Oh the IRONY. So recently another ENFP who will remain nameless out of privacy was asking advice for what to do with her / his ESTJ partner in a private message. Out of respect I am not going to reveal much details. Well this ENFP is also having conflict (not fighting) with the ESTJ and the ESTJ is also a doctor / medical residence.

I then told this mystery ENFP I will get back in 24 to 48 hours with a private message but since the IRONY I am going to make my advice appear in your post for it applies to both of you and it is something other ENFPs and the people who they are dating with should do.

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If you are dating, and especially if ENFPs are dating _S_J types you need to do this.


 

 

 

Buy this book.

Was That Really Me?: ^(How Everyday Stress Brings Out Our Hidden Personality)

https://www.amazon.com/Was-That-Really-Me-Personality/dp/0891061703/

Why I recommend this book. There are shorter things out there on the internet that does what I am about to recommend but I want you to learn something called the GRIP. The GRIP is when you are in a state of stress and your 4th function temporarly becomes your domiant function. Let me use a metaphor.

Imagine your body as a car but instead of a mechanical car it is a biological car so think a mammal predator like a big cat, wolf, bear, etc.

• When you as an ENFP gas tank, the emotional self regulation energy is at 100% fuel to 25% filled you see Ne and Fi as your main two functions and you still have access to your 3rd and 4th function, and you can access your 5th through 8th functions if people ask you questions you instantly reflect and give honest answers. You are not stressed when the emotional self regulation energy is at 100% fuel to 25% fuel to use a gas gauge analogy.
  
  
• At 25% to 12.5% your body notices you are running low on self regulation energy and while you are not stressed you need to change your behavior and thus your behavior changed. With an ENFP and ENTP a different side of you comes out and you become Ne driven for Ne is your 1st function and it is kind of like "free energy" and it is a more easy to use function out of your 8 functions and thus certain behaviors come out. Note you are not stressed yet but you are in the proto stressed stage. Aka look at this infographic even though it says ENTP it is the same for an ENFP
  
  
• http://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2017/05/09/entp-reacts-stress-infographic/
  
  
• Well when your gas tank is at 12.5% to 0% you are in a state of being called the GRIP, imagine your Fuel tank light came on in the car metaphor. It is a severe stress state and when you as an ENFP are in this state you try to act like someone you are not, but it makes since in your internal dialogue for your normal self does not fix the problem that you are now feeling. You start using your 4th function which an ENFP is Si and you use Si in order to try to be precise while very energy consciences. Using Si is not free energy, but your 4th function is a balancer of your 1st function and if you are this low on self regulation emotional energy it is natural it is biology that you swap to the 4th function for what normally works is not working and we need to try something different.
  
  
• 0% energy to negative energy is when the monster comes out. Because you are borrowing energy from borrowed time. It is like going into debt with your credit cards, except the emotional self regulation energy is stealing energy from things like your fat stores and so on.
  
  Well I want you to read this book for I been describing the ENFP grip, well there are 8 different MBTI grip states for the following personalities.
  
  

  I want you to quickly read these but do not internalize the info, instead just glance over them. This part should be a reference but not something you memorize. But there are 8 different type of MBTI grip states.
  

  
  

• Ne Grip that looks like not helpful Si which EN_P types such as ENFP and ENTP type experience.
  
  
• Ni GRIP that looks like not helpful Se which IN_J types such as INFJ and INTJ type experience.
  
  
• Si GRIP that looks like not helpful Ne which IS_J types such as ISFJ and ISTJ type experience.
  
  
• Se GRIP that looks like not helpful Ni which ES_P types such as ESFP and ESTP type experience.
  
  
• Fi Grip that looks like not helpful Te which I_FP types such as ISFP and INFP type experience.
  
  
  
• Ti Grip that looks like not helpful Fe which I_TP types such as ISTP and ISTP type experience
  
  
• Fe Grip that looks like not helpful Ti which E_FJ types such as ESFJ and ENFJ type experience.
  
  
• Te Grip that looks like not helpful Fiwhich E_TJ types such as ESTJ and ENTJ type experience.
  
