Reddit reviews What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
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This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.
I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.
After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.
After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.
From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.
Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.
Hope it helps.
Making sounds is just one the ways that human brain tries to unconsciously bring down stress/ shock factor levels. From an evolutionary standpoint it could also be a defense mechanism.
I'm going to guess you either haven't been in a situation stress/shock full enough to deserve a good shriek or you unconsciously do something else to bring down stress, maybe cuss, jump, catch phrase, touch a specific body part.
If you are actually curious about those conscious and unconscious body behaviors I would highly recommend reading 'What Every Body is saying'. It's a book written by an ex FBI agent about body language (Fair disclosure, the dude pats himself on the back way too much in the book, but it's a fine read regardless).
That user was awesome enough to post the book:
>willvotetrumpagain [score hidden] 4 minutes ago
>What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0010SKSTO/
I hope my answer helps.
ps: Fuck you for questioning the reddit hive-mind for downvoting you. /s
Books are your best bet. Books are the par excellence of autodidactism for a good reason. Blogs and youtube have zero filter on credentials and generally leave you misinformed or uninformed. They can suffice for small things but they'll never be as comprehensive. As an aside MOOCs by top professors at top universities (many of which follow books) will be the next best source.
To more specifically answer the question I read What EVERYBODY is Saying and found it an exceptional guide and introduction to the subject. About as in depth as you would need for game. If I'm not mistaken it's actually on the TRP best books list.
Yessir, that's a good way of putting it.
>May I ask how you worked on your social skills and networking?
Absolutely! First I read a bunch of books and articles, which I'll list for you below. Second I got a job that requires a lot of social interaction. And third I made a very dedicated effort to do more social things.
(Wow, I didn't realize how large this list was going to be. So I'm going to very highly recommend the first three books and just say that everything else is going to be beneficial, but not really necessary. You don't have to go nearly as deep as I did to get good results.)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Talk to Anyone
What EveryBODY is Saying
---
Never Eat Alone
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
Argumentation and Debate
What to Say When You're Dying on the Platform
The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking
The Art of Framing
This article
This documentary on body language
This video on body language
This ebook
/r/socialskills
This website
This video
This video
This video
A lot of Craig Ferguson interviews (especially the lady ones)
Etiquette
I actually think the blinking was just his standard behavior, and not a demonstration of deception. The reason is that he was doing it so much. One effective method when you want to detect deception in people is that you must first do what's called "baselining." You baseline a person by watching how they normally behave - their standard idiosyncrasies and typical behaviors - before you can determine what's strange or off.
Because I haven't observed Durst in his normal state, I can't baseline him. Therefore I can't say that his twitching is strange behavior, and I assume it's typical because he does it all the time - it's just an idiosyncrasy he has.
One other thing I thought was interesting was that he stole the sandwich. His reasoning was "maybe I wanted to see if I could get away with it." I wonder if perhaps he had that impulse after the murder (assuming he did it...which I do) because he was starting to get cocky (which he is) and thought he could swindle everyone even for something so ridiculous as a chicken salad sandwich.
There's also something called "micro-expressions" which has to do with movements of the face that happen in fractions of a second. A man named Dr. Paul Eckman pioneered the research into micro-expressions. But there's a LOT of research to suggest that A) you need a camera placed on the suspect and you must slow it down to accurately see the micro-expressions, and B) there's actually no hard evidence to suggest micro-expressions are in fact a demonstration of deception. So I don't put much stock in micro-expressions. That being said, I thought I might have noticed some expressions in Durst's face that looked like "micro-ish" expressions. I saw what I would deem anger, surprise, and disgust. Mostly I saw anger. But I'm not going to bet any money on his facial expressions as demonstrations of deception.
If you want to learn about detecting deception, there's actually a book that I think gives a good 101 lesson on the subject. It's called What Every Body is Saying by Joe Navarro - an ex-FBI interrogator. He makes a good case for some aspects of detecting deception, but I'm not certain all the methods in the book are scientific. He's been at it a long time, however, so he must know better than me!
Yes! Body language is extremely contextual.
For instance someone showing a lot of signs of being anxious may not be lying or in a stressful situation they may just be an anxious person.
So when you read people you need to establish a baseline of behavior and then notice changes from that baseline and try to figure out what they are in response to.
And it's not exact. Instead of "x means they are lying" it's "x is associated with someone feeling stressed" sorta stuff. Which means photos are not great for reading body language. You need video.
More information on basics of reading body language https://amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading-ebook/dp/B0010SKSTO/
I'm currently reading What Every BODY is Saying on reading body language. It's pretty interesting.
Mandatory reading:
Mandatory practicing, for people watching:
Mandatory practicing, for getting the PHB to agree with you:
Hey, mods how about putting these in the sidebar?
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0010SKSTO/
The keys here are
The last point is particularly useful because it tells the the person that you've been listening well enough that you can predict what they connect with. It gives the other person a jumping point for them to talk about themselves and for you to listen.