(Part 3) Top products from r/BDSMcommunity

Ok, that's better.

First, don't put too much weight on yourself. The fact that she cannot have an orgasm with you right now doesn't necessarily mean that you suck (ha !) at sex. That's what i feel from your post, so don't. Maybe she's not too sure about her fantasies, feel guilty of having those, or anything. From what i know of woman, if you put some guilt, self doubt, image issue whatever in the mix, and you can block the whole thing. So be supportive, listen to her, reassure her but you need to relax on her inability to orgasm yet. Most of the time, trust and comfort will help her relax and be more in sync with you. Maybe some woman could give you more insight on that point.

For the mental part. Think of BDSM like a play with characters. Imagine the man who symbolize for you the ideal dominant (mine is robert downey jr by example) and take that as a role model. What would he do, what would he say, his posture, his look etc ... BDSM is a lot about how you project things and how other perceive that. So first rule, if you doubt of your dominance, other will feel it. When a dom order his sub, he doesn't let her have any other choice but to obey. What can helps you with that (at least it helped me) is think one move ahead, you'll seem assertive because your order will feel like one small part of something bigger. Imagine a boss telling you to finish the report for Monday and put it on his desk first hour. There is no negotiation, and doesn't have any interest in the fact you have tennis that day, the only thing he cares about is if you understood correctly what he wants. Some wisdom from the joker "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying". Basically, if you seems to know what you do, people who trust you will follow. Be casual when you order your sub around, screaming sound like overcompensation when people don't listen to you. When I order my sub around, i talk slowly and calmly. I know that' she's listening, so i just explain to her what's going to happen.

Now for the expectation part. I was in the same place as you some years ago. My sub was very experienced (several years with a Master with decades of experience) and I was very inexperienced. First step, accept that you're inexperienced. You're not broken or whatever, you just don't know yet. It's ok. If you have a good communication, she already know that maybe you'll be awkward, clumsy, breaking character the first time, again it's ok. Don't worry about it. Things became awkward when you let them be awkward. One time i remember, i was pouring hot wax on her, all domy and stuff, I move her on the table to change position, and i put the candle on the table. The only thing that could have happened, happened. The candle fell on my foot, and you bet your ass I screamed and run like a little girl across the room... I was just surprised and honestly lots of anxiety didn't help. We stopped, had a good laugh, a good fuck and just went to sleep. Did that event hurt in any way our relationship ? Not at all, actually it's good and fun memories. So don't worry, screwing up isn't an option, what you can choose is how you decide to own your mistakes. Furthermore, you have to remember that we talk about sexual stuff here, sex is fun, if you don't have fun, you're doing something wrong.

i can guarantee you that a simple slap across the face (again discuss that before) or a simple over the knee spanking with the right attitude, look, voice and all will have ten times more effects than trying to act a very complex suspension scene you're not familiar with. So stay "in your league" and advance slowly, one step at the time. Going slow will also allow you to build a dominant character because it doesn't happen overnight. What makes all the BDSM plays possible can be reduced at how credible your character is. There are lots of dom archetypes, some are nice, some are mean, other have high protocol, other are more casual, some are more physical, other more mental and psychological. You need to find the one you want to be, and start to act (in play of course) like him. Your final dynamic is the mix of your wants and her needs and wants. There is no two person on earth who will enjoy an identical set of kinks. Just imagine, a checklist have hundred of entry each can be noted from 0 to 5 for how much you enjoy it and 0 to 5 for how difficult is that for you. That's an infinite amount of possible combinations. So every relationship need to negotiate all the time, to find a common ground. That's why we value communication so much and advice new comers to first establish an open, clear and non judgmental like of communication. Lots of people think they have an unbiased and perfect communication, but when you think that's the case, it's just the start really. Those level of communication need a very high level of trust in your partner.

To summarize :

• Talk to her, never assume
  
• Accept that you're learning
  
• Relax on her inability to cum with you. You'll see how that goes when you introduce new concept in your relationship with her.
  
• Spank that ass with your hand and your mind ! =)
  
  Now some homework !
  
  Read that. Maybe not especially for you but i give the link to all new dom, so ...
  
  BDSM checklist for her. Something that could help with shy people is make them write a fantasy. Writing can help express thing you cannot say out loud (for your con non-con suspicion)
  
  There are several books linked in the resource section of /r/bdsmfaq . Screw the roses, send me the thorns is one of my favorite.
  
