(Part 3) Top products from r/JUSTNOFAMILY

More curly hair advice! I know there's going to be a lot of conflicting advice, because everyone's hair is different. I have thick, brown. curly hair, and here's what works for me:

!. As someone else said, I don't shampoo every day. I have a sulfate-free, curly hair shampoo I use, and then a stronger one to deep clean once a week or so (it's Aussie brand right now, not anything special there).

2. I only ever comb and style my hair when it's wet. In the shower, the natural curl pattern comes out when the hair is soaked through - but I don't have the patience to only hand-detangle, so I use a wide-tooth comb right out of the shower, or sometimes in the shower if I'm going for ringlets.

3. I use a conditioner in the shower, rinse that out, use a super-absorbent towel to absorb some of the water, then use a leave-in conditioner or some other curly creme or product, comb that through, and scrunch just a little (I have to scrunch because my hair is still so wet here, that's it's heavy). I then blow-dry with a diffuser blow-drier for one minute - hair is still wet, but not dried out.


In general, curly hair holds better when it doesn't get too dry - hence the leave-in conditioner or other product. It's going to be trial and error, to figure out what techniques and products do what to her hair, and what she wants them to do! I can vary my curls a bit - if I comb in the shower, rinse, then don't disturb them, they do ringlets, but mostly I comb after my shower which makes for looser curls. I also recently have been using a fine-tooth comb after the wide one, to smooth out my hair a bit, though this does break up some of the natural pattern.


My main advice on things to try:

1. Find someone who can CUT curly hair. It reacts very differently than straight hair, and a good cut will take out a lot of the work of making it look good. I've been going to my person for years, and her husband has super curly hair.
   
   
2. Diffuser blow drier, OR diffuser attachment! Normal blow-driers will just fluff it up. Air-dry is also a great option. https://www.amazon.com/Conair-DF09NP-Volumizing-Diffuser/dp/B000JQY6DM/ref=sr_1_9_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1523896894&sr=8-9&keywords=diffuser+attachment+for+hair+dryer This is an example of a diffuser attachment, it just slides on the nozzle of a normal hair dryer.
   
   
3. See if you can find curly or "natural" hair products. They're often in their own section. A lot of these are for black women's hair, and use argan or coconut oil - this is probably too heavy for blonde hair, but I've had great luck finding some lighter weight stuff there. This is most important for leave-in products, I often end up using non-curly shampoos anyway, but your mileage may vary.
   
   
   Good luck to her on her curly hair journey! It's a lot to start out, but honestly it's going to be a lot of experimentation.

There’s a wonderful book you could give Lily about this. I HATED my curls as a girl, and untangling them was always a painful nightmare. My mom gave me the Curly Girl Handbook when I was thirteen and it entirely changed my relationship with my hair while also teaching me how to take care of it (and therefore care for myself). I love my hair now, and haven’t straightened it in years! It might be a helpful book for Lily.

I totally get not wanting to have her over if she has lice. If she called you herself, that could be a bit of a "cry for help" but not wanting lice in your house makes complete sense, especially if you have a child, too. Your sister's response to lice as "no big deal" is just face palm Especially if this is chronic. Poor kid. As someone who is also NC from part of my family, I would be trying to resist my ingrained "enabling/rescuing" impulses, unfortunately, because 1) there is helping the niece, and there is also 2) opening the door to the niece is potentially opening a Pandora's box of interactions with people who are super toxic.

The rest of this comment is to point something out to those who are all "not every child gets lice" and "my mom made sure we didn't get lice." Guys, you were lucky. Lice is a possibility for every child unless they are wrapped in saran wrap or never leave the house. Treating lice appropriately? That's where responsible parenting comes in.

And, treating lice, while super gross to think about, is not impossible. Time-consuming and boring, yes, but not impossible. So many of the comments in this thread are bothering me ("burn my house down!"; implications that only dirty/neglected kids get lice). It is completely possible for clean, well-loved children to get lice at least once in their childhoods. Now, not treating for lice? That is a whole different story. But lice is not the Scarlet N of childhood neglect.

Lice are easier for a young child to catch because young children don't think through things. They'll try on each other's hats; try on dress up clothes at a kids museum; try on things in stores, hug each other (putting their heads together); have their heads resting on the back of the seat in buses or other vehicles (instead of above the seat); etc.

Proactively? Keep their hair short or in braids, use tea tree oil shampoo or mist it on their hair, discourage them from trying on the clothes of others, etc.

If your kid gets lice, you are not a bad parent or neglectful. If your kid gets lice and you don't tell the other kids that he/she has come in close contact with or if you don't treat it? Then you are a neglectful parent. So many parents don't tell the school or other parents to check their kids because they are embarrassed, thus keep the lice going. The very worst outbreak of lice I've heard of that would not end (went on for the entire year!) was at a nearby private elementary school (I know some of the parents) full of rather well-off, majority white, professional white collar families. Everyone was pointing fingers and "no, not my kid" etc instead of just buckling down and getting rid of the damn lice.

