asshole, but definitely not in healthy relationships. I recommend this book ("Boundaries") and possibly a therapist for you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452714831&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=boundaries
I too was raised Catholic and ended up just confused about what to believe in (my mindset: maybe there is a god, maybe there isn't, but fuck any religion that proclaims it's right and everyone else is wrong).
Luckily the person who introduced me to AA, who struggled with the God thing more than most people in the program and who still never recites the Lord's Prayer, let me borrow these 2 books from him from which he was able to draw up a higher power of his own understanding:
[Be Here Now] (http://www.amazon.com/Be-Here-Now-Ram-Dass/dp/0517543052), by Ram Dass and
[A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose] (http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963) by Eckhart Tolle.
They helped a lot when I was doing steps 2 and 3 and still do. I ended up ordering copies for myself because they were so good. I highly recommend checking em out (if only one, definitely Be Here Now) or searching around for more books to guide you along. It IS frustrating to try and figure it out on your own!
https://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=129AO1ORS4ZJ0&keywords=eckhart+tolle+books&qid=1550328859&s=gateway&sprefix=eck&sr=8-3
Buy this book, rent this book from your library, listen to an audio version of this book, anything. Start healing from the inside and seeing the bigger picture. You will absolutely start seeing ego and anger in a whole new light.
Yea, I just got home. I'm bored, mini rants incoming.
When I first heard of The Four Agreements, I was in detox back in 09 or something. And this tweaker chick kept going manic. She'd be happy/sad/angry/empty... just over and over. She was throwing chairs, and freaking out, but she kept telling me to read that book. So I had to, because she had excellent chair throwing skills. It was a great read, ... very very interesting take on spirituality but it is pretty applicable. It's a feel good philosophy warrior book thing.
The Power of Now. I had what AA would call a "spiritual awakening" and it really wasn't much like a burning bush, but A LOT like this guy talks about in this book. When I was about to kill myself with a teener of dope, I had this very very strange experience where I couldn't identify with myself anymore. .. "Who is this person that wants to die so badly?... Who am I?" It really changed things. The power of now was the most powerful thing I've read.
The New Earth is pretty interesting. I have to disagree with some points, because traditionally, you can't really get rid of the ego. The ego is necessary to survive. But it's interesting. It's worth a read, especially someone stuck in a facility with only their remorse and addiction to keep them company.
I personally LOVE Gabor Mate. This guy deals with the most tragic cases of addiction in Vancouver, and he's a neurologist and he has some pretty good insights on addiction. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's partly where I came up with my flair.
Rational Recovery was another I would suggest. It's a lot like those Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. But the basic idea is disassociation from the "Addictive Voice". That it's not ME that wants to get high, but my addiction. That shit rocked my world when I learned it, and I immediately integrated it into my first step in Narcotics Anonymous.
EDIT, Rational Recovery, and Jack Trimpey are VERY AGAINST 12 step ideology. He HATES IT, and he hates the God idea. I get that, but I cannot and will not deny the therapeautic value of one addict helping another. Nothing compares. Even Bill W. in AA wrote about it in his memoirs and grapevines and the Big Book. "When all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic saved the day."
Tao de Ching really helped me. Although it may be missattributed, the whole "Living in the Past is living in depression, living in the future is living in anger and fear, living in the now is living in peace."
So, as you can see, I really like the "now" concept, but it's helped me stay clean and be happy about it. Non-fiction would probably be great too. But these are very spiritual new agey ideas.
This reminds me, I need to read The Spirituality of Imperfection.
THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS THOUGH:
I highly recommend the NA Basic Text, and I love the Step Working Guide.
Some things I have started to look at are:
Start looking within yourself. Eckhartt Tolle had an awesome special on Oprah discussing these very issues you are bringing up - you can watch the series Eckhart Tolle - a New Earth, based in his book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose .
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
Free pdf version
>and feel as though I'd be betraying my younger self.
One aspect of the problem seems to be that you're clinging to this experience as something that makes you "you". You are trying to permanently attach your personal identity to this experience, and right now it seems to you that denying that this experience was "real" is abandoning an essential part of your identity.
The Buddhist prescription would be to realize that your "self" does not exist, and the statement that "I had this experience" is meaningless because there is no "I" in the first place. Nothing is permanent, and the "I" that you would refer to is a constantly-changing being that never truly exists for longer than a moment at a time. As a result, trying to cling permanently to an experience will cause misery, because all experiences are impermanent.
You should try to understand that acknowledging this experience as an illusion won't make you any less "you", because you already aren't "you". By cutting your attachment from this experience, all you do is free yourself to enjoy the world right now for what it is right now, without worrying how it affects "you".
edit: I would very highly recommend Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth. It's very enlightening and an easy read.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/1878424319/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=Z989SNTCA5H5MR73G828
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0452289963/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1496874603&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=A+new+earth&dpPl=1&dpID=51n4Kwlv5bL&ref=plSrch
So, I looked over your posting history before making this list. It seems like you have a confident head on your shoulders and understand women reasonably well.
Whatever catches your interest. :D
Another book for understanding how your words can mean more than what they sound like in your head is Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman. I read it at about your age and it changed my life.
I'd say that How to Win Friends... is more relevant for getting to know new people and generally how to be pleasant in everyday interactions. Emotional Intelligence gets at a more basic understanding about what it's like to communicate your needs and desires, especially with loved ones. I read the original book (https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X) which was more theory based compared to the newer books released about the same subject that tend to be more oriented towards business.
Also, regarding How to Win Friends... it's not really how to win friends, it's how to develop superficial familiarity with people. Don't use it as a guide to how to develop intimate friendships or people might eventually think you've prematurely turned into a middle aged businessman.
Being conscious of my feelings and aware of where I am emotionally. Having this awareness allows you to essentially act before being dragged into reacting, if that makes sense. I can choose to step away from this situation and calm down now, or I can wait until my anger is to the point that I am merely reacting. Just avoiding being angry isn't the solution. Anger is a valid and important emotion, it's how you handle the anger that's important.
You should check out a book by Daniel Goleman called Emotional Intelligence. Part 2 has an entire chapter (Passion's Slaves) dedicated to anger and rage that is very insightful. You can read a little bit of the chapter in the Amazon preview.
That's interesting, because a few of these ideas come out of Harvard. Daniel Goleman has done a lot of good work on leadership. If you want to improve your people skills, I'd recommend reading a bit of his work:
Books:
Rules for Aging: A Wry and Witty Guide to Life by Roger Rosenblatt
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff
^^`
Articles:
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
15 things Kurt Vonnegut said better than anyone else ever has or will (be sure to read the whole thing)
Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young by Mary Schmich (don't take the title wrong)
[The Road Less Traveled] (http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-Timeless-Edition/dp/0743243153) is great for this. Don't let the 'spiritual growth' part scare you away. - I'm an atheist and I learned a lot from it.
There's been a lot of good responses here, lots of wise words to find in the noise. Your words right above show that you still love that man and you miss the old him so much.
If you truly want to restore (and strenghten!) your relationship, use this time wise - wiser than I did anyway: give him the support he needs, give him the space he requires, find some space for yourself and search for the ways to support him in his recovery. A few books i found 'eyes-opening' were Intimacy Factor and Road Less Traveled. It takes strength of two people to help your partner get back in solid shape, but when you succeed things will be really better than ever.
People up above mentioned he's depressed. That's quite likely. It also seems he's lost a lot of self-worth and self-confidence, he hates himself for what he's become, trying to scavenge anything that could help him feel any better just for a moment, but that's just making things worse. These two books have changed a lot in my approach to relationships and things are better than ever; at times i think it is exactly the thing we need more to be taught in school than particle physics or calculus. We are frequently very well educated in our profession while areas that matter more than all our professional lives are left behind - we're not compassionate and rarely emotionally intelligent.
Good luck. I have no doubt you can go through the tough time. Your words are all the proof I needed to see.
No comments here? Wow. Reading the book right now and googled to see what/if Reddit has to say something on the book. I totally get what you're writing and feel the same about the book. Another one I really enjoyed concerning the whole topic was The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck – so if you're interested, have a look :)
First off, you made a massive step just going for therapy. That takes courage even in itself. Have you tried different techniques, such as hand tapping or auditory tones? It may reduce the anxiety a little. Sometimes you will need to have therapy but not EMDR, like one week on one week off to let reprocessing occur. I upped mine from once a week to twice a week and that was hard so I imagine that going from once a week to once every two weeks may help with reprocessing.
Usually the therapist has a method of calming you down at the end of the session, mine showed me a 'healing light' meditation. Now this sounds like hippy bs but its just another form of relaxation meditation in which you visualise a healing light quenching your negative emotions and feelings.
I would speak to your therapist about using a calming technique towards the end of the sessions or if you become overwhelmed, if they haven't already.
Your sleep will improve and so will eating habits, trauma is difficult and can be complex. I found regular mindfulness meditation really helps with anxiety. There is a book based course which greatly reduced/reduces my anxiety if that helps too :)
i used to meditate for about 10- 15 minutes a day 2 twice a day. I took about 3 or four months. I have no idea what Jhana is could tell me what it is? . I did mindfulness meditation i followed this particular programme
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_1 ie=UTF8&qid=1466273001&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness
Check out The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal -- Amazon Link -- 56 reviews averaging 5/5 stars (EDIT: I rounded, its 4.8/5 stars... still impressive). Pretty good right?
I'm honestly a pretty big skeptic when it comes to self-help books but she attacks the entire process scientifically and allows you to take the changes one step at a time. It's at the very least an interesting read. It should help you put together some steps to attack your lack of willpower though. You can't get anywhere without a plan and sometimes simply figuring out the steps to that plan is more difficult than executing it.
Just getting up and doing it doesn't help me everyday. It helps some days but not all. Check out the book or at least figure out your long term goals and the steps you'll need to take to achieve them and then live your day accordingly.
A philosophy I live by (started recently and if someone has said this before, I apologize for making it seem like my own... but if no one has - then it's mine :) haha) -- Live today as a better person than yesterday and I don't mean the person you were a week ago, or a year ago... I mean literally yesterday. Be better than that guy (or girl). If you fail at it today, it's okay. It'll make tomorrow that much easier but just continue to be better than yesterday.
K my two cents.
The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. It's an amazing book that I heard about on /NoFap a few months ago. Great reviews on Amazon. It definitely gave me hope for a stronger mindset.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1583334386
You raise good points. Check out this book, might be a new and helpful perspective: The Willpower Instinct
> why wait?
Why wait, indeed! Good for you.
I've been reading The Willpower Instinct, and I know it sounds cheesy to turn to self-help books, but it's made quitting this time around a breeze. Granted, it's only been one day since I 'officially' quit, but the book made working my way down from half a pack to half a cigarette a day pretty simple.
A few great tips from the book:
Anyways, here's the book. I'd recommend listening to it on tape, CD, Audible, or whatever while you're in the car, if car smoking is one of your triggers.
>I'm expecting this to be ignored, because people DON'T want to hear this. But I'm hoping, deep down, that this issue will be addressed, because this problem is VERY REAL, and it's happening to me RIGHT NOW.
C'mon dude, I think you gotta accredit more to this sub :P
There is all sorts of inconvenient information upvoted on this subreddit that people don't wanna hear deep down. How about the very fact that we are all PMO addicts? That's a pretty unpleasant truth if you ask me.
But regarding your very problem:
Look, sometimes it's perfectly fine to not feel any motivation to do anything. If you say you are a few days in, what do you think it is you are experiencing right now? It might be very well the flatline. The first indicator that you are distancing yourself from hypercharged material that corrupts your reward system. Sex/Porn spike your dopamine the most from any activity out there. Once you abstain long enough, you will find new hidden pleasure and motivation behind the seemingly mundane and tedious tasks. You will find new passion for life, you can be DEAD SURE about that!! Just keep moving forward.
It is very commendable if you still manage to pick yourself up and push through, but it is important to not beat yourself up too much. When you are trying to build a new life, you should not pick up too many new goals and habits. Because at first you will rely on nothing more other than willpower until you have repeated those actions often enough to build a new habit. It is only then that it does not require any more thought and effort. The thing is that willpower is a limited resource; a well that runs dry at a certain point of continuously forcing yourself to get stuff done.
You feel like crap? Then rest and take a nap or something. Do something relaxing for a limited amount of time. Incorporate a conscious break within your daily routine in which you allow yourself to absolutely nothing for a change. Now that does not include or mean that you should cultivate other easily identifiable dopamine addictions like surfing the net for countless hours, using websites with endless scrolling and novelty mechanisms or video games. Forbid yourself to use the computer in those times if you must and just lay on your bed like a corpse. Use the time to think and to reflect, not to fantasize about a better or easier life.
>.. but I still feel very inefficient - in complete contrast to my usual self.
Instead of beating yourself up and comparing yourself ( even if it is your own self you compare yourself against ), take the positive view point (there is always one, no matter what). Instead of saying your are inefficient in contrast to your former self see it like this: You are back, somewhere at the start of the journey and you are forcing yourself to make the best out of it. Tell yourself: You are currently doing the best you can. You are working to the best of your own capabilities in the PRESENT TIME. Forget about past and future, because all that counts is the present moment and your current self.
You wanna hear an anecdote from my own life? When I first started out this self-improvement journey back in 2015 I was doing nothing more in my life other than: waking up - wasting some time - hitting the gym - wasting some more time and going to bed. Rinse and repeat. I felt so DEAD, as you put it yourself, once I got back home from the gym. It was that period at the start of my new habit that required an immense amount of willpower and pushing myself to get going. I remember this one image very vividly lying on my bed, trying to read a couple of pages in my new e-book, I barely managed to read something between five to ten pages, because I was just not used to reading regularly. Sounds very unspectacular on paper and summed up like that, of course there were more thing going on surrounding that, but the very core was that. I had that one goal I set for myself and I went after it with no excuses, nothing fancy.
Looking back I would not say that any minute of that year was wasted, even though I had so little going on for myself. A precious year of the prime of my youth in my early 20s. Who cares? I don't regret it one bit, because I know that even though I took very small steps, I lay the foundation for something greater. Sacrificing a year for it it close to nothing.
But YOU!!! Who are YOU trying to impress? Who is the judge of you? It is about time to realize that there is NONE! You mustn't, you must NOT compare yourself to anybody or anything other than your present self. Ask yourself genuinely: Can I do better than this? Or am I scratching the borders of everything that possible. Give yourself a break sometime.
I often like to imagine that I am under IMMENSE time pressure. Sometimes, I feel like the world is going to end in a couple of days, and its very existence depends on me getting work done within an abstract, inconceivable and unknown timeframe. I fear not only that but also about my fading youth and death. Maybe some of these thoughts occurred to you as well!
Those fears and thoughts are just as much nonsensical. Dude, you got your whole life ahead of you. If make sure of ONE thing, then make sure that you go one small step in the right direction, no matter what. This entire essay is in no way an easy excuse for someone to postpone his duties until the day after tomorrow. Neither do I try to say that you can go on happily fapping because you still got every opportunity to start over another time. NO!! Every relapse equals to three steps in the opposite, and thus wrong direction of your life goals. Keep that in mind.
Just had to name drop this book. It helped me a lot, and it has a lot of the same advice /u/peevsy just mentioned, plus some useful breathing techniques. Also good explanations on why human tendency is to give in, vs. be resilient, and why some people have more willpower.
Well, there's the whole building willpower, building discipline versus willpower, CBT techniques of surfing the urge. All very useful. But, on the whole, the core tenet of Stoicism, to me, is: if you can't change what's happening to you, you can only try to control how you react.
It's reacting with emotional eating healthy and helpful? No? Then don't. That's where the building willpower and discipline come in, but for me, I had to have an initial motivation. I can't control my customers or my kids or my cats, but I don't need to make unhealthy choices because of that.
You can't make another person give you the interaction you need, but you can try to come to terms with it without damaging yourself. I found a book called The Willpower Instinct very relevatory in regards to understanding my emotional reactions.
Oh my God War this is my whole life. I have no idea. Habits are super hard. I mean, for God's sake I'm in my thirties and I don't brush my teeth regularly; I'm a mess.
I said Morning Prayer today for probably the third time this month.
One book that many said helped (I should re-read it...) was McGonigal's Willpower Instinct.
I don't have a device to measure HRV, but studies point out that if you slow down the number of breaths per minute, you increase HRV. Higher HRV is also linked to more willpower, according to Kelly McGonigal in her book:
https://www.amazon.com.br/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080
This post summarizes her point:
> Pause-and-plan gives you a few precious moments to bring your higher brain back on line and increase your heart rate variability. Not just lowering your heart rate/blood pressure and returning to a calmer baseline, but increasing your heart rate variability -the capacity of the heart to respond to changes in input from the body in a flexible way. Higher HRV allows people to better ignore distractions, delay gratification, persevere with difficult tasks, tolerate critical feedback and resist temptation. Psychologists consider heart rate variability a key predictor of willpower.
> One technique to apply the pause-and-plan response and improve your heart rate variability is to slow down you breathing to four to six breaths per minute. Ten to fifteen seconds per breath rather than the normal ten breaths per minute (or much faster when we’re stressed). One or two minutes of breathing at this slower pace can shift the body and brain from a state of stress to a mode of self-control with more capacity to handle cravings and challenges to our willpower. (One study found that a daily 20 minute practice of slowed breathing increased heart rate variability and thus willpower reserves among adults recovering from substance abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder.) There are even apps such as Breath Pace to help you slow down your breathing.
> https://lindagraham-mft.net/strengthening-willpower-a-key-step-in-strengthening-resilience/
There's also this video:
Improve Willpower in 5 Mins | How Heart Rate Variability helps Brain Functio
So, it seems to me that, perhaps, slowing down the frequency of your breaths might be a good pre-meditation practice.
I would suggest to start here. This book along with meditation helped me get my act together. I went from a C student to an A student. Chunky to fit.
If broscience tips don't tend to work for you, check out Kelly McGonigal, PHD. This lady's job is researching willpower, she teaches a class about willpower at Stanford and is incredibly knowledgeable.
Her TedTalk Link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_fQvcBCNbA
I am currently reading her book The Willpower Instinct. Only halfway through and it has made me stick to positive behaviors and avoid negative ones better than I could have imagined. Check it out on amazon http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583335080 I've read other books about forming habits and using carrots and sticks and for me this has been 10X more effective.
If I may, maybe go by a bookstore and browse through this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583335080
Strike that. Don't browse, go right to Chapter Five, "The Brain's Big Lie: Why We Mistake Wanting For Happiness" and read about the rats.
I'm on my second read of the book, taking notes and doing the exercises, and I gotta tell you the truth, by chapter five I am feeling liberated from this addiction.
Just a suggestion. Until after you at least take a look at the book, don't get rid of the collection, but also don't add to it. And here's something to trigger your reward system to motivate you to read that chapter: The author looks pretty good in yoga pants herself.
Be well my friend.
OP, did you mean The Willpower Instinct?
I've just started reading "The Happiness Trap", and it addresses just what you're talking about. Amazon link. They suggest (based on research) that it is how you (we) look at life and react to it.
I have found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy incredibly helpful (for many things, but especially this). Most health insurance covers counseling, which is appropriate for anyone who feels their life isn't working for them and wants to make changes. If you'd prefer the self-help route, here are some books: basic intro, anxiety-specific, and self-confidence specific.
Well, I'm currently struggling with GAD right now but a few years ago I was able to manage my anxiety and end my depressive episode with therapy, daily exercise, 9 hours of sleep a night, healthy diet and meditation. I noticed that major life changes are usual triggers for worsening my GAD (change=fear=anxiety). Also, if I don't get enough sleep my anxiety gets worse (and depression slowly creeps in) and I actually become physically ill. Two weeks ago I was in the hospital for dehydration because of gastrointestinal issues. I'm pretty sure that it was cause from getting only 3-6 hours of sleep a night for months/anxiety.
Therapy and meditation helped me a lot with dealing with past mistakes. It was great to have someone listening to me talk about my issues (prior to that I didn't have anyone who understood), it helped me to develop more insight about myself, it helped me notice negative thought patterns I had and how I made myself into "victim".
I realized that I am human and therefore I will make mistakes and it's okay. Whatever happened has already happened and there's nothing I can do to change it so it doesn't make any sense to ruminate on it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was great to help me notice and change my negative thoughts.
Here a link about what is CBT: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx
And here is a link for CBT worksheets. If you don't have access to a therapist or a therapist trained in CBT you can still get the benefits of CBT by doing CBT worksheet to help you realized how distorted your thoughts are: http://psychology.tools/anxiety.html
My old therapist also had me read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy"
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C?ie=UTF8&keywords=david%20burns&qid=1465227795&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1
After I did CBT, my other therapist introduced me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helped me realize that thoughts are just thoughts. You are not your thoughts. Thoughts don't necessarily reflect reality. Even the good ones can be harmful if we are too attached to them. The best thing to is to not fuse with thoughts and feelings. Notice your thoughts but don't get attached to them (don't suppress them either). Notice your anxiety and notice where it manifest in your body (fast heart rate, headache, nausea, etc.). Give the physical sensations/emotions space but don't allow it to consume you. Always go back to awareness (this is where meditation is very useful). Procrastination/avoiding things that make you anxious will only cause more suffering and pain in the long run. You'll stay stuck.
The ACT method will not always make you feel better. That's not the point. It's about getting through the pain in order to have a more meaningful instead instead of hiding in bed. In addition, ACT puts a lot of emphasis on living life through your "values". If you live life through your values and commit to action, it doesn't matter what the outcome is because at least you are trying. You wont' feel like too much of a failure because you're working on life skills. You'll win no matter what.
Here is a pdf about more information about ACT: http://www.people.ku.edu/~tkrieshok/epsy888/act_cliff_notes.pdf
Russ Harris's book "The Happiness Trap" goes into more detail: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
The ironic thing about my GAD is that I have a lot of knowledge and I know what I need to do to get better, but I keep falling into my mind's traps. I don't talk to myself abusively like I used to (i.e. telling myself "I'm an idiot", "I'm ugly", etc.) and I'm not worried so much about things I have no control over (i.e. losing sleep over worrying about all the starving children in world, worrying about the state of the economy, etc.) But I still get caught with old thoughts, stories and feelings . They don't manifest like they used to. It's more hidden, more implicit. For example, I wake up in morning and I don't want to work. In the past, the thoughts that would filled my mind would be "I'm horrible at my job", "I'm going to get fired anyway" "Everyone is better than me" "I'm worthless". My heart would race and I would have a panic attack. Now, instead of thoughts I just have a feeling of mild dread/uncomfortable feelings, my stomach will start to hurt. I get a headache and my heart starts to race. Then I'll rationalize that I need to stay home because I don't feel well. Then I tell myself that tomorrow I will do everything I need to do. But I never do....thus begins the vicious cycle that is anxiety.
Anxiety is brilliant at disguising itself once you get past a certain point psychologically. It's incredibly deceptive and amazing at the same time. If we can just see anxiety for what is: a maladaptation of the fight-or-flight mode in situations that are not necessarily dangerous, we'll be okay.
Sorry for the long post.
As a diagnosed OCD sufferer who has learned over five years to "tune it out," let me provide you with some resources to help while you're locating a therapist. I'd recommend mine, but he's in Orem.
This book brought me a great deal of relief, and I review it off and on when I need a refresher in managing my OCD. It covers most of the major themes people experience: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Workbook-OCD-Overcoming-Compulsions/dp/1608828786/ref=sr_1_3?crid=2FJ9LNLQMV2IT&keywords=ocd+mindfulness+workbook&qid=1564633924&s=gateway&sprefix=OCD+mindfulne%2Caps%2C190&sr=8-3
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For general depression, I recommend this. I'm not being hyperbolic when I say that it saved my life: https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?keywords=the+happiness+trap&qid=1564633982&s=gateway&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyWEVXMFNMWVFMWVZFJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNzg4OTU0MTdNRFBBNTBaUzNNOCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNzE2MDU5M0c1ODdLTkxONUZaMyZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=
​
I have a few copies of each of these books, and if money is tight, I would be more than happy to give them to you, just shoot me a PM.
​
Hang in there! Easier said than done, I know, but in time, you'll learn to observe your thoughts and ride that wave!
The happiness trap by Dr Russ Harris, for letting go of trying to feel positive all the time - https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
The 5oth Law by Robert Greene, for acquiring a bit decisiveness, ruthlessness and a thicker skin - https://www.amazon.com/50th-Law-Robert-Greene-Collection-ebook/dp/B002RI9ZQI/
And even some shameless self-promo - Nothing to Lose by me https://www.amazon.com/Nothing-Lose-Hesitation-Procrastination-Confidence-ebook/dp/B01MRMJJPU/
Ah ok, well that makes sense I suppose. A comfort list.