  For the mental aspect, you can read the Control Book by Masters. Also the New topping (and bottoming) book. In terms of books about psychological aspect of BDSM you have a very wide range of available book because you can learn from dog traning book to old "Good wife guide" kind of book (for 50's household), field manual for prisoners interrogation (i'm into interrogation play). Magic tricks book (for mindfuck). It really depends on what play you're interested in.
  
  Take care, and have fun.

I had no idea I liked BDSM until I hooked up with a kinky sub boy. At first I was feeling rather, "Well, shit, what the hell am I supposed to do now? You want me to do what to your who now?"

But the more I practiced, and the more I read, the more comfortable and exciting it became. It's not just about whips and chains and crazy underwear; it's also about comfort and safety, surrender and control, a deep and intimate kind of trust, a love for the body and for the creativity of exploring it in new and different ways, and an ability to confront the unknown with the assurance that we will be cared for.

When I dom, I cherish my sub. They are giving me a huge trust: the safety of their body and the assurance of their pleasure, and I take that very seriously. My main aim is to keep them safe, in every way, at all times, even if I am "using" them. Safe, sane and consensual! A good dom is not going to take you "too far," and your description of your partner makes her sound like a very caring dom who will ease you in comfortably.

When I sub, I give myself over to my partner completely--within the bounds of my comfort, of course. I know that I can use my "Yellow Light" words or "Red Light" words if I'm uncomfortable with what's happening or if something seems dangerous. I know that someone else is taking care of my whole person, and that can be incredibly freeing. Knowing that I'm being a perfect vessel to receive my partner's desires is also an incredible feeling.

The books that I read that really made things crystallize for me were Jack Rinella's work, specifically The Master's Manual and The Compleat Slave; and Christina Abernathy's compilation.

/u/fad_gadget89 is dead on, but there's also something really important here - there is no one true way to do this! A training program created by someone else is more than likely going to promote their ways of doing things, which may or may not be yours. Do you want your sub to be chatty or quiet? Bratty or obedient? A skilled cook or do you enjoy being in the kitchen? Should they know how to care for leather or do you not even own a pair of boots?

If you really want help with developing a training program, looking at books like Erotic Slavehood, Real Service or even some of the books by Bob Rubel which outline very specific protocols for a few different types of dynamics.

You could also investigate things like MTTA, which is a weekend intensive designed to explore this stuff. I've never done that program, but know folks who have. It tends to be as much learning about yourself as it is learning how to submit or particular skills.

I compiled a list of some of my favorites for my TNG group. Which I'll past here, hopefully the formatting is right.

Ties that Bind
A very easy to read collection of essays about BDSM, Leather and relationships. There is a lot of good general advice in this book and a lot about Leather. If your interested in Leather and incorporating BDSM into a relationship. I would recommend this book.

Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices
Probably one of my favorite books, this is all about Master/slavery and what those words and that type of relationship mean. Keep in mind that this is just one of many different ways to do M/s and this book is just one of many. If your interested in Master/slave relationships I highly recommend this. (Note: This is the updated version which I haven't read. But I really enjoyed the original.)

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools
A book about slavery from a slave's perspective. Very easy to read and very informative. I highly recommend anyone interested in dominance or submission. Especially people who are interested in being a slave.

Hell on Wheels:Disabled Dominants
Mastering Mind: Dominants with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
Kneeling in Spirit:Disabled Submissives
Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
Master Raven Kaldera's series on Dominance and Submission with Mental Illness and physical disabilities.

Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path
Another book by Master Raven Kaldera (all of his books should probably be on this list. Spirtuality and BDSM are usually not discussed a lot and this book goes into a lot of ways that BDSM can be used in Pagan/spiritual practices. I found this book very enjoyable

I’ve played around with it a little, but I have a few friends who are super entrenched in the erotic hypnosis scene. They’ll commonly refer to the book, Mind Play, as the best printed resource for learning about it.

You could also check out EH conventions like Mindquake, Charmed, Entranced, and Neehu (there are probably more but those are just the ones I’ve heard people talk about) to attend classes and workshops. Dark Odyssey typically has one or two EH classes as well.

There is a really great book called Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic. It will be a great read for you.

