We found 444 Reddit comments about Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Hey! Congrats on taking action for yourself! Even making a post is doing that!
Try using [this] (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) tool to browse for therapists near you. put in your zip code, a mile distance, and other issues to start.
While i'm more on the anxiety disorder side of things and less the mood disorder side like yourself, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is generally useful for many basic issues if you use it correctly, just try to stay away from Psychoanalysis if you can.
A book I would definitely reccomend is [Feeling Good] (https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336) by David Burns. It does sound self helpy and gimmicky, but it's not. It introduces you to the basics of CBT, cognitive distortions and evidence collecting excercises that you can do on your own or with help from a therapist.
Just know that MANY more people than you think deal with mental health issues. It's something like [1 in 5 in the U.S] (https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-by-the-numbers). It's my dream that within my lifetime we can see mental health hygiene policies be implemented by institutions and organizations throughout the country with the same depth and totality that toilets and handwashing were in the early 20th century.
Good luck! You aren't alone!
It sounds you like you have a lot of issues that simply dressing better won't fix. I'd first of suggest cognitive therapy. It sounds you like you have a lot of negative self talk, and working on changing that will go a long way to feeling better about yourself. I highly recommend the book Feeling Good which deals with this, as well as the website MoodGym. It's really good that you're asking for advice, because it shows a willingness to work on yourself. It's hard work to change your thought patterns, but it can be done.
That being said, dressing better is one piece of the puzzle that will help. Since I started paying attention to how I dress, it's one less thing that's on my mind. I know I dress well, and that gives me more confidence. It is just one piece of it though, and won't solve everything. Have you read the side bars and all the guides? There's a wealth of info here and it's kind of hard to just tell you what you need to do since it's so general.
Good luck man.
The winter months are especially hard. People say this ad nauseum, but start exercising. That could be hitting the gym or just going for a morning jog. Depending where you live, try and go for daily walks too. I started consistently exercising about two years ago and it helps me a lot.
For overall mental health, if you feel life is getting to be a bit much, maybe look into seeing a therapist. They can help give you tools to overcome certain emotions you are feeling and help identify things that arise. Other routes are meditation,. I used to pay for Headspace and highly recommend it, but plenty of free stuff out there too. Lastly, consider looking into self-help books. This genre gets eye rolls from time to time, but I've found a few books that have helped me understand my mental and emotional health. I recommend Feeling Good as a good place to start.
Regarding the loss of a girlfriend, everyone tackles that differently. Dating in DC is brutal, but when I was actively in the online dating scene, it was a lot of fun. I went in with no expectations, a positive attitude, and I met a lot of interesting women. Sometimes we'd date for awhile, other times it would fizzle out, and a few times I've made genuine friends. In the end, online dating was more about self discovery of what I really look for in a partner.
As for friends, check out the weekly Reddit happy hour. It would be a low pressure option to meet new people.
Overall, whatever you choose to do, there is no magic bullet and it's better to take an overall holistic approach to improving your situation.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
This book is based on the principles of cognitive-behavioral therapy, one of the most prominent evidence-based treatments for psychological disturbances ranging from low self-esteem to schizophrenia.
Read this book. It's awesome and will change your life for the better.
> I have practically no social connections. Never kissed, never dated.
Join clubs (sporting, coding clubs, chess, gaming - whatever). They are a great way to meet new people and you don't have to keep going if you don't want to. Nothing to lose.
> My dad said if I didn't get a job soon, he'd kick me out. ... I applied to Safeway, McDonalds, Burger King, Dairy Queen and Taco Bell. NONE of them hired me.
Volunteer for charity organisations. It will get you back out into a working environment, fill a gap in the resume and may provide some character references. Working with other people should also improve your self esteem.
> I don't like going on Facebook because I get to see how successful all my friends are, and how they all grew up, doing all these extraordinary things.
That should be your motivation. When you see those pictures and status updates, you should be thinking - I want that. What can I do right now to get me closer to that?
> I posted to 4chan about my pathetic life and they all told me to kill myself.
Don't post (or read) 4chan. It's a cesspool of human suffering.
> I always dreamed of being a successful game programmer but I am too lazy to even do that.
Have you done much programming? if not - /r/learnprogramming
> I don't know what else to do.
Hey OP, if you username wasn’t a flag on its own, your post history certainly is. Given that you were recently asking about guns, I don’t think it’s wise for strangers to be opening their homes to you.
As someone who has struggled from extreme depression, I have some idea of the pain you are feeling. Before you make any big decisions, I need you to pick up a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. It’s free with a library card in the LA Public Library system. Get the Libby app and have it the audiobook read to you on your phone.
That book uses a principle known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it’s effective and fast-acting.
Do your parents know you’re suicidal?
Not sure about MBCT but a good book on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy: an older version: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/cbt-mbct-difference.htm) is https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
That’s a great read! Not only it explains what you are going through but reading or listening to the audiobook has been studied and proven to help AS therapy!
I highly recommend it.
Good job being aware of your challenges!
Good job noticing your patterns!
Good job admitting your thoughts!
I feel like you are already quite powerfully advancing toward a strongly useful wisdom.
Practice is simple yet difficult as you already pointed out.
Yet that’s the way: keep moving forward with it.
Finally keep in mind that sometimes this could be attributed to a high personality trait of neuroticism. There is s positive and negative about it.
One positive part of it is that you are more inclined to be able to care for children or relate to people in need.
A fantastic book that everyone should read: Feeling Good (the new mood therapy) by David Burns M.D. is all about this subject. It talks about bibliotherapy, therapy through reading self-help books, and cognitive practice, essentially, you are what you think.
If you can figure out your thoughts, and figure out why you're having these thoughts, you can work to change these thinking habits. Meditation is the authoritative tool for this in general, but the book has exercises and scientifically backed practices that have been proven to be just as if not more effective than drugs, and longer lasting. Check it out, it's worth your time.
The ladycrappo 7-Step Dealing With Depression Plan
Brought to you by a chick who's been hospitalized for major depression on four separate occasions and is now living a relatively stable normal life
Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, a popular CBT book that is useful for a variety of problems. if you're in a rough spot financially, it's an older one so should be easy to find in libraries and other ways
not a book but very helpful, Wait But Why's breakdown of procrastination. if you like this post you'll also love the TED talk.
if you're a person who struggles with being attracted (to an unhealthy degree) to men that never return your interest, especially in the context of an abusive past or co-dependence, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.
Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.
Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.
The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.
The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.
That should give you more than enough to chew on.
> I fear, that he will judge me as lazy
>I'm very afraid of what people might think of me
>I'm afraid that I won't be doing any projects with him
>I guess his feeling about me was right
So the first thing I would say is that these thoughts are not facts, but predictions about the future. I highly recommend you watch this very short video as I think the message is very suited to your situation and he can explain it far more eloquently than I can.
>I just need some advice on how to not worry too much about what other people think of me.
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do." How often do you think about the failures and faults of others? Very little, I suspect. People are concentrated on their own lives, their own success and their own failures. To be brutally honest, they don't spend their time thinking about you. Your worth is not determined by what others think of you.
Here's a relevant poem:
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you've passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
--Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr
Finally, I think mindfulness, meditation, and this book would benefit you enormously.
Check out the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's a pretty useful in identifying ways in which we can change the way we feel by changing our thoughts, among other things. It's helping me work out my anxiety/tendency to be depressed, ect.
I've noticed a trend here lately of people turning to simple living as a way to treat anxiety. Simple living is awesome, but it's not a cure for anxiety. In some ways, it can promote it, because people use the idea of simple living to hide from life.
The best place to start, if you can, would be with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety. If that isn't possible right now, this book can give you some tools to start feeling better, for under $6. It did help me. Ultimately, the key to overcoming anxiety is to do the thing you fear until it isn't scary any more.
As someone who overcame severe depression and was on 200mg of Zoloft at one point in my life...you need to get professional help for yourself. First and foremost: take care of YOU. You won't be able to help dogs until you help yourself and you need to do it because YOU ARE WORTH THAT.
That doesn't mean quit Wag. That means prioritizing you so you can work as you get better (and work on yourself). The only thing that helped me was therapist who specialized in depression, anxiety, and PTSD (my issues). Here is a book that helped me (used in conjunction with therapy- it is somewhat of a workbook since it has exercises):
I would still walk dogs as I got help as it's good for you to make money to help support yourself and it's good to get outside and not lock yourself up indoors (makes your depression worse). The exercise and dogs will help. I would place that second to the therapy. Focus should be on that. It isn't hopeless. It feels hopeless because that's what depression does. If you have supportive family, reach out to them too.
FWIW, that lady is a bitch. Don't worry about her. She doesn't matter and she is probably miserable in her own life. I'm sensitive too, but just let it go and if it helps wish her to get hemorrhoids (I do this for fellow assholes I encounter..makes me feel better anyway lol)
For me, this one did the trick or at least made me understand
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Here's the book that saved my life. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1427502059&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good
It's the most comprehensive book on the subject I know about. Unfortunately I'm not too keen on knowing other links and whatnot. But trust me, this will be the best eight bucks you'll ever spend. I hope this helps.
While I haven't read Ten Days to Self-Esteem, I would (and usually do) highly recommend Feeling Good by David Burns to damned near everyone. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped me tremendously not only in my self esteem but in how I manage everything else.
Edit: Found it as a .pdf for anyone that wants it.
Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy books such as Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.
I have mild depression and severe anxiety and it has done WONDERS.
It is NOT a silver bullet but it is much better than nothing. Results show that it is just as effective as meds.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy and keeping a journal. Maybe try reading this book. It helped me a lot.
Edit: Also, maybe try not following all of the advice in this thread about drinking and having casual sex. You may just turn into a sex addicted alcoholic.
Nope, had some anxiety (because of heart palpitations) and doctor suggested talking to a psychologist and oh hey we have one right here. Garden variety behavioral therapy.
No one mentioned it was $1000 an hour until I got a bill 2 months later.
The only memorable thing I got out of it was a recommendation for a book: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 which appears to be the beginner's guide to do-it-yourself cognitive behavior therapy.
I'm so sorry to hear about your anxiety. I can definitely relate as I also struggle with panic attacks and anxiety and the infertility treatment process has been challenging in that regard.
This reply will be long, but hopefully helpful. I'm also on mobile so bear with me re: formatting/autocorrects...
If you need to take mental health breaks I recommend doing so. I've taken a few- a month here or there over the last three years and it can help. But, if you take a break you should also be doing what you can to address the anxiety itself, otherwise a break won't help.
If you don't address the anxiety on its own terms, returning to treatment will bring the anxiety back with it.
If you haven't already, find a therapist or counsellor who deals with anxiety and (if possible) who understands and works with infertility. Most fertility clinics will have a list of therapists they recommend.
If you don't have the financial resources for a therapist there are cognitive behavioural things you can do on your own to help. I recommend doing these even if you do have a therapist as they can provide coping tools in the moment you are having anxiety.
There are a number of apps that can be helpful. Anxiety BC (a government sponsored mental health resource in Canada) had a great mobile app with a number of tools for anxiety and panic attacks. You can find it here. It is geared toward teens and young adults but is usable and applicable to people in all stages of life. You just might see examples that mention school stress etc.
Pacifica is also a good free app with anxiety tools. As is Stop, Breath, Think (which focuses on mindfulness). All of these apps are free. They have in app purchases but the free resources are more than enough.
There is a desktop and mobile compatible site I use sometimes when I know I need to work on breathing. http://xhalr.com you can use the settings to time the length of inhale, paused and exhales to your comfort level. I recommend 4-2-6 or 6-2-6 seconds. The interface is minimalistic and soothing. I use it at my desk when I feel panic coming. Many people find this kind of breathing can alleviate panic attacks like you are experiencing.
If, like me, focusing on your breath when you are already in a panic attack makes things worse not better, try a grounding exercise. I use one I call "5 things". You can say it out loud if you have privacy or you can do it in your mind while you are in public.
To do this, simply focus on 5 things for each sense. So, you say to yourself. "What are 5 things I feel?", and list them. "I feel the fabric of my pants on my thighs, I feel my feet in on the ground, wind on my skin, i feel tingles in my hands, etc" just any 5 sensations you feel in your body. Then 5 things you see, hear etc. Repeat as necessary.
There are also some workbooks you can get and work with on your own if therapy isn't an option.
My therapist recommends reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy to get a sense of the basics of cognitive behavioural therapy. This is an older book (1980's ish) but is a good foundation. Not everything in the book will apply to everyone, and no book should be considered a replacement for working with a qualified professional, but I find them helpful for adding to my mental toolkit.
A doctor once gave me Mind Over Mood which is a helpful workbook with concrete exercises to get you practicing CBT. This can be very helpful.
**edited from desktop to add links
Jesus Christ. Who are you, Winston Smith? Let go of that fatalist attitude. It won't get you anywhere, except more depressed. Regardless of when you die, there's nothing you can do about time passed, so where's the sense in fretting over it? In addition to the advice I posted separately, I recommend reading some literature on changing your mindset. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is a good one. It costs $6 on amazon.
PLEASE read this before doing what you're planning. I know it's quite long, but I really want to help you make the best decision here.
Have you considered dressing like a monk, and carrying around cards you've printed out that explain you've taken a vow of silence? You could become a real monk and actually take such a vow, or you could just fake it. Either way would be preferable to cutting out your tongue. And if your family doesn't believe you, so what? You can explain that you actually have a phobia of speaking to them (through written text if necessary), or not. Either way, they'll still think better of you than if you follow through with cutting your tongue out.
(It would be even easier to carry cards that say "I am mute" or "I have a phobia of speaking," but you seem to have convinced yourself that you need some sort of excuse, which is why I'm suggesting the vow. If you can find the courage to be honest, then do so, but I'm guessing that might be a bit much for a first step, given that you're planning to chop your tongue off to avoid such honesty.)
In the long term, you should go to a therapist, and work out your fear of speaking. I highly recommend Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Check out the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" to get started by yourself. I know, the title sounds like some bullshit self-help book, but trust me, it's legit.
However, in the short term, it sounds like you're obviously desperate for an immediate solution, so I'd highly suggest you try mine.
Think about your favorite food in the world. Do you really want to take your ability to taste it, and anything else, and flush it down the toilet forever? Do you really want to lose the ability to speak, or French kiss, or anything else we do with our tongues, if it turns out there's a cure for your phobia of speaking? (And there is; I just linked it to you.)
If you're afraid of speaking, the problem that you truly want to fix isn't that you have a tongue—it's that you're afraid of speaking. I know that it's tempting to take the "easy" solution, and that the mere thought of going to therapy and practicing talking is probably absolutely terrifying to you. But here's the thing: there's nothing wrong with being terrified. Phobias are scary by their very definition. And that's not even a bad thing. A novel would be boring without some obstacle for the main character to try and overcome. We all have our obstacles. Your obstacle is not your own tongue. Your obstacle is whatever warped thoughts you are having that make your tongue seem like it is the obstacle, and that make cutting out your tongue seem preferable to having to speak to people. You can fix those warped thoughts.
> "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them." -Epictetus
You are not disturbed by your tongue. You are not disturbed by other people expecting you to speak to them. You are disturbed by the views which you have taken of these things.
I know it's hard, man. I'm not exactly the epitome of perfect mental health myself. But the future you that seduces and kisses the partner of your dreams is just as much of a real possibility as the future you that has no tongue, even if it seems like that's impossible. And while it won't be easy to develop your social skills, trust me when I say that it'll be a hell of a lot easier than living without a tongue.
But if I can't convince you to do the hard part right away, then don't. Take that vow of silence, or fake one. That vow will be as permanent or as temporary as you want it to be. A month, a year, or fifty years from now, you might want to give it up, and you can. Or you might want to keep it, and continue to never talk to anyone, and you'll have that option as well. Take or fake that vow, and every future You will always have that freedom of choice. Cut your tongue out and flush it down the toilet, and none of them will. Maybe the You that starts the guillotine is okay with not having a tongue, but that You will stop existing when that present become the past. The only You that actually exists is the one reading the sentence right now. And now, that You has permanently vanished from existence, and a slightly different You is reading this sentence. You can decide to take a vow of silence for current You, but please allow me to speak on the behalf of every single future You when I ask you to not force each and every one of them to live without a tongue, from the You that's in intense pain and bleeding profusely from their mouth; to the You that misses being able to taste that dish Mom used to make when she wanted to cheer you up, but now she never bothers because she knows it will just make you feel worse; to the You that's lived an entire life without a tongue and is now about to die. You deserve the right to be able to choose to not speak to people—every You deserves that right. Please, let them make that choice for themselves. I know you will find this very hard to believe at the moment, but trust me: they will thank you.
If you've gotten this far and you're still insistent on cutting it out, at least eat the feast of your dreams first, while you can still enjoy it. Carefully observe the flavors, textures, and sensations as best you can—because if you do go through with your plan, your memories of what it's like to taste food will be the best you've got. Reflect upon whether or not that's a fair and reasonable price to pay for an excuse to not talk to people, after your last spoonful of your ice cream sundae.
@ OP. If you hear a faint trumpet, it may be the Cavalry coming over the hill. This book was recommended to my by my therapist. I have gifted many copies to friends and family.
First of all I despise self-help books. I have found many to be the long form of "First, lift yourself by your own hair".
This one is different. After finishing the first chapter, I felt better in a "Holy Crap! I'm OK! And it's going to get better!" kind of way. If you are capable of being honest with yourself, "Feeling Good" can help you get rid of depression (I stopped taking anti-depressants within a year of reading), lessen anxiety and learn how to protect yourself from self-destructive thought patterns.
It's been in print for 20 years, so it must have something to recommend it, eh? Check out the reviews on the link. But the book is probably available at your local library.
you can still be happy and deaf.
if it s possible , i recommend go to psychologist who is expert for cognitive-behaviour therapy.
if not u can always benefit from the book below.just not read it like a novel, use it like an exercise book. do everything it says.
@ OP: Give yourself more tools to work with.
This book was recommended to me by my therapist. I felt stronger and more sure of my thoughts after finishing just the first chapter. In less than a year after reading it, I stopped taking my anti-depressants permanently. I keep Dr. Burns' book on my shelf, like a reference book.
I detest self-help books. This one's different. It's been in print for twenty years, so it's probably at the library.
Das war glaub der Sympathischste Text den ich jeh gelesen hab.
Ich kenn Dich nicht, aber ich würd Dich total gerne in Ruhe lassen und mit zuhenem Mund kauen, damit Du nen guten Tag hast.
Ich hoffe ehrlich Du packst den ganzen Scheiß.
Btw.: wenn Du Dir wirklcih oft Vorwürfe machst, check mal das Buch hier. Ist zwar offiziell zur Hilfe bei Depressionen, hat mir aber vorrangig geholfen mir nicht immer Selbstforwürfe zu machen und mich nicht vor mir selbst schlecht zu reden. Ich weiß, ich weiß, Selbsthilfebücher, aber für mich wars echt gut.
(Just by way of background, I'm a father of a young child and a person who used to struggle with discipline due to depression.)
Your son probably struggles with discipline because he has anxiety and depression, not because he's unaware of the fact that discipline is a good idea or that you would like him to be more disciplined. I'm not sure what good could come out of a discussion like the one you're envisioning. He already knows you want him to be more disciplined and trying to tell him that for the hundredth time or hold his tuition over his head as a threat is just going to make him feel judged, unworthy, and anxious.
Being depressed and anxious means that he already has a voice in his head that's constantly telling him he's not good enough, that he's lazy and undisciplined and that he's basically a worthless piece of shit. That's how depression works. And the way anxiety works is that the voice also tells him that it's completely hopeless, that all the things he has to do are too much and that he's never going to be able to manage. Also that everybody he knows especially his parents see that he's lazy and worthless, etc. So when you come along, no matter how tactfully you try to put it, and point out that he's not as disciplined as you like, you're just confirming all those horrible, DEMOTIVATING thoughts that he has. When you add the threat of withdrawing his tuition (which seems like a horrible idea anyway IMO) you're adding a whole layer of anxiety on top of that.
You need to counteract those voices rather than confirming them. He needs to hear that he is worthy, that he can do it, that he is accepted, etc. and it's going to be hard for him to believe that because he has a CONSTANT voice in his head arguing the opposite.
I would suggest that you take a different tack entirely. First, you have to really understand, deep down, that he's not just lazy or doing this to spite you or whatever. Things are just harder for him. Being undisciplined is not a choice he is making, it's a result of the negative thoughts he has because of depression and anxiety (and also that he doesn't necessarily yet have all the tools to counteract those thoughts.) Empathize with him instead of judging him or pushing him. He doesn't need a push, he needs acceptance and love and support.
Tell him that you are proud of him for the progress he has made and that you support him entirely. Let him see that you recognize that it's hard for him to do these things and that you empathize but that you know he can do it and if he ever needs help with anything that he can come to you and you will not judge him. (I wouldn't expect him to believe you at first, but if you mean it and you actually start living that way, he will notice the change.)
Encourage him to continue therapy and meds (assuming that's what the doctor and/or therapist are recommending.) Maybe you can very lightly suggest that he talk with his therapist about the kind of challenges he will face in college. Maybe you could give him a book like Thoughts & Feelings or Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy and let him know that you read online that it can help people who have anxiety and depression learn how to handle things a little better.
tl;dr: Less expectations and threats, more acceptance and support.
You mentioned that you went through some pretty extreme depression. What kind of treatment did you get?
There are some things this subreddit might be able to recommend, but if you're still battling with depression (remember, there's no shame in that) it's probably over our heads.
If you haven't gone through therapy, it sounds like that could be a good option for you. Remember that there is nothing wrong with getting help. Probably you know that (since you're asking here) but it's worth repeating – getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you can't or won't go to therapy for whatever reason, I highly recommend you pick up "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. You can get the paperback for $6 on Amazon. I think learning about cognitive distortions will really help you, as I can see a few in your post. Even if you do go to therapy, the book is worth a read.
Again, remember that this doesn't say anything about your self-worth. It's just something you're going through right now, but you can work to fix it.
As an example of some things in your post:
>a few hours after I wake up I realize that I can't fix myself
Remember that you aren't broken. You can change if you want to, but that doesn't mean you're broken. I believe in you, and you believe in yourself at least a little bit, or you wouldn't have made this post. You can do this.
>I used to eat healthier, now I'm nothing
You are not nothing. You are a human person, and nothing in the world can take that away from you. There is nothing that can take away your worth as a human being.
>I have time, I'm just not using it properly.
It's awesome that you've realized this on your own. I'm sure you've been thinking through all of this a lot, and the fact that you've reached this conclusion shows some real insight. Lots of people will never admit to themselves that they really do have the time – you're off to a good start with this.
How can you start? I don't know where you're located, but Psychology Today has a simple tool that can help you find a therapist. I'd check it out and, if the option is there, look for someone that does cognitive therapy.
Outside of steps like that, take small actions. Even micro actions. Heck, the smaller the better. These actions should be easy to start and easy to finish, but finishing them accomplishes something, anything, towards making your life better. You can check out the subreddit /r/NonZeroDay if you need ideas (and also read the post that inspired the subreddit).
Baby steps will help you build confidence. They will help you prove to yourself that you can do things that make a difference. Plus, the results of those actions will help you level up your life all on their own.
That's what I've got for you. I hope it helps, and please, please don't hesitate to ask questions or PM me.
Remember, I believe in you.
I would first try to think about why someone would have such an obsession. Is it boredom? Is it a form of validation? What is the reason(s) for it?
Once the person thinks about the potential causes, they can take the next step and see what strategies there are for addressing the issues involved. For instance, if it's boredom, then the person better get their ass moving and start a hobby or get involved with groups/activities/etc. If it's constantly seeking validation then they should seeing therapist for a few sessions to talk it out or to read a book such as https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380810336/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
Gotta figure out what the root causes are.
I wouldn't suggest you rush to your doctor with the question, "am I seriously depressed?" If you live in the west, there's a 99% chance that an M.D. will shove a multiple choice test at you, which may or may not come back showing you are depressed. If it shows you are depressed, your doctor will prescribe an antidepressant... which may or may not make you feel better, but it will definitely not have any real effect on the root of your problems.
I think the answer to the question, "am I seriously depressed?" lies in another question: does your mood have a chronically negative impact on your life? everyone gets sad from time to time, but does your mood interfere with your your relationships, or your work, or impede your ability to achieve your goals and take enjoyment out of day to day life?
If the answer is yes, then you should do something to change your mood. In my experience, the best way to change your mood is by working with a good shrink. You want a registered psychologist, or a professional counsellor with an MSW degree (Masters of Social Work). There are any number of people in the phone book calling themselves "therapists" or "counsellors" but those names might not necessarily mean anything more than a 1 or 2 year diploma, and maybe much less than that. Not to disparage those people, nor all the people they help... but personally I only want to trust my mind to the very best.
Anyways... any good shrink will be helpful, but I strongly recommend you find someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT is not at all like traditional talk therapy... you're not going to be talking about childhood traumas, or whether your father gave you enough attention. Instead, CBT is about making very concrete changes to the way think and react to your world. For example, imagine being stuck in traffic... if you're like me, most of the time I'm okay with it, but sometimes I flip out and fly into a murderous rage... CBT is about identifying what's going on in your mind in the moments between 'calmly driving' and 'wanting to eviscerate the driver in front of you', and then changing it. In the case of depression, you'll be working on the thought patterns that are bringing your mood down.
Where I am in B.C., shrinks are charging around $140 an hour, some will work on a sliding scale. That might seem like a lot, but the beauty of CBT is it works astoundingly fast... once you find a good shrink, you'll see pretty dramatic results within 1 or 2 hours, and you might feel like you're done after 4 or 5... maybe less. I have pretty severe depression, and I keep it in check with between 4 and 8 sessions, a couple times a year. So I spend $1000 - $1500 a year on head shrinking, and it's the best money I spend... I would spend double that without a second thought. The payback in terms of quality of life is remarkable, and most people spend that much or more on car maintenance. And for your relatively mild depression, you may only need a few sessions and never go back.
Finding the right shrink is key... most will give a free initial session. If you're not feeling it after the freebie, don't go back. Make sure you like them and trust them and feel like they're earning your money.
Whether or not you seek therapy with a shrink, I highly recommend the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns [amazon link[(http://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1278729282&amp;sr=8-2). It's a CBT self help book for depression. Like all self help books, it's a little cheesy, but if you have some faith and go with it, it's pretty damn effective. It's bound to help you in some way even if you're not seriously depressed... might be the best $8.99 you ever spend.
For me, probably the best self-help book I've read has been Feeling Good: The new mood therapy by David Burns. Its a book focused on using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to deal with depression.
Hang in there. It sounds like you're making the right decisions but maybe have some bad thought habits
>taking comfort in the dark corners
Can I recommend reading the book Feeling Good by David Burns? There are activities in there that will help you focus more on the positive & break bad though habits. It helped me a ton. My bad thought habits included things like I have no friends, nobody likes me, etc as well as having these fantasy "fights" w people. Not good, but it takes time to break any bad habit. Sounds like you're on the right path!
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and kind reply. Honestly, I'm glad if anything I ever say ever helps anybody. I'm sorry I couldn't really offer any legal advice, though.
By the way, just on the off-chance it helps your dad, I found this book personally very helpful. I kinda hate the cover (so bright! And the title! Maybe you could rebind it somehow??) ... but it's not a bad price for something if it doesn't work out. For the record, there was at least one study done on this specific book that found it an effective alternative to antidepressents.
Exercise doesn't usually work for deeply depressed and highly anxious people, because these things are usually terribly exhausting. Luckily, there are MANY other proven options to help with depression and anxiety. Feeling Good by David Burns has been extremely helpful to me, for example.
It took me nearly 30 years to figure this out, and I still struggle with it.... but here's the deal. You cannot fix everything. You can't make the entire world happy. You can't do absolutely everything, even if you put every ounce of your being into it. You are a human being, and you are NOT supposed to do everything for everyone else.
I think it's exceptionally rude and unnecessary to tell someone who has perfectionist traits that they're insecure or scared - that's bullshit. My reasons for being a perfectionist are most definitely different than your own, and different from anyone else's - and there's jack shit to do with fear or being insecure. That's an unhelpful, thoughtless comment to make. I don't think you're insecure or afraid - I think your emotions are your own, and I refuse to tell anyone how they feel. I don't know how you feel, but I know feeling anything other than happy sucks.
If you're having trouble adjusting to changes in your life, you're unable to roll with the punches or accept the things that happen, unable to cope with things not being exactly as you think they ought to be or how you pictured them... I would recommend chatting with a counselor. That DOES NOT mean there's something horribly wrong with you.
It DOES mean that in situations like this, it helps to explain the shit that's driving you nuts and hear a completely neutral party provide feedback. Sometimes we get so stuck in the black & white view, we're unable to see the grey.
And honey, there's a shitload of grey. Very little falls into black or white. Probably 80% is grey. The problem is that it's frustrating, disappointing, and depressing to accept the grey. And the solution is changing how you handle the grey.
You can't change the grey. All you can change is your reaction. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
A couple of books I can recommend that have helped me beyond belief:
From Panic To Power by Lucinda Basset - seriously helpful in learning how to NOT flip out when things go wrong, how NOT to let stress overpower you, etc. Seriously helpful.
Secondly, I'd recommend Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. This is a really helpful guide to changing the way you react/think. I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but I swear it helps - especially when you have trouble accepting things that don't turn out the way you expected/wanted/needed them to.
CBT is THE recommended treatment for depression, anxiety and OCD, and numerous studies have proven it is EQUALLY as effective for treating depression as SSRIs/anti-depressant or anxiolytic drugs.
(However, for severe depression, SSRIs PLUS CBT therapy is the best treatment).
If you can't afford CBT, start by buying the books Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. They are the CBT Bibles.
And make sure you actually do the little work assignments in the book. Just passively reading will not help you.
I'm in a similar boat as you, but at the moment I don't have any friends at all and so far was never able to really build a deep connection with anybody (I'm 28/m btw). But one thing I've learned is that there's always hope, you're only doomed if you tell yourself so.
One thing that really helps with finding balance is meditation, read a good book about it and/or look at some online tutorials (looks like /r/meditation has some good resources as well) and just give it a try for a few weeks, and don't be discouraged if you don't get immediate results.
If you have a dislike for spiritual stuff you could instead read up on cognitive behavioral therapy, which is used to treat all sorts of things such as depression and social anxiety. This book gives a good introduction and has very simple exercises to get you started. Of course you could also visit an actual therapist, if you don't mind talking to a stranger about your intimate problems ;-)
Also, please don't look at your life as "empty", if you're anyting like most other introverts you probably have a very rich inner life, but just because you can't easily share this with others doesn't mean it's worthless. Just keep doing the things you enjoy and ignore people who think you can't possibly be happy unless you're socializing all the time.
Hi, this is, except in very rare circumstances, a terrible terrible advice. Pot is for when you're happy, using it when sad will almost always intensify the sad feelings. And that's not the worst bit.
Here are some anti-depressents that DO work.
> My life has no point.
You're only 16, so the only point in your life right now is to get an education so that you can better understand the world, find a place and means to carve out a decent living, and discover your purpose in life by trying lots of different things.
> Gyms are full of mirrors, I need to look at my ugly face all the time, I can't get it out of my head.
Have you considered running outside? There are no mirrors out there, and if you run in the right places you might also get to enjoy the beauty of nature while you're at it. Trust me when I say that running is a great way to get all of these negative thoughts out of your mind, at least for a little while.
> All I do in a day is go to the gym, eat & sleep.
If you don't like your routine, change it. As I said, give outdoor running a try. Explore your music tastes and find that motivating song / album / artist to listen to while you run.
> Because I was born with an ugly face & shit bone structure, I have to suffer my whole life, I have no chance to be happy, to have a family or anything. I can only watch other people loving each other, while I'm dying inside.
I know people have said this already, but chances are strong that you're not actually ugly. Depression can make you think that you are, but you probably are not. However, let's assume for a moment that you are horrendously butt-ugly. That shouldn't stop you from being able to be happy and to have a family. Look around you - there are TONS of hideous people out there who somehow still manage to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with and be happy together. There is more to being attractive than just looks. Someone who is confident and happy with himself is more attractive than someone who is depressed and frowning all the time, even if the happy person is slightly less physically good-looking.
> I don't know what the hell am I going to do with my life, I can't talk to anyone, I can't hold eye contact, I'm frowning all the time, I feel like I have no soul.
Believe it or not, these are things that virtually EVERYONE goes through at some point in their lives. These are all things that you can change, because unlike your physical appearance, they are all inside your head. I've been down in the dumps before, and I know that it feels impossible to ever get out of the self-made pit you find yourself in. Still, IT CAN BE DONE. You should consider reading the book Feeling Good by David Burns - it offers concrete strategies for lifting yourself out of depression through the use of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
> Everywhere I look, people are enjoying themselves, whether it's the TV or outside, everyone is happy, talking to friends/partners, kissing themselves, while me, I'm just here, but it's like I don't even exist.
I've had these thoughts before about my friends and acquaintances at college, but the reality is that nobody is ever as happy as they appear in their Facebook pictures. I've spoken with enough people at school to realize that many people are actually miserable but happen to be really good at putting up a happy front for everyone else to see. The world is a competitive place, and so everyone is constantly trying to one-up one another by pursuing wealth, better looks, etc.