The good lice combs are easy to get (Amazon!).

https://www.amazon.com/Nit-Free-Terminator-Professional-Stainless/dp/B000HIBPV8/

The treatments can be purchased over the counter. But frankly...no chemical treatment is going to work as well as comb-outs. Using the very cheapest, thickest conditioner you can find. Saturating the child's hair with said conditioner (coating EVERYTHING), getting a bright desk lamp, a roll of paper towels, and a good lice comb. Then, section by section, combing through the child's hair. It takes about 90 minutes with most kids. Each time you comb a section, the conditioner (which has slowed down any active lice) will come out with the combing. Wipe the comb thoroughly on the paper towel, check it for nits and lice, new paper towel, repeat. Until you have combed absolutely every section of hair. Wash the sheets, pillowcases and pillows in hot water and Oxy-clean. Bag up anything that you can't wash in plastic for a couple of weeks. (Stuffed animals etc.) Lice cannot live off of their host over 24-36 hours, but I'd err on the side of caution. Wash any hats or clothing that would have touched the child's hair in the last few weeks as normal, dry in the dryer. If you can't wash something in hot water or put in dryer, bag it up, leave it for a week.

Then, mark it on your calendar because you are going to do the same thing in five days.

Done. 99% of the time, this will get rid of any infestation (unless it is a really bad one that has been going on for a very long time...that may need more repeats and more washing.)

Chemicals alone won't always treat it. DIY remedies that you leave in the hair, same. Comb outs. That is the only way to go. And you don't need to pay for expensive ones. Comb outs are a DIY solution.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to show a mom or dad how to do this for their child, patted their hand, told them that it is not a mark of neglect to get lice. I never did as a child, but I think I got lucky.

Also, lice are nothing compared to scabies. I did get those (twice!) from backpacking overseas and sleeping in hostels...two different areas of the world. Those can be self-treated as well, but damn, they are going to drive you mad in the meantime.

Oh I'm sorry, your story just makes me want to give you a hug.

All of these people sound horribly abusive. Violence or not, they were supposed to be protecting you, caring for your needs and loving you. Whatever their reasons, they did a shit job of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with struggling to deal with that. I'm willing to bet that your sister isn't nearly as functional as she leads everyone to believe.

As good as it felt to try to tell your aunt off, she sounds just as bad and no contact is probably a great idea. Have you considered low contact with your parents?

Try and find a therapist if you can. You need someone impartial to talk to. You've done very well to get through all this crap that your family has put you through and a therapist will say the same.

Try looking into CPTSD. I'm not saying you have it, but I bet you will find the symptoms familiar. Check out this book if you're interested.

Seconding this. I apparently bought it back in 2013, and I still go back and re-read it every once in a while.

I'll probably go back and re-read it once I do my yearly re-read of the Dresden files.

A Kensington lock would probably do you. Almost any laptop made today has a little slot for it.

https://www.amazon.com/Kensington-64068F-MicroSaver-Laptop-Business/dp/B00000K4KH

You all REALLY need this book so you can just STOP making excuses for enabling this woman.

When my niece was born, the first of the grandchildren, I made it a point that once a month I sent my sister and BIL an "inappropriate" kids book. This was on the list, although my favorite is "K is for Knifeball", as even I thought this one went a little too far.

So other suggestions for you:

The Taking Tree https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1442407638/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Children Make Terrible Pets
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316015482/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

All My Friends Are Dead
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0811874559/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Everyone Poops
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/192913214X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/081187723X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Monsters Eat Whiny Children
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1416986898/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I'd Really Like To Eat A Child
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0375837612/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

The Very Hungry Zombie
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1620871823/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Cornelius and the Undigested Kernel of Corn
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1434909808/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Zombie Cat: A Tale of a Decomposing Kitty
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1616088842/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

K is for Knifeball
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1452103313/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Once Upon A Time, The End
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0689866194/_encoding=UTF8?coliid=I1OGBZXPD3BH7B&colid=3D1T0BH91G9JT

Zombies Hate Stuff
https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Hate-Stuff-Greg-Stones/dp/1452107408/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&coliid=ISHSM71HN45MJ&colid=3D1T0BH91G9JT&qid=&sr=

The Night Dad Went To Jail
https://www.amazon.com/Night-Dad-Went-Jail-Challenges/dp/1479521426/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

You Have To Fucking Eat
https://www.amazon.com/You-Have-F-g-Eat/dp/1617753785/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Fuck You Sun
https://www.amazon.com/Fuck-You-Sun-Matt-Cole/dp/0615509142/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1498051281&sr=1-2

Ugh that's rough. But yeah that sounds like my brother to a T. We are/were both fairly bright but also very stubborn.

I'm sorry your family is dealing with this too. I ended up giving my mom this book to read and I think it gave her the courage/confidence to cut him off.

But yeah I am worried about him, I do hope he gets help, but even if he does I don't think I'll trust him for awhile. Both of my parents have cried to me because of it, and this is probably the second time in my life that I've heard my father cry. And it takes a lot.