Anyways, you seem to be a professional positive thinker dude.
Have you seen/read http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Living/dp/1590305841
I think its a very useful tool to use and it expands on the comments you make. The basic premise being to abandon all expectations for controlling happiness. Reccomend to check it out if you have not already.
As someone who has suffered considerably from BED and who also is a big fan of Soylent, I'll try to answer your questions using my own experience.
First, let me tell you (and you probably know this) that restriction of any kind will make you want to binge eat. This is the biggest reason why dieting is counterproductive to eating disorder recovery. You've noticed this already yourself. I think consuming a mostly soylent diet will make you crave solid foods all the more.
I disagree with what other people are saying here when it comes to "getting hooked" on sweets and junk food once you get a taste. This phenomenon will only occur if these foods are 'bad' to you, and you're making a conscious effort to restrict them from your diet. Personally, I've made the most progress in my recovery once I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. Even after being on a variety of restriction diets (no sugar, low carb, vegan, carnivore) to eliminate trigger foods, the best thing I ever did was allow myself to eat whatever I wanted. For me, Soylent is more something that I have when I'm in a rush or for some reason can't eat a normal meal; I don't think of it as any 'better' or 'worse' than a normal meal.
If you're a fan of reading, the following books helped me arrive at these conclusions, and they've been some of the single-most helpful resources I've come across:
Also, if money is an issue for you, PM me and I'll send you electronic copies. Of course, none of this is replacement for seeing a therapist, as everyone else here will tell you, but these books will at least hopefully get you on the right track.
To be honest: I'm not a great fan of weed. It amplifies psychological problems like anxiety or depression. I had my fair share of them and one important step to recovery was to quit (If you are interested r/leaves).
If it hinders the process? I don't know to be honest and frankly there could be no answer on this question, because it could depend on the person.
What you could do about your thoughts is pausing Transformation Mastery for a while and reading this book: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy .
This book will help you get rid of these thoughts and will give you a jump start.
Another one, which is not nearly as important as this amazing book is: You Are Not Your Brain.
And if you're really really ambitious this one The Happiness Trap too.
If you can't afford these books pm me.
The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Living/dp/1590305841)
My coworker's wife is a psychologist and she's been recommending Exercise for mood and anxiety : proven strategies for overcoming depression and enhancing well-being by Michael Otto and Jasper A. J. Smits, Mind over mood : change how you feel by changing the way you think by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, and The happiness trap : how to stop struggling and start living by Russ Harris and Steven Hayes
Personally, my go-to comfort books are Harry Potter and any of the Tortall series' by Tamora Pierce (though if you haven't read them before, I recommend starting with Alanna)
I'm a serious introvert myself, so this is a topic of some considerable interest to me. :)
Introversion is not necessarily associated with anxiety, in that the traits are not that highly correlated and lots of introverts are not anxious. However, many people who are both introverted and anxious find that the two are intertwined. When that is the case, then getting better at coping with the anxiety can help you be more flexible in being introverted. There are a million self-help anxiety books, and most of them are pretty good because they are based on cognitive-behavioral principles. Personally, however, I am more intrigued by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ideas, as described in books like Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, The Happiness Trap, and The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety.
While we're on the topic of reading, if you haven't found it already, I'd suggest The Introvert Advantage -- a great book focusing on accepting, accommodating, and even feeling pretty good about your introversion.
Introversion appears to be very genetically-based and resistant to change, so accepting being an introvert will be an important first step. Introversion is not, in and of itself, healthy or unhealthy, although when you are surrounded by extroverts and a culture that values extroversion, it sure can feel like being introverted is unhealthy. IMHO, traits are only a problem when people are inflexible about applying them... that is, when they can only behave one way regardless of the situation. When people are interested in changing who they are, I often suggest, instead, trying to change how flexible they are about how they display the trait they are interested in changing.
To do that, you could think about the situations in which you are less introverted, and trying to figure out what it is about those situations that allow you to be less introverted. For me, I do better in situations that are structured, familiar, and relevant to my interests -- in those types of situations, you literally cannot shut me up. So, I can be more extroverted when I'm with a small group of good friends, or when I'm meeting a new therapy client for the first time (which is structured because I know exactly what I'm going to say), or when I'm commenting on reddit, or even when I'm teaching a large class or giving a talk to a huge audience. In contrast, in a small group of people I do not know well, when meeting a new person socially for the first time, or when doing something spontaneous that would cause a lot of people to pay attention to me (e.g., something terrible like karaoke), I am not able to be extroverted. But, if I wanted to be more extroverted, I could work to make those types of situations more structured, more familiar, or more relevant to my interests. Does that make sense?
Oh, and one more thing -- please join the Neuropsychology Book Club I am trying to start... I'm hoping it will be really interesting, especially for us voracious readers!!
Good luck and stick with it. Keeping them learning is the best way to settle them down, in my experience. I've rarely been able to get the actual energy burned out of either of mine, but mentally stimulating BC's through training them, teaching them new tricks, and just generally making them think works wonders. It may even help with the jumping, but that would just be a lucky side effect, not necessarily expected.
Another tip I'd offer is pick up a trick book. 101 Dog Tricks is what we used with our first. Just picked out something that looked fun and made it a week long project. You will calm him down, and have the added benefit of a dog that can do awesome tricks! lol
https://www.amazon.com/101-Dog-Tricks-Activities-Challenge/dp/1592533256/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=dog+trick+book&link_code=qs&qid=1565377363&s=gateway&sourceid=Mozilla-search&sr=8-1
Ahhhhh I'm leaving on my weekend trip today and while I'm excited about my trip I'm so nervous to leave Baron for this long. I remember feeling even more nervous the first time I left for a week and had to leave my cat Castiel with my friends.
Not only am I just really attached to my animals, I've had some really horrible, awful, traumatizing experiences where some very bad things happened to previous pets (and Castiel) in my absence while I was engaged to my ex. I know those things won't happen again because that fucker is a couple states away now, and both Castiel and Baron are going to be watched by my animal loving parents who love both of them like grandchildren, but the trauma and anxiety is probably going to be in the back of my mind this weekend. My parents promised to let me facetime both of them as much as I wanted and will be sending me regular updates on them every day. I know they'll be ok. It's just stressful and the trauma is something to work through with my therapist.
I'll try to focus on being in the present moment on my trip, because I get to see my brother, sister in law, and niece for the first time in a long time. Plus they live right by the university I really, really want to end up at for grad school, and a very prominent professor there wants to meet with me this weekend. Also, this city has a very famous Belgian Waffle restaurant I haven't been to in years, plus a huge farmer's market.
On a less heavy, stressful note, Baron is becoming so much better at fetch! He loves it when I roll the ball really fast across the ground rather than throwing it throw the air. He's even bringing the ball somewhat back to me now. We just need to work on him not playing keep away with it when he gets close.
Also ordered 101 Dog Tricks yesterday and I'm so excited to have a dog trick book to guide me through Baron's trick titles.
ETA: Baron has also now discovered that it is possible to jump onto the top of my parent's spa. It's my fault. I wanted to see just how good his "up-up" was (his cue to jump on top of an object) by seeing if he'd jump onto an object that he can't see the top of. Well, turns out this dog trusts me enough to do that. He now jumps onto the spa whenever I pull out the treats and insists on doing all his tricks on top of the spa. I've created a monster. I don'r want him to hurt his joints jumping down from that so I'm going to have to carry him down.
Sure. I like 101 Dog Tricks, it's got pretty clear step-by-step instructions. Really anything that makes him think "How do I get the cookie?" and use trial and error will work.
Look (make eye contact) is an easy one to start with. Touch (nose to palm of hand to start) is good too. Once you get the hang of it, you can go crazy. Spin, turn right, turn left, play dead, find it, bring me a (toy name), give me the paw, high five, hug, moonwalk (go backwards), sit up and beg, go find (person).
We play a lot of ball in the yard, and they REALLY want the ball, so you can ask them for all sorts of goofy behaviors before you throw the ball. It's good practice and engages the brain.
For the tugging - mine does this, but only when she's super excited at dog events (long story). We have a special tug we only bring to that activity, and she holds on to it instead. The tug has balls on it, and she squishes the balls in her mouth to release her mental "OMG OMG OMG we're about to do something FUN!" Does he have a tug toy?
Well, step 1 is don't spoil your dog. ;)
My dog is certainly pampered and treated incredibly well, but she isn't spoiled. She doesn't get away with other bullshit that most people let their dogs get away with. Furthermore, if I catch anyone feeding my dog stuff off their plate at the table, I'm not above punching them in the dick. Because of this, she doesn't beg for food, doesn't expect she's allowed on furniture (and when she "asks" and you say "no" she doesn't beg further), and she doesn't take things that haven't been given to her.
It all boils down to:
If you expect your dog not to be on the couch, have body blocked the dog every time it tries to get up on it, told it no once when it "begged" then ignored further begging, DON'T leave it home alone with access to that couch or you'll teach it that it can't be on the couch when you're around.
For training method, we use the marker method, which I learned how to do from reading online, mostly the Leerburg Website.
For ideas for tricks and how to teach them, including excellent troubleshooting, we used 101 Dog Tricks, by Kyra Sundance
That being said, my monster isn't perfect, we work on things every day, like leash pulling, jumping up and biting when she gets excited (she just turned 2), and separation anxiety (hers isn't too bad, but it's a common breed trait).
Just wanted to mention that at this point, you should still be actively socializing her. Hell, until a dog reaches 2 years of age you should probably be actively socializing them!
If you're running out of trick ideas (which you probably will as GSD's pick up things quick) you can do a few things. First, start proofing your current tricks. Sure, she can do them in the living room, but can she do them outside? Additionally, I've heard people that really like this book (101 Dog Tricks) although I personally haven't looked at the book. This can give you a few more ideas. Also, look into shaping tricks. This is often more mentally taxing for dogs than training treats with luring. Frankly, you probably should never be feeding her from a bowl. Every single piece of kibble should be earned, or put into a kong wet and then frozen.
Like /u/Tubbertons7 said, people often don't realize how much a pain in the ass smart dogs are and how difficult they are to keep occupied.
Additionally, make sure you look into teaching your pup how to relax. A lot of high energy, high drive dogs just don't know how to relax. They're either GO GO GO or asleep. How to "chill" needs to be taught to some dogs. One of the easiest ways is, if your pup does relax occasionally is to capture it like shown in this video. /u/Nope-Again also mentions mat training which is what I'm actually trying with my dog as she never even offers calmness. (I'm using the method outlined in Fired Up, Frantic, and Freaked Out but I've not been doing it for very long yet, so I can't tell you how it's really working)
There are SO MANY things you can work on training, even with a small space. I've used this book but you could look around for one that seems interesting to you. It's really amazing how even 30 minutes of mental stimulation can tire a pup out.
You write a lot of daydreaming, fantasizing and what other people have vs what you don't have. Been there, still there, moving out of there. Live in your world, accept what you do have and stop trying to live up to someone else's expectation - even if you think it's yours, it's informed by someone else's. Once you shed the focus on others, you may find what you are good at and start building something for yourself.
I rarely like it when someone says check out this book, but check out this book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
https://www.amazon.in/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It sounds like you could really use what's in this book: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S
It's called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck". I think most type-A overachievers should read it. Give it a try -- you're not going to "win" at changing yourself without putting a little work into it, and a book, with lots of different ideas that will catch your mind and speak to you, is the best way to get started.
But right now, right this minute, I'd ask yourself what's underneath your desire to play. You're describing it as caring to win, but I bet a big part of it is terror at losing -- at losing something you value, feeling like a loser, feeling like you're losing control and power. That's okay -- we all want control and power. But that's not where you're going to get peace and happiness from. You will never, ever, ever have enough "winning" or success or money to calm that beast down -- if you keep feeding it, and not facing your fears of losing, it'll stay strong and you'll be stuck in it longer. You want to get into balance, and get some real happiness and peace -- that comes from presence in the moment, serving others, having strong friendships and relationships, getting out into the natural world, and having a few big goals in life that you're working towards. Gaming, and winning at games, can definitely be one of your big goals -- but it can't be everything. It can't subsume you, and it can't eat up the rest of life.
You're probably also afraid of sitting still -- when you sit still you have to deal with the concerns and anxieties that are percolating around in your head. Gaming, or anything else like it that eats up your mental energy, soothes you because it keeps you from dealing with all the things we need to deal with in life. But if you never sit still and deal with them, they stick around and sometimes get stronger, making you throw yourself even more into whatever you're using as a distraction (here, gaming). It's like a Chinese finger-trap -- the answer is counterintuitive. Try listening to a Tara Brach podcast, she's a clinical psychologist and meditator. Her podcasts are free, start with anything with "RAIN" in the title.
Basically, I think you just need to slow down and enjoy your life and accept that it's okay to "lose" sometimes. Trying to win all the time is a perfectionist trap and a distraction. Deal with what's going on underneath and it'll get easier, and then maybe get another hobby so your interests are stretched into a couple different places. A sport or something that takes you outside would be a great counterbalance (skating? running? Biking?).
Cheers, bud. You're going to be just fine! Good luck!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
You can find some good tips on the subtle art od not giving a fuck
Meditating and giving less fucks.
You can search up introductory meditation videos but here is one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPpUNAFHgxM
As for giving less fucks this book is pretty good: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Cutting deep to the heart of the issue. Barring all the spiritual connotations, the core of meditation is getting your brain to calm down/shut up for a bit. If you can't stop thinking for even a second, meditation can help you chill out.
Giving less fucks is pretty much that. Worrying less, accepting that your mood can change, not wanting what you can't have, not worrying about what you can't control, it all ties into that.
Hope that helps :)
Also if you DM me I can probably hook you up with a pdf of the book I mentioned if you have a (throwaway) email
My immediate thought is that if you are self aware enough to recognize these tendencies then you should be mindful enough to stop that behavior. Also, that if you are involved with someone exhibiting that behavior and you speak with them about it, then find that they are not willing to think critically about themselves and how they act then no, you cannot change that person or fix the relationship. You only control yourself and your impact on the relationship.
A quick search brought me a few articles on how to heal codependant relationships. I think couples counseling would be the best approach. Learning to curb codependancy in yourself by building self confidence and strong personal boundaries when you are single so that you are able to recognize it in others when you are dating would be the best route.
I haven't read it yet, but I've seen this book Mindset: The New Psychology of Sucess recommended often to build self confidence and this book The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*uck has given me a good taste of what perspective to adopt when you're someone that allows other's wants and needs to come before your own.
I was not depressed but I have severe social anxiety, the only thing that helped me is not giving a fuck. https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S
Here's a couple books you might find helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1592533256/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1377746354&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0764552872/ref=mp_s_a_1_18?qid=1377746490&sr=1-18&pi=SL75
Because you get to experience different lifetimes like a video game :D
Deep down you can return anytime you'd like.
But deep down you also don't want to, your soul WANTS to be here. Everything is free-will, you chose this on some level prior to being here. You can call it being a "light worker" you can call it your soul playing different avatars as different "Vdieo games", you can call it a universal school of 3-dimensional-to-5th-dimensional-consciousness shifting process. YOU CAN CALL IT A CELEBRATION. It's all up to you. Don't be a victim. Yes some shit sucks. When you see the gift that life is, all the "shit" is just kinda like... not a big deal.
Read this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It's a great perspective on 3-dimensional consciousness (spirituality is not the focus but how i describe it)
Also, smoke some DMT.
You'll find it's not better nor worse to be on or off the wheel of incarnation. You will experience all of life eventually as the Creator you are. You've just decided to act as a wonky human for now, just as the rest of your extended "family" (humanity) :-)
We are One
That's interesting. I'll definitely take a look at it.
[What about this book?] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B019MMUA8S/ref=pd_aw_sim_351_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=8PZ5DWHSSSF9HT7CJP6Z)
Not a joke, but you should read this
Subtle Art of Not Giving A F@#£
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S
It's a fresh take on how you should approach things in life. Not the usual self-help book.
The book I just finished was a surprisingly genuine great read. I thought the title was going to be preface a fairly gimmicky content, but no such thing.
There's actually a book on it!
In general, you have to learn to accept yourself for whoever you want to be, regardless of what society thinks. No matter who you are and where you come from, you have every right to live the way you want. Fuck the people who don't support you, and find ones that do. I guess unless you're planning a murder, that's not cool.
Being honest, realizing that you are not responsible for how anyone feels, and not settings expectations help a ton. Put more good into the world my friend, fuck the people that are buttheads!
I'm saying don't move out first, actually. Transition anyway... just be prepared to move out.
Also, I recommend the these books, they'll help you:
https://www.amazon.com/Queer-Transgender-Resilience-Workbook-Orientation-ebook/dp/B06XGCK1SQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?keywords=transgender+resilience+workbook&qid=1565724794&s=gateway&sprefix=transgender+res&sr=8-5
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson&qid=1565724839&s=gateway&sprefix=the+subt&sr=8-2
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=asc_df_1626251703/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312130960442&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13704884949090517083&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1026201&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-347358731227&psc=1
They'll help you do what you need for yourself without apologizing or letting others control you.
Ah lui je l'ai lu et il est pas mal.
Maybe this book:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
Yup, completely in control or no control at all, no intermediate settings.
Reading the book, "The Subtle Art of not Giving a F" to help me with the not in control state.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I used to be very big on "positive thinking" stuff, even to the very extremes like "Law of Attraction" and similar utter pseudoscience. Wishful thinking self-help books, etc, you get the idea.
I've read two books this year that have completely turned around my whole philosophy in life:
Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*uck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life"
Oliver Burkeman's "The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking"
I've read countless self-help books and 98% of them are more or less the same... But not these two. They compliment each other perfectly eve though written by different authors who don't know each other.
It's hard to explain, really. Basically, it's not that positive thinking itself is bad. It's the way most of us tend to see life itself and the meaning and goals of life. Most of us are taught to avoid pain and hardship and seek "happiness", which is usually defined as the same as pleasure. We're told that "bad emotions" are bad and we should avoid them as much as possible, while the ideal goal of life is to feel "happy" as much as possible. This approach is flawed and unrealistic in many ways. For one, this is actually putting a significant pressure on people to feel happy, especially those involved in this "positivity" movement. Oliver Burkeman included a great quote from someone, which I think sums this up perfectly:
> "The moment you ask yourself whether you're happy, you cease to be [happy]". The harder we try to chase happiness, the more unreachable it seems. The attitude of "not trying to be happy", aka the counterintuitive approach, is something both books explore, just in different ways. Manson's book goes a bit further to propose what I thought was an absolutely awesome theory on pain in life. Here's the quote that sums it up:
> “Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame. Pain is an inextricable thread in the fabric of life, and to tear it out is not only impossible, but destructive: attempting to tear it out unravels everything else with it. To try to avoid pain is to give too many fucks about pain. In contrast, if you’re able to not give a fuck about the pain, you become unstoppable."
You can't avoid pain in life, it's part of life. Constantly trying to run away from it or avoid it is itself a negative experience. But you can try and choose what kind of pain you want to experience in life, and that's a good way to determine what you want to do with your life. Most people advise to choose a job based on what you want to be doing, aka imagine the positives of that job. Manson advises to imagine the negative parts of that job and choose the job the negatives of which, aka the pains, you would mind the least, or could even enjoy, that's a much better predictor of how much you're going to like that job in the end. It's the same with problems in life in general - everybody thinks they want a problem-free life, but the truth is that if we stop having problems, then we just start inventing them, because we're naturally set on having some problems and challenges to solve, it's hardwired into us because in the past we certainly had lots of problems to solve, constantly. The idea is to choose what problems in life you want to solve.
Both books talk about failure a lot, how it sucks that failure has deemed to be unacceptable in society, and how useful it actually is - not just as a tool to learn from our mistakes, but there's a certain sort of beauty and power in failure, in the way that it shows us "naked", strips everything down to the bare bottom.
They also talk about death, and how constantly having death in the back of our minds is actually not depressing or unhealthy but a better way to live. Another great quote from Manson's book:
> death is the light by which the shadow of all of life’s meaning is measured.
Burkeman's book also has a chapter, it tells about his journey to a crime-ridden town in Mexico that has this interesting religion of Santa Muerte (kind of a version of Virgin Mary worship where she's portrayed as a "dead lady" and you give her offerings to protect you from death in dangerous situations, she's very popular with drug dealers and crime gangs but also regular people in poor towns and villages). That guy is pretty badass, he went to various places like a very poor slum in Nairobi and a town in Mexico that was considered so dangerous he couldn't even find a guide to show him the way, and tried a several day's long meditation retreat while having zero experience with meditation before. He's also met with one New Age guru and a couple who practiced Stoicism. Generally he went into it with a pretty skeptical attitude and while he didn't become zealous about Buddhism, Stoicism or any of those, according to him he still took a lot from it and that's how he's built this philosophy. A few other chapters also offer some interesting "counterintuitive" views and ideas, like how goal setting (or more like, being very goal-oriented) is harmful, or how too much positive thinking in the US made the society less safe, etc. Also has a great explanation of the concept of hedonic treadmill.
Manson's book also has some other great and interesting ideas, like how we shouldn't be so focused on being unique and exceptional because few of us really are, how to take responsibility for everything in your life (and explaining how it's different from believing that everything is your fault and constantly beating yourself up, which is not good) and avoiding victimhood mentality, how we shouldn't be so focused about always being right and just accept that we're wrong about a lot of things a lot of the time and this has benefits.
I don't think I explained it very well. It's kind of a mix of Buddhism, Stoicism, Memento Mori, "positive negativity/negative positivity?" (Burkeman's book had a term for it but I forgot) and, I'm not sure, some good ol' humility and accountability, etc. I really can't recommend those books enough. They literally made me see the world in a completely different perspective.
That's what I did. It's a healthy attitude. Also, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
It's on my to read list.
You should check out this book
You should check out https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S
It helped me sooo much. I have a lot of internal struggles but this book really helped to focus what I need to really worry about. My advice is to eat better, drink more H20, and give less fucks.
Start out by not calling yourself a loser. Most of us have a bad habit of that from time to time but take some effort to just stop the pattern. Your reality is what you make it.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson. Didn't help me starting out, but helped recently. Have to keep work in prospective with everything else.
You are not doing anything wrong. I am about a year into recovery and went through many different avenues. I tried AA, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery and an outpatient program with my health insurance. So, I have gotten a taste of most of them.
Just like in all walks of life, there will be some people that try to bring you down. This is no different at the meetings you will go to. Some people will belittle you for whatever reason. There is 100% nothing wrong with being new. Try to ignore the odd lingo that some of people use, such as, "rehab virgin, normies, etc."
I suggest you also broaden your search and see if you can find any of these resources in your area:
I found more success moving between all these resources based on what I was struggling with at the time. I also suggest you pick up a couple books. I found a lot of solace looking towards philosophy. Some books that helped me were:
With recovery, just stay away from any of the social drama. Listen to the knowledgable people. And, always remember that we are all in a vulnerable place.
Hope this helps!
This is my main hobby.
I’m getting ready to read this. Maybe you should try it, too.
> Unlike the vast majority of gay men, I have mental health issues and baggage.
99.9% of gay people have mental health issues, and everyone most certainly has their own baggage. If someone says they don't have baggage, they're just in denial and probably a giant fuckface, like your ex. If you're down, I suggest reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Marc Maron, it's a fairly profane approach to a zen-like mentality.
​
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550791671&sr=8-1&keywords=the+art+of+not+giving+a+fck
Totally agree. The book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck’ is all about this.
The book list just keeps growing in so many different directions that it's hard to identify which I want to tackle next (I also have a tendency to take meticulous notes while I read and that slows the process down even further!). Some of the topics I intend to read about once I'm done with the books mentioned:
Plus a bunch of books by Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, Carl Sagan, and others. There are way too many. And all the fiction books I want to read too! It's not that I didn't read books before, but my faith transition has sparked an intense desire to study and learn far greater than I ever experienced before.
Yes 100%. I totally messed up the title and missed spelt the authors name. But here's the link.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_dSI8ybGEPCT0K
I can't even get to half that stuff I'm so occupied. You should not be 'bored' because if you're bored, you're doing lit wrong.
or for us non Canadians.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
This post reminded me of this book, it's actually pretty worth reading. I don't usually read books like it, but it was the only book in English at the bookstore in Italy I went to
Eliminating stress and resultant anxiety and resultant mood problems as much as possible from life. In my case that meant learning not to give a fuck and more importantly just bing myself. Perhaps counterintuitively my grades actually improved as a result so caring less == performing better
Everything that you've said is fixable though.