I'm currently single, and the thought that I will die alone frequently crosses my mind, even though this time last year I was happy as a clam because I had an awesome girlfriend. I felt forever alone just days before she walked into my life, and just days after she walked out of it. Life is unpredictable, so just keep in mind that those "happy" people you see around you WILL experience tragedy, misery, and maybe even depression at some point in their lives. You can't truly experience happiness without also experiencing sadness - that's why the bad moments in our lives exist, to make the good ones better.
> Before, I was fat, playing video games all day. I changed a lot in past 2 years, I lost weight, got muscle, haircut, better clothes, did everything I could.
This is something to be proud of. Not many people can say that they went from being fat to being muscular and physically fit. Look at the world around you - America is full of grossly obese people who just don't give a shit. Would you rather be "happy" and slowly drowning in your own fat and filth?
> Why are all the bad things happening to me? Why do I always have to be the worst, why is everyone always at a better position than me?
Do you have a roof over your head? Food and water? A computer from which you're posting this? Do you live in a wealthy first-world country? These are things that a large percentage of the world's population does not have access to, so consider yourself lucky. Happiness is not about material comforts - there are probably plenty of happy people living in third-world countries and fighting for survival each day. In fact, people in the Western world tend to be unhappier for some reason. It's not that they're ungrateful, but they're constantly comparing themselves to the people who are better than them and feeling worthless when they fall short of such impossibly high standards.
> I need to change my life, I want to change my life, but I don't know what to do.
Do something. Do ANYTHING. At such a young age, you have a lot of potential for personal change and self-discovery, so take advantage of it.
Grab life by the balls and make it your bitch.
As someone who has struggled with depression my whole life, it does sound to me like you might be at least mildly depressed. This inventory can help you decide for yourself: http://healingheartscc.com/docs/first_steps/FS_DepressionQuiz.pdf (it's not some crackpot quiz, many doctors actually use this to assess patients)
I highly recommend this book:
I think I still have a PDF version of it that an awesome fellow Redditor sent me a while back, if you'd like to check it out. It's been a life saver for me. Let me know & I will see if I still have it. :)
I found one of those people who get summed up in pop psychology as 'soul mates', or whatever term you care to use. She (is, presumably) was a painter, she sang...and all she wanted to do was please me. I was self-medicating with alcohol for anxiety, and the effects of one parent's suicide and the other's early death, as well as the murder of a girl I was in love with about two years prior to meeting my 'soul mate'.
Long, drunken story short, I cheated on her. Twice. Oh, don't feel bad for her. She got me (after we broke up) to act as the muscle in a lease-break, fucked every one of my friends, and spread some other stink around.
Problem, though. I really had experienced what Sicilians call "the thunderbolt". I had felt it when we met, even though I was half hammered. The sex was perfect.
The amount of passion experienced in our nine months together was enough for half a lifetime.
And I missed it. And I missed her. The sound of her voice, just speaking, was music to me. And when she sang...one story about that. My girl and her sister and her boyfriend shared an apartment. One open-window summer day her sister and I met in the hallway, with the same thing crossing our minds. We had just said good by to her sister, who was going out to shop. But sis and I had just heard her singing. There was a Robert Palmer album on the (rather nice) stereo. The song was "You Overwhelm Me". She sounded like the first female backup on that track, maybe a little stronger and clearer. Her sister! thought it was her. Our minds were blown.
So when she left me the second time, I redoubled my efforts to die in my sleep via rusty nails, cheap beer, bourbon and such, but I kept waking up.
I eventually got sober, got married (to someone who has met the songbird), had a family, and never really got over how badly I had hurt someone who loved me so much. I used to look at my cheating as some form of stupidity that had some organic cause. Science now thinks depression is a major indicator in infidelity.
And, of course, every AA can tell you "with booze, you lose".
This book helped me deal with negative thought patterns developed over time.
It's painful to know that missing, sometimes aching part of one's heart is non-negotiable, and self-inflicted.
EDIT: Relevance. She painted my portrait. For years, there was something about the perspective in the painting that bothered me. One day I realized, it was as if the painter were in a kneeling position. I finally burned it last year.
Depression is a strong indicator of cheating. Your thought patterns are slightly skewed.
Pick up this book. It helped me as soon as I finished the first chapter.
BTW, if you use booze as an excuse, NOTHING will change.
You are clearly speaking from a rough place in your life right now and feeling very low. I want to start by saying I'm glad you reached out to us here. A lot of people just close up within themselves and sink further into depression, but you decided to open up and communicate. That's very important and shows you actually have more strength than you think. Just wanted to acknowledge you for that before addressing your points.
First nothing is permanent. Your academic failure, your previous experience with women--yes, all that has happened and you can't reverse it now. But there is absolutely no reason whatsoever it has to be the same in the future. Your choices led to your past results, but change your choices and you change your future.
Many people who initially failed at things went on to become very successful at it. Michael Jordan was rejected the first time he tried out for high school basketball. You know why? They thought he was "too short". Think about this for a minute. Imagine if Michael Jordan said "You know what, they're right. I'm not like those tall guys. I'll never be a great basketball player, because I just wasn't born with the right traits." Imagine if that's what he thought! But he didn't. He decided he was going to work harder at proving himself up to the task. And MJ isn't unique, there are tons of stories like this if you look.
That's my overall, biggest point. Don't close the book. You have the power of choice, the power to choose differently and thus experience differently.
Now to your specific statements...
>At 23 years of age
Well right here, let's set something straight: 23 is still very young! Only on Reddit, full of kiddies, is 23 somehow "older" or "mature". I'm in my later 30s, and let me tell you something: I didn't know shit at 23! Like maybe a little bit, but the real learning started after college in the "real world". You sound like you're some old man at the end of his days who's realized "what the world is", but from my perspective--no offense--that's hilarious! I guarantee like 50%+ of what you think you "know" right now you will later realize was completely ass backwards.
>Some guys just have the "x-factor". They have been born with the ability to attract girls.
I brought up the MJ not being "tall enough" example before, but further: yes some people are just naturally more physically attractive given their "baseline" looks. It's ridiculous to deny that. However, and the ladies reading this can confirm this for me, that is not at all the only factor behind a woman's attraction to a man. It has as much if not more to do with how the man carries himself, how he communicates, how interesting he is as a person. You mentioned success later so I'll continue this when I go into that below...
>Should I hire an escort to get rid of my virginity?
100% no. That should be a moment with someone who respects you and cares about you. You're assuming no one ever will, but what I'm trying to point out is that control over that future is up to you. (Historical side note: Friedrich Nietzsche lost his virginity to a prostitute, and regretted it his whole life.)
>my lack of success. I have crap grades with no foreseeable future. No Indian girl in her right mind will want a desi man like that.
You have crap grades up until now, OK. But here's where your being 23 shows: you seem to think "grades" = "life". Only someone who's lived totally in the world of school thinks that. Yes you do have to get back on track, start fresh, and finish your degree. But your resume isn't going to show your GPA, so don't worry so much about that. Your college transcript isn't your "life" transcript!
>What is the best way for me to stop being attracted to Indian girls (I think a lot of them are really pretty?
Well first, you can't stop being attracted to who you're attracted to. If you could, then gays could be "converted" to straight. They obviously report (if they're allowed to be honest) that this 100% fails. So this is kind of silly to attempt anyway.
>, Im just not good enough) I have accepted this fact
Fact? Fact did you say? :) No, this is just your current interpretation of your situation. The facts are what happened, but not what that means about you as a person. Your choices now about what to do in this situation will be what really defines you.
Final note: One book that's very easy to read and that I really, really think would help you a lot right now is this one. It's based on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and the key insight for them is to separate your interpretations of situations from the facts--sort of the core message here.
What you need to do is stop feeling guilty and stop beating yourself up for not being disciplined. This creates a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy where you accomplish nothing because you made yourself feel too crappy to even try to do anything. Depression is hard enough to deal without piling all of that added negative junk on top of it. What you should do instead is accept your situation, focus on your present needs, and celebrate your victories even if they seem really small. Learn how to do this effectively and then start tackling bigger tasks from there.
There's a very good book about depression called Feeling Good that I strongly recommend you read. There are a few chapters in there that discuss in detail what I've mentioned above getting yourself to do stuff and not feeling bad when it doesn't happen. I suffer from depression myself, and it has helped out a lot.
>"The things you say to your child NOW become the voices in their head in the future"
From a post in Ask Reddit which I cannot find at this time.
There is a cacaphony of critical, judgemental, negative, hurtful, voices which become "Intrusive Thoughts." Loops that playback over and over in your head. Thoughts that undermine your self-confidence or motivation.
Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy is a book that describes "Cognitive Behavior Therapy"-- where you learn to grab hold of your negative thoughts and tell them to GO AWAY.
If Intrusive Thoughts are seriously holding you back from success and happiness, it's OK to look into medication-- the family of SSRI's and all the related "re-uptake inhibitors" are suprisingly effective at shutting down negative thinking.
I found the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy helpful when I was depressed. Though by the time I was reading it I was self motivated to get out of my pit - which can be a very hard point to get to. I also suffer mostly from negative thought patterns so cognitive behavioural therapy worked well for me, your SO might be different.
Do you have a support system outside of him? Depression does not only affect those who have it, but also the people around them - especially live-in significant others.
I taught myself CBT from a book that cost $6.79: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 and meditation, well there's a lot of internet resources that are cheap or free.
As a commenter posted below, most social services are offered at a state or county level. Local politics is a lot easier to change than you'd think. If you're upset at how your local state is doing, perhaps you should do something about that?
Because, if you're trying to sell that we ought to redirect funding from childrens programs, well, you know that is a futile fight.
I can not recommend this one enough. Really. https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I feel like this is the internet subscription version of any decent self help book.
Welcome to the real world. Somehow, someone must have roofied you with a red pill. And let me tell you, it sucks. I fight with it every day.
People sometimes call it a depression. And depression, amongst other things is the red pill. (let's get this staright: im talking about prolonged mild depression, usually of the "I've been like this all my life" kind, and not suicidal tendencies full on negative stuff).
Yeah, the red pill. Depressed people are actually better at seeing how matters really are, it's been scientifically researched. That's because "normal" people are deluding themselves that things are really better than they seem, and it helps them survive the day.
The danger is, being more accurate when it comes to positive delusions and biases, you also lose a bit. Yes, you do realize you have no control over a situation, where an optimist would say otherwise and lose. But you sometimes also think you have no control in stituation where in fact you do.
The problem is, to lead a comfortable life, we do have to lie to ourselves, if just a bit. It's harsh, but that's the truth. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you may start lying to yourelf, but keeping control over which lies you allow yourself to believe in, not to slide over to the other side.
And this is because...
> But what if I get run over by a truck on the way home? Or die a frail old man on a bed?
The you die. No sense in pondering on all possible circumstances, over which you have no control.
> Will they be present in the afterlife? Is there an afterlife?
Quite possibly "no" and "no". There has yet to be a shred of credible evidence pointing the ther way, which brings us to the previous point: don't sweat the stuff you can't control.
> Why did I do all those things?
Ah, now. That's what this all is about, and that is why you need to lie to yourself, just a little. There probably is no God. No higher purpose. It means all of the responsibility is yours. Take it. Seize it. Use it. You have to create meaning, a purpose in your life. A life's purpose is not found, it's made. And only you can do it.
There is nothing that could stop you from going to Germany and becoming that guy who goes on a horse track with a stick and puts the patches of grass ripped by horse hooves back into the holes they left in the ground. Figuratively speaking of course. It's just an example. And you just might find yourself, against all odds, that you enjoy it. That your life is better now.
Now, the lying part. Your body, your brain, your senses they are all lying bastards. They constantly provide you with false information. Starting with optical illusions - look how much you know what's happening behind the scenes, you just can't convince your stupid eyes and brain. And that's why you have to lie to the machinery, to get it to cooperate with your will. You have to train it.
There is no easy way, unless you completely brainwash yourself. The problems you have - people try coping with these every day, and someties choose or unwittingly fall into the easy way. Religion (the blind one type). Sects. Social groups. It's all lying to your brain, in this case it's this overwhelming sense of harmony and higher puropose which comes from being backed up by a throng of people who think the same.
This is lying to yourself of a kind far worse than what I propose. But as always, the better way is much harder.
You have to realize you feel the way you think. Some of the things you think, are just perceptions of reality. But brooding makes you feel wretched. Not because this is how reality is, but because of what brooding makes to your brain chemistry. You have to revert it. But the ways which make your brain respond positively have to be found, by active seeking. You may think "oh, I'm not a go-kart person". Screw what you think. You don't know how your brain will respond, it's already lying to you. You have to atually try something, I can't stress it enough. Playing a guitar. Fucking knitting. Try stuff out.
Body hygiene: physical excercise, set sleep patterns, keeping hydrated.
It all does stuff to your brain, making expenditure of energy needed to try stuff easier. Developing rituals will give you the backbone. Our lives need to have at least some sort of rigor, self-imposed patterns for the brain to feel safe, and be able to explore other possibilities of development. At the beginning this was provided by your parents, now it's your responsibility.
You also need to feel needed. You need to try stuff that will make you feel useful. If you know some subject rather well - go teach someone. Go volunteer. Learn a new subject. Listen to Richard Feynman.
It can feel overwhelming, and you may fear commitment, taht if you pick something up, you have to stick with it, otherwise it makes no sense. I say this is wrong, watch this, and apply.
Yes, the life has no point and no sense. It's time make one for yourself. It won't be easy, it won't make the angst go completely away, but it's worth it.
P.S. Read this book, skip the first few preaching chapters if you need. It will be lying, but hopefully I got across the message, that you have to do some amount of it.
P.S.2. When recording progress (do that), compare yourself to how you were yesterday, a week ago, under no circumstances compare yourself to others. There may be a professional runner who feels miserable, because he compares himself to others. I, having only one leg, may feel better than him, because I was able to go to two places today instead of usual one.
P.S.3. Never, ever tell anyone what you're doing, until after you've done it. Telling someone makes this lying bastard, the brain, tell you you don't need to do it now that you've told someone. For him, telling someone it as good as doing, and you lose the incentive, the motivation.
For all that is holy, do not give delta to anyone. Not until after you've worked on yourself for at least half a year, and are relatively sure you won't 'slide back'.
Interesting discussion, but this description of CBT is a bit misleading. CBT is quite different from simple "positive affirmations", and in fact goes to some lengths to distance itself from that kind of "Pollyanna" approach to changing thoughts and emotions.
A cognitive behavioral therapist would never ever tell a depressed person to "think happy thoughts", but instead would use the Socratic method to carefully examine depressive thoughts like "I'm no good" or "My life has no meaning".
The idea is that by carefully considering the evidence, both negative and positive, one can discover that many negative thoughts are quite unrealistic and that there is an enormous amount of evidence that the world is not as black and white as people often believe.
If anyone's interested in a basic intro to CBT, Feeling Good is a simple, very readable primer on the basics.
>I wonder if these nagging feelings will continue, and if it’s worth giving up an amazing connection with him to find someone who will be...I suppose easier in the sense that we can experience life together for the first time.
What I see you saying here is that you really care about this guy. He makes you genuinely happy, your relationship is strong, and you could see yourself building a life together.
HOWEVER, there is this issue between you that could potentially break your relationship. And if that happens, you would need to move on from the connection you've found with him. You'd return to the search, hoping to find someone more compatible to share your life with.
Do you see where I'm going with this? You can't imagine how your partner could want to be with you after committing to someone previously, but that's exactly what you're considering here.
Now imagine all this comes to pass. You end the relationship with your partner, you date around a while, and eventually you begin a new relationship with a different man. After being together a year, you're on solid footing and you're even discussing the possibility of marriage and a family together.
Tell me this: what is your take on this hypothetical new guy?
Would you be pining for the man you're with now? Would you be holding up the new guy to a standard he'd never meet? Would you accept his love and devotion begrudgingly while thinking "UGH I guess I'll have to settle for this second-rate knock off! I wish I could be with the love of my life - the one it didn't work out with. Too bad I'm stuck with this dumb fuckface who loves me and wants to see it work."
Or do you believe you could genuinely love again even if you'd cared deeply for someone else before? Even if he wasn't the first guy you'd considered a family with, would you still be excited to see where things went with him? Would you be excited about hitting certain relationship milestones with him?
Now, this isn't to convince you to ditch your current partner and go seek out something else - although obviously that's your call. But I would like you to put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment.
Other people here have described you as selfish, but I suspect you're just insecure as fuck. You're not concerned that this great guy doesn't measure up to your standards, you're worried that you don't measure up to his. I would suggest that before you chuck an otherwise good relationship, you ask yourself if this is really about his past or if it's more about yours. Is it possible that this situation is just stirring up anxieties that existed before he came along?
If so, the solution will probably involve some self work. You might try journaling, written CBT exercises, working on your confidence, or even seeking out the guidance of a therapist. The change you see from those courses of action are probably going to be a lot quicker and frankly cheaper than cutting ties with a great partner and throwing yourself back out on the dating market hoping to find a partner who doesn't trigger your anxieties in one way or another.
So I'm not trying to be a dick by asking this but I have been reading this book about mindfulness and depression that was suggested on /r/Anxiety. One of the things the book talks about is the way depression fucks with our thinking. My question to you is "How do you know things won't get better?" Unless you have some sort of X-Men type power that can see into the future, you don't know that things will not get better. Sure 8 months seems like a long time but if you really really think about it, it's such a small amount of time in your life. Depression can really really cripple your mind. It twists reality into something that isn't the true, and it does it so well that you end up stuck in a loop of negative thinking. You get so down on yourself that you actually start to believe that those negative thoughts seem true. Stopping those negative thoughts is not an easy task, I'll give you that. I have been there, in fact many people have been there. You might be thinking "Dude, no one can understand where I am at right now. You don't know me!" You are right I don't know your struggles, but a struggle is a struggle no matter what it is, am I right? So why compare your struggles to someone elses's? Struggles are on a level playing field. what is not a level playing field is how long it takes us to overcome those struggles, and there should be no shame in that. Why? Because your still trying to overcome those struggles. Trust me in this, and I am sure everyone in this sub can attest to what I am about to say, giving up on overcoming those struggles isn't going to make you feel any better, change your life for the better, or make you feel good about yourself. Eventually it'll land you right back to where you started. The cycle will happen over and over again until you figure it out. Now you gotta ask yourself, how long do I want to stay in that cycle? My whole life? A few more times? Or do I just keep pushing forward, even if it's millimeters at a time? I say go with the millimeters. Sure you might not see immediate results, or maybe you will, but you don't know unless you keep moving those millimeters. And if you fail, accept that it happened. Don't wallow in that drowning sludge of sorrow and guilt. Wallowing just makes it harder. Forgive yourself and move on. I'll suggest 2 books that really have really helped me in understand my anxiety and depression a little better. First one is called The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Feeling Good by David Burns. I know the titles sound super hippy dippy and cheezy. I had that thought as well when they were suggested, but once I started reading them the stuff they were saying made a fuck ton of sense. I found myself often saying "Holy shit! That is exactly how I feel and exactly my thought process. These are not cures, they are tools. Like any tool you can either let it sit there or you can pick it up and try to figure out how to use it to your advantage and you have to keep applying it. It might sound daunting but believe me friend the more you practice it the easier it is. Please give those books a try, I mean considering the alternative (staying where you are at or going back to something that is going to make you feel worse about yourself) what is $20 and an hour of reading for a couple of months? Also, fucking 8 months!!! Holy shit! That is fan-friggin'-tastic. How about staying in it for another two months and make it a year. You're a warrior! You can do it. You just gotta try to break out of that cycle and rewire that negative thought pattern. I promise you it's easier than you think...or your depression thinks.
If you don't like counselors or any other method that involves talking to someone there is another way. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
You know that voice inside your head that tells you bad things? CBT is a method of retraining that voice and to change your thinking pattern.
Heres a book I recommend:
No problem, my guy! Okay so book-wise. The two main recommendations are dependent on what it is you're going through, so choose your own adventure I guess...
So for a broad take on what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is what I'm describing above) is with perhaps somewhat more of a focus on depression than anything else I'd go with this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
However if you want something from the same author that specialises more specifically in CBT for Anxiety it's this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Panic-Attacks-drug-free-therapy/dp/0091929601
I personally read 2/3 the way through the first one wandering when it was going to go more into Anxiety until I found the second one and just went through all of that myself. But as I've mentioned, the first one introduces you to the concept of CBT overall better. But both books have a handful of techniques that help you untangle certain thought illusions (or 'Cognitive Distortions' as they are officially titled) which cause Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Anger, etc.
As for other recommendations; Maybe my second favourite book is 10% Happier by Dan Harris, which is quite a popular one you may have heard of. Basically about an NBC reporter's journey through the world of meditation, which is also a really worthwhile subject to anyone interested in the upkeep of their own mental health or indeed the mental health of others.
Then I guess the book I've gifted the most and my personal favourite is Anxiety As An Ally by Dan Ryckert which is an account of a game journalist's experience with Anxiety growing up. Honestly the easiest book I've ever read. It's just so unpretentious and candid, genuinely funny at points too. I've found it's been a really nice way to get family members to understand what Anxiety or even mental health in general is. A very encouraging and vindicating read for anyone who has dealt with it.
You’ve already done a service by explaining to him some reasons behind the break-up. At this point it’s more important to take care of yourself.
You should seek professional help for the self harm, but also checkout the book, “feeling good” the new mood therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. Amazon has a feel sample
Also heres an episode of the Multiamory podcast directly related to break-up that I’ve found very helpful myself.
70 - Polyamorous Breakups
You have to learn to realize your thoughts don't always make logical sense and combat them either in the moment or before they jump on you. I'd strongly recommend the book Feeling Good which goes into detail about some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
In general and for me, I accept too much blame for things or assume things will go badly. A quick short cut for me is to place the blame back outward. An easy example might be something like showing up to the wrong movie time. "It's not my fault we showed up to the wrong movie time, my girlfriend was the one to look up the times on her phone, no reason for me to feel awkward."
Congratulations on your decision to get help! You can do it. In you post history, I can see that you struggle with depression.
First, where are you located? Are you in Europe, in the US, somewhere else? In most places, you can find therapists. Are you still in school or studying? Many schools and universities offer free mental health councelling. Check those out! Depending on your situation, you might be able to qualify for government assistance. I am not in the US, but I believe you can check HealthCare.gov to find out if you qualify and take your next steps from there. If you don't qualify, there is a very cool blog post by a psychologist on how to get mental health care on a budget: http://slatestarcodex.com/2018/04/25/mental-health-on-a-budget/
Let me quote from that article:
"This section is on ways to do therapy if you cannot afford a traditional therapist. There may also be other options specific to your area, like training clinics attached to colleges that charge “sliding scale” fees (ie they will charge you less if you can’t afford full price).
1. Bibliotherapy: If you’re doing a specific therapy for a specific problem (as opposed to just trying to vent or organize your thoughts), studies generally find that doing therapy out of a textbook works just as well as doing it with a real therapist. I usually recommend David Burns’ therapy books: Feeling Good for depression and When Panic Attacks for anxiety. If you have anger, emotional breakdowns, or other borderline-adjacent symptoms, consider a DBT skills workbook. For OCD, Brain Lock.
2. Free support groups: Alcoholics Anonymous is neither as great as the proponents say nor as terrible as the detractors say; for a balanced look, see here. There are countless different spinoffs for non-religious people or people with various demographic characteristics or different drugs. But there are also groups for gambling addiction, sex addiction, and food addiction (including eating disorders). There’s a list of anxiety and depression support groups here. Groups for conditions like social anxiety can be especially helpful since going to the group is itself a form of exposure therapy.
3. Therapy startups: These are companies like BetterHelp and TalkSpace which offer remote therapy for something like $50/week. I was previously more bullish on these; more recently, it looks like they have stopped offering free videochat with a subscription. That means you may be limited to texting your therapist about very specific things you are doing that day, which isn’t really therapy. And some awful thinkpiece sites that always hate everything are also skeptical. I am interested in hearing experiences from anyone who has used these sites. Until then, consider them use-at-your-own-risk." (end quote)
There are also sections on prescription medicine and on supplements in that article. Check it out!
If you are in a particularly bad spot or just need somebody to talk, there are lots of phone lines and services where you can call in for free. One example: https://www.crisistextline.org/depression/ (US-based).
There are also subreddits like /r/depression where you can get help from people who actually know what they are talking about.
Good luck and hang in there!
>I don't think it's depression. I've had moments of extreme loneliness, but It's never been crippling. I can function just fine.
Honestly, you sound pretty depressed. You don't need to be crippled by it to be depressed. For some people it is mild, and stays that way (or goes away). For some, it becomes worse over time. But the way you describe screams depression to me.
As a practical guide, look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a start. You don't require a therapist for it (although it would be nice but I know you won't (or can't) be going that route as a start). So I suggest you this book. I witnessed it helping tremendously to many people first hand (if you do your CBT homework as presented in the book). Research it first and see what you are getting into. This is not an ad, if you want I can send you a digital copy (pirated) or you can find it online. I just want you to consider it. Best of luck.
Also, you were smart enough to get into the program, and that's the bottom line. Good enough gets the same degree as everybody better.
I was advised to read Feeling Good by a friend who felt the same way, and the activities in there helped me tremendously.
The big key is you need something repeatable that you can practice. For that I like cognitive behavioral therapy (I would read Feeling Good) and meditation (I like Meditation in Plain English, a free book). CBT is a good way to stop believing things that aren't true and meditation is a good way to help ignore the things that are.
My sympathies. I've not burnt out from sex work, but I have burnt out from other kinds of work, and I've found these two books to be helpfu:
Just a few things that come to mind:
Self-Awareness> There are a lot of ways to work on this and most of them are worth trying. An effective goal might be to find some things that work for awhile, and prepare yourself to seek out other options when those don’t offer the same effectiveness. I’m pretty sure that when we dedicate the time to it, we provide ourselves with information that empowers us to make the decisions that bring about our idea of success.
Expectations> Most of us don’t want to fail. A lot of us feel like if we don’t meet the expectations that we’ve set for ourselves then we’re failures. This often causes some of us to avoid things that we feel we won’t “succeed” at. Hey, I’m not saying we shouldn’t set high goals for ourselves... but when we don't meet our expectations, maybe we could slowly get better at treating ourselves with the kind of love and encouragement that we would extend to our most loved of loved ones when they "fail."
Exercise> God damn it I hate exercise. I wore a button in fifth grade that said: I’m too out of shape to exercise. I’m thirty-nine now and I’ve still never had a consistent workout regimen. For a lot of us, this shit is probably harder than everything else we’ll consider in this thread. But there’s plenty of evidence to show that when the rest of our body is functioning at a more optimal level that we have more tools to work with, and that our tools are more effective. I hate exercise.
Group Discussion> Last year I attended an intensive outpatient group therapy program. This was my first experience with group therapy and I freaking love that shit. I learned that the gems to mine from this experience have very little to do with whoever is leading the group or which organization is providing the facility... as long as you feel like everyone is given the opportunity to share without reproach. Empathy is what it’s all about. The more courageous you are about sharing your struggles, the more empowered your fellow group members will be to do the same. When empathy is flowing freely most people are able to recognize some of their own cognitive distortions, AND help others find their own. Not every group is going to function well, but I think it’s well worth the effort to find on that does. You might start with looking into a DBSA group near you. My advice would be to look for one with 10-15 attendees. If you've got insurance that will cover it, you might check into an Intensive Outpatient Group Therapy program offered by a local hospital.
Books> These are just a few that have offered me some help—and a few that I just acquired but haven’t read yet.
Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength
Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain
Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice from the Best in the World
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Also, this is me patting you on the back lovingly and then turning it into a hug:
Did you feel it?
Disclaimer: I’m currently doing pretty poorly at all of these things.
I'm introverted and used to be very awkward and shy. At around 17 I noticed it was an area I needed to improve so I started to look around. These are some of the stuff that has helped me change from Shy to energetic (being introverted never changes though but, I love it). Wanting to change is the most important part of it all, you can have all the resources in the world and just not make it because you don't really want it. now, off to the books:
Have you ever looked into cognitive behavioral therapy? It helps change the tone of your negative inner narrative but it does take some work on your part. I'm not 100% better, but it helps.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_oAdAwbYB9BHWR
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns would work well as a starting point. It doesn't take extensive preparation or much special knowledge to start work on CBT, but it does require you to commit to doing the exercises. The book isn't a replacement for a mental healthcare professional. Aside from it being just generally helpful to have someone talk you through the exercises, a professional can help you with issues that may be keeping you from doing the work in the first place.
Hoo boy, I've been in a similar situation. In fact I'm just sort of pulling myself out of a similar situation. So much of what you wrote resonated with me.
Here's the deal. I'm obviously not a therapist or anything, but I've seen a few, and I've found some things that have helped me, and I'll try to share them with you.
First of all, you need to stop thinking of this as something you're doing to your boyfriend. Depression and anxiety are mental health disorders. Think of it like a chronic illness or allergy. The goal should be to figure out strategies to let you live your life as comfortably/normally as possible, just like treating a chronic illness. Right now, your goal is to get through your last exam and finish your thesis (that was my big issue too!). So there absolutely are "treatments" for depression and anxiety, and they aren't all medication-based.
The thing that I've found most helpful is something called cognitive behavioral therapy. It's basically an attempt to train yourself to control the thoughts that make you upset and anxious, and to find strategies to help you through situations that trigger your depression and anxiety. This might be something you could ask your therapist to help you with, or you can try it yourself! Here are some resources that you might find helpful:
A book I've read that is full of concrete techniques to help yourself during times of emotional stress (like right now, when you have to worry about a thesis and an exam and a distant boyfriend!) is called Feeling Good. It's quite a popular book so you might be able to get a cheap used copy or find it for free online.
I just found this site which has a whole section of self help techniques for dealing with anxiety specifically is called AnxietyBC. I haven't tried any of the suggested techniques myself, but they seem to have lots of suggestions and further resources.
Finally, if you have a smart phone with app capability, you can try SAM. It was developed by a team of psychologists, students, and computer scientists. I use this app myself, and find it quite helpful in situations where I'm feeling particularly anxious or upset.
Again, look at this as a health issue that you need to find ways to treat effectively. There are lots of concrete techniques you can find online or in books, and your therapist may know a few as well. You may have to try a number of them to figure out what works for you. If you're persistent, you could get to the point where you are in control of your depression and anxiety almost 100% of the time!
As a side note, I've dealt with boyfriends who just don't understand depression and anxiety. I've tried giving them reading material I've found online or just talking to them about what depression is. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Depression is a confusing thing for people who don't have the disorder. I think the most important thing is that your boyfriend acknowledges that this is a health issue that is not your fault. Maybe that's as far as he gets in understanding. That could work for you two. You can develop a tool kit of techniques and things that make you feel better when you're dealing with a bout of depression or anxiety, and then you won't need to rely on him for support he doesn't know how to give.
Hope this helps....you can get through this, ok?
Feeling Good by David Burns it's great for anyone, depressed or not
Here is a video that was helpful to me when I first discovered the unhelpful thinking styles that you are talking about (they are called "cognitive distortions" and are a foundation upon which CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is built upon). There is an exercise in it the video I did (with pen and paper) that helped me start to deal with my own poor thinking habits and get better at rectifying them.
I own the book Feeling Good which also has some Do-it-yourself CBT exercises in it that I've done.
I'm not an expert and to be honest I should probably do some more of this stuff myself, I've gotten a bit lazy about it but I do remember it being incredibly eye-opening! Even now I can catch myself getting into to those thought patterns and recognize the cognitive distortion in play and help prevent myself from going further down that train of thought and try re-orient my thinking back to reality.
I'm happy to share this with you, hope it's helpful :)
Stop focusing and thinking about the negatives. Think about the positives. Everytime you catch yourself thinking about a reason you can't be successful, think of two reasons you CAN be successful, which can even be as simple as you are motivated to succeed.
The only thing holding you back with girls that is that you THINK you have problems, not anything you actually mention. No money, think your ugy, lanky? That is all bullshit man, if you were comfortable with yourself the girls will not care.
Approach more, and just fucking ask "Hey, are you single?" in the first 5 minutes. Nothing wrong with this especially if its going to be in the back of your mind.
Nature doesn't select against beauty man, it filters against signs that you are fit to mate. Pre-selection, leader of men, protector of loved ones, etc. etc. You present the best you and you will be rolling in women.
I can tell you right now, with basically 100% certainty that it is all of your negative self-thoughts that are killing you with women. You have all this crap in the back of your head "She has a bf, I've never kissed a girl, I'm too ugly, she is going to reject me, this will never work" and it comes out in the conversation and body language.
I would highly suggest you start meditating and get your head straight, try to find some peace with who you are as a person.
In the mean time, I'd suggest you follow some of the more strict material methods, get yourself some good personal DHV stories and bring up the topic of sex at some point, you need to be viewed as a sexual person not just some random fun guy.
Report back after starting a regular meditation practice and asking "Are you single"(after opening) for 10 approaches.
Edit: I highly suggest the book "Feeling Good". I think it could help you get ahold of the negative self-views.
You remember the annoying old saying old folks use "If you set your mind to something, you can do it?"
You're proving it, and making your life better (and yourself safer)>
If you aren't currently taking any supplements, a multivitamin and 200Iu of vitamin D daily are a good idea. The multi for obvious reasons, the D helps fight depression and makes many of the other vitamins more effective.
