(Part 2) Top products from r/Christianmarriage

1. Comparison is the root of so many evils in marriage, especially adultery. Whenever you allow your brain to say, “That person is sexier/ healthier/ funnier/ more attractive/ more attentive than my husband!” you are training your brain to open those people up as options. You are training yourself to be open to an affair. DO NOT DO THIS!
   
   
2. Attractions are innate and uncontrollable. You can do things to prevent yourself from being in situations to form them (eg. don’t have close personal friends of the opposite gender, don’t confide in someone of the opposite gender, don’t go “window shopping”, etc), but once they’re there, your options are: a. Reinforce them with thoughts, words, or deeds (daydreaming, physical behavior, etc), or b. Cut off the supply (don’t interact more than you have to, don’t allow yourself to daydream, pray for them and your spouse when you start thinking about them or how good they are). The former option is not good, but the latter is godly.
   
   
3. Part of godly sex is to make sure that you both are satisfied. If you’re not feeling satisfied with your sex life with your husband, you need to tell him and figure out a way to fix it. Communication, communication, communication!! What would help you feel more cherished when you are intimate with your husband? Do you need to take a bath beforehand? Put on makeup or a pretty nightgown to feel attractive? Does he need to take longer warming up? Do you both need to spend more time cuddling? God gave you a husband for you to fulfill his sexual needs, and God gave your husband you to fulfill your sexual needs. If your needs aren’t filled, both you and your husband aren’t doing your jobs.
   
   
4. “The One” is the person you marry. God does not make soul mates. He created a covenant: a promise about how you will act with another person. And the more you bond with your spouse, the more you each become “The One” to each other.
   
   
5. Everything you mention is based on feelings. You don’t feel satisfied, you don’t feel attracted to your husband, you feel lustful towards other men. Your feelings are valid, and reflect a need that isn’t being filled. But your feelings aren’t reflecting the truth!
   
   Your dissatisfaction is a problem between you and your husband. Not being satisfied with your partner isn’t something anyone else can fix: it comes from you being open about your dissatisfaction and your husband being open to “figuring out” your sexuality.
   
   Not being attracted to your husband won’t be fixed by trading in a newer model. People change with time. You need to modify your heart towards your husband to see the attractive qualities about him: does he care for your children? Is he a good worker? Is he generous? Is he a good listener? You need to search in your husband for the value he has, and for the attractive qualities that will not fade with age. If you can’t see any good qualities, that’s another thing to add in a prayer list: that you will see the attractive qualities your husband has.
   
   
6. Please don’t indulge in smut. You are impeding your relationship when you do. You are reprogramming your brain to think that sex is all about that sexy feeling, instead of about creating a more intimate relationship with your husband. Sexual intimacy in a Christian relationship is based on a covenant of action and based on all other intimacy being married creates: emotional, mental, and relational. You are using the female version of pornography, and you are now needing to use that to find satisfaction in your relationship with your husband. If you ever want satisfaction from your husband alone, you’ll have to reprogram your brain to accept what sex is really about.
   
   
7. If you want your marriage to last beyond the next ~5 years, you need to start changing things, speaking up, and chasing your husband again. The place where you are now is somewhere you never thought you’d let yourself be, and you’re on the edge of a cliff you can’t seem to see the danger of. The longer you stay here or the more you walk towards the cliff, the less likely you’ll be able to fix the damage you’re doing. God is a god of miracles, but He never imposes in this world. You’re choosing now the consequences you’re willing to pay.
   
   ————————
   
   I’ve been on a quest for good marriage books, and two that I think you desperately need to read are:
   Lasting Love - avoiding marital failure
   and
   Lists to Love By - for busy wives
   
   ~$25 (for the both) is cheaper than a marital counselor, and a good place to start if you can’t afford someone in person.

Thank you for this - this is a very thoughtful reply. I can tell you've put in a lot of thought, consideration, and prayer into this. This might actually be worthy of a post all by itself if you're wanting a variety of perspectives on this. This said, I'm going to field a suggestion here and what has worked for us.

In our marriage, it was actually the opposite of your situation - I had a pretty strong depression going into our marriage and had anxiety disorders that lasted about 4 years into marriage. My anxiety and depression were so strong that I completely gave up sexual pursuit of my wife. I had fears which basically crippled me and sapped my sex drive to the point of crushing my wife. I would often come home and just lie in bed - completely bombed from depression and not wanting to get up else anxiety strike me.