I know many who are D/s or M/s with non primary partners. The biggest struggle is typically making time for the dynamic. As I am sure you are all too familiar, while love is infinite, time certainly is not. For us, for instance, our schedule doesn't allow enough time to have both this intense M/s dynamic as well as explore other relationships. We've tried. One of those two things always ends up taking a back seat which isn't good or fair to anybody involved.

If you can find a way to make it work for you all, mad props and go enjoy having fun!

Are you participating in your local community, either the poly community or MAsT for instance? It's a great way to have those conversations with others doing something similar.

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Circuits-Polyamory-Dynamic/dp/0982879415

Sounds hot :)

(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.

It started in high school. I was a huge Anne Rice fan and after reading all of her Vampire and Witch books, I stumbled across her Sleeping Beauty series.

I was instantly hooked and better yet, I had an older boyfriend that was more then willing to play little spanking, light bondage games with me. I always wanted to go farther and farther, but he was a little reserved. I think he was afraid of leaving marks on me, and rightly so.. (there were 6 years between us, when we started seeing each other he was 21, I was 15)

Around 19 and 20 I had very torrid affairs with two much older women, both extremely aggressive. From their things just snowballed... I had a few lovers, a few long term relationships, all lacking in something Before I knew it I was actively searching out dominants and submissives online. I took two lovers: One was a local submissive man. One was a long distance dom.

The submissive man was supposed to let me get my dominant sadistic side out, before I would pack up to live with the dom. He was disposable and I was mean as fuck. I was also his first experience with BDSM. I remember telling him "Don't be so stupid as to fall in love with me. I am leaving in a few months".

Two things happened. Can you guess? I fell in love with my disposable play toy and married him. Long distance dom and I ended badly - I think the last thing I said to him was "don't tell me what to do". Ha!

So years later, here I am. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

This isn't a scenario, but for new people I always like to recommend the book Extreme Space: the Domination and Submission Handbook by F.R.R. Mallory (heres an amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Extreme-Space-Domination-Submission-Handbook/dp/1893006484)

It's a fantastic resource for getting to know about yourself and your intentions within kink, and how to channel those best :)

This isn't trouble! There is nothing wrong with you! Most women do not come from vaginal penetration alone. You are not defective! (And it's possible some of those other women were faking orgasm, which is a thing some women do, you know?)

I'm sure you all can have a lot of fun exploring this, but it needs to start from loving yourself, and your husband loving you, not from a place of thinking there's something wrong with you.

A few books that might help you learn to love your body and your sexuality:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier

It sounds like you might form "anxious" attachments to people. I do too! I hate it, but it's not something you can just turn off, otherwise neither of us would put ourselves through all the unhappiness that comes with it. However, I can offer you some resources for learning more about attachment theory.

One of my favorite bloggers, Dr. Emily Nagoski, has written a bit about attachment. Here's a good starting point on her blog: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/

Also, because I feel my anxious attachment style is holding me back, I just started reading this book (not an affiliate link). I picked it up from my city's library, and it's really interesting so far. I can't vouch for its ability to help me or others who don't form secure attachments, but it's been recommended to me by multiple people.

This is from my experience as a sub within an already established marriage. I have always had a hard time orgasming, and overall had a rough relationship with my sexuality, low libido, and a lot of anxiety about satisfying my husband. After a few health changes over the last few years, things got better in those departments and one thing we found works pretty well is for me to masturbate for him. As we began to integrate D/s into our sex life (which also helps my anxiety greatly for several reasons), he tells me when he wants me to make myself orgasm, which I can now fairly reliably do. Another thing that has helped is his genuine acceptance of my telling him that pleasing him makes me very very happy and I truly don't fret about orgasming for myself within the context of our sexual experience.

Also, check out Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are. It helped me learn a lot about anxiety, drive, and inhibition.

If you don't think you know how to do it properly, you need to tell her a head of time, and talk about how to proceed. Maybe make it a practice before you get deep into a scene. You can always focus on the other kinky stuff that you feel more confident about. Explore safely, sanely and consensually. And means being honest about your skill level.

There are a lot of books out there.
https://www.amazon.com/Shibari-You-Can-Use-Japanese-ebook/dp/B00S46RMNK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=shibari+ebook&qid=1572969064&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Knotty-Showing-Ropes-Step-Step/dp/193116049X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=shibari+books&qid=1572969143&sprefix=shibari+book&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-1-Douglas-Kent/dp/0973668814/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3/191-1189122-4871707?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0973668814&pd_rd_r=3406f48b-63f6-4e69-9654-39f9dc5dd2ea&pd_rd_w=W7vb5&pd_rd_wg=cRP8r&pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&pf_rd_r=7DX6V5JHWKR1S99KCEQ1&psc=1&refRID=7DX6V5JHWKR1S99KCEQ1

Be safe and have fun

I personally Love the Kushiel series as Burndog suggested. It's a really awesome story and has hot kink to boot.