Keep up the good work. And for those rough patches, I recommend having this book.
It may be at your local library. You don't need it now, you are in a good, positive place. But for when it seems to be raining every day, and nothing's going quite right, it can be a huge help. It was for me.
Olen ise sama asja kogenud ja sinust paar aastat vanem. Isiklikust kogemusest:
For me it's hard to adjust to being less unhappy. I know that days when I feel 'lighter' that part of me feels like something is wrong - 'Why am I in a good mood?? What am I forgetting to worry about??'
Other times the meds just aren't right for you. I'm sure you know it typically takes two weeks to level off on new medicine. Are you up for changing meds? I don't blame you not wanting to go to counseling. Not saying it wouldn't help - I'm sure it does for some - but I'd rather do it myself. Have you read the cognitive therapy book Feeling Good?
It sounds like you could use some self-esteem. This book has great exercises for building self-esteem, and can also help you care a bit less about what other people think of you: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0380810336?cache=&amp;p4c7af82d9bad7575389e404b38c7b878i=SY200_QL40&amp;qid=1405865496&amp;sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1
Hope this helps and that everything works out for you!
INTP here as well. I too failed many a class (mostly in college, though, not HS). In fact, I never even graduated. I fell into cycles of optimism at the beginning of each semester. As other things that weren't my actual coursework absorbed me, I started missing classes and getting behind. Eventually, I crossed a point of no return and decided that the class was a lost cause, and gave up on it entirely. My transcript is full of incompletes and 0.0s out of 4.0!
Do I regret it? Kind-of... I used to carry a lot of guilt and embarrassment about not finishing. Only recently, and with some actual pay therapy with someone competent was I able to come to terms with this guilt and let it go. Would I do it differently if I could get a do-over? Definitely.
Now, I got lucky after I dropped out. I got a great job (initially making squat) at a small company where I could exercise my INTP genius-skills. This has allowed me to grow into a six-figure salary with future interests in the company. Now, this is all well and good, but again, it was luck. I can't guarantee that you will see the same success if you drop out of college or high school.
Here's what I would do, if I were you. First, get the book Feeling Good by David Burnes. This will go a long way towards "fixing" some of that depression you may have. It is a very practical book that can teach you to short circuit your own negative thoughts. As an INTP you will find this easy to do. Don't worry, I used to think self-help books were bullshit too, this one is actually really good. Seriously, this book changed my life.
Next, knock off the bullshit. You need to kick yourself in the ass a bit. The fact that you are posting here and reaching out is great. But it also tells me that part of you knows you are "excusing" your behavior. Knock that shit off. It is not doing you any favors, and you know you are better than that. The previously mentioned book will help, but you need to acknowledge your culpability and actually want to do something about it.
Finally, find your genius. If it's Comp Sci, cool (I'm in a related field). Focus on developing your skills. Become a master. You have the mind and ability for it, whatever it is. Your ever so rare brain is your greatest asset. Exercise and hone it. Find those things that interest and engage you, and become expert. Stretch this out as long as you can before you get bored (because you will -- you're an INTP), to reallyexpand your knowledge, skill, and ability. Remember, Einstein was an INTP, and he failed classes too.
In 10 years, your high school failings won't matter, unless you let them matter.
Here's the deal.
I've seen your posts around the Wichita and depression subreddits. I remember because whenever I see you post you sound pretty similar to me. I've been depressed for several years, gotten down to just a couple friends, socially anxious, etc. Recently I've been taking really good care of these problems, though. I've started seeing a therapist, reading a few EXCELLENT books (take a look at this one and this one. They're life changers) and putting all this help to work in my life.
I didn't think I would, but I have noticed subtle changes happening in my life. It's taken a few months, but it feels like I'm finally on my way to being more or less "normal", or at least not having to worry about my depression or freaking out when I am in a social situation. In my classes and at work (I'm a sophomore at WSU) I have been starting to talk to more people and have been able to hold pleasant conversations for at least a few minutes. I've even gotten a couple people's numbers, which for me is a fucking milestone.
Ditch the negative attitude. How you live is fleshed out by how you're thinking about life in general. Seriously, give those two books a chance and read them cover to cover. They will help you out, I promise. Consider even seeing a therapist. PM me if you'd like the number of my guy, he's very nice and easy to talk to, has a great way of putting things into perspective and is introverted like me, which I'm guessing you are as well. It's not going to be easy, and is going to take some serious self-reflection, but the earlier you start the sooner you will be able to be happy with your life. Good luck.
EDIT: Now that I think about it, seeing a therapist should be first on your list of priorities. If you have the money, do it. Having someone there to help you (and a professional at what they do, at that) will help you much more than reading a book on your own could.
As someone who suffers from anxiety, why shouldn't people get annoyed if you're repeating yourself over and over again? I get annoyed when people won't shut the fuck up about something too.
I doubt many people (some though, sure) would respond with the quotes in image 7, that might just be your anxiety putting words into people's mouths.
It is possible to get the kind of support offered in image 6 internally instead of relying on other people.
I'm 36 years old and live alone. It's a lot quieter and cheaper than being married.
The first thing you should remember is that happiness and self-esteem comes from within. There are tons of rich celebrities that are extremely attractive and are miserable.
I highly recommend you read the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. You can get it for free at your library or on Amazon.com. I wish I had read it when I was your age. It basically shows you how to think your way to happiness, regardless of your circumstances.
What to do with your life should be to try to help other people. I highly recommend picking a religion and sticking with it. American culture hates religion but almost all the studies show that religious people are happier than atheists.
Good luck and keep us updated.
Agree with the other poster. You need new friends so you won't stifle your other friends.
You might want to read Feeling Good by David Burns. It shines a light on this kind of predictive thinking.
Huh, only terrible people have answered you at this point. It seems it's up to me to treat you like an actual human being, with actual compassion! I know you didn't explicitly ask for advice, but I'll just write this out, and you'll consider it if you want.
Once you find a therapist, here's a good article to read through before your first visit: https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-expect-in-your-first-counseling-session/
If things aren't clicking between you and the therapist after the first couple of visits, don't be afraid to cancel future appointments and try another one. (Don't just ghost them though; make sure you cancel the appointments or they could charge you a cancellation fee.)
The first therapist I ever went to fell asleep during our first meeting. I called the next day and told her I didn't think it was going to work out.
If you decide you don't want or can't afford therapy, here is a really good book: https://amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ I've used it a couple of times to help me out of a slump.
Just remember that it's OK to ask for help.
Professional help is a game changer. Please, if you can, get professional help. If you can't because you can't afford it, I would recommend books.
These two books helped me very much. But I also read them while doing talk therapy.
My self-talk was a non-stop flood of corrosive negativity. Like, so fucking cruel and toxic it was agonizing.
I can suggest some things that helped me quiet those voices:
This was my first holiday home after discovering and coming to grips with the fact that I was raised by a uBPD mother. It was difficult for me too, but I feel like being armed with that information opened the door for growth. I'm also finding (as a 30 year old man) that it is painful to start processing all of this now, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Even just reading Surviving a Borderline Parent is stressful and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
You're not alone, and I'd even venture to say that your reaction is pretty normal. It's going to be important to establish some healthy outlets to deal with the anxiety you're feeling. I suggest:
I'm no expert but I did seek help not too long ago after suffering from depression for many many years.
Those self diagnostic tests are helpful but they are not the end all be all. Take it again in a couple weeks and see what you get.
If you're scoring high it may be worth getting some help. My therapist recommended a book called "feeling good: the new mood therapy" and I found it really helpful.
I highly recommend you read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" and seek a good CBT therapist. You're not alone, and stay strong.
I recommend this book for CBT self help:
I'm happy you found a therapist who helped you navigate through your difficulties. If you could analyze what your therapist did to help you recover, that will help too.
Firstly, my toolkit involves using a combination of meditation and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). To successfully execute CBT, you need to be self-aware and mindful. Practice both together. This is important because when you're able to catch yourself thinking negatively, or start having unwanted thoughts, you're able to identify it and be aware of it's presence. Once you "catch" these thoughts, debate with yourself logically why those thoughts are irrational. The book I read was Feeling Good by David Burns.
Initially, this will be very hard, and it takes a lot of work, but it gets easier and easier once you master it, and trust me when I say this, the ROI for working on this is literally priceless. Took me a consistent 3 years of practicing everyday to pull me out of darkness.
Gradual therapy, slowly exposing yourself to things that scare you. For me the big one was social anxiety and fear of rejection. I made it a mission to go outside everyday just to be in the presence of others. Doing things I like outside with other people. I go to the gym, play pickup soccer and basketball.
Putting yourself first. INFJs love to put others first. Don't do that until you satisfy your needs. Be assertive with what you want and communicate it to others. It seems counter-intuitive, and feels like you're being selfish, but people respect people who hold their ground and provide for themselves first. Your confidence will soar from this. Which has a multiplier effect onto everything you do.
Stoic philosophy. The basis of this philosophy is to only put your energy towards things you can control. Things that you can realistically do right now to change the situation. Things out of your control, for example, other people's thoughts and feelings, the weather, the stock market, be quick to realize a situation you can't control and push it out of your peripheral. Life is too short so don't waste your time on it.
Exercise consistently & keep your diet in check. a must if you're serious about improving yourself. ROI is also priceless and kills many birds with one stone. (self-esteem, confidence, health, mood, sleep, relationships)
Good luck and be very patient. Sometimes you will feel like it's not working, but keep at it and only evaluate yourself after 6 months on your progress, because progress is slooooooow. I guarantee you using the combination factors above will move the needle more positively. If you have any more questions feel free to ask.
This is going to be a pretty long-winded post because most of the sentiments you are feeling right now are phases I went through are college (I am currently a senior, and though my situation has improved since the beginning of college, I am still facing some of the lingering effects of depression).
In my belief, recovering from depression has to be practical, personal, and environmental. Practical in the sense that you need to take care of yourself and the environment around you (i.e. cleaning your room (btw, I'm no Jordan Peterson fan; cleaning my room is just an easy way for me to get the day started and feel good about myself), working out, eating healthy, practicing hygiene, meditation, etc). Though it may seem like it might not have a direct effect on you, organizing yourself and your environment does give a sense of self-control and does create a better image of yourself.
As for personal, depression does not simply come from genetics (yes, I know there are cases where this is true, but in my personal belief, depression can also be defined by your past experiences and the environment you are currently in). For me, depression really came from the conflicts I had with my parents and my unpreparedness of going to college. My mom was so desperate for me to get into a good college that she ended up doing my entire art portfolio and I had to write fake comments about what those art pieces meant. Thus, when I got to a college that is well-ranked, I felt like a total sham; I felt like the education that I was receiving was not of my own, but my mother's. I was only able to really figure this out by attending four years of therapy, and even now, I'm still going through some personal struggles. The personal aspects of your life takes time to figure out, but at the same time, is also a great source of clarity.
Finally, the final aspect of recovering from depression is environmental. Without having friends and families nearby, it can worsen the effects of depression because it makes you feel isolated and feel as if you're the only crazy individual out of seemingly-normal people. For me, it's hard to interact with my family because we just did not talk to each other that often in the first place. As for friends, I did have one friend in the beginning of college, but I have felt ambivalent about it because I felt like the activities we were doing together wasn't really improving my well-being (going to bars, playing games, etc). I do appreciate the fact that I had a friend, but looking back, I wish I also had another friend who had my academic well-being in mind as well. Also, I realized that I cannot have a single friend in which I can depend on for all my needs (academic, partying, hobbies, personal introspection, etc). I realized that I need to have some friends (not a lot) that meets my different needs, and that perspective change did open up my field of view as to which friends I can make. I have some friends in which I smoke weed with, make games with, study with, and they're all not necessarily in the same group.
But that leads to the question, what if I don't have friends and family members to lean on in the first place? And that's the catch-22 aspect depression. Without friends and families to connect to, we further isolate ourselves into our rooms, breaking down the practical and personal improvements we have built for ourself. This, in turn, makes it harder to reach out to others in the first place because we're not at our best selves and we don't want to perpetuate this negative image of being depressed and not-in-control to others. Personally, I think depression is cyclical in nature, but there is a way to stop it as well. Otherwise, we would never hear stories about how people were able to recover from depression.
So then, here are some of the steps that I found useful when recovering from depression:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns is a great choice. It doesn't focus on SA but rather on anxiety and depression more generally but you can use the methods to approach social anxiety just as well.
There are a couple others which could help you muster up the strength ideologically, like Rejection Proof or The Charisma Myth
It all comes down to being consistent and getting a bit stronger, a bit less anxious day by day. I wish you the very best!
You can get this book - Feeling Good by David Burns for 6 to 8 dollars on Amazon (assuming you're in the US)
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_kO0wCb9B871X6
One of the best books ever written on depression
I agree. It is common for guys to have severe social anxiety problems that are better dealt with through therapy or other professional treatments, before you can even think about doing pickup actively.
One of the earliest books known to the pickup community is Feeling Good by David Burns which is a sort of do-it-yourself Cognitive Behavioral Therapy system. It is no substitute for licensed professionals, but it is a good start. It talks about many of the basic concepts used in the pickup community, but without any of the jargon or techniques we use.
One thing I particularly dislike is people who promote the idea of "rejection therapy." I don't even know where this stupid idea started. Rejection Therapy is a misguided belief that you can desensitize yourself to rejection and social anxiety by deliberately trying to get people to reject you, and getting rejected over and over. Do not do this. All it will do is reinforce your anxieties. You already know how to be rejected. Learn how to not be rejected.
I have worked in fundraising or resource development for 20+ years. I was phobic about asking for donations, but learned a simple thing. My job is to ask for money and not beg or apologize. I simply ask for $XXX and wait.
This skill helps with invoicing. My job is to bill (it's in the contract) and their job is to pay. It's nothing special. Actually, I find it harder to ask clients to do work than invoicing them. I hate "bothering" them to answer a question or review a document.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may help. You would learn to identify your distorted thinking and then counteract it with alternative thoughts. Research has found it effective for depression and anxiety.
You can learn CBT on your own. David Burns' Feeling Good, the Mood Therapy is a great book that teaches CBT techniques.
Don't discount your feelings of neglect regarding your girlfriend. It actually is rational to feel that way. Long distance relationships are ridiculously hard. I'm not saying she needs to change her behavior and text you back more promptly, but maybe you need to find something/one other than her with which to occupy yourself. As sexual beings, we need connection and compassion and it's rough when you cannot achieve these feelings with your partner. It can also put a huge strain on a relationship if one person is leaning on the other for happiness.
I get those depressive moods once I start quitting. I'm actually unsure of how to fix the depression, which is why I've booked a therapist. You could try reading a self-help book Feeling Good is a popular, well-reviewed book, as well as occupying your time with hobbies and interests that you can do on your own.
There's a book about self-help books that really helped me: SHAM: How the Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless. It's a skeptical investigation of the Self-Help and Actualization Movement (or SHAM) that will help you identify which books not to waste your money on.
That said, if you are looking for a cognitive behavioral therapy book, Feeling Good seems to be legitimate. I haven't read the latest edition, but early editions were free of woo and it describes practices that represent the current thinking on cognitive-behavioral therapy among medical professionals. I tend to look down on self-help books with scorn, but this one appealed to my sense of logic and reasoning.
If you don't like the content that's being posted, then do not participate in the group chat. Seeing the porn and constantly reacting in a negative way won't help you get over your insecurities. You have to put these insecurities into perspective and choose how to react rather than go back to feeling bad. It takes a conscientious effort to rise above those negative feelings. No amount of compliments from others will affect you in the long run, it's just a minor increase of feeling good. The fact that you need his constant feedback for empathy shows that it doesn't help.
The deconstructing and analyzing is stuff you should just do in your head. Give him the highlights of what your feelings are, with straight forward questions if you require feedback. The constant chatter of feelings can be exhausting. It isn't necessarily a diss on you. It's just that not everyone is wired to enjoy lots of listening.
Pick up The How of Happiness and Feeling Good so you can get some help with your jealousy and insecurity.
Also not OP, but I have found Feeling Good and Mind Over Mood to be excellent sources for learning CBT.
I'm not invalidating any feelings.
People are entitled to feel what they want to feel — but there is only so far you can go to be inclusive and tolerate of others' feelings before you find yourself bent too far over backwards on your efforts.
Change will happen in life whether you want it or not. Trying to avoid change is unhealthy.
"Who Moved My Cheese" by Spencer Johnson might be a good read for those that have trouble with change.
"Feeling Good" by David Burns would also be a good read as well, that can help with many other things.
Another vote for professional therapy for yourself and possibly together with your husband. It will help you both so much.
If you can't afford/find a professional therapist, LDS Family Services can help (although I think I would recommend outside of that first) or it can be found online for cheaper.
At the very, very least, pick up a copy of the cognitive behavior therapy bible, Feeling Good, and a notebook and read it. Do the exercises, take notes. It will help.
> In analyzing my own depression however, I've really come to the realization that a number of key mental states, thoughts, moments are significant factors. While I appreciate the notion of an SSRI, I tend towards avoiding medication, and I'd like to try to see a psychologist first, to see if I can't begin to tackle some of these factors in a long-term healthy way.
Apologies for not directly answering your question but this is up your alley so I thought I would mention it. Have you heard of the book Feeling Good? It's written by a psychiatrist and it's intended to be a tool for self-treating depression with CBT without drugs.
It was full of eye opening stuff for me, like how depression is actually a basket of distortions in thinking and, among other things, it teaches using rationality to get at the root of these distortions.
EDIT: I just noticed this book is actually mentioned in the comments in the Scott article you linked. Neat.
Your thesis seems to be that the voice is chemical, and therefore a feeling and not a thought, and therefore it controls your behavior directly.
However, thoughts, in turn, control feelings, and this can be demonstrated easily. Ever read something that made you happy or angry or sad? I'm pretty sure you can't transmit psychotropic medicines through the Internet. It's because your brain decoded the words into thoughts, and those thoughts triggered an emotional response, possibly by inspiring another train of thought.
And you can change your thinking habits over time. The best way is to write down what the "voices" are saying, so they can't hide from scrutiny. Then pick out the distortions in each of them, and write down a rational rebuttal that you can actually believe. This is pretty much the entire basis of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which Drs. David Burns and Albert Ellis have written about. According to them, you just have to do it once a day, and after enough time, your thinking habits change. Paperbacks tl;dr? Then read about it on about.com.
Good luck; I hope these tools are useful.
I'm working and can't be of help, but if you're feeling down, I highly recommend the book 'Feeling Good'. No joke, it really can help you out of a funk, it did for me.
Ti stai rovinando la vita per niente. Essere vergini a 22 anni è più comune di quanto credi. E poi due morose le hai trovate, significa che le potrai trovare in futuro. E smettila di pensare al passato. Ormai è andato, non è colpa tua. È pieno di gente con genitori di merda. Avrai la vita più difficile di altri, quindi? Devi giocarti la vita con le carte che hai in mano. Che poi rimuginare non serve letteralmente a niente se non a crearti problemi. Perché lo fai quindi? Sforzati di smettere. Smetti di pensare al passato, smetti di giudicarti. Parti oggi con quello che hai e costruisciti la vita che vuoi. Non ha importanza di chi è stata colpa in passato, la colpa sarà tua se non decidi di cambiare oggi. E dico OGGI.
Due consigli, impara ad isolare i tuoi pensieri falsi/negativi (perché sono bugie e il tuo cervello finisce per crederci). Leggiti questo libro sulla psicologia cognitiva https://www.amazon.it/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 e poi comincia a fare Mindfulness https://www.amazon.it/Metodo-mindfulness-giorni-alla-felicità/dp/8804646861 (meditazione ma in maniera scientifica). Farla ti servirà a imparare ad isolare i pensieri e capire che non devi velare la realtà con le tue proiezioni false.
Detto questo esci di casa e trovarti qualsiasi lavoro di merda che riesci pur di andare via di casa. In caso andrai a vivere affittando una stanza con altri, magari studenti, che importanza ha. L'importante è allontanarti dai tuoi genitori, vedrai che poi tutto si aggiusta.
Check out this book. I had a similar experience with the mental health system, a friend recommended this book, and it put me on the track to recovery. There are copies floating around the internet as well.
I love this. I need to get it in a locket to remind me to be less prickly.
In case your anxiety is still active, I really recommend this book. It was a total game changer for me after decades of anxiety and depression.
Edit: Would you mind offering tiny prints? I'm actually not joking and would like this around my neck as a reminder when I'm not keeping up with the exercises from the book. I found your print shop, but there are just large sizes at the moment. (Thanks if you happen to read this and answer!)
Depression is tough man. May I recommend you this book? Reading it myself right now. It's great.
I'd like to recommend this book to you: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
It's a fave around here, and if you haven't given it a chance, please do. The gist is basically that it's our thoughts that shape our emotions -- and more! Saying something like "I'm too stupid to know how to talk to people..." really tells me you'd get something out of this book!
Fuck. FUCK. 'Demons', I've just read your post, and every comment that followed, and I've gotta say this to you, and to every single one of you. I can relate. Hugely. I just feel like I'm now at the other side, looking back.
I only joined Reddit a couple of months ago having finally 'got' it, and am slowly building my subscriptions; Funny, WTF, world news, etc. I am very new to FA. I joined because my last girlfriend was 7 years ago and I'm not a womanising creep, thus ForeverAlone.
I am 38 in a month but here's the thing - I feel, finally, like I got comfortable in my own skin only a year or two ago. Everything kinda congealed into me and it 'only' took three and a half decades.
When I was in my early twenties, I was a potsmoking, over-eager mess. I was a try-hard, an amiable buffoon, an idiot. That is because during those adult-forming years, 15,16,17, etc, I was truly alone. I literally had no friends. I was fat and bullied in school. Demons, you say "Even if I were to be designated as the bitch of the group, I'd much rather be included in a clique than excluded." Trust me, you don't. I thought these schoolkids were my friends - after all, they were all I had - but they had no interest in me beyond having me around to make them feel better about themselves. After school, I never saw any of them again. (I did call, but no-one wanted to hang out. I quickly got the message.) This was 1990. Years later, when fucking Facebook appeared, I found them and was about to add them as friends until I saw pictures of the vacation to Spain they went on straight after school, and my heart dropped; It took about 15 years to realise they never invited me... but I digress. The point is being the bitch of any group is NOT acceptable.
After school, I was ForeverAlone with a vengeance. If FA existed then - fuck, there wasn't even The Internet - I would've cried tears of joy although nothing would've changed on the ground and I still would've locked myself indoors (particularly over those lonely weekends), atrophying and not 'developing'.
What changed for me was University. (I'm British, and not sure of the US equivalent term. College? I was 18-21). I took a course 100 miles from home and arrived with literally zero friends in my life (I called this my secret shame). It took a while. It was still awkward. But the friends I made were based on something stronger than those immature and critical fuckers I was at school with and, 20 years on, 95% of my friends today are those Uni guys, or their friends.
BUT... I do have a point. There is no perfect. Neither is there some idyllic, Leave it to Beaver childhood and family unit that is the only way to springboard from into the perfect life. We are all fucked-up mammals with our own insecurities and dreams and desires. There is no right or correct way but at the same time there's no wrong way either. Life is a journey each and every one of us is on and we have to nip and tuck our concerns and make them better so we can make ourselves better.
Now let me see if I can bring everything together into something resembling coherence...
Not everyone here has my experience being physically or mentally bullied at school although I'm sure some of you do. The point is we already have backgrounds and experiences to draw upon and share. This is what makes us us, no matter how unpleasant, or too personal, or even trivial you may think it is to everyone else. Even what you'd consider no personality is a personality.
I used to feel exactly the same when it came to relationships with people. Why couldn't I make people laugh, like X? Why aren't I as interesting as Y? This is all comparison shopping with others, and doesn't help. I was aware of this around my mid-Twenties, and learned to stop caring (or more accurately, I learned to stop dwelling so much) by my early-30s, and that's when some door of perception opened. I'm not these other people. I'm me. I have my own take on things, and my own way of dealing with them - and if I'm unhappy about something, I have to change or die.
I guess it took the passing of time for me to get to this stage, as opposed to having some grand revelation, or cure. I just chilled a little when it came to my own insecurities, seeing it as part of me.
You do have life experiences. Using two as an example - and forgive my assumptions - we have grown up in different countries, so there's a wealth of differences there, as well as similarities. There's also a generational gap of your early Twenties and my late Thirties. We have both different perspectives, and similarities too. As my 91yo grandfather said after I'd shown him some gadget back in 1988, "You're never too old to learn".
And then he died.
So here's my fucking perspective, for what it's worth:-
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy
Change Your Thinking
^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly&nbsp;bot
Feeling Good. This book has been making the rounds in my friend circle. It's billed as a "treatment for depression" but I think the thought patterns it teaches are useful for pretty much everyone.
Buy and read Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.
It provides a straightforward and scientifically accepted (Stanford University) self-help method known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
As detailed in the introduction, the clinical trials of the efficacy of the book itself vs the book and meds vs meds alone show equal results between the book and meds, but much longer lasting benefits from the book.
Just do it. It's $5. Throw it away if it doesn't work.
I want to second this book. Feeling Good
I've been dealing with it for about 35 years now- since I was in my early teens. I still definitely have 'bad times', but they're a lot more spread out than they were before about my mid-2os, and they're a bit easier to deal with now that I know what to do. I have noticed that for a lot of people with chronic recurrent depression the earlier years are the worst- it often seems to level off when you're older.
I'd really recommend finding a cognitive behaviour therapist, because that seems to be the most helpful in teaching you ways to cope, as well as to change ingrained patterns of thinking that help you get stuck back in depression. This is a very helpful book, and there's also a very good online program called MoodGym. It doesn't replace a good therapist, but it is useful.
Try to figure out what your triggers might be, and how you can avoid them. For some of us it just seems to be somewhat biological- we just wake up one morning back in the black hole again. But for others it can happen because of fairly identifiable things- hooking up with the wrong people, making some bad decisions, etc. If you can figure out how to avoid some of the triggers, then you're at least a bit further ahead.
And try out some of the things that are fairly well accepted to be useful to at least some people, and make them a regular part of your life if you do find them helpful. Exercise, proper diet, yoga, sunlight, volunteering, meditation, learning to breathe properly, mindfulness, journalling/writing, gardening, building up a good support network etc. Not everything works for everyone, but it's worth taking a good shot at all of them to see what might work for you.
It really can improve- I never would have thought that I'd reach a point in my life where I could go years in a 'good' cycle, but it has happened. Life's a bit more stressful than usual right now, but I've been doing this long enough to know that it will more than likely get better again.
I'm not big on self help books in general, I tend to mistrust them for some reason.... but if you're interested in working on some CBT by yourself I highly recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. I can't personally attest to its efficacy but I know a few people it as helped. In addition there is a decent amount research behind it. Check it out - you can get it used on Amazon for $1.
You are fucking awesome! Great plan and do it now. Don't wait. I'm so happy that I sent an e-mail at 11 p.m. to my current therapist to ask for my first appointment. It really changed my life. Here's also what I did (which may be a bit much for the beginning, but you can slowly integrate some elements if you want):
The good news is, seeing a doctor (and neurologist/psychologist/etc, with a referral) is free.
The bad news is, a 50% reduction in pain is considered a "success", regardless of whether you're well enough to work. migraines are still very poorly understood and it's mostly a matter of trying pills (most of them slow-acting and with major side-effects) until something works.
I'm in a lot less pain these days, but it'll come straight back if I try anything resembling work for more than about an hour a day. I'm very, very lucky to have people who can afford to take care of me.
some other tips for navigating the system:
I'm sorry you've got SAD - it's horrid. I've had it for 10 years, so I have a few suggestions that work for me.
I suffered with it for a long time and I saw a cognitive behavioural therapist.
It worked great, best thing I ever went through with all my life. On my final session with him he suggested I buy this book.
Reading this book is the nearest thing he could suggest to me to actually seeing a therapist in person, you have to make sure you do the exercises in the book also to learn how to change and improve your thinking patterns.
I bought the book twice. One to read every day and one on standby in case I lose the 1st book! Awesome book, and I sincerely hope my suggestion helps some of the people in here to move forward.
[Feeling Good] (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1408032054&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good)
Really helps get to the root of the thoughts that cause depression. I wish I'd found it years ago. It'll only help if someone is willing to follow through with the methods set out in the book.
One thing that helps me break out of this is an idea from Feeling Good, which is a pretty helpful book on cognitive therapy.
Get one of those little tally counters and for every single thing you do that day, even if it's just brushing your teeth or putting on pants, give yourself a tally. By the end of the day, you'll be amazed at how much stuff you did that day, and it'll inspire you to keep doing more stuff 'cause you won't feel like you're a total lazy slob. Even if you end up sitting around watching tv all day, there's always SOMETHING to tally. This helps me break the cycle of feeling guilty for not doing stuff.
Okay, so first let’s take a moment to appreciate that you’ve accomplished the beginning steps needed to get where you want to be. As a person who has struggled with depression, anxiety, and poverty myself, I applaud the fact that you that you’ve already done the really hard thing by starting therapy and sticking with it.
Second, as far the question of a career, I’d say just find a job you can do for the next couple of years. As you get older and understand yourself better, you can decide on a career path. Just don’t hold off on getting a job while you’re trying to decide on a career.
Third, you may want to consider taking the TASC test without waiting to do the study classes. Your state’s education department site says the test is free and you can make three attempts per year, so you could look at the first attempt as an information-gathering mission. I’m assuming the depression/anxiety played a fairly large part in your decision to drop out, so as long as you had somewhat okay grades while you were in school, you probably wouldn’t have trouble passing without the study classes anyway. And if you pass it the first time, that’s great! But if you don’t pass on the first attempt, you’ll have better knowledge of the specific areas you need to focus on before you take the next one (instead of unnecessarily studying ALL of the subjects!).
Fourth, look into free job assistance programs that can help you learn an actual vocation (even without a diploma/TASC certificate). I don’t know about New York, but in my state these programs will even pay for the equipment and clothing you need to do the job. I just did a quick Google search for “New York Job Training Programs” and these are the kind of interesting results that popped up: http://www.vocationaltraininghq.com/free-vocational-training-programs-in-nyc-new-york-city/ (the Office of Adult and Continuing Education, which offers FREE computer classes) and http://www.allny.com/job-articles/free-job-training.html (All NY, which explains how to find free job programs in New York). The beauty of some of these programs, is that you don’t have to cold-call on businesses to convince them to hire you. The program matches you up with employers who are looking for employees they can train up into entry-level positions. Quite a few of them are permanent too. But even if you decide you don’t want to stay in whatever job they help you get, you’ll walk away with more marketable skills and knowledge than you have now. (And you’d be surprised how often the skills you learn in one industry are useful in another).
To help you with the negative self-talk that comes with depression and anxiety, you may want to read “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns, MD (or something similar). His book is an easy to read cognitive therapy book that was written in 1980 but is still relevant today. It will help you learn to short circuit those negative thoughts before they can make you feel bad. It really helped me when I was trying to get my first serious job but kept telling myself I was too stupid/shy to work in that kind of role (it was a courier role in a mortgage company). https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380810336/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
And lastly, here’s a link to something that helped me get through a lot of bad things over the years.. It’s called “The Quitter” by Robert W. Service: https://allpoetry.com/The-Quitter.
Try meds, and try CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).
I'm actually doing both now, and already I can feel a change.
The CBT is the main one, it changes how you think and re-wires your brain almost. The problem is how you think, automatic responses that are happening in your mind and the more you try to stop them the worse they become.
Try reading the book I'm reading ATM. It's for depression more than anxiety, but is basically one of the CBT books that have helped a lot of people beat depression, build self-esteem and change the way they think. I think the big issue is self-esteem.
I'm not saying it'll work, or its worked for me (I'm only a short way in), but you've nothing to lose. Man up a bit and bring the fight to your SA. It's not futile.
The book is Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns.
I bought it last year, read a few pages then gave up, forgot about it. Now I'm actually willing myself to sort myself out and its genuinely helping. The good thing about CBT is it works, it's proven, it makes sense and it can 'cure' you. Give it a shot.
Hey. Take some deep breaths.
Suicide is not the answer you are looking for. From what you wrote, I think working on your depression is more important than worrying about this girl.
>I don't like myself and I want to change
It's time to work on liking yourself.
I would recommend this book as a place to start
I think you'll end up enjoying working on yourself and becoming who you want to be.
Just please get help if you are constantly having suicidal thoughts. That is the last thing you need right now.
I'd recommend the book Feeling Good to gain insight as to the whys and hows of cbt and metacognition. Identifying what thoughts make you feel what ways and being conscious of that helps you determine what makes you feel the way you want. It suddenly becomes less "I should think differently" and more "I'd rather think differently, because I don't like what effect the prior line of thought has on me."
Some days are certainly harder than others, but it stops feeling like a task you need to force yourself into pretty quickly.
You might want to try reading this book:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
It is a "self-help" therapy book aimed mainly to help people deal with depression. My psychiatrist urged me to read (He didn't diagnose me with depression, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but the book is a general guide to living a more mentally stable life). I was reluctant at first but finally got around to reading it. It has really helped me change my perception of everything really.
Based on your description, it sounds like the biggest problem you are dealing with is largely due to your own thoughts.