The only way I broke free from all this stuff was from spiritual treatment. In particular, I read this book. It gave me extremely practical guidance for casting my cares on Christ and for the first time in my life, I experienced the peace of Christ which surpasses all understanding. The book literally broke a 15 year pattern of anxiety issues over the course of a day or two. It's been 3 years and I'm still free.

The basic message I had to internalize is that fear and faith cannot co-exist and that through consciously trusting in God, we will experience peace. When my wife has experienced anxiety, we've had quite a few sessions where she lays on the bed and I'll just walk her through trust exercises. I'll lead her in a simple prayer of "God, I trust you and I cast this anxiety upon you right now. Thank you for forgiving me for my lack of faith. Will you please free me from this tension and worry?" And I'll do this with her for every anxiety that comes to mind until she is relaxed and feeling free from fear and worry. It's been a pretty freeing exercise for us.

Just some thoughts - that's been what works for us and a resource that really helps. Happy to hear more of your thoughts and bounce ideas off of you if you'd like - regardless, I'm praying for your breakthrough in this area. I know how hard it can be to feel like your wife is just accommodating and not really into it - I understand that pain.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I recommend counseling for both of you individually and possibly marriage counseling so you can really discuss this with a third party who can help lead the conversation. I recently read an excellent book called "Intimate Deception" by Dr. Sheri Keffer (https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Deception-Healing-Wounds-Betrayal/dp/0800729129). It really goes into the different reasons men find themselves addicted to porn and also helps you process your feelings about it. I highly recommend it.

I also recommend looking into Accountable2You (https://www.accountable2you.com) an internet accountability and monitoring software. He can put it on his computer and/or cell phone. You'll get alerts if he looks at anything inappropriate and will be able to see what he does on both his phone and computer. It's $6/month but the piece of mind is worth every penny.

This addiction is about your husband, not about you. I get it, I've always been incredibly opposed to porn and made that clear to my husband time and time again. I didn't know he was silently struggling and keeping it from me for our 5 1/2 year marriage out of fear of how I would react. I wish I didn't make him feel like he had to hide it so we could have dealt with it sooner. We're in the midst of it now but it gets easier. He's taking the proper steps to get help (group therapy, joined Celebrate Recovery and is going through the 12 steps now) and I think eventually we'll be able to come out the other side.

When I first found out I was devastated. It felt like he had cheated on me and that I wasn't enough. But through counseling and honest discussions with him I've learned it's not something I brought on, this is all him. He has to work through what led to this and how to beat the addiction. He's gone about 4 months now without any slip ups so things are looking up.

Good luck.

I was single from 18 to 26. I went on dates here and there and was in a couple relationships that were short term (2-3 months), but I was in the same boat. Everyday I woke aching for some way out of my singleness. I was desperate just to have someone I could go to dinner with or go on a walk with. Some of the most painful seasons of my life were in those 8 long years of being single.

Approaching my 27th birthday, I decided to let go. Nearly all of my friends at this point were getting married, were already married or were having children. I wanted to stop putting expectations on what I thought a relationship would be like. I bought a book on dating, marriage, & relationships that vastly changed my mindset on what I thought finding someone to spend the rest of my life with was going to be like.

Edit: Heeeeeeere ya' go

2 months later, out of literally no where, I go on a date with the girl who I would propose to a year later. Now we’re getting married in January.

All this to say, if marriage and a family are a desire of yours and you’re keeping God above that desire, he will honor it. And if He doesn’t, He’s still good. I know that’s not the answer we’re looking for, but understanding that our circumstances don’t determine is goodness is an important reminder in times like these.

I’ll be praying for you. I’ve felt the pain you’re going though and it’s not fun at all. Your singleness, in this season, is a gift (even if it feels like a curse).

I am very sorry for what you experienced -- and Jesus is too. He wants healing for you so you can walk with him with your whole heart. I am in a program right now that uses this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Path-through-Wilderness-Becoming-Meant/dp/0692964231/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1548281000&sr=8-2&keywords=bob+ragan

It has homework exercises and ways to invite the Lord to show you what you need healed, how you need to forgive, etc. Family wounds are very deep (I have plenty of my own). But with a christian counselor and working through this book, I'm seeing some real healing. Please consider getting it, it's very hands on and will help more than books that I've found to be very theoretical.

​

I highly recommend getting into christian counseling. I know it's hard to face but it will help you. PM me if you want a recommendation for a good one who does sessions by Skype.

Edit: The Lord has plans to heal us!