If you are more interested in erotica, try Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice

• Vet Wrap (like bondage tape, but more breathable and flexible)
  
  
• Bondage Tape
  
  
• High-quality cotton rope
  
  
• Spreader bar with removable cuffs
  
  
• Breeder bar
  
  
• Low-temperature candles for hot wax play (great for sensory deprivation scenes!)
  
  
• Adjustable silicone (tasteless!) ball gag (no nasty latex/rubber taste, yuck)
  
  
• Cute, glittery butt candy
  
  
• Japanese clover clamps
  
  
• 10-speed off-brand Hitachi wand
  
  Just some examples of good purchases for cheap. You're better off buying toys like cuffs, collars, impact toys, etc. from specialty shops, preferable in person, but these are some good all-around useful toys that you don't need to break the bank on.
  
  EDIT I can't believe I didn't think of this, but LUBE! If you go through lube like crazy (I do) it's better to buy in bulk from Amazon and a lot less embarrassing than going through the check out at Walmart with a cart full of Astroglide.

Some good rope bondage resources I like -


Two Knotty Boys


Twisted Monk


The Duchy


Crash Restraint


If this is something you're really interested in and you don't mind spending some money on it, Shibari You Can Use and its sequel are good books to have on hand.


There's also /r/ropetutorials, but it seems like it's mostly people asking for help. I think there are some actual tutorials there if you dig enough though.

To add on, I'm sorry this happened and yes you did move too fast, its good you are in therapy. He fucked up too especially trying anal when he was falling out of the relationship because as you say that took a lot of trust. You can heal from this loss though.

Its not the same thing but I have a physical disability from birth. I went from knowing nothing about BDSM at the start of this year to currently planning for my first party at Halloween. Just search this subreddit for "Walker Freak" and you'll see my progress in my posts. While working on yourself and reconciling this part of your identity look up sub frenzy and try and keep your excitement at BDSM in check. Do what I did and join munches for platonic friends.

I know of 2 books that deal with BDSM and mental conditions by Raven Kaledra. I read two of his other books on BDSM and physical disabilities; one for subs and one for Doms. Each book is half dedicated to stories of able-bodied partners which was invaluable for me to see the other side. Hell on Wheels for Disabled Dominants and Kneeling in Spirit for Disabled Subs. The neurological & BDSM books are Mastering Mind for Doms and Broken Toys for subs. That last title may sound offensive but the content of the books I read was very real, heartfelt and helpful. I'll link you Mastering Mind and Broken Toys if you want. https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Mind-Dominants-Neurological-Dysfunction/dp/0990544109

https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Toys-Submissives-Neurological-Dysfunction-ebook/dp/B013PQCP08

Kink and disability/depression can coexist and coexist well, but they both have to be acknowledged and breathe the same air.

If you have any other questions just reply here.

My wife and I are poly and in a 24/7 dynamic.

I would recommend reading Power Circuits: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Circuits-Polyamory-Dynamic/dp/0982879415

It talks a lot about different dynamics, how to resolve conflict, and how to communicate openly and honestly within a power dynamic when you're poly.

I have a pair of Bongers that I use just for this purpose. They are somewhat more forgiving than a hard rubber mallet, but still give a good thumpy feel. Treat it with the caution that you would with any impact play.

Edit: I should also note I bought my set for less then $10 at a local Asian grocer.

I checked SocietyofJanus listing to make sure I didn't duplicate. One thing I would say is, don't jump over the LGBQ section, books there are excellent for those that may not identify in that way, just apply the appropriate pronouns and many of the concepts are still very valid.

If you haven't read anything yet, I suggest "The Loving Dominant" as a jumping off place.

I'll add some that I have come across in my journey that are not listed that come to mind.

Extreme Space: The Domination and Submission Handbook

Devil In The Details I - The Art of Mastery - A Mentoring Trilogy: Volume I "The Master - The Slave - The Power" - I'd say get the whole trilogy. This is written for the Dominant partner, not the submissive.