It isn't that you "aren't capable" or you aren't "strong enough". You feel that way because it is what you think and what you tell yourself. But, it is far from the actual reality. You may have created a distorted reality that you now thoroughly believe to be true, which is that you are "helpless". You may have a negative self-image which leads you to feel bad. You feel bad so you eat. Creating an endless cycle.
This book helps you take note of your own thoughts and control them so you feel better. Whether it be anger, guilt, anxiety, depression etc. It really helped me become more conscious of my inner thoughts. Once you have control of your mind and believe in yourself the rest will follow.
I REALLY urge you to take the time to read this book. It is cheap, and if it doesn't work what's the worse that will happen you waste some time reading it?
Start believing in yourself.
I am currently reading Feeling Good as well as seeing a psychologist to sort my bullshit out. I can vouch for everything in this post. It is very good advice.
You'll be fine. Your supervisor picked you because you were considered capable. But if you're prone to anxiety or panic attacks, I suggest reading this book: Feeling Good.
Despite its "new-agey" appearance it is actually a very good guide to the principles of cognitive behaviour therapy, see the NHS guide here: Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help you make sense of overwhelming problems by breaking them down into smaller parts.
A while ago I read Feeling Good by David Burns, which markets itself as a cognitive approach for treating depression and other mental ailments.
I am not 'fixed' by any measure, but the book helped me to learn more about myself and the way that I behave which has allowed me to make major behavioural changes that have helped me to cope.
I can't vouch for general cognitive therapy, but this book sure helped me an awful lot.
Honestly anything that is an SSRI could be both considered a nootropic and might help with those conditions but i would highly recommend trying other things first and seeing a doctor.
You might also want to look into bibliotherapy. The book "Feeling Good" has been used for depression and anxiety and research has shown it to be rather effective and much cheaper than many other options.
I also found this book to have some useful information for general lifestyle changes that are good for people who have these issues
Also there are now free online programs to help with these conditions
Yeah, your brother sounds pretty depressed. Tell him that you love him and fear for his mental health. Suggest therapy or "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns (the book is scientifically proven to have approx. similar effect to that of cognitive therapy - I can't recommend it enough). If he won't take your advice, let him know that you support him either way, and that he can always come to you for anything.
It takes a while for the depression to fade after you stop smoking. It's going to be a couple of months of emotional bleakness, probably; it was for me.
But that's just, what? Half a semester. Less than your summer break back in high school. You can do that, if what's waiting for you on the other side is the rest of your life, free of this burden.
When the depression gets to me, this book has helped. It might help for getting through the transitional period.
I'm not going to tell you that life on the other side is all rainbows and puppy dogs, but a lot of it is. It's going to be hard getting there; you're going to have to re-define yourself as a person. But that's a rare opportunity. How many people really get to do that in their lives? You get to decide who you're going to be when you're clean.
Get started whenever you're ready. And good luck.
No it's fine. I didn't get diagnosed with depression till I was around 18 or 19 but I definitely struggled with the symptoms for a long time. I was a "gifted" child too, went to the Academically Talented class, honor classes in middle school/high school.
I'm going to tell you thinking your depression is linked to your intelligence or is caused by your intelligence will not help you and it is not true. I mean, tough love, but if you were truly that smart, you'd be attending your classes and not setting yourself up to fail right? The two, while commonly seen as connected here on reddit, is really just a rationalization that only serves to make you ok with being and staying depressed imo.
Depression is a mind disease that affects people of all intelligence levels. It's caused by your automatic thoughts you don't realize you have that take you down painful emotional paths that are familiar and habitual. That was the key to overcoming my depression - catching myself when I started saying something mean to myself "I'm such an idiot", self-defeating "I'll never finish all this work", fortune telling "I'm going to fail", mind reading "That person doesn't like me I know it", or any of the other cognitive biases.
It's hard and takes practice at first to really catch these because odds are you've been telling these things to yourself for years so its habitual and you don't even question the validity of these thoughts, they're just taken at face value as true. That's where the problem lays and where therapy can really help.
I know you didn't ask for advice but I feel obligated to help other people with depression given I experienced for a long time without knowing how to treat it and how much taht can suck.
I'd really recommend reading Feeling Good, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbook for overcoming depression. It's about finding pinpointing the specific depressive thoughts you have, catching them as they happen, and disputing them. It's very effective for some people.
The other book I'd recommend is The Mindful Way Through Depression, it's a Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy. It's about catching the thoughts, but then learning how to view them non-judgementally and accepting them without letting them hurt your life in the manner they currently do.
I'd recommend Feeling Good first as it's more straight forward, less abstract, and if you've never meditated or tried mindfulness before its easier to get your head around. But after that there are many things in the second book that will help aid you as well.
I hope this helps. PM if you want someone to talk to. Most Uni's also offer free therapy sessions, I'd definitely look into that as well.
CBT has a lot of tools to help with this. I'd even wager that you're not actually unattractive but that you've conditioned your mindset to see yourself this way. Cognitive distortions can quite literally change the way you see the world (including yourself).
I'd recommend any of these books by David Burns:
Love your drawings!
Please, please read this book. It completely changed my life around and helped me confront depression.
Heya. Thanks for the post, it was pretty intense but I completely get where you're coming from. If you're looking for advice, I can offer a couple of things.
First is a book that is pretty popular on this sub and I recommend to a lot of friends that have lost their purpose, it's called "So Good They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport. It's a really good guide to success and happiness in a career.
Second, you definitely need to relax a little bit. I've been through anxiety and depression and the way that you're thinking right now is a recipe for an unhappy life.
>I have to be immortalized in history. Ide rather be dead than average but I don’t know how im gonna be more than average.
Putting this level of pressure on yourself can only lead to perceived failure, even if you're succeeding. You need to focus more on the "means", rather than the "ends", meaning if you want to be a comedian and think you can, then focus on writing jokes and performing. Don't even think about "changing the world" or being mediocre.
If you're getting stuck in these kinds of thought patterns a lot, then I can recommend another book (again often recommended here):
Honestly, the title might sound corny, but this book has saved and changed so many lives that it's true worth is incalculable.
>there has to be more to life than just having a good time and discovering what everyone already knows exists
There is indeed. Life is experience. The more you get, the more you'll understand.
Best of luck, friend.
I've been reading this book and it's been helping me out a lot. So I'll try to give you some advice that I learned from it and also personal experience.
When he wants to hang out, you say your thoughts and emotions change and you don't know why. Well your emotions change because of your thoughts, it goes in that order. With me, I'll have a lot of distorted thoughts that lead up to the feeling of extreme anxiety or depression. I learned to listen to those thoughts and as the book suggested, write them down. The book helps you identify the problems with the thoughts, and you can write down why each thought doesn't make sense. And once you change your thoughts, your emotions/feelings change as well.
The problem is, most of the distorted thoughts are automatic and you don't realize you're even having them. I find it easy to work backwards. If I feel depressed I know that it had to be something I was thinking, so I start to think about the thoughts that lead up to that feeling. If it's related to dating, I usually think stuff like: "She's too good for me", "I'm probably not her type", "I'll make a fool of myself", etc. I can then write those down and see how silly it sounds and describe why each one doesn't make sense. For example, "People have different tastes, I shouldn't beat myself up, she might like my personality but it's not a big deal if we don't connect, I can always meet someone else", and "Everyone makes mistakes, if I mess up during the date it's not going to be a big deal, and I can't predict the future, I don't know if it will end up being bad".
You can try to fight those distorted thoughts in your head, but it's really, really hard because for me, my mind is kinda finicky and it's also hard to recognize how distorted my thoughts are when I'm only thinking about them. Putting them on paper makes it way easier. Eventually, you'll learn to stop most of the distorted thoughts by doing this though.
Have you tried keeping a journal? It really helps me get my thoughts into a place where they can be worked on. I've been trapped in my mind more or less my whole life and journaling is one of only 2 things I've found that can provide immediate relief from the negative thought loops with no side effects. The other is running, but I know that most people find it too easy to find an excuse not to do that. There is no excuse not to try journaling. Make it your new years resolution and just make yourself do it every morning for a month to form the habit. It is a vital tool in every introvert's mood management tool box. Also, check out this book if you haven't already.
-hug- Hang in there buddy. It gets better, I promise.
Yes. There is a pdf copy of "Feeling Good" floating around the web for those willing to search for it. I couldn't get into it but that's me; it's worth a try.
I found found these two simple links helpful:
The Inner Smile
Bruce Lee’s Top 7 Fundamentals for Getting Your Life in Shape
Oh yes. I was also recommended to read this book, where CBT techniques are covered. https://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I went to one AA meeting when I first got clean and never went back. I understand people have found support and success in it but to me, personally, I felt it only increased the stigma of drug addicts as these broken hopeless people barely hanging on by a thread. It's an outdated system that relies on little science or attempting to progress the participants and relies more on holding people in place and focusing on the past. Instead I just worked towards becoming a normal person. Here are some of the resources I used:
r/Fitness - Getting Started: Exercise is probably the #1 thing that will aid you in recovering. It can help your brain learn to produce normal quantities of dopamine again as well as improve your heath, mood, well being and confidence.
Meetup: You can use this site to find people in your area with similar interests. I found a hiking group and a D&D group on here which I still regularly join.
Craigslist: Same as above - look for groups, activities, volunteer work, whatever.
This will be the other major player in your recovery. Understanding your diet will allow you to improve your health,mood, energy, and help recover whatever damage the drugs may have done to your body.
How Not To Die Cookbook
Life Changing Foods
The Plant Paradox
Power Foods For The Brain
Understand whats going on inside your head and how to deal with it is also an important step to not only recovery but enjoying life as a whole.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
The Emotional Life Of Your Brain
The Science of Enlightenment: How Meditation Works
If you are like me you probably felt like a dumbass when you first got clean. I think retraining your brain on learning, relearning things you may have forgot after long term drug use, and just learning new things in general will all help you in recovery. Knowledge is power and the more you learn the more confident in yourself and future learning tasks you become.
Illegal Drugs: A Complete Guide to their History, Chemistry, Use, and Abuse
Why Nations Fails
Ideas: A History of Thought and Invention, from Fire to Freud
The Modern Mind: An Intellectual History of the 20th Century
Thinking, Fast and Slow
The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Your Family's Financial Health
Continued Education / Skills Development
EdX: Take tons of free college courses.
Udemy: Tons of onine courses ranging from writing to marketing to design, all kinds of stuff.
Cybrary: Teach yourself everything from IT to Network Security skills
Khan Academy: Refresh on pretty much anything from highschool/early college.
There are many more resources available these are just ones I myself have used over the past couple years of fixing my life. Remember you don't have to let your past be a monkey on your back throughout the future. There are plenty of resources available now-a-days to take matters into your own hands.
*Disclaimer: I am not here to argue about anyone's personal feelings on AA**
Eu já usei para ansiedade, mas achei que o efeito foi mais placebo. Se houve alguma mudança foi bem pequena. Para depressão não funciona pois esse não é o propósito desse remédio.
A melhor coisa que eu fiz para combater ansiedade e depressão foi ler esse livro: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, que é relativamente antigo, mas que ensina técnicas usadas na terapia cognitiva e é mais focado para depressão. Eu gostei muito, venho usando vários dos métodos e as mudanças são perceptíveis. Vale destacar que o meu problema é mais ansiedade do que depressão, mas também funciona de certo modo para esses casos.
INTP/ENTP "spiritual person" here. Your routine and motivation is not the root issue. The self-hate is the root issue. The way you view yourself and how you relate to yourself (and by extension, the world) is very very dysfunctional, and I guarantee it's fucking up your life in more ways than one.
The negative self-talk is not reality, not objective, and not who you really are. The voice in your head is not only wrong and destructive, it's not even you.
You have a disconnect between different parts of yourself. You hate being "grounded" because when you're in that state, your ego isn't in charge, and you're forced to look at everything inside you you've been fighting. Learn to sit with that pain and not fight it... just let it happen, and watch it swell and then recede. This is, in essence, mindfulness meditation.
Try reading some of these, based on what stands out to you. They are all helpful.
I realize that what works for me may not work at all for you. By the same token, there's a chance it may work for you so I thought I'd share this book. This book, hands down, did more for me than any medication or therapist combined. It's work though. You must face the uncomfortable within yourself. What comes through those efforts is a bit of peace that I didn't know could be. There were things the "voice" in my head said to me that I didn't even know was there. Always thought I was exempt from said voice. I wasn't. It just didn't manifest the way I thought it would from other's accounts of it.
Anyway, wishing you the best.
I would also recommend Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy to get an overall sense of CBT.
This is a great book to check out if your feeling down and want to take some steps yourself to try and understand things/feel better:
Feeling Good - David Burns
Helped me a lot. Should be a PDF copy out there you can download for free.
Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy… Self-doubt is usually a result of thinking errors (cognitive distortions), knowing and being able to identify what thinking errors are happening and causing negative feelings is a critical component to really harnessing the power of mindfulness meditation to create deep psychological change. The first few pages of the book Feeling Good deal directly with self-doubt.
The key is understanding where the feelings of self-doubt come from and the thoughts and though-chains that create the feelings. Read through the 10 cognitive distortions in the link above, see if you can ID which ones apply to your thoughts of self-doubt.
It was a long process where I was mostly unhappy but also asleep to this fact. After a a few years and a big breakup I started to question my own happiness - or lack of. This set me down a rabbit hole where I was all over the map - you start reading up on things like anxiety, depression, eventually you wind up at Law of Attraction, The Secret, etc, then you watch this and get excited...then you try to get a little more practical with things like Tony Robbins, Oprah, this book and then you realize that you do in fact create your own happiness...things like neuroplasticty are legit. It's hard to change your thought patterns, and I still struggle immensely. But the one thing you control - your thoughts and attention, do in fact control your brain's wiring and your mood, happiness levels (yes, I think of happiness like a water reservoir and you control the level) and ultimately your future. I'm still a work in progress...things like work/career still bum me out and I am trying to find something different. The problem is I don't want to just jump ship and wind up in the same situation, I'm debating leaving my career for something radically different. But I don't think we can find meaning in our work anymore, if work is just sitting in cubicles all day long...we need something different. The corporate world isn't healthy, and being immersed in this world day in and day out will eventually start to rewire your brain if you aren't consciously aware of it.
I like the book Feeling Good: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
Its got a huge chunk of stuff about how to keep an effective journal. It covers all sorts of aspects of mental health. Its helped me. If I start writing about masturbation (a frequent topic), it usually ends up drawing out all sorts of other things that have been bothering me. It really forces you to confront things and think things through to their conclusion. Its really difficult, and frankly terrifying but incredibly worth it.
CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) is the most effective treatment of anxiety disorders.
The "Cognitive" element can be easily understood through an analogy. Your brain generates a predictive model of the world based on its inputs. It uses this model to predict future events and make optimal decisions. Because the model is based on inputs, if you are selective in where you are getting your inputs from it may get skewed and start making flawed predictions.
Social anxiety is a good example. It often leads to avoidance. This means that you aren't testing your assumptions. Which means they will stay as they are. To get rid of the anxiety, you have to get all those inputs you are avoiding. If you are afraid people think you are weird and spend a lot of effort "hiding" this, it's actually a good idea to do something weird. Like announcing the floor numbers in an elevator story by story in a comical voice. Sure, people will actually think you're weird, but it's not going to have disastrous consequences. There's no need to stay vigilant and burn fuel to keep you prepared to make a run for it.
A good therapist will, in a sense, synchronize your cognitive model of the world with theirs.
In addition to changing the inputs to your cognitive model, it's useful to examine the outputs. Your interpretation of events could be biased by a flawed model. There could be a more rational explanation of events that you have overlooked because you aren't challenging your assumptions. This is a big part of CBT. Monitor the outputs of the model. Be skeptical.
I would recommend Feeling Good by David D. Burns.
Agreed that you sound like a good person. Depression is terrible, and as hard as it might be, I wouldn't take any of his behavior too personally. It's such a painful and life-sucking thing to experience that it can be difficult to be anything other than aloof and inconsiderate.
As someone else said, dial it down a bit, but keep in contact. I'm sure he appreciates your presence and doesn't want you to leave, or anything. I'm getting into the mental health field starting this fall, and if he's not familiar with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), see if he can find a therapist who specializes in it. Many people find David Burns' CBT books very helpful as well (Feeling Good, When Panic Attacks) if you want to get him a copy.
If I may make a recommendation for some reading, there are three very good books that may apply here.
Perhaps Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help. Sometimes negative thoughts can be helped by creating a habit of thinking positively.
Not only did it get better, but I've had really hard times in my life and only had a few hours of ever feeling that dark and sad and alone again.
I couldn't get to therapy either but learning CBT techniques was a huge part of what helped me get better. I used this book
I know that's not as a good as a person but it can really help you craft a strategy to find a person and suffer less in the meantime.
Best of luck to you.
Det er bra at du postet. Jeg har selv vært deprimert lenge og trodde det var noe "jeg bare er"(i etterkant er det nok mer komplisert), men jeg skjønte også for sent hvor deprimert jeg var. Jeg kjenner godt til alvorlige suisidale tanker og alt det du beskriver. Jeg har psykiatere i familien. Her er noen alvorlige tips til deg:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns had a pretty major impact on my life in a good way. I recommend it to people all the time and I've been meaning to reread it myself. It's intended for folks dealing with depression but I think everyone should read it.
I want to stress that this is not a new-age BS self-help book. None of that "JuSt Be YoUrSeLf!" crap. This is a book about a proven method of improving your mood called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) written by an actual psychiatrist. Studies have shown CBT can be as effective or even more effective than antidepressants for treating depression. The best way I can describe it is training your brain to examine and challenge your cognitions (or thoughts) which are causing your emotions. We play a lot of tricks on ourselves which cause us to feel down at times when it's not helpful or necessary.
Be sure to see if your local library has a copy ;)
EDIT: I also wanted to mention exercising. Regular exercise is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Am avut multe perioade în care intram într-o groapa din care nu ieșeam cu săptămânile. Apoi parca intram în ele din ce în ce mai des și ieșeam din ce în ce mai greu.
Am avut o postare asemănătoare cu a ta în urma cu mai multi ani pe un alt subreddit și cineva mi-a recomandat cartea asta.
Când am văzut titlul, am ignorat-o instant, dar după câteva săptămâni am revenit la ea, n-aveam de ales. Am citit-o și parca am avut o revelație.
Au urmat în lunile următoare niște evenimente care au dus în mod indirect la doamna MuieLaSaraci, evenimente pe care în mod normal, în groapa fiind, le-aș fi lăsat sa treacă pe lângă mine.
Au venit oferte de lucru pe care nu le-aș fi acceptat din frica de a eșua, asa cum am făcut de zeci de ori înainte. Fiecare oportunitate acceptata ducea la altceva mai bun.
La un moment dat eram gata sa renunț la tot, dar am continuat sa trag și acuma pot sa zic ca sunt fericit. Mai am zile de căcat în care ma întreb dacă are rost, dar în momentele alea ma gândesc la cum eram acum 10, 5, chiar și 2 ani și cumva ma face curios sa vad unde pot sa ajung în următorii 2. Pas cu pas pana la capăt.
There are quite a few of us here who can relate, me included. About a third of folks with alcohol use disorder also have moderate depression. The good news is now that you're sober, meds work better and many of the tools you used to deal with urges to drink can be used to deal with your depression.
I was about 6 months sober when I started dealing with my depression. Meds, meditation, counseling, and cognitive behavior therapy are tools that really helped me. It was scary, it was hard, but it paid off in the end. Its still a struggle, but one I understand much better.
Burns' "Feeling Good" is an excellent book on dealing with depression.
Feeling Good and Don't Panic are both well regarded books that focus on cognitive behavioral therapy.
The author of Feeling Good also made a workbook to help people process their reactions and feelings.
My husband has chronic depression, and highly recommends both.
OP please go get some professional help. I've been in that position and you want to attack that shit as quickly as possible.
I really really really recommend reading the book "feeling good, the new mood therapy", which can be found here: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
8 dollars and a few hours later, I promise you'll be feeling MUCH better. But obviously I think you should still seek out professional help as well. Sometimes talking to someone makes all the difference in the world.
Ultimately you have to make the choice to feel better. I know that sounds weird, especially in your situation, but trust me. I've been there. And unless you make that choice, you'll never get out of the rut you're in.
I had everything I could want as a youngster. Great family, a great college, and yet I was miserable. It wasn't until my Dad died that I started to really look at my life and make changes. I was lazy, careless, and unproductive. Everything I needed was handed to me. After my Dad died I stepped the fuck up and now I'm working my ass off for everything. I'm improving myself every day, and you know what? That mental rut has gone away. It's never going to be perfect, I don't think, but I'm 100000x happier and trust me that life is worth living for.
I hope this helps you. And please, please, please, go get professional help as well. I don't care if it's a university counselor, or a psychiatrist or whatever, just go get help.
> ... give the process a chance to work rather than trying to solve it your way
This is certainly a valid point. I've been giving it a chance to work for nearly 4 years now, and my wife has done relatively little towards dealing with her problems. The first two years of her depression were spent with her in absolute denial of it. I understand that things take time, but the waiting will eat up the remaining years I have of this one life if there isn't any progress. This is why I'm trying to take an active role rather than continuing to wait; The waiting accomplished nothing because she did not seek to walk, let alone run. It was not until I convinced her to read Feeling Good and practice some self-care early this year that there has been any significant progress. The regular arguments are an improvement over her denial and withdrawal of years prior; At least now she is willing to engage. My hope is that she can learn to engage effectively before the ineffective engagements destroy the relationship entirely.
I'm a little puzzled by your declaration that I am:
> determined to steamroll over your wife's emotions in favor of "rationality."
I thought that I had made it clear that her emotions are of importance when I stated that
> Ideally, when my wife feels wronged, we would have a rational discussion about what we each perceived, how that made us feel, come to a mutual understanding of the situation and each others' feelings, and seek a win/win/win resolution.
(emphasis added above). Rereading it, perhaps I was not as clear as I had hoped. Her emotions are absolutely NOT invalid. Ultimately, they're kind of all that really matters.
> you're not going to get anywhere by failing to acknowledge she's upset and working within that reality, instead of demanding that she handle everything by parliamentary debate standards.
This is very true. I do acknowledge that she is upset and I am trying to work within that reality, which is why I'm trying to find a way for her to learn to express her emotions effectively. I am by no means "demanding that she handle everything by parliamentary debate standards", but I do expect a minimum level of effective back-and-forth that abides by some of the rules of logic. I'm talking simple things, like avoiding self-contradiction and giving the benefit of the doubt to a degree. My "Did you feed the cats today?" example illustrates the lack of the benefit of the doubt that is frequently encountered. I have no idea how to ask that question, and many others, without it immediately becoming an argument wherein I am expected to prove that I was not attacking her. In these cases, I attempt to acknowledge that she was upset, but I don't know what to do other than express "I'm not attacking you" and ask her how else I can ask her such a question; This almost invariably results in her responding with something like "Just leave me alone I can feed my own damned cats", which doesn't really address either the original issue or the new one. This got a little off topic, what I'm trying to say is that the standards that I'm holding her to are not absurdly high, and they do take into account her emotional state. They are just the minimum required for simple interactions to not quickly turn into hostility. She is not meeting this minimum, which makes even simple interactions nearly impossible.
I've read Dr Burns' Feeling Good about a year ago. The information it presents is very useful and it helped me a lot (it's basically CBT explained), in conjunction with seeing a therapist bi-weekly for almost a year. And yet... I've found it difficult to prevent depressive episodes from happening, and when I'm in one it's as if all I learnt was useless. It's just a difficult cycle to break out of. Has anyone else been in a similar situation ?
Personal story aside, I recommend books like these, if only because they're very interesting to read!
Hey! I'm also working on recovery. Some books that I've really found helpful are Feeling Good, and Complex PTSD. Moodgym is also pretty awesome. The first book and the website show you how to use CBT in your own life, and this has really helped me out in terms of everyday anxiety and depression. The Mentalpod is a cool little podcast, and while it doesn't only cover childhood abuse, it helps me feel less alone with all of this stuff, and makes me more aware of my feelings and struggles. Hearing your story come out of another person's mouth is such a healing experience. Episodes 131 and 126 especially are useful.
I think the rest of the work though really has to do with trauma and grief. The second book is invaluable for that. I need to grieve my lack of a childhood. I need to grieve my lack of an available mother. I think this is what "the hole in my heart" is really related to. Sometimes I'll cry about it but do my best to be compassionate with myself. Though these realizations are fucking awful, they are also freeing. I didn't deserve any of it, and I'm not bad for standing up for myself. While my upbringing taught me otherwise, most people are generous, kind and forgiving, and more open to love than I believed possible. I'm able to see myself breaking more and more out of my old survival mindset, and I'm able to see that the world is a beautiful place. It's all a process and we'll both do better and better as time goes on.
Best of luck in your journey! :)
Well, I'm no doctor, but I've studied and practiced CBT for years. I'll link some guides and books below that are pretty good. But, essentially, CBT is all about paying attention to what you say to yourself and working to change it. What you say and think about is like a habit: you've been doing it for so long that it's become rather 'default' behavior. But, like a habit, it can be changed with enough time and work.
One of the very first steps in doing this is becoming aware of what you are saying. For example, like in the title of the post, when you call yourself a moron. Or the lines of thought, such as your friends leaving you. This is a major step because, for a lot of that self-talk, you probably aren't aware of it or your brain 'filters' it out, but it's hurting you anyways.
The next step is to start challenging what you say about yourself rationally. Try comparing them to this list. For example, when you have a fear about your friends leaving you, the first thing you should do is ask yourself why. Why would they leave you? What did you do? Then look at your answer and compare it to that list. Chances are that what you're afraid of is either unlikely or illogical. It can help a lot to write this stuff out on paper.
Another test that I like is to imagine that you're saying your 'self-talk' to someone else. Imagine you had a friend you really liked and trusted completely, they can be real or imaginary. Now imagine that friend is calling himself a moron or is saying that he's afraid his friends will leave him, or whatever self-talk you're giving yourself. Would you agree and call him a moron or say his friends will leave him (remember, you're supposed to really like this person)? I would guess probably not. It would just make him feel worse, right? What's important with this test is to realize is that that is exactly what you're telling yourself and it's making you feel just as bad.
After that, it's a game of watching what you think and doing the above until it becomes less of a problem. So when you call yourself a moron, you never let yourself get away with it. You ask yourself: why am I a moron? Why does X make me a moron? Aren't I allowed to make mistakes? Etc. Eventually, you'll start to become nicer to yourself and treat yourself like you would that good friend from above.
Feeling good by David Burns is pretty much the go-to, raw CBT book. It has a lot of worksheets and examples to help the reader. I highly recommend it, especially if you're just starting.
Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler is also a good book that focuses in more on social aspects.
Most of the online guides I've seen haven't been too fantastic IMO. But they do exist. This seems like a good overview, but definitely not as interactive or comprehensive as the books are. Personally, I'd start with David Burns' book. It's probably the most tried-and-true of them all.
A really good book for this is Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.
Are you going to a Christian college? If so, I'm very sorry, I had a terrible experience at one also. I also struggled with depression, struggled with my grades and with my faith.
I would strongly recommend you request another counselor, one that cares more about your mental health than your spiritual health. I wouldn't be afraid to ask them that out the outset either.
I'd also see if you can get on some anti-depressants. They don't help everyone, but for the people they do help it can be a massive improvement with little effort.
If you can't find a better counselor and can't afford one outside of your school I would recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. It's less than $10 and if you take it seriously and are willing to engage with it, the cognitive behavioral therapy it teaches you can be just as or more effective than therapy and medication.
I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but it's not to late to right this ship. Struggling in college is overwhelming, and as things get worse it gets harder and harder to get out of bed, much less your room. Doing assignments and bringing them to class can seem a herculean effort, meanwhile you see all your peers breezing through with seemingly no effort. All I can say is that all of this can be fixed, classes can be retaken, and all it will cost you is one semester, many others have wasted many more. Once you get a handle on your depression things will get easier.
The effectiveness of cognitive therapy (now cognitive behavioral therapy, ask for a free copy if you can't afford this book and are in the US), suggests to us that its basic thesis that you can make yourself clinically depressed by thinking bad thoughts about yourself is likely correct. It certainly makes complete sense....
But there are also clearly genetic factors in play for many who have depression, e.g. I have a combination of anxiety and officially Bipolar II, except it never actually results in mania (a previous doctor called it depression of a bipolar nature, since it behaves more like that normal unipolar depression), which I clearly inherited from my mother, she has an engineer brother who's path I've very roughly followed in the relevant parts of our lives (I'm a software and systems type in career).
So a complex phenomena from "nature" and/or "nurture", and your point about confirmation bias is straight on, it's much easier to be open about this online in a welcoming environment like /r/Touhou.
>IWTL How to be more positive and be able to get over the slumps of sadness and feelings of inadequacy in life.
>Recently I've began to notice that I have feelings of being inadequate in a lot of things in life. I feel that I'm pretty confident in every day life. I do my best to look good, smell good, and make sure I treat everyone I cross with the best attitude I can offer. I try to make sure I'm the best version of myself that can exist, but I still find myself thinking that I'm not good enough. That my friends deserve a better person to talk to, my girlfriend deserves a better boyfriend, and that I myself am just not cutting it. I want to learn how to fix this toxic mindset and be able to turn my thoughts around and be proud of myself for what I'm doing correctly. I'm a 22 year old Male by the way. Not sure if that has any correlation at all, but it's out there.
It's worth learning how the system (i.e. your brain) works in order to create change. In a nutshell:
A dog is a great way to help out with the companionship aspect, but to stay at home might be a hair far. I can assure you that it may seem like a great idea so far, but ultimately, removing human contact might leave a hole you can't exactly fill with just a dog. You allude to having friends so
Easy route?: Remove social media from your phone, but leave it open for human communication from family and such (those who care about your wellbeing, family or not). Also, find a hobby.
Difficult route?: Realize that what is going on likely stems from deep inside. The old saying can't be truer, "Happiness comes from within." To be happy with others, is to first be happy with yourself. Work on yourself, find things that make you happy (hobbies, etc) and build up your best self. The rest will fall into place.
Additionals: This book has helped me in many cases. If you forgo the overall remarks on depression, it gives you strong coping tools for when things have you in an overall negative approach.
and here is the ebook if you don't want to spring for 8 bucks:
You sound a whole lot like me a few years ago. I could have pretty much written this post, with some family specifics changed a bit. So here's my advice based on my experience.
What you're going through is totally normal and common. It might not seem like it, especially if you don't have friends who are going through similar circumstances, but it is. Even if you have a great relationship with your family, moving back home after college can be rough. After being gone for a few years and having total freedom away from family, moving back home can feel like a step backwards, even though it's not. It just means that you're coming into the 'real world', and that requires a certain amount of time transitioning. It's not easy, but you'll get through it.
When I moved home, I didn't expect to be living there for longer than 1 year, but it ended up being 1.5 years. It's not a big deal, just keep in mind that it may take you more or less time than you expect to get on your feet and where you want to be. Once you do have a solid income, take advantage of cheap or free rent (if you are so luckY) living at home to pay off as much student debt as possible (assuming you have it), or save as much of an emergency fund as possible. If you want to feel independent person while living at home, rather than a guest/child, being financially independent is important.
I also struggled somewhat with anxiety/depression during this stage of my life. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjustment_disorder is a thing and I ended up being diagnosed with that when seeking help. Basically, big life changes can be rough, surprise! Don't be afraid to seek help is you're really struggling. As time passes you will adjust to your new situation and things will get a bit easier. Regarding your Edit on depression, those are definitely things you could explore with a competant therapist, if you're so inclined. If you want a cheap option for working through depression, I can highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336. It has been extremely helpful for me personally.
As for what you want to do with your life... I know it's hard, but don't worry too much. It's totally OK to not know what you want to do with your life at 22. Most people probably don't. As long as you are making a consistent effort to find out what you want to do, you're fine. And you have plenty of time left to enjoy yourself once you're employed and have money. What you may find as you grow throughout your 20s is that there is more time in life to enjoy yourself than you may currently realize. In terms of your generral post-transition year anxieties, I think things will become clearer once you're closer to the end of this year. There are probably too many unknowns for you to properly plan yet.
For meeting new people, meetup groups are nice. Consider a local reddit group if there is one. Find a social hobby. Yes, it can be uncomfortable or awkward or trigger social anxiety to go to these events, but the fact is that if you can get psat that you'll be healthier and happier if you're meeting new people right now. Having those social experiences will make getting through this phase all the easier.
Maybe not all of this applies to you, but I hope you get something out of it. Regardless, best of luck to you!
Your mileage will vary.
One book I particularly hated was Feeling Good by David D. Burns. I had been given it by a well-meaning relative. At the time, it felt like someone was offering me a squirt gun to deal with a five-alarm inferno. It was a very dark time, and suicide seemed appealing. I didn't go that route, mostly because I knew my family would be emotionally destroyed. I wondered, though, what it would be like if I did kill myself, and in my suicide note, I had said something like, "Hey folks! Sorry about the mess, hope it hasn't bummed you out too much. If you're still feelin' down after a day or so, why don't you check out Feeling Good by David fucking D. Burns? That book'll make you snap out of it in no time!"