By one thing.
Confidence.
Doesn't matter if you don't feel that way, if you're able to project confidence (not arrogance, there's a difference) it can help a lot.
It's bloody hard to meet new people (and I have this problem, too) but honestly, as we get older, we think "we can't do this shit anymore" - that ain't true.
Can I suggest you read this book? It might give you a nudge towards at least being a little bit more sure of yourself. Long story short, you're giving too much of a shit about what other people think, and not enough of a shit about what you think. This might not happen overnight, but all you need is one little step at a time then maybe you can believe in yourself a little bit more.
Excuse me for being the voice of reason.
Perhaps more people should jump on the logic train
The act of not caring isn't the easiest thing to do for most people. Caring about what other people think of you is one of the things we kinda need in our minds to be able to live in harmony with other people. So to reject the surface of not caring can sometimes be hard. One thing you'll notice is that it's a trait a lot of old people have haha, people who have "been there, done that" and learned lessons from each of their experiences. That's not a common trait to find among younger people. I'm just babbling, you want answers right?
I'm reading a book called The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck. I'm nowhere near done with it, but even the small amount that I have read so far has REALLY helped me get rid of so much anxiety. This book even helped me improve my grades as well, and it's making me realize so much more about myself. I suggest you read it. Rent it from your local library if you don't wanna buy it.
I know you were looking for answers that coincide with nihilism. Sure I can say "nothing matters you're all gonna die so why care?" right? But you already know that so that answer would just be redundant and a waste of time.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck? I might have unintentionally paraphrased something from there.
You look like the kind of guy I would be happy to have date my teen daughter. You appear kind and respectful. 16 sucks for just about everyone, it will get better and you will live your dreams. Just don’t give up and you’ll see- this life has a lot to offer you.
With maturity comes an ever increasing ability to not give a fuck what other people think of you. In fact, do you like to read? Check out this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Good luck son, you’re gonna do great. ❤️
Edit: You are certainly not a Luzer and might I suggest you make a new username so as not to reinforce that idea in your mind. You want to try to focus on positive things about yourself, not drill home the negative things your brain invents.
Have you heard of this book: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713 ? I really recommend it!!!
You are a great person, you have ambitions and goals! Majority of people don't have that, believe me!
To me it seems like you are trying to meet someone else's expectations (you parents? your friends?). You don't have to be the best to be happy! That opinion, that happiness comes with uniqueness has been around for way too long. That's not true :)
You don't do stuff with a goal to become really good. You do stuff because you like doing it! And when you enjoy doing it and do spend a lot of time doing it, then you become really good! See, it's not a goal, it's a result!
It's all in that book, it's worth time and money, read it :)
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0062457713/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_13?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER
Highly suggest audiobooks or if you have chrome on a computer and/or a voice assistant on a smartphone (Siri, Google, etc.) then use the Read Aloud/ Text-To-Speech features for books in the ePub format. Here's some links for these tools:
•Read-Aloud Features: Siri on iOS or Google on Android
•Online Text-To-Speech Program: Natural Reader (Free use for basic voice, sounds a little robotic but it's handy)
• Book Management Software: Calibre (can convert PDFs, Kindle format books to ePub. May not always work due to DRM and content formatting.)
Recommended books:
• Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, MD
(Amazing book for anyone looking to turn their mental health and lifestyle around with the power of cognition)
• Mindsight by Dr. David Siegel, MD
(Another psych book dealing with various techniques for improving our mind-body-spirit connection from a neurobiological standpoint)
•.The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle
(The book has sort of a cult vibe but the overall message is about understanding who you are in the present and not letting your mind stop you from living beyond your physical capabilities)
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
(Very down to earth guidelines about how to adjust perspectives that focus less on others and more on your own needs)
I wish you good luck and remember that everything you need is already with you.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson may have some helpful insight for you. I recently finished this book and have been recommending to all of my friends. The first chapter is kind of obnoxious, the rest of the book is pure gold in regards to gaining perspective on managing the things that are truly important in your life.
> how does one improve social skills?
Reading some books on how to deal with social anxiety may help. This one has pretty good recommendations. Mark Manson also has an easy to read book.
For myself, I enjoy stoic literature. It's good to know that even during times of hell, you can still find some inner peace in your mind. The point of stoicism isn't to imagine that bad things don't happen, but that you are much more capable of dealing with terrible situations than you would otherwise think.
This Bible might help.
There's already a book
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck https://www.amazon.in/dp/0062641549/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KE7OzbEJYSC63
I know this isn't a comment you want to read, but tbh dude, just buy this book if you haven't already read it.
I think you have a problem with being self-loathing because you're constantly comparing yourself to other girls. There's a good part in the book the really encapsulates your situation, and I think you'd benefit overall from reading it. It's $12 and it's a short read. Give it a shot.
For my own personal advice, when it comes to diet and exercise, your goal should be to develop habits, not to seek a specific weight. Focus on developing healthy habits (which it seems you are doing good). I find doing that makes me much happier rather than trying to obtain a goal hoping i'll be happier once I reach it.
https://www.amazon.in/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving/dp/0062641549
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counter-intuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by Mark Manson. (link to book)Not exactly a book to help find who you are, but it can help you start thinking differently and might help you discover what you really want to focus on in your life.
Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength
Self-discipline requires willpower, and the book explains how willpower works and how you can optimise it.
https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231
That sucks... You should look into Modafinil. It's being used as an alternative to amphetamines and can be readily imported in some countries without a prescription.
As for subjectivity, the truth is that ADHD and the brain aren't really understood well enough to have clear cut instruction manuals. You'll have to pilfer from different places. A book that I found useful in understanding some of the dynamics at play was Willpower. It does use a lot of qualitative examples but they are backed up by scientific literature https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231
Good luck.
Oh yeah. I do go and work out most week days but every once in a while I'll feel shity and might only jump on the threadmill for 20 minutes but I keep going.
Habit building is a skill all on it's own and the habit is more valuable than any workout. I also use my indicator/turn signal when noone's around, it takes less will power. My goal with these things is always to get to automatic so it doesn't take willpower anymore.
I recomend this
http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231
I think the two with the biggest bearing on this issue are Willpower, by Baumeister and Tierney and Self Directed Behavior, by Watson and Tharp.
Both are amazing reads, and the Self Directed Behavior book is a life changer if you follow their protocol.
> I wonder if this is a common response?
Yes, according to a book by Roy Baumeister that I read it is a natural response to crave for sugar when you're frightened or feel bad (and I'm sure that shock costed your body lots of energy also).
Get this book and read it.
There's a lot of advice out there, and you won't be able to tell which is reliable and which everyone believes simply because it sounds logical. The book discusses the science behind willpower.
It may not have that many tips, but I think it's key to understanding why certain attempts in the past lead to failure.
"Patience is a muscle" is a great metaphor, but what you're really doing is rewiring your brain. Your brain is very malleable and it can be retrained via repeated effort.
I highly recommend Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength and The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains if you want to learn more about the science of it.
I would also recommend these two books. They are both great in that neither one is a 'self-help' book but rather the most up to date science about (resisting) addictive behaviors.
http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231/ - Willpower is like a gas tank. A lot of the 'side effect' reboot stories you get here are explained by this book.
http://www.amazon.com/End-Overeating-Insatiable-American-Appetite/dp/1605294578/ - I read this one twice while I lost 60 pounds. Most of the things said about food and methods to avoid breaking from one's diet apply equally well to nofap.
So I read this book Willpower, which I think is a pretty neat book. One of the chapters is about David Blaine and how he trains for his endurance acts (seemingly godlike displays of willpower).
However anecdotal (n=1), the book elucidates that when he is training for his next endurance feat Blaine will be very focused not just on the endurance act itself, but in all aspects of his life. He is more apt to working out hard, eating healthier, etc.
Personally this is my longest nofap streak that I attribute to focus in all aspects of my life. Lifting heavy, eating proper, studying hard in school, partying hard on the weekends (just being social, not necessarily getting bombed). Where the shower comes in is that I think it is just another involvement of an act that requires a degree of discipline. It's kind of like a 'healthy diet' for ones skin. Self denial.
Anyhow I'm done rambling keep it up guize.
It's within your grasp man. This book, "Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength" changed my life. It's stays true to science, while at the same is well-written and fun to read. You could be the Kobe of... you know, whatever it is you do :)
https://open.spotify.com/user/cjhlambert/playlist/6rdsDoz8Hxi0EYbybhdZOq?si=Ej1TmeNg
And I'm not a doctor so take this with a grain of salt. But when I had my depression and got out of it I was really fascinated by the process and have spent a few years reflecting on it, reading books on neuroscience, forming theories, testing them, etc. Real stupid nerd hobby stuff that I find interesting because psychology is so interesting.
Depression tends to fall into two categories. Hereditary and circumstantial. Hereditary depression is genetic in nature and responds very well to medication. Circumstantial depression is the kind brought on by a relationship ending, being in a job you hate, not being satisfied with life, etc. Circumstantial depression is due to negative thought circuits so doesn't really respond to medication because medication treats chemical imbalances. Chemical imbalances aren't the same as negative thought patterns.
Negative thought patterns almost always have a trigger sensory trigger. As do most negative patterns. For example, say you get McDonalds every day on your way to work. You put on 100lbs. You decide you want to lose the weight. Every day you drive to work will be a struggle to not get McDonalds because you've formed a habit chain triggered by the drive to work. Fighting the trigger will deplete glucose (the willpower resource that fuels good decision making), leaving you susceptible to poor decision making later in the day.
So if you want to break the McDonalds habit and not have the morning struggle the solution would be to take a different road to work. This is because the new route means a new neural pattern has to form for "drive to work" since the new route has different sensory information. This means it cleans the slate when it comes to triggers. Meaning you won't have the same McDonalds cravings.
The best thing you can do then to recover from a depression is rearrange as much as you can. Change the layout of your bedroom and living room. Buy five new shirts. Travel to a city you've never been to before. Get some decorations. Spend time with friends at places the two of you have never gone before. Start watching new TV shows you've never seen.
By rearranging the furniture around you, you create a new neural pattern that dilutes the power of old triggers. Like, if you and an ex sat on the couch all the time, every time you sit on the couch you'll trigger the neural patterns for your ex. But if you move the couch to face a new wall then you suddenly don't have any memories/patterns of having been with your ex in this situation.
When I was depressed at college and couldn't drop out, I ended up spending a lot of time at the campus book store reading graphic novels. I'd go to the art museum. I'd go to movies. By immersing myself in these artistic realms it made the reality of Cleveland in the winter that much more bearable because for a few hours each day I was mentally and spiritually gone from Cleveland.
For some further reading, check out Willpower by Roy Baumeister. Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Then I really recommend reading the book The Definitive Guide to Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease (something like that. The body language book is just something really cool because it always gives you something to do. Like, I've been at parties where I didn't know anyone but because I know this dumb shit about body language I could read the room and know who liked who, who disliked who, who wasn't having a good time, who was, and then figure out who to talk to. It's helped me make friends, get laid, get friends laid, do well in work situations, etc. invaluable information that was also part of my getting out of depression.
If you have any questions, please ask!
http://amzn.com/0143122231
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Advantage-Principles-Psychology-Performance/dp/0307591549
That's called imposer syndrome. Look it up. Literally every graduate student has it. It's very normal.
Creatine is a substance found in high end red meat and fish that most people are deficient in. It's usually taken by bodybuilders as a workout supplement but many people take it for their brain. It's pretty much like taking a vitamin. You can find it at mist pharmacy's or on Amazon. People who are deficient in creatine, which is most of the population, can see about a 5iq point boost. It's one of the most well studied substances that exists, there's 0 downside to it as far as I can tell. (Omega 3 is good as well, but it's less dramatic and more well known)
Depression can also lower your iq by a good few points. Although if you already exercise you're probably doing most of what you can to manage it. A dietary change can help a lot with your overall brain power too. Look into a keto diet, or read an experiment to find a good diet, and you'll have a lot more energy to get things done. You said you have a healthy diet so you're probably good on this, but if you're still feeling bad the diet might not be healthy enough even if you think it is. Many people react differently to different things and there's a ton of misinformation as to what constitutes healthy.
Being a graduate student is a miserable job. You're working absurd hours for bad pay and expected to do amazing things with low odds of success. It's normal to feel the way you feel. Maybe get a therapist. Even if you're not depressed, just talking this stuff through will help you feel better and thus be more productive. Happy people tend to be significantly better at their jobs than unhappy ones so if you can learn to be happy it'll help quite a lot.
I'd recommend the book feeling good, as well. It's basically a guide to doing cognitive behavioral therapy on yourself. I disagree with the philosophy of the book, it maintains that its irrational to be unhappy regardless of circumstance. It's something Jordan Peterson is completely opposed to. However the methods of the book are scientifically sound and Peterson has vouched for the utility of cbt and uses it himself depending on the patient. It'll help you notice a lot of bad and irrational thought patterns and counter then with thoughts more congruent with reality.
mostly meditation, exercise, and a positive journal. i try and meditate twenty minutes daily and i also write one page in my journal everyday. i also exercise for a half hour every day (alternating running and body weight training). my journal entries start with three things i am grateful for and/or make me happy, followed by one in detail description of something positive from the last twenty four hours. both range from large things to small, as long as they make me happy. both of these train your brain to scan the environment for positive things.
all of this is stuff i learned from The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor, whom i discovered via his TED talk.
if you like i can send you the ebook version that i have. that book really changed my perspective on my own thoughts. overall a hugely rewarding read. i think i liked the book so much because it was exhaustively cited. Achor himself is pretty accomplished in the field of positive psychology.
Is it this book?
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469120244&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries
I think this is going to be a lifelong problem if you don't do something about it. I think you do need to confront it, but you need you husband's support as well. My suggestion for everything is to read a good book on the subject. My recommendation is Boundaries. And I would have your husband read it too. I hope you find some peace with this situation. Good luck!
Boundaries. Read this book. I cannot emphasize how much I feel like this book was meant for you. I think it might help you be more at peace with your own life and with your relationships with others. This book has helped me personally, also.
Oh and this book has really
Good reviews on helping people set up and maintain healthy boundaries! Because getting there’s really hard and sometimes we need a hand https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_SHmGDb8XXCXP9
I replied to someone's comment above about notebooks, so see that instead of me copying it here!
Getting immersed in projects is really fantastic, if you are interested in more about that feeling I would recommend reading some books about it (I feel like a bit of a traitor for linking a psychology book in a physics thread of all places!). But, like anything, you can improve at getting into that state, and be able to pursue it better.
And yeah, my comment about the CS people is definitely a bit idealistic haha. You might need to bother a dozen people before one will be willing to spend a bit of time with you, but that's okay.
Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
As someone said it's called a flow state:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)
Some cool books on it:
http://www.amazon.com/Rise-Superman-Decoding-Ultimate-Performance/dp/1477800832/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462376699&sr=8-1&keywords=rise+of+superman
http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
I've read The Rise of Superman, but not the second book I linked. Definitely recommend The Rise of Superman if you're interested in extreme sports.
I think what you're talking about is flow. It's this zone between something that is too easy and too difficult. It's where you get 'into the zone' and just focus.
https://www.amazon.ca/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0061339202
A quick addition to what I mentioned elsewhere here: I really like two books that are highly relevant to this discussion: Mastery, by George Leonard, which is a short but thoughtful read about dealing with the ups and downs of a difficult, long-term learning process (viewed through the lens of Aikido), and, much more generally, Flow, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, which explores the importance of and process for finding depth and focus in skill-based activities.
Basically, both of them dive heavily into why it is more important - even for performance - to focus on the process rather than the goal.
There's a concept in M. Csikszentmihalyi's book titled Flow.
He puts in the visualization of an infinite, dynamic curve that one places oneself on in order to achieve a "Flow State". Make the journey into whatever you're working on difficult enough to be challenging but no so much that it becomes continuously anxiety-inducing.
It's a really great read if you'd like to look into the science and some discussion on this concept:
Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Meditate. Read this then practice it.
Empathy plus economics.
I'm nonreligious, but my parents required me to attend church every Sunday growing up, regardless of my belief. I suspect that the pastor may have not believed entirely, because regardless of how much I believed in God, I could always take something away from his sermons. This (plus, perhaps, natural disposition) left me extremely empathetic to the plight of the less fortunate. I'm not sure how I'd be if I'd been brought up differently, but I certainly remember feeling strong emotions about reducing suffering in that Sanctuary.
What happens when you reduce the price of something? Well, it depends. There's a whole song and dance involving indifference curves and maximizing a utility function, but coming at it intuitively: it might be such a better bargain that I spend more money on it. Or, I might buy more of it in total, but since the price is reduced, this means I'm spending less money on it. Or, it might be a Giffen good, meaning that I buy less of it, since I can now afford to buy other things that I want more. Because of my background, my reaction to finding out there's incredibly effective charities with funding gaps means I have the first reaction.
I should probably also mention [flow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology), since Csikszentmihalyi's book has lead me to believe that maximizing happiness tends to be very inexpensive. Biggest example: I don't own a car because I prefer biking to driving. The biggest difference between what I do and frugality is that my not spending money is a result of happiness-maximizing, which means it has exceptions. In particular, I play a classical instrument which costs about as much as a used car, if I performed more, it'd cost as much as a new car. But, beyond that, I spend almost nothing because doing things that cost money incurs a utility penalty, since I tend to find them less fun than freer stuff.
Oh, and the 10% comes from this blog post. When I reach extremely high levels of financial security, that number will likely increase to 50%, because of how charitable deductions work in my country.
tl;dr: after seeing how much good the best charities could do for so little, my natural reaction was to throw large amounts of money at them. As a bonus, it's literally impossible to make me feel guilty for not giving money to anything else or not being politically active.
When you realize that you are allowed to write off the negative spiral read the solution, Flow.
Learn how to Flow. Pretty much the author says, when something requires the right amount of 1) difficulty and 2) creativity, you flow. One result of flow, besides life fulfillment, is time seems to travel faster. How cruel really
I also recommend Flow
Flow is quite literally one of the few sensible and truly useful things I've ever encountered. The denizens 'round here don't take kindly to it. Please, check out the original book Flow, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. It's the most elegant and objective description of psychology and humanity I've ever seen.
Another good book will be Flow
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
I have heard the term "zen" used as a shorthand for this feeling. But that is broad.
Another term may be the neologism "flow" as described in this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061339202
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
This book is by a Hungarian-born American psychology prof on his work of what is most popularly known as "being in the zone".
Welcome! Here's the way that I keep things simple with keto:
You don't really need to complicate it much beyond that. There's lots of really delicious food you can make that's keto friendly as well (I love chaffles).
You're right that your life is worth much more than hiding! I've really enjoyed the book Self Compassion, it helped me realize that I was being way too hard on myself and that most people do that to themselves. Learning some compassion for yourself can make inevitable setbacks so much easier to deal with and a breeze to bounce back from.
You can totally do this!
Of course! It’s long though 😂 I (28f) was in a toxic relationship (29m) last year which heightened my insecurities and how hard I was/can still be on myself in general. I met with a therapist who I worked with before; I previously broke my leg playing roller derby and essentially had PST trying to play the sport again but about two years ago he got me through it so I was completing at the mental level I was at before.
In the relationship, I started noticing how down I got, I question my actions and feelings, and my overall neediness was out on control (I’m pretty independent normally). I would cry and get anxiety attacks about the smallest disagreements and changes in my BFs attitude and actions. Most of the time these things were triggered by him being a dick because I was being too needy which led to our relationship essentially being a never ending circle of these two things filled with alcohol and great sex 😂. Super healthy.
I also had 0 support from my friends at this time. I had one friend that HATED my BF and would take out her dislike for him on me. I realized I wasn’t getting the support I needed from my group of friends so I asked to meet with my therapist again. We started meeting around June or July 2017 after my BF and I had been dating on and off since January 2017.
It was really hard to open up to him about everything, but when I eventually did, he told me I’m suffering from anxiety. Plus, I lacked self compassion which heightened the anxiety. He recommended Headspace and this book called Self Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff . He also mentioned starting a gratitude journal and setting goals for myself to help me move through the anxiety. I took it a step further and would write out my feelings and insecurities as a way to work through them.
I starting to implement the book, meditation, writing, and therapy (quadfecta) into my life but I wasn’t ready to heal. In September 2017, my BF broke up with me for good. I was sad but knew it was for the best because we both made each other miserable despite how much fun we had together. I continued the quadfecta but I still wasn’t ready. I was taking it seriously but mentally wasn’t ready take it to the next level and change. I hit rock bottom at the beginning of January 2018.
I did a 30 day yoga challenge and as I type this I realize this is what got me on a healthy routine and track. I had one thing to centralize my life around since my BF was gone; I personally thrive on overly dedicating myself to one thing. I then got more serious about the quadfecta.
I was able to better incorporate techniques from Headspace such as being present during tasks, stopping to thing what I’m grateful for, setting meaningful intentions, etc. My meditation practice increased and was coming easy to me as it finally was a standard in my routine. I had regularly been meditating maybe 15 days in a row and then one weekend would throw me off. I decided I wanted to set a goal to meditate like 120 or 90 days in a row. I never completed it. I got to day 59 because day 60 was too busy. It was full of fun activities with my friends, yoga, and laziness. I was walking home around 11 pm like oh I can meditate once I get home so I don’t mess up my streak but I told myself no. It wasn’t a no out of laziness but a no out of confidence and awareness. In that moment, I knew I hit a unset goal for myself. I’m an over achiever and have to be perfect at everything, but by accepting with ease I wouldn’t meet this goal, I knew it meant I had improved my mental state.
I continued therapy until July 2018. I was finally at a place where I didn’t need to have regular sessions. It was really hard for me to admit that but my therapists door is always open.
Today, I honestly don’t use the quadfecta anymore 😩 which is totally fine because when I start to get anxious thoughts I breath through them to clam my mind and “note” what I’m thinking or feeling; noting is a technique from Headspace. I also am not hard on myself for having a bad day. For example, I did or said something (I can’t remember... this is how much it mattered 😂) and I was freaking out about it. My mind was so crazy with anxious thoughts. I tried to calm my thoughts with techniques from before and it just wasn’t working and I said okay. I let my mind and thoughts lose control (for an hour or so) to get it out of my system and once I did, I went back to the techniques I learned to prevent anything further.
My mind isn’t as calm as it was before and I miss it so I started meditation again. Today’s day 5!
Hopefully that’s relatable or gives you some insight! If you have specific questions, let me know!
Real quick. I’m 27, and I’ve personally got SA, GAD, and Depression. Probably dealt with them all in differing levels of intensity for the past 15+ yrs. I personally feel just putting myself out there (exposure), buddhism/mindfulness, and a couple self-help books ( Self Compassion & Radical Acceptance ) all really helped, but learning self-compassion and acceptance were the real game changers.
I feel one of the biggest reasons we are so hard on ourselves is because we fundamentally feel unworthy. The reason we’re scared isn’t the simple act of talking, it’s the fear of judgement/rejection. Compassion helps me be gentle with myself, and acceptance allow me to accept what is, and not what I wish was. If that makes sense.
Also, mindfulness. This teaches me to be present in the moment. Not in the future worrying about some conversation I’m going to have, and not in the past worrying about a convo I think I messed up on. Mindfulness teaches me the beauty of the now. Meditation specifically helps teach mindfulness, and is something thats helped me, but I’ve heard has really helped others.
and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Basically retraining my brain. Teaches me to reframe and re-approach my negative thoughts, in a more compassionate and realistic light. In all honestly, I’ve got my good days, and I’ve got my bad. I’m not 100% recovered, and maybe not even 50% but I feel much better, and I have some great tools at my disposal.
To refrain from writing an entire book I made this really brief. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I can really relate. What helps me is thinking about each day I didn't smoke as a victory, even if I relapsed again (after days, weeks, months clean). I think many of us have had the experience that you describe; and I genuinely do feel like I am getting more capable of making the choice to control my use after all the relapses, even if I haven't cracked the code yet of what makes me keep coming back.
It sounds like you might not have fully cracked the code either: but hating yourself (instead of listening to yourself) only makes it worse, so try to take it easy on you. Positive motivations will help: looking forward to spending more time with your kids, or having your mind clear to pursue a hobby or a good book. Sometimes the negative motivations (like shaming yourself) can make the need to crawl back into the hole seem much more urgent than it actually is.
This book really helped me: maybe try giving it a look?
https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520
Having compassion for yourself is a huge part of healing, and it starts by being able to accept that others find you worthwhile. I think you are. You seem like an okay person who’s hurting a lot already.
