Reddit reviews The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

Ooh raises hand I can answer this one! Good on you for recognizing there's a difference!

I asked here a few days ago about assertiveness training. Didn't get many replies but I searched for books to order and I've found two that have blown me away! Seriously! I'm already changing my behavior for the better. The books are: "The Assertiveness Workbook" by Dr. Randy Paterson and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Both cheap and easy to find on ebay.

I'm still waiting for the 2nd book but I've only had The Assertiveness Workbook a few days and already Im applying what I've learned. EXAMPLE: (I'm a nurse) Just last night at work a doctor started yelling at me on the phone for something completely out of my control. Instead of feeling flustered like I normally do I was able to calmly assert myself and get the patient what they needed. It was awesome!

For some immediate techniques to practice search Google and YouTube on: how to be assertive, fogging, negative assertion, negative inquiry, broken record. And read the reviews for those 2 books. Many reviewers explain techniques in the book.

Good luck! I'm learning assertiveness is not a case of "the have's" and "the have not's" It can be learned.

edit: added hyperlinks

yes.

 

IMHO 'too nice' is when you put other peoples priorities and happiness ahead of your own. IMHO this has more going on than just being 'passive aggressive'. Perhaps fear, sense of self worth, not knowing how to ask, not knowing what you need with and yes, being passive aggressive.

 

You should never stop being nice. Just start believing your needs and desires are just as important as everybody else. And ask and expect them to be met. But you need to step up and ask for them. And that's not being aggressive, that's being assertive.

 

The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships

 

Affirmations For Being Assertive

 

And there are affirmations apps for you phone.


 

And this is an important change to your entire life, not just your romantic relationships. Take care of yourself first and things have a way of falling in line. But you're just as important as everybody else. The world needs nice people, we balance out the equation IMHO :)

 

edit: and I came across someone who was clearly working on this, as he stepped up and engaged me (blind-siding me). He seemed kinda uncomfortable and his wording was forced, but I got what he was trying to do. If I hadn't been so surprised I would've given him a fist-bump. I'm sure he'll get the hang of it.

Read that book to start - it will help understand the core of the issue in a way that I simply cannot do justice to. After that, the most helpful advice I can offer is to purchase a book on being assertive. I bought "The Assertiveness Workbook". Those two in succession helped me more than anything else.

The most helpful thing for me was to read them, then read them a second time, but not act on anything in an overt manner at home until I had thoroughly ingested and assimilated all the info. I did practice at work, while out and about, etc.

It sounds like you are a very passive person. This is an issue that I have become aware of with my own behavior, and I am working to adress it. I HIGHLY reccomend this book about assertiveness.

I don't know your background, but a conservative christian environment certainly rewards and even enforces passive behavior.

Don't think that you are faulty person or something like that. Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and cultivated. I have already noticed a big change in my life just from becoming aware of passive behaviors that I was defaulting to without even realizing it and working to counter them.

Yes, absolutely, and I went through The Assertiveness Workbook with my psychologist.

Becoming more assertive helped me a lot. Before it sometimes didn't even occur to me that I could just say no without the sky falling. It was actually a major part of my therapy even though I went there due to drug abuse, major depression and anxiety.

There are lots of tips and tricks online, but if you're interested in reading a book on assertiveness, this one has a great research base behind it and is relatively inexpensive.

thank you so much for your comments really insightful and I can see how your sensitivity accentuates and shows in your writing.

I've had a similar situation, I can better deal with my mom now and learned to be more assertive though I can alternate between passive and aggressive communication. It was walking on egg shells with my father as he has an abusive personality and unstable emotion.

with friends that are similarly aggressive, for some reason I have more difficulty with, could be a comfort thing

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if anyone wants to learn more about assertiveness I would recommend checking out Randy J Paterson's - The Assertiveness Workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572242094/

or check out these free sources for CBT tailored self therapy guides

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51 (assertiveness guide)

Jos aihe kiinnostaa niin tästä kirjasta voi olla apua. Yksin ei silti kannata jäädä noita ongelmia vatvomaan pelkän selfhelp opuksen turvin. Terapeutin avulla saa paljon tehokkaampia tuloksia.

Books are good, but action is better. why not use both to work on your assertiveness skills? dont just read it, force yourself to practice the exercises in real life. Your world will change in a few weeks.

http://www.amazon.com/Assertiveness-Workbook-Express-Yourself-Relationships/dp/1572242094

Check out this video on how to be more aggressive.

Also, there's an area between passive, and aggressive. This is where assertiveness lies. There's a good book on the topic with actionable items: The Assertiveness Workbook. Have a look at that as well, as it may be useful.

I've heard 'What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't" by Dr. Novotni get recommended at least once on this sub, and saved it for later consideration/purchase. It is a social skills book specifically designed for adults with ADHD. Haven't read it yet, so I can't personally speak to it beyond to it being exactly about this topic, and liking the title.