  
• Aka this is the type of Grip an ESTJ partner is most likely going to experience. Aka this is you OP /u/fwbquestionforyou and mystery ENFP I am not going to say their name for I never got permission to talk about in a public space.
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
  Well the book I recommended has 15 chapters but I want you not to read this book in sequential order. Instead I just want you to hyperfocus and read chapter 6 (what ESTJs and ENTJs experience) and read chapter 13 (what ENFPs and ENTPs experience). Understand this, for what I am saying is in times of stress it is like you need to give emergency sugar to a diabetic in a low blood sugar mode (aka right before the coma). But it needs to be a special type of sugar and what type of sugar an ESTJ needs is very different than an ENFP needs. So what this chapters I want you to read is learning about the warning signs of when to notice your ESTJ has had a bad day and he is grumpy and so on, and what do you need to do to get him to 25% to 100% emotional self regulation energy mode. Aka we are going to turn this downward spiral of the grip and return you to normal.
  
  So after reading those 2 chapters you can read the whole book which is helpful but in reality think of this as a modular book, aka you do not need to know all of the contents but only specific parts of the contents.
  
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  And relationships are so much more than MBTI and Jungian Functions. First there are other personality traits unrelated to MBTI that are also important. Second personality is not the only thing important to relationships, details, experience history, what is happening now in your daily life also matters.
  
  So I do not want you to hyperfocus on MBTI, but this book will help you and your ESTJ partner. And I recommend this book for other ENFPs who date other MBTI types but let me make a 2nd post to explain why I am hyperfocusing on if you are dating an ESTJ or an ISTJ you need to buy this book. This advice also applies to ENFPs dating ESFJs and ISFJs, aka any one of the 4 _S_J types.
  
  (and let me take a break from writting.)

/u/jugglegod, are you female? I ask because female ADHD plays out a lot differently than what has been generally assumed/stigmatized as typical symptoms. Here is a helpful article discussing the gender bias in diagnosis & how many go undiagnosed under the radar-- like I had!

To answer your question, I am an ENFP with diagnosed female ADHD. This was a good read for me yesterday that /u/sonofkratos submitted to the subreddit-- its about ENFP but you will be able to draw some similarities between behavioral attributes in this article and attributes of female ADHD.

I wasn't formally diagnosed until 2011 (age 21), so I have only been on medication for it since then. It has been extremely helpful in addition to methods I use to approach my symptoms.

• I am somewhat glad that I did not take Adderall during my teenage years-- although I would have greatly benefited from it with regards to my academics, home relationships, goal setting, and depression; stimulants are pretty hard on the body, fuck with your sleep/eating habits, and can be easily abused. As an adult I am able to distinguish my personal limits and truly use it for my disorder, and not just heavy studying/partying :)
  
  
• I'll add that if my child were to have it too, I would focus on more cognitive therapy in place of initial medicating during their developmental years. (my opinion) Not only to encourage healthy coping mechanisms, but there are none, if any then not enough, long-term studies that have been released about ADHD medication (stimulants) and the effect on the developing brain/body.
  
  A really important point I want to make clear is that in NO way did a diagnosis give me an excuse to use in my interactions with others for the way I am. It empowered me to approach my behavior (INTERrpersonal reactionary & INTRApersonal empathy) with cautionary methods to keep me on track.
  
  The diagnosis helped me understand WHY I was frustrated/depressed--
  
  
• I wasn't reaching the goals/expectations in work/school/extracurricular that I had all intention and motivation to complete because of my inability to focus and stay on track.
  
  
• I was negligent in my friendships with others (has to do with ENFP qualities too) because it was hard to organize myself in a way that kept my committed plans and maintained reciprocal contact
  
  
• I learned to map out micro-goal setting on a structured timeline, and to be forgiving with myself if I still didn't reach it-- more focus on staying on the track, not as much on hitting benchmarks
  
  
• A lot of post-it notes, scheduling reminders (Apple iOS Reminders app is super annoying, but annoying in a way that is effective for me-- features that remind you of certain things when you arrive at certain destinations)
  
  TL;DR I guess my coping methods are ways of constantly nagging myself-- but my biggest gain has been in developing personal empathy and emotional intelligence. As an ENFP, we're highly emotional/passionate, overthink things, and have trouble with relationships by reacting poorly to those that are close to us when we hold them to our often high (and perhaps unrealistic) expectations.
  