If you’re eventually able to see the scared little kid part of yourself that was dealing with way more than even most adults are emotionally ready to handle, you can forgive them and offer them compassion, acceptance and unconditional love. You have to intentionally shut down all the internal critics, replace them with self-compassion, and address the fears of loss and the shame/guilt that will continue to bring them back.
If you’re the reading sort, consider Self-Compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself by Kristin Neff. My therapist recommended it to me because this has been something I struggled with for a long time. Let’s just say your story sounds familiar, though if you want to know I’m glad to discuss further, or I’ve written about it at various times in my post history.
Hugs if you want them, but at least know you’re not alone in feeling this way. The pain will fade eventually, with time and processing it in therapy. You’re still good and human, even if you’ve done things you’re not proud of or lost people you care for.
As someone who has struggled with this for decades may I also suggest the book (Edited to add: Self Compassion- The proven power of being kind to yourself by Kristin Neff.) https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061733520/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520708340&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=self-compassion+kristin+neff&dpPl=1&dpID=51lMvyzaYcL&ref=plSrch
my advice
Seriously, this book will do wonders:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484711274&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
Buy this and read it:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Tldr: stop comparing, create your own path and be your actualized self.
you need stop comparing. True humanity is being humane. Nothing more. All those things you just listed are things people do to get some satisfaction and in the process we have made them ideals and therefore unreachable standards. Just think about how much ads we see a day, how we are trying to impress the others to look above average. The classical ideals of fame and fortune are utopian.
The thing to realize is that 90% of all humans are average in every aspect, 5 % exceeds expectations and meets the actual standards, the other 5 % is below average and don't have that great odds to get a more humane live. I am talking about genetics here, not about external factors like culture and location. This is evolution.
Where others don't have adhd, the chances are pretty high that they lack in other areas, think handicaps or other health issues or anything that one can hinder in being his true self.
I believe we need be proud to be average this makes us humble and thankfull for that wich we do have. Even the smallest things like seeing or thinking.
It can be hard to strive to those standards we are always trying to reach, for if not those ideals what else has meaning in life?
A tree. A tree is a tree, and nothing more. A bird is a bird nothing more. A amoeba is a amoeba. That's how nature works. Humankind is the only species among with a few other primates that strives to change its self into something else, something more. Why? Why should we do that? No one ever got happy from it and only suffered and made others suffer. That's what's most sports and war is all about.
So I say let us practice the 'modern' stoic way. Don't say I am in it to win it. But internalize your goals. Make it. I am Going to try to do my best. And what is your best? That's being the truest form of your self. See the difference? When you are in it to win it your serenity depends on something you don't control. It's better to put it somewhere you do have control over, like your expectations. Your own personal standards.
Humanity is being human. And you are you. So stand in it. Practice your actual self. With your abilities and disabilities. As is. Accept that. Do not compare it against society. Think of it like you are the only one on earth. How would you feel about your actual self if this was the case?
This is not something I figured out my self but the ancient Greeks and Roman's already lived this way thousands of years under the movement of stoicism.
I mainly got these techniques and thoughts out of this book wich I really recommend, it's a bit though but if are interested in the history is a good read else you can skip to part 2 or 3 of the book the guide to the good life - the ancient art of stoic joy by William Irvine
An other more modern take on certain aspects of stoicism is the subtle art of not Giving a fuck - an counterintuitive approach of living a good life
Note: self help books only help if you are open to them and want to read them, not if you are urged by an external peer to read them
especially for people with adhd these really help and give some solid techniques on how to handle life. It made me so much more confident in my self. From being a shy r/niceguys pushover to an independent man who knows how to love himself and not get upset by daily life. All the while being actually happy, content and innerly calm and serene.
This is a book that has helped me with depression https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713, try reading it and see if it helps you.
You need to learn how to not give a shit, easier said than done of course, but here is a good book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/
So many people are in your situation, its a real epidemic - many of your coworkers suffer the same I'm sure, people just hide it. Taking a new job or a holiday probably wont make much difference, you have to change your thinking - maybe have a look into mindfulness.
Have you been reading Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck? Because it sounds like you have been.
Grindr is literally the worst possible place for anyone with any kind of insecurities, so cut that shit out.
I think only stupid people don't feel like they're unlikable. So congratulations, you're sane.
Heres a book you should read, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.
Once you stop caring how others think, you'll stop getting flustered, and your confidence will go up. Once that happens you automatically go up a few levels... So like so many other things, fake it til you make it.
It's perfectly normal. In fact, if I were you I'd worry more if you didn't have those feelings.
It sounds to me like you're sort of stuck in a rut, man. That sucks. Is there anything else you could be doing, job-wise?
> The thought of getting married and having kids scares the shit out of me.
You are under no obligation whatsoever to get married and father children. Some people choose to do it, some choose not to. I for one, choose not to. It's up to you and what makes you happy and feels right.
> This isn't what I expected life to be like. My outlook on life has become very bleak and the things I used to enjoy has become boring.
It's only just begun, and that's a good thing. But I get what you're saying, though. For example, I've played guitar since I was around 12. For a couple of years I just didn't feel like it.. Didn't play a single riff for months at a time. This year I met a woman who just started a year ago, and we had a blast playing together. Jammed on old classics and taught her a couple of tricks. Bam! My enthusiasm for my beloved instrument was back. Point is, your passion for the things you used to enjoy can strike back just like that, given that you're in a good mental state.
> I'm just going through the motions, nothing matters. Does life get better after your 20's?
Speaking of a good mental state. Yes, it gets better when your 20's are over. At least for me, that decade was a fucking ordeal. I came to terms with who I was and what life is like, be it fucked or not. Giving less fucks about shit that didn't actually matter helped a great deal for my overall well-being. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck pretty much sums it up.
Best of luck. Your best years are ahead of you, not behind you.
Excellently put! I recently learned a lot of that from a self-help audio book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson, who pretty much said the same thing as above. Once you stop largely caring about how you measure up to others and worrying about how they perceive you, it's a big load off of your mind. As he puts it "there are only so many fucks I can give in one day, so I reserve them for the things that I truly give a fuck about", essentially, don't concern yourself with petty bullshit and you'll be a happier person.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1499401834&sr=8-1&keywords=not+giving+a+fck+book
You are very welcome!
If you like reading/Audiobooks - This book was a really good starting place, plenty of science in it, so it's not wishy washy 😂.
The Compassionate Mind (Compassion Focused Therapy) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B002S0KBYU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_TlGCCb7KFWEWP
It's 99p on Kindle format atm.
And this was fun to listen to on Audible -
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_noGCCbA3QEVJR
Regardless, you'll get there if that's your intention, just keep doing what your doing 👍
I've heard good things about this book: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+art+of+not+giving+a+fuck&qid=1549664651&sr=8-1
>Do you do this after you read the book, or during?
I'm actively doing this while I'm reading the book. It helps that I'm usually reading a book with my laptop in front of me, but if I don't have my laptop I'll usually just jot down some notes in the margins/highlight/write on scrap papers and then put it in my mindmap later. I see this as being a tool for me to go back and absorb information quickly months down the line so I don't have to reread a book a bunch to pick up ideas again.
> Is the software just for desktop/laptop use or smart phone too? (And how do you use it?)
It's opensource so I don't think they have an app. However there are a bunch of mindmap softwares out there so I'm sure there is one that links to mobile. I just happen to like this one because it's free! As to how to use it, there is a fairly good help page in the software once you download it and you pick up how to use it after reading it for ~30 minutes or so.
> I'd love to see your completed one if you want to post it!
I'll make a post about it or link to it here once I have a good one. Currently filling one out for this subreddit's current reading so I'll post it in a week or two.
I present to you: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
I think you're ready...
Same author, different book.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=la_B00J4J5CFQ_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518652680&sr=1-1 ´
It's a very good book.
Training a Tiger https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062702289/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_aYQLxbB8S0ZQF
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (Harper Perennial Modern Classics) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061339202/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hZQLxbR6ZVBTN
I read a couple of books by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi recently that is based around the concept of Flow (being in the zone) and he argues that the most happy people are is when they're in flow; it stops you thinking about yourself and you sort of lose a sense of self/ego.
I believe the book I read was Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, it be something that interests you.
In addition to the names already mentioned, I'd check out Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.
If anyone wants to know more, I suggest reading Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by the same person Wired interviewed. It's an excellent book.
I found an antidepressant that worked for me (I had to try a few, figuring out what drug will work for a particular person is a bit of a guessing game). That helped me regain some perspective on life and remember what it feels like not to be depressed and hopeless all the time.
Then I started changing some habits. I exercised more (both weightlifting and cardio) and found that it improved my mood even more than my health. I ate better, fewer refined sugars, more vegetables, etc. I worked to incorporate things I really enjoy into my normal routine. I like to read, so I made sure I took the time to do it even when busy with other things. My mood is better when I'm with friends, so I made more of an effort to get out and be social. I watched less TV, which tends to dampen my mood.
A lot of people are depressed for a reason. Even if a big part of the problem is how you respond to certain kinds of pressures and disappointments, you can make things easier on yourself by looking for things in your life that make you depressed. Is your job demoralizing? Look for ways to make it better or try to find a new one. Are you in a relationship that's giving you more stress than happiness? Maybe you should address some of the things that make you unhappy with your SI, or get out of the relationship altogether. Big changes can be stressful, which can make some people depressed, but they can also be empowering and remove unhealthy elements from your life. It takes some self-knowledge and serious thought to know which is which, but it's worth it.
After making the lifestyle changes, I started to think about my mental habits. I learned through research that cognitive behavioral therapy is the most effective form of "talking cure." I'm more comfortable working things out by myself, so I bought self-help workbooks based on that method (e.g.).
I started researching the science behind neuroplacticity, or the degree to which your brain can physically adapt to habits of thought, and learned that what seemed to be hardwired can actually be changed through effort and practice. That was empowering, and motivated me to change the way I think about things.
I read books like Flow and The Chemistry of Joy, in order to understand better what being happy looks like in practice.
I used the antidepressants as a crutch to help stabilize me while I got my life together, and to keep me from falling into the crippling despondency that goes with my depression. After I had built some healthier habits, both mental and behavioral, I decided to get off them to see if I could sustain myself without them. Remember that getting off of most antidepressants can bring on extremely painful withdrawal if done too quickly. Taper down slowly with the help of your doctor. Remember also that there's some evidence that after going off of a drug, it can be less effective when you go back on, so focus on improving your mental outlook and habits for a while before jumping off your meds. I still have bad days, but I'm better equipped to cope with them now, and I don't get caught in depressive cycles the way I used to.
Finally, remember that just like everyone responds differently to different medications, everyone will take different things out of the books I mention and the techniques that worked for me. Look around and see what appeals to you. The important thing to remember is that you can change your mental health with practice, and it's not as hard as it seems when you're depressed.
I wish you the best of luck.
OK, now I am flying.
Introduction
Let us go on a journey, then, shall we?
Let us get a nice soundtrack first.
I recommend something relaxed, but heady.
Try PsyAmbient / Deep Trance Mix - "The Final Dimension" or Epicuros Interstellar (Chillout) on for size.
The journey
On this journey, I will introduce you in two sections.
These sections are Physics and Self improvement and understanding
The most preferred route will be first Physics, then Meditation.
After that we recommend the other way around.
After that, and I stress AFTER THAT,
You either retry, OR if you feel you have an understanding, try the other order.
AFTER THAT, again, I am serious.
You can try to intersperse them. Reading all of physics, one chapter of each a week, contemplating on their significance for each other.
But I can promise you will go back to the prior level more than once.
Gravity and Magnetism
Let us take a look at gravity and magnetism.
Magnetism
Google for [source of magnetism],
Look at the very first link provided:
Sources of Magnetism
That read is a trip, enjoy.
TL:DR
There are several sources of magnetism, but none of them have to do with mass.
There are ridiculously strong, small magnets.
Let us take a look at their strength
The magnetic force is much stronger than gravity.
Gravity
You can go on and learn about [gravitational waves] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravitational_wave)
or and now it gets juicy after learning about gravity, go into the actual research, not the scifi esoteric crap, but real research on anti gravity.
Meditation, Fitness, Productivity, Creativity, and Happiness
With the head full of ALL that, we take a completely different direction, and go into our selves.
Flow
But if you really want to round it off, with actually becoming succesful go and learn about the concept of Flow by Mihaly_Csikszentmihalyi
In his book flow:the psychology of optimal experience no affiliate link, don't worry
Good Luck
Alright, I think I have you covered for a while, there.
Contact me, if you need to.
Feel free to pester me with questions.
I am actually beginning (again) with this, too.
Maybe we can learn from each other.
Deal?
A lot of people are suggesting self-help books, which isn't a genre I recommend to anyone who is genuinely interested in learning about himself and the world around him. You'll be limited to simple paradigms and formulaic models. The world is not simple and no one really understands it that well, so any book that claims to break it down into a a few categories or a comprehensible graph, must be taken with a grain of salt. You will never see lasting personal growth if you latch on to a pop-psychology formula. Maybe you already know this, I'm mostly reacting to the comments. There is no "one book," but maybe you're just looking for a place to start.
I really like The Lucifer Effect for exploring how some people become evil. This is the guy who did the Stanford Prison Experiment in the 70's.
And since I don't really know what you're looking for, Flow is just awesome for getting motivated to be useful.
That sounds cool and all but I don't think you're really getting to bottom of what's happening when you say stuff like "on-the-fly adaptation can become one and whole as part of the subconscious flux." The act of adapting during a match, a verb, becomes part of what, now? A subconscious flux, what is that? "Flow" is a state of mind, we are trying to understand, describe, and be able to reproduce this "optimal experience."
Galeway and even Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi the guy that popularized the concept fell short, as Flow reads like a self-help book.
Anyway, cognizance is directly opposed to subconsciousness. They cannot "become one," since by definition subconsciousness is not being conscious or cognizant.
You are also not going to have "cognizance" at the speed of subconsciousness. Conscious thought takes time, and that slows you down. Speed of decision-making is directly tied to the consciousness of an action. Action is a part of a complete reaction, and quick, effortless reactions gives you that thrilling feeling.
On the one hand, you need reasoning, conscious thought, to solve complex problems, but on the other, you need reaction speed and fine motor control. But, you can't have both. So, the only way "self 1 and 2" working together makes sense is if you are constantly switching between them. Or, if you are riding back and forth along the sliding scale between thinking a lot and thinking next to nothing if that is the subconscious/conscious dichotomy's true nature.
This "self 1 and 2 switching" is different from both Galeway's "inner game" and Csikszentmihalyi's "flow" paradigms, as they focus on primarily on activities where you need to consciously adapt very little. Because in reality, that breaks flow. But in Melee and many other competitive games, conscious adaptation is necessary. If you're in the zone and you're fucking LOSING, do you really want to stay in that mind state? No. You want to identify the problem, solve it, and get back in the zone as quickly as possible.
If you want a spiritual-sciencey metaphor summary, you want to relieve the inertia that resists your atemporal transit. You want graceful hardware and software interrupts. You want to be able to repeatedly jump in the lazy river, adapt to the current, and jump back out, walk to another point of the river, and jump back in without it, like, feeling weird, or something. I don't know.
It's not specifically about music, but the book Flow by Csikszentmihalyi is about this type of "optimal experience" - the idea that sometimes we're more present and effective and observant and stuff. It's pretty interesting stuff imho.
I worked in bookstores for years and people would come in sometimes like 'do you have this book, uh, "flow"' and the answer was always 'only if you can spell that author's last name.'
if you want more literature, check out out this book. it's a little hard to read but talks a lot more about flow
Thanks for posting.
Article didn't do much for me.
For anyone interested in how to actually use flow, in a consistent trainable repeatable manner, rather than in the usual airy fairy "oh we don't know how this happens" manner check out these two books:
Flow: The Psychology of Happiness by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0061339202/ref=asap_B000AQ1KVM?ie=UTF8
Prasara Yoga: Flow Beyond Thought by Scott Sonnen
http://www.amazon.com/PRASARA-YOGA-Flow-Beyond-Thought/dp/0979427541/ref=sr_1_sc_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1418816359&sr=1-2-spell&keywords=scott+sonnen
The first book is more the mental side, the second book more the physical side, both are great reading.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=flow&qid=1555969710&s=books&sr=1-1
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
John Vervaeke on YouTube is great. Check out his videos. I especially like his series: Awakening from the Meaning Crisis.
Flow
This book completely changed how I see life. I've read a lot of self help books in my day, and this is the book that has finally allowed me to start actually applying the lessons I've learned in the rest of the genre.
Over the course of four or five months I've managed to start at 20 minutes and build out to an hour and a half daily of "flow activities". "Engineering flow" is a very real skill that takes time to learn and implement, but it's fucking worth it.
10/10 will be buying that book for a loved one this week :D
I read it on vacation and found it a bit too serious for that setting. As far as philosophy goes I preferred a book called Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. I found it had similar values but was much easier to read.
Watch youtube reaction videos, you'll see tons of it. Look at all of those stress / deep thought signs (touching your face, fingers through hair, stroking chin) and then watch a poker game.
I remember as a teen my mother was constantly telling me not to roll my eyes so much, that it was very rude. Thing is, it's not a gesture I ever perform intentionally, I didn't even know I was doing it. There is a really interesting exercise you can do involving paying attention to your body; this type of stuff happens way more than you realize, you perform at least some of these gestures subconsciously. The next time you notice a physical sensation (clenched fist, sore jaw, walking slower or faster than normal, more/less muscle tension than normal, different posture than normal, looking down often instead of looking forward like normal, etc ad nauseum), stop and take note of what you were thinking/feeling, as the two are often correlated.
There are only a few books on intuition and subconscious action that I personally know of that aren't at least quasi-metaphysical; if you aren't into the new-age scene, check out Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, or Flow by Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi. If you don't mind people who spell "magick" with a K (to separate themselves from illusionists / stage magicians), check out Undoing Yourself by Christopher Hyatt, or anything from the Fourth Way school (I find PD Ouspensky's book of the same name to be the most approachable).
TL;DR you yourself probably perform many of these gestures subconsciously, without even realizing it.
I guess before I could probably help with your question, I'd need to better understand what judgments you're making about yourself that make it difficult to find piece. What are you saying to yourself (particularly ABOUT yourself)? Are you telling yourself you can't do it? That you are flawed and so you'll "never be able to stick with it"? Something else?
If so, I'd say one of the most important places to start is to become mindfully aware of our negative self-talk and start treating yourself with more compassion. We all make mistakes, especially when it comes to lifestyle change. It is SO normal (and understandable) that we go back to old habits when under stress - but you need to be the one who reminds yourself of that, gives yourself compassion and love for being human, and then moves on.
Mistakes/slips are a lot easier to tolerate and overcome when we are kind to ourselves for them. Beating ourselves up for them might FEEL like we are protecting ourselves from slipping again by "punishing" the behavior, but it usually only sets us up to fail.
If it helps, I also HIGHLY recommend Kristin Neff on this subject and her book "Self-Compassion": https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= She also has a bunch of info and activities on her website: http://self-compassion.org/
hahaha that made me laugh and there's a lot that's true of what you say. I guess kids (especially pre-middle-school) have a lot less anxiety than adults so there's less of a need to be so emotionally supportive.
But I'm not sure it's a fair comparison. Competitive competions by their nature encourage you to be better than other people. A kid shouldn't be told "Beat everyone else at schoolwork" or "Get the most friends"... they should just be told to do their best and only compete with themselves. An adult OR kid in a competitive sport or game should be being encouraged to beat everyone else.
ALSO: I think the model of "Only compete with yourself" is also sometimes flawed. I recommend everyone reading self-compassion, a book about accepting who you are. Basic premise: Everyone wants to think they're better than average at everything which is obviously not true, so whenever you fall short you can get all sorts of issues. Instead, understand places where you are who you are and be okay with them, learn to live with them, etc. (And also understand where you can improve)
I’ve had the same thing for years and years I’ve started therapy and she recommended a book that changed my outlook and helped me a lot.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061733520/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_UbILDb9XFCSTK
I'd recommend checking out a book by a psychologist named Kristin Neff. I think she's also given TEDx talks on the subject as well.
What makes her book great is that unlike the vast majority of self-help book, the aim isn't to change who you are but how you view yourself as you are. It's very honest and isn't filled with the sort of pseudo-science optimism bullshit that saturate the 'self-help' industry.
> I fucking hate myself
Unfortunately, I know this feeling only too well.
I strongly recommend that you take a look at Self Compassion. I read this book, and it helped me a lot.
Life is hard enough without beating yourself up.
sup man. I idenitfy with your position, so I want to share a couple of resources I've found in my search for self-love.
This book makes it possible to go thorugh the shame shift OP went through without waiting for a meltdown.
This is the main resource I wanted to share. However, you might also want to check out these other resources:
Good book on how new therapies can fix long-standing issues much faster then previously believed
Wow, weekly testing?? Is that the norm?
Regarding being less hard on yourself, I highly highly highly recommend Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. I have it on audiobook and I've listened a couple times through already. It kind of rocked and continues to rock my world.
Yeah.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Really good book such people should read and take to heart.
I'm gonna list one book that has helped me tremendously in my life as far as confidence and being a man, its No More Mr. Nice Guy and it is a fantastic book that I highly recommend. The second book is by a guy who've I've read a lot of content of and he's basically a life coach. He just wrote a new book which I think is exactly what you're looking for, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
My friend, this is a conversation I was having yesterday with an acquaintance on the other side of the country, and a book came up that may be relevant to your needs: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713. He is in a position similar to yours, and says that it helped him. I’m sure there are PDFs of it floating around the web if you don’t want to shell out money for it.
Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=nodl_
It helped me! I have it on Audible and re-listen time to time.
I really enjoyed reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck"
It taught me about giving a fuck only for the things that deserve it.
I also enjoyed "How To Win Friends and Influence People" which taught me that it's not about me - it's about being genuine with, and interested in, other people. My pride? Who gives a fuck! I'm embarrassed? Who gives a fuck!
I then read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" which talks a lot about how to identify what it is you want, and what you care about, and how to align yourself and your life with that. It's a really positive book that I highly recommend reading!
Edit: I also absolutely loved "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelious which is generally about stoicism. The version I read was all "thou shalt", but I've seen somebody on Reddit quote a modern one which made for much easier reading! But Marcus Aurelious basically kept a journal of things he wanted to remind himself of, about his place in the world and his duty. I really, highly recommend it.
might I suggest: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2Zn4AbWN3Q2C1
So, we have an enlarged amygdala because of our thinking. Our ancestors learned to fear everything, this caused the over evolution of it. So yes evolution is environment and biological mixed, you can’t have one without the other. The first single called organisms that sensed light (from the environment), did better than those that didn’t. However if there wasn’t any light they wouldn’t have. If we as a people all started working on neocortex growth this would eventually trickle down. The biggest issues in our society are caused by our failure to evolve as quickly as our society has. We no longer have to fear lions, triggers, and bears, but our amygdala is operating on this old fear system.
However we very much can learn to chill the fuck out, and it starts with addressing our thoughts. The best way to do this is through mindfulness. I personally have in depth understanding of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and mix it with mindfulness. It work so well I wanted to learn where mindfulness originated from. This lead me to Zen. So I would recommend anything mindfulness related to start you on your path. Crazy enough you’ve already been exposed to it through some of the red pill (they are good about using wisdom from others and dressing it up like there own). Two really good books are the subtle art of not giving a fuck and everything is fucked both are by Mark Manson. He is very good at mixing eastern philosophy and psychology in a way that makes it very understandable.
You seem to view her as an extension of yourself and your own status. This is faulty logic. She (like you) are complete and whole on your own. See in life when it comes to sexual relationships we have three choices. Don’t have any experience, have an in depth experience, or have a breath of experiences. None is better or worse than another, they are just different. Choose going alone and you avoid having to ever compromise anything but you’ll always feel like an outsider on some level. Choose an in-depth experience and you lose out on variety and can get boring, but you have a real chance at true intimacy (I say chance because a lot of relationships don’t make it, because it can take 15-30 years to get there). Lastly choosing a breath lets you have a lot of experience and never gets boring, but you have no chance at true intimacy.
So for most of human history women were only allowed to choose between no experience or in-depth. This lead to a lot of suicide, early death etc. Now women are as free as men, but unfortunately not all men have evolved past women being property or just an extension of self. They can’t see that everyone is playing their own game.