I am sure there are also other social skills books that might not be specifically geared to ADHDers that would be good -- maybe even better?

I was scanning some papers I still had laying around, and that included some copies of chapters from two separate books that I remember thinking of as being potentially great resources. The first one is 'The Assertiveness Workbook' by Dr. Paterson -- which I suspect would be targeted more towards social anxiety, but might be helpful in that it would be explicit about how to assert yourself without being too submissive or too aggressive. Though, a potential drawback is that it might assume basic social skills -- though it might not, given that social anxiety would potentially cause one to doubt their understanding of social skills, thus making a review of social skills more defensible. The other was 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by Burns, a psychiatrist, specifically a chapter on "five secrets of intimate communication" -- I am not sure that would be worth buying the whole book or not, but the chapter looked good to me.

Note, I linked to Amazon on all books because it is a fairly standard, mainstream place for reviewing and purchasing books via the internet, and because it often includes previews of books -- it might be worth googling any one of these titles if any of them seem interesting enough. The lattermost one, for instance, is from the 1980s, so I am not sure what else you could find on it at little-to-no cost, and certainly local libraries may have one or more of these in stock as well. I was surprised to find my college library has some workbooks online for unlimited viewing (though limited copying/saving) through their website.

Hope this helps!

Funny - I went through a similar transition when I was only a year or two younger than you.

What you need is a goal outside of your relationship - a driving force for yourself and your career, dreams about what kind of kickass life you want to be living, ideas on where you want to travel and live, and plans to make those things happen. You need to be fearless about deciding what you want in life, and all the assertiveness, confidence, and self-reliance that are inherent in womanhood will come as a result of that.

You need to think long and hard about what you want out of life, and then decide to make it happen. Nothing is too grandiose - do you want to live in the South of France? It can happen. Do you want to eventually own your own company? It can happen. The luxury of your age is that you have time to make these things happen.

To me, being a "woman" means you don't give a shit what other people think about you because you've got your goals and desires figures out (but you are still kind and polite). It means that you're life isn't dictated by fear - and it means that you are self-reliant. Therefore, any man, any career choice, any group of friends that comes into your life is evaluated by you according to whether it brings good or bad to the table for you. You don't settle for anything out of convenience.

It comes down to assertiveness, confidence, and a willingness to shamelessly ask for what you want. You already sound intelligent, you just need to learn to be stronger; with strength, you gain sex appeal. Lots of it. All of a sudden, you're a hot item, because you need to be won, you don't seem to just settle for whatever comes your way.

Know your value, know your worth. I can guarantee you it's much higher than you think right now.

Regarding your partner: if you want to still be with him, do so, but it would be a red flag for me if I hadn't had sex for months with my BF - especially at 25. Why spin your wheels at your age with someone who isn't setting you on fire with excitement? I'll tell you why: because you're afraid to leave him.

Don't live your life out of fear. Ever. Dive in full-on, take risks, and push yourself to keep growing.

Read this ridiculous book: Why Men Love B*****s - just get it! It's great, it summarizes the idea of being kind, but also prioritizing yourself first.

Read and complete the exercises in this book: The Assertiveness Workbook - a wonderful, scientifically backed-up personal course in being more assertive.

Read this great book: The Defining Decade

Get better at socializing: How to Win Friends and Influence People

In terms of motivational books to figure out what you want to do with your life? Jesus - there's too many good ones out there. Google any list of "top motivational books", "books about planning life" etc. To start - the books Willpower and Grit were useful for me.

Additionally, there's Brene Brown for a softer approach to finding what you're about as a human being. Braving the Wilderness is a great pick - and for something a bit more direct, read Unfu*k Yourself.

This is going to sound nuts, but read all of these. If you play videogames, stop. If you spend too much time on reddit, stop. Read to pass your time now, and keep growing. These books will help you learn to be strong, sexy, and give you control over your life.

I see two things here, your mother keeping you artificially dependent, which as result isn't good for your self esteem which as a result influences your relationship with your friends and boyfriend.

Now, the same interest and nothing to talk about thing can be learned with books like this for example.

As for your mother interfering the way she does, you will have to learn how to assert your boundaries. There are books for that,too

This is a really important phase in your life, if you hang in there now you can avert a lot of unhappiness in the future.

Not that it's going to be easy, when family members decide to change it upsets the whole family because they can't count on your assigned role anymore, whatever that might be in your case. There will be resistance, but it's worth it.

Until you can see a pro, how about a self-help book? They're cheesy, but out of the cheese, there's usually a message or two that can really help. I've read a few to help me with my very irritating mental illness and while there's a lot of eye-rolling as I read, there's also quite a bit of 'hmm, that's a good idea.' Stuff like this is available on Amazon.

i think you may be too passive and are perhaps not as assertive... he's basically walking all over you. find ways to be more assertive and take control of your life... this book might help.