16And he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up. And as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and he stood up to read. 17And the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written,

18“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

20And he rolled up the scroll and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on him. 21And he began to say to them, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.” Luke 4: 16

Gotchya. I started having the greatest sex with my husband 3 years into the marriage once we started counseling. I learned that sex was not only physical but it's not complete without the emotional and spiritual component. There was a book I read that helped me greatly by author Linda Dillow. It's called Intimate Issues. There are also other great resources like the podcast Java with Juli. Dr. juli Slattery talks about sex and intimacy for Christians. She has conferences and blog articles as well. I will link everything here.

https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Issues-Twenty-One-Questions-Christian/dp/0307444945.

https://www.authenticintimacy.com/podcast

not that specific but some books that have helped me in my identity and emotions and improved my life

the broken way

how to be an adult in relationships

I’ve heard the road back to you (enneagram book) is amazing

soul cravings

I don’t really read a lot of the typical christian literature, I found I can’t really relate to the women on the covers and their stories or life stages

Dr. Laura’s books might be worthwhile

also probably some good sermons on the subject

https://www.amazon.ca/Intended-Pleasure-Itpe-Dr-Wheat/dp/0800719573/ref=pd_bxgy_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0800719573&pd_rd_r=1ce36c43-c6a5-11e8-9c40-258f68d376cf&pd_rd_w=m0FCf&pd_rd_wg=vkxvY&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=A3DWYIK6Y9EEQB&pf_rd_p=cda2b2aa-f379-4b98-b5ff-b78659186dbe&pf_rd_r=HVXKPJPS5GB0F009DYFZ&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=HVXKPJPS5GB0F009DYFZ

https://www.amazon.ca/Sheet-Music-Uncovering-Intimacy-Marriage/dp/0842360247/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0842360247&pd_rd_r=8b577cac-c6a5-11e8-b5ee-af66c644a3b1&pd_rd_w=MgNxx&pd_rd_wg=aQkeV&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=A3DWYIK6Y9EEQB&pf_rd_p=cda2b2aa-f379-4b98-b5ff-b78659186dbe&pf_rd_r=AJC7WVYYSS0SGAT0Z227&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=AJC7WVYYSS0SGAT0Z227

If you want to try more things, but don't want anything too extreme these Christian authors provide a great guide for talking through these issues and godly ways to seek each other's pleasure.

It does sound like there could be other factors at play that lower your libido. You mention feeling rushed and the bed being unavailable, so I'm guessing you have young kids. Can someone else watch the kids so you could have some time to yourselves? It may seem like a small thing, but it can make a big difference.

Also if there are a lot of stressful things going on that can also lower libido.

My heart goes out to you, friend. I’m pleading the blood of Jesus over you, your wife, and your family.

My absolute favorite book, that has benefited my marriage in more ways, more times than I can count, is called “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Although the book write-up says “Building an affair-proof marriage”, the book itself is all about meeting eachother’s needs so it never gets to that point.

Lifting you all up before His throne.

Not directly relating to marriage, but:

Disciplines of a Godly Man

If you become a better man (we all have room for improvement), then you'll be a better husband & this will impact your marriage.

The standard set in the book is very high/daunting, but it shows what is possible & what we should be aiming for.

Sacred Marriage

The main idea of this book is that marriage should make you holy, not happy.

We would all do well to remember that, because he's absolutely right, from my experience (not that I've become too holy!)

that's awesome that you do that every night. I wonder if a question-based approach like the one Greg Koukl writes about in 'Tactics' would help you navigate those times when your wife is angry. You could explore her feelings while you invite her to express herself to you. Recently I've done this with a friend who gets into irrational self-hate spirals, and it seems to be by far the best way to interact with them in those situations.

Take her to prayer everyday!! I did that for my husband when he wasn't a believer (I came to my faith about 13 years into our marriage) and it was HARD. Here is a bookthat might be helfpul. Seriously...God KNOWS all of what you both are going through. His joy would be to redeem it!!

Having been in a relationship with a (so-called) Christian woman for 18 mos that in my gut felt 'forced' or 'wrong' - to a relationship with my now wife where we were so like-minded on things and it just came easy to be with her, I realized I probably wasn't listening enough to the Spirit and should have ended it long ago.

If you have to try too hard to make it work, then it's probably wrong. It should come easy and feel like hand in glove. And should be confirmed by family and trusted friends.

"I think she believes in God but does not have a relationship with him, and I don’t know that she’s too keen on trying to live by the Word." 2 years and you don't know where she is spiritually? That's enough to run for the hills - if you want a Godly spouse for life.

I'll leave you with a statement from the book "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" which I highly recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310259827

"The most miserable people in the world aren't single. They are married people who realize they've made a grave mistake."

10 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Getting Married

Read Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung. It radically changed how I think about discerning God's will. Western Christians have a very distorted view.