I use the analogy of broad games. Everyone is playing their own board game and thinks everyone else is playing the same one. However they aren’t we are all playing different ones, and can never see others persons game. So say your playing monopoly and I am playing chess. I look over at you and get mad that your not moving your pieces like chess, your not playing by my rules. Yet how could you? Your playing a totally different game. This is the truth of everyone no matter how much you love them or how long you’ve been together. I am my husband are playing different games and that just fine as long as I respect his, and he mine.
Having multiple partners isn’t god or bad. It’s just having more partners. What I mean is do you like your girlfriend now? Because if you do you must thank all her past experiences, sexual or not. This is because we’re all just our accumulation of our past experiences. You take away any experience you change the person.
I would humbly suggest you start viewing your girlfriend as a complete person worthy of love and respect like we all our regardless of past. Also stop putting your worth in external things like status, ideas, beliefs. I am no less worthy of my husbands love because of my past. He still loves me and see me as equals because he respects my humanness. He doesn’t believe my past has any bearing on our future (because it doesn’t). He especially does not see me as an extension of himself.
Try the books they can really help.
Boy do I have a book for you:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Can I recommend this?
Check out this book my dude. Mark Manson speaks pretty well to most people, I think.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
something something The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Check out this book see if it has value for you.
The Subtle Art Of Not Giving a Fuck.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
I highly recommend this book:
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F---: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living A Good Life.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
also, check this book out. makes some pretty smart statements about motivation: https://smile.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511966670&sr=8-1&keywords=not+giving+a+fck+mark+manson
> Do you have any recommendations on motivation and feelings of accomplishment? Nowdays I have zero motivation to do anything and I don't get any feeling of accomplishment or joy from accomplishing what I had thought were my goals.
> I got the same feeling from getting a promotion as I did when I just slept and stayed in bed all day.
This may be a case of every problem looking like a nail when you've got a hammer, but it sounds like philosophy could be beneficial. Motivation is something that I've always struggled with, and there's no effective way that I've found to really manipulate it. What did work is really thinking about what I want out of life, what my goals really are, and what I value. After I figured that out (on going process), motivation was a lot easier becasue I had a clear target and knew what I wanted to do.
I didn't get any joy from practising the guitar because it wasn't what I really cared about. But when I know what I'm doing is getting me closer to what I really want in life, then the sense of accomplishment comes easily. If you're not getting a sense of accomplishment from getting a promotion, then that's likely becasue you don't think that that gets you closer to living the life you want.
Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us could be a good starting point, and then I'd follow it up with The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck for an easy introduction to stoic philosophy.
EDIT: Stoic philosophy is what helped me, but that doesn't mean it'll do the same for you. I did a fair bit of reading on other subjects before finding something that worked. That's why it's important to just put the time in; it's the only way you'll find what works for you.
I think the guy in the blue shirt holding the orange book is reading "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck". And if that's correct then I think this post is even funnier.
Not 100% sure but I'm currently reading it and the orange cover with black text makes me think it is. https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Oh yea, those are also great recommendations.
By the way Mark just released a new book that's pretty fucking awesome. I haven't finished it yet but so far it is basically a compilation of all of his ideas.
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483378133&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson
Also, Books.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a $#%& https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713#aw-udpv3-customer-reviews_feature_div
The Power Of Now
Honestly, it comes with wisdom. If you're having a hard time just "not getting it", check out The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson. It helped me.
I thought the same thing a few years ago. It's all in your mentality. Being able to NGAF of what others think of your and live your life instead of being/feeling miserable because you're stuck in fear of what others may think/judge you for. Here’s a good book you may want to read. It's helped me out!
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
A therapist is going to be able to help you with this way more than anyone here (especially since apparently half the people here are suicidal). They're specifically trained for this kind of thing and can give you techniques, behaviors, medications etc. that are tailored just for your situation.
That said it sounds like your problem is concentrating on negative things. There are a lot of options to help with that. Mindfulness helps a lot and can be worked on with meditation. Keeping your life in general good order is another important step (exercise, sleep, nutrition, being social, keeping an active mind). After that I think the important thing is to identify what you really care about (your values) and stay busy working towards them. It's hard to be so negative when you're in the moment and things are going well in your life.
There are tons of books that can help too. Here's a fairly simple one that I enjoyed. Otherwise I'd recommend books on ACT therapy (e.g. "The Happiness Trap"), Stoicism (this one is good), Meditation ("Mindfulness in Plain English" is good and free), and CBT therapy (I like this one, though it's kinda long). "The Happiness Hypothesis" is another good overview type book.
Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. Then stop giving a fuck. Stop faking anything. Everything you wrote sounds like you are constantly adapting your words and actions based on what you think other people will react best to, but that only makes you seem fake. I admit, it's a vicious cycle, a negative feedback loop.
Be genuine. Learn to love yourself. But that's not just a switch you can flip, you have to become a loveable person, and you will naturally fall in love with yourself. Be genuinely interested in people: just listen to them. Stop thinking about what you will get out of the conversation, be selfless.
Another note: There's an opposite positive feedback loop that you want to start rolling. Think about it this way: Exercise makes you look better. Exercise makes you feel better. Exercise improves your mood. When your mood is improved, you are more interesting to other people. When you look better, you have more self-confidence. When you have more self-confidence, it comes off attractively to others. You don't crave their attention anymore. When you have more self-confidence, you feel better. When you feel better, you are more motivated to exercise and go to social events. When you go to more social events, it improves your mood. And on and on and on: they all build on each other. You have to jump start the process, force yourself to do one of these things and the others will follow.
Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/
I suggest you reading this book.
Who cares what ignorant people think? I don't get it. Being pissed off because someone doesn't understand what you're doing is a choice you make. Instead you could choose to let it go and move on with your life!
There is no shame in what we do here. Take pride in your diet. Don't get upset when someone else doesn't get it. You're doing this for you, not other people. No need to justify it to anyone else. No need to seek anyone else's approval. You know it works and you have made a choice.
Here's another thing you may not realize: other people are going to try to piss you off along your journey too! Some people you thought had your best interests at heart will say things like 'you're losing too much weight' or 'that diet isn't sustainable'. These people are jealous of your success and want some company for their misery. Are you going to let that piss you off too? You let a fast food server get to you; what's it going to be like when someone you care about says something ignorant?
Train yourself now to own your diet and own your emotions and stay in control of both and choose to not let insignificant bullshit bother you. If you can't confidently look a fast food worker in the eye and say, "Yes, I'm on a low carb diet" you need some help with your mentality. Maybe start with this book https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
This book helped me A LOT with handling those kind of people. Highly recommend it.
There is an excellent book called The Willpower Instinct. It's a very scientific treatment of where our self control comes from, but it's blended quite well with personal experiences from people who took the course from the author. There are certain things you can do to improve your capacity for good decision making. The simplest ones to me were meditation and getting into nature for maybe ten minutes or so. You should really check it out.
Here is her book The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works. You can also try it out on the cough ThePirateBay cough first.
She also has several other videos on Youtube. If you find this one a bit long, check out this 25 mins interview with her here Kelly McGonigal: The Willpower Instinct. Best of luck!
Two things come to mind that might make it more likely for someone to cheat:
I think the solution would be to remember that giving in to temptations usually doesn't bring happiness in the long run, and that it's actually the brain "tricking" the person into looking for new mates as an automatic evolutionary reaction of sorts.
A habit tracker like Habitbull so you can feel some pride looking at a streak of good behavior in the calendar (I literally put "don't eat garbage" as one of my habits). In general you can find a lot of stuff on habit hacks online; there appear to be several subreddits like this one, though I can't vouch for them: https://www.reddit.com/r/habitdesign/
I can however vouch for this book, which has real science and lots of practical tips:
https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080
Interesting note about not tying NoFap to other self improvement goals. I've found the same thing. You fail at one, you figure, "What the hell", and let yourself slide in the others. But... the opposite can also be true. You succeed at one, and you reward yourself with some slack in the others, and the slide starts. Your brain will seek ANY rationalization to give in. Kelly McGonnigal talks about both kinds of relapse in THE WILLPOWER INSTINCT. Good book.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583335080
If you read the Willpower Instinct you'll understand why this behavior is so difficult to stop and develop techniques to help.
In the immediate I would suggest "precommitment" have someone you trust reset your Facebook password and have them log you in every time.
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By saying "It's one of the best self-help books out there" you lost me, for you can't have read them all. Neither should you promise anything to gain the confidence of strangers -if you don't rely on it- nor should you hail science as ultimate truth.
Please do not consider this to be bashing, for I'm very grateful for this recommendation.
Amazon:The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It
For example, readers will learn:
Well I'm no expert, I mean I still have trouble with my game-playing and my nail-tearing and my distractions (typing this at work, the irony), so by all means do what works for you :). Distancing yourself from the game (by vowing not to play today, by uninstalling it, by unsubbing from /r/factorio, etc) is a totally fine strategy. To me though, the end goal is only indirectly to limit how many games I play; it's more about feeling control over how I play, so I can choose whether I play for 4 hours, or 30 minutes, or not at all, based on whatever else is going on in my life. That way if I hit some stressful or unhappy times or something I'm not gonna cave and fall back into bad habits.
The Willpower Instinct is a fantastic book on habit-breaking in general; I'd recommend taking a read!
check this book out it's got some good stuff in it too. The will power instinct Try the 10min rule force yourself to stay up for 10mins after your alarm goes off if you still want to go back to bed you can just have to wait ten minutes. (bit hit an miss at first but it takes practice)
https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080
This book has a great 8 week program. Even if you don't do the program, it can help to do the reading. I actually would recommend getting it from the library-- that way you have motivation to read it before it needs to be returned.
It just so happens that one of my favorite mental health books is on this very topic. It is highly rated, widely acclaimed and is actually a pretty fun/easy read: The Willpower Instinct
Well, I don't know much about Peter Lynch books, but how about one on Willpower? I'd recommend this read for 90% of the sub, for when the temptation to panic sell hits.
I am an adult who was diagnosed with ADD in the 80s. I took Ritalin for about 3 years and then stopped in Highschool.
I took Aderall again as an adult for about a year but stopped because it helped me focus but could not direct my will power towards specific tasks.
I am deep into this book on the science of will power and am really fascinated by how my impulse control functions. Highly recommended and written for lay people.
https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080
$12 on Amazon. It might be at your local library too. https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080
Thanks for your words. I will remark though that I think I might have given you the wrong impression of what I meant by that. I know that in fitness you shouldn't overwork yourself, that will only lead to harm. But when you are new to fitness you will feel "bad" some days, by that I mean is that you will think "This is impossible. I'd rather stay home and watch TV. I will never make it.". On these days you still have to do it. A good way to keep at it is to know that although you might not feel like doing it right now, you will feel better about it in the long run. This mentality of thinking of your future self when you feel apathetic is supported by research, I think
I apply the same principle in meditation. Even if I have a couple of good days I'm not gonna quit.
Kalau meditasi yg gw lakukan sih bukan ngontrol nafasnya tapi bernafas seperti biasa saja tapi diperhatikan (konsentrasi attention ke) nafasnya itu (biar membantu secara mentally sebut inhale, exhale, inhale, dst). Terus kalau otak udah mulai kena distracted, jangan merasa udah gagal meditasinya, take note aja kalo kena distracted terus bawa konsentrasinya balik ke pernafasan.
Tujuannya meditasi ini untuk meningkatkan/menguatkan will power (resource kita untuk mengontrol banyak hal termasuk emosi) kita. Karena seperti otot, will power ternyata bisa diperkuat/ditingkatkan kapasitasnya. Kedengaran seperti cocoklogi sih, tapi meditasi ada scientifical backingnya. Kalau sempat coba baca buku ini, lumayan pendek bukunya tapi berguna (setidaknya bagi gw yah)
I recommend reading (or listening to) the whole thing and taking notes at the end of every chapter. There is a summary at the end of each one. There are simple and effective willpower challenges as you go along. It probably took me 3 months to read and complete most of the challenges. At some point I felt strong enough to jump back into Keto and I haven't looked back. I still listen to the book when im cleaning sometimes. :) http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583335080
I wanted to add on to the already helpful comments bro that motivation is short term most of the time. Become disciplined and you will not need motivation ever again.
Here is a book that helped me quite a bit. I highly recommend it if you're willing to read.
http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1425450322&sr=8-1&keywords=the+willpower+instinct
Here is the mobile version of your link
The book is called the willpower instinct, and it's available on [available on Amazon.com] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1583335080/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1583335080&linkCode=as2&tag=urgez-20&linkId=76O6T7ESPPS7VRVY) :)
Hey maybe this is a bit late to comment on, but I'm currently reading a book called The Willpower Instinct, since I'm also interested in willpower and ADHD. My current hypothesis/understanding is that willpower is possible with ADHD, but it's hard. It's easier with medication, but in my experience, you also have to be proactive, and practice willpower with medication.
Eventually (hopefully), this will slowly change the brain so that the new, good habits you implement won't require so much willpower anymore. Exercise, getting good sleep, eating right, and all that other healthy stuff helps too- and in my experience, mindfulness meditation is huge. Meditation helps me to pause a bit more before making decisions than I would normally, where I would just act automatically- or in other words, actually allows me to make a decision, and not just act on instinct haha.
Here's a good book on the subject: https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living
You should also read The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris. It talks a lot about what makes people unhappy and depressed to begin with.
This is the central idea in Acceptance and Commitment therapy. https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465829075&sr=8-1&keywords=the+happiness+trap
I've got decent mileage out of https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841 though not sure if that's what you are looking for.
Oh. Sorry about that. My own opinion is that negative thoughts can't really be banished effectively. My opinion is that instead one should give them room, breathe, remind oneself that the negative thoughts aren't helpful and let them leave of their own accord. To each their own. I got these opinions from reading The Happiness Trap.
I really really wish I could cut down everything I've learned over the past year into a neat and tidy reddit post but there's just so much that I can't. I've thought about starting a blog for awhile now to write down all the techniques I've learned and if I do I'll PM you about it.
But for the meantime, I suggest looking into mindfulness meditation, self-regulation therapy, and a book called The Happiness Trap which teaches Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
I think the Happiness Trap may be the most interesting to you as it gives you techniques and exercises on what to say to yourself or what to do when you start ruminating or feeling self-doubt creep up. I highly recommend it. If you're able to combine that book with going to a therapist you'll be well on your way to kicking ass.
I recommend reading the book The Happiness Trap if you feel this way.
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
I agree with other commentators, this may be (in my non-medical opinion) mild to moderate depression. (Again, this is just an idea, diagnosing people over the internet with little information is not entirely ethical). I would like to suggest to other posters that depressive disorders are somewhat diverse.
Depending on your personal and financial situation, I cannot recommend seeing a psychologist enough, as I have been in this same situation. Whether you come from a background of hard science or spirituality, I would urge folks to see therapists/psychologists as a teacher that can help you understand what what is real, and how to have a good relationship with your thoughts/feelings.
I would like to suggest a few books that I have found to be personally helpful in this regard:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), very good read which outlines how your mind, Buddhists might call it the ego, creates a fake reality in a depressed state, and methods to counteract it:
Burns, David Feeling Good
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a different but similar approach to dealing with challenging thoughts/feelings, borrows a lot from Buddhism. Main idea is to be aware of thoughts and feelings as occurring, and not good or bad (and not "you"). To accept thoughts and feelings, not as reality but just as thoughts or feelings, and to take action towards something you value:
Harris, Russ The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living
If you're on a little, or big, Buddhist kick, I'd recommend the writings of Zen Master Seung Sahn. This particular book takes his bright and connectable style, and examines a variety of Buddhist traditions to see how they alleviate dukkha/suffering/stress/etc. in different ways:
Seung Sahn The Compass of Zen
Please do check out these books and post questions if you have them. If you are interested in finding a psychologist, and it is something that takes personal buy-in, I would suggest taking a look at Psychology Today or on your insurance company's website, if you're American.
Have a great night! =D
(Edit: I didn't read the whole post and didn't know you weren't looking for self help books. Maybe these will change your mind though.)
Here are two fantastic books that can help you deal with depression and the fickle human mind. One focuses on mindfulness and the other focuses on reason. Enjoy!
The Happiness Trap (mindfulness)
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1541600072&sr=8-1&keywords=the+happiness+trap
A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy (reason)
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1541600123&sr=8-1&keywords=a+guide+to+the+good+life
I hope these help, I can answer any questions you have about them as well.
Hi there! Do you recommend the illustrated version or the text one?
One option is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris: https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
This book takes the ACT perspective, which is trying to incorporate Buddhist teachings and western evidence-based treatment. It’s a pretty straightforward and helpful read.
Good looking. Idk if this book is also available on what you just mentioned but, The Happiness Trap is also another good one to look into.
This ties a lot to ACT: or acceptance and commitment therapy. There have been studies that show that fighting negative feeling intensifies then.
I’d recommend to read this book that talks all about it: The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT
A quote from the book: The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.-Russ Harris
That sounds like a really lovely and interesting book! I will put it on my "to read" list.
At the moment I have on the list:
The Happiness Trap - haven't started this yet though
Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child - started this but just pissed me off because it made me realise my husband is a permissive parent and I wish he weren't.
Brain Rules - haven't started this but has a lot of science backing it up.
Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life - this book was used by my counsellor, it has some great activities on ACT/Mindfulness.
I am spending way too much time binge watching shows in my uni holidays - I ought to get reading!
Why do you think you are supposed to be happy? Honest question. Do you believe that happiness is the default state of being for a healthy human being?
This book helped me understand my mind a bit better along with tripping quite a bit. https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
Edit: I would caution you against tripping without an experienced sitter given your history of suicidal thinking. It can be an amazing tool but can also put you in a state where you rationalize harming yourself for real. I'd also suggest you look into legal ketamine therapy is there is any way you can afford it. It would be lower risk and might benefit acute symptoms more effectively.
That aside, the book might provide some insight to allow you to at least reframe some of what you have going on. Anyway it did for me and was a standout aid on my continual road to better mental health.
I found Jordan Peterson's future authoring program helpful. It's nothing too complicated. It just helps you make a vision for what you want your future to be like and set about 8 specific goals for the next few years. It's $15 to use online which I think is a little more than its worth, but overall I think it's worth it. It will probably take about a few weeks to complete, but I think it's time well spent.
https://www.selfauthoring.com/future-authoring.html
Jordan Peterson is a psychologist that posts a lot of lectures and interviews on youtube. A lot of No Fappers find his perspective helpful. Here's his channels if you're interested.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCodkb-qBktJI5NrUsPYpf7g
https://www.youtube.com/user/JordanPetersonVideos
Learning Acceptance and Commitment Therapy was helpful for me too. There are lots of therapists that use this method, but the book I read was, "The Happiness Trap" by Dr. Russ Harris.
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
It's a pretty simplified approach, that teaches you the thinking patterns and habits that allow you to live more in the present and future oriented towards action in the direction of your values, rather than stuck in habits of escapism and avoidance whenever you feel uncomfortable from things like boredom and loneliness.
I also think is very helpful to set habits that put your daily life into a healthy rhythm and balance. Simple things like waking up early and going on a walk in the sunrise can make a big difference. Circadian rhythm plays a huge role in balancing hormone and neurotransmitters, so the more time you can spend outside in the brightness of the day the better especially in the morning.
Making sure you have regular positive social activity is extremely important for satisfying the brain's need for oxytocin. If you don't get it through healthy social experiences, the brain can sometimes come up with some dysfunctional ways of obtaining oxytocin release like preoccupation with porn and fantasy. So whatever you can do to make your life social. Do it. It's really not optional for humans.
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
https://smile.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
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I've been thinking of getting this book, maybe you could beat me to it. I also don't have hardly any friends though... it's hard. I do live in Utah, but not for too long hopefully.
Ooh I have good advice. This book, The Happiness Trap, was recommended to me by a therapist friend. It uses ACT and basically teaches you how to distance yourself from your thoughts.
So instead of telling yourself, “I’m so stupid”, it will be “I’m having the thought that I’m so stupid.” It sounds simple but it helps.
There are plenty of other methods for distancing your thoughts: turning them into a silly song, personifying the thoughts (oh there goes Dave again telling me I’m stupid), etc.
The book has some fluff in it that can be annoying, but once you find a method that works for you, it’s not that hard to start training your thoughts that way.
Bottom line: a thought it just a thought and you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) take every thought as the truth.
Hey emyouth,
I'm so sorry for your loss, it must have been so very hard on you.
> How do I start seizing opportunities so I don't look back on my life with bitterness and regret?
So one path that I think could really work for you is called ACT. The principle is that a lot of the problems we experience come from fighting against ever feeling painful thoughts and memories causing behavioural avoidance. Things like withdrawing, staying in bed, eating etc. can be tactics to avoid pain.
The solution is counter-intuitive - its to become willing to feel pain so you no longer need avoidance and can start living a full life again. This book is full of exercises, its hard work but mind-blowing:
https://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind-Into-Life/dp/1572244259
This one is a bit easier going:
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
> I've gained about 40-50 pounds
I've been there, and this might sound odd to say, but it presents a great opportunity. It might not seem like something in your control, but it is. Lifestyle changes are great things to play with and simply any form of change can start making things look brighter.
So I know diet evangelism is pretty annoying... so apologies... but I suggest taking a look at r/keto. Look at how many amazing success stories there and how supportive the community is. One theme you will see is how easy people are finding it. You might find another way of eating that attracts you more.
Eating keto can be a hard step to take, but after a couple of days you adapt and it feels like its cheating because its so easy - you become free of junk cravings so it doesn't need willpower once over the initial hump. One reason I suggest keto is that when you start, you get a big drop in water weight. This doesn't mean much from a fat-loss perspective but it is HUGE to the spirit. You get a massive scale shift and look visually different almost immediately which really helps kick-start that positive spiral.
As you continue to see the scale go down and start to see visual changes, you begin fuelling a positive spiral that will grow your self-worth. What is fantastic is that its so measurable. Even if you can't see visual changes immediately you can see the scale go down. You can start going to bed a winner and waking up with the promise of some good news on the scale.
You probably know that exercise has a dramatic effect on well-being and will also fuel that positive spiral. But its also hard to start so suggesting can be unhelpful. The good news is that I often see that once people have started feeling the energy improvement from dropping a few pounds, exercise starts getting attractive again, and once you add that BOOM, you are now stoking a fire that helps you live the life you want.
Best of luck!
I think this book might help in addition to your training: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
16.) Alternative Medicine (speak to a dr!!
There are a few alternative medicine options out there for depression and are currently being studied as cures for depression.
I am not a doctor and I cannot give medical advice. Please speak to a doctor or professional before considering any of these options
A lot of these can’t be mixed with medication because it can cause serious harm and make things worse. You can get serotonin depletion and all that. I am not trying to scare you all but I want people to be safe. Please talk to doctors and and research
St Johns Wart
st johns wart is natural and there is a lot of conflicting info online about a proper dosage. A word of caution talk to a medical professional about the dosage. I found a dosage after extensive research online that I thought would be good. and after speaking to a dr it was way too much. The issue that came about was the dose I was taking gave me heart palpitations. Pretty much your heart skips a beat or something. What it feels like? mini heart attacks when I was sleeping. Scared the sht out of me. So talk to a doctor. Also get a good quality brand.
I did take this for a bit and did see a good increase in mood but I did stop. It does increase anxiety a bit too which was too much for me. and you can’t mix with alcohol and I believe you can’t mix with caffeine.
5-htp
From what I read it can also help and people usually move on to this after trying st johns wart and not getting a result. I didn’t move on to this, and forget most of the research. But do your own research and talk to a doctor.
Magic Mushrooms
psilocybin mushrooms is being studied a bit for treatment of depression and may be an option. for you. it was a conflict whether or not to include it or not because it is illegal and looked down upon by most. but it did help me greatly. actually pretty much cured my depression even though i still have anxiety. so leaving this out would be just as bad in my eyes. again I can’t recommend and will not give advice. but do your research.
erowid ( not a typo) is a good place to get some research but don’t believe everything you read, and approach with caution. there is a great amt. of people on there who try and push the limits which is not good. just cus someone else did it doesn’t mean you should.
not all shrooms are the same and each dose will be different from the last. some strains are much stronger than others. and just cus 1gram is good does mean 2grams is twice as strong. it doesn’t work like that and gets strong and intense quick. And if abused can be dangerous. I have had friends take too much and go to a psych ward. There is no rush take your time and go slow. To avoid getting hurt. Theres a great deal of info online and people you can talk to with advice. do tons of research. start small. its not a game and each trip is a learning experience, even bad ones. Ive had bad ones. Just please be safe!
