Reddit reviews Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques

Gillian Butler's Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness is a very helpful self-help book. It's very straight forward. She explains why social anxiety happens, and then she goes into techniques to get over it. It's helped me quite a lot!

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450275542&sr=8-1&keywords=gillian+butler+overcoming+anxiety+and+shyness

Caveat: I'm not a psychologist or a doctor. There's every reason to think that a combination of working with a therapist, psychologist or psychologist, and perhaps using some modern pharmaceutical technology can help you. But, either separately or as a part of a broader effort, be aware of a widely used and effective technique known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You can research the details yourself, but in a nutshell this is a very straightforward type of therapy that uses the (evolutionarily) newer cognitive functions of your brain to overcome seemingly uncontrollable emotional responses that are produced by the older "reptile" parts of your brain. CBT has been shown to be generally very successful at treating a range of phobias, depression, anxiety and some related disorders. It's not magic, it takes some time and certainly some effort, but it's very logical and straightforward, with no relationship to the "lie on the couch and tell me about your terrible childhood" sort of psychoanalysis.

Although I haven't read this book on CBT which is specific to social phobia:
http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1300503879&sr=1-2
I have seen the benefits of similar books on using CBT to overcome other forms of anxiety. There are many similar books available, probably some decent websites as well.

So, seek some professional help if it's at all possible, but explore CBT on your own or with a professional. It's quite possible to overcome your fears.

If you're curious about CBT's effectiveness, here's a very broad meta-analysis of its relative rates of success across a range of (non-psychotic) mental problems:
http://dunx1.irt.drexel.edu/~emf27/Lab%20Group/Publications%20and%20Presentations_files/Bulter,%20Chapman,%20Forman%20&%20Beck%20%282006%29.pdf

If you just want the bottom line, the stuff works - often as well or better than various medicines, and often with a more permanent long term effect.

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler, a self help guide using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques. Empowering and enlightening.

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, distills info from major corporations to single individuals on how habits are formed and changed. An easy read, mindblowing, very useful.

>which I've found to be super common among reddit lol

Yeah, kinda shocking, but then not really when you think about it. Your last sentence really described the last few months of my life also. Honestly I feel like these past 6 months have been the best in my life.

So for anyone reading this unhappy with your current social situation, it'll take work and it will probably
be kinda (or very) painful in the beginning, but you can grow past this roadblock and improve yourself.

These two books helped me a lot.

Well, I'm no doctor, but I've studied and practiced CBT for years. I'll link some guides and books below that are pretty good. But, essentially, CBT is all about paying attention to what you say to yourself and working to change it. What you say and think about is like a habit: you've been doing it for so long that it's become rather 'default' behavior. But, like a habit, it can be changed with enough time and work.

One of the very first steps in doing this is becoming aware of what you are saying. For example, like in the title of the post, when you call yourself a moron. Or the lines of thought, such as your friends leaving you. This is a major step because, for a lot of that self-talk, you probably aren't aware of it or your brain 'filters' it out, but it's hurting you anyways.

The next step is to start challenging what you say about yourself rationally. Try comparing them to this list. For example, when you have a fear about your friends leaving you, the first thing you should do is ask yourself why. Why would they leave you? What did you do? Then look at your answer and compare it to that list. Chances are that what you're afraid of is either unlikely or illogical. It can help a lot to write this stuff out on paper.

Another test that I like is to imagine that you're saying your 'self-talk' to someone else. Imagine you had a friend you really liked and trusted completely, they can be real or imaginary. Now imagine that friend is calling himself a moron or is saying that he's afraid his friends will leave him, or whatever self-talk you're giving yourself. Would you agree and call him a moron or say his friends will leave him (remember, you're supposed to really like this person)? I would guess probably not. It would just make him feel worse, right? What's important with this test is to realize is that that is exactly what you're telling yourself and it's making you feel just as bad.

After that, it's a game of watching what you think and doing the above until it becomes less of a problem. So when you call yourself a moron, you never let yourself get away with it. You ask yourself: why am I a moron? Why does X make me a moron? Aren't I allowed to make mistakes? Etc. Eventually, you'll start to become nicer to yourself and treat yourself like you would that good friend from above.

Feeling good by David Burns is pretty much the go-to, raw CBT book. It has a lot of worksheets and examples to help the reader. I highly recommend it, especially if you're just starting.

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler is also a good book that focuses in more on social aspects.

Most of the online guides I've seen haven't been too fantastic IMO. But they do exist. This seems like a good overview, but definitely not as interactive or comprehensive as the books are. Personally, I'd start with David Burns' book. It's probably the most tried-and-true of them all.

It sounds like you may have a problem with boundaries, which is a common symptom of social anxiety disorder. I had SAD very bad when I first left, I would literally cry in front of people, just spontaneously break out into sobs... it was not a great strategy for making friends. Some of the opinions people expressed would just upset me so much. My best friend (worldly friend that I grew up with) had an abortion when we were 18 and I just couldn't handle it. I would share very personal information to strangers and then be devastated when they didn't give me the support that I needed. If I hadn't gotten some help dealing with it it would have actually driven me back into the organization because my behaviour was so negative it would've reinforced their teachings that the 'world is bad' and 'real friends love Jehovah' by pushing people away from me.

It sounds like you could really benefit from some therapy. And if you can't afford therapy these two books really helped me. first and second. The second book is considered to be 'spiritual' but I chose not to look at it that way. It is about practicing 'mindfulness' which is really just being aware of your own internal dialogue. What is your mind telling you about yourself and the world? Sometimes figuring that out is the hardest part, and for me it vastly changed how I interact with others.

Good luck OP. You're not crazy.

There are some great resources online and even an app for self-guided CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I know with my insurance, I can even do online therapy sessions through video chat. There is a book called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Gillian Butler which helped me out too.