  These two books (here) and (here) have recently helped me a lot in the areas where my ADHD and ENFP collide.
  
  Good luck and sorry for the lengthy post!
  

Ok, take this suggestion with a grain of salt since I haven't read it yet, but it got good reviews on Amazon so I bought it, I Am That Girl. Of course, it's mostly directed at girls. :x

I also started partially reading The Happiness Project, which was rather interesting about one lady's attempt to improve one area of her life each month. Although, some of her tracking seems kind of tedious--I think I could do it for a short time, but then it would feel like a lot of work, but it did seem like an interesting theory to have a theme each month.

I feel you. I'm in a similar boat. I graduated in May with a Pre-Med Nutrition degree and a Biology minor. I never wanted to go to med school, but I switched from pharmacy to education to pharmacy to pre-med nutrition because I was interested in holistic treatment. But my love for nutrition died because the program at my school WAS TERRIBLE, so towards the end of my degree I hated school and was totally unmotivated and I was blind to the future. I considered med school but a life of diagnosing, treating, and saying bye to patients I wouldnt see for another few months or years was not really appealing to me. I had a mental breakdown my senior year of college because of all the adderall I was taking and it took a tole on my personal life too. I would LOVE to travel and chill for a while but the reality of being broke and in debt after college is way too real. I want to go into the mental health field, but that means Ill be broke and in debt for like a decade, but I would love mental health way more than medical school. I want to surround myself with more disciplined creatives too, but most of the people I knew like that are moving away after school. Its hard to not let anxiety overcome me some days, but at least I know there are other people in the same boat. I recommend reading the book
https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter--/dp/0446561754/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468940290&sr=8-1&keywords=the+defining+decade

To be more disciplined and creative I suggest meditating daily. the app headspace is AMAZING, no hippie buddhism is involved, it just really works to help strengthen our pre-frontal cortex's, the part of the brain that adderall works to stimulate. I found meditating REALLY helped me handle the reality of my situation, and be easy on myself while going in a good direction.

but yeah I definitely feel similarly to you. Im babysitting for the summer to calm my nerves after school, but I have nothing planned for the fall yet and im freaking out. I really want to work in the mental health field but its been impossible to find a job and Im terrified of being broke come the fall.

Read about attachment theory. You seem Anxious attached and your girlfriends are Avoidant attachment types. The theory will explain a lot about attachment in relationships and how to improve on it in the future and pick a right partner that fulfils your needs in a relationship.

Read this book and it will cool down your attachment system and allow you to think clearly. It did for me

Walt Disney was an ENFP. There are a lot of biographies about him and much of his adult life was documented. If you want a good read, this book is a great place to start.

Hope that helps. Marty McFly from Back to the Future and JD from Scrubs are also both ENFPs.

>I am sentimental and over value people to such an extreme level that I can't see when people are treating me bad even when they are.

Then I recommend you stay out of a relationship until you figure that out.

A long term relationship hinges on two things. Love and respect. Everything can be covered under those two words. You don't belittle a person you respect. You don't disrespect a person you respect. You show affection for a person you love, etc.

This goes two ways. Never ever put up with disrespect from your SO and never put up with disrespect from yourself towards your SO. This doesn't mean disrespect warrants a fight, but it does warrent a serious discussion, and if your SO thinks that you're being too sensitive, than perhaps it's time to look for another SO.

Some will probably disagree with me and say that sometimes you need to suck it up, but I disagree. If you allow disrespect in any relationship, it's going to fester into resentment and your relationship will be doomed sooner than later.

>No one expects to be a villain yet I think of myself as the worst badguy of them all. I just play my part the worst. I dont know what to do HELP!!

Work on changing your thoughts so you don't label yourself like that. Doing a few shit things doesn't make you a villain or a black sheep. It ignores the fact that you do some good things also and a bunch of neutral things just like everyone else. You wouldn't label yourself a breather simply because you breath and you do that a lot more than anything else.

I think you need to learn more about yourself. I realize that being alone sucks. I've been through that myself, but running into another relationship will likely not help.