16.) additional resources
Theres are tons of resources out there forums hotlines and the such doctors that kind help. Do your own research and sees what helps you. The point of this lengthy post is so that you don’t have to do all the searching and sifting through the noise like I did. So that maybe you can spend less time searching for a solution and focus on working on overcoming this battle. Now I do want to note that what works for me may not work for everyone. That everyones situation in itself is different and unique. That medications may work for some and not others. I don’t dismiss and look down upon on anything that may help someone overcome depression.
If you do choose meds or alternative meds start small and work your way up to to the dose. don’t just dive into the deep end. and when you start to feel better slowly work you way down decreasing the dose and not just go cold turkey.
Suicide Hotline —> 1-800-273-8255
offers confidential help for free
School counselors
Also I would like to list a book that has helped put things into perspective greatly and I think many people suffering any time of depression and anxiety can benefit from.
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
I do recommend reading through it slowly and work through the exercises as you go. I rushed through it and didn’t get to get the most out of it so I’m reading it again (:
Disclaimer** i do not receive any compensation for the book or referring the book
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Do I still feel depressed at times?
Yes. It is now more infrequent and less intense than before but it does still happen. To describe it... its just one of the days where you wake up and are just like "ugh" about everything. Idk if that makes sense. But what has happened is that the depression has been replaced with more anxiety. Like yesterday I just woke up and had bad anxiety all day. Idk why either. Nothing bad or stressful is occurring in my life at this time and I just have to realize it happens and Ill fully heal over time.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Why didn't you ever try prescription meds?
I never went to speak with a dr, because I was afraid they'd just shove pills down my throat. ( I want to clarify that theres nothing wrong with medication, it does to wonders for some people but thats not the route I wanted to go). And that it is covering the problem rather than fixing it. At a young age, 12 i think, I remember have a school lunch monitor who was always super nice and friendly but at times she was very airy for a lack of a better word. One day I spoke with my mom and she basically told me she was on medication. I believe antidepressants if Im not mistaken. A lot of kids and adults talked about her at the school. So I never wanted to be that guy. There is also the bad things Ive heard that stuck out in my mind that you have a couple people snapping off of antidepressants in the pas tthat scared me, and then I had a cousin who I was not so close with going through through depression, which I found out at a funeral. But what turned me off was that he carried around all these pills and he was taking so much of them and thats literally all he can talk about was his pills.
Which is not a big deal. I understand now that he didn't have a very supportive immediate family, he wasn't working, didn't have any hobbies, and all he really knew was the pills so that was his way of talking. In a different light I think its similar to the guy who always works and when you meet up with him to catch up, work is all he talks about, because thats all he's around all the time. Finally, theres the whole business aspect of me where I know big pharma are ultimately companies and need to make money and don't care about the lil guy scenario.
If you’re up for it, take a look at The Happiness Trap. The majority of the book talks about the phenomenon you are describing. It basically says that we all experience happiness in the present moment, and over time we try to capture it and hold on to it and never let it go. And that is the “trap.”
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
I’ve found most of this book helpful. Maybe you will too. 😊
Good luck!
I took for granted Burn's writing style. I've been reading The Happiness Trap recently... I would recommend the book as the material is very helpful. However, that recommendation comes with the caveat that the writer's style isn't for everyone. It comes off as patronizing for the first 2 chapters at least. After that it does get better.
But chasing it and expecting is to be a constant state of being is making you unhappy, because it's a fleeting emotion. Only way to be in a constant state of bliss/happiness is through drug use.
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841 recommend read
Hello 90-dayers!
I think this is a great initiative. I was previously at /r/BTFC, which I found extremely useful to get focused on goals. As there will be many changes for me in the next months (taking a leave of absence), good to have a place, community to track my progress and focus on my goals. This is my first 90 day challenge, so I'm somewhat lost on procedure, I'll wing it!
++++ Stats ++++
++++ GOALS FOR FITNESS & DIET ++++
Diet: Clean eating. Quit sugary snacks. I eat more or less cleanly, except for chocolates on sugars. By October 22, I am extremely proud that I've eaten sugar free on 80 of the 90 days.
Fitness - Sprint 1: July 15 - August 13: I am feeling strong as I'm on Week 7 of Yayog 1st class. Also, I feel the burn from doing Enter The Kettlebell 3 days a week.
Fitness - Sprint 2: August 19 - September 17: I am walking tall and confident as I've finished 1st class. To celebrate, I ran my own sprint triathlon on rest week.
Fitness - Sprint 3: September 23 - October 22: I am strong and generous as I'm in the next 10-week program, week5. I can complete a Turkish Get Up with my 16kg Kettlebell. And do a pistol on either leg without it.
I have no goals on dropping weight, as long as it remains around current level or lower. But I'll be tremendously pleased if body fat goes down to 20%.
++++ GOALS FOR SPIRITUAL CARE ++++
In the last six months, I've become aware of a lot of
crapheritage I carry on my shoulders from growing in a narcissistic family. I need to do a lot of cleanup as I choose to (1) have a good life, (2) stop the cycle of narcissism so I don't become narcissistic myself and (3) build an alternative mindset for me and my family. The narcissistic circle finishes with me.++++ GOALS FOR PROVIDER ++++
By Oct 22nd, I'm confident on my future as I've built a local network of work contacts of 50 people, and identified 10 new positions I'm going to apply to for my next position.
++++ OTHER ++++
I need to clean up a lot of my psychological heritage, as it's negatively affecting my relationships and life in general.
I start a leave of absence this summer, to recharge batteries and reconsider next career moves.
I will travel to my country for one month with my kids (source of fun and stress), which will allow me to better understand where I come from and how is my family working.
++++ Let's Be Friends ++++
I'm on Fitocracy. I invite you to friend/follow me/message me!
Also, if anyone else on Europe time, support PMs & checks are an option. PM to discuss (never done this one before, seems like a good idea).
Good luck, everyone! We can do this!
There's a great book by David D Burns called Feeling Good. Check it out. You can do your own CBT, but I think having a coach (AKA therapist) is worthwhile too, especially when you're getting started.
Another one I can recommend, using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.
Whereas CBT is about monitoring your thinking and weeding out unhelpful thought habits, ACT argues that this can be pretty damn mentally exhausting, and that another approach is to notice those thoughts, and just let them pass through your head without feeling the need to accept them OR weed them out. It's still about being aware of what you're thinking and the resulting emotional responses, but more "give zero fucks" approach, which might work better if you're already at the bottom of a mental hole.
Trick training is amazing to wear out your dog's brain and you can make major progress in as little as two 10 minute sessions a day. Check out Kyra Sundance's books:
101 Dog Tricks
10 Minute Dog Training Games
101 Ways to do More With Your Dog
Kyra runs the Do More With Your Dog website which is an easy way to earn titles with your dog by doing tricks. At the lower levels anyone can sign off as witness to your dog's tricks to earn the titles so you don't have to be in a class or anything (though classes are fun and the DMWYD website has resources to find local trainers)
You can also check out brain engaging toys such as these (NOTE these toys should be used with supervision so your dog doesn't eat the toy!)
-Ethical Pet Seek-A-Treat Shuffle Bone Dog Puzzle
-Ethical Pet Seek-A-Treat Flip 'N Flap Dog Puzzle
-Nina Ottosson Plastic Dog Brick Interactive Interactive Doy Toy Puzzle for Dogs, Plastic
-Nina Ottosson Dog Casino Interactive Doy Toy Puzzle for Dogs, Wood
Really any toy by Nina Ottosson is a good choice.
Enrichment can also be as easy as not feeding your dog out of a bowl. Try these (can be used with less direct supervision)
-Nina Ottosson Dog Treat Maze
-Kong Wobbler
And my dogs have constant access to these chewies (i leave these in their crates as well as long as they don't chew them down small enough to be choking risks).
-Nylabone
-Busy Buddy Treat Holding Bone
-Busy Buddy Jack
-Refills for the above Busy Buddy bones
-Busy Buddy for extreme chewers
This book really helped me out. Almost two years ago, I got my first dog ever - a 9 week old Border Collie. Anyway, among other books (breed-specific, etc.), this one REALLY helped me with teaching tricks and commands:
http://www.amazon.com/101-Dog-Tricks-Activities-Challenge/dp/1592533256/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396983327&sr=8-1&keywords=101+dog+tricks
this might give you some ideas
My dog knows a variety of functional commands. They are really helpful! The ones that are especially good are below. (She is a border collie, so she learns quickly and can apply old words to new similar situations. Like she understands that 'kennel' can also mean 'go under the table' if that is where I point. Ymmv.)
Ones that are helpful:
Kennel: go in the kennel/hole
Bed: go into your bed.
Wait: we will let you out soon, do not push past me to the door, hang out where you are, we are coming. It is less strict than 'stay' (don't move a muscle).
Off: get off something, such as a bed or person. Different than 'down' as that is the lay down position. So I can have her on a bed and tell her down so she lies down on the bed, or off, so she gets off the bed.
Leave it: don't pick that up/mess with it. It is good for not her toy items and the cats!
We also have done bells on the door knob for out and in. Better than barking! We took them down though because she loves to go in and out all day and it was getting on my nerves! She also knows 'it's a fried, say hello' for strange dogs because she is a bit shy, and that might help with meeting baby, especially when baby cries. My cousin with twins taught her dog 'baby toy' to help him navigate baby plush and rubber squeak toys from his! I think we'll add that for our dog since she loves to take the cat toys!
I just trained her by being consistent with the word, often a sign, and the context to get her to do it. I used happy voice and some pets to reward her, she was never really into treats. This book provided great training guidance: 101 Dog Tricks: Step by Step Activities to Engage, Challenge, and Bond with Your Dog https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592533256/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_m7Qxyb2G15Z05
Have fun!
Props to this book that I got for my puppy. While I was never going to teach her to jump over me while doing a handstand with splits, it is the best dog training book I have read.
Every command is paired with an action so you can use either sound or visual to communicate with puppy. I also loved that the harder tricks were broken down in to simpler tricks that you had to master first. Seriously, excellent book...plus cute cheerleader girl.
Basically, never feed your dog out of a bowl again. Every meal is an opportunity for mental stimulation!
Use:
Frozen Kongs - these are super easy to prep in advance. I usually have 3-5 in the freezer at any given time.
Puzzle toys like these are good for treats: 1, 2, 3
These are good for kibble: 1, 2, 3
For training, an easy way to get started is to go through the 101 Dog Tricks book. It's 101 tricks/skills to teach them with step by step instructions. Super approachable, and the tricks range from simple stuff like sit and down to more advanced skills like leg weaves. Any of the Do More With Your Dog series is good. I think they have a puppy specific book as well.
If your dog likes learning new tricks or skills you might consider getting into a dog sport like agility or nosework or even obedience. They're fun and challenging for both you and your dog - plus it's a great way to strengthen your relationship in general.
Talking therapies and counselling do not work well for depression - simply talking over your problems can end up reinforcing the mental patterns that created them in the first place. Look into Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) instead - it is a meditation based therapy that has a proven track record of helping with depression such as yours. If you can, find a therapist near you that uses it - group sessions will be much cheaper than one-to-one sessions. It is normally done as an 8-week course.
If you cannot find or afford a therapist then there are several books that will help - here are a couple to that I am familiar with and can recommend:
The Mindful Way Through Depression
Mindfulness: Finding Peace In a Frantic World
If you search Amazon for Mindfulness you will find dozens of others. These books include a CD with the meditations on, so you can do the course on your own - it is not enough to just read the books, you have to do the practices as well.
If you are in a deep depression it is advisable to take a course of antidepressants first to get you into a state where you can do the course and stick with it.
Second this,
I've also found this book invaluable. It comes with an 8 week program with mp3 guided meditations.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409838252&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness
I found this book helpful, Mindfulness is meditation but more medical than religious : Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/074995308X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_w2YxzbPJVEJVD
You deserve to call it rape. You are not to blame. When you've been through something distressing it is ok for it to have an impact on you, in fact you can't really stop it from having an impact on you - that's why "just getting over it" isn't an option. You need to be kinder to yourself.
Out of curiosity, why is therapy/counselling not an option for you?
In terms of self-help it depends on the individual but I quite like mindfulness (I know it sounds a bit new-agey, but there is some fairly solid evidence that it can help) - there are some guided mindfulness sessions online, and there is a decent book on it too. Alternatively, there may be workshops/courses for mindfulness/CBT/other forms of therapy in your area that you could check out.
First of all, my complements on losing weight, getting stronger, etc., and that only in 5 months. You should be really proud of yourself!
I don't have to tell you but exercising is really important and actually can help when you feel depressed. However, it is really understandable that you don't really feel like it and find it difficult to stay motived. But it is important to keep working out because if you completely stop it will also make it more difficult to start again. The important thing is that you now need to find a middle ground: so don't work till exhaustion but still keep going 2-3 times to the gym. On the days you don't work out, for example, go for a walk/jog. Also, don't worry about feeling constantly exhausted that comes with feeling depressed, and will eventually go away.
Maybe also a good thing is to maybe do a more social oriented sport because working out at the gym or running is still something you do on your own, which leaves you with your own thoughts. Think for example of CrossFit or classes such as Body Pump, spinning. This will force you more to focus on the class, socialise with others and think less about your problems.
What really helps me, maybe your are already doing this is mindfulness. I followed this program for 8 weeks and found it amazing: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X.
A form of Mindfulness combined with exercising is ROM WOD. That is really intense and for sure will take your mind away from your problems. You can do a free trail for a week: https://romwod.com/
Hope this helps!
Actually it was this one: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
If you're not looking to go on medication or get help from a health professional (do really consider this one), take a look at treating your depression with meditation. I used to have crippling anxiety and meditation was transformative. Take a look at Danny Penman's work, he has 8-week programmes you can do at home. What do you have to lose by giving it go?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
Have you tried any courses or books on meditation? I would suggest a couple if you haven't.
First, download the 'Headspace' app for your smartphone, you get a 10 day course for free, which you can repeat again and again; really good intro to mindfulness mediation.
Secondly i'm currently reading/using 'Mindfulness' and this also gives you an excellent intro to the practice along with an 8 week course of meditations, all for less than £10.
What you say makes sense. I just struggle to practically apply that. Just to give you a scenario to explain what I mean:
Let's say you're meditating and the thought pops into your head "Oh I really can't be bothered with work tomorrow", what is the next step? I understand that the aim is to be aware of the thought, without passing judgement. So do you literally say to yourself "That is just the thought, I will return back to the breath" for example? And I also completely understand what you mean with reference to having no control over thoughts, believe me, that bit I get loud and clear haha! I just struggle to understand the distinction between observing thoughts i.e. being mindful and ignoring them. And then I really beat myself up about it all or constantly second guess everything I do in life by thinking things like: "Is this the right way to do it? Am I allowed to do this?" What unnerves me is I know this is so silly as the whole aim of mindfulness isn't to change our experience, but to notice is it as it is. I just really struggle with it and then applying it to daily life. It has become quite distressing, really.
I meditate roughly 10 minutes a day, increasing to 15 minutes this week. I read the following book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453491316&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+a+practical+guide+to+finding+peace+in+a+frantic+world
And I am following this course.
To answer your earlier question: I am tackling my depression on many fronts, I am on anti depressant medication, I exercise 6 times a week and eat well as I am currently bulking up and I see a fantastic therapist every week. Honestly, things are getting better for me in life in general, it's just I'm very much at a crossroads with my meditation practice and I'd thought I'd come here to seek advice before giving up my practice.
I think it was this one, not sure though.
Nope, not quite, but it's by the same author.
This is the one I got:
The other one could be as good or better though, I'd be interested to find out. Maybe read a few pages and check out his sample meditation to see if you like the guy's voice.
book on mindfulness!
has great reviews, a few people seem to be having a rough few months so it might be fun :)
So heres the book I was going to reccomend. It's an oldy, but the ideas within have guided psychotherapy for quite a while. It's not the easiest read and the author is a touch full of himself but the ideas are sound and because its so old you can buy it for a song (or find the pdf online)
Din domeniul ăsta, vezi A Guide to Rational Living. Mi-a plăcut că folosește exemple concrete pentru a sublinia mai bine ideile prezentate.
That's a really bad idea to just avoid every little thing that gives you anxiety. This will only make things worse. If its really bad you should see a therapist. If it's something you think you can overcome on your own then try reading a book about some kind of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This book can be of excellent help: http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429
I've heard good things about CBT and two books: rational living and feeling good
Good luck to you!
you would probably be feeling worse if you weren't exercising. it's a big positive in your life. taking care of yourself shows healthy self respect
but you have to put work and discipline into improving your mental health just as you do your physical. learn and start exercising better ways of thinking.
i recommend this book
Hey, sorry I took a while getting back to you. I haven't been on reddit for a while.
It's hard to recommend a single book because Ellis wrote on such a broad range of issues, from dealing with anger, sexual shame, anxiety, depression, relationships, procrastination etc etc.
Probably the best all-rounder book from Ellis is:
A Guide to Rational Living, which can be picked up pretty cheap second hand, and covers:
>1. Overcoming the influences of your past
>2. Refusing to be desperately unhappy
>3. Tackling dire needs for approval
>4. Eradicating dire fears of failure
>5. How to feel undepressed though frustrated
>6. Conquering anxiety
>7. Acquiring self-discipline
amongst other things.
CBT has probably developed techniques and protocols for dealing with eating disorders, so I would highly recommend trying to talk to a school counsellor or check out a local library about that, but for having a mental toolset that will help you with anything, I haven't come across anything better than REBT.
The Myth of Self Esteem and How to Control your Anxiety before It controls you might also be of use.
Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Behaviors: New Directions for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and Overcoming resistance: a rational emotive behavior therapy integrated approach are two of the most recent books from Ellis, though they are more expensive so I'd recommend starting with A Guide to Rational Living, and if it seems worthwhile to you then perhaps the newer books will have some extra insight for you.
There also seems to be a book on REBT specifically about eating disorders called The Art & Science of Rational Eating though I have not read it so I can't speak to its quality. Regardless of the ad-speak on the cover it claims to have specific focus on Bulimia and Anorexia so it may be worth checking out amongst others, but will likely not give you as full a overview of REBT as some of the other books I've mentioned.
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429
I've never been on meds, so I can't say whether they are always good or bad, but I've heard they work for some people and don't work for others and that might be something you should consult with your psychiatrist about.
>s cannibis because I cannot smoke it at my house for my family is against it
Be wary about pot, if you have psychotic symptoms. My girlfriend's dad is a social worker who has dealt with tons of cases of marijuana-caused psychosis. That is partly where my psychosis comes from. Some people think that pot is a harmless drug, but it can have really negative side-effects for people with predispositions towards psychosis.
> it didn't release shit.
Yes! I really disagree with the idea that emotions get "bottled up" and need to be released. In my view, our beliefs and thoughts are generators of our emotions, and if you have beliefs which generate anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. then you will continue to feel those feelings consistently until you deal with the thoughts and beliefs behind them.
I would strongly encourage you reading an old book by the psychologist Albert Ellis: A Guide to Rational Living. It changed my life. He's the grandfather of modern thought-based therapy like CBT.
The basic idea is that our negative emotions come from our irrational thoughts. Psychosis is littered with irrational thoughts like "this MUST be God speaking to me" (when it might not be), or "I MUST be enlightened" (when you don't have to be). Even non-psychotic people have lots of irrational thoughts like "I MUST not die" or "I MUST be loved by everyone I meet".
Related;
The Best Self-Help Book of All Time
Excerpt (with an Ellis reference, though there are a few other people mentioned worth tracking down);
> Chris: Have you read anything by Albert Ellis? Check out:
> http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429
>Chris: [re: Epictetus’ Enchiridion] And Epictetus was a big influence on Albert Ellis, one of the founders of cognitive therapy. See here: http://www.politicsofwellbeing.com/2008/06/stoicism-founder-of-cognitive-therapy.html
> Patrick: The best self-help author of all time you ask? Albert Ellis. Not even close. (Arnold Lazarus was a student of Ellis’). You have to be willing to work your ass off but if you are this books can help anyone lead a more fulfilling life.
> Luke Muehlhauser (blog author): Totally agree about Ellis. The science in it is of course dated now, but his were certainly the best available at the time.
Read the link for a few extra people and specific books to examine.
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429
My favorite book by Ellis:
https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=0879800429&qid=1556565519&s=gateway&sr=8-1
Its actually interesting. The happiest marriages are arranged virgin marriages. Reminds me of this book.
Basically humans are happiest when they just have to deal with their situation; having choices and the ability to change your mind makes people really unhappy.
So, if we are talking about pure happiness it would make sense for some matchmaking system to be in place that took into account all the pros/cons (sexual compatibility, life choices, etc) and paired people accordingly. But, if that happens I will worry about the state of the world.
Watch this video the whole way though, and keep in mind that his guy is a Harvard professor of psychology and has devoted his life to studying this subject.
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy
He also has a book:
http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427
Boomerang!
Dan Gilbert has a great book that touches on this - Stumbling on Happiness
Can I recommend this book: stumbling on happiness
It talks about the science/psychology of happiness, and why people usually think the past was better than it was and why you almost always delay pleasure ("tomorrow I will be happy spending all of this money I am saving today").
Stop comparing yourself to "them".
Your self-worth is an internal measure, and you are right that happiness is illusive when you are defining it on external factors you have no control over.
You could use a book.
This one is great: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400077427/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_wTdVBbDJ0TKJF
He has some great Ted talks too.
http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427
I read this book a few years back but it talks about a lot of things like how anticipation of an event can be more exciting / pleasing than the event itself.
>“the scientific study of what goes right in life [and] those things that make life most worth living,”
That is an odd way to define Positive Psychology but I guess it's a fairly accurate summation. Positive Psychology was a reaction to the large amount of attention that has been paid on abnormal psychology- essentially what is "wrong" with people and how to fix it. This leads an absence in what people can do to better themselves beyond the realm of mental illness. How can we improve and enrich our lives, starting from a neutral baseline.
I actually find it very funny that I'm reading an article on religion and positive psychology as I took issue with Martin Seligman's position on religion in his book Authentic Happiness which is the primer for studying this branch of psychology. I don't have anything against having religion in your life (obviously) but I also don't feel like it's necessary. I align more with Daniel Gilbert's approach that you can get the same results when you fill your life with the same things that religion provides you regardless of whether or not you ascribe to any religious practice. A strong passion in something shared by others, closeness with a community, etc are components of religious practice that can enrich your life with or without religion.
All that being said, I do agree that Positive Psychology and Judaism go hand in hand very well together. I would say that as of the last time I really studied positive psych, the research was largely done on Buddhists. I'm very excited to hear about the merger of positive psych and Judaism which is another reason I'm excited to study Mussar.
If you would like to get acquainted with Positive Psychology, I will leave some recommendations below:
As I stated earlier, Authentic Happiness is the primer for learning about this branch. I do take issues with certain elements of the book but I still think it's an incredibly worthwhile read.
I would also recommend to you Stumbling On Happiness as it explores the more scientific approach to the study.
*I would also recommend you start studying it by studying yourself. Martin Seligman is still conducting research to this day. I would recommend taking a look at the Questionnaires section of his website. There's a ton of tests and surveys you can take but I recommend you start off with the Signature Strengths VIA Survey. Note, you do have to make an account but it's worth it. Once you've determined your top 5 character strengths, you can start trying to strengthen those traits and make them more prominent in your life.
No that's not true. It actually does make you feel measurably happier. Read the book Stumbling on Happiness -- https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400077427/
I'm reading A Short History of Nearly Everything now, and loving it! If you like psychological stuff, I would recommend anything by Malcolm Gladwell, and Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert.
I heard about this book from this awesome Ted Talk: Let's talk parenting taboos: Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman.
And here is the link to the book: Stumbling on Happiness by
Daniel Gilbert
If you are looking for something exciting, try a new hobby.
Simply modeled, people have two parts of their brain: the thing they do cause they love it, and the thing they do to make money. The old adage "Find something you love and figure out how to make money at it" just ruins people's love for it, because it moves from the one brain bin to the other. Continue to play poker for the money if you are winning, but try racquetball or something fun for your hobby.
http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427
Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert totally changed the way I view "happiness" and the steps people take to become happy. Parts of it are dry, and hard to get through. But it is absolutely worth the read.