As far as meditation, there are lots of resources on the internet for mindfulness meditation. I've been really liking the headspace app and the first 10 introductory guided sessions are free.

For medication you obviously have to find a doctor. If they want to prescribe anything as serious as SSRIs, you should probably find a psychiatrist rather than just rely on your primary care physician. There are a lot of medications out there and it can be a pain in the butt finding one that works well for you.

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Couldn't post pictures so here's some links. This book saved me.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0465005454/ref=ppx_yo_mob_b_inactive_ship_o0_img?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I have the second edition

Learn some cognitive behavioral techniques. The key to it is to question these thoughts 24/7. If you let these automatic thoughts run freely, they'll never change. You have to get a notebook and use the double column technique, identify the distortions and deliver alternative thoughts. Do that for 15 minutes every day for 4 weeks and your anxiety will have dropped a lot. There are many books that describe the techniques (like this or this). CBT works, you just have to stick with it and do it every day.

Some people will tell you "just don't care about what others think about you! Stop giving a shit!".

However, you can't do that. You evolved to be a social animal. You evolved to do your best to fit into a society. Our ancestors who didn't try to fit into the group likely died. You evolved to give some concern to what others think about you.

What you can do though: stop guessing what other people think about you. Do you actually know what they think about you? How can you be sure?

Here's a great book that I push on Reddit because it helped me so much: LINK. It calls guessing at what other people think about you "mind reading". It encourages you to realize that you really have no idea what others are thinking about you. You can guess, but you'll likely be wrong most of the time anyway, so it's best if you just avoid doing it.

TL;DR: Don't try to stop caring; that's impossible. Try to stop guessing because you suck at guessing.

> how does one improve social skills?

Reading some books on how to deal with social anxiety may help. This one has pretty good recommendations. Mark Manson also has an easy to read book.

For myself, I enjoy stoic literature. It's good to know that even during times of hell, you can still find some inner peace in your mind. The point of stoicism isn't to imagine that bad things don't happen, but that you are much more capable of dealing with terrible situations than you would otherwise think.

Definitely! I bought this a while back, mainly because I liked its practical (clinical) approach based on using CBT in conjunction with exposure

Coincidentally, I decided my first exposure was to pay for the book at the bookstore counter instead of order it off amazon B)

I've overcome 95% of my SA, and although I can't say for sure that it was this, I'm almost positive this book did it ("almost positive" because I've not really done anything else to sort my anxiety out)...

Amazon US: http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/

Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Gillian/dp/1849010005/

The marketing does seem a little scammy, I guess, but the content is good. Again, I highly recommend it.

But, if you're too hesitant, this looks like a good book as well. I honestly haven't finished reading it yet, but it seems solid.

And you say you'll try anything... well... have you tried therapy?

I feel you mate. Best advice I can give is to /move/ on. Never obsess over a girl, that's the worst thing you can do.

I've been listening to a podcast called Shrink for the Shy Guy and it has really helped me out. Also, I've been reading this book but haven't continued it oh the irony. Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques.

First thing you have to do is not give a fuck and change your mentality to: "Will this person remember about this in a weeks/months/years time?".

does the cover look like this https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465005454/ or this https://www.amazon.com/dp/1849010005/ ?

Cara, eu sofri bastante com isso que você tá vivendo e eu diria que é um dos motivos de eu ter passado tantos anos depressivo, mas com o tempo eu aprendi a lidar com a famigerada social anxiety e o overthinking (usei termos em inglês, pois eu os acho mais completos). Hoje eu sou uma pessoa sociável, consigo sentar e conversar numa boa sem me sentir desconfortável, ainda tenho um longo caminho pela frente, mas essa pequena melhora já me rendeu bons frutos.

Eu não usei nenhum material muito específico e se eu fosse escrever várias dicas o post ficaria gigantesco, então vou te dar os first steps de por onde começar, e lembre-se É TUDO COISA DA SUA CABEÇA, SEMPRE.

Livros:

Meu favorito

Esse também é bom

You're in luck! I have books for that!

Here's a good book on basic communication between men and women in relationships.

And if you're interested in the psychology and neurology behind how we develop our relationship to love in general, try this on for size.

Whether you have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder or are just shy, this may help with some skill building. (In fact, just about any good book on social anxiety, as well as skill building for people on the autism spectrum, can be helpful even for people who are more psychologically middle of the road.)

And, not a book but a webpage, some good tips on dating in a more healthy manner. Note the first one especially in the context of our discussion on the seduction community.

You could always buy a book on the subject.

Like this or this

uff a lot...there is no one specific but rather a whole body of research!

What I can recommend if you want to get into the research of this start reading books like this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1412775284&sr=8-2&keywords=social+anxiety

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness is an excellent book that's helped me a ton with my anxiety issues. Shit, I actually have an extra copy (accidentally ordered it twice), if you're interested I can mail it to you.

I'd look for social anxiety support groups, especially ones that do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or a good psychiatrist if you can afford it. This book was really great in helping me understand SA.

Start by just researching the subject. The more you know, the easier it is to overcome.

I actually have a different set of advice. I actually think you are suffering from Social Anxiety and it is causing you to fall into a depressive state. Your inner monologue brings you into your negative past / thought train, because it actually governs how you presently behave Defensively, you probably want to be very social, you probably want to be seen in the spotlight, but internally your self loathing / negative thought cycle takes the wheel.

I am going to recommend you acquire this book: http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_lmf_tit_2

AND also I recommend you watch TED talks about Social Anxiety and spend a good deal of time reading about it.

Based on everything you've described you are like 80% to have it.

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness is excellent.

Check this book out https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Behavioral/dp/0465005454

It helped my brother a lot.

You have to work on you first before you can find and make an "us" work.

Good luck.