To be fair, I read very little of it, but at the time it seemed so glib. Maybe it was just the title. I understand a lot of people have found some real comfort from it. But it obviously doesn't work for everybody, certainly not "tremendously". If it did, this whole subreddit, and a huge amount of the medical establishment, could be eliminated.
With that said, David Foster Wallace didn't write self-help books, and ultimately he found no help for himself. But he probably wrote some of the best prose about depression that there is.
Also, it's not a book, and it only offers understanding rather than help, is Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky's lecture on depression, available on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc
It takes a bit of concerted effort to consistently do it but mindfulnesses meditation is probably what you are looking for. Its not like a magic pill that will make your thoughts go away but it will help you to relate to your thoughts in a more skillful way so that they are not so consuming. Mindfulness meditation has been shown to be very helpful for those that have mood disorders (anxiety and depression) and ADHD. Some people are a bit adverse to it because they have ideas of bald monks chanting but the type of mindfulness meditation you will find taught it a more clinical/medical context are far from that. Its more simple little exercises that will help you to see your thoughts for what they are (just thoughts) and learn to let them fizzle out on their own (rather than obsessing over them or trying to push them away). 10-20 minutes a day every day has worked wonders for me. You really do improve the more you practice. The effects last through out the day not just when you sit. My wife can tell when I have not been keeping up with my practice. I recommend Head Space its very clinical. I have also heard Buddhify is good. There are loads of other resources out there. Stick to the ones that are more clinical and medical. Mindfulnesses meditation does not mean you need to adopt a new set of beliefs or religion. The stuff that you will find in stress reduction clinics and self help books is just a therapeutic mental exercise. See for example MBSR.
I also recommend Feeling Good. It is a complete introduction to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It is complementary to mindfulness because it helps one to engage with your thoughts in a healthy productive manner. Its main premise (if I can do it justice) is that we often have very skewed thinking and do not realize it, so when we are able to identify thoughts that are extreme or illogical we can make more realistic assessments which lead to a more stable calm mind. It is definitely stood the test of time.
The last thing I would say is be aware of how much info/stimulus you consume. Surfing the web, radio, tv, noisy chaotic situations tend to dull the senses and leave you with a lot of stimulus to sort through. So cut out needless noise and stimuli from your life.
I don't have any quick fixes for you but those 3 things have really helped me to 'turn off my mind'. Taking control of my mental health was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. I wish you the best on your own journey.
medication can help, but so can;
exercise, lots and lots of exercise
mindfulness meditation (r/meditation)
*cognitive behavior therapy (i'm reading this book)
Feeling Good by David Burns. It's my go-to CBT book, has been for a couple years now. It's written in a very personable style, and it gives you concrete exercises to help figure out your thoughts. I couldn't recommend it enough!
Try to break out of the mold. I would suggest reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns for starters and looking into cognitive behavioral therapy. You sound like someone who is very close to me and both have helped tremendously.
Well, sounds like you're rewarding yourself for positive thinking - which is part of cognitive behavioral therapy (read "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns) which is a FANTASTIC step towards getting out of the funk!
I suggest /r/RedditLaqueristas too. . .I'm mildly obsessed with my nails and it's a natural offshoot.
Make/build/cook something for her. Not only will it cheer her up, the act of doing it will be therapeutic for you.
Consider getting professional help or medication if your depression is as bad as it sounds. At the very least consider reading (and acting on the advice of) a book such as this one.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy combines well with mindfulness practice. It sounds like self-help BS, but Feeling Good is a legitimate introduction to using CBT to deal with depression.
also, this will help you it's a little annoying to set up but set aside an hour to commit to signing up (it's free!) and starting it. it's online CBT training. it's self guided so you must set aside time to do it, even it's a few minutes at a time. if the therapist you saw did talk therapy, it was likely CBT and so this will be similar. it helps you fight cognitive distortions.
also, try this book. it is the best 7-8 dollars you'll spend all week. it's similar to the previously linked mood gym, but uhm, it's a book. get a notebook or scratch pad and do the exercises.
I'm another dude, in a similar position like you and I wish I was at where you are now.
You're a young guy, just starting out life. Don't be down on yourself. Don't end up like me -- a lonely man in middle age, facing more years behind than ahead.
If you really are feeling low about yourself, could I suggest talking to a therapist? If that's not an option, here's a book that's helped me out over the years: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
It's not an affiliate link or anything. Some people hand out religious books, I hand out this one. :) I'll even buy it for you over kindle if you want. I'm that serious.
Honestly, the only lasting method is therapy and not medication. Medication can be helpful but is expensive, doesn't even work faster than therapy and doesn't last if you get off them. If you don't have the money to seek a professional, go get a CBT book like this (it's the best by far IMO). I didn't improve at all for years because I thought I had to go to a therapist to get help, but honestly, he probably wouldn't have done better than the book. I started working with the book in 2012 and within 4 weeks I was a lot better. The improvements have lasted until now. The only thing that's important is that you take pen and paper and do the exercises regularly.
One, like others said, getting counseling is a good idea. Also, this book seems decent. I personally do much better depression-wise when I have plenty of sunlight. You can substitute sunlight with certain artificial bulbs online. I also find taking supplements helps, including Vitamin B and L-Tyrosine, but especially L-Tyrosine. I have also recently started raw juicing (note that most juice is pasteurized), and have read many people do very well on it, and they get a lot of energy from it. See this film to see the benefits of raw juice. It's expensive to buy raw juice from juice bars, (I'm paying $5 to $7 for 16 ounces...) but it's much cheaper if you buy a high wattage machine and start juicing on your own, and then bring the juice in a glass bottle with you to work. Alternatively, you can buy "lightly" pasteurized juices from the grocery store (Naked juice), but some of the nutrients may have been destroyed. Better to drink raw juice if you can.
Two, you can start planning for financial independence now. See /r/financialindependence for more info. That will help the future look brighter. How long would it take you to purchase property outright and pay for groceries / property taxes for the rest of your life? Once you reach that point, your time belongs to you, and you can focus even more on whatever interests you.
Feeling Good by David Burns is really good. It's targeted more at depression than at anxiety, but it's basically do-it-yourself Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it's definitely still very applicable for anxiety as well as depression. It includes exercises you do yourself, transcript excerpts from therapy sessions the author has had with patients, and a lot of common-sense and useful advice.
I don't have any local recommendations for you, but I do have a few world-class recommendations that will cost you much less in time and money.
For CBT, check out Dr. David Burn's book - Feeling Good: You can pick it up online for like $5. It is a light and interesting read, lots of stories. Here is a study about "Feeling Good": "This study provided empirical evidence that a behavioral prescription for Feeling Good may be as effective as standard care, which commonly involves an antidepressant prescription."
For mindfulness, the fountainhead is Eastern/Bhuddist thought here is a good source for that:
The Power of Mindfulness by Nyanaponika Thera (fo free online)
If you want both CBT and Mindfulness - then you should read or listen to Jeffery Schwartz. He has a few books, the most recent "You are not your brain" is approachable and an integration of Mindfulness and Cognitive Therapy.
Here is a 5 minute video, gives you a feel for the author: "4 steps to changing your brain for good"
If you like that - here is a half-hour more (summary of the book above):
'You are not your brain' at Mind & Its Potential 2011
Finally, if you are into workbooks - pick up "Mind over Mood"
Regardless of the book or therapist, you will have to do a lot mental work. So ultimately, most of the therapy, is self-therapy.
Best of luck to you. And remember: this too, shall pass.
I'm currently reading Feeling Good by David Burns. The author is a clinical psychiatrist and uses cognitive behavioral therapy in a practical self help format. I've only read the first few chapters but I do think it has helped a bit. It has made me realize that my depression makes me see things in a distorted way and the book presents some tools to recognize when you're seeing something in an unrealistic way. Also the last chapter I've read was about intrusive/dysfunctional thoughts and how to respond to them in a rational way to make them lose their grip over you.
It's not the only book I've read because I feel like reading about depression/dysthymia - in and of itself - helps too. Recovery is a process and my best home remedy has been to make sure I do something useful every day (I make a daily to do list). If I can't do much, that's fine and I'll reevaluate but it does allow me to create some structure to my life and work up from there. It just has to be something that I feel like can cultivate happiness, even if it doesn't feel like it at that moment (e.g. cleaning up -> makes me feel like I've accomplished something and I get to live in a tidier house; spending time with a friend -> improving social life; helping my sister with chores -> helped someone else; etc).
Talking about it isn't always easy, especially if I'm feeling in a lousy mood. So even though I sometimes just need to vent my frustrations, I mostly try to talk about my depression from the perspective of recovery (what I've been trying to do, what has worked, what didn't work) and if I need to talk about how difficult today was, then I'll try to balance it out by comparing it to better days. So I don't try to minimize my situation but I do try to frame it in a way that I feel like the people around me can handle. Not always doable, but I try.
I would recommend a method used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), as described in this fantastic book. The goal is to recognize the distortions behind the negative thoughts you're telling yourself:
Write down three columns on a piece of paper: Automatic Thoughts, Distortions, and Rational Response.
Hey man. From reading your post it seems to me that you’re depressed and have developed false beliefs about yourself that are now so deeply engraved that you accept them and don’t even bother to challenge them. Now, I don’t know you at all, but I’m pretty sure you’ve not failed at everything, you’re just not seeing the positives right now.
What I can tell you is that quitting will probably not give you happiness by itself. You’ve got to work on your beliefs about yourself and your outlook on the future.
I just quit, and started reading a book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. I’ve not finished the book yet, but I started feeling better almost immediately upon reading it and realizing some of my irrational thoughts about myself and my future. It will basically teach you cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a therapy method many therapists use today. It will give you many tools to use for identifying negative thought patterns and getting yourself out of them. Some of them directly described as being effective against the EXCACT things you’re saying about yourself here.
I know reading a book is not the most tempting thing to do when you’ve given up hope, but please give it a try. It even has a section about quitting smoking, which can be applied to quitting cannabis.
Feel better bro ❤️
You don't have to make music when you don't feel like it. You can take the time to recover, relax and come to terms with your breakup. Ignoring it now may make it a bigger problem in the future.
You can try finding another outlet for a while. I find reading helps me come to terms with my past issues and sometimes inspires me.
CBT and meditation can help to if you are having particularly bad thoughts. This post shows that you are aware of the problem, from here you expand on that.
If you feel that you must get back into music then there are a few things you can try.
I've had similar experiences my whole life, for sure. It's tied to my lack of self-confidence and poor sense of self-worth. I have a hard time trusting myself when people -- who I want to like and accept me -- disagree. So it's also tied to seeking external validation, because it's been a tough challenge learning to validate myself.
The upshot is we can work directly on all this stuff. I'm a work-in-progress on this, but I've definitely improved. Check out The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, it tackles our troubled sense of self-worth from a practical, evidence-based perspective. And maybe Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, which can help you learn to identify and challenge a lot of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that lead to caving in like this.
Learning to trust ourselves is hard, but it can get better.
Why are you worried about not being able to handle your classes? It sounds like based on how you did first semester and the fact that you got into the school, you're capable of doing well in those classes.
A lot of anxiety comes from negative self-talk and letting your fears spiral out of control. If you're constantly telling yourself that you can't do it, you'll start believing yourself. If you let a small fear("my classes next semester are challenging") keep growing("my classes next semester are really hard") into something that's a real problem("I won't be able to handle my classes next semester").
This book is a good resource for understanding anxiety and how to change your mental habits to be healthier
Feel free to PM if you have questions or need to talk
I'm still learning myself. So I don't have all the answers. But I highly recommend Feeling Good by Dr Burns (http://amzn.to/2xdUvqJ). It's the No.1 best selling CBT book on depression.
It talks about dependence (love addiction) and approval addiction. Loneliness is something I've looked into a bit as well.
When you rely on love to be happy, you are not taking responsibility for your emotional life. The healthy mindset to have is that it would be nice to have someone love you, but it's not a need. You don't need a partner to achieve what you want and enjoy pleasurable activities.
You can love yourself through positive thinking (admiring your positive qualities everyday and how your a bit better today, accepting your flaws like a loved one would, taking good care of yourself, imagining people who have loved you in the past giving you warm feelings or even an imaginary compassionate being). Self soothing our inner child is an important skill for everyone to develop.
Changing dysfunctional attitudes like "I need love" involves a written exercise where you list the advantages and disadvantages of believing this and then re-write a healthier assumption. It's not wise to put your emotional health in something fickle. It's also unattractive to women if you're needy. It's like a downward spiral of loneliness.
I meet someone who was independent and happy, despite having no relationship experience in her late 20's and believing she would never marry. It gave me a role model to aspire to.
Also your self worth isn't based on being successful in love. Everyone has a self worth of 1 unit. It doesn't change no matter what. Even if you're unloved, you're just as worthy as someone else. Self worth is self worth. Relationship status is a different word to self worth. They're not the same thing. Your self worth is independent of looks, employment status, relationships status etc.
Aim to believe that you're a lovable, good, caring and competent person. Look for evidence that proves it, rather than character assassinating yourself and focusing on the negatives. Nobody is objectively good or bad. It's all opinion. Some people thought Charles Manson was good and worshiped him. So hold a good opinion of yourself because it's the helpful thing to do.
You don't need close friends to validate you as person. You decide how worthy you are. It's independent of how many close friends you have.
You're not entitled to close friendships. It's important to accept the universe owes you nothing and accept real life. In the modern world, most adults don't have that many close friends. And I think a lot of people rely on their partner.
I use my work colleagues as a source of friendship and sometimes organize once yearly socials with school mates through a whatapp group. I also never so no to a social invite. I use to be really closed off at work, because I thought people would reject me. But then I opened up and revealed my authentic weird self. Now I feel like I've built genuine friendships at work that I rely on for social support. Authenticity builds closeness. Focus on the other person in conversations. People love talking and it builds closeness when people feel you know them well and can support them.
Also spend time with family - take them out for dinner, phone calls etc. I appreciate the social support they've given me at times. Make the most out of what little social life you have and accept what people can give you. Rather than demand a level of closeness they can't deliver.
Solitary is nice too. It gives you space to recharge your batteries from work, grow and engage in hobbies.
Loneliness is natural. It's your body telling you that it wants social support and love. When it comes, be mindful of it and self soothe with kindness. Everyone experiences loneliness at some point in their life. It's a regular occurrence for me. You can't avoid suffering. It's a part of life. Make sure you take good of yourself when it comes. The only true solution to loneliness is friendship and love. As long as you are trying your best to get those things, there's nothing more you can do. Healthy distractions are a good thing during the day.
Life will get better. People will gravitate towards you, you may find love and you will become better at coping. You've just got to take every day as it comes and keep working on it.
>I am sentimental and over value people to such an extreme level that I can't see when people are treating me bad even when they are.
Then I recommend you stay out of a relationship until you figure that out.
A long term relationship hinges on two things. Love and respect. Everything can be covered under those two words. You don't belittle a person you respect. You don't disrespect a person you respect. You show affection for a person you love, etc.
This goes two ways. Never ever put up with disrespect from your SO and never put up with disrespect from yourself towards your SO. This doesn't mean disrespect warrants a fight, but it does warrent a serious discussion, and if your SO thinks that you're being too sensitive, than perhaps it's time to look for another SO.
Some will probably disagree with me and say that sometimes you need to suck it up, but I disagree. If you allow disrespect in any relationship, it's going to fester into resentment and your relationship will be doomed sooner than later.
>No one expects to be a villain yet I think of myself as the worst badguy of them all. I just play my part the worst. I dont know what to do HELP!!
Work on changing your thoughts so you don't label yourself like that. Doing a few shit things doesn't make you a villain or a black sheep. It ignores the fact that you do some good things also and a bunch of neutral things just like everyone else. You wouldn't label yourself a breather simply because you breath and you do that a lot more than anything else.
I think you need to learn more about yourself. I realize that being alone sucks. I've been through that myself, but running into another relationship will likely not help.
You need to be able to respect yourself and it sounds like you have a lot of guilt. My best advice is to get a book called feeling good (http://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0380810336 or get it from the library) It's an amazing book on cognitive therapy which gives strategies to analyze thoughts and deal with guilt. It's a very interesting and easy read. It's helped me. I think it can help you too. Honestly, I think everyone can benefit from it.
Sorry if this sounds rude. That's not how I meant for any of. It to come across. I'm laying in bed after a night of lightish drinking.
EDIT: spelling and autocorrect.
Most allied health students have some issue or another around IV therapy. It's normal to feel some fear since it's an important thing to get right for the health of your patients and there's some amount of difficulty involved. At this point, probably all nursing and medical schools use simulators as part of their training. Here's one way to create and use your own:
Get some latex tubing (the natural, soft, manila colored kind). Pre-mix some water and red food coloring. Fill the tube with the mixure and clamp off the ends with a clothes pin or something similar. Lay this lengthwise over a strong cardboard tube and then cover the latex tubing with a length of flesh colored athletic tape. Don't crush the tube underneath the tape as you do this.
Talk with a nursing instructor that teaches IV therapy or a current student at the school that you want to go to and ask for some handouts, websites or for the name of the publication that they use to teach IV therapy. You might explain what you're working on if necessary. Learn the methodology the way that it's taught at that school. Here is one example methodology. That way, not only will you be working on a phobia, but you'll also learn some "hard" stuff ahead of time.
Then get some common IV size hypodermic needles, catheters and microtainers. Practice IV injections/collection on the simulator that you created above. You might have a good friend hang out with you while you do this. You could even take your kit with you to a counselor and have them pay attention to you while you simulate IV injections. Work up to the point that you begin to feel light headed or nauseous, etc... and talk about what's going on for you. If you feel shaky, sweaty, nervous, a bit light-headed then stay with those feeling for a bit and let yourself shake, sweat, feel light-headed or nauseous, etc.... Repeat this (not necessarily on the same day but over whatever period of time that you're comfortable with) until you're able to (repeatedly) successfully accomplish the task.
You can also use techniques such as those in the book Feeling Good (cognitive therapy) while you work on this. There are also other things you might try like meditation (including soothing music or background noise) or calming or "remaining in the present" type techniques.
As a student, just the preparation that you have to do might keep you focused (distracted from your phobia). Try getting all the technique correct. Did you correctly identify the patient? Did you double-check the medication, dosage and route of administration? Did you ask about drug or other allergies? Did you prepare your materials correctly? Did you wash your hands correctly? Did you swab the injection site correctly? Did you prepare the hypodermic correctly for injection? Did you inject bevel down at the proper angle? Did you aspirate for blood? Did you remember to untie the torniquet? Did you collect enough of a sample in the microtainer? Did you dispose of your needle correctly? Did you deglove correctly? Did you document correctly, etc... etc...?
You could even get a massage before or after working on it. I know that when I was working on publicly performing music, it helped a lot to use some of these techniques and getting an hour long massage just before going on was really helpful, relaxing and confidence building -- a lot like how I've heard people describe an experience with MDMA, although I've never tried it myself.
More than likely, you'll get past this fear, phobia or whatever it is. Break it down into baby steps and work your way through it. Reward/congratulate yourself for each successful step.
Well, as far as I know, antidepressants and mood stabilizers aren't for everyone. At least you won't have to worry about being on a pill for a while, potentially for the rest of your life.
>I think that my problem isn't necessarily a chemical one, but a flaw in the way I think
This here is the rockbed foundation of CBT. My uncle is a psychologist that primarily dealt with drug addiction and depression. He recommended that I read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. Supposedly my uncle suggested this book to all of his clients. It's kinda long, but it's a really good insight into the therapy. The premise is that your perception of events that happen in life dictate how you feel physically and emotionally. There are thought "distortions," as he calls them, that depressed/anxious people instinctively call upon -- sometimes without realizing it. The idea is to become mindfully aware of these distortions, analyze them and find flaws with the thinking.
For example, I am generally a calm-on-the-outside kinda guy. In fact, most people are shocked when I tell them I have GAD: "Wow, you appear so cool and collected!" Well, I internalize everything. One of the rare times my shell cracks is while driving. I have incredibly disproportional amount of negative emotions that are driven by road rage. It used to be that I would almost fantasize about taking an aluminum baseball bat and destroying the kneecaps of that "bro" or "soccer mom" that weaves in and out of traffic, cutting me off or just all-around acting like a complete imbecile. To make matters worse, sometimes it would bother me for hours, even days, later. This is probably due to the fact that I have about a -1000% tolerance to idiocy. Anyways, after learning more about CBT, that has quelled quite a bit (though on occasion I can feel my blood boil when someone does something idiotic). What changed? I realized the fact that getting worked up over it is pointless. Why? It could be the case that they didn't see me when they cut me off. Everyone makes mistakes, and I know that I've succumbed to my eyes playing tricks on me. Maybe that person is in a hurry, or their child is extremely sick and they had to rush home. What if the person is one of those BMW-driving, popped-collar douchebags who do this shit intentionally? Well, so what? It's not my fault that his penis is the size of an impotent amoeba. Chances are that he pisses off other people. Therefore, getting agitated over something you absolutely cannot change is completely counter-progressive.
Sorry for the massive reply, but I was hoping to give you a sample of what CBT entails. Feel free to message me if you want to know more.
tl;dr Yes, look into CBT.
My therapist provided me with this book on CBT that I use outside our sessions. I find that putting in the work to read and doing the exercises in the text greatly improved my depression.
That's called imposer syndrome. Look it up. Literally every graduate student has it. It's very normal.
Creatine is a substance found in high end red meat and fish that most people are deficient in. It's usually taken by bodybuilders as a workout supplement but many people take it for their brain. It's pretty much like taking a vitamin. You can find it at mist pharmacy's or on Amazon. People who are deficient in creatine, which is most of the population, can see about a 5iq point boost. It's one of the most well studied substances that exists, there's 0 downside to it as far as I can tell. (Omega 3 is good as well, but it's less dramatic and more well known)
Depression can also lower your iq by a good few points. Although if you already exercise you're probably doing most of what you can to manage it. A dietary change can help a lot with your overall brain power too. Look into a keto diet, or read an experiment to find a good diet, and you'll have a lot more energy to get things done. You said you have a healthy diet so you're probably good on this, but if you're still feeling bad the diet might not be healthy enough even if you think it is. Many people react differently to different things and there's a ton of misinformation as to what constitutes healthy.
Being a graduate student is a miserable job. You're working absurd hours for bad pay and expected to do amazing things with low odds of success. It's normal to feel the way you feel. Maybe get a therapist. Even if you're not depressed, just talking this stuff through will help you feel better and thus be more productive. Happy people tend to be significantly better at their jobs than unhappy ones so if you can learn to be happy it'll help quite a lot.
I'd recommend the book feeling good, as well. It's basically a guide to doing cognitive behavioral therapy on yourself. I disagree with the philosophy of the book, it maintains that its irrational to be unhappy regardless of circumstance. It's something Jordan Peterson is completely opposed to. However the methods of the book are scientifically sound and Peterson has vouched for the utility of cbt and uses it himself depending on the patient. It'll help you notice a lot of bad and irrational thought patterns and counter then with thoughts more congruent with reality.
Talking about it definitely helps. It's free so why not try, you have nothing to lose.
I also read [this book] (https://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336) in between sessions. It's about cognitive behavioural therapy, the author has some good points.
Dear RhinestoneTaco and everyone who replied: Thank you. Good lord, thank you. I used to think it was just me, and no one ever talks about it.
My first year I thought I was going to lose it. I have struggled with generalized anxiety (sounds like what you're describing) on-and-off since grad school. My first year was so tough, and my generalized anxiety was augmented with panic attacks once a week (just before I would teach stats to 500 students who fucking hated my guts for a variety of fuck-ups that were due to my inexperience in teaching).
If you have coverage, go see a professional. After 9 months of struggling alone (actually, after 9 months of leaning on my SO too much for support but still keeping much of my anxiety to myself) I went to see a wonderful clinical psychologist who specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy. FYI, dear scholar, CBT has been empirically been shown to be very effect for anxiety and depression.
I actually started with Mind Over Mood and Feeling Good (for real, I went into a store and bought those two books... at the same time...), which really did help. But after engaging in CBT on my own, I decided that I wanted more guidance. CBT has really changed my approach to things that cause me anxiety, and has been astronomically effective.
I saw my clinical psychologist for about 6 months, and I had perhaps 10 sessions in that time. The last session was a year and a half ago, and I haven't felt that sick, counter-productive worry in almost 2 years. During my treatment, I developed a lot of cognitive skills that help me quiet the anxiety. I still feel anxiety sometimes, but if it gets counterproductive I do a CBT worksheet and it helps.
Obviously, you're not alone in dealing with anxiety. It never occurred to me that it would be widespread, but 20% of the population is dealing with clinical anxiety at any given moment. I suspect academics have a proportionately higher rate of anxiety.
I found a book really helpful
I'm not a rape survivor, but I do suffer from an anxiety disorder and I've found cognitive behavioral therapy to be helpful. Basically it involves training yourself not to dwell on anxious thoughts and to develop more positive thinking habits.
Speaking with a therapist is often helpful just because it can help you feel like you're not completely on your own, but often it's difficult financially. If that's the case for you, I've found Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns to be a good introduction.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. You're not broken, you deserve happiness, and healing is possible.
Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns are really good.
If you have the resources, I would definitely look into counseling. Someone will help give you the tools to reshape your thinking for the better.
Or, purchase the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It deals with cognitive distortions, which it sounds like you're having a difficult time with.
I hope things get better.
This book may sound cheesy and gimmicky, but it really helped me more than anything else. I got very involved in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a means of getting better without medication and, I am not exaggerating even a little when I say this, actively practicing CBT is the only reason I'm a functioning human instead of a basket of bat-shit crazy. I highly recommend it - if you implement the techniques, it really does help IMMENSELY! And if you ever want to PM me for help or advice, I'm happy to provide!
Having been in a similar rut myself, here's what experience has taught me. I think you should focus more on what NOT to do so you can get yourself out from under this cloud.
DON'T sleep your day away b/c you can't find something better to do
DON'T try to be alone, only to end up with your thoughts that put you there in the first place
DON'T expect somebody else to pull you out of this rut.
DON'T stick with your current routine; whatever it is, it's not working.
A great way to get over the blues is to focus on other people's problems. Tutor a kid, volunteer somewhere, think about friends you haven't contacted in months, years, whatever. Just get off your ass and start to be social. Friends are crucial, and in order to get friends, you have to be a friend.
Also, you may be clinically depressed. It's not a sign of psychological weakness or abnormality... it may just be a phase you're going through. I'm not a fan of the quick-fix by getting a pill or some other substance to zombie you out so you forget your problems.
May I recommend: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336
I recommend you check out Feeling Good by David Burns. Several of your statements above ("contemplating just chopping my dick off since it doesn't get used", "I am also a complete loser who works in fast food at 23, has no vehicle, and no family", even the title) seem extreme and like you might take well to the cognitive methodology, which could also help with your shyness and depression.
just for the record, this book is one (probably of many) that lists the cognitive distortions.
What I'm hearing is that your in a lot of pain emotionally, and somewhat physically, for reasons that aren't your fault. May I suggest something before you take that final step? Try everything to address it..and I do mean everything. Think of it as research project. It would give you something to do, and you might discover something that works. You owe yourself that much.
A few suggestions.
Cognitive therapy. It's [clinically proven](
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201111/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-proven-effectiveness) to help with a number of disorders, including depression and anxiety. You don't need to see a therapist for it to be effective, and it can even be done online.
5HTP. It's a serotonin precursor, sold as an inexpensive supplement in most health food stores, and it may work where standard SSRI's like Celexa don't. Although it's worth trying other meds too. I had to experiment for quite a while until I found something that worked for me consistently.
My point: you've been in crisis for a long time now, and that can affect your thinking. Put an all out effort into alleviating your symptoms , and see if affects your thought patterns. Again, think of it as a research project.
Finally, keep dabbling with the writing. You obviously have a talent for it, and it can be a good outlet. There are a number of writing subreddits if you need inspiration.
I pretty much only read non-fiction, so I'm all about books that are educational but also interesting :) I'm not sure what your educational background is, so depending on how interested you are in particular subjects, I have many recommendations.
Naked Statistics and Nate Silver's Book are both good!
Feeling Good is THE book on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
The Omnivore's Dilemma is good, as is Eating Animals (granted, Eating Animals is aimed at a particular type of eating)
Guns, Germs and Steel is very good.
I also very much enjoyed The Immortal Live of Henrietta Lacks, as well as Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman :)
edit to add: Chris Hadfield's Book which I haven't received yet but it's going to be amazing.
> Something to consider is first, Why are you using cannabis? Beyond just 'everything seems dull'. If you've been a daily smoker for a long time you're likely self medicating for something you're not even fully aware of. Maybe depression.
I completely agree with this. It sounds to me like /u/lysowl is self-medicating for depression. If he quits cannabis without also treating the underlying problem, he's probably just going to feel much worse.
/u/lysowl, I'd highly recommend that you visit a therapist or a psychiatrist. If that really is too expensive, maybe you can do some self-improvement work on your own to try to lessen your symptoms. I've heard good things about David Burns' book about depression called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. His book about anxiety helped me a lot.
You have no idea how much I relate to this, I really do. There are so many thing I'd like to say but I'm gonna try to keep it short and to the point. You can take my advice or leave it, all I can say is this is what I did to get out of my hole.
And on that subject, this book is pretty universally acclaimed for CBT. I have a copy and it's definitely helped me out!
Read the book, "Feeling Good," I think it will help you with some of this, did wonders for me. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1377780128&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good
Remember not to mind read the people you're around! Stay confident and you'll be just fine.
This book's done me wonders:
Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy
Recommended to me by my therapist. In print >20 years. It's probably at the library. This book answered questions I didn't know enough to ask. Good stuff.
Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy Changed my life. In print for >twenty years. Recommended to me by my therapist.
Are you getting ongoing help for depression/ anxiety? It sounds like you're still having trouble with it, and it's messing with your ability to carry out your plans.
Example A: "If I fail again this time, I really don’t know what to do anymore." That's an example of fatalistic, all-or-nothing thinking, being served up by depression and anxiety.
Example B: "I don’t like elevators, because it might get stuck because of my weight." This is simply false; elevators are rated for like 1000 pounds. This sounds like depression and anxiety talking.
I'm not trying to minimize the unhappiness you're feeling right now, or to try to talk you out of losing weight. But these habits of thought are driving you down. If you get your depression and anxiety addressed, you'll be in a better position to carry out a plan to lose weight.
Strongly recommend that you look into cognitive therapy. Meanwhile look up this book:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, MD
Your library may have it. You can get it for around $5.00 on Amazon and it is worth every penny. It's a classic. It's like physical therapy for your brain.
Seeking help is obviously a good thing for you to do...or simply having a good friend who'll listen to you vent is also really helpful.
Certain vitamins and minerals can help lessen the effects of depression like Vitamin E. Also exercise!
Finally, a book I read that helped me out this past year after I got out of college and was very disillusioned with my post grad life/depressed about personal issues was Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Written by a doctor, it has some really great tips on written exercises to help you get out of the cycle of negative/depressed thinking. Give it a try, and if you don't want to buy it just go chill in a Barnes and Noble for a while and read it! It was in the bestselling paperbacks section when I found it. Hope this helps!
I would add Feeling Good under self-control, highly recommended.
To the books about Christianity suggested by /u/AsianComes, I would like to add a book that can help with depression: Feeling Good by David Burns.
I'm not a fan of "self-help" books, but this is nothing of the like. It's a great workbook with practical instruction on using Cognitive Behavior Therapy and other tools to overcome or ease depression. It's written by a professional whose good heart and humbleness transpire through the pages, and it will arm you with a lot of useful information.
What really helped me change the way I think was to write my thoughts down and poke holes in the logic. By doing that I could figure out why I was thinking those thoughts and course correct. I had to find a balance between being over critical and over forgiving, but I've really had to stay on top of it. I'd say the effort I've put into my weight loss so far has been about 5% diet/physical exercise and about 95% mental exercise.
I used this book to help me do that...it's obviously not a diet book, but the concepts apply to pretty much anything and have helped me keep on task and be actually honesty with myself while still keeping a positive attitude about it all.
Could it be caused by anxiety? If you think maybe so, try some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy such as the excellent book "Feeling Good-The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David Burns. The book is really good, just reading it can teach you so much.
The name of the book is Feeling Good by David Burns -- it is old but remains very popular, and I always recommend it to people who are struggling, whether it is specifically "depression" or not.
One word of note: the first chapter is dry as heck because he is making the case for his method, but it gets better quickly after that.
I agree that it is reassuring to connect with other people, especially redditors, who struggle. Definitely helps me feel less alone! Thanks for the kind thoughts.
Approaching women when you're not fond of yourself is generally a bad idea. For help approaching women and increasing your quality of life generally head to /r/seduction. I also can recommend Feeling Good from David D. Burns it shows you some ways to work on your depression.
First, with depression: I found this book very helpful:
About the path: It will show itself, you should just enjoy your life and be open to opportunities.
At 23 I was about to be promoted to a position above my competence level, which I was fired from at 25, which ended my military service career. I had no education, alone. I tried college for two years and failed. I started a process of moving to another country, which took me over 5 years. In that period I went into sales, which became my real career. At 43 I am still learning, improving myself, but I am healthy, have a great family, and I enjoy making 6 figures in sales.
Your job doesn't have to be what you will do for the rest of your life. It is OK to work to support yourself, as long as you have something you enjoy between work shifts. You like music? Make music. Not full time for money, it's enough if you enjoy it, and you find someone else that will enjoy it.