Hey, I'm 29 too and I have a book about the research on happiness that changed my total outlook on happiness. I want to stress that this book is not a "self help" book. When I was an undergrad psych major this book was recommended by an admired faculty of mine. Upon rereading it years later it influenced me to pursue a totally different career field that I was on the fence about (dentistry). One point from the book that I want to mention is that the best way to predict how happy you'll be when deciding, for example, a future career is ask those in the profession how happy they are when they are on the job. So if you google top ten professions dentist is up near the top and if you shadow a dentist you'll realized how fulfilling it can be (don't believe that increased chance of suicide that's very old data and the professions changed). You seem bright and I guess my commit is starting sound like I'm recruiting you to try dental school but I seem to be okay with that so yeah...you should be a dentist I suppose...maybe. I'm still in dental school and I can tell you it is very challenging at times but it is already obvious to me that it is so worth the struggle. ANYWAY the book is great an I could recommend more but this one gives really good insight into the "mechanisms" of happiness. What it is not is a "self help" book and the author describes it as the book you read after the "self help" book to figure out why you're still miserable. I think it will really answer your questions on your lack of felling satisfied with life. The book does tackle some really big questions and it is all based on research. I highly recommend it if you want a no nonsense yet humorously written explanation of how people cope with challenging events in there lives and why people who get what they want are often unsatisfied. Hope this helps and wish you the best friend.
His book [Stumbling on Happiness]
(http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427)
his TED [talk]
(http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy?language=en) is okay but is a little hard to follow.
TL;DR
Book about the research on happiness written by researcher/Harvard professor Daniel Gilbert told me to change careers and did.
This is the one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393
Good luck. Also, for the depression cure, one of the steps he recommends is exercise. Obviously that won't work for us. Everything else he recommended helped me, even CBT. Note that this is NOT the same CBT that was done in the PACE trial.
Also, Myhill's book on Mitochondria really was a game changer for me. It took me almost a year to read it because on some days, I could only read a paragraph at a time. I don't know how much research you've already done, but at the time, I really knew nothing about ME/CFS and the book was a huge help. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Diagnosis-Treatment-Chronic-Fatigue-Syndrome/dp/1781610347
virtual hugs
I would suggest you read Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman, might help.
Definitely get some advice professionally otherwise, this could sabotage your life.
I actually do have a recommendation. The method that worked the best for me in resolving my own anxiety and depression was something called Core Transformation (see the book by Connirae Andreas. (Full disclosure: I work for the author.) I found that practicing this method a few hundred times completely resolved my anxiety, and 90% resolved my depression, which is more than any method I tried previously. It's a very experiential method, not so much cognitive, and aligned with meditation practices. I consider CT to be metta on steroids.
If you prefer a more cognitive method, Feeling Good by David Burns is the classic text. I definitely recommend that one too, as it will give you insight into how you are participating in creating your anxiety and depression by how you think about things. Learned Optimism by Seligman is another good choice for cognitive work.
Regular exercise can also be useful. See Spark for the science of how that works.
Fantastic. Are you familiar with Learned Optimism? That's the approach I'd like us mentors to adopt.
I found that the spoon theory helped me understand myself just as much as it helped me communicate to other people. I had to work on keeping spoons for myself. I want to be so much to so many people, and it killed me every time I found I couldn't. I hated being the type of person that people couldn't rely on. I hated that I would tell someone I would be there for them and couldn't. And I would definitely push myself well beyond my capacity because I refused to be the person my illness was forcing me to be.
It's not sustainable.
I am not qualified to give advice beyond my personal experience, so I don't entirely know the best things to say. Going through a chronic illness for the past 14 years what I have discovered is that happiness is a choice. It doesn't happen to you. It's a skill you have to learn and practice. I read Learned Optimism, and though it was a while ago I remember it helping. A lot of therapeutic work can be done by yourself if you haven't found someone you work well with. Try looking for books written for veterans, they may speak to you better than ones that talk about new age stuff.
Notice that your responses to me have all outlined why it's hopeless. But the fact that you keep responding shows that you do have hope. You are taking action and reaching out and trying. So tell that voice that keep saying it's not worth it to shut the fuck up. Literally. When you catch your mind spiraling down stop yourself and say "shut the fuck up. I decide how I will feel about this." And for every negative thing, force yourself to come up with a positive. Try writing back to me only listing what is good in your life. Even if it's just that you ate a good sandwich, it goes on the list. Practice that list, because you have more than enough practice on the negative list skills. Now is the time to focus on the positive one. Think back to what made you a good marine. What qualities and skills helped you succeed? How can you use those same skills to overcome this new hurdle?
It's not easy, it is worth it.
And if you respond well to the veterans' support, use them. Don't wait, use them now. See if they have any groups in your area, or online, and add more of that positive support in your life. Start building spoons for yourself. And recognize the people in your life who give you spoons back instead of just take.
Last thing: being in your 30's is a plus. I found that in my 20's people didn't get it. Once my peers started getting older and experiencing more of life they became a lot better at understanding what I was going through and had better skills for being supportive.
Nah, I'm currently trying to pick back up this book about positive psychology from months ago!
You can accept reality as it is but still hope for a better future.
On a smaller scale, if some appliance breaks down, you accept that it's broken down but you don't just...leave it be, and ponder the deathly finality of its brokenness and then bend the meaning so backwards that you try to twist that into a positive thing.... you fix it. Or if you can't fix it, you find some way to lessen the inconvenience.
I've also experienced this, but one thing that really helped was learning more about Learned Optimism, which is a book about all this research that's gone into cognition that illustrates ways to think in a way that is rational and true-to-reality but also not self-harming or self-restricting. It's an interesting book. Also, I recommend learning all about CBT.
It's very weird to me that death in general is treated like this thing you shouldn't really fight. If people genuinely believe that, they wouldn't be so devastated at funerals. It's ok to realize that it's a hard fight, but I mean... all of medicine and healthy living is predicated on the fact that fighting death and disease is a core component of our lives.
There's one fable that illustrates this very well. The Fable of the Dragon-Tyrant. I think this in particular very starkly makes the point I'm referencing.
Hi, friend. I hope that my experience can show you and others who might read about it can help you take the optimistic perspective you will need to get through this.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at 18, and I would say I wasn't a fully-functional person until I was about 24. In those six years, I went through multiple therapists and multiple drugs. I'm almost 28 now, and I still take drugs and I still have my psychologist's phone number, though I haven't seen him in person in years.
There were absolutely times when I thought that life would never get better. Like most of the people I've known with depression, I'm smart enough that I'm able to rationalize any feeling that I have. So, when I was feeling depressed and hopeless I was also able to convince myself that being depressed and hopeless was justified based on the objective facts before me. That is, I would feel terrible, and I would justify that feeling by convincing myself it was the only reasonable way to feel, and thus convinced I would feel even worse than before. this is the vicious cycle.
I have been blessed by a loving family, and at my worst I always knew that my death would devastate them; that was my most powerful motivation for staying alive. Also, in spite of the intellectual acrobatics I was performing to try to convince myself that feeling suicidal was rational, I would see everyone else in the world who wasn't depressed and I would understand at some deep level that I didn't really want to acknowledge that they were normal and they were right. And acknowledging that was hurtful, because there is something satisfying in thinking that everyone else is ignorant of the truth of the world but you see things how they really are and that's why you're depressed. If only everyone else was as intelligent/insightful as me, they too would be depressed.
I managed to make it out from under depression through a combination of the right drugs and the right treatment. To my knowledge, the only way to find the right drugs for you is guess-and-check. Which is terrible. It took six years of pain before I finally found a drug combination that worked for me, but I found it eventually.
I think, even more important than the drugs, was the fact that I found a psychologist who practiced cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and understanding depression from that perspective really helped me understand both why I was wrong to be depressed and why I was able to so successfully rationalize that depression.
Let's say I ask a woman out on a date. She says no. How do I react? If I'm an overconfident douche I might think nothing of it; she clearly has terrible taste in men. If I'm actively depressed, I might think it's because I'm a terrible person and she sees that and she sees that I'm not worth her time. It's much more likely that she is just out at the bar with a few friends and she would rather spend time with them than be hit on by a stranger. Or maybe she just got out of a bad relationship and she isn't ready to open herself up to something new.
The point of that hypothetical isn't to say that dating is hard, it's to say that I don't know why I was rejected and so I assign a reason based on biases in my own head. If I'm biased to believe that I'm the best that ever was or will be, then I think she's the problem. If I'm biased to think that I'm a worthless sack of water and hydrocarbons, then I'll think she's rejecting me and judging me unfavorably. I make assumptions that aren't based on facts, and then I selectively gather facts to support those assumptions. The vicious cycle continues.
Working with an expert in CBT and reading its founding text (Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman) helped me to go through my days and literally write down how I felt about certain situations and whether that was a result of baseless assumptions or an objective truth. After talking about it with my psychologist, surprise, surprise, the things I found depressing were based on assumptions. This exercise stripped away the intellectual bulwark I had constructed that justified by depression and it helped me confront the real problem of my assumptions about my milieu. I addressed that, and now I'm one of the more preternaturally optimistic people you'll meet.
It's worth mentioning that I still actively manage my depression. I apply principles of CBT in my everyday life, I exercise 4-6 days a week, I am careful about my diet (too much fat and sugar is bad for my mood), I'm careful about my sleep, I take my pills, and I almost never drink alcohol. I still have depression, but because I take appropriate actions, I'm not depressed. It's not really "fair" that I have to be disciplined about those things in a way that other people don't, but that's much less important than the fact that I need to do that. It's not like I have a "right" to avoid doing the things that are required to let me feel happy, right? I mean, how silly does that sound?
So that's my story. I'm writing this extemporaneously, so I'm not sure if it makes sense, but I'm happy to answer any questions you or anyone else might have about my experience. It might take time, but if you persevere you will make it through.
oh maaaaan you are talking to a member of the royal court of fearing rejection :) I guess the biggest thing I've realized is that rejection is a narrative we superimpose onto the events of our lives...anything can be looked at as a success or a rejection and it has very little to do with what's happening and much more to do with your outlook....now that doesn't mean you can just CHANGE your outlook, but you can be aware of it and work to slowly change it over time? It ain't easy but it ain't fiction either. I'm a pessimist by nature, so most things feel like rejection, but I'm working on changing that - here are a few helpful places to start:
https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/
https://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393
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I learned everything about crowdfunding at Seed & Spark: https://www.seedandspark.com/education. They're amazing people and great friends of mine, definitely holler at them about crowdfunding!
It's a thing.
You matter and you deserve to be happy. This book https://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393 changed my entire outlook. It also provides a lot of incredible insight into how pessimism creates depression and how optimism can ABSOLUTELY be learned and used to get you out of that state.
I totally get the who the fuck is this random dude on r/liverpool reaction. I'm nobody, I'm not a doctor, just a regular guy who has dealt with some shit as well. This book changed me and I hope you give it the chance to do the same for you.
Stay strong
The Brain's Way of Healing
The Brain That Changes Itself
Learned Optimism
Stay on Wellbutrin if it helps. Buy one of Seligman's books: Learned Optimism or Authentic Happiness. Here is his TED talk if you want some background.
This book seems to be much like the other one.
https://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness/dp/1572246952/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=DRNSFGB2CV093H9K3JZ9
I used to get the urge to pray all the time, but I had to tell myself that it wasn't going to help. You can get through it, but other people can certainly help. I am a big advocate of therapy.
Also, meditation. There are may ways to meditate. One book that I love and that helped me through some stuff is Buddha's Brain. If Buddhism isn't your thing, don't worry. It's written by a neuroscientist and neuropsychiatrist, not by Buddhist monks. It explains in simple terms how meditation affects your thoughts and the physical aspects of your brain, and has meditations for you to do if you wish.
Another book that I would recommend is especially helpful if therapy isn't available to you is Mind Over Mood. It's basically a guide for you to do cogntive-behavioral therapy by yourself. Again, very simply explained, examples given, and it has worksheets for you.
So, my advice is meditation instead of prayer and/or CBT. Either way, you will actually be affecting your life rather than hoping something else affects your life in the right way.
Edit: typo
It's learning to put your higher brain in control of the initial emotional responses you feel. You can learn this and improve it over time. (I'm female also and have been learning this quite a bit over the last few years.)
I'd start by reading:
Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom
and My Stroke of Insight ... both of these were quite helpful for me in this.
> If I do relaxations like that everyday could I recondition it to calmness?
While no one can say, "for sure," with respect to "every single person who would try that," we can say, "very likely." Neurons that fire together, wire together and become default mode networks over time as receptor sites at synaptic junctions for "agitation DMNs" "die off" (actually, more like "molecularly de-compose"). One can see that occurring with fMRI and other types of brain scanning. I recollect it being discussed as far back as when this best seller came out and somewhat before.
I 100% agree - meds are only covering up the symptom while the problem still exists. You can solve the problem by re-wiring your brain via therapy or other methods.
Check out a book called Buddha's Brain - http://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness/dp/1572246952 - It's a book written by a neuroscientists and talks about how to literally re-wire your brain so that your natural response to a situation is different and more positive.
This book did wonders for me and I've used its techniques for a few years now. No meds required. =)
The book [Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom] (http://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness/dp/1572246952) is about this. I haven't read all of it, but what I've read was pretty good.
That depends on what you mean by religion, having faith in something does confer psychological protection from some mental health issues. But in my opinion it also leaves one open to manipulation by other people. Finding a "practice of thought" that confers the same benefits while being resistant external tampering would be a very good idea.
Perhaps Richard Dawkins needs to sit down and write "The God Substitution."?
In the mean time, have a read of these:
That, of course, depends on what exactly your interest is. In a couple of weeks, I am going to dive into these two:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608829928/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d19_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1P5T0X523W6Z6GDDNDRY&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1688200382&pf_rd_i=507846
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572246952/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d19_i2?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1P5T0X523W6Z6GDDNDRY&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1688200382&pf_rd_i=507846
I strongly recommend this book Buddha's Brain which helped me more thn therapy ever did. Good luck!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246952?pc_redir=1404563860&robot_redir=1
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246952 this book changed my life
Meditation. At least in theory, if you meditate, even for 5 minutes daily, it can really help with motivation and self control.
If you have some time, I recommend a book titled The Will Power Instinct. Very interesting read on why we do the things we do, and what we can do to avoid setbacks. Speaking of which, I guess I lost today, Cupcake won.
EDIT: Fixed link formatting.
Do you have any citations that show detrimental effects of carbs? My understanding is that the blood sugar crash that follows after eating a large simple carb meal is what leads to drowsiness and fatigue. Eating a moderate level of complex carbs should keep blood sugar level. According to The Willpower Instinct, feeding your brain with carbs is very helpful for exercising willpower. http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386
This study looked at different ratios of carb:protein on cognitive tasks and found a 1:1 ratio was optimal for performance. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11897269
> http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386[1]
http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386
FTFY
http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters/dp/1583334386
Granted it was written from a Christian/spiritual perspective, this book was very helpful to me and has great insights into how having boundaries in your life can protect/build your emotional wellness.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1498238099&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries
I still think that any person, regardless of their belief system, will be able to glean useful principles from what is written in it.
My thoughts and experiences
I discovered that I used to be overly compliant for fear of controlling unpleasant emotions in other people's lives (whether or not the emotion is directed at me or not). Although it appears charitable, being overly compliant is just as much a form of controlling people's emotions for things that they should be responsible for. A part of stopping the over-compliance is by being okay with seeing people suffer the consequences of their actions even though you are ideally able to alleviate their pain.
While having loose boundaries makes you effective at putting out short-term fires in other people's lives, what happens is that your emotional well-being smolders from being exposed to so many fires and you begin to get emotional "burns" over time. It is certain useful in the short-term, but damaging and unsustainable for an individual in the long-term.
As far as I know, this kind of behavior is difficult to troubleshoot for an INFP because their compliance is a natural emergent from the wonderful care an INFP can have for other human beings. It's basically learning to learn to turn off a part of you by realizing that standing up for yourself does not always spell the end of relationships, and it is necessary in the care of self. In fact, it works as a great filtering mechanism for keeping unwanted people out of your life because healthy people will still stick around and respect your differences and the manipulative people will leave when they realize they can't control you.
I think one of the most useful ways for an INFP to look at the conflicts that emerge from setting boundaries and limits on others is that conflict can be used as an opportunity for self-expression. It shows where one person ends and you begin, and an INFP should generally be excited for any opportunity for self-expression (lol!).
The personalityhacker podcast has recently had some interesting information on setting boundaries, an I'm sure most of the information I've shared has been from my experiences of considering the advice I've heard on that podcast and the book I linked before. I still have a lot more work to do, too.
This is the podcast:
http://www.personalityhacker.com/podcast-episode-0177-setting-healthy-boundaries-with-merja-sumiloff/
You seem to be an ENTJ who is doing a good job at being yourself—you understand the end-result of a behavior and that is a good enough reason for you to establish boundaries without a care otherwise. Your INFP friend, however, needs to have the reason for a change in their behavior build from the bottom-up, from an authentic place. It's not as effective of a process at yours is, but it'll bring a lot of health into other areas of their lives in processing it in the way an INFP needs to. So thank you for looking out for your friend and seeking out help on their behalf.
My therapist recommended this Boundaries book (can get it on amazon pretty cheap) and it has been a really good read. They have expansions such as Boundaries in marriage, family and kids. I needed this after I was discarded and still would let my nex and his flying monkeys push my boundaries. boundaries book
I'm going to go a little against the grain here and suggest that you do actually involve your parents in this decision to move out. The caveat, however, is that you do not let them make decisions for you or try to convince them that you're ready to move out. Are you or your parents christians OP? If so, you and your parents absolutely, 100% need to read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. If not, the book has a lot of bible quotes and speaking about what god and jesus say about your relationship with others, but it's still a good resource for what you're about to do if you can struggle through that.
Next, you're going to make a plan and a budget. I'm going to lay something out here that assumes you are 100% reliant on your parents for everything at the moment, you'll need to adjust it to your situation.
Once you've got all of this written down, with a budget showing your expenses and income and how you're going to pay for things and you've found the apartment you want and everything, sit down with them and have a talk. This isn't a talk where you ask permission, this isn't a talk where you listen to their complaints or excuses, this is a talk where you tell them what you've planned and what you're going to do.
If they try to interrupt, which they will, tell them that you'll listen to their suggestions, not complaints, at the end; and do listen to them if they aren't just complaining and making excuses, because they're older than you and they had to leave home at some point and they have experience in the matter. Now you've asserted that you are capable of making your own decisions, and you need to stand by that, with luck, your parent's will see that you are ready to move out and you can get on with your day. If not, then you're just going to have to accept that your boundaries upset them, and that's okay because you've never set boundaries with them before, and these are the growing pains.
Kick her ass out. It's your house, and you have every right to say who can and cannot stay in your home. Additionally, I feel like you need to set clear boundaries with your sister, for some reason she feels like she has the power to tell you what to do in your house. I recommend this book, it deals with boundaries around family relationships: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454, best of luck friend.
/u/tepidsoup you need this boundaries book: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
https://www.amazon.ca/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
You and your wife should read a book called Boundaries. It's required reading for everybody imo, but especially newly married couples who are struggling with over-involved/intrusive parents. What your FIL is asking for is completely and utterly out of bounds, and you would be taking on enormous personal/familial risk and stress if you agreed.
Now that you're married (congrats) you need to focus on yourselves more so than ever... may I suggest a book "Boundaries" http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454 that you both read and discuss as to know how and when to help those around you
Regardless of how this gets resolved, you've got a good opportunity here:
I worked through this book and the accompanying workbook. It is written from a Christian standpoint so it may not be something of interest. It helped me see where and why I lacked boundaries as well as how to establish them. I had read the book before but doing the workbook along side of it was HARD and what actually helped me make a change. Then you just have to keep believing that the work you are doing for yourself is important. That you are important. That their hurt feelings and dislike of your boundaries is exactly WHY you need to put them in place.
It does get easier as time goes on bc you’ve seen the benefit of establishing and maintaining them!
I would really, really recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's from a Christian perspective and addresses many situations that you actually describe in your post.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. Remember that you cannot make other people do anything. The only thing you have control over is how you act to others and how you deal with things. Even if your family doesn't understand you and takes advantage of you, it is up to you to change things. Being upset or angry will not help at all, it will only make the relationship worse. And I'm sure that you want to eventually have a good relationship with your family! This is a great book to read if you haven't read it. I'm still in the middle of it, but it has helped me learn that setting boundaries or saying no is not necessarily mean or letting people down, but can actually a positive thing if done for the correct reasons.
I recommend this book to you. It will guide you how to establish boundaries. The more time DH spends with your mom maybe the more he will see what a shit person his own mom is. You can even use yourself as an example. Point out how you parent your own kids and how its not how MIL parented him.
I have a husband that also downplays or brushes off shit his mother does. I just mostly put distance between them and made it so we barely see her.Its the only way for him to have clarity.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
I'm in the middle of a divorce at the moment, so many of the behaviors you mention hit close to home. What I read in your post and what I'm experiencing myself is not just that this person has failed to recognize that they have done something hurtful, it is that they continue to do it. I don't think it is time for forgiveness yet. To me, forgiveness means that I am going to shelve my hard feelings and allow us both the gift of a fresh start. But how do you offer a fresh start for every single interaction?
I'm going to recommend a book which I hope is the 'everyday' version of a marriage book my therapist recommended called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No. A concept that really stuck with me was 'You get what you tolerate', which I took to mean that if you allow someone treat you a certain way they take that as permission to continue. My late night advice would be that more than forgiveness, what you need is to start standing up for yourself. I think being able to say, "If you continue to speak to me this way, I'm going to go home early" will do more to heal your relationship than giving them a get out of jail free card.
Money doesn't create dysfunction. Your family was already dysfunctional. The money stuff is just another arena for the dysfunction to play out.
This is worth talking about with a therapist. Or at least take a read through this book: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
I would echo the counseling recommendation and also suggest reading the book Boundaires by Cloud and Townsend. It is a REALLY hard thing to do - to set boundaries on your parents. Sometimes it feels infuriating that you, the child, have to be more wise and thoughtful than your parents. But it really will help in establishing a more healthy relationship. Best of luck!
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
by Henry Cloud
Helped me early on
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1451771828&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend&dpPl=1&dpID=41w%2Bq-o2f9L&ref=plSrch
It's especially funny considering christianity is supposed to be faith based not works based. It's so easy to be ostracized for not doing enough.
I found this book to be literally life changing.
The best part now is not feeling any guilt about not evangelizing.
My apologies for commenting prior to deconversion. However, I enjoy how well your sub identifies and analyzes problems in the church.
We can observe our thoughts as they come and go, in the moment, as a same happening as anything else in the external world. By shedding acceptance and self-love on everything that occurs in this moment, they lose their power.
Thought certainly has a purpose in this world, but the key is to not get lost in thought as if it is our identity.
I think before delving into Alan Watts, it would be wise to first check out either Eckhart Tolle or Sam Harris.
x
Maybe you are an alien. That would be pretty fucked up though, wouldn't it? To be an alien, but not know. Then again maybe we are all aliens. Or more likely none of us are aliens and this is all a simulation.
Do any of those possibilities change a thing in your life? If you are so privileged, perhaps consider trading places with someone else. You don't have to change names like Eddie Murphy, but maybe it's your "world" of privilege that doesn't suit you.
Buy A New Earth and spend a week traveling on a train while you read it. Come back a new person. Kick that asshole out of your privileged life and enjoy your new outlook on life.
Warning: this might be a bit woo-woo for many INTJs. LOL
I'm wondering how you can strive to alter yourself when you seem to have no real sense of yourself without someone else's definition laid upon you. It might be worth taking the time to acquaint yourself with your Self before you decide a major overhaul is necessary. It's possible that if you know your Self and become more aligned with your Self, you'll actually have an easier, more congruent and fulfilling life and more honest and deeply connected relationships with others.
You might want to take a look at Eckhart Tolle, whose book A New Earth has a lot to do with becoming more conscious of your inner self, and differentiating between your real Self and the voice of your ego... and also the difference between your Self and your thoughts. Yes, he's an Oprah "new thought" guru, but he's also kind of an intellectually weighty geek and his explanations are a bit more complex than some of the other spiritual folks she promotes.
You might also gain some valuable insight through those tried-and-true methods of journaling and meditation. Russell Simmons (of Run DMC) wrote a really straightforward, decently researched, and simple "how-to" book on meditation that you might want to check out if that piques your interest, too.
Since the object of non-fiction is mostly information or opinion to bring certain views and objectives to light in your mind, it's not as relevant as a fiction tale, but a book was left on a counter for a retail outlet I was working for with a note on the inside cover:
>Dear (name),
>
>I really think you could use this book. I really wish the best for you and you are so caught up in the small things that you can't find happiness. I love you and care for you and it pains me as a mother to see you like this.
