Top products from r/ChildofHoarder

Have you read the book Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu? The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, gives you ideas of how to handle their reactions, and outlines practical intervention skills. If you haven't read the book, I wouldn't recommend proceeding until you've read through it.

Another approach is to not make the conversation about hoarding, and instead make it about safety. See here to learn more about Harm Reduction as a strategy.


Regardless of how you decide to approach, you want to show empathy (not necessarily agreeing with everything but demonstrating that you're willing to listen and to try to see things from their perspective), don't argue, respect their autonomy, and especially try to help them see that their actions are inconsistent with their goals or values.

Remember, you're dealing with adults who have freedom of choice about their own possessions. Try to engage them in a discussion (rather than an argument) about the home and their behaviors.

Ask them what they want to do, rather than just telling them what you want:

• "What do you think you would like to do about the clutter in the home?"
  
• "How do you suggest we proceed?"
  
  Ask the person about her goals and values:
  
  
• "What's really important to you in life?"
  
• "How would you like your life to be five years from now? What are your hopes and goals in life?"
  
  Discuss whether the person's acquiring or difficulty organizing or getting rid of things fit with those goals and values. Again, this is most effective if you ask, rather than tell:
  
  
• "How does the condition of your home fit with your desire to be a good granddad?"
  
• "You've told me that friendships are very important to you; how well can you pursue that goal, given the way things are right now?"
  
  Etc., etc., you get the idea.
  
  Remember that it's normal for your parents to be ambivalent about de-hoarding at best, that people have a right to make their own choices, and that nothing will happen until the your parents are ready to change. It's probably going to take multiple conversations with your folks, more than you would like, and they still may not come around in a way you would like.
  
  Finally, please note that DOING ALL OF THE ABOVE REQUIRES A LOT OF PATIENCE. I don't know your full situation, but it's not unusual for CoH to be at their wit's end dealing with their parents' hoarding. If you find yourself feeling frustrated in talking to your parents, step back and try to regroup. Read Dr. Neziroglu's book, too, because it has stuff in there about making sure that you're emotionally ready to dive into conversations with your hoarding parents.

This is one of the best places to start. I wish this book had been around when I was a teen:

https://www.amazon.com/Children-Hoarders-Minimize-Conflict-Relationship/dp/1608824381

​

There is also a group specifically for young COHPs living in the hoard.

Mycohp.com

MYCOHP, Minor and Youth Children of Hoarding Parents, is a safe, understanding, peer support group primarily for tweens, teens and  youth living in hoarded homes.

It’s a place to discuss growing up living in a hoarded home, and to learn from others with similar experiences.  Older teens, university students and other young adults often struggle to gain independence from a hoarded home, you are most welcome here as are younger tweens struggling with these challenges.

I have not personally read this book (yet), but I have seen it recommended and praised time and time again:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

I’m sure it’s available at libraries and probably as a digital library loan if you have Overdrive.