I found this book, Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns to be helpful. The book explains how depression is based in distorted thinking. I made a worksheet based on the book and doing it daily did eventually help relieve my depression. If you want a write-up describing the worksheet I have it saved and I can send you a copy. Good luck.
Read "Feeling Good" and "Intimate Connections" by David D. Burns.
I studied these books, and they greatly helped me overcome my loneliness/depression. They aren't bullshit pseudoscience hippie self-help books. The advice they give is simple, and I can pretty much guarantee your life will improve if you follow them.
Yes, both of those are books.
Mind over Mood
Do you currently take medication for your anxiety? if so do they work? Are you in therapy? If you aren't doing those two things already, you should definitely speak with your doctor about them ASAP. In the mean time, and/or if you've already done that part of things, I would recommend checking out the book Feeling Good, it's essentially a CBT handguide for depression and anxiety and proven to be effective via clinical trials.
If you have insurance there's usually a "Doctor-finder" application of some sort in your member portal online. You can even call your provider and I'm sure they'll be able to tell you about the local psychiatrists, psychologist, therapists, etc. in your area.
Regarding specific kinds of therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT are very helpful in changing behaviors that aren't helpful. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, etc. I have experience with DBT and it's really been life changing.
My psychiatrist also recommended this book: Feeling Good. It's by the psychiatrist that helped to popularize CBT way back in the '80s.
I just read that you felt you didn't know where to start and I've been in the same position of not knowing how to go about starting therapy and wanted to share.
Best of luck!
To clarify, "brain depression" and "organic type depression" are not real terms. There are organic mental disorders which are mental disorders caused by physical diseases (like, a mental disorder caused by a brain tumor, for example). That's not what you're talking about. You're talking about clinical depression. Furthermore, all forms of depression occur in the brain. Everything happens in the brain, or as a result of brain activity. So, "brain depression" is a misnomer. That's like saying "stomach digestion." I get that you were trying to distinguish between clinical depression and situational mood shifts caused by external factors, but you went a bit off the rails there.
I've had major suicidal depression since I was a child. I've never once had therapy touted to me as an all-out cure. It's part of an overall strategy for managing recovery. Among many other things, therapy is designed to provide adaptive tools for coping, catharsis in being able to share your traumas, troubles, and frustrations with someone, and in the case of CBT specifically, it provides evidence-based techniques for altering patterns of thought which contribute to depression and low functioning. As someone who has struggled with major suicidal depression for decades, it has helped me tremendously.
I'm guessing you've never tried CBT yourself. You also seem to assume that all science is funded by the government. It seems like you just wanted to have some echo-chamber validation of your narrative here, but if you actually do want some everyday examples of people who have been helped (many have used the word "life-changing") by CBT, read through these Amazon reviews of a book which makes its techniques accessible to everyone. All it cost them was $5 for a paperback book and some earnest effort to put the tools into practice.
There's a book I read once that really helped me with my depression. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_vK2JzbENRZ5R4
It opened me up to Cognitive Therapy, which is simply a set of mental exercises you can do to help you look at your thoughts more objectively. Right now, you're depressed. Changing your mood is super tough. But if you start by looking at your thoughts and analyzing what's rational and what isnt, you'll start feeling better. Moreover, you'll do something about the pattern of thinking thats currently working against you.
I recommend the book to learn more and try out specific things you can do to help yourself.
Good luck feeling better. You can do it.
Anxiety and depression will cycle you through your distorted thinking and keep you unhappy. That is why It's very important that you challenge your distorted thoughts on a regular basis using logic.
I would recommend you use the the exercises in the following book:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Great recommendation. OP, listen to u/clevelanders.
Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy (by Dr. David Burns) is amazing.
I've also used Change Your Thinking by Dr. Sarah Edelman which was tremendously effective.
An excellent book for getting rid of depression is Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns:
read up on cognitive behavioral therapy
i started reading this book ( https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 ) a while back but haven't gotten very far. that said, it is very helpful in explaining why you think the way you do, with examples. it's also in the first person from the author, so it helps that it sounds like someone is saying these things to you
you don't need to actually action on anything now. that can be daunting. but understanding why you have the internal monologue and why it's hard to get away from is a really good start
any remotely useful advice below will be better learned from reading the book
best of luck!
This book has been really helpful for my negative self talk
I'd 2nd this. Along with any medication I'd look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, usually abbreviated CBT. It's very likely that you've got some maladaptive cognitive processes/habits that go along with your depression. You want to fix those because they're going to be part of your depression. And it may be that you only need medication temporarily and that therapy can help you live depression free medication free.
I was in a situation were getting medicated wasn't an option and so I did CBT on myself after reading some books. It has made a big difference. Makes you a better person too! Since a lot of CBT is creating habits for how you think about things that frustrate you. It's amazing when you take a guided/objective look at your own mental habits how often sabotage yourself without even knowing it.
The book I would recommend is: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1377489273&amp;sr=8-6&amp;keywords=cognitive+behavioral+therapy+depression
Sounds tough my friend. It seems you feel some uncertainty and are looking to try to find yourself, which is difficult given the negatives in your life.
It can be very hard to change your mindset or perspective on the things going on in your life. But working on changing your mental perspective, just like one would work out the physical body, can really help with converting your thoughts to positive, leading to positive emotions. A research-supported method for changing one's perceptions is cognitive behavioral therapy. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 is a famous book on cognitive behavioral therapy, and the book helped me a lot when times were rough.
I wish you all the best.
I had the same experience in my country, it is really hard to find someone who can actually help you. After years of fighting with depression one psychoanalyst helped me, and we were mostly concerned how I deal with my anger.
My loop was I get irrationally scared, than angry on someone and since that anger is irrational I turn that anger toward myself and depression was the way to punish myself. That took (I would say: only) a year and a half to discover and to really comprehend.
I have also found other approach (other then psychoanalysis) and it is called Behavior Cognitive Therapy. Good thing about it is there is a book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy! that teaches you to dismiss wrong ideas and I think it is worth to try. At least it is cheap (or even free, just search for it on usual places) way to try and do something.
Good luck, I hope you will find a way out off it.
Please read "Feeling Good:The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David D Burns. This is not a pseudo-scientific self-help books and the author studied medicine from Stanford (if I remember right). The book describes "cognitive therapy" and how it is scientifically proven to be as effective (if not better) at combating depression and anxiety, as an anti-depressive medication. It has a whole chapter on anti-depressants (which you can skip if you like, as it sometimes gets a bit technical) where the author actually addresses all the concerns that you have (seems like a lot of people share your concern). He doesn't really push against having anti-depressants, and says that from his personal experience as a doctor and a psychiatrist, he has seen that anti-depressants can and does help his patients initially in the therapy (expecially if they are severely depressed). He dispels many common myths of anti-depressants. And he also adds that in some cases he has just used cognitive therapy alone.
I'm sorry to hear that mate :(
Are you seeing anyone right now? It's always a good idea to seek professional guidance.
If you aren't ready for that yet consider giving this book a read:
One of the most successful treatments for depression is something called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I know for a lot of people seeking help can be extremely difficult, this book will introduce you to some of the techniques used in CBT in private, but honestly it's best to have a professional talking it through with you also.
Meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy may be able to help you.
>The experts we spoke to agree that, when looking at the science on the benefits of mindfulness meditation, there are three conditions with a strong and convincing body of evidence to support its effects: depression, anxiety, and chronic pain.
>Although the research still is not definitive, the positive effects of mindfulness meditation on these conditions “is holding up to the strongest, strictest standards of research” in well-designed, well-powered trials, Vago
>Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to be effective for a wide variety of mental health disorders,1 including anxiety disorders.2-6 CBT has also been associated with improvements in quality of life in anxiety patients.7 CBT is typically conceptualized as a short-term, skills-focused treatment aimed at altering maladaptive emotional responses by changing the patient's thoughts,behaviors, or both.
A really good place to learn CBT on your own is the books of Dr. David Burns. This one is a good start: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_lBtNBbBVT5CM4
Here's a good webpage on CBT too: https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/
> I'm always focused on me me me (like this post) and as a result I feel I've become detached from the feelings of others around me. Or otherwise I'm busy judging other people to make me feel more secure in myself. It's a terrible loop. Anything I do for others is usually framed by my mind as "oh this will make them like me" resulting in me feeling very fake. I'm always looking at how I can use people to my advantage/how they can be of use to me.
>I'm always living in fear and as a result I think I've lost what ever love I had for the outside world.
This strikes me as something particularly able to change with meditation (well, and cbt too). One of the effects of continued meditation is loss of the strength of your ego, of your self conception, and stronger authentic interest in others.
A type of meditation that you can also engage in is "loving-kindness meditation", which is exactly directed at meditating upon developing a sense of love and kindness towards other people, without any self ego in the picture. It'd be best done alongside regular mindfulness meditation.
Finally, you may consider this one odd, but I wouls recommend possibly experimenting with psychedelic therapy in a safe environment, if you can find such a thing. Please don't just go out and take a drug right away, but perhaps read up a bit on that subject, what you find might interest you.
But anyway, I'd really strongly recommend the first two things, meditation and CBT.
Just leaving this here for OP: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
You're right that you ain't dying like cancer patients and I'm barking up the wrong tree in making such comparison.
What you described, I've observed with my bipolar SO in the leading months after a major episode. The biggest impact is loss of confidence, energy and motivation, this dark cloud follows her everywhere. She's constantly fighting the bad signals coming out of her brain and sometimes I'm at loss how to support her amid these constant barrage of bad thoughts.
> I know it's only a matter of time before it turns to crap
Try a baby step, say taking a long walk 3 times weekly. Is there something that prevents you from such activity? Check back after a week if this endeavour saps your energy or motivation. There are small dreams and big dreams, each begins with one small step. At times when life is tough, learn to give yourself some small win to get past each day.
Try reading the "Feeling Good" by Dr David M Burns. It contains a number of techniques you can try to cope with debilitating illness. I use it off and on, like for instance it is unrealistic to have a good day daily each week (if anyone could, write a book and I'll buy it immediately), even for normal people. So what constitute a good week?
There is also "Mind over mood", has good reviews. Haven't read it yet, if you find this book useful, do share it here.
May be hard to focus on reading when mind ain't there. Ask a friend to read it together with you, or audiobooks? I too had my fair share of reading, then going through some exercises in the book with bipolar SO (who obviously doesn't like reading and thinks she knows the gist already after reading one chapter).
Hey there, Feeling Good by Dr. Burns is a pretty solid book regarding CBT. It has a lot of exercises in it you can do to help yourself as well as a lot of information on emotional awareness. I have this book. It helps me deal with anxiety and depression.
Try the one linked below. As the studies in the book cite, going through the CBT exercises have yielded results that match or surpass results for the individuals that are taking medication. Don't take an internet stranger's word for it though. Talk to your therapist and do some research.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_lOjtzb2K0428C
> How do I get rid of this?
Study that shit like it's a college course. Journal the exact messages that pop into your head, word for word, for maybe a 2-4 week time period. Journal the time of day or what was happening at the time these messages appeared in your mind. Once you have the journal, you will most likely find there's a few repetitive messages that play like old tapes from your childhood, maybe 5 or 6 set on repeat. You hopefully will also uncover the situations that 'trigger' these old tapes to play. (For me, when the negative tapes from my abusive childhood begin to play, it often means I need to eat.) Write out your arguments AGAINST these few core tapes, that prove these old tapes to be utter bullshit with ZERO connnection to reality. After that, it's simply a matter of countering these old tapes with your arguments that prove the tapes false, every time they pop into your head, such that their power over you is reduced over time as you continue to argue against and talk back to these thoughts, in order to put them in their place in the clear light of reality.
It might be helpful to read up on cognitive distortions since these old tapes we carry often are cognitive distortions. A book that can help you with this is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy . Although it was written for those with depression, the material has much to do with uncovering the cognitive distortions we can carry about ourselves.
Such great points here. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of getting some mental health support but also addressing any underlying medical issues. So many of us are deficient in important vitamins and minerals due to lack of healthy nutrition and soil depletion, other environmental factors. I echo all the comments that encourage you to work on becoming healthy in body and mind. Exercise, nutrition, counseling or even some kick ass books that help you to shift your outlook. This book is supposed to be awesome, even life changing : https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336.
And have you ever read Perks of Being a Wallflower? Or a book that explains and normalizes introversion? This one is great: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Depression is no joke. And we can’t answer why you feel this way. But please know that it is common, you are not alone, and it can and will get better. You are not getting dumb or disappearing. That is just the depression and once it lifts — through medication, therapy or other changes in lifestyle — you will feel better and back to yourself. You will know joy and you will have an easier time connecting with others. Promise. I speak from my personal experience. Hang in there.
I'm not qualified or experienced enough to give you advice. I didn't start smoking until it was legal here.
I do however recommend buying a book called Feeling Good or The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It's been translated into a bunch of languages, so it may be in your language. It was published in Norway as I understand.
It will help you with your anxiety. Used with cannabis, I find it very helpful. Even when I couldn't use cannabis, it's still very helpful.
I just wanted to pass that along since no one else is commenting yet.
Buy and read this book:
It seems like your magnifying everything. It's a negative feed back loop that continually takes you to the place you are in now. Something bad happens to you, your next thought is a little worse, then a little worse, and you keep going down the rabbit hole until something minor turns into the end of the world. I'm not saying whatever you are going through it nothing, but you are reacting to it poorly.
This book teaches you to learn how to deal with negative thoughts. It trains you to allow the bad things in life to not affect your thought pattern that usually takes you to the place you seem to be in now.
Once you learn to deal with the thought pattern that got you to the place you're at now, you can focus on what's really causing your issues.
imho, i think your friends a bit of jerks to begin with. I know that feel when they're good to you in person but complete jerks when in a different social setting.
Maybe that trip was a sign to start your life over. After all, there's no other way but up when you hit rock bottom, is there?
I suggest this book that many found helpful including myself:
>Every problem of mine can be traced back to my height.
That literally reads like a line out of this book. Dude, avoid the rope, don't cope, live instead.
Cognitive behavioral therapy. After (and during) an abusive relationship, CBT helped me realize what I was doing wrong, while also giving me confidence and letting me realize that I deserved love. If you don't want to go to therapy, at least check out Feeling Good - https://smile.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336?sa-no-redirect=1
/u/tuckermalc and /u/pizzzahero both have great comments. I'll add a bit. Go to /r/stoicism, read [William Irvine's book] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0195374614?keywords=william%20irvine&amp;qid=1456992251&amp;ref_=sr_1_1&amp;sr=8-1), then read [Epictetus's Enchiridion] (http://www.amazon.com/Enchiridion-Dover-Thrift-Editions-Epictetus/dp/0486433595/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1456992275&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=enchiridion). follow their guidelines. Also check out /r/theXeffect. The most important thing is controlling your habits. If you're in the habit of eating healthy, getting enough sleep, going to the gym, etc. then you're set.
Now for stuff that's harder to do. Go see a therapist. Or a psychiatrist. Try to find a [therapist who can do EMDR] (http://www.emdr.com/find-a-clinician/) with you, it's a very effective technique (I saw a clinician who uses EMDR for two years, and it changed my life-- and, importantly, it's supported by strong scientific evidence, it's not quackery stuff like homeopathy or acupuncture). If you decide to go to a psychiatrist, tell them you don't want SSRIs. Look at other drugs: Wellbutrin, tricyclics, SNRIs, etc (check out selegiline in patch form, called EMSAM, as well). Seriously, go see a professional and talk to them. I have no doubt that you're wrestling with mental illness. I have been there. For me, it just felt normal. I didn't understand that other people didn't feel like I did...so it took me a long time to go get help. But it's so important to just start working through these things and getting support. That's really the most important thing you can do. It will make your life so much better. If you aren't able to get to a therapist, do Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) on yourself! [This is a brilliant program] (https://moodgym.anu.edu.au) that's widely respected. Do it over and over. Also read [Feeling Good by David Burns] (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1456992639&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good+david+burns). It's a book on CBT, and can help you get started. There are lots of other resources out there, but you have to begin by realizing that something is wrong.
Finally, I'll talk about college. Don't try to go to fricking Harvard or MIT. You won't get in, and those aren't even the right schools for you. There are many excellent schools out there that aren't the super super famous Ivies. Look at reputable state schools, like UMich, UMinnesota, the UC system, etc. get ["Colleges that Change Lives"] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0143122304?keywords=colleges%20that%20change%20lives&amp;qid=1456992746&amp;ref_=sr_1_1&amp;sr=8-1), the [Fiske Guide to Colleges] (http://www.amazon.com/Fiske-Guide-Colleges-2016-Edward/dp/1402260660/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1456992768&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=fiske+guide), and [Debt-Free U] (http://www.amazon.com/Debt-Free-Outstanding-Education-Scholarships-Mooching/dp/1591842980/ref=pd_sim_14_15?ie=UTF8&amp;dpID=515MwKBIpzL&amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;preST=_AC_UL160_SR104%2C160_&amp;refRID=1VC3C23RJP6ZMXGG5QBA). One thing I realized after college was that I would've been happy at any of the school I looked at. People are fed such a line of BS about school, like you have to go to the top Ivies or something. No way. Find a good place at which you can function, learn as much as possible, and have a good social life. Like another person said, also look at going to a community college for a year and then transferring-- my relative did this and ended up at Harvard for grad school in the end.
It didn't help me at all, seems like the therapist just wanted me to keep talking and talking, without really providing a cure to my problems. It felt weird to spout my negativity and open my mind onto one person. Probably depends on your therapist though. My therapist was all smiles and happiness and it seemed off putting. I personally wanted someone who was hard on me, had me work harder to beat my depression.
I found what really helped was reading David Burns's book Feeling Good, which helped me realize that most of my problems were from me being too critical of myself. That book combined with good hygiene, healthy sleep habits, a gym routine, and hard work pretty much killed my depression.
I have fought this dragon, I have some weapons to share. It's a big dragon, and detailed examples help, so this is a long post. For even longer-form content, here are some books I can recommend:
You might want to seek out a Christ-centered therapist. You don't have to suffer; there is hope.
Another thing I would recommend to you is the book Feeling Good by David Burns. Dr. Burns is a psychiatrist and the book is an easy read, written for people currently suffering with depression.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Huge leaps in understanding the human mind, great for anyone who wants to better themself.
maybe you can learn to. there's a book that could be very useful, and it's basically about learning to identify your thought patterns and see where they're leading you when you start to worry or ruminate on things (really the basics of cognitive - behavioral therapy, also known as CBT). https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 I
This one is really good too
this book will help. it teaches you to challenge the assumptions and thoughts you have which produce anxiety.
> I wish I could love myself enough to not smoke weed because I know it is not good for me.
It sounds to me like you could really use therapy, or at least start reading a book like Feeling Good by David D. Burns.
Judging from your comments I’d suggest therapy. Seriously man everyone needs at least one session. Here’s a link to find a therapist
If you can’t afford one then go to a library or buy Doctor David D Burns: Feeling Good the new mood therapy book. It’s on sale for $6
>Maybe I like being a lazy, disgusting, fat, worthless, unhelpful, useless, failing piece of shit. I am so lazy that I am trying to sleep on rock bottom.
You're depressed, bro. That's not you talking. That's depression. And depression is a liar. If it's financially feasible, get yourself to a psychiatrist and/or a therapist with all due haste. If not, pick up a copy of Feeling Good and get to reading. It'll help. It helped me.
You're also overwhelmed. You see so many problems in your life that you don't even know where to begin. You may have heard the old cliché about how to eat an elephant — one bite at a time. You can't solve all of your problems in one fell swoop. You need to break the big issues down into smaller, achievable tasks.
Those fantasies of yours? Those are your goals. Those thoughts are where you'd like to be. The issue is that you have absolutely no idea how to get from the start to the finish line, and you have zero chance of getting there unless you map it out.
So make your map. You've already identified the big problems: Your poor eating and grooming habits, your internet addiction and — whether you realize it or not — your negative thought patterns. Thoughts like this:
>All my family members are thoroughly disappointed in me. I am probably the only one to fail an examination in the history of my family. Something no one would have expected from me. My words have no worth to them. And you can't blame them. I don't have any respect. Because of very good reasons. I have let my parents down. I am a horrible horrible investment.
Unless they have told you this to your face (and I somehow doubt it), this is very likely your depression telling you these things. You're obviously not sure if you're the first person in the history of your family to fail an exam. And besides, it happens to many of us from time to time. The question is, why did you fail? Was it lack of preparation? A lack of interest in the subject matter of the class? No matter what the answer is, it's very likely something you can address.
As for respect, it sounds like the person you need respect from the most is yourself. Your depression is telling you that you don't deserve it, but you owe it to yourself. One thing that really helped me when I was feeling really low was this post about non-zero days. Read it. Twice.
I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I'm also someone who wouldn't wish the kind of depression I've lived through on my worst enemies. You're in the middle of something similar to what I experienced when I was at my worst. If there's one thing that I hope you take away from my response, it's this: IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
You are capable of getting through this. There is life after depression. There is life after failure.
So let's look at what you said at the end of your post again:
>Maybe I like being a lazy, disgusting, fat, worthless, unhelpful, useless, failing piece of shit.
Wrong. If you did, you wouldn't have made this post. You wouldn't have sought out help. You would have been fine accepting those things you called yourself (which, again, are lies depression is telling you). But you called out and asked for help. That alone is commendable. It took courage to do that. You made yourself vulnerable, and the result of that is that you're learning there are people in the world who are willing to listen, willing to care, and willing to help.
Hard truth: This isn't going to magically go away. It's going to take work. It's going to be difficult. But the effort is worth the result. The more work you do, the better you'll feel.
Disclaimer: I'm not a medical professional, and therefore I'm not qualified to diagnose or treat any disease. I'm just a guy who has dealt with the things you're dealing with now.
Just take things one step at a time, it sounds like you know what you have to do. Dedicate yourself to your studies, get a job after college, gain your independence...
As for the emotional stuff, focus on what you do have rather than what you don't have. Develop closer relationships with your friends, etc...
There's really no need to occupy your mind with this crap from your mother, and I know it's difficult not to think about that, but the best way to do that is to give yourself something else to think about: your education, your friendships.
Also, a book recommendation:
It has a lot of coping strategies and basically teaches you how to deconstruct irrational thoughts and concerns so that you can move past them...
Therapists told you there's nothing they could do? I think it's time for a new therapist.
Check out these two books. Read the reviews on Amazon.
Both are by Dr. David Burns, an expert psychiatrist with decades of experience.
Feeling Good by David Burns was helpful for me. There are a bunch of exercises and techniques for recognizing negative thought patterns and countering them.
I will say that if she's not even willing to try CBT (or any other type of self-therapy) then I agree with /u/Shaquintosh that her stated priorities don't line up with actual priorities.
Some of these posts may be 2gamma4me.
I would recommend reading Dr. David Burns' book Feeling Good Handbook -> http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336. This book is beyond awesome and can help out with some of those social anxiety concerns. Easy to read and approach. Will be praying for you!
If you are in enough pain to seriously consider suicide, and post to this subreddit, then you are experiencing some level of depression, whether you believe it or not.
Honestly answer these questions, and it may give you a better understanding of where you actually are.
The only reason I know about this checklist is because I myself have taken it a number of times. It can be a sobering realization to truthfully answer them. Another book that has been tremendously helpful is called Feeling Good. It really gives you hope that you are in control of what you are experiencing, and helps you understand how and why, instead of only thinking of yourself as a victim with an affliction you ave no control over. That simply isn't the case.
Have you looked into Feeling Good by David Burns? It's a cognitive-behavioral therapy based book and only costs $8 + shipping. There's a few studies on its effectiveness. (I believe Feeling Good was used as the book in question for all of the 'bibliotherapies'.) I don't know enough to evaluate the strength of these studies' findings, but if anyone could shed some light on this I'd be very appreciative:
I honestly think you should look back into therapy again, but please don't go to a therapist you hate! Finding the right therapist can be a bit like dating, it might take you a few tries to find someone who you feel understands you and can actually help you. I also highly recommend this book, it has helped my entire family deal with low self-esteem/self worth.
As for your partner, some serious conversations need to be had. Is he actively turning you down for sex/intimacy in favour of porn or is this an occasional thing? If he is no longer being affectionate with you, you need to sit down and have a serious talk. Couples counselling could also help you, as having a neutral third party guiding you through your conversations can save you a lot of anger and resentment.
My advice is to not book anything yet, wait until you are feeling better about yourself and your relationship, the wedding can wait. You don't want to end up in a marriage where you resent your partner, it's better to work these things out before you even consider walking down the aisle. I'm sending you so much love and many hugs, you deserve to be loved and cherished ((hugs))
Here's a very good book to read with regards to changing your thinking patterns and challenging your thoughts. Anyone who is, or has experienced depression will be able to relate very well to it. Free pdf.
Might want to look at this.
In that case, here's a book that has helped me.
Regular exercise (running) and this book helped me a lot:
If you are getting to a point where you can't function or having suicidal thoughts a lot then get your ass to a psychiatrist if you haven't already. Definitely quit comparing yourself to others achievements. You are special in your own way and you'll get there when you get there.
Are you referring to this book? http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336
I'm reading this book. seems to be helping so far. I feel totally overwhelmed too.
Dump her. $85 a session is too much for a "resource."
I wouldn't knock therapy in general just because there are bad therapists out there, but finding a good therapist is hard. Primarily, therapy is a constructive relationship between the therapist and the patient, but if the relationship isn't working (as it sounds like in your case) then you should jump ship or find another therapist.
When looking for a good therapist, it's important to know what you want or need beforehand. You should always interview the therapist before making a decision, to see what kind of treatment they provide (e.g. I'm a fan of cognitive behavior therapy) and to see if they have experience addressing your issues. Remember that you're not paying just for someone to talk to; you're paying for someone to help you.
If you don't want to continue therapy, there are several workbooks out there you can buy to help yourself, such as this classic.
I've been there, man.
First of all, Adderall's a very dangerous drug and doctors overprescribe it. You build up a tolerance quickly, and the come-down is rough. I fell into a deep depression when I was abusing the 30mg XR's. I would find that as I was coming down, negative thoughts would surge into my head to fill the vacuum that was previously filled by the top-of-the-world feeling that Adderall gave me. I alienated myself from my friends during this time because I was so damn negative and I was a terrible person to be around. Once I realized that the feeling was physiological, I came to expect the feeling that came from this artificial drug that I was taking. I still take Adderall from time to time, but I cycle it to minimize its tolerance and I know very well how it makes me feel and I keep it under control (like by sleeping when I come down off of it).
I'm not sure if you are still on any prescription meds. Since you've been taking Zoloft since you were 11, it may be a good idea to see what it's like without the meds and I do think that anti-depressants are overprescribed as well. However, I only started taking an SSRI last year, and it has made a world of a difference to me. I've long believed that I could control my emotions by will-power alone, but being on anti-depressants finally allows me to curb my wild emotional mood swings. I no longer fight with everyone like I used to. The effects have been enormous. SSRI's like Zoloft are not made to make you happy. The "happy" feeling comes from Dopamine. What SSRI's do is they keep Serotonin flowing in your brain, so you can regulate your emotions. Many sources will attribute serotonin to "happiness", but it is not the same as the euphoric kind of "happiness" that dopamine gives you and many people are misled by this fact.
As for the rest of the issues, you must seek therapy. Depression is best treated with a combination of anti-depressant medications AND therapy. The drugs will help you physiologically stabilize your mood, but since a lot of your problems are based on your perception of yourself and your problems, you will need to tackle them in your mind. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is the best option, by and large. If you want a good book on the topic, I highly suggest David Burns' Feeling Good. Your thoughts, or cognition, frames everything that you go through in your life. The majority of your statements in your post are marked by negative perceptions. One thing may be wrong in your life, but you stretch it out and extrapolate that negativity to all of these other aspects of your life. This is a flaw in your thinking, and it can be changed.
Our brain works by creating neural pathways that become denser and increasingly more complex depending on the things you do. The way you've been living your life, from every little thing like the routine of your life, your habits, etc. are connected to the feelings of depression that you have. This rut is fueled by the same feelings of failure and hopelessness that have plagued you throughout your life. If you keep everything else the same, you are not going to have the momentum you need to break out of the rut.
The single-most important thing in breaking out of a rut is hope. You have to believe that you can get out of it, and that no matter how much it seems like nothing has changed and that you aren't making progress, that the future is unwritten and literally anything can happen. You have to be able to take things for what they are, without placing a filter or frame on it.
I'm still fighting the propensity to relapse and return to my rut. It's on-and-off, and I used to hate myself for this. I used to have a week of absolute productivity, but when I would miss one day of my perfect regimen, I would give up for weeks. I had very little faith in myself. But then I would just stop whatever it is I'm doing, breathe deeply and slowly, and do something stupid that is completely new. Like brushing with my left hand, or typing a word backwards or something - anything. It reminds me that my brain is making new connections, and that there is always another path to take. Our brains are plastic, just like we are - we can change, and in a sense your past does not really matter at all. Both good and bad. You have now, and you will always have this perpetual now. Everything is possible in this now, and you can start now. If you fuck up, whatever, start now then.
A quote that I also find that helps me is this: "To become what one is, one must not have the faintest notion of what one is." Frederick Nietzsche.
I'd probably recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. I'm not sure if it comes with a CD, but it goes through the basics of CBT fairly well. You might want to read it with your boyfriend, or have him read it as well, so that he can understand what you're trying to do and how to support you through it.
Okay. One thing that helped me was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and that's something that you can do on your own to some degree. It shares some territory with meditation in a way. I think they reinforce each other, but CBT is targeted specifically for depression so you might see more immediate results if you incorporate that too. If that interests you there's a popular book for the self-application of CBT called Feeling Good that's helped a lot of people.
you sound a lot like me at 22. gay culture and its superficiality and focus on looks turns a LOT of people into catty bitches and makes a LOT of people feel undesirable. i didn't meet anyone at my college either, even though it had a thriving gay community, because i was too insecure to deal with other people.
fast forward four years: i saw a good therapist for a year and a half, focus on being the best person i can be, stay in shape for myself, not for anyone else's approval (this usually means running as opposed to lifting -- running is better for me anyway). and you know what? i had been reading since, oh, age 16 that confidence is what really matters and that's what gets you guys, but it's seriously only been in the past two years that i've started to build that. i now talk to people on grindr and in person who, two years ago, i would have just assumed were way out of my league. and you know what? i get more attention from guys than ever. finding an SO, sadly, can often just take years of looking for someone compatible. but unlike my unhealthy attitudes earlier in life, i realize now that i haven't dated anyone seriously in a few years because those were my decisions and other peoples' decisions, and it actually has nothing to do with my inherent desirability (which is a totally stupid concept anyway.)
don't let the fact that you're not dating anyone define your self-worth, which is what you're doing. by an extension of your logic, i'm worthless because i've been single for a few years. but you know what? that ain't so.
forget other people and what they think. work on self-improvement, being a person you're proud of is WAY more important than having a boyfriend. your own words say it all:
"I obviously have no diploma or proper career, I have no real adventures to share with people that would make me seem amazing and worldly (I’ve read a lot, if that counts). But most of all, I am single and celibate..."
"most of all" --> you think being single and celibate is more significant / important than career, travels, what you've read, and by extension of these things, your interests/personality/etc.? no way. not a chance.
just re-prioritize, my friend. you're clearly a highly intelligent person, and brave for coming out at such a young age. therapy is expensive but a really really really really good idea. if you can't afford it, read this: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 and do all of the exercises -- it's sort of like a therapist in a book. but you gotta make it happen for yourself. someone else can't make you feel better about yourself.
i'll conclude with two rupaul quotes:
The problem is (as you well know) that you can't force someone to get help. But you certainly can encourage him. Self-help can be very effective. I would check out this book, I've found it very useful: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
Why Buddhism is True
Things I have lying around that I intend to read real soon, roughly in this order:
Streams of Living Water
Evangelicals on the Canterbury Trail
Open Mind, Open Heart
This works for me. Even thinking of it without picking it up works. But it requires doing the exercises, not just reading it. Those exercises can be difficult, but worth it.
It’s fairly old school, but there is an office down the street shared by a few youthful therapists. That book is prominently displayed on the shelf in the waiting room.
Get out of your head. Buy this book: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I've been going to counseling for several years and been through several therapists. It's hard to find a good fit. It should be a good balance of you talking about your everyday and long term problems and your therapist offering ideas and solutions to them.
I also see a psychiatrist as therapists can't prescribe medication. I take Xanax for panic attacks and have GAD. I'm currently on my 4th doctor as well. They should be trying different medications if you're having undesirable side effects. A lot of them should be stopped gradually.
And while I understand about not wanting to be on medication some people need it. When functioning on a day to day basis becomes too difficult it becomes harder to treat your problems at the source. Especially if you are just struggling to get through your day one hour at a time.
Please don't give up on your behavior professionals. Keep searching until you find a good one and they can recommend others.
I don't know how much you like reading but even before my first counseling appointment they suggested a book which helped me quite a lot. Relaxation and Stress reduction workbook and since then I found Feeling Good Just do yourself a favor if you do decide to buy them and not get workbooks on your Kindle. Much easier to copy pages than print screenshots.
