(Part 2) Top products from r/Codependency

\> I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.

I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.


While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?

I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.

Wishing the best in your healing.

Don't have a "story" (like this) to tell, but do know The Way Out (after 26 years in CoDA):

1. CoDA's Patterns & Characteristics;
   
   
2. The Five Stages of Recovery to see were one is in them;
   
   
3. Sternberg's nine types of love;
   
   
4. This article on an existential out-of-the-box view of romantic love;
   
   
5. CoDA meetings;
   
   
6. This article further quoting a young Krishnamurti on being alone vs. being lonely;
   
   
7. The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing so that one is able to continue to see what is going on and know what to do about it;
   
   
8. Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" CD or MP3, listening carefully while reading the lyrics;
   
   
9. Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance;
   
   
10. Anne Wilson Schaef's Escape from Intimacy on the same topic;
    
    
11. Barry & Jane Weinhold's Flight from Intimacy on the same topic;
    
    
12. DBT's "FAST" boundary-setting skills group.
    
    To which I will add this article because most of the codependents I have know who went through situations similar to what you have described came from families that operate like small cults.

Then you can afford therapy, which was one of your concerns. Most therapists are willing to negotiate a lower fee if you are a college student, unemployed, or without insurance.

It is wise to be careful about which therapist to see. Finding a good therapist is hard. A big mistake that I kept making was going to the first therapist that was close to me and had an opening for an intake. Don't do this!! I wasted years doing this, because I ended up feeling guilty about leaving a therapist when things were not working out. My guilty response here was very codependent.

You want to research therapists online and find one that looks like a good match. You can google "codependency therapists" along with your local city to see which therapists are available. You can also use psychology today:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?&city=New+York&state=NY&spec=503

Codependency is very common, and there are therapists that treat it in almost any major city. It might also be helpful to find a therapist who has treated BPD patients since you said your mom was BPD, like mine. These therapists would have a much better idea of what you have been through. Here is a book that helped me:

http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

Good luck!

\> So what's your opinion on things like meditation and talking therapy such as CBT?

My understanding is that CBT sort of works, in the same way twelve step programs sort of work. As in, it doesn't actually solve your problem but gives you some skills to cope with it better. Which is of course way better than nothing, but I've seen no compelling evidence that you can somehow CBT/meditate/release/process the trauma away for good.

\> Am i correct in thinking that what you are saying is that personal disorders such as codependancy is more likely to be inherited and not learned? If so I'm still not sure why that could mean therapy might not work?

We don't know, but there is overwhelming evidence that most of these disorders (along with other human behavior) are heritable. A good popular overview of this is this book: https://www.amazon.com/Blank-Slate-Modern-Denial-Nature/dp/0142003344/.

I am not giving medical advice, and you should certainly follow the treatment plan outlined by experts that you feel works for you. I just stumbled into the sub, saw the title of the post ("Childhood trauma causes codependency in my opinion & can be worked on by healing this trauma"), and it seemed to go against my instincts given the (very limited) literature I've read on the broad subject of personality traits and behaviors.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Drama-Gifted-Child-Revised/dp/0465016901

its a quick easy amazing read

My take on it is that it can be very difficult to break codependency if one doesn't have something else to ground ones sense of safety in.

Being easygoing and submissive can be a strategy to gain accept, and belonging, instead of a dreaded abandonment and perhaps secretly being exposed as "no good".

One way to go about it is to practice expressing yourself with people you feel you can risk losing - and get references with your innate worth. Yontef is a Gestalt therapist that writes about this, how one needs to speak ones truth and let go of the outcome.

Another way to go about it is to contact a Coherence Therapy - practitioner. I will add a quote from one of their books:

Unlocking the emotional brain

Psychotherapy that regularly yields liberating, lasting change was, in the last century, a futuristic vision, but it has now become reality, thanks to a convergence of remarkable advances in clinical knowledge and brain science.. It allows new learning to erase, not just suppress, the deep, unconscious, intensely problematic emotional learnings that form during childhood or in later tribulations and generate most of the symptoms that bring people to therapy.

For me, The New Codependency by Melody Beattie was better than Codependent No More. I have been reading The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse and it has been really helpful.

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristen Neff

This book helped me a lot (I listened in audiobook format)

This one was a surprise:

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https://www.amazon.com/Enemy-Within-Recovery-Guide/dp/0692922121/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517155504&sr=8-1&keywords=the+enemy+within+jeff+rounds

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=nodl_

Freud died long ago. Mankind's understanding of the human psyche AND the human body have come way far from 'inheritable neuroticism'. That, no disrespect here, is the quackery –one the whole world's believed for far too long now.

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This is not a cherry-picked study, and i encourage you please do some (any) research around this, origins, context, how it ties to LOTS of previous research and above all to the inevitable conclusions of 50 years of trauma research out of integrating results from multiple scientific disciplines; you'll find too many 'cherry-picked`' studies pointing in the same direction:

The Polyvagal Theory


And, most importantly, check it out against your own experience, your own body, mind, history.

I wish someone had told me all this a long time ago.

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