You need to be able to respect yourself and it sounds like you have a lot of guilt. My best advice is to get a book called feeling good (http://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0380810336 or get it from the library) It's an amazing book on cognitive therapy which gives strategies to analyze thoughts and deal with guilt. It's a very interesting and easy read. It's helped me. I think it can help you too. Honestly, I think everyone can benefit from it.

Sorry if this sounds rude. That's not how I meant for any of. It to come across. I'm laying in bed after a night of lightish drinking.

EDIT: spelling and autocorrect.

I plugged a few books a month ago over at our subreddit.

Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey – he is the one who introduce temperament theory (SP/SJ/NF/NT) and very easy to read, providing a good starting point to MBTI.

Personality Type: An Owner’s Manual by Lenore Thomson - Instead of going by the 16 sets of letters, this is a pure Jungian book to the MBTI. It is noted to take a few stabs at Keirsey and for filling itself with pop culture references known for its time.

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery, by Riso and Hudson – While I am not as much of a fan of the Enneagram as I am the MBTI, I still pull this book out on occasion. It is a nice, complete overview of it. What I like about it the most though is it breaks down the 9 types into 9 levels of mental health. When you go from peak to valley, it is like reading a personal psychological horror story. For that reason, I often use it when discussing psychological and personality disorders as it relates to personality typing. Speaking of which…

The New Personality Self-Portrait, by Oldham and Morris – If you have any interest whatsoever in the DSM-IV personality disorders, but don’t want to read the whole thing (of which the PDs are a very small portion), GET THIS BOOK. It is not just a brief summary of each, its main focus is to go in the opposite direction of my previous recommendation. It views each personality disorder as an (unhealthy) subset of a larger personality style – of which one might have several – and then ask the question, “What will _____ be like if they were more mentally healthy?” It turns each disorder on its head by doing that.

Neuroscience of Personality, by Dario Nardi – I just finished this book. It takes each of the cognitive functions and explains what exactly your brain is doing when using them. From that it shows how each personality type’s noggin works. And despite being a book on neurology, it is very easy and quick read compared to all the above books. But the price tag IMHO is a bit steep. There is a 90 minute YouTube video out there of the author giving a lecture if you search for it.

[This book] (https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287) might help.

Believe it or not, you are addicted to the strife. It's what makes you fall in love with someone and bond. You say the comments hurt you a lot and then in those small moments of connection your body releases so many chemicals to your brain that this surge is addictive.

You can heal it, and it takes a lot of effort. Good luck!

I have found the enneagram to be orthogonal to any other personality theory out there. I'm a 4, myself, though I've known a lot of ENFPs who are other numbers, and a lot of 4's who are other MBTI types.

As a way of understanding myself, I have found the enneagram to be much more effective than the MBTI or any other personality typology. It was developed by Sufi mystics as a way of helping people find God, so it's going to be a little different from personality typologies that are looking to deconstruct a person's central tendencies in a scientific way. My understanding of the enneagram comes from Fr. Richard Rohr's [Discovering the Enneagram] (http://smile.amazon.com/Discovering-Enneagram-Ancient-Spiritual-Journey/dp/0824511859/), for whatever that's worth.

https://www.amazon.com/Birth-Order-Book-Why-You/dp/0800734068

I believe this is it. Happy reading!!

It sounds like you're letting your predictions of the future desperately hurt your present. I would recommend this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Things-Might-Terribly-Horribly-Wrong/dp/1572247118/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372307706&sr=8-1&keywords=things+might+go+terribly+horribly+wrong

I've been suffering with anxiety on and off the past few years, and this book helped me out immensely. Another great book to read and directly help out your situation would be this one:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0451148452

I have the PDF for the second book, let me know if you would like it, and I can PM it to you.

The idea is not to need to flip tables, but to have said "No" firmly three months earlier and meant it.(All biblical refernces aside). Sometimes a tiny bit of conflict (you may not talk to me like that) stops an avalanche of fury down the tracks ( I fucking hate the way you talk to me).

May I suggest the books of Suzette Helgin ? They're a bit old now, but are absolutely solid on spotting verbal manipulation and de-escalating it. The problem of people pushing you around, or using your religion to manipulate you can often be undone with a few well-chosen words.

And lastly, Your job is not to balance out the cosmic scales of doom and nastiness by scrunching yourself down and being "nice". Your job is to shine so that other people can see by your light.