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/product-description/1585429139

It's cheap, a short easy read, and has a lot of very helpful practical tips to help you and your partner deal better with anxiety and abandonment issues. My therapist recommended it to me.

I'll just add an echo.

r/EroticHypnosis

Mind Play - A Guide to Erotic Hypnois by Mark Wiseman

​

There are a number of erotic hypnosis groups on Fetlife. Which is a route to finding events near you.

For books I also like to recommend:

Monsters and Magical Sticks. There's no such thing as Hypnosis by Steven Heller

Trance-Formations Neuro Lingustic Programming and the Structure of Hypnosis by Richard Bandler & John Grinder

Specifically the Exercises I, II and III :)

​

These!!

Bongers Massage Tool - 1 Pair in Blissful Blue https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0007DHMVK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_tOSzxbJR71DG5

I have a set and they're fantastic for massage, entirely thuddy, and very low noise.

Well its mineral oil which is (as far as I understand it) one of the better things to use because unlike natural oil it can't go rancid...

(Source)

> Wartenberg Wheel

What do you mean by expensive? You can find a basic one on Amazon for like $4. lol

This one is really popular, as well as it's sequel.

"Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back"

Apparently I should buy that book. Thank you internet stranger!

It's very exciting, isn't it? It's almost NRE (New Relationship Energy) to begin a relationship anew. I've been through the same journey - most of us here have. If someone had told me a year ago that I like pain, I'd have thought them bonkers - now I love it.

The first thing to say is that no activity, consented to by informed adults, causing no permanent harm, is the business of anyone else other than you and your partner. There's no need for fear or shame. Also that spanking is, frankly, extremely, extremely common among non-scene people. It's entirely normal.

There's a saying "It's only kinky the first time". You might even find that after a month, or 20 years, of introducing spanking into your love life, that you turn round one day and go "Meh, we've done that now". And it won't even seem kinky.

As long as you communicate your needs to your partner, and he's happy to do this with you, then just go for it.

If you want to look further into BDSM as a sub, you might find The New Bottoming Book helpful, and The Submissive Guide - (a massive resource, generally) also has lots of good info on spanking.

There are lots of ways to be spanked, either simply for the enjoyment of pain, or for the eroticism. Obviously there's the option of feeling totally out of control and in pleasant agony from heavy, irregular spanking. But for some women, a constant, unchanging, medium-intensity spank for a long period low on the buttocks can bring orgasm from the impact alone.

> Some sort of trick to get them to put on restraints in a believable way. "It's a strength-test" or something.

The obvious choice would seem to be resistance bands, which are sold both as a fitness item and a bondage toy. They usually come with ankle and wrist straps (usually, when they're being sold for isometric exercises; always, when they're being sold as a sex toy).

Love the scenario, by the way. Admittedly cliché, in gay porn terms, but the classics become cliché because they're so much loved, after all.

Yep:

https://www.amazon.com/Essence-Shibari-Kinbaku-Japanese-Bondage/dp/1942733852/

https://www.amazon.com/Shibari-You-Can-Use-Japanese/dp/0977872726/

https://www.amazon.com/dp/193116049X/

Do you have the controller?

http://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ/ref=sr_1_11

Gives you a LOT more control.

Not to mention the several dozen attachments for it.

The company now makes something that doesn't require home electronics. http://www.amazon.com/Wand-Massager-Speed-Controller-Hitachi/dp/B001TJ6MWQ

I'd take that over a homebrew switch any day. I want something to be electrifying in the rhetorical sense.

Check out Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are for some really insightful information about the differences between physical and mental arousal in female bodied people.

http://www.amazon.com/BDSM-Candles-Temperature-Sensual-Candle/dp/B00AT97O1K/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Try this out.

https://www.amazon.com/Paradigms-Power-Styles-Master-Relationships/dp/0982879490/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=paradigms+of+power&qid=1563916274&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

The e-book is less than $4.

I'm a proponent of flexible rubber tubing - for example, exercise bands or pull up bands - very, very stingy, and they won't break the skin. Pretty colors, and you won't break them. Also, they multitask! Nothing more fun than some flagellation after a workout...especially a forced workout.

I would recommend something like this for hot wax play. The wax won't gather in a pool like with tea lights, and these are made from a soft wax with a low melting point, which means you'll get the heat but none of the possible damage. It's not the pain that's the problem, it's what the wax can do to you. (Hence why no beeswax.)