Hope it helps and best of luck to you :)
that blows, at least it's anonymous and free. you can filter listeners when searching too based on issue.
beyond that, maybe you'd rather read a book; http://amzn.com/0380810336 and/or http://amzn.com/1626252157
I read those and they were pretty helpful
In most studies I've seen, cognitive therapy is, at a minimum, as effective as medication for treating anxiety and depression. Check out the book Feeling Good. It is a great self help book that can teach you many effective methods of treating yourself.
I'd also recommend a psychotherapist vs a psychologist because it's geared more towards therapy.
edit: I'm currently in psychotherapy for anxiety and depression.
I feel you! I was on meds for depression/anxiety for about 10 years. Last year I went off those meds (the ones I was on weren't working and I thought I'd give it a shot). I recently went through a breakup after a 2 year relationship and am realizing that, although I couldn't remember being better on meds, I was in a state similar to the one you describe. The breakup would be an obvious trigger for depression, but I got into therapy soon after it happened and my therapist recommended 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' ( http://amzn.com/0380810336 ) and it has enlightened me to many things that have allowed me to be in control of my moods and prevent the sadness from turning into depression.
That being said, I'm still dealing with a lack of motivation/focus at the moment. I should also note that I have ADD as well and your guess is as good as mine as to whether that's the cause or not. I still take meds for ADD and have an appointment soon to reevaluate their effectiveness.
My advice is to get the book (it's like $5 right now!), get into therapy if possible, and use your judgement from there.
Hope that helps and good luck!
Here is the mobile version of your link
Is this the book? http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0380810336/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1427550689&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=feeling+good&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51J63BD84pL&amp;ref=plSrch
The people who love you would not be happier if you were gone. They love you! They would miss you and be sad, feel guilty, get upset.
It's good that you recognize that suicide isn't the answer and are taking steps to get help. You go, girl! Definitely get a therapist, and have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It's specifically helpful for interrupting repetitive thoughts like this. The main book is Feeling Good, I've friends who found it very helpful.
Good luck! Hang in there! Lots of people have this problem, there is help available. You're not alone.
Ah, you should have phrased it that way. "How to feel less cynical" is way different than "how to be nice." In that case, a lot of people have had success with this book and mindfulness/CBT in general.
If you are really anti-medication, then look into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR). Both are counseling techniques that are clinically proven to be effective against depression. Regular exercise (ideally at least 30 minutes most days of the week) is also clinically proven to be effective for depression. You might find that to be enough and you may decide that you don't want medication. If not, you'll still have medications as an option.
There are various physical problems that can manifest as depression. You may want to talk to your doctor about those just to rule those out.
Here are a couple good books that explain the counseling techniques listed above.
If one of those techniques appeals to you more than the other, be sure to ask the therapist you choose if that's part of their practice.
Keep in mind what you want when looking for a practitioner. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have taken some counseling classes. They are going to strongly prefer medication. Psychologists are completely different. They have a doctorate in psychology and are very good at talk therapy. They can't write prescriptions but can refer you for that if needed. Some work in a practice with a psychiatrist so this referral may be pretty simple. Social workers may not have as much formal education as a psychologist when it comes to talk therapy, but they tend to be cheaper and they also tend to have a lot of good practical experience. They're the best choice if you want practical advice from someone who has probably seen just about everything.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
First off, She sounds like a wonderful woman. I would work on getting this in check before it ruins your relationship.
Your post sounds like something I could have written. I have been in a relationship for a little over 2 years now (just got married a month ago, 2nd marriage). I had the same issues you did and I nearly lost her. It's still a problem I have to face on occasion but I know how to handle it better now.
I was always questioning things she did, twisting what she would say, thinking she was cheating, quizing her on her past relationships. It was exhausting for both of us to say the least. For the most part I know how to keep it in check now.
There's a book called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. There's a lot of useful information but what has helped me the most is a section that has you identify your unreasonable thought. It may or may not work for you, but it really helped me.
You section off a sheet of paper and identify the unreasonable thought. He has a list of different groups that the unreasonable thought falls into. Then following the group it falls into, you write the reasons that make it unreasonable.
Often with things like worrying about her cheating you always think the worst case scenario. You think she's an expert at hiding things and there's all kinds of what ifs. When you break it down, you'll realize it's really just irrational thinking.
One other tip, if you do get the book, he says it as well, make sure you actually do the exercise on a piece of paper. Don't try and do it in your head. I don't know what it is, but it just doesn't work unless you write it down.
I hope this helps, sorry for all the rambling. Send me a pm if I can help at all because as I said, what you wrote above described me to a T.
I'd recommend picking up a copy of this book:
If you know psychology, then you may be familiar with these techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy. The author argues that your mood follows your thoughts, and that there are certain patterns of distorted reasoning that reliably produce negative moods. The book helps you identify these thought patterns and prevent them from becoming habitual and automatic. These techniques have been shown to have positive and lasting effects on mood. It's less than ten bucks too :) I think that the techniques work, and my negative moods typically persist only for as long as it takes me to remember what I've learned (which can take some time, I still need more practice.)
People have given you some good advice. In the meantime, this book may help you with your depression. It's under $10. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
>Does Buddhism have any answers in terms of commitment and consistency?
No. Buddhism is about ending suffering.
I think you'd benefit from finding a good counselor. Many colleges have free counseling programs. If you don't find those counselors effective they can refer you to someone who will be a better fit.
This is a counselor in a book http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1369015540&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=burns
Doing the book and working with a person is more effective than one by itself.
Here are two books that you can use to teach yourself on these therapies:
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Feeling Good by David Burns is one of the classic CBT books written for the layperson. The language can be a little dated, but it's a pretty good resource. If you're seriously thinking of using CBT with clients, however, I'd recommend biting the bullet and paying for a real treatment manual. Professional resources are expensive, but you want to make sure that you have a complete understanding of the material before you use it on clients.
Jeg vil gjerne få anbefale deg denne boken: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
Det er en veldig god bok, les gjerne beskrivelsen.
Har den på digitalt format om du vil lese den, send pm.
hey you should check out this Feeling Good by David Burns. It really helped me with dealing with negative thinking and low self-worth. Give it a try.
I'd start with this: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425566676&amp;sr=8-8&amp;keywords=cognitive+behavioral+therapy
This book has helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425600794&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=self+esteem but it may or may not be of use to you.
Once you know how your mind works, it's easier to work around it. It doesn't matter if you had abuse or not, what's important is now and how you can fix it.
As others have said, meditate in order to be able to adapt to whatever your mind throws at you, then you can try psychedelics.
Dopamine is lovely stuff. Your brain is rewarding you for these actions... but like any addiction, you can never be satiated.
A couple of gentle suggestions that could be helpful:
This was recommended to me by my therapist many years ago. I ignore his advice for about 10 years. I recently picked it up and found it helpful.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy -- There's a workbook as well, but I don't have that, so I don't know how useful it might be.
I hope you found something to help you with your struggles.
Read this. The best 8 bucks I've spent to help me out of anxiety and depression. It uses logical reasoning to help you with your mindset.
I would say that you really need to focus on when you use "negative" talk.
Focus on what it is, realize that when you use negative talk, you are over-emphasizing whatever it is you are feeling bad about, and then correct it with a positive statement. I think the really important thing is to write this shit down, otherwise you just turn your wheels in your head.
Google "David Burns Work Sheets" for some good cognitive therapy related stuff that will really make you think, this is of course if you have a basic understanding of what cognitive therapy is, if you read at least 25% of the book i suggested or something like it.
Generally, you find a therapist specializing in it. Ask a potential therapist not only if they specialize in CBT, but also if they are experienced working with individuals with bipolar disorder. And most importantly, find someone you are comfortable with. If you feel uneasy or unwilling to discuss a lot of your concerns with your therapist, it's time to move on. It can be frustrating jumping around in search of the right therapist, but once you find someone you are comfortable with you can begin making huge progress.
Check out this book. Best purchase under ten bucks, it is essentially a self-help guide to CBT.
There's a book that helped me. You may find it in the library. This is what it looks like. Hundreds of reviews here. It was recommended to me by my therapist. It's jargon-free, and an "easy read".
Give yourself a chance. Good luck.
I know, and here I am trying to fix it. :-) Most likely to avoid my own anxiety...
Have you considered something like this book "Mind Over Mood"? I know others like the book "Feeling Good" as well, but feedback tends to be that the first one is more focused, which is what I need when anxiety is ripping me apart.
It is a strain. It just is. I hope you can feel that someone out here cares, though, because I do.
Sorry you're not feeling well, samtheshamandpharohs.
Seasonal Affective Disorder most often strikes in the winter, but symptoms are known to manifest in summer, too. The Mayo Clinic has some basic info on it here, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness has some info here.
I have SAD, but I get two depressive episodes a year - one in winter and then a second episode in summer. Bonus depression! Just what everyone wishes for! After about a decade of yearly rollercoasters, I finally got treatment. Talk therapy helps, but taking Wellbutrin has made a massive difference.
Since you write that you're paying off a bachelor's degree and are struggling financially, I'm going to guess that you don't have access to a university counselling center. You can try contacting your local chapter of NAMI to see if they have any information on local providers who offer sliding scale fees.
Winter Blues by Norman Rosenthal is a pretty well-respected book. That one, and the classic Feeling Good by David Burns were and continue to be super helpful for me.
Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.
btw, love Hyperbole and a Half
Can't recommend this book enough: Feeling Good
Dr. Burns developed a whole new branch of therapy called Cognitive Therapy. You can find groups on Reddit discussing it. It comes highly recommended by other psychiatrists and clinicians.
It works. It's free. Get the book and follow the scheduled practices! The basic premise is that your moods effect your behavior and (lack of) activity. But those moods are actually rooted in the thoughts you choose to entertain, hence the title "cognitive therapy". It's a rerouting of your thought patterns about certain events, so that you create new patterns of thinking which in turn effect your moods and emotions. Thus, thought --> emotion --> activity/productivity.
I used this (and still refer to it) in grad school when I was completely and utterly at a loss for getting anything done. This book is all about managing your time and your thoughts. It feels good when you can check things off your lists. And feeling good itself starts to feel good.
I started off with Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy since I have a history of depression... the principles are solid, and it's something I continue to work on every day. It would be silly to expect decades of negative reinforcement to be rewired instantly.
The Power of Now
The Power of Habit
And this is one I haven't got yet but it's next on my list: Paddle Your Own Canoe because Nick Offerman is a BAMF.
I have not read, but a therapist recommended this to me once.
Can you order this book and do the exercises? http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
It's basically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). You might be able to stabilize yourself by reading this book and doing the exercises until you can get some professional help.
Also, try some basic meditation: http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/363.html
This is a 15-minute guided meditation. Very relaxing.
This is by far the most used, and in my opinion best, book on CBT. It covers all of the techniques and gives a lot of case studies. It gives examples for depression, anxiety, and anger.
Try reading Feeling Good. It worked well enough for me, much moreso than pills ever did.
I don't know that I'd have enough to say on the topic to justify an AMA but I can tell you some books that I've found beneficial to my personal growth. Most aren't specific to self-hypnosis, learning that mostly came as a byproduct of my training, but they all contributed to my philosophies and daily practice (which I should mention is VERY informal for the most part).
I'd say the most important thing is to first learn what hypnosis really is because all hypnosis is really self-hypnosis. A hypnotist merely guides a person into the state. For that I'd recommend, The Professional Hypnotism Manual by John Kappas.
As I said in my earlier post, a lot of what I personally do is very informally based on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). CBT, in a nutshell, functions on the premise that changing your thoughts changes your behaviors. The best book I can think of for a lay person on that topic is Feeling Good By David M. Burns MD
Finally, I'd highly recommend learning the "Mental Bank" concept. There is a 2hr video on the subject and I'd suggest grabbing the book as well. (Interesting side note: They filmed that video the day I took the class on the Mental Bank. So, I'm somewhere in that crowd, though I'm not saying where. ;))
Hey there is a book out there that may really help:
Get the paperback or the audiobook. It's available at most libraries too. It will really make a difference. Good luck chuck.
You don't say what dose of mushroom you were taking each time. Microdosing twice a day 3 days in a row is way too much even at a small dose. Look here and learn how to microdose
Two books that are very popular
There's people with this qualification that are happy and thriving and there's people with this qualification that are so unhappy they want to kill themselves. You're doing yourself a disservice by thinking that it should make you happy, that type of thinking is a trap.
If you're genuinely interested in some self evaluation and strategies for dealing with this type of thinking it's part of cognitive behavioural therapy.
This is an excellent primer written for the layperson.
Ich kann dieses Buch ernsthaft empfehlen: https://www.amazon.de/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/
Melanie Joy has a great talk on avoiding compassion fatigue as an activist. If you're struggling with mental health issues the best thing you can do to keep helping animals in the long run is to take care of yourself by seeing a therapist, getting a self help book that is proven to work, and by finding a supportive community of like minded people.
See a therapist for some cognitive behavior training. You can get some great tools that will help you throughout you life. It is so worth it. Middle school and college counselor are great resources or you can look for services provided by public or private organizations.
Great book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Please go read this right now! Seriously! It costs like eight bucks, and it'll help like crazy. I've read it cover to cover three times, and it totally took me out of the state you are in when I was in that state.
If you don't have an amazon account, you can probably get it at large bookstore or maybe even your library. Please hang in there, your feelings WILL pass eventually, and there ARE ways that you can work things out without killing yourself.
Depression isn't always sadness though. I just don't feel like anything for an afternoon or so. Not hunger, not thirst, not any emotion whatsoever. Like when I was little I was a hyperactive kid. ALWAYS smiling and laughing and doing karate in the store and just active. The only time I was ever mopey or sad was when I was sick. Two year old me would just lay on the ground like a beat dog with a frown on my face. That's pretty much how my down days are except I'm bigger. Like I'm sick or something.
I forgot what my point was. I think I was gonna recommend a book lol
Feeling Good is a good book to check out even if you're not depressed. It helps with low self esteem and really all kinds of mood issues. It also has a pretty decent test for depression that isn't strictly about being sad. Helps me out when I'm in a jam.
I have social anxiety too. I was advised to read this book. Unfortunately it was hard to read for me, mostly because english is my second language but also because I got bored with it. Anyway, there are books about it and there are people specialized in it. It seems efficient.
I've read this cognitive behavioral therapy, and there was some pretty good stuff in it.
Before taking therapy again, I feel lots of people tend to let others make them better before helping themselves. This makes you feel independent, and makes it difficult to get out of your negative cycle. I would suggest reading this book. It helped me to put things in perspective and recognize my destructive behaviour. Also comes with real and useful tips to better the quality of your life.
You need a book. This one. It helped change my attitudes, and my way of thinking.
Let go. If you are always looking back while you're moving forward, you are certain to fall.
I'm going to throw a few things out there.
I recommend therapy. It's much easier to go through CBT with someone helping you along than trying to do it all by yourself.
That being said, here is a book if you want to go that route.
As someone who's also struggling to change some long ingrained patterns, cognitive behavioral therapy has worked wonders. It's hard, you have to be honest with yourself, and it takes a long time, but it works. I'd recommend starting with this book from your local library.
My therapist recommended Feeling Good to me, I'm currently reading it and I've found it has some good advice and ideas. Generally, I've been improving myself and feeling better during the period of reading it. (not all of the examples are perfect though)
A book that could help you with your depression is Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. In the last year I've had two therapists (marital before my divorce and currently a personal one), they both love it an recommend it. I think it's worth a shot, it's cheap :).
It is something you can do at home but it REALLY REALLY helps to have someone who can counsel you through it for a while and act as an anchor (maintenance appointments) to keep you in balance.
Book i'd suggest: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 This is basically my Bible, that my therapist assigned me when I first started. I check it every other week or so to remind myself where I was and to keep in check.
Edit: There will never be a time where you're just magically mindful and it keeps going on it's own. It's just like exercise, you have to keep at it consistently and persevere when you're not really up to it. That's what separates winners from losers, after all; grit.
If you can master your mind you can pretty much do anything. Corny as it is, we have more than enough historical proof what someone at the right place and time can do with an indomitable will. Just don't kill any minorities, ok? :)
Can't tell if trolling, if not, try this book:
It certainly has made me feel a whole lot better, validation is a wonderful thing.
I'm not a professional. However, in my opinion you have textbook case of severe depression. Have a look at /r/Depression. Not that there's any easy help, but most people find solace in realizing they're not alone.
I'd highly recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. It also includes a scale for depression and I'm guessing you're scoring high. (Feeling worthless, motivating yourself to do anything is hard, sucidal...). You can cough, cough find it as a pdf on the internet if you're not able to get your hands on a physical copy.
Do me, and yourself, a favor and read the book. You have little to lose and much to gain. There are ways of dealing with this.
This goes without saying, but obiviously, anyone with sucidal thoughts should seek professional help immediately and not simply rely on a book.
We're I you, OP, I would print out what this poster said and tape it to a mirror. I have a few tidbits to add:
> There are definitely times I am too hard on myself, so I hear you.
A book that really helped me with being too hard on myself is "Feeling good". Especially since there are a lot of exercises the book goes through which you can practice and apply to situations you deal with.
I wrote about how it help me more in depth in another thread here.
Seriously, get the book then. It's here - https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 - and your library may have a copy for free.
Who in your life can you talk with? Friend, family?
I'm really sorry things seem so shitty.
Friends. My future in being a living, thriving person that has a stable job. If you do find yourself with a revolver to your head or a noose just hanging in your room, try to convince yourself to not. if you do though try to think about any good times in your life . I just found out that this is a good book for depression https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I'd say you first need to understand that there's no quick fix. It's something you'll need to work at consistently but just start with small things everyday to begin with. Whether that's eating a little healthier, taking a 5-10 minute walk when you have some free time, maybe looking into meditation. Journaling your thoughts would also be a good start. There are many ways to tackle it so you'll have to find what works best for you.
I'd tell your counselor just what you've said in this post. Explain your situation, what your feelings are, and they'll walk you through it from there. Good counselors know how to ask productive questions, allowing them to give useful advice, provide compassion, so on.
Also, all-or-nothing thinking is something you'll want to avoid. Saying your life would be ruined if you didn't do well in school is a false cognition, that's putting a lot of pressure on yourself. If you're open to self help books I'd strongly recommend this one.
Just know that you can get through this. Again it takes consistent effort but it's completely doable. Do what you can to not put pressure on yourself regarding school, talk to someone, and look into building healthy daily habits. You can do this.
I've been using this book https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 to help with depression/anxiety.
CBT is the best way to deal with anxiety. Check out the book Feeling Good. For people with typical anxiety, this book helps a lot. If your anxiety is above and beyond the normal, then I'd go see a therapist who specializes in CBT.
action begets motivation. if you can, you should read Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's really good.
Awesome, its incredible to hear that a work of art inspired you to continue living. You should share your experience with the devs at bioware.
Alos, now that you have some clarity please seek out help for your depression. Depression is a normal case of "the blues" and needs to be taken on aggressively like the lethal illness, and leading cause of teenage death it is.
AT the very least I would buy This Book
It was the first thing I came across about Cognitive Behavior Therapy and even today its sticks close to me. Its a popular book and chances are good your local library even has a copy.
Depression is caused by a dysfunction of the brain and thought patters that support it. Depression is not "you" is it something alien to yourself that can be beaten and dealt with. Depression can be triggered by periods of sadness, the confusion of building an ego as a teenager, and life events, but depression is not at all "normal." You also don't just snap out of it.
The book is a great start and if you are 16 you likely are on your parents health plan. See if you can get therapy. And its ok if you have to go through a couple therapists to find one that works well for you.
Life is a wonderful thing and there will be lots of great works of art like Dragon Age 3 you would miss out on if you check out early. Hang in there and find some help with the clarity you have found before the depression monster comes back to bite you again. That way when he comes back you will be armed and ready to fight him off and get back to living life.
Read this book. No really, it helps.
Stop using the word "should" its self defeating. I should be this. Or should be more of a man. etc. it just fucks u up. Read the book, Feeling Good by Dr David Burns. Awesome book and will help with procrastination too. https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
Is this the book you are referring to?
Well, your mind doesn't exist until it experiences thought, so you can retrain those desires by allowing certain thoughts to thrive and debunking the ones that make you unhappy. That is the basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you are interested, this is a very good introduction to that technique.
There is a book called Feeling Good by David D Burns. It's an older book, but one of the best out there for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Not all chapters will be relevant to the issue, but there are a lot of good exercises in the book for when you're stressing over it. I do a modified version of one of the techniques where I write down my "hot thoughts" or automatic thoughts, and then my "cool thoughts" which are the more rational truths to the situation.
So if you're thinking "Our relationship is spoiled because he was with another woman" you can sit down and write out things like, "That's not true, many relationships go through all kinds of rough patches and it doesn't mean they're spoiled." "We're both doing a lot of work to make sure we're honest and open with each other." etc etc
Do you like reading books? If yes Feeling Good book is worth a read https://www.amazon.in/Feeling-GooD-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I highly recommend this book, the quintessential CBT book by David Burns, first published in 1980, but this is a 2008 reprint. Honestly even for the non-depressed it is an interesting read full of useful insights and advice.
Sorry to hear that man. I want to be clear before I say more that I am no person who should be officially diagnosing anyone. I've speculated about the woman in the story, but she shouldn't make health decisions because of what anonymous internet dude is saying. Just to be clear. I've done a lot of reading, and some experiencing, and I'm happy to pass on what I know. But I am not that kind of doctor :)
That said, yeah, that's something that's somewhat common from what I've read. And I think I was probably doing it a bit before I was diagnosed. I knew I was struggling with some things, but I wasn't thinking clinical depression at all. I can't say if I was denying, because it didn't come up in so many words. But I wasn't thinking "hey, maybe I'm depressed." And I'm fairly convinced a male relative of mine was depressed, and he denied it when several people would bring it up. His manifested as anger, which happens in men sometimes, and he just chalked it up to 'things pissing him off these days'. But there were behavioral issues he just wouldn't see that the rest of us did.
So I don't know if it's an official separate 'condition', depression denial--it's googleable, and there are sites that pop up right away with a search for 'depression denial'. There's this one, for example. But I can't speak to the authority of that website. My take is that, being a mental health issue, and those having a stigma attached to them, it makes sense in a way that you wouldn't want to be diagnosed with it, right? If you're already feeling that bad, having it confirmed that you have one of those conditions that people are supposed to whisper about would be worse.
For me, once I was sat down and told "you're suffering from major depression" by a doctor...I'd already spent about 10 minutes that morning standing at the closet staring at my shirts unable to pick one to wear. And I had just shrugged when my wife said later "Okay, we're going to the ER." Okay, whatever. So it was sorta obvious even to me when the doc said it :)
The book that was recommended to me by one of my initial psych doctors is called "Feeling Good", which sounds very self-helpy but is research-based and actually helped me. That book has some checklists and symptom lists, evaluation tools for you to keep referring to, to help you figure out how your depression is coming along, whether it's better or worse, are you still depressed, etc.
I don't know what to say about how to talk to her about it, that's too complicated. But those lists might help you get a better idea yourself of how she's doing.
Good luck man. I don't know if I can help any more (and I'll be out of the internet for a week coming up here), but let me know if you have any other questions. I'll do my best to say what I know, and what I don't :)
You can actually do CBT and REBT yourself, without a therapist (that's not to say you shouldn't see one anyway).
I'm reading this and it's helping. This one comes recommended, too, albeit I didn't take to it. Just look up CBT in Amazon and browse until you find a book that looks like it might work for you - be warned, you may need to browse around to find one that works for you...
I was in denial for a very long time about the things/events affected me. I always thought I could tough it out and endure everything till it went away. I never wanted to admit the fact that I got hurt from such events.
I also had a terrible psychologist who i found out was only an intern through http://www.networktherapy.com/directory/find_therapist.asp then I used that site to get a better psychologist. You need a psychologist that fits you, its different with everyone. My psychologist pretty much broke me down until I cried lol but I felt a lot better afterwards.
But ultimately I found out my root of depression from reading multiple self-help books and then narrowing it down.
I started with this book that my psychologist gave me. It really helped me define and pinpoint what exactly i was feeling and why:
I knew my parents were the general cause of my depression so I searched on Amazon.com and found a great book called "Toxic Parents". It really helped me understand why my parents are the way they are. From that book it found out that it was generally my mom who was the problem because she was emotionally manipulative, then I found a book called "Emotional Blackmail" in the related searches from Amazon. That book helped me the most.
But ultimately, keep searching within yourself. The more it hurts or makes you angry, the closer you are. It felt very humiliating to me at first because I thought I was becoming a weak pussy, but then I realized that everyone is insecure and has weakness. When you admit you have a weakness you feel vulnerable, but being vulnerable is the only way you can understand yourself and become intimate.
Theres a GREAT ted.com talk about this, I highly recommend it:
Try journaling about it. Write about how memories/events made you FEEL. Ask why you feel that way.
I thought doing a journal was useless, as well as doing stupid worksheets in the "Feeling Good" book. It really doesnt seem like it'll help, so i was very reluctant about it so my psychologist pretty much FORCED me to do it and i realized it helped a lot.
The main reason why writing things down helps is because it gives you objectivity and perspective that you can't get when you just have things up in your head.
Be patient, you won't fix this overnight. Its also a painful journey, but you really do become stronger. Feel free to vent or message me! Or ask me anything! Don't worry about asking me personal things because I really don't care as long as your not my employer and can get me fired lol
This is also the best advice I can give you without asking anything about you and why you feel the way you do. I think I can help you figure out your root of depression if you give me some hints. But don't feel pressured to answer unless you feel comfortable about it!
I wish you the best of luck! I'll try my best to respond asap!
+1 to "sounds like the meds need to be updated"
You sound really depressed. To be blunt (but also not an expert or anything) this is passive suicidal ideation, and not something to ignore.
It seems like you're familiar with depression from your past struggles, so you can tell the doc if you notice new features. Definitely mention you are kind of blah on existence!
I'm glad you still have perspective, and I hope you can feel better sooner rather than later. If you can swing it, there's a pretty good cheap book on CBT. It goes through how to notice and counteract negative thoughts that depression will constantly harass you with: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
Good luck and give it hell! Hit me up if you like; I've been wrestling this stuff for forever.
Been there including hospitalization for depression. The trick that worked for me was to find good distractions to get my mind off of negative ruminating and just better thinking in general (more below). Video games, a significant other, biking, and alcohol worked (until recently for alcohol). For the last decade I have been depression free and mostly happy.
Have you looked into CBT? If you cannot afford or don't want to see a therapist this is a great way to start feeling better right away! https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
However, in addition to getting enough sleep, exercising a little bit, and some cognitive therapy, it's possible to get through, just takes time!
Also a really good book to help with understanding the ol' brain (and specifically working through depression):
I agree with other commentators, this may be (in my non-medical opinion) mild to moderate depression. (Again, this is just an idea, diagnosing people over the internet with little information is not entirely ethical). I would like to suggest to other posters that depressive disorders are somewhat diverse.
Depending on your personal and financial situation, I cannot recommend seeing a psychologist enough, as I have been in this same situation. Whether you come from a background of hard science or spirituality, I would urge folks to see therapists/psychologists as a teacher that can help you understand what what is real, and how to have a good relationship with your thoughts/feelings.
I would like to suggest a few books that I have found to be personally helpful in this regard:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), very good read which outlines how your mind, Buddhists might call it the ego, creates a fake reality in a depressed state, and methods to counteract it:
Burns, David Feeling Good
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a different but similar approach to dealing with challenging thoughts/feelings, borrows a lot from Buddhism. Main idea is to be aware of thoughts and feelings as occurring, and not good or bad (and not "you"). To accept thoughts and feelings, not as reality but just as thoughts or feelings, and to take action towards something you value:
Harris, Russ The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living
If you're on a little, or big, Buddhist kick, I'd recommend the writings of Zen Master Seung Sahn. This particular book takes his bright and connectable style, and examines a variety of Buddhist traditions to see how they alleviate dukkha/suffering/stress/etc. in different ways:
Seung Sahn The Compass of Zen
Please do check out these books and post questions if you have them. If you are interested in finding a psychologist, and it is something that takes personal buy-in, I would suggest taking a look at Psychology Today or on your insurance company's website, if you're American.
Have a great night! =D
Read this book:
The techniques used in this book will teach you with coping mechanisms, it will teach you to differentiate between unhealthy and healthy thought processes. It will give you "homework" assignments, things to do when you are feeling down or depressed.
It's an amazing book.
But again, this is me and this is what I do when I reach my emotional breakdown. I spend a good 20 years of my life reading about psychology and philosophy. So, my mind instantly seeks out "understanding" and "knowledge" when I run into a problem. Recently I am also getting into sociology and meditation. The mind is an incredible thing and we only know so little of it.
Try reading David D. Burns' book, "Feeling Good". It's essentially a handbook of CBT exercises that you can use for self-therapy. This was my first foray into CBT and I was shocked at how helpful it was. I would also recommend hearing his TED talk from a couple of years ago - really powerful stuff.
I also want to say that I went through three different therapists before finding someone who was right for me. They were all competent professionals, but everybody has their own style/personality and that inadvertently affects how they communicate with patients. It's very possible that a different therapist could work better for you.
Someone recommended this book here, and I found it really helpful:
Give the first few chapters a try, seriously.
I second the Schopenhauer.
And juuuust in case you're interested, Feeling Good by David Burns is an excellent self-help book for depression and anxiety. There are thousands of self-help books of varying quality out there, but I recommend this one in particular because (1) it is based entirely on scientifically validated ideas and techniques, and (2) reading this particular book has been shown to be as effective as antidepressants and other typical treatments for depression (study abstract).
Something that might help also is CBT. I use this book sometimes. https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
You can probably find a pdf of it online.
I don't want to scare you but this could take a lot longer than you'd like to think. Especially if you used to try to cover up the depression & anxiety to begin with.
I'm on day 39 right now and it really peaked after 3-4 weeks. Week 6 right now is being easier on me. This is a journey and you have to go back to remembering why you're doing this. This process could take you up to 2-3 years.
A helpful study I went back to (this is my 3rd time) was one out of Sweden found here:http://droginfo.com/pdf/guideuk.pdf
A guide to quitting
Marijuana and Hashish
Drug Addiction Treatment Centre
Lund University Hospital
Understand that you can't rush this. You have a lot of work to do but you're worth it in the end. Another helpful item for me was to work through at least a few pages a night was Feeling Good (https://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336). It's been the best 10$ I spent throughout this whole experience. Also eat only clean foods. Rice (a ton of it everyday) was good for me. It could take a week or two until your eating gets a bit better....it's all just a bunch of small steps.
The reason it could take a while is because you should accept that you could go through PAWS after the first month. One day at a time. Write a journal. After a while go back a week or two and reread what you wrote. You'll see that progress!
Best of luck man!
Edit: just touching on the book... do the activities. Keep a weekly log of your BDC score! It shows progress even if you are going through a shit day. Mine went 29,23,20,16,14,12,11. The activities are helpful. Never give up!
Since you like to read, pick up the book, "feeling good, the new mood therapy" by David Burns. My therapist would not prescribe meds until I read it and after reading it, i truly no longer needed them. link on Amazon
I can't really endorse this book personally, but there's some medical research that suggests a majority of people who read it and do the exercises for a month see real improvement: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
It depends where you're from and how your health care is oriented but generally for stuff like this I would recommend a psychotherapist.
In my experience I find a psychiatrist prescribes western pharmaceuticals which assist you and alleviate symptoms, but they don't handle the root of the issues. Likewise a psychologist will, in this day and age, probably heavily lean on cognitive behavioural therapy (for good reason since it shows consistent empirical proof of its efficacy for a lot of stuff) and this will aid you from refraining from negative thought loops, doomed thinking and a general, more rational self-image and perception of the world.
However, with both practices I felt we weren't adressing a main issue. It felt we were busy with the outer layer, a manifestation of something much deeper which was amiss. I found a great psychotherapist with her own practise (simply with Google XD ) who has her own practise for exactly that reason: to deliver qualitatively psychological care adjusted to the specific person in need. Though of course it's great a society has mass institutions to provide mental health care, due to insurance policies, government cutbacks and just the bureaucracy, these institutions can only give a boiled down, basic mental care which isn't always effective, especially for these nuanced cases. Especially since a lot of troubled people become psychologists!!! Sometimes there also work a lot of young people for they are cheaper. I figured older people with a lot of life experience are of more use to me than someone my own age!
Mental health care is just starting to phantom the consequences of invisible mental abuse parents are inflicting unknowingly on their children, for so much of it is uncunscious and already starts with interaction when children are babies. Also because it takes a sensitive human to even perceive all the subtleties and nuances of human communication so it is of no surprise the more striking physical abuse got the most attention.
I'm getting quite lengthy in this post so to answer your question: I would primarily visit a psychotherapist. However it's very important to note that just as you have good and bad dentists, gentle and rough dentists, fast and slow dentists etc. the same goes for psychotherapists. Find one which suits you. Just follow your own intuition. Your own mind and body will heal you. I thought this was some mumbo jumbo, but they really do. They will always point you in the right direction and always give you feedback. But a thorough mental health track will hasten your recovery.
