Reddit reviews When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

So...you're going to wait for a second slap? To whom? I bet that one will be "justified", too.

His POV is that if he's under stress, and someone (smaller and weaker than he) disrespects him, he gets to hit them. He said that to you and you are ignoring it. He used different words, but the meaning is clear.

What if it takes three years for him to haul off and belt (one of you) again? What good is all that time together then?

The lack of contrition is scary. "Working on it"...on your kids? If it were me, I'd let him 'work on it' with someone else's kids.

Change often sucks. Big, unexpected change sucks worse.

Wasted time is regretted much later. Just in case: When Things Fall Apart - Heart Advice For Difficult Times.

"Change is the only constant in life, if we could only see it." - ibid

I wish you Peace.

https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438

Most important book to read for what you are talking about. Hit me up anytime you need to talk.

Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart"

> Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.

One of the many lessons from the book that stuck with me, yet there's an untold number more. Single-handedly kept me sane and taught me a lot about resiliency in general.

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

Smile at Fear by Chogyam Trungpa

definitely mindblowing for me!

Oh my precious daughter, I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I wish I could fix all your problems and make everything OK. Let me hold you for a while, in a long mom-hug. We can just sit down for a while and you can rest in my arms. I so want to be able to give you some peace.
Most of the time abnormal cells from a pap smear is just the HPV virus. It's not nothing, but you will probably still be ok, baby.
Make sure you get lots of sleep, drink lots of water and eat nutritious foods. Watch some comedies. A big pot of chicken noodle soup sounds like a good idea right now.
Maybe read something that will help. I like this book.. https://smile.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438/
but you can look for something that suits you if this is not your cup of tea.
Take care, sweetheart. It's going to be OK.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times https://www.amazon.com/dp/1611803438/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1IS4DbJDH9VTE

For now, your top priority is not even getting over him, it's taking care of yourself. I hope you are doing that.

Also, stay with it. Whatever it is you are feeling, don't try to run away from it, as it will only make it harder. Get yourself a copy of When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It might help you. It's helped me through some rough times. Try running. Exercise helps too.

You can't make anyone want you. I know you know that. What you probably don't know is that what looks like a devastating loss right now is just the universe making space for you to meet someone who will want to stay.

I know none of this sounds terribly comforting right now, but just keep in mind that nothing is ever permanent and even these bad times will go away. Stay strong, take care of yourself. Let me know if you want to talk to a stranger.

I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.

• Books! I read so much about this stuff. I actually find therapists really terrible, because I can tell I'm more well-versed than them. Which sounds snotty, but I think I've had bad luck and, like, what am I paying you for if I can tell you're
  Here are a few helpful ones:
  Sexual healing, literally https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
  https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933/
  PTSD and trauma: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/
  Shitty men: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/
  Shitty parents: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/r
  https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
  A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438
  Brene Brown, duh: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/1604078588
  (All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)
  
  
• Learning to stand up for myself has been huge, but lately it has really kicked into high gear and it has involved lots of screaming. I'm really nice and polite and if I get ignored too much when I need to not be ignored, I melt down and scream. Usually the object of my screaming deserves it 100%, but I'm hoping this is just a phase because it wears me out and I feel like I'll get put in an institution one day, even though the episode never lasts more than a couple hours. I got stalked and cornered in a parking lot once, and men who come too close and don't listen to my polite, repeated requests to back off, well, they get an earful. I've had a lifetime of feeling unheard and abused, so I don't feel a ton of shame about it. I'm trying to find other productive ways, but, man, this world sucks and sometimes screaming feels like the most rational thing. (To be clear, I do this, like, once every three months max!)
  
  
• I wrote a letter to my dad once, telling him I hated all the shitty things he did to me and I cut him out of my life. Probably the best decision of my life. I did it thinking I just needed a little break, but almost eight years later, it feels pretty permanent and like it's given me the space I need to truly heal. Cut off your toxic relationships if you can!
  
  
• Venting helps immensely, whether with my friends, my mom, my journal or a therapist. I told a therapist that the main reason I found her helpful was because she was a neutral third party who had to listen to me and she got really offended. But it's true! Most of my therapists have not been able to be much more than a sounding board. I am open-minded, but their ideas were either useless or offensive. The ideas I found in books were so much more helpful (like the writing my dad a letter thing was right out of the Toxic Parents playbook! No therapist ever suggested any of that!)
  
  
• Weed is the only thing that truly helps me come down when I'm majorly triggered or anxious (ie when I have a screamy day), but Ativan isn't bad either.
  
  
• For anxiety, I do better if I've had 7 hours of sleep, no caffeine and as little sugar as possible. I always feel best if I hike, bike, run, elliptical, lift weights and swim. Being worn out keeps the anxiety at bay and I sleep better.
  
  
• I watch a lot of TV and spend a lot of time on the internet. It's a distraction and I don't find it terribly healthy or productive, and I'd usually rather be doing something else. But I get really anxious if I'm alone with my thoughts and it helps.
  