>
>With love"
The book was Echkart Tolle's - A New Earth
So, I read the shit out of that book the next two night and it really got me interested in reading a lot more books like it and others on the mind, personality, spirituality, and all that. I also still don't know who the book was for, or if he ever read it and I've always been curious as all heck to know the story behind it. I brought the book back to work and no one came back to claim it.
Oh wow. As to specific books. Hmm. That's sort of all over the place but each one had something to offer. The ones I remember are:
Books on my list to read:
I have also dabbled in the study of Zen and a few types of Buddhism, Tao, other Eastern Religions and philosophies as well as some Western religions, ho'oponopono, mindfulness and reiki.
Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle have some good techniques for separating yourself from your ego.
Please text 741741 crisis text line. You will have someone to talk to in real time over text. There are millions of people who feel like you do. You are not as alone as you think.
Edit: try this book as well. It can make a huge difference. So can similar books. Knowledge is power.
A new Earth
On the subject of ego I can recommend the following book: Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose.
In addition to everyone's recommendations here, as an additional tool I highly recommend picking up one of Eckhart Tolle's books
This book is not a bunch of "spiritual mumbo jumbo". It contains tons of practical advice that we all can use. If it carries more weight with you, Oprah considers Eckhart's book one of the 10 favorite books from the last decade.
This book is great for understanding more about yourself. Basically, it is about the ego. There is part describing the workings of the ego and part pointing to the remedy. Essentially it says that everybody's purpose in life is to live in the present moment as much as they can.
Have been in the exact same boat and I feel like it took me a lot longer to work through it than most. Also went from being very focused to not being able to focus on anything at all, worried about my job performance, unable to get out of bed on weekends, etc. Prior to my learning that Mormonism was false, I had never experienced a day of depression in my life, but after my world came crashing down it became a long, dark tunnel. Anyway, it's called an existential crisis if you haven't read up on it already. Give it time and keep working on things and I promise it will eventually improve. For what it's worth, these four books were game changers for me (check them out if you're interested:
You may not agree with everything in the books above (I didn't) but they provided me with a lot of invaluable perspective in working through my own loss of faith and the existential vacuum that followed. Stick with it and know that you're not suffering alone! And I promise things will get better.
Awesome self-awareness and an important first step toward greater overall peace and contentment. But you probably don't have to look anywhere for happiness, though growth and change are likely to be part of the process. I enjoyed A New Earth and it was a very popular framing of the sort of inner work that goes into overcoming many of our misconceptions about who we are and what's really important. All the best with your process!
All religions do their best to point to that which cannot be reduced to words. My own recommendation would be to start with a book that recognizes this truth.
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452289963/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_O9oZub0JMM215
Read this book - http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1249373926&sr=8-1
What you feel is enlightenment. This book will help you guide you along your journey.
Absolutely. No human is worthless, and it is only in the dimension of the ego that one can feel good or bad about themselves in light of past happenings.
I recommend you read A new earth by Eckarth Tolle and learn more about the ego - and in that way learning to unidentify with your past actions and the guilt that came with it.
No human is perfect, and it is our flaws that make us beautiful. Really. We've all made mistakes friend, but it is our intention that is important.
Remember all the good things you've done, you're only human.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0452289963/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_14_1/190-5385372-3781668?ie=UTF8&dpID=51qo%2B8ZGO0L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL100_SR100%2C100_&refRID=0X965XAVD2E56XTPVH3X
Eckhart Tolle- A New Earth: Awakening to your life's purpose.
I'm glad it was helpful. like I said you are far from alone. I felt like I wanted to throttle my kid many times at that age. but it just takes some perspective. if we were to have a second kid I would look at it totally differently. I mean it would still suck in the moment but I'd have the perspective that I do now; that this is a phase, that the kid doesn't know shit, that it's up to me to know what's wrong and what can fix it, etc.
in terms of the grieving your loss of pre-baby life, it took me waaaaay to long to recognize or even begin to address it. my kid is 3.5 now and I'm still dealing with it, my wife even more so in some ways. look up and study the stages of grief. it may seem weird to think you are grieving something that isn't like your dog dying or some shit, but losing your pre-parent freedom is a HUGE deal that from my experience people don't really address head on. they just sort of accept their new responsibilities and have a lingering resentment for the freedom they lost. better to take a look at it straight on and see where you are at in the process.
in terms of earplugs yea just the spongy disposable kind are fine. that way you have a tub or bag of them you can go to and don't have to worry about finding a particular pair. idk what it is about a baby's/kid's cry/scream but it fucking drives me up the wall like nothing else. I'm guessing it's something evolutionary built into dads to have us respond to our child's needs because it's like a fucking primal thing for me. I mean it raises my blood pressure instantly. it causes my body to respond like I'm in a fight or flight manner. definitely the limbic system at play (side note: if you have struggled with emotions at all in your life check out the book Emotional Intelligence. it will help you understand how all that shit works and allow you some greater control over it through that understanding). the earplugs just help tone things down a bit so you still have that emotional desire to respond but not as much of the "omg stfu you little shit wtf is wrong with you?"
glad to hear you aren't drinking too much. I got pretty far down a hole on that front. it was already a problem for me before I had a kid and having a kid only made it worse. 7 months sober today and between that, working on my mental state, and exercising I feel probably the best I have in my entire life. I mean the daily grind still sucks ass (I also have a job I hate, but at least it pays decent), but now I have the tools to manage in a healthy way.
finding time to do stuff is a real challenge. just make sure you aren't making excuses to yourself or just being plain lazy. sure you may have to get up an hour earlier to hit the gym (that's what I do), but the reward is substantial and something that will far outweigh the cost. if you find yourself saying "I don't have time for that. I don't have the money for ___". seriously consider why you are throwing up road blocks to yourself. it will make you stronger and since you are a dad now the stronger you are the better. women have many struggles they deal with and I'd never discount them, but men do as well and ours IMO rest squarely on our own shoulders. like I mentioned before, look into stoic philosophy/thought. there is a subreddit for it to get you started. trust me on this one. it changed my view completely about how to deal with the obstacles life throws your way. instead of looking at all the problems I have to deal with now as annoyances or just some bullshit, I look at them as opportunities for me to grow and achieve. you may not struggle with this as I did/do, but it's worth looking into.
all in all man, you aren't a bad person or a bad dad. you just don't have the tools yet and that is frustrating as fuck. I mean I remember walking out of the hospital with our newborn and being like "holy shit I have a fucking kid now. shouldn't they have given me like a handbook or some training or some shit before they let us leave with this helpless little shit bag?" nope. it's up to you to figure that out on your own. and you are going to make a TON of mistakes. don't beat yourself up about those. USE them to grow and become a better parent/person. ask, read, try. just be careful taking other parents advice as set in stone. even what I'm saying. I mean give it some thought and try it out but if it doesn't work for you then don't fucking do it. this is just the beginning of a life of responsibility. just realize that you are still in the very early phase. I hardly even remember the first 4 months, let alone the first year of my kids life. it's a sleepless, frustrating, flailing blur. it helps to be aware that there is a light at the end of the tunnel so to say, but also that the tunnel you are in isn't all bad if you shift your view of it. give yourself a pass for what you have done. but don't keep doing it and try and get better. find what works for you. be like a fucking rock as best you can. waves of baby shit and vomit crashing against you and the screams and cries in the air and you are just solid as fuck and can't be defeated in your role as partner/parent. your wife will see it, your kid will instinctively recognize it and it will keep him calm. seriously, babies are like dogs. they can sense your emotional state even if you don't. so if you are fucking stressed and pissed they know it. and you know what? it's going to affect them. like your agitation may be the cause of your kid freaking out. just think about that for a minute. it's like a positive feedback cycle and that kid isn't going to be the one to stop it. you have to. I know you can do it man. being self aware is the first step. find tools that work for you. stop fighting what you can't change and work on what you can change. from one dad to another, I wish you the best and believe you can find the strength within to knock this shit out of the park.
Just take things slowly. I would personally recommend finding a therapist. Someone who isn’t going to diagnosis you to bill insurance. A therapist doesn’t need a diagnosis to bill but a psychiatrist does. However a psychiatrist can prescribe medication if you need it.
In the mean time there are books I would recommend. Either read them or listen to audiobooks. Whatever books speak to you.
If money is an issue you can always go to the library or use the app Overdrive. Overdrive is a free app linked to your local library.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X[emotional intelligence ](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X)
These were the most helpful Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=emotional+intelligence+daniel+goleman&qid=1565396925&s=gateway&sprefix=emotional+intel&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Stress-Management-Gerard-Hargreaves/dp/081447022X/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?keywords=gerard+hargreaves&qid=1565397121&s=gateway&sr=8-6
https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=elaine+aron+highly+sensitive&qid=1565397025&s=gateway&sprefix=elaine+aron&sr=8-1
This one? https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=emotional+intelligence&qid=1563794483&s=gateway&sprefix=emotional&sr=8-3
Read the book. It has a lot of practical value.
A few I've gotten into recently:
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X - Emotional Intelligence - it's about the difference between your brain's rational/logical/analytical processing and emotional/intuitive processing, and why they both matter.
https://www.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates/dp/B0032COUMC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1541098584&sr=1-3&keywords=drive - Drive - it's about how motivation works, particularly in the workplace but also in personal life, and how freedom, mastery, and a sense of purpose can motivate people to do greater things than classic rewards and punishments will.
https://drgabormate.com/book/scattered-minds/ - Scattered - it's mostly about ADHD, but it has some really interesting stuff about the psychology of sensitive minds and how they can be damaged by childhood stress. The book focuses mainly on the psychological aspects of ADHD, and less on the medication and how-to-fix-it stuff that the more self-helpy ADHD books talk about.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034 - How to Win Friends and Influence People - it's an older book with a weirdly folksy tone to it compared to modern books, but it still has some great advice. It doesn't dive deep into psychology, really. It's mostly about how little changes to how you approach social situations can have big effects on how people feel about you and whether or not they'll listen to what you have to say. For example, people unconsciously feel better when they hear their own name, so it helps to deliberately remember and use the names of people you meet.
Emotional intelligence
There's a book called Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. According to this book, EQ is more important than IQ because networking and being able to navigate social situations is more important to success in life, including in business, than IQ. That means IQ is not the best thing in the world; EQ is.
agree #16 is maybe the most interesting one - if you want to read more about, this book was pretty inspiring: http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X
I used to suffer from this too. For me, I struggled with a lifelong history that told me that I wasn't smart enough to offer the world what I felt deeply I could. Eventually I realized that everyone & everything has some fundamental flaw. This helped to release me from the mental paralysis of thinking that my struggle was something unique. The funny thing is that most people will struggle with this at SOME point in their life. For me, it was from around 20-23 years of age. For my wife, it was from about 28-33. It's different for everyone.
I do recall reading a book in one of my college classes called Emotional Intelligence . If my Swiss cheese memory is accurate, I think that there's a chapter in it which describes "emotional hijacking". This chapter helped me into realizing WHEN & WHAT was triggering my Flight, fright or fight mechanisms. Once I honestly asked WHY and refused an answer which wasn't fact based, I realized that many of my anxieties were driven by things which were 100% theoretical. As time went on, I became more and more disciplined at throwing away or giving minimal weight to what an opinion meant about ME.
e.g. Someone responds to an idea by saying "Great idea, but it'll cost too much".
Old me would have thought "They think the idea was dumb. Is it dumb?"
New me thinks"good point, what variables could be changed to make this cheaper ".
Sorry to drone on, but one last thought which could help boost you when your demons are beating down your self worth...I remember heavily questioning my potential whenever I would run into someone who I knew was clearly smarter than I was. I came to terms with this when it dawned on me...
"They may have been born with the 128 pack of crayons. True, they possess colors like chartreuse & mahogany yet I do not. But I will color the SHIT out of what I can with my 8 pack of crayons. I may have to mix and match my colors more but this will not stop me from creating my masterpiece"!
Congratulations, you're human.
I [21M] hit this mid last year and I'm still reeling...
There is plenty of good advice in other comments, but consider that starting down this road might be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but it guaranteed to be one of the most exciting.
Do not be afraid to seek help from others or from professionals.
Remember that there are people like you out there.
Also, this may help bridge the gap between your analytical and emotional processes.
Being able to step back and enjoy the human comedy.
Also, a pointer to a fascinating book is "Emotional Intelligence". There's an updated version but I haven't read it.
For example one thing I remember is being able to detect your own emotions as they happen is very powerful.
i am not going to give you a diagnosis because i am in no way qualified to tell you what is up.
but if you feel unconfident, then i guess you should work on that. maybe the problem is your worthiness, it sounds cheesy as shit, but if you believe you aren't worthy to be around women, well you will act as if you are not, and women will see that, and boom! fucking self fulfilling prophecy.
anyway, what worked for me, to gain more self esteem and confidence is a book called the road less traveled i can't recommend this book enough!
it truly is a wonderful book, i felt like it was talking to me when i read it, i felt relief to be honest, i felt like shit for not realizing it early that, shit takes time to accomplish, but bit by bit you will have to work at it you'lll get there.
there is a segment in the book which is really empowering, that talks about ownership of problems,
now this may sound fucking obvious to some people, like "duh if you want to solve a problem you have, nobody is going to do it for you, its your problem!" its so logical right?
but when you don't feel worthy of having that weight in your shourlders, that you have power to change what you are, where you are, and where you want to be, that is PERSONAL POWER man!
the book makes you see that.
hey you were poorly diciplined as a child? well its ok, understand your parents they fuck up too, but it shouldn't burden your whole existance.
thing is that BY Taking responsibility for your problems you are doing two important things in self esteem.
1-stop seeking validation from others- aka if you have a goal and are solving it well people are always going to discourage you, you try to lose weight? well guess what some people will see that change and will try to get you back at being a fat person. but you taking charge of your situation is what counts!
2- investment of time in you- if you have a problem and take time to do shit, say read a book, or like in this case asking help on the webs, well you are taking charge towards driving yourself to be better. congrats, investment in self is important, because you wouldn't invest in something that isn't valuable, when you hold your opinion of yourself to be in a higher regard, WITHOUT BEING DELUDED!, its so empowering, because inside you know you are cool, you are special, you know you can have fun and enjoy people's company, even if you don't have the "record" to show it. but who ever does at the begining!?
this is important in regard to rejection, because say you approached that cute girl you find attractive, but say she flips out, (unlikely to happen unless you are RUDE!) but say she flips out and calls you a fatfuck, unatractive and a wimp.
well with this new concept, of self investment, you can quickly dimiss toxicity, you know that even if what she said was true, say you are in real life a fat person, there is no real reson to be a dick, plus, its only her opinion, an opinion of a stranger, but now since you are no longer validated by strangers, you are independent of both positive and negative critisism (obviouly you want constructive critizism but not shallow critism)
what i am trying to say is you will have more self esteem if you were validated on your standards over people's standards, because if you wait on peole well because simple you are the one that knows what you've been trhough over a stranger who only judges a segment of your life! see what im saying?
i really love the segment on problem ownership, you own your problems, no one will tell you or even help you, but as long as you have that responsibility and accountability of problems you are empowered to change.
haveing that drive to not feel like a victim and blame other people for your shortcommings is so great! it feels good bing in control over feeling powerless and dependent on other people.
maybe i am not explaining it correctly which is why i recommend you read this book so you get the 1st hand experience and take out what applies to you and what not applies to you.
i really love this book and if people want to be more confident, this book has very good bits that will help you, maybe even after reading the book you'd probably feel better. just one thing i recommend is that you recommend this book to other people if they need help just like i've "helped" you by maybe reading that book.
its all really up to you if you want to order that book, and invest time in yourself by reading it.
I get that, I'm not trying to be critical of your progress or circumstances, I just have to try to help with a couple of short paragraphs. If you're really interested in working on yourself and fulfilling your potential for growth, I would recommend that you read The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. It may help to get you to a place where you really can snap your fingers to shift perspectives that will advance your growth. I give this book to everyone.
So it goes.
The Road Less Traveled helped me straighten myself out a while back. Check it out.
See "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck.
Good people suffer more because they better recognize the magnitude of problems.
You are the one who does not understand human psychology, based off your responses.
http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-25th-Anniversary/dp/0743243153/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314211254&sr=8-1
Pick up that book, read it and see if your opinions don't change some.
Most self help books, true. But this is something everyone should read at least once.
Life-altering books for me:
EDIT: Links to Amazon
I strongly urge you to read The Road Less Traveled. It's a fun read because you really get to think about yourself as you read it. The problem you have sounds deep, something you should get to the root of to start fixing.
Being judgmental is really really shitty, especially prejudice. I feel like it prevented me from getting to know a lot of amazing people. But once I truly realized the fact that everyone is unique and interesting in some way or another, it allowed me to open up A LOT and it's more fun that way. Some people I would find douchey turned out to be the nicest dudes, or the girl that seemed sassy was a sweetheart on the inside. Try to be as open minded as you can when meeting someone. Let them tell you about who they are, instead of you assuming who they are.
Nulliparous may be going a bit over-board with his disgust for it, but I agree that psychology is very much a pseudoscience. Look at how often they completely rewrite the DSM, and they do so mostly to fit what is currently socially acceptable. Add to that how many of them are just anti-depressant shills, or are just there to jerk off narcissistic personalities, and people get fed up with their inability to treat their disorders.
I don't think we should stop all self-reflection, or the field of study, but people should be aware that they have to take it all with a grain of salt. They should also be very wary of each professional they see initially, I've ran into some extreme nutjobs, most of which just wanted to get me on their brand of anti-depressant. Anti-depressants do not solve anything! Learn to take responsibility for your mental health, read the Road Less Traveled.
Before you go--- why not try reading a book I read some time ago called "The Road Less Traveled", by Scott Peck. Here's a link to it on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-Timeless-Edition/dp/0743243153
I rather liked it. You may too. If you give it a shot, what harm will it do to try it out since it really wont interfear with your life terribly however you choose to live it.
I wish you the best. If you read it, be sure to give me a PM even if it sucked! PM's are open even if you don't read it.
Love and eHugs!
Bottom line answer is yes. We are a product of our experiences and we develop our shadow based on those experiences. From a Jungian perspective it is important in our individuation process to integrate our shadow. There are no guarantees in life. We will be disappointed along the way. There will be struggles. Hopefully all of our experiences can help us in our growth process. There are two ways to live life--either "being" or "becoming". Figuring out which one actually will lead to flourishing (despite the trials) is part of the trial. Working with a good therapist can be hugely beneficial. If you're a reader, I'd suggest the book The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck it would be a good guide and support for your therapy.
We're under no obligation to be the same person we were yesterday"
---
Hello, traveller!
I've read Models by Mark Manson, but haven't gotten to "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" yet.
During my journey here, I read 2 additional books that may be good for you since they stemmed from some of those teachings
No more mr. Nice guy (Glover)
The road less traveled (Peck).
I was also having issues with an obstacle but reading your post made me realise what i have overlooked and may be beneficial in aiding me in my own journey as well.
Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it.
[The Road Less Traveled] (http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-Timeless-Edition/dp/0743243153)
I would suggest reading the book "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. It is one of my favorite books and has helped me a lot. It was recommended to me by my father.
I don't think it's an n trait but I struggle with procrastination and overall self discipline. Many over here have described it as a flea. I am really liking this book by Scott Peck called " The road less travelled" so far. It talks about overcoming fleas due to a toxic upbringing. Tells you what "love" means -words grounded in action and intention, not romantic overtures and platitudes.
http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-Timeless-Traditional/dp/0743243153/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453580143&sr=8-1&keywords=scott+peck+the+road+less+traveled
The official story narrative is self-censoring for a variety of reasons most of them psychological based on nothing more than the desire to fit in and not be branded a heretic or a crazy lunatic. It's very cowardly yes, but it's also human nature, and it goes to show that a PhD doesn't have much clout in matters of scientific and historical scrutiny and analysis at it might have once had.
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One of the best books i've ever read on the subject of mental and spiritual health and well being is called "The Road Less Travelled, A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth" by M. Scott Peck, M.D.. In it, he posits a few basic precepts as the foundational cornerstone to all human mental health, and by comparison, mental illness, of which "we are all mentally ill to a greater or lessor degree lacking perfect mental and spiritual health and well being" surrounding what he refers to as the four tools of discipline, and they are:
The will to use and employ these tools of discipline - is Love, where Love may in turn be defined as:
"Love is the will to give of one's self for the sake of another's mental, emotional and spiritual growth and well being."
(paradoxically this includes the self in the expanded act of moving beyond one's self and narrow self-serving agenda, in self-sacrifice and self-giving and leaving the self behind)
This then leads to Peck's follow-up book called "A World Waiting to be Born, Civillity Rediscovered" which arose from the principals unearthed as if inspired by a Godly muse i should add in his first book "A Road Less Travelled" in which he further defines "Civility" or how we relate or ought to relate to one another within a societal and even a governing dynamic, as:
"Consciously motivated organizational behavior that is ethical in submission to a higher power", or as he goes on to show is essential in such a context an imagined perfect observer where perhaps the new science axiom of to be is to be percieved, isn't entirely off the mark.
So from this filter, we can then proceed to run a type of societal diagnosis upon ourselves "Doctor heal thyself".
That the present state of affairs is so bad, isn't so bad in the final analysis because "for mankind, all happiness must arise exclusively only in relation to some unhappiness, already experienced" (Gurdjieff) and where "the more that sorrow and suffering has carved into our being the more joy we can contain" (Gibran).
It's always darkest before the dawn, and what are we if not it's light at least in part.
So our cause is still worthy and just, to help bring to light the dark ugly truth about 9/11 and what it really means in terms of the so-called "elite" who want to take over the world and in some ways already have right under our noses or in the case of 9/11 right before our eyes.
It was not unlike a type of magic trick performed on the grandest scale, 9/11, and because the alternative hypothesis hasn't been completely able to unravell it, with questions remaining and absurd claims about space beams and the like, the official story narrative sticks in the collective imagination and unconsciousness and there corrupts the American mind if only because it is not true and simply cannot be believed.
9/11 is like a chain that binds a historical beast of prey and casts him headlone into the abyss, which means, oblivion.
Just one more generation to come along and take a good cold hard look at the evidence, and there it is.
The buildings did not really "collapse" that's not what took place or occurred in reality and according to the immutable laws of physics.
9/11 is leaking, and way to go 9/11 truth movement for keeping it on the table in order so that future generations looking back can get the story straight, which they will and can't not.
In the very near future, grade 10 level physics students, armed with nothing but a bunch of youtube videos and a stopwatch, will not only prove 9/11 to be false, but their understanding of the course material to be true, and their teacher will have to give them an A without sending them to see the psychiatrist.
It will happen eventually.
But as to the current state of human affairs, i'd have to agree that it looks pretty darn dismal. It's not a good prognosis when using Scott Peck's filter to examine it. Makes for good comedy though, potentially, from the POV of the future looking back on this entire nightmare of historic insanity from 2001 to 2015 (and it's still going on, all justified in the name of 9/11, so it's still relevant as the documentary points out).
The Road Less Traveled gets into this quite a bit. I just started reading it, but I think a lot of what's in it could really apply to the fapstronauts around here. It really stresses discipline and independence as key elements to contentedness.
Sex is so overrated anyway, isn't it? It's just a thing that happens, you have a good time, and then it ends, then you're right where you started except maybe a little bit more attached to your partner. Then eventually you and your partner will fall out of love and there will be pain, and depending on the level of dependence you have on each other, you may actually take steps backwards in life by the time it ends. I guess it's all well and good if you're happy by yourself, but that only happens once you're able to give up on trying to find a partner.
This book has helped me and a few of my friends, not sure if it has already been suggested or not. I would highly recommend it.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1485182584&sr=8-5&keywords=mindfulness+for+beginners
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/
Maybe they read this book
after the last 2 episodes I started " The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck"
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Thank you, I think less is more. I think some girls are more into the time between texts game while other girls are willing to reply honestly and more freely.
Wouldn't it be nice if these women told you what they didn't like instead of just ghosting you? I did let it get to me pretty majorly at first -- this experience has taught me that I really need to improve on not giving a f*ck (just ordered this book)
Great summary of this book that everybody should read:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
Here's a good book too! Or two. Or four! No More Mister nice guy + The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck + You Are a Badass + Declutter your Mind
They all will apply to Men or Women and are full of great advice and insights! E books available for cheap too. Suppose you can pirate them if you don't have the funds :)
Much love, hit me up if you need some friendly advice! I have been through a lot and am only now seeking what I feel I deserve in life :D
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
A friend once recommended this book to me and while I haven't bought it yet, I feel like this past year on keto (holy crap one year tomorrow!) has me feeling like I could write a version for myself.
KCKO and http://i.imgur.com/m1i6MUr.jpg