Again, in short my advice which is working for me: eat really healthy, sport 3 times a week, try to 'move' (walk 20 minutes or something) every day, meditate daily for at least 20 minutes, read the cognitive behavioural therapy bible 'Feeling Good' http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 (especially if you have some discipline, saves a lot of time visiting a psychologist who specialises in cognitive behavioral therapy, perhaps start a micro dosing 0,2 grams of magic mushrooms every third day, trip on lsd or mushrooms when you feel you need it (in my case few times a yesr) (from what I'm reading is that mushrooms are more effective than lsd for self therapy but I have to experience lsd first before I can give my own take on it), if you trip on mushrooms; not too much because they're are quite taxing on the brain and mind and you want to incorporate insights into your life as much as possible to get the most out of the next trip. Also look into ayahuasca. I hear and read it does wonders. And read up on this shit!!! XD Upbringing, projection, emotional neglect... it influenced your life in unphantamoble ways. The more you learn how and why, the better.
But! Everything will get better slowly, from now on :)
I really identify with what you wrote, and I feel like two things that have helped me might help you and anyone else who reads this:
Read this book.
If you want to get "better" then you have to be willing to invest the time and effort to work on yourself. Also, taking a break from cannabis is a very good idea. I think that those "professionals" did a very bad thing by trying to tell you that your cannabis use is the sole root cause of your issues, but I do think they're right in advising you to take a break from it. Best of luck from someone who's been in the exact same place that you are right now.
First off, I take the same medicine (zonisomide) and get the same feelings you do. Look into seeing a psychologist in addition to your neurologist. They can do wonders in helping guide you through this.
Second, I highly recommend reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336. You can find it online if you look. It's not a 'self-help' book. Rather, it's a book by a psychologist discussing 'cognitive therapy' which has been shown to be as effective as antidepressants. The idea is to understand that your negative, distorted thoughts are causing you to feel bad. Most thoughts that cause people to be depressed are faulty and once you realize that, you'll realize the irrationality behind your depression.
For example, you are magnifying the negative things which you admit are normal, such as feeling lost in what you want to do for a career and disqualifying the positive things in your life, such as that you are in school, and are seizure free. These thoughts take away from true non-distorted feelings of sadness a human should have (you have a real illness, epilepsy, that you need to deal with-- but there are ways to manage it and you it sounds like you are responsibly with medicine). You're also falling into the classic distorted thought of 'I should be doing X right now...'. When the reality of your own behavior falls short of your own standards, your 'I should' thought creates self-loathing, shame, and guilt. You need to change your expectations because it is all-to-human that your behavior will fall short of your own standards from time to time throughout life. Anyway, the book is helpful in realizing these things. Read the reviews on Amazon. It could help you. Good luck.
You should read the self-esteem section in Feeling Good
I'm gonna get real with ya. It's clear that you're very down on yourself and depressed and you think it's gonna be impossible to get out of that hole on your own. Well, I'm here to help you.
Now I don't wanna seem like a shill or anything. But this book is clinically proven to treat depression and it's helped me and my mother a lot in our personal lives. It teaches you how to avoid/combat apathy and depression, and how to improve our thoughts with cognitive therapy. It teaches you how to not get down on yourself. It's not a magic bullet but it really does help a lot when you understand how depression works and why you are in this specific position, and that it is all about thoughts/feelings, and how to try to help yourself think positively and in patterns that make you, well, feel good.
The book is Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D.
I recommend that you read it and try your best to do some of the exercises. Feel free to PM me if you want to know more about it. I recommend this book to a lot of people because it made depression feel a lot less hopeless for me. It made me feel like I could stop beating myself up and focus on doing stuff I wanted instead.
In case it's more than just the blues, I found that this book was far more helful than any meds that I ever tried. Good luck banishing the beast.
on top of whatever you decide to do, consider cognitive behavioural therapy. Specifically this book on the subject.
So much of what you said is the same as myself. Though some I have managed to tone down to a degree.
One things that I'd like to share that helped me a lot, was attempting to drop perfectionism as a concept. It's flawed and completely self destructive.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns has a chapter on "Daring to be average" which was really insightful to me. Perfectionism is a trap - a desire that will never be sated, causing feel bad about whatever you do.
There is nothing wrong with average. You wouldn't expect someone else to be perfect, so why yourself? Your monetary value, your qualifications, your job, your achievements are not indicative of your worth. Perfectionism tells us otherwise. It is wrong.
I really recommend giving the book a read. Or even just that chapter.
you definitely should mention the anxiety problem to her, depression and anxiety frequently occur together and you need to treat both.
you didn't say if she put you on any meds or if she is treating you using CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), but both can be done in parallel. personally, I think CBT has the most potential since you will learn new skills for changing how you react to things. ask her about it.
and do your homework too, she can't fix this for you, she can offer guidance but you have to want to fix it. here's your homework:
reading - https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=R91KZD4QRJ8D3D5NQ2KE
podcast - (listen to these from the beginning) https://feelinggood.com/category/podcast/
take this stuff seriously and don't let your problems continue without successful treatment.
Ok, thank you. I'll go back and read your comments. So far I read the latest and will respond to your question asking my how a 9 year old could be oppressed by a demon.
First of all depression can be caused by a demon, but it also can be caused by a physical condition or emotional issues.
So first a depressed person needs to do what they can to take care of their basic physical needs ( fresh air, sun, hydration, shower daily, clean your home or get help cleaning, positive social interaction, exercise, physical contact with a loved one, proper nutrition, at least 6 hours of sleep, etc.) It's unlikely someone whose depressed can do all those things but neglecting these things can cause depression. So if you don't get enough sun, take vitamin d 3. If you have no social circle to support you, try doing volunteer work to be in a group environment that will likely be a positive experience. If you don't sleep well, try napping and ear plugs. Do anything you can to work around the issues in this arena because a doctor can't replace these things with a pill.
After making sure you cover the basics of self care as well as you can, get checked for any possible health problem that could cause symptoms if depression. Basically must health problems can cause symptoms or depression. Treat any health problems you have.
After you rule out a health problem and are sure you have your basic needs taken care of, you can then address it as possibly a mental illness. Modern medicine really doesn't understand the brain yet. There is no chemical imbalance or test to show depression is a mental illness only. Cognitive therapy seems to work faster than Freudian therapy in that it actually gives you tools to use immediately. At this point I'd recommend reading the cognitive therapy book . I recommended it to correct any irrational negative thinking habits which alone can cause depression like black and white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking. Also read the book beyond feelings: a guide to critical thinking. Without tools to think rationally, you will always be at risk of anxiety and depression. Also, find someone to talk to about your feelings to. Group therapy or one on one therapy would be ideal since family may not be understanding or educated about mental illness.
After doing all the above for six months or more you gage whether you are still depressed. If so, then there is a chance you are demonically oppressed. (If you are suicidal at any point, medication may be the quickest solution. It may just be enough to allow you to function well enough to do the things I outlined above. )
If it's demonic oppression, the only solution is to be a righteous Christian. IMO being a righteous Christian involves doing the following everyday:
• praying to Jesus
• bible reading
• verbally accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior
• verbally rebuking unclean spirits/demons/lucifer/Satan. Example: "By the Blood of Jesus Christ, I rebuke all demons and unclean spirits and command them to leave now and never return in this lifetime or in the afterlife." You always have to use the authority of Jesus Christ to do it.
• Verbally repenting for your sins and that of anyone in your bloodline all the way back to Adam and Eve
• verbally breaking curses against you and anyone in your bloodline all the way back to Adam and Eve
• blessing every door and window of your home every night with olive oil (from a bottle you only use for this purpose and regularly pray over to bless). Touch the doors and windows with a drop of oil like you are anointing them.
• remove all satanic symbols from the house that you can: fluer delise designs (devils flower), occult books and objects like oujie board, incense, tarot cards etc.
Different demons have different ranks so the higher ranked ones are harder to get rid of. As Jesus said in the Bible, some demons won't leave unless you do a water fast.
Avoid all activities when possible that lower your the critical faculties of your mind or brings you close to a trance like state. This opens a demonic gateway. Avoid the following activities that are used to deliberately channel demons and can do so even if it's not deliberate: drinking, meditation, chanting, hypnosis, yoga, drugs (pharmaceutical or street variety), chronic sleep deprivation, etc. demons attack people most often when they are falling asleep because their minds are half awake. This is commonly mislabeled as sleep paralysis or - less commonly- alien abduction. Its frequently just demons. Aliens are just demons.
If you ever encounter a demon, do not talk to it other than rebuking it in the name of Jesus Christ. This makes them disappear immediately. Demons are fallen angels which are much more powerful and intelligent than us. They are clairvoyant and can trick us easily. Demons will one day try to take our souls by posing as benevolent aliens during end times. The goal is to get our permission by conditioning us to worship science and technology through the media and to reject God and Christianity. They do this through the help of luciferian bloodlines that hold all the top positions of power around the world. That's what the illuminati is. It's a bunch of luciferians networking together and employing supernatural powers given to them by the demons they worship through pedophilia sex rituals and human sacrifice rituals. That's why there are a ton of sex ring scandals that don't lead to arrests when high ranking officials are involved. That's why priests were protected by the Catholic Church after being caught molesting children.
This brings us to your question. How can a 9 year-old be demonically oppressed or possessed?
I don't believe children are capable of sin until about age 7. But it is possible for children to be possessed. It's more and more common since the 70s which is when the amount of possessions started to explode according to Vatican exorcist priest father Malachi Martin. This is allegedly due to the aliester Crowley, L Ron Hubbard and timothy Leary opening major demonic gateways through books on black magic/satanism, LSD and Scientology ( Santeria for the rich?).
The Bible says we inherit the sins of our parents. This is one reason why a 9 year-old can be demonically oppressed or possessed. ** You can also be born into a family bloodline of incest or satanism. Both will demonize you early in life. I believe demons can be transferred through sex. I think this is why rape frequently leads to lifelong depression, anxiety and often suicidal ideation. This is particularly true of victims of pedophilia. This is also why luciferians use sex in rituals. Do children deserve it? Not in my mind. You accuse me of saying that they do. Why?
I'm so sorry that you are suffering and feel free to pick my brain if you have any questions. Try to be nice because I have feelings, too. I'll check if I missed any of your comments.
I learned to focus on what's in front of me rather than focusing on what could be or may have been. That's not to say I don't make plans, but rather that I actively engage with my life instead of ruminating on thoughts.
In many regards, this is one of the guiding principles of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and some schools of meditation.
Meditation itself doesn't always solve or even assist in solving psychological troubles. Oftentimes meditation can make psychological problems worse - meditation teaches a person the ability to focus on things without providing the wisdom or experience on where to focus that attention.
Pick up a book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It's primarily intended for chronic depression but lends itself exceptionally well to anxiety.
Wenn dich sonst nichts zaht ist das Buch auch mal ein guter Anfang. Aber ersetzt halt trotzdem eine Therapie
The cheapest ways could be getting sunshine, running and trying cognitive behavioral therapy.
For the CBT I would say torrent ( or buy ) this book.
I tried the CBT before my other suggestions, and it kinda helped, I feel better nowadays.
If you are not willing to see someone for some cognitive therapy, spend $10 and pick this up.
I know, I know "wtf? a self help book?" don't judge a book by its genre :)
Give it a try.
Just finished reading "Truth About Addiction and Recovery" (amazon link), and it was fantastic.
I'm 27, and (with the exception of a 2 year sober period) have abused alcohol pretty consistently since I was a teen. Not in the outlandish braggadocios way, I was just drunk a lot, and used it to escape -- social situations, romantic situations, painful situations, boredom, lack of substantial goals, and just as a time filler.
The book basically called out the whole 'Addiction is a Disease(tm)' mentality perpetuated by a lot of doctors, counselors and especially AA. They argue very effectively against the whole concept that 'ZOMG you have a disease, and are powerless against it, and will ALWAYS be an alcoholic!!'.
I can't summarize the book very effectively in a short post, but it has really changed my approach. Instead of constantly struggling in my head against the urge to drink, and having ample opportunities to overdrink, I fill the gaps in my life up with positive things that don't really tolerate overindulgence. A healthy life & support structure simply doesn't have room for substance abuse.
I still go out on weekends and have a few (sometimes more than a few), but I know I have to wake up in the morning to go hiking with friends, or work out at the gym. I'm slowly replacing 'normal fun = drunk' with 'normal fun = clearheaded'.
I'd also recommend 'Feeling Good' (amazon link), because it kind of sounds like you allow yourself to drift into depressive thoughts.
Anyway, good luck.
Absolutely, I'm glad found that helpful!
And since you mentioned suicide, I am morally obligated to point you toward suicide watch. I hope you never go through with it, but just incase I urge you to reach out for help there. Depression is very very hard to deal with but it's something you don't have to go through alone. There are plenty of people out there who will be happy to help you.
Also, if you want some reading material on treating depression, I strongly recommend (Feeling Good by David Burns)[http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1299185786&amp;sr=8-1] This is the only "self help" book that I'd ever recommend.
Anyways, best wishes buddy! Hope all goes well for you ;)
Read this book. It helped me through one of the worst periods of my life. Also, don't keep anything in; get it out there, if only to hear it yourself.
Just started reading this book:
It's sort of like a self-help guide for CBT. You can pick it up used for pennies on Amazon. I am only about 50 pages in so far, but I feel like I am really learning a lot.
A word of warning: As I began to actually do the exercises in the book, I found myself feeling more depressed at first! You probably don't realize just how many negative thoughts go through your head every day. When you attempt to notice all of them, it gets to be very overwhelming and discouraging. But just keep hanging in there, everything takes time, and we're all here to support each other.
Your topic says it all -- your stress levels seem really high, and given the number and severity of your stressors, that's not surprising. Anxiety can bleed over into all aspects of your life - sleep, sex, general health, mental health. My instinct is that if you can get your anxiety under control, other aspects of your life will follow. Take a look at this and this. I've been working with them over the past couple of weeks for anxiety issues and they're very helpful. Second the motion re: meditation/breathing exercises. Communicate with your SO about your anxiety - make sure she knows it's not her that's the problem! Let her in on the process and let her be part of your solution.
Direct quotes from their beginners guide:
"Work on your depression. Many sedditors have recommended Feeling Good by David D. Burns. There's also a reddit for that."
"Get fit. You don't have to be hot to meet and attract great women, but it definitely helps."
I was going to link things from their second guide - but there were really too many resources in there that provide self growth.
Search relationship in that subreddit and even in threads like this: "How do you act post sex when you don't want a relationship?" The comments suggest that the person be upfront with the woman BEFORE sex and to not mislead.
Even with the above there is still a lot of information that can be interpreted one way or another. The fact of the matter is that it really depends on how the person applies these principles. I believe the /r/seduction community does a good job in keeping people civil. I personally haven't seen someone suggesting the "douchebag" route as the best option, not to say there aren't or people don't joke about it. Just that this is reddit and the mentality is not to be a douchebag but to change yourself for the better.
> i ... have been thinking about suicide.
/u/ThrowawayPersonF's points about suicide are good points.
Have you thought about possibly reading the Dr. Burns book, contacting a local doctor, and/or taking any other additional steps to try to make your suicidal thoughts go away?
The Dr. Burns book is really good. Various small studies show that, for maybe 70% of people who've finished the book, their depression goes away within a month. The book is also useful for suicidal individuals; see the Amazon reviews.
If you are interested in self help, give Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns a shot.
My wife deals with high anxiety and depression and the tools in this book helps her and helps me understand how she is feeling. Its even allowed me to help identify the thought patterns she falls into, which allows me to help her by pointing them out and suggesting she adjust her thought process. I would suggest your husband read it as well.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Is this the Feeling Good book you’re referring to? I keep seeing it mentioned all over and want to buy it, just want to make sure I’m getting the right one first.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_-J0nDbH5BQWE2
Read this book. Save your own life.
There is a book you might find helpful.
It is called "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns.
It teaches people how to take of emotions with cognitive therapy.
Cognitive therapy is based on the idea that our emotions are caused by what we believe and what we think.
Many emotions that are strongly negative and overly negative for the situation are often based on irrational belief. Cognitive therapy teaches people how to identify these irrational beliefs, how to dispute them, and how to modify them to be more rational and fit with reality more. As those thoughts and beliefs adapt to be more rational the amount of negative emotions reduce.
Cognitive therapy has been proven clinically to be as effective as many medications for depression, anxiety, and other issues.
It isn't likely everything you need, just the way that brushing & flossing isn't everything you need for mental health. You still need a dentist. You should probably still seek out counseling. However, the book can teach how to take care of yourself somewhat and take the edge off of your troubles.
You could try Feeling Good, a self-help classic. First few chapters give you the most important tools you need to change your thoughts and behaviour.
You built your life up once so you can do it again. You may have trouble now, but you get the chance to keep trying until you're dead. While you're waiting around to die, why not give different things a try? If one method hasn't work for you, something else might work out! It really sucks that you have to do it again, but accepting that fact rather than denying it will help you.
You have a clean slate to rebuild your life how you want it. You essentially have nothing to lose, so now's the time to take chances!
If you're not getting therapy or are not in a support group (which are usually free meetings) PLEASE seek help. Look up low fee or free therapy in your area, plus many clinics have sliding pay scales.
You sound like you'd benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy techniques (i've benefited from this book). It sounds like you are tormented by the idea life SHOULD be a certain way and it's not, but nah man that's not how it works. We ultimately have no control over things except our inner life. Carefully examine each belief you have- they may be unreasonable (like "I'll never have a good job again!"), causing you undue distress.
I'm not suggesting what you're going through doesn't suck, but that ruminating on the bad things will only cause you more pain. It's hard to stop, so it's a matter of practice- you'll get better at it with time, and you can start right now.
The past is gone. Don't even worry about the future unless you're doing a specific task related to planning ahead, like looking for jobs. What is going on at this exact moment? What beauty is immediately around you? Focus on every sensation, and let thoughts arise and fade away. Be in reality without judging if things are good or bad. You still have the capacity to sense, and feel, and appreciate reality- that's marvelous and that can never be taken away. We are the only animals that get to do this! (For more info on this)
Remember that you are not your thoughts, the real you isn't your feelings. The real you is the thing seeing those feelings. I like to think about my distressing feelings as occuring "nearby". I tell myself stuff like "wow, I'm experiencing a feeling of fear nearby, goddamn that's really intense!". I let myself feel it, but I don't try to change the feeling, or judge it as bad. That way, once I feel it intensely, it deflates and fades away. But that framing helps me distance myself from being so caught up in my feelings. It helps me not take them so seriously.
You CAN get through this! The biggest obstacle your facing right now is your own overwhelming emotions. Tackle them, find an new way of thinking that makes reality bearable, and nothing can stop you!
I highly recommend the book Feeling Good. It's therapy in book form.
I actually do have a recommendation. The method that worked the best for me in resolving my own anxiety and depression was something called Core Transformation (see the book by Connirae Andreas. (Full disclosure: I work for the author.) I found that practicing this method a few hundred times completely resolved my anxiety, and 90% resolved my depression, which is more than any method I tried previously. It's a very experiential method, not so much cognitive, and aligned with meditation practices. I consider CT to be metta on steroids.
If you prefer a more cognitive method, Feeling Good by David Burns is the classic text. I definitely recommend that one too, as it will give you insight into how you are participating in creating your anxiety and depression by how you think about things. Learned Optimism by Seligman is another good choice for cognitive work.
Regular exercise can also be useful. See Spark for the science of how that works.
Feeling Good, David Burns
It sounds like you have to choose between multiple bad choices and find the one that sucks the least. Pretending to be unhappy < doing something about it. Maybe it would be best to hide it from your family but it sounds like maybe you can't afford it then. You could try this book:
It's based on a type of therapy that some shrinks use. It's really cheap. You could rip off the cover and hide it like porn. :)
I have the exact same problem as you (I'm almost your height and weight too) except instead of being heavy when I was younger, I was a twig. It was a shock to my system to go from being 5'8" and 105lbs in high school to 135lbs in college + after. That might not seem like a lot to some, but on my frame, I can really see a difference. While the logical side of me says: "You look better with some meat on you! You're getting muscle now, that weighs more, too! You work out and eat healthy," the nagging, obsessive side says the same kind of awful shit: "You're not as skinny as you used to be, you need to lose more weight, if you just lost a few more pounds your arms would look better, blah blah blah."
So, what do? I'm participating in the No-Scale-for-a-Month challenge, because I know I get waaaay too obsessed over numbers on a scale. Maybe that's an option for you, too? Also relevant: vanity sizing. You may be an 8 somewhere, but somewhere else you're a 4. It's really hard to get an accurate measurement of your size through clothing because this sort of "fake sizing" runs amok now. I use a tape measurer to gauge my size, but I only use it once a month. I would also suggest counseling. It's helping me a lot. If you can't afford counseling, this book is awesome. Best of luck to you--you can PM me if you want to talk more. :)
You can reformat your hard drive! It sounds like you have some real positive motivators in your life, too.
I think you're looking for some form of re-imprint/cognitive behavioral therapy to help set your mind on the right track, much like the brainwashing the army likely put you through, but to your own advantage. Many recovering alcoholics find this refuge in religion. A church might actually be a good bet for you, but as an avid redditor, you may be more geared towards finding your own solution. Counseling is helpful, but it sounds as if you want to set your own direction.
In the meantime, you want to avoid stress and lower your cortisol levels. A few ways to do this besides prescription drugs would be:
I would add a point to
> Mind - keep learning:
Learn and practice 1) mindfulness meditation and 2) CBT.
Oh, and here is a reference for the cognitive distortions:
The doctor who wrote this is the one who introduced these types of cognitive distortions, I think.
I've only read the first 3 chapters of it, took the small diagnostic quizzes and such, but they've helped a lot, really.
I only had an ebook for it, though, so maybe you can find a copy online.
Feel free to take it slow. My brain fog back then was so bad I couldn't take in more than 2 paragraphs without spacing out. There are also tests to help you remember some of the things talked about (useful, because being able to identify when your thoughts are tinted with cognitive distortions is a good way to combat them and start to improve your thinking patterns.)
I was only doing 2 pages a day when I read it, so really, if you're feeling like shit and can't think, it's okay to take it at an easy pace.
This book was recommended to me by a therapist and helped a lot. It's really good for helping prevent those irrational, dark, spiralling out of control thoughts that can happen. Medication can also help when you feel like you really, rationally shouldn't be depressed at some particular time, but something in your body just seems to be causing it.
It really depends on the psychiatrist. I've been to many and I'd say about 2/3 talk to you for half an hour and then hand out the drugs you need. However I have a separate therapist for hour long appointments. Oh I should also mention, buy "Feeling Good" for more on CBT (addressed to OP here), it seems to help a lot of people. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336
Yeah, I mean, I'd be mortified if my boyfriend ever posted about me on the internet like this, but it shows you care. Is there any way you can get her to consider going to a therapist just for her other issues? More than likely it all has to do with her emotional problems. Maybe even getting her a self help book would be useful if she's totally against therapy. I like this one. Honestly, it sounds like she has a lot of problems that she's not even trying to deal with on her own... that's a lot for someone else to have to take on.
Feeling Good by David Burns is a good book for anxiety and depression, and it's less than $10. He talks about the importance of seeing someone, and how to tell when you need to see someone, and it also has exercises she can do at home in between therapy sessions. If she won't listen to her friends she might listen to expert criteria saying she should see a therapist.
This one helped me out a lot. I was in and out of psych wards for 9 months and reading the first 80 pages of this at the end was what really turned my thinking around. The first little bit is just him trying to sell the therapy, because it was written when CBT was just being used for the first time. I wonder what the rest of the book is like...I never got around to reading it.
First, thoughts of suicide are something that should be addressed with a competent professional. If the free clinic does not open for several days, consider seeking other care. You may be able to find a competent professional who will agree to help you on an interim basis for free. Asking for a weeks worth of pro bono care when your life may be in danger doesn't seem like a request that's easy to deny.
If you are suffering from depression, have hope in the fact that it is a problem that often responds well to treatment. Depression often has a thought distortion component. Although it is not a substitute for professional help, you can work on eliminating thought distortions on your own. Avoid, amplifying the significance of things that don't go well. Eliminate all or nothing thinking. Focus on the positive etc. The book Feeling Good is inexpensive and very helpful. You need to set up a consultation as quickly as possible to get some advice on how to handle what you are experiencing. Consulting the book might help make the time until you have an appointment easier, but if necessary, go to the emergency room.
The book Feeling Good by David Burns is supposed to be really good for depression, I've heard a few recommendations for it.
If you can't get a councillor get a book. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1372273143&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good
It gives a simple strategy for helping pick apart the bullshit lies your brain feeds you. It might help. It might not. It sure beats killing yourself.
I have been depressed/in remission/depressed ect. for most of my life (i was around 12 when it really started to disfunction my life , 25 now).
The most importent thing to realize is that if you don't get help from a profesional you/things are unlikely to get better , it might get better for a little bit or a little while when you decide to excercise/volunteer stuff like that , but apart from almost always being unable to do those things because/if you're depressed , you have to remember that depression doesn't come from poor "lifestyle"choices i.e not working out or not voluntering , so it's kind of silly to see those things as the answer to a problem but better to see them as tools that can help you get better faster.
Mostly i read that you also agree that you need help , you are scared that if you don't you will be(come) suicidal. And you rationalize this fear by looking at your (grand)parent(s) , your bio-dad got help and seems to be doing fine now.
Also , things/life chanches , nothing ever stays the same , but depression lies , and if it gets the chance it wil bring you down and make you suffer no matter how good or bad your life "technically" is , but if you can really commit to investing in yourself and getting the help you need , you will succed in viewing things and your life in a better , healthier and happier perspective.
There are ways , i'm not american so i'm unable to know how difficult/expensive it is to get help , but i've heard very good things about online therapy wich is a. cheap(er) and b. within reach even if you are so depressed your lying in your bed paralized.
Also ik really recommend this book
And this video
I really hope that you'll be able to take some steps to help yourself, or at least to figure out what help you need and how you can get it!
A few thoughts. First off give yourself permission to grieve. You didn't get what you wanted and you're upset. You're going to to continue to be upset until you are ready to move on. There isn't anything anyone else can do to control your feelings. This is all in you.
Second if you really don't want to feel like this you're going to have to make some changes. This is a very painful lesson, but on the positive side you'll be a much happier person once you've made the right adjustments.
Here a book I found that taught me a lot: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
You can also start talking with a therapist.
I guess the main point here is that only you have control over your feelings and only you have the power to stop feeling hurt. Sooner or later that will happen.
These two books helped me tremendously. If you have a half price books store around you check there you might find cheapers.
Techniques wise breathing exercises have helped a lot
something like going into a quiet room and laying flat on my back. breathing in slowly and deeply until count of 4 and then out the mouth
notice what moves when you breath. is it shoulders or stomach? it should be stomach. if you focus on the breathing and counting you tend to stop thinking of the thing making you anxious. at least thats how it works for me. try to do the breathing for like 10 -15 mins a day
let me know if you need anything else at all. you are definitely not alone
I have this book, haven't read all of it but what I have read seems really helpful. It has some of the best reviews of any book on depression that I have seen.
Look into the concepts of cognitive behavioral therapy, it is the perfect tool for changing beliefs like this. Read the book Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy by David Burns. It's a self help book, but it is the bible of modern therapy.
It takes a bit of work, you have to write in a journal for several hours a week, but several weeks of that will change your life. You will be the happiest you've ever been, and will no longer believe these kinds of things about yourself. It forces you to look at things completely objectively.
Seems like a couple of things going on here: one, how you are feeling, and two, how to make real friends. First, if you are willing to try reading a "self-help" book to feel better then I would recommend the book Feeling Good by David Burns. He basically identifies simple ways to get passed typical thoughts we all have that cause us to feel bad so we can start feeling better. It helped me a lot when I needed it and I've never really gone back to feeling bad the way I used to. I used to talk myself into feeling bad but now that I'm aware of how I was doing that, I know how to avoid it. If you are not into self-help books then just forget it.
Second, making "real" friends is more complicated because there is no checklist to know if someone fits in the real friend category. Each friend is unique and you kinda have to take them as they are. Think about this, everyone in the world is just trying to figure things out like everyone else. No one but God (you said you're religious) really knows what life is all about--even your parents. The saddest and loneliest person, and the person who seems to have it all together, each one is just doing their best to make it in this world. We are all the same in that way. Knowing that everyone struggles helps me realize that everyone needs "real" friends just as bad as I do.
That leads me to some actions that I take that help me make friends (some friends are closer than others). I try to treat people kindly knowing that they are struggling in the world too. Even people who are annoying or I don't really like that much. I know they have troubles too so I try to be nice, smile, hold the door for them, pick up something they dropped, whatever. When you're kind to other people that way, it can actually make you feel better about yourself as a human being--especially if you are NOT expecting to get anything in return. It doesn't mean these people are going to be your friend. But you would be surprised about one thing. Other people will notice that you are a kind person and most people want to be friends with kind people. Don't you? Also, when you are happy with yourself for being kind, it can actually make you feel better about yourself. People will notice that too, that you are happy with the kind person your are. After that, friendship depends on how much time you spend with each other talking, eating meals, playing games, whatever. If you don't spend time doing things together, it is not possible to become real friends. The more time you spend together doing things, the better friends you will be.
I'm glad you wrote this. Obviously you are not suffering alone. We are all just trying to make it in this world. It's nice that we can help each other out a little bit.
Don't let depressive symptoms get in the way of your faith. Treat it like it's a virus. You need to solve that problem first and seek professional help on top of all the advice given above. Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Find a good counselor who can introduce you to CBT. All the above advice is good; but try this book too:
As I've said here before, NoFap isn't a cure for depression. Try Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. I started reading it and it has helped me.
For me, things tend to start getting much better around 1 month and on. I say this despite the fact that I've never kissed or had sex with a girl (or guy, for that matter).
Hi. How are you doing?
If you want to vent, let me help you. PM me.
Also if you want to talk about specifics drop by /r/depression.
If you want to try something that might help you, try this book. It has been recommended by some people on that thread. You can usually find a copy online if you look for it.
All the best!
Feeling Good by David Burns is a great book about treating depression and self-esteem with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It might be a little difficult for him to read if he has a lot of shame about his moods though so you might also look for another book about CBT that is less about "treating depression" and more about "improving your life".
The book Feeling Good is actually recommended by a few doctors I know. It is really high-quality self help, and is directed toward people with some form of depression. Unfortunately, I've never read it, but three of the doctors I know who actively see patients say that they've given it to patients, told patients to seek it out, or formally prescribe it to them (I don't know if that's just for the patient or not...I'm not aware of being able to get a prescription filled for a book, haha, but they say it makes the patient feel better about reading it).
>that’s not helping my depression
If you cannot afford therapy, this book is sort of a workbook to self-directed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Treating your depression may help with the stress of owning a home and your relationship in general. Depression is rough, not just for you, but for your partner as well.
This book is supposed to work as well as therapy.
Buy this book
I didn't read your post like you said, so here's some generic advice: trip on psychedelic drugs. Travel; go to another country to teach English. Read one of these books:
why do you think people look at you with disgust? who are these people? They probably think the same thing, that everyone's judging them, but honestly everyone's just judging themselves. We interpret other's actions without knowing what they're thinking while we expect people to understand our actions without knowing what we're thinking. Don't tell yourself you're a waste of time. I told myself that for years and it stopped me from opening up to my friends and family, which I felt like I had none for a long time. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but there's this book I read recently that helped me change what I was thinking. I knew about it for years before I actually looked at it because my mom was pushing me to read it and I thought it was some christian book. It talks about the self-hate all of us go through. Anyways, here's the link to it, you can probably find it in a library or order it online. Combating self hate is a constant battle, one I face every day. Hope this helps at least a little.
Sorry. Here are some resources and stuff I've come across that may or may not be helpful. I'm not a therapist or anything, and I don't know what you are going through, and I know you haven't asked for help, but I have had a little anxiety and depression before and it sucked it so I want to put these out there in case it does.
Someone posted these on reddit and people seemed to like them
I heard this book and this book were insightful
meditation, maybe try an app/website called headspace (there are apps/websites too), ucla website, or youtube
exercise, even if its only a walk outside. on the other hand, throwing some iron around might feel good too. I could offer some advice if you wanted, or try r/fitness or something
sleep schedule, go to bed and wake up at the same time and have a bed time routine
maybe check out jordan peterson, he's popular right now. I have no idea how legit he is, but people seem to find him insightful
anyways, sorry for getting into your business
Every person I have known that suffers from depression is victim to one or more of the cognitive distortions that make up the basis for cognitive behavioral therapy. So I have a tough time buying that it's a true disease.
I myself suffered from these distortions and learned them on my own for self treatment. So it's very easy for me to identify them.
It is the hardest path to take to get over depression & anxiety so it is often looked down upon. Everyone wants a quick fix and it's hard to not give in to the pharma mindset with antidepressants. It's also hard to admit that you are the cause of your issues. And likely, you learned this type of thinking from someone you were exposed to. For me it was my mother.
I am not claiming all depression is distortion based, just everyone I have met. Including one who attempted suicide. That one ended up finding CBT (though not through me) and is now pretty healthy mentally.
If you or someone you know suffers from any level of depression or anxiety, I highly recommend you and/or they invest in this very cheap book:
First of all, don't feel bad about yourself, you are not alone. Lack of motivation and lazyness affect most people to different degrees. This obviously cannot be helped just with a few responses from the community (specially a sarcastic one...), but I'll give you three advices:
It's possible to feel good without bodybuilding.