  
• I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or extravert and maybe it's dumb to care about, but if I'm around chill people, I tend to do much better. I read and write a lot and am shy and introspective, and I used to prefer being alone, which I guess would make me an introvert. But I've been very PTSDy lately, and having friends and family around me is a good distraction, I feel much safer and I seem fine enough that no one ever seems to comprehend how I could end up in a psych ward out of the blue one day. The thing is hanging out with friends requires money and I don't have a job because of my PTSD, so I feel myself sliding downhill. I wish I had money just so I could cook for my friends all the time or go out to dinner and drinks regularly. I get anxious about being a fucking mooch all the time :/
  
  Okay, that's prob good, right?

I honestly think you should read a book called when things fall apart https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=when+things+fall+apart+pema+chodron&qid=1557973727&s=gateway&sprefix=when+thibgs+fall&sr=8-1 it's better fitting for your situation I believe.

When Things Fall Apart -
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438

Maybe check out this book:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438

Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. Much of what is bothering you starts with your expectations of yourself. You may think it’s everyone else, but it’s really your expectations for yourself that really matter. To hell with expectations. You’ll learn the lessons you need to as you need them. And if something’s not working, be patient and open to learning when the lesson comes. Other than that don’t stress. Don’t push it. Just live, you’re good.

Pema Chodron: When Things Fall Apart

Daniel Millman: Way of the Peaceful Warrior

Don Miguel Ruiz: Four Agreements

Maya Hornbacher : Waiting

Bill W.: 12 Secular Steps

I am so sorry that your mom went through that and that you lost her.

I struggle with lapsing into unhealthy coping mechanisms in the face of emotional pain—numbing behaviors that in the short term help me get through a difficult time, but that get in the way of what Brene Brown calls whole-hearted living.

Pema Chodron talks about the paradox of how running away from pain causes us to suffer more than learning to stay in the moment and let ourselves feel things deeply.

Kristin Neff’s work is in the same vein as Pema Chodron’s, and is also excellent (she’s a psychologist and a researcher, whereas Pema Chodron is a buddhist nun).

Another resource that’s been a big help to me is Byron Katie’s The Work, which is a process for dealing with stressful thoughts (by filling out worksheets that help you work with those thoughts). Her worksheets are available for free (go to the “downloads” link and look at the “judge your neighbor worksheet” and “the four questions”).

I don’t mean to give unsolicited advice—these are things that have helped me in similar circumstances. Things might be different for you. xo

These books helped when my mother passed unexpectedly:

I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye
When Things Fall Apart
No Mud, No Lotus

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

Rock on. Pull up an audiobook for a gal named lena chodron. Book is called when things fall apart. Shes a buddhist monk... all woo woo Buddhist eastern philosophy aside... wonderful listen or read when things are unbelievably challenging

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times https://www.amazon.com/dp/1611803438/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_6ZB2DbYZ9X8KS

My therapist recommended I read this book and it’s been really helpful for me: When things fall apart

Op here are the few books that started me off. I highly recommend you read them before you do anything else.

For opening you to the idea and practice of expanding your empathy and compassion, you have the Dalai Lama
https://www.amazon.com/How-Expand-Love-Widening-Relationships/dp/0743269691

For a super informative yet very elegant break down of buddhist teachings, you have this book by Thich Nhat Hanh
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0767903692/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1498099873&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=thich+nhat+hanh+the+heart+of+buddhist&dpPl=1&dpID=51a4DGivamL&ref=plSrch

And for the difficult and sad times in life, you have this book by Pema Chodron.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1611803438/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RM1993TKS6SFXMCEJYSV


Highly recommend op. You can usually get used copys online for only a couple bucks.

Yeah, if you don’t mind me asking, and I love the Dalai Lama. I started reading Pema Chödrön, here is a link to a book that has helped and changed me and my friends lives. https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438/ref=nodl_

I feel your pain. Mine was 22 years. I try to focus on now and the future, I can't change the past. However, I can change myself, my attitude and the reasons I thought it was OK to stay in that relationship with someone who did not appreciate me nor respect me. Here are some books that have helped me with the feelings of waste and the same exact question:

[When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times] (https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1484668584&sr=1-1&keywords=pema+chodron)

The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

[The Power of Now] (https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484668804&sr=8-1&keywords=The+power+of+now)

 

This process is not easy, there is a whole gamut of emotions, it is a wild, rollercoaster ride. I have gone though the blaming myself, the shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger, bargaining and depression. I still feel them from time to time. However, on the long run it is a choice. I am choosing to change what I can and to be happy. It is not always easy and Im tired of the anger. I will no longer allow my STBX to live rent free in my head or usurp my feelings.

Take care of yourself, go for walks; eat, eat well; be conscious, don't do anything stupid. Work with a therapist, reconnect with your friends or make new ones. Use this sub-reddit, there are many here with good advice, I know it saved me from doing stupid stuff more than once. You will make it through, how is your choice.